I have a decent amount of beef this week, even a top 3. Two were not good enough to be anointed beef of the week, but in no particular order:
Personal Beef: Chris Woody. Nobody gives me more criticism and grief about posting the blog. This is a thankless job. And to make matters worse, after beating my ass, it's "over/under blog words: 100". "over/under blog day: Thursday". "What's the beef of the week?" I DON'T KNOW! It's bad enough that you beat my team down, now you beat my blog down. Damnit!
Next Beef: Brandon Meriweather. What a pussy. Guy intentionally tries to injure people with helmet hits repeatedly and gets mad when he's told he can't do that. Now, it's "oh I can't hit high, so I'll need to take out a guy's ACL". How bout you don't try to ruin another human's life with a dirty play. Guy needs to be suspended for good. Disrespectful bitch. "They're targeting me". No shit, asshole.
Beef of the Week: "A Chip on My Shoulder"
Is there any more annoying phrase or commentary in all of sports. Oh, you were a Heisman winner, won a national championship, have an 11 inch penis, but you were drafted 2nd overall... Do you have a chip on your shoulder? "You know what, I do. I wanna make the Jaguars pay for not drafting me". Every fucking player in the NFL has a "chip on their shoulder" for someone that's slighted them. Guess what? Every person in the world has been slighted by someone else. If everyone in the world has a chip on their shoulder, it doesn't mean shit. Stop asking about it, stop talking about it. Nobody cares. If you need to be motivated by what some other asshole thinks of you, you have problems.
"You should call the blog this week 'Not As Bad As The Eagles'" - Chris Fusco.
Actually, I can't. Plenty of teams have a record that is worse than the Eagles, but still nobody has a record worse than the Giants. Congrats on beating a team's 3rd string QB by scoring no offensive TDs against the league's worst defense. In case you're keeping track, and I am, Eli Manning has a QB rating better than only Josh Freeman and Brandon Weeden. Yes, he's even worse than such clowns as Christian Ponder, Chad Henne, Matt Schaub, and Mike Glennon. Bills replacement UDFA Thad Lewis too! But you can't bench golden boy.
Here's how I spent my Monday. This is what happens when your fantasy team sucks balls. Somehow, this worked out.
League 1
Interesting developments across the league. Yashar can't find a win while the bottom of the standings are extremely close. It appears 5 teams will be vying for 1 playoff spot, and they are all within a half game of each other. This one isn't going to be settled for awhile.
We have a little bit of a shakeup in the rankings this week. Don't be alarmed.
1. The King's Crusaders (5-3) - Last week: 4
Once this team gets past the bye weeks, I think the King will emerge as a serious contender. Above the League 1 Mason-Dixon line, so should be in pretty decent shape to make a run. If Kaepernick can figure things out, I like this team's depth. Still has to play Yashar twice, but has league cupcakes Geno 911 and Threeing the Hogs still on the schedule. That's outstanding.
2. Team Toliver (6-2) - Last week: 1
Finally knocked off his perch, Yashar is riding a nice 2 game losing streak. Apparently I jinxed his team by calling out Peyton Manning. I have my own team's woes to figure out. Don't pin this on me. I still can't believe how much the Julio loss hurts, but there are plenty of options on this team. Could certainly use a big waiver pickup to improve things across the board.
3. Stanky Monkeys (3-5) - Last week: 5
I certainly didn't see this coming, but Calvin Johnson is unstoppable. Guy has scored 86 points in the past two weeks and single-handedly turned the Monkeys season around. Of course his entire team goes immediately into a bye, but there's definitely hope here. This is the highest scoring team in the EFFL over the past 4 weeks, so I wouldn't be too enthused to play this squad. I'm glad Lou isn't buried in the basement.
4. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-3) - Last week: 2
Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. Over the past 4 seasons, TITTY has completed just 1 trade. Apparently this team is content with sacrificing games. I think this team is actually respectable, but the owner is just a complete tool. This is probably where you'd peak in the power rankings. Just change your team name to Antonio Johnson and end it. Not worthy of the great TITTY name.
5. Lady Luck (5-3) - Last week: 3
I did say you were the 3rd best team last week, and it's hard to penalize you for having your good players on a bye, but there's a reason depth is important. I know you've never had a player get injured, but it's bound to happen one year. Words can't express how ecstatic I am that you'll have your best 2 guys going on Monday night against me. Still not sure this team is a serious contender, but you're definitely solid. Room for improvement.
6. Dueling Pylons (2-5-1) - Last week: 7
Here's where things really start to drop off. Be certain, the Pylons are really no better than any other team in the league, but somebody must end up in this spot. This team just can't seem to put it all together. Boom or bust teams rarely work out, so this team probably has no legitimate chance of winning anything. But there still is the possibility of avoiding relegation, so perhaps a couple wins will be enough to get this team over the hump.
7. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-5-1) - Last week: 9
Gave it to Mike Y pretty hard. Rolled the dice yet again on McFadden and finally it worked out. Marques Colston, however, has to be one of the most disappointing players in all of fantasy. Right next to CJ Spiller. I always believe it's the middle rounds that win you the championships, and unfortunately for TPG, in the words of Jamie Foxx, "I was unaware how fine you was before my buzz set in". Mike Wallace + Marques Colston = Beer Goggles.
