Week 8 was awful. It was arguably the worst to date. Here’s how things worked out for everyone this weekend.
Myself: Eagles on bye, entire fantasy team on bye, Reg blew out knee on his first touch, lost parlay.
Matt: Eagles on bye, lost parlay.
Ben: Eagles on bye, Keenan Allen down, probably lost whatever he bet on.
BG: Eagles on bye, JT Barrett busted for DUI.
Lou: Eagles on bye, Steve Smith torn Achilles, Matt Forte knee injury.
Cutter: Lost to TPG. Alone in last place.
Nick: Had no regulars on bye and still barely broke 70 points. Cowboys an embarrassment.
Tatz: Had no regulars on bye and still barely broke 90 points. Cowboys an embarrassment.
Mike Y: Redskins on bye. Fantasy team did respectable.
EEB: Redskins on bye. Opponent’s QB dropped 50 on him.
Phil: Browns an embarrassment. Couldn’t even root against Eagles.
Dosh: Started Brian Hoyer who actually did reasonably well. Still got blown out.
Fusco: Giants scored 49 and lost. Lost Le’Veon Bell for the season.
Woody: Giants scored 49 and lost. Fantasy team looked terrible despite the win.
I guess Mike Y made out the best since his team looked good and his real squad didn’t lose, but half the league had their favorite team on bye. 5 more league members had their favorite team get beat in games they easily could have won. Dosh has no team, but his fantasy team is terrible. Cutter is the only one in the league whose team is actually good, but he’s in dead last in fantasy. Something’s gotta give here.
I haven’t even stumbled across any funny pictures this week. It’s like everyone just determined Week 8 was a lost cause and they weren’t going to even bother.
I’m really upset by this latest wave of injuries. It’s absolutely crippling. Le’Veon, Khiry Robinson, Ricardo Lockette, Reg, and Steve Smith are out for the season. 2 historically favorable players of mine and arguably the #1 overall player. Also down with possible multi-week injuries are Carlos Hyde, Matt Forte, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Keenan Allen, and Kendall Wright. It’s going to be an interesting week on the waiver wire with a lot of players potentially being late season studs.
And you just KNOW Gurley is going to blow out his knee again. It’s just bound to happen. When was the last time the masses as a whole were this excited about a rookie RB? Gotta be Peterson, right? Including his 6 carry effort in his first game back, he’s averaging 115 yards per game. That would be an NFL rookie record. Only Clinton Portis, Barry Sanders, and Adrian Peterson have averaged 80 yards per game and 5.2 yards per carry as a rookie. Please injury gods! Just let us have this!
And I’ve just got to point out this stat. Drew Brees threw 7 TD passes yesterday. Colin Kaepernick has thrown 6 TD passes in 8 games.
Beef of the Week: Justin Tucker
Gotta be kidding me man. You beat the 2-5 Chargers to improve your 1-6 team to 2-6 and you’re out there doing Drake’s “Hotline Bling” dance. No way. Kickers should not be dancing. They should not be tackling. They shouldn’t be doing a lot of things. And your team is 2-6!!!
Pour one out for the homie Steve Smith and represent using one of his classic dances if you’re going to go this route. You’ve got rowing in the canoe, the joust, wiping the baby’s bottom, and many more. Everyone would have loved it if he did the canoe. Would’ve been an absolute legend. Instead, mockery. Did a dance that’s been laughed at and memed to death. Where’s Antonio Brown when you need him?
Things are getting awful tight in the EFFL. There were a number of matchups this week with Top 5 teams playing other, inferior teams. The big boys won every single one of the matchups. Here’s how things look as of today.
Playoffs
1. Cecil Had It Coming (7-1)
2. The Old Ball Sack (6-2)
3. Stanky Monkeys (6-2)
4. Team BG (5-3)
5. Pork Chop Express (5-3)
6. The King’s Crusaders (4-4)
7. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4-1)
Outside Looking In
8. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-5, 871 points)
9. Team Bartholomew (3-5, 863 points)
10. Geno 911 (3-5, 857 points)
11. Dueling Pylons (3-5, 847 points)
12. ROLL THE DICE (3-5, 752 points)
13. A Lot O’Tatz (2-5-1)
14. Bo$$town Cutter (2-6)
Wonder if Cutter did a dance after moving to 2-6. This has gotten very, very interesting. The top 5 are all 2 games ahead of the outsiders with just 5 to play. King got a huge win over the Pylons, and TITTY found good fortune despite losing his best player. There’s a real chance that the teams in and out of the playoffs are changing on a weekly basis.
