I got screwed again this week! Nothing like losing on a Gary Barnidge taint TD.
That's actually what happened. EEB should change his team name RIGHT NOW to A Lot O'Taint.
Mother FUCKER. That's a rough way to go down to anybody, but especially EEB. Also Brandin Cooks caught a TD with :00 on the clock to just twist the knife a little further. EEB got away with one.
Although there are some good jerseys this week, I saw someone wearing a shirt that said "Tom Brady sit on my face". I know what you're thinking, but it was not Cutter.
The NFL was actually kinda good this week. Some late drama. Some winning bets. By the way, the Packers were in my parlay, so obviously Rodgers throws his first home picks since 2012. If you want your opponent to fuck up, send me some cash and I'll bet on their team. Bound to get bit.
Jamaal Charles also blew out his ACL. It was bound to happen. Here's a conversation I had with Gambino during the week.
Two weeks LOL. More like four days. It's amazing. The only good player on his team goes down. I'm no prognosticator, but I don't think that #10 ranking is going to hold up.
The Eagles showed some life. The Cowboys are gonna go a full month without winning a game. And how bad are the Lions. They might go winless for the entire season. They pulled Stafford for Orlovsky. Amazing.
Antonio Gates was "upset" with his suspension. Maybe you shouldn't have taken banned recovery substances then, Antonio. The rule is "don't put this in your body or you're suspended". He did the opposite. And was upset at the consequences. Can't imagine what he thought would happen. "I DIDN'T KNOW I SWEAR".
Beef of the Week: NFL Decision Makers
I actually had some difficulty finding beef this week. I was a relatively happy person on Sunday. Didn't wanna yell at anyone other than Sam Bradford for most of the first half.
That all changed Monday night. From the sideline reporter "As you know, DeAngelo Williams' mother died last year of breast cancer. He asked the NFL if he could wear pink all season to honor her. While he couldn't do that..."
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? The NFL actually turned this guy down from wearing pink all season?!?!? It's gotta be a money thing. Has to be. It might cause some controversy or dissent in the ranks. Well if one guy wears pink, the next you know everyone is going to want to wear a different color.
What fucking assholes. That's a slap in the face. Incredibly disrespectful to a veteran of the league. But what else would you expect. I hope someone gets on the horn and absolutely RIPS the league. They deserve it.
Here's the poll to get together again: http://doodle.com/poll/5yuf658533isrqm6
Do what you wish
Power Rankings
14. ROLL THE DICE (2-3 - Last week 13): No lie. When I was typing "ROLL THE DICE", I guess out of habit I typed "ROLL THE DICK". That's basically what this team is playing like right now.. Rolled Dick. Dosh's logo is now a beer helmet, and I think any public appearances the rest of the season must feature this apparatus. Now has weeks of 68, 70, 83, and 90. Admitted Peyton Manning is terrible. Let's see where this goes. ROLL THAT DICK.
13. Bo$$town Cutter (1-4 - Last week 14): I just want to explain the concept of the 1 PM rule.
Here's a scenario: Monday evening Le'Veon Bell blows out his knee walking into the locker room. DeAngelo Williams is available as a free agent. Anyone who has a player on a bye, or a player playing in the Monday night game can add DeAngelo and drop a player. Anyone who has already had all of their players play that week does not have that ability, as all players on the roster are locked. The 1 PM rule was put in place to level the playing field.
If the league as a whole wants to remove the rule and make it a free for all, I don't care. We can vote on it.
12. The King's Crusaders (2-3 - Last week 11): Still very much concerned about this roster. Andy Reid came back to Earth and stared motionless into space as Jay Cutler dilly-dallied his way to a victory. After that ACL got blown, everything went to shit. It's not good that KC has no other running backs. Defenses are going to put heat on Alex Smith as he dumps off for -2 yards over and over again. In the middle of the pack record wise. Not too late.
11. Dueling Pylons (1-4 - Last week 12): Fucking taint TD. Damnit. And got bit by Staffy. 6 Lions turnovers were a damn killer. This team is certainly looking up, however. Gurley is a monster. Allen Hurns is EEBin it real. Not the best team, but there's enough meat here to have some hope. Plays the bottom 3 in weeks 8-10, so could turn it around.
