Another week in the books, and damn does football suck this season. Has nothing to do at all with the fact that the Pylons are 0-3. Nothing. I can't even find funny tailgate pictures this week, which is shocking because the Browns hosted the Raiders. What else is there to do other than drink? My favorite TD combo hooked up: McCown-Barnidge. It's like a law firm that only deals with personal injury and has infomercials. Dial 888-SHITBROWNS.
I've seen things saying Browns throw a good tailgate. That's a load of horseshit. Every Browns fan is a fat slob. Oh look at this fat guy passed out with no puke on him! Weak. Look at this guy peeing on a dumpster! Weak. Look at these smoking hot biddies chugging fireball. Sike!!! There are no hot biddies anywhere near Cleveland. That's the last place you should ever go for anything. Especially a tailgate.
We had a good one this week finally! King v Dosh raged into the night while many slept. It looked like a sure victory for TWINECTOMY with James Jones laying the wood. King was cursing himself yet AGAIN. "Why did I have to get all Chiefs? Why did I trust Reid?" I have no fucking clue. That's stupid.
Maclin had a big goose at the half. Woody was down like 40 points. It was over. But somehow, he started to claw his way back. Rodgers was peppering the Chiefs with TD passes. 5 of em. And the Chiefs just kept hammering back and hammering back. Maclin TD. Kelce 2 point conversion. Next thing you know, Woody is only down by about 12. And the Chiefs are throwing nonstop. On a 4th and 17, Maclin catches the ball for 16 yards. He's somehow awarded a first down. Dosh is irate with just 2 minutes to play.
Chiefs are driving and Maclin is unstoppable. He catches an 8 yard pass on 1st and 10 to cut the Dosh lead to 3! Inexplicably, Andy decides to burn a timeout on 2nd and 2 from the Packers 10 yard line. Just eats those things up like they're fucking sauseeges. Dosh is clutching himself, knowing the Chiefs are knocking on his door. He's thrown a huge bone, as Jamaal Charles scores a TD to preserve the lead. Maclin is stuck on 28 points, all from the 2nd half.
But the Chiefs get the ball back for one final shot for the King. Instead of getting it with 1:15 left, there are only 30 seconds left because Andy needed a snack and ate that damn timeout. 1st down, Alex Smith fires for Maclin over the middle who falls down. Would have been close to tying the game. Smith is sacked on the final play and Dosh escapes. Woody's 3 players put up 81 points Monday night, and it fell just short. What a wild finish.
Anyway, this game didn't kick off til after 1:30. I was forced to continue to wait for Gurley's debut. Despite this over half hour delay, this game went into halftime before Eagles-Jets. How in the world does this happen?!?!? With a half hour delay, they barely took over an hour to play the half. I want to see that all the time. We've been sucked into this 3 hour nonsense, when in fact a game really can be played in less than two and a half. Let's have two rounds of games: a 2 and a 430 and be done. Trust me, I'm not drinking less with games only from 2-7. But it's no less exciting. In fact it might even be more exciting without the delays. The NFL is sucking up our time for damn advertisements. It ain't right. BOTW.
We had a good one this week finally! King v Dosh raged into the night while many slept. It looked like a sure victory for TWINECTOMY with James Jones laying the wood. King was cursing himself yet AGAIN. "Why did I have to get all Chiefs? Why did I trust Reid?" I have no fucking clue. That's stupid.
Maclin had a big goose at the half. Woody was down like 40 points. It was over. But somehow, he started to claw his way back. Rodgers was peppering the Chiefs with TD passes. 5 of em. And the Chiefs just kept hammering back and hammering back. Maclin TD. Kelce 2 point conversion. Next thing you know, Woody is only down by about 12. And the Chiefs are throwing nonstop. On a 4th and 17, Maclin catches the ball for 16 yards. He's somehow awarded a first down. Dosh is irate with just 2 minutes to play.
Chiefs are driving and Maclin is unstoppable. He catches an 8 yard pass on 1st and 10 to cut the Dosh lead to 3! Inexplicably, Andy decides to burn a timeout on 2nd and 2 from the Packers 10 yard line. Just eats those things up like they're fucking sauseeges. Dosh is clutching himself, knowing the Chiefs are knocking on his door. He's thrown a huge bone, as Jamaal Charles scores a TD to preserve the lead. Maclin is stuck on 28 points, all from the 2nd half.
