Pylons Caught With Pants Down

Wow what a week 12!  2 games which directly impacted 7 of the 10 EFFL teams came down to the final seconds of the Monday night game.  While I will get into that later, let’s first get to the good stuff.

Norv of the Week: Norv Turner

It took 12 weeks, but finally Norv has earned his namesake.  And boy did he ever earn it.  I will have to say that this is the Norv of the Year.  Let me paint the scene for you… The Broncos have just tied the game at 13 following another miracle drive by Tebow.  The Chargers have 1:34 left on the clock, and one timeout to try and get down the field to kick the winning field goal.  Pylons kicker Nick Novak has just been caught whizzing in a cup on the sideline and he’s ready to roll.  The Chargers move the ball to their own 40 yard line.  On the next play, still with over a minute left and one timeout, Rivers is sacked.  Then came the Norv.

Norv doesn’t call timeout.  Norv doesn’t try to move the ball.  He throws in the towel and decides he wants to play for overtime.  Almost as idiotic as this “playing not to lose” mentality was his rationale behind this decision.  When pressed on the issue, the response was an absolute classic.  This is a direct quote.  “I don’t think we would have protected and got it off. I don’t know that I wanted Philip to get a hit and have the ball come out or something of that nature.”  I think this may have set a new low in coaching ineptitude.  You don’t try to move the ball because you’re concerned that your QB is going to get hit???  You need to find a new profession man because that’s just pathetic.  Also, way to totally slap your offensive line in the face.

And yes, I saw Jesus in overtime.  I saw him reach down and push Novak’s field goal attempt wide right.  I also saw him grab a Chargers defender and pull him off Willis McGahee’s leg on his 24 yard scamper to set up the winning field goal.  The Broncos have to be the most entertaining team in the league to watch right now.  And when you have Norv v Jesus, I’m betting on JC every time.  Norv and his antics will be gone after the season.

The Playoff Picture

Monday night was absolutely wild.  I promise this will be the most you will ever hear me talking about the Giants.  With so many teams so close together, every single play changed the whole playoff picture.  Going into this game, the only things that had been settled in the league were that TPG was in and FDS and the Eyepatches were out.  As the game went on, a few things became evident:

First, a Drew Brees explosion gave Janky Spanky a much needed win and put CJS in great shape.  TPG had lost which meant that if the Pylons came back to win, their week 13 matchup would have been for a first round bye.  The second half rolled around, and it was pretty obvious that Darren Sproles would not be able to bring the Pylons back.  This secured a first round bye and the #1 seed for TPG.

Following a 2^nd Lance Moore TD, Lady Luck officially had knocked off Gambino and clinched a playoff spot.  If the Stone Masons came back for the victory, the Week 13 matchup between Luck and the Masons would have been for a first round bye as well.  More on that later…

So at this point, we move to the 4^th quarter.  We knew: TPG bye, Luck in, FDS out, Eyepatches out.  Despite being down by 25 points, Coughlin has Eli throwing nonstop.  Fusco is holding a very comfortable 26 point lead on the Stanky Monkeys, and all he needs to win is to not have Victor Cruz outscore Hakeem Nicks by 27 points in the 4^th quarter.  First play of the 4^th quarter… Bomb to Victor Cruz who scampers for a 72 yard TD.  Monkeys are back.  Masons are back.  Fusco is shitting himself.  Even still, the Giants are way behind and have absolutely no chance of winning.  The Saints score again giving the Giants the ball back with 10 minutes to go and down again by 25.

Eli is firing again.  Bang Cruz for 7.  Cruz again for 10.  Later in the drive, Cruz for 7 more.  Hakeem Nicks is nowhere to be found and the Monkeys are suddenly within 6.  At the same time, the Masons have pulled to within 5 of Jimish.  Lou needs a Cruz TD to take the lead.  BG needs 10 yards and a TD to tie Jimish.  Giants have the ball at the Saints 18 and the defense commits a penalty.  Half the distance, and the Giants can only gain 9 yards.  The clock is ticking down inside 6 minutes.  Ware runs for 5 yards down to the Saints 4.  2^nd and goal.  Eli drops back… floats one into the corner of the end zone… and running underneath it for the TD grab is VICTOR CRUZ.  In 10 minutes of game time, Cruz has 5 for 100 and 2 TDs to give the Stanky Monkeys a 1 point lead.  I’ve never in my entire life seen a comeback like this.  The Masons are down by a point and only need 11 passing yards from Eli Manning to tie the game.

Here are the implications at this point.  If the Monkeys win, Janky Spanky, King and the Pylons all clinch spots.  And, if the Masons can just tie the game, he also would lock up a spot.  If TITTY wins, 5 teams will be playing for 4 spots in week 13.  5 minutes left in the game.  The Saints have a chance to run out the clock but get stuffed on 4^th down.  Giants have the ball back AGAIN with 2:40 to play. 

First play is a Manning completion to Ware for 5 yards.  Masons only need 6 more.  2^nd down… Manning fires to Cruz who doesn’t see the ball and snaps Eli’s 21 straight completions, narrowly missing an NFL record.  Eli fires on 3^rd down.  Incomplete.  A last ditch effort on 4^th down falls short and it looks like the game is over.  With a minute left in the game, the Saints are just trying to run out the clock and wouldn’t you know it… Mark Ingram rips off a 35 yard Touchdown run.  Kasay kicks the extra point to put Jimish back up by 2.  The Giants will have one last possession with a minute left. 