10. Geno 911 (3-2 - Last week 10): Take Jamaal Charles out of that lineup and things look pretty ugly. Doug Martin won't play the Jaguars every week, and Jay Cutler won't get the worst defense in the league and explode for 17 points every week either. I think this team is going to come crashing down. I look forward to future text messages predicting more injuries.
9. A Lot O'Taint (1-3-1 - Last week 9): I know you needed a win. But damn you didn't have to do me like that. I still think the roster is pretty decent, but that's just on paper. Guys have to deliver. Cooks had the most garbage of garbage time points. Brees looks real bad. Fuck Barnidge.
8. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-3 - Last week 7): Huge win v King. It looked a little hairy at points on Monday night. Probably didn't even realize that fantasy football was going on. Parlay > Eagles > EFFL. Somehow the Eagles aren't last. Looking forward to "spicing it up" on Sunday. If anyone wants in on this, we could have something here.
SPICING IT UP
A new twist. 3 Yes/No prop bets during a game. Should the guesser answer all 3 correct, the question distributor must eat the spiciest pepper available. I have habaneros in the apartment. Things may include:
- Will team X commit a defensive penalty in the 1st quarter?
- Will the first possession end in a punt?
- Will the broadcast have to go to commercial due to injury?
7. Pork Chop Express (3-2 - Last week 3): I can't get a read on this team. All of your RBs get benched for fumbling. Your #1 WR had his QB benched. And the rest of your roster (literally the entire roster) is Chargers and Eagles. It's just odd. I said it last week, and I don't think anything different. The only thing consistent about this team is inconsistency.
6. The Ol' Nut Sack (3-2 - Last week 8): Contacted me in a damn frenzy Sunday morning for Phil's phone number trying to get Jason Witten off him. I NEED A TE. HELP ME. EVERYONE WAS DROPPED AND I CAN'T ADD THEM. I think your team is a little above average. Adding some more players named CJ is the way to go. I swear, every time I see Spiller get the ball I think of Borat watching Baywatch "GO CJ!!!" "She had golden hair. Teeth as white as pearls. And the asshole of a 7 year old".
5. Team Bartholomew (2-3 - Last week 5): Nice pickup on Snead. Fusco missed the boat on that. Could've yelled SNEAD in his Mr. SMEE voice. Jeremy Hill is a terrible. And I recently learned he's a sexual predator. Great. At least Eifert is awesome. And that Broncos D is absolute fire. I can't believe how awesome they are. Little concerned about AB with Vick, but still a pretty solid squad across the board.
4. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-2-1 - Last week 6): No terrible trade offers this week. Step in the right direction. Can't wait to be playing against you and OBJ on Monday night... against the Eagles. Might as well just take fucking Tuesday off now. How awesome is it that TITTY picked up Boobie Dixon. Too funny. Some guy on the train "Who is Bobby Dixon? I thought Anthony Dixon was the RB."
3. Stanky Monkeys (4-1 - Last week 4): No real reason to move around here. Thanks for responding in the poll. Much appreciated. I don't think anyone else can do 11/1, but I appreciate it. Could really use Steve Sr. and DeSean back. Injuries have hit hard, but I definitely like your squad. Cobb/Forte combo is fire and Edelman is about as reliable as it gets. Definitely doesn't get the respect he deserves.
2. Team BG (3-2 - Last week 2): No shame in playing against the high score. It just sucks when it's Gambino and you know his team is playing way above its pay grade. Only injury is going to stop you from having the best receiver combo in the league. I shouldn't say that. Sever jinx.
1. Cecil Had It Coming (5-0 - Last week 1): Relying on multiple Raiders has to be one of the dumbest possible fantasy strategies. It's like trading away a bunch of players to maximize the number of Bills on your roster. Stupid. That Freeman/Dion Lewis/Foster RB combo is just killing everyone. When you can go 5-0 with some of your top picks injured, that's gotta be a great feeling. I'd never know.
ROLL THE DICK!!! Some big matchups next week at the extremes with the top teams playing the bottom teams. If the little guys can't pull an upset, it could be bad news.
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