We are BACK! And as is frequently the case with the start of football (you can check past blogs to confirm), I'm cursing the damn sport within minutes. I've been STARVING for football, and I just take it on the chin constantly. It's a given that I will play the high score in Week 1. It happens every year, and I'm no longer surprised, but it's always a sickening feeling to see the Bengals pound your BH relentlessly. I never did anything to them. I actually went to trivia a couple years ago, and they questioned about Bengals history. I was all over it. I never did anything to that sad franchise, but nevertheless I'm a helpless bottom. Just receiving 4 separate times.
Every year you see something new and think to yourself "Man, I've never seen that before". This happened about 10 minutes into football, as Josh McCown was spun over 180 degrees by a diving head shot.
This evoked memory of the Sage Rosenfels whirlybird, but at least Sage took a shot to the body. This was helmet on helmet. Yikes.
Also, this is Gronk's girlfriend: https://instagram.com/camillekos/. Sorry if you're reading this on the toilet and went for an unexpected morning dip.
And I say it every single year. We HAVE TO GO TO A BILLS TAILGATE. This type of thing happens at every home game! This guy is a hero!
I'm going to get straight into the beef of the week, as I'm about to go on a serious rant.
Beef of the Week: DFS
I'd honestly be surprised if all 14 members even knew what it stood for. Apparently DFS stands for "Daily Fantasy Sports". I don't think so. In my mind, it stands for "Dumb Fucking Shit". This community appears to be gaining steam, and for the love of God I hope it is stopped sooner than later. The two main culprits here are DraftKings and FanDuel. You've heard of both of them. The reason being they spend more money on advertising than I ever knew was possible. If you watch football, it is a proven fact that 72% of all advertisements are for one of these companies. They sponsor EVERYTHING. It's not just like a normal company who advertises. Here are some things sponsored by one of these companies:
- This replay brought to you by DraftKings
- This flying header brought to you by FanDuel.
- This coaches challenge brought to you by FanDuel.
- This pylon, brought to you by DraftKings.
- This goalpost, brought to you by FanDuel.
- This hashmark, brought to you by DraftKings.
- This jockstrap brought to you by FanDuel.
I'm not even exaggerating. I was coming off the subway the other day, and the fucking turnstile is wrapped in a DraftKings ad. You can't even see the train times on the boards in Penn Station because of the gigantic FanDuel ad in your face. They are fucking EVERYWHERE. They're on the electric level separator at every stadium. It's only a matter of time until there are stickers for both of these companies all over seats, jerseys, concession stands, the facade of stadiums, facemasks, floors, urinals, urinal cakes, urinal flushers, the inside of toilets, the paper towel dispensers, usher's faces, railings and everything else imaginable. You want a burger at the stadium? It'll have the fucking FanDuel logo imprinted on it. You want a hot dog? It was made in a meat mold spelled out in DraftKings. It's FUCKING AWFUL.
These two companies are EXACTLY THE SAME. There is not a single difference between the two. And the NFL is the BIGGEST FUCKING HYPOCRITE OF THEM ALL. We're not gonna allow gambling, but we have no fucking problem pimping the hell out of these two companies from which they can take a cut. But somehow, Dumb Fucking Shit is not gambling. HOW? You have to bet money on players and you win money. You bet on players instead of teams. Who cares?!?!?! It's gambling.
These guys have also infiltrated the fantasy community. Matthew Berry's Love/Hate column is now DFS inspired. You want to know who you should start or sit? The only thing that matters is what their salary is.
And I just think it's so stupid to play against half a million people you don't know with players you have no loyalty to. I get the intention. If your fantasy season goes to shit, you have a backup. But there's just NO EXCITEMENT. The lack of head-to-head matchup is fucking retarded. There is nothing better than getting together with one of your boys, getting fucked up, and screaming in his face every time you drop a TD in his grill. Nothing better. DFS sucks the life out of that, and I for one will not conform to this new fad.
