Let me just start off by saying the following… Since the league has moved to 10 teams, most likely teams will be officially eliminated from the playoffs earlier than in the past. Please continue to not only set your lineup but be active on the waiver wire. There could definitely be some players that break out that could help your team as a keeper next year.
Monday night was pretty wild. At one point I checked the scores and there were 3 games where the teams were within 3 points of each other, all with players still going. In the end, not one game ended up being within 10 points and there was not much suspense. Pretty much everyone stayed around the same area in the standings, but we now have only 5 weeks to play. Week 9 will really give teams the opportunity to assert themselves as contenders or pretenders. A rundown from the week 8 action:
The King’s Crusaders 152 – Dueling Pylons 135:
Might as well get this shit out of the way. This was the Pylons highest scoring week of the season and they still could not come up with a victory. This marks 4 straight defeats for the Pylons which marks a franchise worst. This game was really decided by the Bears-Browns game. Begin Rant…
For some unknown reason, Eric Mangini is an NFL head coach. The man is a fucking moron. He has a son named after Bill Belichick! He promised Brett Favre he would name his newborn son after him if he signed with the Jets! WHAT?!?!?!? I was recently told by a Jets fan that he was voted as the worst coach in the NFL last year. Rod Marinelli won 0 games last year, and somehow Mangini was worse. I didn’t think it was possible but Norv Turner has been unseated as the #1 most hated NFL coach. How do you take over a miserable team and immediately start trading down in the draft and settle in at #21 and take a center???? Oh and trading away Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow is a genius move as well. In 4 out of 8 games a Browns QB has failed to throw for 100 yards. What a sad sad franchise. End rant….
I was also notified that Chris attempted to remove Greggy Jennings from his lineup in favor of Anquan Boldin right at the 4:15 mark but it was too late. This move would have cost King the victory. Everything that could have gone right for the King did, as it usually does. If I have to hear one more time “I should be 8-0”, I may spaz. I should’ve picked up the Bears D this week. Nobody else has had the luxury of playing a team scoring 67 points. I’ve never heard so many complaints from the league’s leading scorer.
Tweeting In The Trenches 111 – Kiss Da Baby 96:
Well, what else is there to say about TITTY. They have earned the moniker of luckiest team in the EFFL. Opponents’ ranks the last 6 weeks in weekly points scored: 8th, 10th, 2nd, 9th, 8th, 10th. That’s the sole reason this team is 5-3. It’s not about your team, it’s about the opponents. Assuring me that you have the team to make a title run is laughable. If you face TPG or King in the playoffs you’re bound to get smoked. And having the audacity to parade around as fruit of the loom grapes for Halloween is ridiculous. Hakeem Nicks is not good. I hear this every single year about a Giants receiver. Oh yea, Tim Carter just got cut by the Rams… As far as Kiss Da Baby goes, this is no more than a standard Sam Woody team. Be the EFFL’s lowest scoring team over the past 5 weeks and make a trade with your brother. No need for fear from the league here. Such a day and night team, let’s see how the strategy of relying on Bengals and Jaguars and scrubs pays off.
Johnson’s Farm 109 – Animals With Eyepatches 74:
This was the matchup between the 2 teams not at the draft, and predictably nobody really cared that much. This is now 6 straight weeks for the Farm scoring between 106 and 116 points. I’m still not impressed and frankly nobody else is either. You’re 2 last second wins away from being 3-5. Sam scored 90 points against you and you lost. EEB scored 85 against you and now the Eyepatches score 74. The entire league agreed, after Andre and Chris Johnson, your team could be filled with random criminals from the Alcatraz Penitentiary League (APL…you know what I’m talking about UJ) and still produce the same. This is a one and done team at best if they even make the playoffs. The schedule the rest of the way is intense. I thought there couldn’t be anything worse than starting 2 Lions but I was wrong. Starting 2 injured Lions is worse. I know Jimbo that both you and I want to relive the glory days of Kitna to Roy Williams, but those days have passed. And each week it’s looking more and more like this season may have passed you by as well. Since week 5, this team has totally fallen off a cliff. And while it’s not too soon to call this season a loss, a final 3 of Stanky, King, TPG doesn’t bode well.
Tequila Party Gnomes 127 – Coach Janky Spanky 106:
The model of consistency in the EFFL has pulled out another Monday night victory. TPG continues to roll with his power formation and is looking very strong at 6-2. I personally think this game was not won on the football field, but won with an impressive string of performances dressed as Count Chocula over the weekend. Word is he was out on the town spreading lies that Captain Crunch cuts the roof of your mouth! For some unknown reason, Yankme Spankme continues to employ the start Pylons castoffs strategy with unfavorable results. Although this was a semi-victorious week for EEB as the Redskins did not lose. We’ll see how this team responds after the Patriots were on a bye week. I can already envision EEB in the EFFL 20 years down the road… He will draft players past their prime who he refuses to believe are washed up and he will squeak out wins based on rookie success and white people.
