Monday, October 5, 2015

Wild Monday Night Finishes



Believe it or not, the EFFL stole the headlines this week. There were two WILD finishes, and a third that was equally as exciting.

TITTY was holding on for dear life against a hard charging Team Bartholomew. Only up 7, the Saints missed a FG that would have ended it. Tatz had Randle and Dan Bailey going still. But in one fell swoop, CJ Spiller gave it to Tatz by defeating his Cowboys and defeating his fantasy team with an 80 yard sprint to win the ballgame.

There were two simultaneous games going on: Lobitz v BG, and TPG v Dosh. Ben needed 17 from Tron to win. Matt needed 23 from Russell Wilson to win.

The Lions were down all game and clawing their way back. Ben had gotten to within 6 points and the Lions were in the red zone with under 2 minutes remaining. They needed a FG to tie or a TD to take the lead. A Tron TD would seal a victory for PCE. Staffy-Poo drops back and hits Tron over the middle. He's heading for the end zone!!!!! Just click play...


That was it for Lobitz. Undefeated no more. That fucking close. Welcome back Kam Chancellor.

Meanwhile, TPG was down 22 heading into Monday night with just Russell Wilson. Dosh was furiously texting me about how Russell was a "damn fool" and he "can't believe Marshawn would do this to him" and not play. Please note I typed the above at 6:30 PM, and it no doubt happened.

TPG had clawed back to within 7, but it looked like Seattle was just going to run the clock out. Detroit burned their final two timeouts, so with 3rd and 2 from their own 28, Seattle just needed a first down to ice it. In classic Seattle fashion, they refuse to run the ball. Wilson rolls right, does a classic jump pass and finds Jermaine Kearse in the middle of the field and HE. IS. LOOSE. There is NOBODY near Kearse. All he needs to do is fall down to win, but he's having NONE OF IT. He's trying to take this one to the house for TPG.

Detroit has no chance of winning if he's tackled. Their only chance is to let him score and win it for TPG. Kearse is at the 50, the 40, the 30, and he's finally chased down and pushed out of bounds at the 22 after a 50 yard gain. A TD would have given TPG a 1 point victory. Seattle takes a knee and ends it. Dosh escapes yet another Monday night at the death. I don't have a video as of the blog posting, but I'll try to add one. It was wild. Also Seattle was up by 3 and was a 9.5 point favorite.


On to the week in the NFL.

I won't burden you with the classic adages. We've been through it. After being declared BOWSE, Joe Philbin was fired a mere 7 days later. And Bills tailgates are not as fun when they're not playing the Patriots. You had Scott Hansen exclaiming "we had 51 touchdowns today!!" Let's do some math here. There were 2 teams off, 2 teams that played Thursday night, 2 Sunday night and 2 Monday night. That means 24 teams, or 12 games, were played in the afternoon. That means that 4.25 TDs were scored per game. That's nothing! That's a total of about 30 points COMBINED in each game from TDs. Give me a break Hansen.

This guy really grinds my gears. He's not beef of the week material, but he grinds my gears. Rashad Jennings caught a swing pass and took it to the house and he's proclaiming "THERE GOES TIM JENNINGS". The guy who is solo, broadcasting to basically every NFL fan, can't even get the fucking names right. I heard Sheldon Bailey instead of Stedman. And there was another one I can't remember but was really bad! I swear it! Guy works for 6 hours a week and can't do his fucking job right.

This week I'm on to the custom jerseys and funny signs. But only one funny sign. It said "I'm full Chubb". From now on, any time an EFFL member (probably me) drafts Nick Chubb, he will be taunted with obscenities "WAITRESS, WAITRESS. TOSS HIM! HE'S FULL CHUBB"

And who buys this shit?!?!?


And this is just a sampling. They are EVERYWHERE. Grown adults plunk down $100 to get a jersey with random shit on it. WHY?!?! No adults ever should have custom jerseys. I've maintained this stance for a long time and I will not waffle. How bout the Falcons idiots. $200 on that shit. And "AIN'T 1" can't even go anywhere wearing that alone. It doesn't make sense. Is that a Jay-Z reference? We can't be sure. Where's the guy with the "99 PROBLEMZ" jersey?