I've also seen some hate recently on the live drafts. Apparently some people think it's "too much of a hassle" to get guys together. It's easier to just draft online and be done with it. Fuck THAT. The EFFL Draft is one of the most exciting things of my entire year, every single year. People have tried to turn fantasy football into nothing but gambling. For me (and I think most of the league feels the same way), fantasy football is about making football more enjoyable and a way to stay close with a bunch of people who may not necessarily live near each other any more. DFS wants to take that away. The EFFL will not stoop to these fucking levels.
Rant over.
Now it's time to get into the power rankings. I don't know how this will go, but let's see.
14. Geno 911 (0-1 - Last week 14): This team looked terrible from the getgo, and I haven't seen anything that would make me consider changing my mind. Played against a team with two 0's and still lost. That's embarrassing. And Tony Romo has lost Dez for awhile, which surely hurts his value. The one thing I will say is that there are a couple decent options on the bench would could end up helping. Moncrief, Hillman and Lockett all could end up in the starting lineup sooner than later. Still a ways to go, but not looking good.
13. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-1 - Last week 7): Oh baby! I think TITTY may be in some trouble already. Brady isn't going to play the Steelers joke defense every week, and Andre Ellington is already down with an injury. Only 2 RBs even playing are two Giants who together don't even equal one good RB. The trio of Eddie Royal, Mike Wallace, and Andre Johnson looks downright dreadful, dear. The Beckham-Bell combo is going to be good in the future, but this team is currently on thin ice.
12. Dueling Pylons (0-1 - Last week 12): Pylons second round pick: 0 points. Pylons third round pick: 0 points. Pylons fifth round pick: 0 points. That's a problem. While Sammy Watkins performance was disappointing, assuming Tyrod Taylor only throws the ball 20 times a game is impossible. Starting QBs don't throw the ball only 320 times in a season. Luck looked good. Ivory looked good. Jordan Reed looked good. The rest of the team is going to need to step it up pretty soon. Phillip Dorsett could move into a big role with T.Y. Hilton banged up.
11. The King's Crusaders (1-0 - Last week 13): This team may prove to be better than initially anticipated. Travis Kelce was absolutely unstoppable, and that pick could pay huge dividends. Will no doubt be fooled into using Percy Harvin in the future, where he will fail to reach double digit points ever again. But a team with Aaron Rodgers should always be competitive. It's just a matter of whether the big weeks will be there. That remains uncertain.
10. The Old Ball Sack (0-1 - Last week 6): Mike Y can't be encouraged with the week 1 performance despite the valiant effort from Julio Jones. The two keepers, CJ Anderson and Lamar Miller, looked overrated as expected. CJ has already hurt himself. The QB spot also appears to be in question at the moment. While some teams emerge from Week 1 not seeing the results they expected, it's really hard to find a bright spot at the moment. Brandon Marshall's 18 points might be his best of the season. I'm concerned for this team already. Will need to get right on the waiver wire.
9. TWINECTOMY (0-1 - Last week 11): This team really did not put up many points, yet still moved up in the rankings. Really planned poorly for this week and was forced to use an inactive Mike Evans. That always sucks. The big concern, however, appears to be with Peyton Manning. Will he emerge as a legitimate QB option, or is he done? Having Tannehill as a backup isn't a killer, and appears to have won the Green Bay lottery by adding James Jones. That could be a huge find. Things will get better. Decent squad.
8. Bo$$town Cutter (1-0 - Last week 3): I don't think this is a bad team, but without Dez, it's middle of the pack for now. The team looks dramatically different. But had the balls to start Mariota, and it worked out. The Alex Smith / Mariota combo was the best in the league at the QB spot. Go figure. Really could use Martavis and Gates back, but the longer you hang in there, the better your chances. This team definitely projects to be better in the 2nd half of the season. Hopefully it's not too late for you.
