The most impressive Tony on Sunday is pictured above.
The Week 1 Blog comes to you from 40,000 feet. After spending 6 days in Austin studying math, it’s time to return to the Northeast and real life. Thankfully I’m able to watch Switzerland vs. England soccer to help pass the time. Before getting into the blog, just wanted to congratulate Adam Tatz on the birth of his daughter Emelia, pictured here:
Just a day old, Adam chose to already subject his daughter to Tony Romo. I know there’s no book on parenting, but surely if there were, watching the Cowboys would be the last thing in there. Second to last would be buying your child an Eli Manning jersey. How bad do you think Victor Cruz wants to go in Coughlin's office and say "Please start Nassib. Please."
Sunday morning I had arguably the funniest fantasy football conversation of my life. I was inquiring about last minute trade options prior to the start of the season. I reached out to one Adam Cutter regarding the availability of Alshon Jeffery. Alshon is a premium player, so I did not want to insult him with an offer. I asked who he was interested in and he notified me that he wanted Peterson. Fine. He also notified me “I’m high. Make me an offer.” Even better. It’s like EEB on Thanksgiving Eve. I offered a package of Peterson and Offensive Rookie of the Year candidate Marqise Lee in exchange for Alshon Jeffery and Emmanuel Sanders as a conversation starter. He declines and decides to counter offer. Peterson and Gronk for Alshon, Dexter McCluster and Coby Fleener. Yikes.
Me: “How high are you?”
Cutter: “Apparently more than I thought.”
What a gem. And his day got even worse as you’ll soon see.
Here's just something random I found funny:
Here's just something random I found funny:
Texas is a weird place, man. Everything is slower down there. 40 MPH speed limit means don’t go faster than 28. Country music and cowboy boots rule the area. Any semblance of a beat immediately clears the dance floor. Signs for the “gun show” have absolutely nothing to do with lifting. It’s a real thing. There’s not a green to be found unless it’s green chile sauce. Texas has to lead the country in heart attack ratio. There’s no dress code anywhere. Grown men twerk on a bar floor as if that’s normal. Tucking your shirt into jeans is not only deemed acceptable, it’s encouraged. The only thing I can’t say I saw was jorts. They don’t fly anywhere. And for all of you Delaware folks, I was actually asked on this trip “Is Delaware a State?”
And all of this was before Sunday football. I do have to say, the beer selection in Austin is pretty good which always helps. But finally Sunday arrived. One of the funniest things I’ve personally seen in a while is a guy wearing a Blake Bortles jersey at a bar. What’s the play here? Are you rooting for the Jaguars or not? If you’re rooting for the Jags and they win, they don’t bench Henne for Bortles. Or are you rooting for Bortles, which would be counterintuitive. Getting a jersey of the backup QB is never a good idea. You just look like a fool.
Also, there are some serious, serious drinkers. Bars have these communal tables, so we were sharing with some other folks. Guy rolls up extremely hungover and orders Maker’s and tea. Who does that? After that it was interchanging mimosas with arguably the most disgusting drink I’ve ever seen. Surely most have heard of a bulldog. Great idea. Jam a Corona bottle upside down into a frozen margarita and let the two flavors slowly mix. The thickness of the margarita prevents the beer from just flooding the drink. It works. Apparently down in Texas, they do something a little different. Mix peach schnapps with Everclear and then jam a can of Red Bull upside-down into a pint glass. This just makes absolutely no sense to me. I understand the premise of a Red Bull vodka that’s trying to literally kill someone. Fine. It’s disgusting, but I get it. What I don’t get is why there’s a dirty gross aluminum can of Red Bull floating in your drink? There’s no thick margarita to prevent the liquids from mixing. The Red Bull just goes out of the can into the drink. Why are you leaving a truly empty can in your drink? Why does nobody question this setup? Alarming.
Beef of the Week: In case you forgot, this is back for yet another year. It may seem a little early to be beefin, but I can’t narrow my choices down to just 1.
First, the NFL Preseason is an absolute joke. I understand wanting to test things like the moved Extra Point to see if it has a big effect on games. Half the times teams go for 2 at the end of a game just to avoid having to play more football. It’s impossible to tell, but whatever. The thing that really grinds my gears is what they were doing with penalties. If you are going to emphasize Defensive Holding and Illegal Hands to the Face, do it how you actually will in the regular season. They took a product that very few care about and made it even more unwatchable. Games were fine yesterday, so why do you need to charge season ticket holders full price to watch a garbage product? Don’t make fans the guinea pigs. There are probably a couple guys who got cut too for too many penalties. And then it’s not the same in the regular season? It could’ve cost some their job.
