.@89SteveSmith hey man remember your pants that went missing when you were at Carolina? Think I know who took them. pic.twitter.com/ndHlXYT4qc
— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) September 22, 2014
And the absolute best of them all:
Yes, that's Lions linebacker Stephen Tulloch trying to Discount Double Check. Instead channels his inner Bill Gramatica and blows out his knee celebrating. The slow-mo replay of his face is absolutely incredible. Just goes from joy to AHHHHHHHHH MY KNEE PIECE!!!!! It's floating around on YouTube, but it was very difficult to find a GIF of that angle.
While not quite beef of the week material, Peter King just needs to shut the fuck up about Jameis Winston. He wrote "I am still trying to figure out what would cause a person, in public or private, to scream the words that came out of Winston’s mouth on the Florida State campus the other day." Amazing. The guy has sexual assault allegations against him and stole crab legs from a supermarket, but those things aren't the tipping point. Jameis purporting a meme in public is the real red flag. He stood on a table and yelled "fuck her right in the pussy". It's hilarious. And especially the "in private" part. Get off your high horse, man.
Seriously, it's hilarious. Grow up.
Anyway, as is customary on the blog, the commissioner likes to congratulate the accomplishments of the rest of the league. The latest of those is Dosh Whye's completion of the Spartan Beast race. If you weren't convinced Dosh is the most intimidating physical presence in the league, he apparently can now throw a spear with tremendous accuracy. Congrats. I fear for the team that knocks you out of the playoffs.
This weekend was a bit of a wild one. I'm still laughing about it. Parx Racing and Casino was the site Saturday for the Pennsylvania Derby. The day started out like any normal day at the track, but it wasn't until we started to leave the casino area that things got better. Apparently Parx found some old Philadelphia Park memorabilia lying around and decided to sell it. The result was this:
Hilarity ensued. "WHICH WAY TO THE PADDOCK? HE'S LATE FOR THE RACE". Apparently if you're wearing jockey silks at a racetrack, you're allowed to do whatever you want. "JOCKEY COMING THROUGH".
I didn't think it was actually going to happen, but a nice elderly gentleman came up and asked directly if I was a jockey. We ran with it. Thank you alcohol. "You see this tear right on the back here? That's when he fell off the horse." "Yea, I broke my collarbone when I got tossed. Decided it wasn't worth it anymore". The guy gave me a few pats on the back and a parting "Well God bless you". I'm still laughing thinking about it. Now you may think it is funny that I could be so easily confused for a jockey, but I don't care. It was well worth it. And you better believe that full jockey attire is in the running for a costume the last place finisher wears at next year's draft.
Beef of the Week: Changing draft pick positions
Why do teams do this? We drafted Johnny Manziel in the first round! Let's try him at receiver! This has happened far too often. The Texans brought in Clowney and immediately tried to convert one of the best pass rushers in the draft into a linebacker. The Eagles are now doing the same with first round reach Marcus Smith. The Cardinals used Safety Deone Buchanan at LB. They make tackles switch sides all the time. I just don't get it. Why do teams value these high picks so much and then move guys from position to position? There are plenty of reasons the Browns suck, but drafting a QB and playing him at WR is certainly one that is avoidable. The Jaguars did the same thing with Matt Jones and that was a massive failure. I get trying to be ahead of the game, but this notion of spending a high draft pick on a player and changing his position is not the way to go.
Before we get into the power rankings, I just want to remind everyone that the EFFL Rulebook is sent out every year in the summer and can also be found at all times at the link at the top of the page. Players cannot be added to team rosters after 1 PM Eastern on Sunday. All other rules are in the rulebook and have been in place for many, many years. I will drop the iron jockey fist if there is an infraction. Apparently Uncle Domingo thinks it's OK to change the league's scoring system in the middle of the year. No word if Dosh has taken his frustration out yet.
I also am not without error. I fucked up the schedule and had Tatz-Mike Y on there twice and Gambino-Fusco on the schedule twice. That has since been corrected, and a few matchups had to be moved to different weeks. You will now play every team once. My apologies if this disrupted any plans.
Power Rankings
14. Bo$$town Cutter (0-3) (Last week: 14): Not much surprise here with Cutter still bringing up the rear. Cutty has put up a massive 248 points in 3 weeks. Dead last in the breakdown. Lone bright spot Emmanuel Sanders is on a bye next week. In serious danger of falling to 0-4. That's a massive hole to have to climb out of. Ray Rice in the 4th round was a killer. Might have to start selling off pieces to get a little more competitive. If not, just grab a bunch of rookies and hope it gets better. Eddie Lacy has a total of 16 points through 3 games. And he's played in all of them.
13. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-2) (Last week: 13): Ain't much better in here, kid. Surely it will get better, but a very uninspiring performance thus far. You and EEB were so happy that you were drafting all Broncos. That didn't quite work out. Now Pitta is out for the year too. Must be questioning life right now. Bench Gates and he scores 34 points. Put him back in the lineup and he scores 1. Facing TPG, having the Broncos and Zac Stacy on a bye next week, and Pitta being injured is a recipe for 0-4. I do not see a 3-Peat in your future.
