I'm Not a Star

Somebody lied. Looks like Sunshine has taken some lessons from Uncle Rico, as young Napoleon Foles couldn't miss on Sunday. It was great to see flashes of brilliance. If only the Eagles could keep it together, there's some serious potential. But boy was that fun. You have to believe the NFC is wide open. Seattle can be had, San Fran is going to have to get it done on the road, and that's pretty much it. Green Bay's defense isn't anything special. The one dark horse could be Carolina. Great defense, very solid QB play, and a 4 game winning streak.

On a side note, next week's Monday night game is Dolphins-Bucs. If anyone in either league is starting a player in that game, the league mandates that you must send a hand-written apology letter to your opponent. It just ain't right to make them pay attention to that atrocity.

*** I'm planning on starting a league wide Google Hangout Sunday at 1 PM and hopefully continuing for the rest of the season. It would be great to have live video smack talk with everyone in one location. I'll send a link in email later this week. Hopefully people are interested. If I forget and you do not hear from me, send me a reminder.

Beef of the Week: Local TV coverage

Being in the New York market is the absolute worst. Somebody is always at home, so there's always some gap in coverage due to NFL blackout rules. This makes me so mad. All I want to do is upstage the NFL. "You wanna black me out? Fine, I bet I black out before you do NFL". And I drink myself into Bolivian. If you guys have never seen it before, the website 506sports.com is awesome. Some dude color codes a map so you can see exactly which games are on TV.

As you can see, because the Jets played at home, I had to miss Chiefs-Bills while the rest of the northeast got to enjoy the Western Kentucky Hilltopper lead the Chiefs to a 9-0 record. The only game on was Saints-Jets. I was then treated to Patriots-Steelers, which nobody that's not a Steelers or Patriots fan wants to watch. You may be reading this and laughing at me for not turning on Red Zone. I did. I watched Red Zone, but still. If I want to watch a full game, I get absolute garbage. The whole structure is insane. I truly blame the NFL for the drunk driving epidemic. If MADD wants to truly cut down on drunk driving, they should be going after Goodell. People shouldn't be forced to head to a bar to watch a real football game.


As I indicated last week, the power rankings are no more. It's getting close to playoff time, so we'll need to look at some scenarios.

League 1

8 wins is the magic number to clinch a playoff spot this year. It may end up being 7, and I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

1. Team Toliver (7-2): Got a pretty big win against a hapless TPG. At 7-2, this team is a virtual lock to make the playoffs. The schedule isn't too forgiving, but as stated above, just 1 win officially locks up a playoff spot. Will be interesting to see if this team has what it takes to hold on to one of the byes. One win over The King puts this team in a great spot.

2. The King's Crusaders (6-3): I'm pretty sure Chris closed his eyes and picked up a team off the waiver wire. And nobody was surprised that this tactic completely dismantled Geno 911. I received about 15 texts asking how Nick can look himself in the mirror after losing to this team, but the fact remains, this team was still probably better than what Geno 911 put out there. Some big games coming up against Yashar, as at least one of these two should definitely grab a bye spot.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-3): When Andre Johnson drops 50 points, you're probably going to win. Shockingly, cut Nick Foles just before gametime Sunday. Had he used just used Foles instead of trading for Andy Dalton, would've put up 221 points. Also had Zac Stacy with 35 and Aaron Dobson with 30 on the bench. With the roster Sunday morning and proper coaching, could've maxed out at 263 points. Seriously. This team will be in the playoffs. Pylons are hoping they rest their starters in week 13.

4. Geno 911 (5-4): This is completely shocking and the only way this team would ever rank this high. Got called out on the blog, got disrespected by Chris Woody, and still couldn't even muster anything respectable. "I'm glad you ranked me #10, it inspires my team". No, actually it's justified. Heading into Monday night, the starters and bench combined for 74 points. Going on 5 straight weeks without breaking 120 points. Perhaps instead of a crafty team name, this team should actually consider calling 911?

911: 911 emergency response, what's your issue?
Nick: Hey 911, how are ya? I have the Pylons coming up twice in the next three weeks.
911: Sir, is this an emergency?
Nick: It is, I'm about to lose my playoff spot.
911: I'm not sure what you'd like from us. We deal with real emergencies.
Nick: I need a wide receiver, can I give you Bilal Powell for Calvin Johnson?
911: Goodbye, Sir.

5. Lady Luck (5-4): Got blown to smithereens by the Pylons, but still hold onto the 5th seed. I certainly think this team is better than Geno 911, but facing Fusco and Yashar in the next two weeks is very tough. If they lose both games, a realistic possibility, this team could be playing for their playoff lives against Mike Y and Lou down the stretch. My gut tells me this team ends up on the right side of the playoff line, but I may just be hungry.

6. Threeing the Hogs (4-5): I was certainly rooting against you, and you definitely benefited by Lou's entire team being on a bye. Sadly for you, your most consistent player, Chiefs D, is now pretty much out for the year. But you got the big win you needed. In another huge match against Darryl this week. Finishes up with double dose of Woody, so beware. Take care of business on your end and you'll be in.