They are down 49-24, so naturally instead of just running out the clock, Coughlin has Eli come out throwing.  First play, hits Devin Thomas for 12 yards.  BG back down by 1.  Needs 14 yards to tie it.  Clock ticking down to 30 seconds.  ELI STILL THROWING.  He drops back and who does he remember is on his team? Fusco’s Hakeem Nicks.  While Victor Cruz racked up an improbable 27 points in the 4^th quarter, Nicks did not even receive a look until there were 30 seconds left.  A 3 yard catch by Nicks would have been worth 2 points and given Fusco a 1 point lead and victory.  And after all that has gone on in the 4^th quarter… All the drama in the EFFL on this night… Eli throws the ball at Nicks’ feet.  I can’t imagine what the reaction was in the Fusco household, but I’d be shocked if he can ever root for Eli again.  Stanky, Spanky, King and Pylons all breathe a huge sigh of relief.  At this point, Coughlin realizes the game is probably over, calls a run, and the clock runs out.  BG loss by 1 to Jimish.  Lou 1 point victory over Fusco.  I’ve truly never seen anything like it in over 10 years of fantasy football with 7 separate teams directly impacted by a last second play on a Monday night.  The worst part about the entire thing is that Fusco cut Victor Cruz, allowing Lou to claim him on waivers just a month ago.  Sad.

As far as the 2 $30 prizes… it looks like EEB will be the highest scoring team and the winner of that prize, barring something crazy.  Also, a Gnomes win or tie or a Luck loss or tie will win the Gnomes $30.  If the Gnomes lose and Lady Luck wins, they will split that prize.

So, after all of that, here is what the playoff standings look like.  3 teams are fighting for 1 spot.

* 1. Tequila Party Gnomes (9-3) – Despite snapping a 7 game winning streak, the Pylons loss locked up the #1 seed and first round bye for TPG.  Not having a meaningful game is big for this team especially with Peterson banged up.  Congrats to the Gnomes on their first ever bye.

* 2. Lady Luck (8-4) – The victory over FDS Monday night secured a playoff berth, but it wasn’t until the BG loss became official that this team clinched a bye and the #2 seed.  This could get interesting as Miles Austin and Ahmad Bradshaw could be back before Week 15.  Likewise, congratulations on securing a bye for the second year in a row.  This marks the first year that the Monkeys, Pylons, and King all have not earned a bye, which is remarkable.

* 3. Coach Janky Spanky (7-5) – The Stanky Monkeys win clinched a playoff spot for this team.  Split the season series with both the King and Pylons, so with a win in week 13 over league cupcake Gambino, should have the points tiebreaker over both and give this team the 3 seed. 

* 4. The King’s Crusaders (7-5) – Likewise, split the season series with the Pylons, so owns the tiebreaker due to points scored.  Really doesn’t matter at this point if the King and Pylons end up playing in round 1 which seed is which.  Can move up to 3, but most likely cannot fall to 6.  I’d expect this team to be in the 4-5 game at this point.

* 5. Dueling Pylons (7-5) – After the loss to the King, still locked up a playoff spot as well due to the Monkeys win.  Can move as high as 3, or can fall to 6 if they end up in a 3 way tie with the Masons and King, and the Masons outscore the King this week.  If the King wins, will not be lower than 5.  It’s strongly looking like a King-Pylons round 1 matchup.

I’m grouping the next 3 teams together because it is an interesting scenario right now.  One of these three will claim the last playoff spot and either be the 6 seed in the case of the Monkeys and TITTY, or potentially higher in the Masons.

6. The Stone Masons (6-6)

7. Stanky Monkeys (5-7)

8. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-7)

Despite currently being in 7^th due to tiebreaker over Fusco, Lou is actually in the worst position of all.  BG owns the tiebreaker over Lou, Lou owns the tiebreaker over Fusco, and Fusco owns the tiebreaker over BG.  What this means is that if there is a 2 way tie, the head to head will be sufficient to break that tie.  If there is a 3 way tie, we will go to total points.  As a result, the only way the Monkeys can get in is if there is a 3 way tie and he wins total points.  Today, BG has a 95 point lead on Lou and a 105 point lead on Fusco.

For Monkeys to get in (all must happen)

-         Need to win

-         Need TITTY to win

-         Need Masons to lose

-         Need to outscore Masons by 95 points

-         Need to not be outscored by TITTY by more than 10.

For TITTY to get in (all must happen)

-         Need to win

-         Need Masons to lose

-         Need Monkeys to lose OR need to outscore Masons by 105 AND Monkeys by 10.

For Masons to get in (any scenario will do it)

-         A win or tie

-         A TITTY loss or tie

-         A loss, TITTY win, Monkeys win, and not be outscored by 95 or 105 by Monkeys and TITTY respectively.

For the most part it looks like it will either be the Masons or Tweeting in the Trenches, but anything can happen.  Special thanks to Jimish for making week 13 more interesting as well as avoiding the league cellar.  Nick has officially locked up last place in the EFFL.  Good luck to everyone who is playing for something in Week 13.  I’m looking forward to the playoffs next week.