Down to the Final Week

This is my favorite time of year. You get to stuff your face with lots of food and alcohol and nobody
cares how much. In addition, I get to point and laugh at teams that miss the playoffs and prepare myself
for yet another failed attempt to even make the championship game. It was another week of truly awful
NFL games. It amazes me every single week how many bad teams there are. Texans-Lions was the only
reasonably entertaining game.  Also, it makes me laugh that Jim Harbaugh finally got his excuse to bench Alex Smith.  They inquired about Peyton Manning.  Smith didn't cry like Cutler and demand out of town.  He just came back with his tail between his legs and got benched for the most jacked QB and the worst nose in the league.  The Niners look tough.

What's also amusing to me is that the two teams in each league that were ridiculed the most at the draft are the two that are in last place.  Turns out people know what they are talking about.  Unfortunately, with only one week left in the EFFL regular season, there is no time left to make up ground.  All you can hope for at this point is that you've either got a shot, or you're not EEB.  I'm still truly stunned at how close everyone is this year.  Usually there's at least one or two teams that are far above the competition, but throughout the entire season, it has remained extremely tight.  The trade deadline went off without any major moves.  Keep in mind again that anybody added from this point forward is not eligible to be kept next year.  See the bottom of the blog for the 2013 keeper rules.  I've tried to come up with a system that helps everybody.

Beef of the Week: I enjoy living in New York.  There are multiple bars with NFL Sunday Ticket on every block.  But one of the things that drove me insane about NY before I moved here are the people.  It starts with a simple "AY!!! LOOKADISGUY!!!"  This week it was some jackass in an early 90s Giants Jesse Armstead jersey screaming at Rams-Cardinals because he has a gambling problem.  Tension reached a head when he danced and shouted at an ancient Steven Jackson "COME ON KID!!!"  This is something Chris Fusco would say in 2001 as a teenager.  No adult male should be using the term "kid" to describe Steven Jackson.  This epitomized the New Yorker that everyone hates.  It really is amazing that just one innocent phrase can be so infuriating, but damn that ranked high on the beef meter.

Now, if you read everything above here, I'm sure you're wondering why you've had to read so long to find out where your team stands.  This is one of my favorite parts of the blog... The scenario generator.  It's like the app where you can click potential winners in the NCAA Tournament and see where your picks would end up if it actually happened.  Let's get into it.

EFFL League 1

* 1. Dueling Pylons (7-5) - How could this be???  The last time the Pylons earned a bye was in 2007.  A win over the King in week 13 would lock up the #1 or #2 seed.  With a loss, this team will almost certainly be playing somebody in the wild card round in week 14.  Regardless, the Pylons have locked up a playoff spot and will remain in League 1 next season.  Remarkably, if the Pylons lose, 8-5 will be the #1 seed and 7-6 will be the #2 seed.

* 2. Eat My Asomugha (7-5) - Everything written about the Pylons pretty much holds true for Nick.  This team has never earned a bye since joining the league, but just needs one win over TPG to do it.  The winner of EMA-TPG is guaranteed a first round bye.  The unfortunate thing for Nick is that with a loss this team cannot get a bye and is guaranteed to have a week 14 matchup.

* 3 Tequila Party Gnomes (7-5) - The Gnomes knocked off a hapless Lady Luck squad to qualify for the 2012 playoffs.  This will be the Gnomes 6th straight playoff appearance which is a very impressive streak.  With a win over Nick, TPG will lock up the #1 seed regardless of any other results.  Likewise a loss will mean that TPG will have to face somebody in week 14.  It's worth noting that Nick and Matt cannot face each other in week 14.

4. Lady Luck (6-6) - By virtue of a win over both Christophers in weeks 1 and 3, Lady Luck currently owns the tiebreaker over both and occupies the fourth spot.  Make no mistake about it though... This team is no certainty to make the playoffs.  Here are a few things we know: 1. A win will clinch a playoff spot. 2. This team cannot get a bye. 3. An EEB loss will clinch a playoff spot.  4. A loss, EEB victory, and King victory will eliminate this team.  5. A loss, EEB victory and King outscoring EEB on the season will eliminate this team.

5. The King's Crusaders (6-6) - Chris is in far better shape than Sam for a playoff spot despite being currently behind.  Did a nice job to pass Fusco in points.  Win and you're in.  You may actually end up being helped out by Fusco's high point total because if you end up in a three way tie with him and EEB, one of you is likely to win the tiebreaker, and then you own head-to-head tiebreaker.  The only way you can be eliminated is if EEB wins and beats you in season points, you lose, and Sam loses.  That would be a dramatic turn of events.  With one week to go, can be out completely or still get a bye.  A dramatic effort from Cam Newton just wasn't enough.

6. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-6) - Despite being below Lady Luck, this team is in far better position to qualify for the playoffs.  Disregarding everything else, as long as EEB doesn't outscore Fusco by 79 points in week 13, Fusco will be in.  This team is actually still in play for a bye if the Pylons lose, but more than likely will be playing somebody in week 14.  A loss, EEB victory, King victory and being outscored by 79 is what it would take to eliminate you.