I would also like to address the EEB trade policy. In the middle of trade talks I was told “I’m not making a trade unless I’m 100% sure I’m getting the better end of the deal.” This may be #1 among dumbest EFFL quotes in history. A little lesson in trading (not swindling yet that’s TRAD 201 in Smith 100, baby steps EEB). When teams of any level or profession reach a trading agreement, it’s usually because each team feels the return they are getting will better suit their franchise. People value players differently. There is no way you can possibly know 100% that you are getting the better end unless the other owner also knows 100%, in which case they wouldn’t even be making the deal. This league is far too proactive to sit back and try and avoid a risky move. Enjoy your first round exit if you make the playoffs. Also, saying a running back is not good because he’s only running through holes his offensive line creates makes no sense. I guess the good running backs are the ones who run through players to get yardage.
Stanky Monkeys 106 – The Jackson Five 93:
I’m just gonna come right out and say it. If you don’t make that trade with Chris you win this game. Holding Owen Daniels and trading Shockey proved to be an immediate disaster, but no need to panic with the Eyepatches on the horizon. Stanky Monkeys meanwhile again put up another mediocre week, and this time didn’t have any bye weeks to blame it on. Pretty sure this team is the opposite of nasty, whatever that word is. This proved to be an important win for Stanky as they move to within 1 game of a playoff spot. These two teams meet again Week 13, and it very well could be a do or die for at least one of these two. Not much to see in the Week 8 game of the week.
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Here’s what we’re looking at for Week 9. Personally I think this is the most exciting week thus far as there are some great rivalries and hugely significant games.
The King’s Crusaders (6-2) vs. Kiss Da Baby (5-3):
Word on the street is that there is gonna be some battle over the remote this week. While Sam will be whining for Jaguars-Chiefs, Chris will attempt to put his foot down to get Texans-Colts. In these teams last meeting, Chris unleashed 162 points of fury on Sam. Unnecessary considering her team was awful, but I don’t think anyone in the league didn’t enjoy that. In 6 games between these teams played before week 12, Sam is 0-6 and has only put up over 100 points one time. For the good of the league I will put my hatred of the King temporarily aside and pull for a victory here. The baby must be silenced.
Animals With Eyepatches (2-6) vs. The Jackson Five (2-6):
For the most part this is an elimination matchup. The loser of this game will probably have too much to overcome to make the playoffs. These teams have met 11 times and only twice have the Eyepatches broke 120 points. The Five have never done it. It’ll be interesting to see how the Five respond to another tough defeat, but I think this team has enough heart to overcome past losses. The Eyepatches are headed in the complete wrong direction as injuries and bye weeks have begun to take their toll. I think the Five take this one and get on track to make their playoff push.
Coach Janky Spanky (4-4) vs. Tweeting In The Trenches (5-3):
This is a painful matchup on paper. Both expansion teams could really make a statement this week with a victory. I also enjoy this matchup because EEB will certainly be torn over whether to root for his boy Roddy White or not. If Fusco really wanted to stick it to him, he’d throw Portis in his lineup. After all that smack talk saying how Portis is good, you would think he’d want to use him this week. Meanwhile CJS continues to employ LT while Tim Hightower sits on the bench and continues to put up superior numbers. Baffles me. I do think, however, that boom or bust EEB has a big week. With some favorable matchups I like Janky Spanky to put a hurtin on the TITTY.
Dueling Pylons (2-6) vs. Stanky Monkeys (3-5):
Now this is a rarity. Usually when these two teams square off it is for a first round bye or some other importance at the top of the standings. This time it’s to try and stay alive in the standings. This is without a doubt the biggest game in the regular season the Pylons have ever faced. Despite a couple of tough losses morale remains high and the team is determined. This matchup also marks the longest win streak amongst EFFL teams after the Pylons-Five streak was snapped earlier this season. I’m truly torn on this matchup. This has the feeling of a Pylons win, but I foresee this being a huge letdown game. And especially with Hines Ward on Monday night, this could be a Pylons heartbreaker. Look for Stanky to pull this one out in a close matchup and send the Pylons back to the draft board with his tail between his legs.
***** Game of the Week *****
Tequila Party Gnomes (6-2) vs. Johnson’s Farm (5-3):
I bring you this excerpt from the 2006 message board after the Gnomes had just lost their 7th straight game at the hands of Nick:
“Matt bought a $5 pizza from Little Caesars, and like its namesake, he was hot and ready for Ryan Longwell. Joy schmoozing with Pats fans quickly turned to dismay as Brad Johnson looked like a handicapped retard throwing arrows at an archery target. Despite the angst and frustration of the evening a Longwell field goal could have saved it. It was 4th and 11, and the kicking team stayed on the sideline. The loudest shriek in fantasy history was let out, and the Gnomes had lost 7 straight.”
It took the Gnomes 6 tries to take down the Philly Moron, but it was bound to happen eventually. In their past 4 meetings, each team has won 2. Each team has scored exactly 425 points. This is a game as much about pride as anything else. I would rank these teams 1 and 2 in no particular order as far as hatred for the King. It’ll be interesting to see if the Gnomes scour the waiver wire and try to find a little Johnson to shove down the throat of Gambino with Peterson on the bye. I believe Bryant of the Lions is available. Anyways this should be a pretty exciting matchup, and I actually like the Farm to take advantage of a weakened TPG squad and pull this one out.
Good luck to everyone this week. Be nice to the Pylons.
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