I do have to give it to the Bengals guy. That was clearly a Palmer jersey, and he ripped that nameplate right off! I wanted to find a GIF of Palmer ripping off the Ocho Cinco nameplate, but I can't find it on the internet. It may not exist. But I guess if you rip off Palmer, what the hell else are you gonna put?


Let's just get right to the damn Beef of the Week:


My goodness is this guy fucking awful. I took Carlos Hyde in my other league. I didn't understand. All I read was "Who's on the offensive line?" "They can't protect!" I didn't buy that. Turns out I wasn't even wrong. I completely underestimated how straight garbage Colin Kaepernick is. He's so bad, he might soon be benched for Blaine Gabbert. Out of 40 QBs drafted in the first round since 2000, only Brady Quinn and JaMarcus Russell have a worse QB rating. This includes guys like Joey Harrington, Matt Leinart, Kyle Boller, Vince Young, and David Carr. He's worse. And Kaepernick is even worse than THAT.

He's thrown for 227 yards in the last two weeks COMBINED. Every fucking zone read play he keeps. Every one! You're supposed to "read" the defense. It's not a fake to the RB and then you sprint straight into a defender. You may not realize how bad he is, but in his 52 career starts, he has 52 TD passes. You can point fingers anywhere you want, but in the famous words of Clay Matthews "YOU AIN'T WILSON BRO". What a disaster that team is. What an idiot for thinking they'd give the ball to the only good player on the team.


Also, only myself, Dosh, and TITTY have voted on the EFFL get together.

http://doodle.com/poll/5yuf658533isrqm6

You can actually vote "No Option Works for Me". JUST VOTE. If you don't wanna get drunk and watch football with your boys, that's on YOU, brotha.


Power Rankings

14. Bo$$town Cutter (1-3 - Last week 9): Tried to tough it out, but it's been 3 defeats in a row. With Dez injured and Martavis Bryant suspended for blowing tree with you, you had one good receiver. You traded him for Brady. And you picked up Tavon Austin who had a career day, and you didn't use him. Even with Martavis back, I'm concerned about the overall quality of this squad. Injuries have really hurt, which sucks.

13. TWINECTOMY (2-2 - Last week 11): I can't endorse this team at this point, even though you squeaked out a win. Despite a solid effort in Week 3, you've scored 83, 68, and 90 in the other 3 weeks. Could have easily used Ted Ginn after he helped you out last week, but chose to bench him while he scored 2 TDs. Peterson is keeping your team afloat, but he's on a bye in Week 5. A LOT of waiver wire players, but at least showing some consistency. Losing Lance Dunbar hurts.

12. Dueling Pylons (1-3 - Last week 14): Out of the doghouse! Finally started to show some improvement after a pitiful start. Still couldn't figure out which players to start, but there's at least some hope. Gurley went off in just his 2nd game. He's a total stud. Also scooped up Eddie Royal at 12:30, used him, and he was in the end zone a half hour later. Must've killed Lou. Hilton and Agholor may be sucking ass, but others are starting to step up, which this team needs big time.

11. The King's Crusaders (2-2 - Last week 12): About on par with the Pylons, but certainly not much better. I'm absolutely shocked that Maclin has done this well. In his past 6 quarters, he has 19 catches for 289 yards and a TD. That's almost 9 points per quarter. Absurd. Your RBs stink, however, and relying on two TEs every week can get a bit hairy. Rawls may prove to be a really big pickup if Beast Mode is out for an extended period of time.

10. Geno 911 (2-2 - Last week 13): This is probably an all-time high for Geno 911 in the power rankings. In any season. Your team is bad. But it's not THAT bad. Jamaal Charles has worked out. I still think the rest of your roster is filled with players that nobody else in the league wants.You could probably cut about 2/3 of your team and they wouldn't be picked up. I hope so, so badly that week 13 is a meaningful game against the Pylons.

