Tuesday, October 30, 2018

His Cheek Was on the Pitch!


Ghost Written by: B. Lobitz Jr.

Week 8 is officially in the books and it was a doozy.  The first game of the week led to some graphic content:


Which led me to react like this little girl (to both the ridiculous skill of this catch and the absurd OPI penalty called on @nukdabomb):


“IF” I were going to follow the blog format of our studious commish I would do a “beef of the week” here but I will leave that task for him once he gets back to blogging….  “IF”, I were to do a “mini” BOTW it would have been with the referees, the roughing the passer penalties are out of control, but we all already know this.  Complaining about it even further would just make me feel like a Democrat, I’ll just leave it alone.  Another possible mini BOTW could have been with the city of LA…How can your team be a remarkable 7-0 and have a home game where the visiting team's fans fill the rafters?!?! I was actually astonished when I heard that crowd.  Haha.  What a JOKE!!! This is how they tried to cover up the USC logo from a game in the coliseum the night before???





Great Googly Moogly.  The city is a complete joke, and anyone that lives there should be ashamed of themselves.  They don’t deserve Gurley.  Speaking of the USC game, this guy is the odds on favorite to be the “first person drafted by Lobitz post-blackout next year”:


*****Monday Update*****

One more “mini” BOTW that I am certainly NOT going to address is Hue Jackson.  On Monday morning the Browns woke up (literally and physically) and finally said:


To call this massive loser a dumpster fire would be a severe understatement. He had multiple players comparing him to Michael Scott with reporters (except he wasn’t beloved like Michael).  I know we have all heard them before, but let the numbers 1-31 set in for a minute… 1-31!!!!! Uno and treinta y uno!!!! I – XXXI!!!!  ONE AND THIRTY-ONE!!!  I just cant, so I wont.  We thank Hue for all his contributions to the company and wish him the best in all his future endeavors.


Now on to some non-football fun…. Much to the surprise of nobody reading this I am going to talk a little bit about gambling.  What an incredible world we live in, it really is remarkable.  The Titanic 2 is set for its maiden voyage in 2022 and you can actually bet on if it will sink or not (Yes +2000 No -5000).  Sharp money is on “No” but heavy early degenerate “Yes” money is steaming the line down.  Creed 2 is coming out on Thanksgiving and in a much anticipated bout, the son of Apollo Creed will be fighting the son of Ivan Drago (for those of you living on the moon, Ivan killed Apollo in Rocky 4), and you CAN BET ON IT (Creed -1000 Drago +600).  I can see myself on opening day, stuffed with turkey and IPAs, at the local AMC 8, rooting the Russian on to cash my $20 Drago ticket.  “THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!!”

THEN, the next day, on Black Friday @ 3P.M. EST via a “well worth the price” PPV we get to experience the sheer joy on the face of Phil Mickelson doing things like this:



FIFTY GRAND???  I am not sure if anyone else in EFFL is an avid golf fan like me, but I am going to seriously enjoy watching this.  And you best believe I will be betting on it.  I may even open up this prop bet for EFFL members to bet on.

Which total will be higher??

$$$ lost by me on Thanksgiving Football Bets + $$$ lost by me on the Tiger V. Phil

Or

$$$ spent by his wife shopping on Black Friday

It’s going to be an expensive 4 day span, and I cannot wait for it.


Power Rankings
(I am also going to assign a Most Liked Player (MLP), and Least Liked Player (LLP) on each squad, call it a quasi mid-season award ceremony of sorts if you want.  This will be based partially on merit and mostly so I can love on my favorite players and talk shit on players I don’t like).

14.) Tequila Party Gnomes (1-7): The Championship hangover is REAL….and its SPECTACULAR!  This week I offered you DJ Moore for Jameis Winston (who btw is your backup to a QB that has already had his bye, is a future first ballot Hall of Famer, AND only missed 3 games in the last 14 YEARS) and got laughed at.  Then I watched you start Keelan Cole, Corey Clement, and Nhymen Hines who combined for 11 points.  Winston throws 4 picks and gets benched for Fitzmagic…. Now I’m laughing. (P.S. – Keep the Leonardo Fournetti voice notes coming!!)

MLP: Alvin Kamara: As Napoleon Dynamite would say, “it's pretty much my favorite animal.”  I love everything about this guy.  Its a shame he’s being wasted on the Gnomes.

LLP: Amari Cooper:  Guy has done nothing (currently WR59) and Dallas trades a 1st round pick for him?? I hope it’s a top 10 selection.


13.) Tweeting in the Trenches (1-7): Another week, another loss.  Brutal season, and at this point, if I were you, I would just focus on the GMen (which should be easy since you have the same record as them).

MLP: Aaron Jones: The only thing holding this guy back is terrible coaching by McCarthy.  He's a beast, should be a bell cow but they, for some inexplicable reason, keep using Williams and Ty Montgomery.  Makes no sense

LLP: Dalvin Cook: Can’t fault the guy for getting injured but not being able to bounce back at this point seems like a case of vaginitis.


12.) Ouch! My Hamstringy! (4-4): Snuck it past a bad TITTY squad this week.  I just don’t see much going for you.  You got Brady, but Fournette may never play and only one other player excites me.

MLP: Phillip Lindsay: As reference above, this guy gets me amped up!! Looks like a rising star and should only see more playing time going forward.  Benny likey.

LLP: Tom Brady:  Doesn’t everybody dislike Brady at this point?


11.) The Monkeys (3-5):  Nice showing this week.  Wentz looks like he could be rounding into the form he was in last year prior to the injury (hopefully).  Gotta be disappointed in the output from DJ and OBJ so far.  If they turn it up those 3 guys could carry you.

MLP: Carson Wentz: Doesn’t everybody like Wentz at this point?