7. Stanky Monkeys (1-0 - Last week 10): Forte, Cobb and Edelman actually looks like it's going to be a pretty awesome trio. Losing DeSean hurts, but having Pierre Garcon also on the roster certainly makes up for it. My concern with this team is the depth. The bench is pretty bare, and any more injuries could be disastrous. But bench points don't matter, and as long as the starters stay healthy, this team should remain pretty competitive. I'm certainly encouraged with the effort.
6. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-1 - Last week 9): Ran into the Phil buzzsaw, and man does that hurt. Had a pretty respectable outing out of the gate, but it wasn't enough. Obviously made the wrong decision at QB, and turned down a trade that would have sent Rodgers and Kelce to TPG. King is certainly thanking you for not accepting this week. And also lost to a team that started two Raiders. That's the biggest slap in the dick of all. But I think TPG looked pretty solid. I think this team has some good young players that will continue to improve.
5. A Lot O'Tatz (0-1 - Last week 2): Lineup decisions have always eluded EEB's skill set. Got cute and went with Flacco against the Broncos. He was fucking garbage. Should've stuck with your boy Cam Newton. Now Hilton is banged up. You'll continue to struggle with lineup decisions and hold your team back. But I think eventually a couple guys emerge and you'll figure it out. I still think this team has a lot of potential, just don't expect Mark Ingram to have receiving numbers like that when Spiller is back.
4. Team BG (1-0 - Last week 4): Didn't see anything that would really change my opinion of this team. Got 2 pretty strong keepers in Hopkins and Landry and man did Carlos Hyde look good. And Demaryius had one of his worst games, so he should do nothing but improve. Would like to see a little more at the TE and Flex spots. The end of the bench looks a little thin, but getting LeGarrette back should be pretty good. And Brees is clearly going to throw a ton, as the Saints will be behind in pretty much every game.
3. Team Bartholomew (1-0 - Last week 8): Unloaded on the Pylons relentlessly. 2 TDs each from Hill and Eifert. A garbage Antonio Brown TD. A Broncos defensive TD. I had no shot. This team may prove to be better than initially expected, but you can't expect your Bengals to give you 50 points a week. I'm still concerned about the Vincent Jackson / Joseph Randle combo. If Jackson can't do anything with Mike Evans out, how will he when he returns? Also could benefit with Dez out by using Terrance Williams. I like what I see.
2. Pork Chop Express (1-0 - Last week 1): No man should have as many emotions about Keenan Allen as Ben does. OMG 15 RECEPTIONS!!!?!?!?!?@(Q#*%#& A very advanced stat called FPPT (or fantasy points per target), confirms that Keenan Allen finished just 11th among WRs on Sunday. He had a good game. For the amount of targets he saw, he arguably should have done better. I'm not a fan of drafting players from all terrible teams, so we'll see how that plays out. I still like your team, but we'll see. You and EEB both struggle with lineup decisions.
1. Cecil Had It Coming (1-0 - Last week 5): I don't understand the team name. Who's Cecil? Cecil Shorts? I agree he had it coming. I just don't see how this team is not the favorite at this point. The Gronk/Witten TE combo is going to be huge all year. Alshon and Amari and Foster and Cruz coming back. And Big Ben at QB. We'll see how it goes, but I'm certainly encouraged. After Gronk's 2nd TD, Phil told me to get his name engraved on the trophy. That's some big talk for the first week, but I'll be damned if he hasn't backed it up.
I'm already ready for more football. Give it to me! Just no DFS. Here's who we've got, with Power Rankings attached.
#1 Cecil Had It Coming v. #4 Team BG
#2 Pork Chop Express v. #12 Dueling Pylons
#3 Team Bartholomew v. #8 Bo$$town Cutter
#5 A Lot O'Tatz v. #13 Tweeting in the Trenches
#6 Tequila Party Gnomes v. #7 Stanky Monkeys
#9 TWINECTOMY v. #10 The Old Ball Sack
#11 The King's Crusaders v. #14 Geno 911
Of course after ranking King #13, he's on track to go 2-0. I need something. No yelling at the TV in frustration. We'll see how that goes. Looking forward to another good week.
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