But the Chiefs get the ball back for one final shot for the King. Instead of getting it with 1:15 left, there are only 30 seconds left because Andy needed a snack and ate that damn timeout. 1st down, Alex Smith fires for Maclin over the middle who falls down. Would have been close to tying the game. Smith is sacked on the final play and Dosh escapes. Woody's 3 players put up 81 points Monday night, and it fell just short. What a wild finish.
And the coolest thing to happen on Sunday was Papelboner fighting Bryce Harper in a dugout like baseball actually matters. RUN OUT THAT POP FLY BRO!!! WHO CARES IF WE'RE ELIMINATED AND IT'S GAME 154 of 162?!?!?! But I'm going to jump right into my beef this week. Because I'm left baffled.
Beef of the Week: Game Length
For years, I've operated under the assumption that a football game took 3 hours. If it was extra close, it could sometime extend another half hour or so. Turns out, that's bullshit. Some jagoff with fireworks (probably JPP) blew up the 4 yard line at the Edward Jones Dome right before kickoff. They brought out a damn shopvac from 1982 to suck up the debris. Game was delayed. Rams linemen were doing exercises to keep their groins loose. This undoubtedly led to the explosion of B.Berger's MCL.
We have some interesting developments in the league as teams begin to assert themselves. Phil has taken the league by storm, and his multi-year hiatus appears to have paid dividends. But losing your QB hurts. Who knows if he'll be able to keep up the hot start?
I also wanted to propose a league gathering in NYC to watch football on a Sunday. Click the link below and you can vote for as many weekends as you want. Would love to do a get together and just go buck wild in a bar as I fall to 0-8. Will pick whatever date the most people are in for. Furious clapping in people's faces is a must.
Power Rankings
14. Dueling Pylons (0-3 - Last week 11): The reaction to seeing this roster is exactly what Adam Sandler did in Billy Madison when he sees Ernie's pissed himself.
No depth. No starters. Just a damn mess of a squad. When will this team win its first game? Who fucking knows.
13. Geno 911 (1-2 - Last week 12): As expected, got clobbered by the top team. I think this team may be even worse than mine, but it's tough to tell. At least has Jamaal Charles to salvage something. That's as of this writing. He'll probably be injured on Monday night. It's a helpless feeling with bare bones on the bench. But at least Gambino is at Oktoberfest and probably slamming tons of dudes. He's winning the league on that front. Better doppelganger?
Either way, Gambino looks like an absolutely terrible quarterback. And is possibly black.
12. The King's Crusaders (1-2 - Last week 13): Moved up kinda by default, but make no mistake, part of the bottom 4. Couldn't even take advantage of a matchup against Dosh who was hurling expletives in my ear at Mike Evans all day. I honestly don't know how you make it back with that roster. It may not be too late to go to the well: get EEB drunk and rub him raw. Picked a good year to have a kid lol.
11. TWINECTOMY (1-2 - Last week 14): We're really splitting hairs at the bottom here. The bottom 4 are a clear bottom 4 at this point. Thanks for leaving me as the last team without a win. What I find most alarming about your performance Sunday (other than your Columbia windbreaker which was three sizes too small), is the complete lack of awareness as to players playing. Locked in to the Panthers to yell at Ted Ginn and totally missed Vernon Davis and Martellus Bennett doing absolutely nothing for you, it's that bad. I've been there. I'm sure I'll be there again pretty soon.
10. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-2-1 - Last week 9): It's weird. You look at this roster and you're like what the fuck?!? bELL, odELL, donnELL, lafELL,and emanuELL, and you think to yourself the obvious: Chris has failed miserably at having a team with everyone named Eli. If I'm TITTY, I wouldn't be happy with being felt up by repeated opposition. You have 3 good players and that's it. Will it be enough? Will you find the complementary pieces in time? Might have to get that trophy patched up sooner than later.