LLP: OBJ:  Why cant this guy just act like a normal person for a change.  Call Bobby Boucher and enjoy some high quality H2O.


10.) The Old Ball Sack (3-5): Yet another nice game out of Luck and AB showed up in a big way.  Anemic otherwise.  Nothing here makes me think you will surge going forward.

MLP: Andrew Luck:  I am extremely impressed in how he has come back as I thought there was a chance he had “dead arm” and was totally cooked.  Comeback POY candidate.  Tough guy.  Role Model.

LLP: Cooper Kupp:  Nothing negative to say….I just hate em, cuz I ain't em.


9.) Bo$$town Cutter (4-4): A win against TPG doesn’t get the attention of anyone in this league.  Not really scared of the firepower, or lack thereof coming from this team. . . I think I might have read somewhere that the Red Sox won the World Series, so congrats on that….I guess.

MLP: Jared Goff:  Living up to being the #1 overall pick in a big way.  Working well with McVay and the offense just seems unstoppable.  And gotta love his city!!

LLP: Jordan Howard:  Brutally bad plodder that takes opportunities away from the human joystick.  Yuck.


8.) Geno 911 (3-5): Cousins, Saquon, DJax, Jeffery, Ertz, Hilton.  I fear them all (especially if Hilton can ever get to 100%). Fortunately for me I play you next week when 4 of them are on bye.  I could see a late season surge from you.

MLP: Saquon Barkley:  I hate to say it since he is a GMan but the dude is just an absolute stud.  Assuming they get Herbert #1 overall next year and a new HC he will be deadly.

LLP: Marshawn Lynch:  While I know he will probably be dropped soon since he is on IR, this gives me one last opportunity to say, his antics just never did it for me.  Immense skill, but just couldn’t do an interview when he was supposed to.  Doesn’t seem like a difficult task.  Good riddance.


7.) Team Bartholomew (3-5): Not much analysis here, solid squad, right in the hunt.  Gotta see how the cookie crumbles.

MLP: Tarik Cohen:  So small in stature, so big in STATSture.  Absolutely love every time he gets the rock in his hands.

LLP: Demaryius Thomas:  Big, slow, bad hands, low on target share, bad QB, need I say more.


6.) Pork Chop Express (5-3): The commish said it well on last weeks blog…”Fading”  “on the surface should be good, but overall underperformance”. I agree.  Was hoping Chubb getting bell cow duties would be a serious boost but it's just not happening.  Thanks Cleveland!!

MLP: Deandre Hopkins:  Nuk is the man, and he knows it

LLP: Corey Davis:  Why cant this guy live up to the expectations.  I know his offense is lethargic but he should man up and be better than WR47.


5.) Dueling Pylons (5-3): Seem to be on a nice little run after some tough matchups.  Rodgers + Gurley has opponents always staring down the barrel of a shotgun, but I don’t know that you can ride James White the rest of the way home.

MLP: Todd Gurley: MVP…. Was really hoping the play where he went down at the 1 was going to cost you this week's game but even though Todd likes the Rams more than the Pylons you still finally caught an opponent (THBT) on a down week so it didn’t matter.  Would have made for great blog material, but oh well.

LLP: James White: The fact that this guy is a thing makes me so annoyed.  RB5 on the season.  Why do teams REFUSE to cover him out of the backfield?  Makes no sense.


4.) The Kings Crusaders (4-4): I like the outlook for this squad as they seem very solid all around.  If Mitch keeps it up, this team could be a scary playoff opponent any given week.

MLP: Kareem Hunt: Whats not to like here?  Andy Reid thinks he is “elite” and although it's rare that this happens, I agree with Big Red.

LLP:  Josh Gordon: How does this guy keep getting opportunities? He clearly can't and won't get his act together.  Now not being able to show up on time in New England.  Wont be surprised if BB cuts his ass.


3.) Team BG (6-2): I love your creativity with the team name.  Maybe next season you could get crazy and go with “Team Brandon” or “Team 10”.  Another solid all around team.  Great WR talent/depth.  Been hearing fantasy pundits saying Mayfield could have the most favorable matchups for fantasy purposes the rest of the way…But Cleveland.

MLP: Michael Thomas: Twitter handle of “cantguardmike”…..and it hits the nail right on the head.

LLP: Baker Mayfield:  No other reason than he is a “hate the face” guy to me.  I wanna punch it.


2.) Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (6-2): Shit the bed this week, but cant ignore the record and point total.  Mahomes to Hill can win any game at any time…Zeke….Adams.  Uh-Oh.

MLP: Patrick Mahomes: Hit the ground running and has made the league a lot more fun.  Love watching him play.  Glad he is in the AFC.

LLP: Ezekiel Elliott: Major bias here as I dislike ALL Cowboys.  Especially the talented ones.  Luckily they don’t have many.


1.) Cash me Out Wide (7-1):  I personally got the pleasure of being on the wrong end of this squad this week.  At the end of the day when I saw the list of leading rushers and the top 3 were Conner, AP, and Mixon all I could do was laugh.  Dropped 152 and for some absurd reason started Kelvin Benjamin (6) and Funchess (5) over Tyler Boyd (28).  Didn’t matter.  This team is good.  Can't say much more.  Other than I guess I need to change my draft strategy next year…. The formula is as follows----- Become unreachable early afternoon + show up an hour late to the draft + complain for an additional 1.5 hours about all the amazing players I got = Have best team in the league…Got it.


I will leave you all by paying homage to our absentee blogger and exalted commish with some #billsmafia material and wish him GOOD LUCK on his actuary exam this week (which is the reason you were all stuck reading my rubbish, instead of  his.):


And this hero, who looks like he got a bukkake from Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut:




I hope you all enjoyed this week's blog. I enjoyed writing it. Good luck in Week 9!

Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)