Secondly, why can’t the ESPN get their fucking app working? There are countless people whose jobs are to make sure that thing is functioning. And you’ve had a year to work on it. The app doesn’t count kicker and defense points correctly. And then during the Sunday night game the whole operation goes down? The response? “Routine Maintenance”. Really? Really? It’s routine to have your shit not working when it’s getting the most use? Maybe they should take some people covering Johnny Manziel and Michael Sam and have them do some real work. Infuriating.
Third, the commissioner must go. What does he think happened in the elevator? Does he think there was a Solange/Jay-Z incident first and that somehow she got knocked out. She took one step and got a left hook to the face, resulting in broken bones. And how is Ray Rice not in jail? If any regular person does that, you're getting prosecuted and permanently banned by your employer. They saw the video. They thought it was worth two games. Apparently Cutty committed more harm by blazing on his patio than Ray Rice did in his eyes. Nobody with that incompetent level of decision making should be in a leadership role. I'm just ranting, but hopefully you all take to Twitter to hate on the NFL using #FireGoodell.
Third, the commissioner must go. What does he think happened in the elevator? Does he think there was a Solange/Jay-Z incident first and that somehow she got knocked out. She took one step and got a left hook to the face, resulting in broken bones. And how is Ray Rice not in jail? If any regular person does that, you're getting prosecuted and permanently banned by your employer. They saw the video. They thought it was worth two games. Apparently Cutty committed more harm by blazing on his patio than Ray Rice did in his eyes. Nobody with that incompetent level of decision making should be in a leadership role. I'm just ranting, but hopefully you all take to Twitter to hate on the NFL using #FireGoodell.
And lastly, before we get to the rankings, here are two of the funniest plays I’ve seen in a long time. If you asked me to name all of the types of kicks we’d see in Week 1 I’d have guessed field goal, punt, extra point. Would’ve never thought to put bicycle or karate on the list. Thank you MJD and Antonio Brown. And MJD needs to retire. He’s completely done.
Without further ado, the Week 1 Power Rankings:
14. Pork Chop Express (0-1) (Last week: 14): Could crack 100 points depending on the performance of Joique Bell and Keenan Allen. Exactly one player on the bench scored points. Having Bishop Sankey as your #1 RB is going to prove to be very difficult. Luck had a nice game Sunday night, but playing from behind he threw a ton of passes. Didn’t see anything to inspire confidence that this will be a competitive team.
13. Bo$$town Cutter (0-1) (Last week: 9): Scored a total of 67 points in Week 1. That’s hilarious. I think you have some good pieces, but the lack of depth means that it’s gonna be tough if guys bust. I look forward to discussing trade with you again. I’m sorry that your rough day across fantasy football and softball led to further abuse. I don’t think your team is this bad, but it’s not good.
12. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-1) (Last week: 8): What happened? In the inaugural blog I wrote “has the potential to be one of the worst in the league.” I didn’t think that statement would ring true so soon. Started 2 Rams. That’s just unheard of. Zac Stacy could end up being a major draft bust, which will be a huge problem for this team. I almost had to drop you lower in the rankings, and don’t be surprised to see it soon.
11. Geno 911 (1-0) (Last week: 10): I just don’t understand how you can draft teams consistently that I dislike so much. At one point in the 3rd quarter of the late games, your starting QB-RB combo of Romo and Doug Martin had combined for -1 points. And somehow you still won! Pure luck. Pure luck. I wrote “middle of the road”, and nothing has convinced me otherwise. Scoring 115 points most weeks, which I expect to happen, doesn’t get it done.
10. The Smokin’ Jays (0-1) (Last week: 6): This team should prove pretty quickly that it’s nothing special. I don’t know if you do, but it seems impossible to me for anyone to like Jay Cutler. Guy has a terrible attitude with everyone, and as usual he’s not at fault for anything. He hasn’t won shit. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him get benched. I’m a little unsure about the rest of this team. I think it’s going to be tough to get into the playoffs.
9. DA BEARDS (1-0) (Last week: 13): I know you’re thinking I’m insane. But you can’t count on a defense to drop 28 points every week. I do think, however, that I’ve grown a little more on your team. It’s not as bad as I originally thought. Plus Rodgers didn’t even have a great game, so he should be better going forward. Keep picking up those wins and you’ll move up. Trent Richardson is just so bad. He already was outscored by Ahmad Bradshaw and that should be a regular occurrence. Wasted 3rd round pick.