9. A Lot O'Tatz (0-3-1 - Last week 5): Can't keep you afloat anymore. The only winless team, You're lucky you're still ahead of Gambino. Andrew Luck has scored 29 fantasy points in the 3 weeks since acquiring him. That'll obviously get better, but don't feel bad. Hilton has been awful also. Looking at your team, it should be better. Congrats for now being up to 4 players drafted by the Pylons. A tremendous accomplishment.

8. The Old Ball Sack (2-2 - Last week 8): Julio can't do it for you every week. You basically picked players from all the teams that are getting reamed by everyone. Lamar Miller, Anquan Boldin, And due to blind homerism, traded a very serviceable Danny Woodhead for a Redskins backup RB. Could certainly be lower. Probably should be lower.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-3 - Last week 7): Injury bug is really starting to creep up on TPG again. Lynch, Joique Bell, Charles Johnson, Austin S. Jenkins all missed this week. You do have the luxury of having Wilson and Rivers, and I'd highly recommend dealing one. AJ and Fitz is arguably the best combo in the league, so you're good there. Rough week, but things will get better.

6. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-2-1 - Last week 10): Moved up! I have nothing to say about your team. I do have SERIOUS beef with your trade offers. I was alerted you attempted to get Demaryius Thomas for Gates, Gore and Andre Johnson. Shockingly, shockingly, that was not your worst offer OF THE WEEK.

Saturday night, I'm watching Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1. Who knows if Peeta and Katniss are going to get back together?!?! All of the sudden my phone buzzes and I see "You've received a trade offer". I'm excited, distracted. Adam Vinatieri for TY Hilton. I immediately lose it. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!?" Chris' response? "Hahahah, I'm 8 Coronas deep and just wanted to laugh at your reaction". First of all, that's mean. Second, they still sell Corona in October? That's messed up. You're losing credibility. Get it together.

5. Team Bartholomew (2-2 - Last week 6): Antonio Brown is feeling the Big Ben effect. He's been touched and degraded, and he certainly didn't ask for it. I'd probably cut Kaepernick. He's thrown for a TD in exactly 1 of 4 games. But Jeremy and VJax got it together, which is a good sign. I think you're team is around the middle of the pack right now. Could go up or down still.

4. Stanky Monkeys (3-1 - Last week 2): Just an awful week all around. When 2 players leave the field due to injury, it's not good. And you've gotta be disappointed with just 16 from Matt Ryan when the Falcons scored 48 points. There was nothing you could have done. I think your team has better days ahead though. Edelman is off the bye. DeSean will be back soon. Ryan Mathews has been more effective than Spray Tan. I think you're fine.

3. Pork Chop Express (3-1 - Last week 4): The only thing consistent about this team is inconsistency. Again this team feels like it should be better, but despite the point total, I guess you really can't argue with the results. I just don't know how you make lineup decisions. It's gotta be so difficult every single week. Schedule is gonna start to get tougher after feasting on the league's bottom feeders. Allowed 98, 89, 95, and 106. You need a challenge.

2. Team BG (3-1 - Last week 3): Go figure. The two new guys occupy the two top spots. Thrown for a loop by Drew Brees, which is unfortunate. Despite also falling into the 49ers/Dolphins trap (IT'S A TRAP!), you've got two top-10 receivers and another in probably the top 20. In a 14 team league, that's huge. And your boy LeGarrette is ready to roll. I think this team is trending up.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (4-0 - Last week 1): Nothing new to report at the top. Despite an uncharacteristically low scoring week, had Devonta Freeman severely bail him out. Now have pulled 120 points in 3 weeks from single RBs. Team isn't as fun without Gronk, huh? This team will be fine and is certainly still the team to beat. Of course had the highest waiver priority and grabbed Stafford too. Bastard.


I'm back. I'm ready for more football. I needed something desperately. And this thing is wide open. A couple good records at the top, but lots of teams right around .500. Still everything up for grabs this early in the season. Except for EEB. He's gotta get it going right away.
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