First of all, let me state my apologies for not having a writeup after week 5. I've received numerous complaints and I assure you this had everything to do with my alcoholism and nothing to do with being a slacker.
I visited the great state of Michigan to see the Wolverines lose to a lowly MAC squad from northwest Ohio. It took much resistance to avoid buying the "Buck the Fuckeyes" shirt, but in the end I decided it would be for the best. This makes 2 straight years I've seen Rich Rodriguez lose to an inferior opponent and I could not be happier. That man is not a good coach. Other than seeing a terrible football game, highlights from the weekend included seeing Lord Stanley's Cup in the flesh. After scouring the Red Wings roster, I believe it was 4th line scrub Jiri Hudler who decided his best wingman would be a large metal object while out at the bars in downtown Birmingham. Pylons co-owner Chris Fusco purchased a fake rubber vagine because his girlfriend was out of town and was unsatisfied with the results. The Party Gnomes and Pylons also got down with a couple strippers. All in all a great weekened but I digress.
The real story between the Pylons and Gnomes was the disaster of a game which culminated with a clear act of selfishness on the part of the despised Norv Turner. I can say with complete certainty that through fantasy I have come to hate this man more than any other coach in professional football. Seemingly a 9 point lead with Nate Kaeding against LT and Chargers defense would be an automatic loss but Nasty Nate kept on fighting. Producing some late field goals the Pylons found themselves with the lead following a meaningless Patriots TD to take points away from the Chargers defense with 5 minutes left. Then Norv struck. Up by 20 points, less than 5 minutes to go with nothning to play for, Norv sends out his starters for some asinine reason which I will never understand. First play is an LT run. Second play is a screen which LT takes 30 fucking yards down the sidelines to give the Gnomes a 1 point victory. I hate the Patriots. I hate Norv. I hate fantasy football.
Not to be outdone, the Stanky Monkeys and Animals with Eyepatches had a battle to the end as using baby Manning over the real Manning almost cost him. Maybe it's the combination of animal team names that made this one so great. Lou could not have been happier with the outcome of the Monday night game. The Giants got smoked but Manning and Burress did enough to get the win. I still don't understand how an Eagles fan can watch a Giants game and root for Eli and Plax. This loss must be demoralizing for Jimish after putting up hish highest total of the year with 135. At least you didn't lose by 100 this year. Likewise, I don't understand how an Eagles fan can watch a Cowboys game and root for TO and MB3. This boggles the mind. With the win Lou has vaulted himself into a tie for 2nd place with the common loon, the King.
In a battle of West Virginia hooligans, Nick edged out Sam with a narrow 9 point victory. Lost in the celebration was pretty boy toy Tony Romo for what seemed to be 4 weeks with a broken pinkie finger. In a show of true sportsmanship, Old Folks Home QB Brett Favre dialed up the Eastern Illinois product and told him to stop being such a pussy and suck it up and go play. Apparently Romo can now magically play. Screw modern medicine, just call Brett Favre. He is the healer of all and has snowball fights with his teammates. Is there a greater man alive? The recent acquisition of Brandon Jacobs could pay dividends in the future, but a 1-5 start for the Old Folks Home is not a great way to start the season. Still only 1 game out of the playoffs all is not yet lost and it could be worse. You could be 1-9.
In one of the most hated, yet unspoken rivalries the King took down the Jackson Five to move to 4-2. Clinton Portis has been dominant and King is riding Southeast Jerome to a strong season. Overrated Marshawn Lynch and Chris' love affair with the Texans may hold this team back when it comes to the playoffs. The Jackson Five drop to 2-4 and must be scratching their head at this point. Randy Moss is like night and day and Santonio Holmes is not getting the job done. This now marks the 3rd time in 6 weeks thus far that the Jackson Five have been the low score of the week. This is a team with enormous potential but has yet to break out.
Week 7 Preview:
Tequila Party Gnomes vs. The Ari Golds
In the middle of the pack this becomes a critical matchup. The Gnomes can take a 2 game lead on the biggest clown team in the league or the Ari Golds can thrust themselves right back into the action with a victory here. These teams do not like each other and a war of words may ensue on the message board if the Golds can ever figure out how to work his keyboard. Steve Smith always frustrates Matt, so I will take the Golds here.
Stanky Monkeys vs. Old Folks Home
Surprisingly these teams have split their 6 lifetime meetings. With the Jets and Giants playing the Raiders and 49ers respectively this could wind up being a high scoring affair. The Eagles bye week must have the Monkeys shook in this matchup. This could be the perfect storm for an upset in this one. Plus I wouldn't mind taking some of the heat off the top seeded Pylons. Give me the senior citizens.
Dueling Pylons vs. The Jackson Five
In the battle of the greatest first name known to man, the Five have actually not beaten the Pylons since week 2 of 2005, losing 6 straight. Over the past 4 meetings the Pylons have averaged 142 points per game indicating that the Pylons squad gets up for games against the Five. The great running mates and presidential ticket of Bush and Peterson surely will have a fire lit under their ass after the debacle against the Gnomes last week. Peterson's 2 fumbles cost the team a victory. The commish's crystal ball sees another Pylons win.
***Game of the Week***
The King's Crusaders vs. Animals With Eyepatches
These teams have previously met only 4 times, splitting the affairs. These teams are very evenly matched this year and each team has numerous favorable matchups. This could be high scoring, low scoring, close, a blowout, I honestly have not a clue in the world. Over the past three weeks, weekly point totals for each team have differed by no more than 4 points. That's why this one is billed as the top game for week 7. I have to assume that Jimish is a little pissed off that he did not get a win last week despite the 2nd highest score. I like the Eyepatches to stay strong and come through with the victory.
I hope that this review was adequate and made up for the absence last week. Hopefully this weekend of debauchery in Newark, Delaware for Homecoming will produce some more material for next week's review. Until then, good luck week 7.
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