8. RGIII for President (3-5) - Last week: 8
2 weeks in a row Darryl has started an inactive Running Back. Shame on you. I hope you like the Packers, because that's all that's saving you right now. Marshawn Lynch could help, but he's all over the place. That's his 3rd game with 6 points or fewer. I think this team will be in it until the end, but could ultimately fall short. I hope you give it to TITTY this week.
9. Threeing the Hogs (3-5) - Last week: 6
The only top 10 option this team has at QB, RB or WR is #7 QB Philip Rivers. Yikes. It's remarkable how much the Chiefs D has helped this team. I don't think you can rely on a defense forever, especially when weeks 10-13 include a bye, 2 matchups with Peyton Manning, and 1 with the aforementioned Philip Rivers. This team is in trouble, and it would truly be a shock to see them make the playoffs. Not the easiest of schedules either
10. Geno 911 (5-3) - Last week: 10
Here's a fun fact. In Nick's 5 wins, his opponents have scored an average of 108.8 points per game. That's ridiculously lucky. This is by far the worst roster in the league. Look at the Week 9 starters: Romo, Fred Jackson, Alfred Morris, Jarrett Boykin, Brian Hartline, Nate Washington, Scott Chandler. You've gotta be kidding me. The King's entire team is on a bye, and he's still gonna smoke you. Nobody would even consider trading for anyone on your team. It's a disgrace to the league that you're 5-3.
League 2
Ben picked up a huge win in his quest for the final playoff spot against Tatz. Meanwhile, EEB panicked, didn't follow the strategy of his mentor Chris Woody and ended up with the first tie of the League 2 season. Yet again, panic and coaching do not mix.
1. Darkest Norseman (6-2) - Last week: 1
Was able to hold on despite a furious Golden Tate rally. It's the sign of a great team to fight through your best players being on a bye and still emerge victorious. Dosh has the #7 and 8 QB, #2, 7 and 8 RB, #2 and 9 WR, and #2 TE. This team is stacked, and there's a possibility they can clinch a playoff berth in week 9. Well done.
2. Bo$$town Beasts (6-2) - Last week: 2
The battle with Dosh continues, and you'll get to settle your differences in Week 10. After a disappointing showing last week, returned with a vengeance and crushed Young Meech. I still think this team may be the overall favorite. Manning, Welker, Jordy, Antonio Brown, Gates, Graham is ridiculous. If any of your RBs get it together, you have a real shot at taking it all. Would be a shock to me to not see this team promoted to League 1.
3. Jersey Leshoure (3-5) - Last week: 4
It would be wrong to commend Stanky Monkeys on their Tron success and not you. Even with terrible games from Gronk and Julius, still put up 165 points and took care of business. It looks to me like this team is on the rise, and finally broke the streak of single digit losses. Remaining schedule looks rather favorable, but having to play Cutter in week 13 looms large. Don't leave your season up to that game.
4. Team Meat Collage (2-6) - Last week: 6
It shocked me too, but this is actually the only team across both leagues that has dropped 120+ 5 weeks running. This team's record certainly does not justify the performance. Unfortunately this team, like the Cowboys, does not believe in defense. The bad news for Tatz is that he still must face the top 3 teams in the power rankings, so unfortunately there's not much margin for error. Things could turn sour quickly.
5. Game on Dick Bag (4-4) - Last week: 3
Came up just short in a bid to take down Dosh. At full strength, I think this is a contender, but the bye weeks are killing Sam. The good news is that if this team does make the playoffs, I think they can certainly make some noise. Stafford, Forte, and McCoy is a very solid combo it appears, so I'd expect an improvement sooner rather than later. Luckily for you, you have the weakest remaining schedule including 2 matchups against lowly EEB Ventura.
6. EEB Ventura (4-3-1) - Last week: 5
I thought this team was solid, but I was severely mistaken. I keep forgetting that there's a reason that EEB resides in League 2, and that's poor management. The ultimate slap in the face, ended with a tie, but he must feel lucky to even escape with that. You're never going to win anything with a bunch of above average players. Make a move, because you have no chance against the top teams. The good news is, we'll most likely get to face each other in League 2 next year.
7. Super Mario Brothers (4-3-1) - Last week: 7
Are you trying to rival Gambino for worst starting lineup? If you're somehow able to take down Cutty this week, it will probably be the biggest upset in the EFFL this year. Imagine how much worse it could have been had you not made the Julio trade. I'm glad you were able to tie EEB. He was talking all kinds of smack about you at the draft.
8. Street Pigeons (2-6) - Last week: 8
Continues to be at the bottom of the standings, but your brother has a long ways to go to catch you in points for worst in the league. Last week was a rough week with the byes so hopefully things turn around. The schedule is remarkably tough down the stretch, and this week against Ben may be a must win to save your season. Falling behind by 2 games with 4 to play and virtually no tiebreakers is probably too much to overcome.
Good luck to everyone in Week 9. I can't believe we're this far into the season. Perhaps the playoff picture in League 2 will clear up a little bit after this week, but League 1 looks like nothing will be decided until the very end.
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