9. Mo$$town Cutter (1-2 - Last week 6): Nothing like rolling a blunt at 8 AM on your birthday, opening your fantasy squad, and seeing your receivers are Aaron Dobson and Dexter McCluster. Got an unbelievable game from Chris Johnson and it still didn't matter one bit. You were never going to win this week, but still. Just get all the Patriots. Roster has gotten very thin. Need all those doobie brothers back.
8. The Old Sack Tap (2-1 - Last week 10): Mike Y consistently defies the rankings. Julio is having basically the best season in history, but I really don't think he keeps up the 40 PPG pace. I could be wrong. I'd probably trade him for pieces to a team like the Pylons. I'm sure EEB wishes he never yelled at you "YOU DON'T TRADE JULIO" as he ravaged him again and again. Needs a running back desperately as I've said.
7. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-2 - Last week 7): Fucker. Left my ass like this:
6. Team Bartholomew (2-1 - Last week 2): I went from ecstatic to much concern. Kaepernick looked like Gambino (aka garbage). Big Ben went down which is going to hurt Antonio. Jeremy Hill is a colossal bust. Andy Dalton had a classic redhead moment and forgot that he loves tight end. Guy in my other league was texting me about the "Red Rocket". Dalton's nickname is the "Red Rifle". "Red Rocket" is what dogs get when they're horny. I digress. Only consolation for bad lineup decisions is that you had no shot to win.
5. A Lot O'Tatz (0-2-1 - Last week 3): Alarmingly high for a team without a win. But you're scoring points. I think you have a pretty solid team, and you know you haven't seen the best of Luck yet. Got a nice stretch coming up with Gambino and the Pylons. Definitely make or break time. You can't lose to those scrubs and expect to compete. Can't believe you started two Titans. I don't think anyone's ever done that in EFFL history.
4. Pork Chop Express (3-0 - Last week 8): Threatened to quit the league if he lost to Cutter. Reasonable effort from the squad. Certainly in the mix, but I think there are some better teams out there at this point.
Could this guy be any more Philly? Tailgating with a jersey of a player no longer on the team, wearing a lei despite it being less than 70 degrees, and refusing to put down his Miller Lite can to whack a rubber Tony Romo with breasts. What are those, cargo pants?
Click here for the version with sound Striking fear into the hearts of... basically nobody.
3. Team BG (2-1 - Last week 5): If only every week were that easy. Solid top to bottom. Injury bug has finally bitten, however. Kicker Cody Parkey has been lost for the year. Blew up for over 150 and left 27 from LeGarrette on the bench. Still alarms me that there's a guy named Blount on the Patriots and he's not on Cutter's team. Still carrying Montee Ball, which is hilarious. Because he's not even on a team.
2. Stanky Monkeys (3-0 - Last week 4): I'm one of those assholes that never takes a defense or kicker early. I think it's stupid. And then I look at my special teams scoring 4 points and look at Stanky Monkeys dropping 35. I'm an idiot as usual. Dropped 170 and the bench put up another 100. That's a good sign. I don't see any reason for this team not to beat the pants off of the Pylons next week.
1. Cecil Had It Coming (3-0 - Last week 1): I know you're thinking it:
Had DeAngelo drop 40 last week. Plugs in Devonta Freeman and he scores 42. But will you roll with Teddy now that Big Ben has gone down? But outside of Freeman, the team did look mortal. But there's no doubt that the top scoring team without Arian Foster, Alshon Jeffery, and Victor Cruz is scary. Definite opportunity to deal for a QB and strengthen the squad.
And I know you didn't see this coming, but I'm not done with the beef. I got some mo!
Beef of the Week - Special Edition (a.k.a. BOWSE) : Miami Dolphins
Joe Philbin is a fucking moron. I don't even have any Dolphins! But they hate Lamar Miller. 7 carries against Buffalo. Did the #2 Damien Williams get more carries? Nope, just 2. Who got the most carries? Jonas Gray, who they signed off the fucking street. Lamar Miller ran for 1,100 yards last year! But they absolutely REFUSE to give him the ball.
And they have just the absolute worst talent evaluation department in the league. It's not even close. Ryan Tannehill is a straight joke. He's barely in the discussion for top half of QBs in the league. Jarvis Landry "catches everything". Guy couldn't be less athletic. DeVante Parker? Going to be a huge bust. They used a first rounder on Parker, a second rounder on Landry, and Tannehill is out there chucking it up to Rishard Matthews and Jake Stoneburner (future Cutter team member). And there you have Philbin just staring into space like he's the damn white bitch from Men in Black.