7. Coach Janky Spanky (5-7) - Hanging by a thread, but you are somehow still in it.  You must win a 3rd straight elimination game to stay alive.  The best case scenario for you is if Chris Woody and Fusco both win.  If both Woodys win, you're out.  You need to either end up in a two way tie with Sam Woody or get a 3 way tie and hope that you can overtake Fusco, Chris Woody, or both in points to stay alive.  This should be interesting.

x 8. Stanky Monkeys (4-8) - The Pylons officially knocked the Stanky Monkeys out of the playoffs and ensured that Lou will be in the relegation battle.  Prepare your team, as a two week playoff against the #7 team will determine who will move to League 2.  Most likely it will be EEB or Sam.  While I do feel bad that you've missed the playoffs for a 2nd straight season, I'm sure you'll be back.  Just know that if you beat EEB's ass this week, it gives you the right to beat his ass two more weeks in a row and send that clown down.

EFFL League 2

* 1. Team Toliver (8-4) - Yashar took advantage of a reeling Tatz squad and now is looking to be in outstanding position for a bye.  Actually, I'm going to call it right now.  I don't see any way that Cutter outscores you by more than 100 points next week, so you sir will officially have a first round bye.  Take some time getting settled in Austin.  Your next important matchup will be in week 15.  You will need to win one of two games to move up to League 1.

* 2. Bo$$town Beasts (7-5) - I have to be honest.  I thought this team was lucky to start 4-1 and was not all that surprised when this team lost 4 straight.  Over the past couple weeks, I'm now starting to believe.  Cutty locked up a playoff spot and is surely in play for a bye.  I hope you hit that bowl after clinching.  I'm sure you did regardless.

* 3. Threeing the Hogs (7-5) - Just didn't have enough steam to get the comeback Monday night.  You'll probably finish in the 2-3 range, but your bye chances took a severe hit with a loss to cellar dweller Dosh.  Benching Julio Jones in favor of Miles Austin did not appear to be a wise decision.  Getting some momentum heading into the playoffs is going to be important.

 4. RGIII for President (6-6) - A tough loss against a desperate team in week 12 was unavoidable.  Despite the loss, it would take something truly remarkable for this team to be knocked out of the playoffs.  You would need to lose, have Meech win, have Ben win, have Tatz win, and have Meech outscore you by over 100 points to not get in.  You have nothing to worry about.  Your point total is going to be more than enough to get you in.

5. Claiborne Supremacy (6-6) - It looked like you had a real shot at the bye for awhile.  Despite falling to 5th, like Darryl you're really in no danger of missing the playoffs.  If Darryl wins, you're in.  If you win, you're in.  If Ben or Meech lose, you're in.  To miss the playoffs, Darryl must lose, you must lose, Ben and Meech must win.  Additionally, Ben and Meech must both outscore Darryl's season point total, which is around a 100 point difference each.  You'll be fine.

6. The Heads of State (5-7) - I can't believe this team is a tiebreaker away from being out.  Basically, if you win or Ben loses, you'll get in.  If you lose and he wins, you're out.  I don't see either of you overtaking Darryl's points lead and Tatz owns the head-to-head tiebreaker over both you and Ben.  Who would've thought that Fitz, Money Mike and Vernon Davis would combine for just 7 points in one of the most critical weeks.  Hey, I guess when your QBs are Ryan Lindley, Charlie Batch, and Colin Kaepernick, anything can happen.

7. Jersey Leshoure (5-7) - Got another must have game in the win column and is still alive.  You have to win and have Big Meech lose to get in.  There's really not much else to say.  If you thought it was funny this week that Dez was streaking down the field and doing unlawful things to the Skins secondary, just imagine what he's gonna do against Nnamdi.  All you can ask for is to have a shot at the end.  I wish you good luck.

x 8. BABY TEES (4-8) - Unfortunately your game against Tatz in week 13 is going to be pretty meaningless.  The good news is that your season is mercifully just about done and remarkably you cracked 100 points in every week but one.  Maybe allowing teams to start 4 tight ends next year would level the playing field for you.

I've also been thinking about what is going to happen with keepers for next year, and I've come up with the following:

1. If you do not change leagues, everyone on your roster who is eligible to be a keeper will remain on your team.

2. For the three teams that move up to League 1, any ineligible keepers (drafted in top 40), as well as any eligible players still on a League 1 roster will be removed from your roster.  The three teams will then have a "mini-draft" to ravage the team that was sent down.

For example, if Yashar moves up, he has Percy Harvin as an eligible keeper.  Since he was drafted in the first 5 rounds by Woody, he would already have been removed from his roster in the offseason.  As a result, Yashar could keep Harvin.  Yashar also has his boy Tony G.  EEB also has Tony G.  Since he is eligible in League 1, if EEB does NOT get sent down (unlikely), Yashar could not keep Gonzalez, as EEB would take priority as a remaining League 1 member.  The mini-draft would take place after this process is completed.

3. For the one team that goes from League 1 to League 2, the same criteria apply.  The new League 2 member can choose ONE additional player not on his roster to add from the three former members after all ineligible players are removed.  This process does not give any severe disadvantage to the remaining teams in League 2.

Despite this being multiple steps, it shouldn't be too difficult to enforce.  We will cross that bridge when we reach it, but I wanted to put something in writing before the end of the season.  I hope this appeases everybody.  Good luck to everyone in the final week of the season.  I'm looking forward to the playoffs.