8. A Lot O’ Tatz (1-0) (Last week: 11): When your QB, TE, Kicker and Defense combine for 91 points, you’re going to win like 99% of games. Unfortunately, you just can’t count on anything near that much. Julius Thomas could certainly pay big dividends, and with Manning it’s impossible to be counted out. I think I was a bit harsh at the onset, but like Dosh, I need to see more on a week-to-week basis. Same deal. Keep winning and you’ll move up.
7. Team Toliver (0-1) (Last week: 12): Came up on the short end of an old fashioned slugfest with the Pylons. Scoring 140 and losing is unfortunate, and surely just makes last season's playoff elimination sting a little more. But the same thing happens every year. Mocked at the draft for taking players early and puts up more points than the haters. You want Kaepernick and VD, go ahead they say. Meanwhile they’re outscoring plenty of other QB-TE combos. And you have the best receiver in the league. I was skeptical that you’d be a contender, but you have good players. Better than a lot of other teams. Stay active on the waiver wire and you’ll certainly be in the thick of it.
6. Big Brother’s Bitch (1-0) (Last week: 7): Above average feels about right. The spreadsheets said wait on RBs and take Gerhart and Ellington. Well they’re both already injured. But Zach Ertz was a good pick. Guy’s gonna have a nice year. If you can shore up the RB position, I think that you should be in contention for the playoffs. Despite saying it in the initial blog, I don’t think you end up in the costume barring even further injuries.
5. Tequila Party Gnomes: (1-0) (Last week: 2): I was probably a little too generous with TPG in the initial rankings, but the Top 5 remains the same as the initial. I think this team is clearly ahead of the teams below. I still can’t believe you were able to snag all 3 of those RBs and BMarsh. I think the 2nd half of your draft is why you’ve fallen. Like I indicated with Geno 911, 117 isn’t going to get it done on a regular basis. But I think you should be better. Same advice as Toliver. Stay active on the waiver wire and you’ll be fine.
4. The King’s Crusaders (0-1) (Last week: 4): Got clowned by EEB and still 4 spots ahead of him. He can’t agree with that assessment. I don’t know why you thought starting Geno Smith was a good idea. But I’ll just keep laughing as you insist to me you don’t need a starting QB but are throwing out offers for them left and right. The Bell-Brown Steelers combo could turn out to be really good, but they won’t be playing the Browns every week. You’re still high on the list because you have McCoy. Arguably the best first 3 rounds of any team.
3. Stanky Monkeys (0-1) (Last week: 5): What a cruel game fantasy football is. Had preseason #1 Team Bartholomew on the ropes and couldn’t deliver the knockout blow. I’d venture up 34 points with VJax and Witten against DeMarco Murray, Greg Olsen and a Kicker, you win that game at least 9 times out of 10. But it was not to be. This was the most exciting game of the week, and it truly came down to the final play. Unfortunately get the Pylons in Week 2. The schedule will get easier I promise. Don’t panic. You have a good team.
2. Dueling Pylons (1-0) (Last week: 3): The area of concern for the Pylons heading into the season was at WR. After 1 week, it looks like Floyd, Cooks and Cordarrelle could end up being major draft steals. Even with mediocre Peterson and Gronk weeks, still put up a bunch of points. Solid bench as well. Nothing at this point indicates that this team will be out of contention after dropping 150+ in Week 1. Looking quite strong.
1. Team Bartholomew (1-0) (Last week: 1): As with the Pylons, there is nothing here to indicate that the preseason #1 ranking was unjustified. 133 is a very solid total, and it was all done without the starting QB. I was very complimentary of the Greg Olsen pick, and his huge game saved you in Week 1. This team is going to be tough to beat every week. Kendall Wright looked good, Shane Vereen came through, and DeMarco looked greet. Definite contender.
Week 2 Matchups (there are some good ones):
#1 Team Bartholomew (1-0) v. #6 Big Brother’s Bitch (1-0)
#2 Dueling Pylons (1-0) v. #3 Stanky Monkeys (0-1)
#4 The King’s Crusaders (0-1) v. #5 Tequila Party Gnomes (1-0)
#7 Team Toliver (0-1) v. #8 A Lot O’ Tatz (1-0)
#9 DA BEARDS (1-0) v. #13 Bo$$town Cutter (0-1)
#10 The Smokin Jays (0-1) v. #14 Pork Chop Express (0-1)
#11 Geno 911 (1-0) v. #12 Tweeting in the Trenches (0-1)
Well that’s it. Week 1 is in the books. Hopefully next Sunday I’ll be showered with even more texts and hilarious stories. Looks like virtually everyone was able to avoid serious injury for one week. Hopefully that stays true. Hope you enjoyed reading.
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