They got straight GOONED by the Bills at home, and it was hilarious. I hope it's not too soon to get a Tyrod jersey. Philbin couldn't have less of a clue what he's doing. I have no idea how he's lasted this long. It's embarrassing that a team that has invested that many high picks on offensive players can't get a thing going.
Although... the Browns last 3 offensive first round picks were Johnny Manziel, Trent Richardson, and Brandon Weeden. That's fucking awful.
Week 4 Schedule
#1 Cecil Had It Coming v. #8 The Old Ball Sack
#2 Stanky Monkeys v. #14 Dueling Pylons
#3 Team BG v. #4 Pork Chop Express
#5 A Lot O'Tatz v. #13 Geno 911
#6 Team Bartholomew v. #10 Tweeting in the Trenches
#7 Tequila Party Gnomes v. #11 TWINECTOMY
#9 Bo$$town Cutter v. #12 The King's Crusaders
Don't forget to vote in the poll for a league get together. You can vote for multiple dates, which is no problem for me. Looking forward to getting bent over yet again in Week 4.
2. Stanky Monkeys (3-0 - Last week 4): I'm one of those assholes that never takes a defense or kicker early. I think it's stupid. And then I look at my special teams scoring 4 points and look at Stanky Monkeys dropping 35. I'm an idiot as usual. Dropped 170 and the bench put up another 100. That's a good sign. I don't see any reason for this team not to beat the pants off of the Pylons next week.
1. Cecil Had It Coming (3-0 - Last week 1): I know you're thinking it:
Had DeAngelo drop 40 last week. Plugs in Devonta Freeman and he scores 42. But will you roll with Teddy now that Big Ben has gone down? But outside of Freeman, the team did look mortal. But there's no doubt that the top scoring team without Arian Foster, Alshon Jeffery, and Victor Cruz is scary. Definite opportunity to deal for a QB and strengthen the squad.
And I know you didn't see this coming, but I'm not done with the beef. I got some mo!
Beef of the Week - Special Edition (a.k.a. BOWSE) : Miami Dolphins
Joe Philbin is a fucking moron. I don't even have any Dolphins! But they hate Lamar Miller. 7 carries against Buffalo. Did the #2 Damien Williams get more carries? Nope, just 2. Who got the most carries? Jonas Gray, who they signed off the fucking street. Lamar Miller ran for 1,100 yards last year! But they absolutely REFUSE to give him the ball.
And they have just the absolute worst talent evaluation department in the league. It's not even close. Ryan Tannehill is a straight joke. He's barely in the discussion for top half of QBs in the league. Jarvis Landry "catches everything". Guy couldn't be less athletic. DeVante Parker? Going to be a huge bust. They used a first rounder on Parker, a second rounder on Landry, and Tannehill is out there chucking it up to Rishard Matthews and Jake Stoneburner (future Cutter team member). And there you have Philbin just staring into space like he's the damn white bitch from Men in Black.
They got straight GOONED by the Bills at home, and it was hilarious. I hope it's not too soon to get a Tyrod jersey. Philbin couldn't have less of a clue what he's doing. I have no idea how he's lasted this long. It's embarrassing that a team that has invested that many high picks on offensive players can't get a thing going.
Although... the Browns last 3 offensive first round picks were Johnny Manziel, Trent Richardson, and Brandon Weeden. That's fucking awful.
Week 4 Schedule
#1 Cecil Had It Coming v. #8 The Old Ball Sack
#2 Stanky Monkeys v. #14 Dueling Pylons
#3 Team BG v. #4 Pork Chop Express
#5 A Lot O'Tatz v. #13 Geno 911
#6 Team Bartholomew v. #10 Tweeting in the Trenches
#7 Tequila Party Gnomes v. #11 TWINECTOMY
#9 Bo$$town Cutter v. #12 The King's Crusaders
Don't forget to vote in the poll for a league get together. You can vote for multiple dates, which is no problem for me. Looking forward to getting bent over yet again in Week 4.
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