7. Dueling Pylons (3-5-1): Still can't get over the two overturned wins from earlier this season. This team would be 5-4 had those not occurred, but still. Put up a career best 193 points, and it feels damn good to unload on Sam. This team needs to show some consistency, but thankfully faces Geno 911, so shouldn't need anywhere near another repeat performance to claim victory. Only a half game out of a playoff spot, and can certainly play their way in. The win in week 9 was a must.

8. Stanky Monkeys (3-6): Tough break after a 3 game winning streak to have all of your players on a bye. The good news is that the final 4 games are all against teams outside of the top 3, so it's certainly no stretch to think that this team could get in. Can pretty much bury TPG in week 10, so the game has a ton of importance for both teams. Surely, some of the teams above you will slip up.

9. RGIII for President (3-6): There's just nothing here to see. Never had any shot against TITTY, but likewise has games against some close competition. I think lack of moves has really hurt this team. Has basically the exact same team that was drafted, with the exception of Leonard Hankerson. Your match against Mike Y is massive, and a loss could seal a spot in the relegation battle.

10. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-6-1): Bad news for TPG and certainly in dire straits. If you can't beat the Stanky Monkeys in Week 10, I fear it will be too much to overcome. Can currently max out at 6-6-1, which could be good enough, but 5-7-1 likely won't be enough. The good news is you do have #1 waiver priority, so you can probably grab someone good to plug into your lineup. (See: top of page).  May I recommend getting on some hard shit and returning to Grotto's.


League 2

* 1. Darkest Norseman (7-2): Dosh has the first seed via tiebreaker. Looking extremely strong for a first round bye, and the winner of the showdown with Cutter is virtually assured of a bye. Already preparing for 2014 in League 1, but take care of business first. Has a playoff spot already locked up, so next goal must be a first round bye. Don't take these final games for granted.

* 2. Bo$$town Beasts (7-2): Pretty much in the same boat as Dosh. So far ahead of the pack right now, it's likely that Cutty will be preparing for a 2014 run at the White House. I told you that you needed to find a Running Back, and Zac Stacy could be the answer. With Manning and Welker through their bye weeks, and virtually the rest of the team, this team will be tough to beat down the stretch. Also has officially clinched a playoff spot.

3. Game On Dick Bag (5-3): Fantastic job taking down EEB in Week 9. Most likely too far behind to grab a bye, and probably far enough ahead that should be in the playoffs. This team is most likely looking at a wild card matchup. But beware, the teams behind you need to win, and they'll be able to take you out themselves. Prepare accordingly.

4. EEB Ventura (4-4-1): For the first time in a long time, no coaching blunders. Unfortunately a strong effort of 144 points just wasn't enough. Despite the record, this team is still barely hanging onto 6th highest scoring team in League 2. I wouldn't be surprised if the Desperate Tatz takes you out. I wouldn't feel safe at this point, and a bye is looking to be out of the question. It's amazing you were allowed to be in League 1 when you can't even hang down below.

5. Super Mario Brothers (4-4-1): Still hanging around the middle of the pack, but after a 4-2 start, Elliott is dropping quickly. Holding a game and a half on 7th place, but Ben surely is looking to right his ship. A loss in Week 10 blows things wide open. You do have a Tatz matchup in order for week 13, but it's possible that just ends up being a League 2 toilet bowl.

6. Street Pigeons (3-6): One win can turn your whole season around. The blog had left you for dead in previous weeks, but apparently you just needed a little Lobitz on your schedule, and it didn't even matter that Rodgers got hurt. I still think this team is a fraud and is far more likely to end up on the outside looking in, but make no mistake that win was huge for both you and Tatz. You could've both been 2 games back with 4 to play. Finishing with Cutter and Dosh sucks big time.

7. Jersey Leshoure (3-6): Remarkable that this team would miss the playoffs if they began today. It's unfortunate that you've lost twice to the Street Pigeons, as apparently you're the only team he can beat. Not even an injury to his QB on the first drive could help. You fully have the ability to play your way into the playoffs, and I expect it to happen. Losing 5 of 6 is a rough stretch for any team to go through.

8. Meat Collage (2-7): I got good news and I got bad news. The bad news is, I'm shuttin the studio down. The good news is, you're only a game out of a playoff spot, despite being 2-7. I'm going to have to strongly consider changing the playoff format if we can't get League 2 up to 10. Sure, you're struggling, but better days lie ahead. Thankfully, you have a matchup with EEB on deck. I think 5 wins might be enough to get the #6 team in.


League 2 already has 2 teams who have clinched a playoff berth. 7 is the magic number there, and surely that will drop as the weeks play out. Some teams are in desperate times, and none moreso than the matchup between TPG and the Stanky Monkeys. Neither team can afford to drop another game, but they must play.

Best of luck to everyone in Week 10.