Tuesday, November 13, 2018

3 Weeks To Go


At this point, you might be asking yourself, "Why am I holding this 30-pound cinder block in my hands?" You might also ask yourself, "Why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it?" And finally, "Why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?"

For real, some questions you may be asking yourself:

1. What in the world is that pitch?!?!
That is where the Rams and Chiefs were supposed to contest one of the best games of the season next Monday night. That will no longer happen, for obvious reasons.

2. When did Cruz Azul start playing in the Azteca?
Actually this year! Their stadium was demolished, so they moved here, to this un-demolished stadium.

3. When will the NFL give up on Mexico?
Not soon enough


Week 10 was a wild one. It started Thursday night, in Atlantic City for the EFFL League meeting. Patron shots were had, grain alcohol was had, BYOB was had, and much money was lit on fire / distributed slowly. I don't remember much of the Steelers/Panthers game, but I do remember yelling in EEB's face following a Juju 75 yard TD bomb.

Here's something for you EEB:




The Bills need a home game for cryin out loud. This happened on the road!!


Something else for EEB that I expect to see at the next draft:


What else happened this weekend?
  • Sean Payton may have committed a felony by smashing a public fire alarm
  • The Browns couldddddd be decent
  • The Raiders have scored 10 points or less in 4 of their last 5 games
Just like the EFFL, the men have started to separate themselves from the boys.

Beef of the Week: The Money Team

Floyd Mayweather Jr. received not one, but 2 TD game balls... first from Tyler Lockett and then from Brandin Cooks. This guy has a gajillion dollars and smacks the crap out of women, but don't let that stop you from giving a ball to him instead of a fan in a wheelchair. 


Look at this crap. The dude is wearing a fucking Gucci wallet and chaps, pulls in two game balls. THIS MAN DOES NOT NEED GAME BALLS! He needs to be prevented from being so close to women and children. I used to love Floyd. I'll probably be back. $400 on McGregor is not happening again.


EFFL Playoffs

Onto the good stuff. With just 3 weeks left, here's all we know: Dosh is in, and Fusco is out. 8 is the magic number at this point. 8 wins will lock you into a playoff spot. 8 losses will knock you out of the playoffs. You must finish at least 6-7 to get in, and that could very well move.

x - 14. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-8) - Had a good week! Just wasn't your year this year. This team has spiraled, getting worse each year since the 3-Peat. 2nd season in a row missing the playoffs. Has become the joke of the league.

13. The Old Ball Sack (3-7) - On the brink of elimination. It'll be an honor to drive the nail into the coffin. It does seem strange to see Mike Y this low, but based on history, alternates playoff years. Next year should be back.

12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7) - Was able to stave off elimination again, taking down BG by 2. TPG now on a W2, and finally the weight off Le'Veon has been lifted. This team is now balling free. Or free balling. Whichever you prefer. Critical matchup with EEB to keep this thing rollin.

11. Team Bartholomew (3-7) - Snakebitten all year. Got pounded by the Stanky Monkeys, and really just can't catch a break this year. BG, Lobitz, and EEB is not the easiest finish. Must win them all.

10. Stanky Monkeys (4-6) - Finally on a nice little run. Gone over 150 in 2 of the past 3 weeks and still in decent shape. Finish with TPG, and he loves playing spoiler. I think your team has a decent shot, but you have a huge game with Gambino next week. The loser of that may be out.

9. Geno 911 (4-6) - Pretty much the same as Lou. In the mix, only a game back. Other than the week your entire team was on a bye, this team has been solid all season. 6th in points and certainly can hang with the big boys. If you win 3, you should get in.

8. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (5-5) - Of course Leonardo was finally back and let me have it. Would miss out if the playoffs started today by virtue of points. But still a matchup with Woody remaining, so you control your own destiny. That's a huge matchup next week. You are 2nd to last in points scored, so your luck has been in.

7. The King's Crusaders (5-5) - I don't know. Can't seem to turn the corner. Having TITTY drop 177 on you can't feel good. The remaining schedule is tough. Dosh, EEB, Pylons. Point total is pretty good, so if you do end up in a 3-way tie, you're likely OK. Work to be done.

6. Team BG (6-4) - Feel like this happens every year. Starts off on fire, and then can't catch a break down the stretch. TPG just edged you. It was exactly like the Big 6. This money yours? Nope. This yours? Nope. Who bet on the $1?!?!? That was Amari Cooper sneaking in to get your money. Surprisingly the only team in the league to make the playoffs each of the last two seasons.

5. Bo$$town Cutter (6-4) - Still doing OK! Knocking off Mike Y is always fun, and one more win may do it. That Austin Hooper / Eric Ebron combo is taking the league by storm. 

4. Surefire Intelligence (7-3) - It is a bit weird to see this team in 4th, but both teams tied with you now own the head-to-head tiebreaker. This team looked invincible at the start of the season, but it's been a full month since this team scored more than 125 points. Fully expected to turn it around, but could be losing ground for the bye.

3. Dueling Pylons (7-3) - Call it 5 straight for the Pylons. Wasn't pretty, but it's awful encouraging to score 118 when the 2 Pats RBs combine for 10 points. Owns tiebreakers over Phil and Dosh, so the bye is not out of reach by any means.

2. Pork Chop Express (7-3) - By owning head-to-head tiebreaker over Phil and myself, wind up in 2nd place. Lost to Dosh, and well behind in points, so it may be a bit tough to get the bye. Still looking good to make the playoffs. Make sure to mind that Full Chubb.

1. Long and Thunderous (8-2) - What is Long and Thunderous? Dare I ask? Does a championship caliber team let their 5 game win streak get snapped by Gambino? I don't think so. Still in the pole position for the bye, but there are a couple teams behind you that could wind up passing you if you slip up again. That $150 high point total is within reach.


I'm anticipating some more movement in Week 11. Teams may be eliminated. Teams may punch their ticket to the EFFL dance. It's going to be intense. Can't wait!
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