Commish picks went 5-2 last week, so I’ll try to keep that gravy train rolling.
#1 Cecil Had It Coming (7-1) v. #6 The King’s Crusaders (4-4)
You see what happens, Larry? You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass! King jumped ahead of the pack in Week 8 and how is he rewarded? How about a key matchup against the league’s #1 team? Add to that the Chiefs, Seahawks, and Cardinals are on a bye, and King is going to be picking for scraps against a full strength Cecil. I would be absolutely shocked if the King was able to pull this one out. Based on recent child birth, there’s little evidence to support he’s any good at that.
Commish’s Pick: Cecil Had It Coming
#2 The Old Ball Sack (6-2) v. #7 Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4-1)
This is a big one for Fusco. The three-time defending champ has to take on a team that’s arguably hotter than Phil. TITTY also has Russell Wilson on a bye and just lost Le’Veon for the season. But luckily, Chris has DeAngelo sitting on his bench, and can plug him right in. That’s the only consolation. Mike Y is rolling right now, and every Odell point is going to come from Eli. It just looks to me like this is not going to be TITTY’s week. I think Mike Y continues the hot stretch and inches closer to punching a playoff ticket.
Commish’s Pick: The Old Ball Sack
#3 Stanky Monkeys (6-2) v. #4 Team BG (5-3)
Another high profile matchup, but both teams are going to be missing players. Randall Cobb has been really struggling for the Stanky Monkeys, and this team has lost a lot of depth. On the other side, DeAndre Hopkins hits the bye, but I don’t think there’s much cause for concern. Colston and Malcom Floyd had huge weeks, and they can confidently be plugged in. I don’t think things align for the Stanky Monkeys this week.
Commish’s Pick: Team BG
#5 Pork Chop Express (5-3) v. #10 Geno 911 (3-5)
Geno is reeling right now. After starting 3-2, they’ve fallen to 3-5, and each week has bene worse than the last. Now half the team is on a bye in Week 9, and the opponent is one of the league’s top scorers. This is a recipe for disaster. While things aren’t looking up this week, Geno will have an opportunity to put some space between his team and the other competitors. Final 4 are against Cutter, Tatz, TPG, and the Pylons. Just don’t expect anything in Week 9.
Commish’s Pick: Pork Chop Express
#8 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-5) v. #9 Team Bartholomew (3-5)
TPG just got a season saving win v Cutter, and it doesn’t get any easier from here. A showdown with Tatz, followed by EEB, TITTY and Gambino provides an opportunity to crawl back into the playoffs. It’s amazing how TPG went from the bottom all the way to borderline playoffs with just one win. Team Bartholomew is ice cold. Since starting 2-0, the team is just 1-5, with a lone win against Dosh. But you’re catching TPG on a good week. Beast Mode and Larry Fitz are out, which means TPG is going to have to turn to some reserves. This is definitely one of the better matchups in week 9. In a different week, perhaps the pick would be different.
Commish’s Pick: Team Bartholomew
#11 Dueling Pylons (3-5) v. #14 Bo$$town Cutter (2-6)
I think both teams realize how big this game is. Falling to 2-7 at this point basically knocks Cutter out. Conversely, if the Pylons can’t beat the last place team, playoff odds plummet. Cutty looked much better in defeat this week. Even with Gio, Dez, and Martavis combining for just 16 points, he still cracked the 110 point barrier. That’s bad news for me. The Pylons knew Week 8 was a throwaway, but the roster is going to look much stronger coming out of the bye. I actually think this is going to be one of the higher scoring affairs in Week 9 despite the standing of the teams. This is a HUGE game.
Commish’s Pick: Dueling Pylons
#12 ROLL THE DICE (3-5) v. #13 A Lot O’Tatz (2-5-1)
EEB must be scratching his head, wondering how his season has ended up like this. But STILL, his team looks good on paper, and he’s just 1 game out of a playoff spot. He’s scored many more points than Dosh, so that’s something. Dosh’s lethal duo of Hoyer and Charcandrick West is on a bye, but he’s got some decent bench spots. I think this is a very interesting tilt. Again, both teams need a win here to keep pace with the rest of the pack. I’m going to go with a slight upset here.
Commish’s Pick: ROLL THE DICE
The EFFL will be watching football this Sunday at a bar TBD. It should be pretty rowdy.
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