12. The Smokin' Jays (0-3) (Last week: 11): The RBs were never really a question (or the QBs for that matter), but this team is about as barren as it gets at WR. The 5 WRs on the roster put up a combined 26 points. As I previously indicated, Rashad Jennings is a steal, but when your defense has a normal week, the team doesn't look all that great. Getting Jamaal Charles back is obviously going to be a huge boost, but he's been disappointing thus far. Losing Kyle Rudolph for 6 weeks is going to sting too. Sitting in an 0-3 hole, this team is on very shaky ground.
11. Team Toliver (0-3) (Last week: 9): The Danny Woodhead injury is going to hurt. That coupled with Vernon Davis' injury and things are starting to come a bit unraveled. I was always concerned about your lack of depth, and injuries tend to expose that. The good news is that Stevie appears to be alive. Kaepernick appears to have an eye for 3 receivers, and as long as Davis is out, one of them should be Stevie. But man do you need a running back desperately at this point. Still too early to be completely out of it.
10. Geno 911 (1-2) (Last week: 12): Didn't do anything to help the cause, but The Smokin Jays are proving to be a worse team. Somehow it seems like your team is almost immune to bye weeks. Doug Martin will be back to help you out (I think?), but Steve Smith looks like the real deal in Baltimore. Amazing old man Smith at age 35 is still so productive. Andre Johnson should be better, and Jimmy Graham is still a stud. I think at this point you're clearly above the bottom 3, but I don't think you're in the conversation with the top teams yet.
9. Pork Chop Express (2-1 ) (Last week: 11): Slowly but surely climbing the rankings ladder. Andrew Luck is the #1 QB, which is the prayer your team needed. Seriously. He had to put up 35 to give your team a shot to break 100. Rostering Donald Brown could prove to pay dividends, as San Diego has nobody else left. If you get something more out of the role players, you'll be in this thing. And as I previously indicated, I no longer think you're in danger of wearing a costume to the draft. Decker came in, caught the one pass you needed, and promptly got re-injured. Well done.
8. A Lot O' Tatz (2-1) (Last week: 7): This is your team. As indicated, Julius is not going to score 35 every week. Obviously you're not going to get -3 from a defense every week, but you're going to be solidly around the 100 point mark most weeks in my estimation. Not a ton of downside. Not a ton of upside. Still refusing to get a running back. Mike Wallace might be good if Tannehill could throw the ball to him, but he can't. I think you're squarely stuck in the middle right now.
7. DA BEARDS (3-0) (Last week: 8): I really don't know where you expect me to move you. You've scored 118, 112, and now 103. 7th highest score in week 1, 5th highest in week 2, 6th highest in week 3. This seems about right. Kelvin Benjamin is on pace for 85 catches, 1300 yards, and 11 TDs. That would arguably be the greatest rookie receiving season in NFL history. Don't bank on that pace continuing, but he should be solid all season. I think your team is good/OK, but who's going to put up the points to get you into the 130s and 140s? I don't know.
6. Dueling Pylons (2-1) (Last week: 6): Despite the solid win, there's really nowhere for the Pylons to go yet until showing some more consistency. Starting 2 rookies and 2 2nd year players is going to take some time to show up more consistently. The good news is that Reggie Bush and Michael Floyd appear to be back on track. If Montee Ball proves to be the player many expect him to be, this team could be dangerous. If not, the middle of the season could be long and too much to overcome. Weeks 1 and 3 certainly show this team's potential. Wouldn't count on anything from the #1 overall pick though.
5. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-1) (Last week: 1): Big drop for TPG. But don't feel bad. Things are very close at the top. I think I may have been a bit blinded by Delanie Walker's 30 point effort last week. Starting 2 Bills came back to haunt you it appears. At all costs, don't use Dwayne Bowe. It's almost better to just cut him so you're not tempted. Nothing you could have done to beat Mike Y this week. Thankfully you get a weak TITTY next week to get things back on track. Bench could use some work.
4. Stanky Monkeys (2-1) (Last week: 3): Yet another team that really didn't do anything wrong to deserve a drop. It's more about what other teams did. Even with so-so games from Jordy, VJax, and Witten put up a ton of points. And left Fred Jackson's 24 points on the bench. Certainly looking very strong right now and the schedule ahead doesn't look all that bad. After 3 straight seasons missing the playoffs, I think the Stanky Monkeys are finally back. Although I must admit, receiving angry texts from you complaining about your ranking is far more entertaining to me.
3. Big Brother's Bitch (2-1) (Last week: 5): When Brees, Julio and Garcon put up 89 points between the 3 of them, you're going to win just about every game. Amazing that Garcon went from 2 points last week to 30 this week. I still question whether you can rely on the role players, but you have a stronger bench than most. I think you should be able to mix and match depending on matchups, which is a luxury plenty of other teams don't have.
2. The King's Crusaders (1-2) (Last week: 4): Finally on the board. Even with McCoy only putting up 2 points, still dominated. I have you a little bit higher because I believe your team is trending in the right direction. I just don't understand why you have no QB. I think that's the thing holding you back from being the favorite. But you're in it. And you'll be in it all season. It's just a matter of will you take the next step. McCoy, Brown, Harvin, Bell and Maclin looks awfully good right now if McCoy starts tipping better.
1. Team Bartholomew (3-0) (Last week: 2): You and Dosh are the only undefeated teams remaining, and I think your team is the best in the league right now. I give you the edge over Woody because of your QB situation. Had an average or worse week across the board and still almost cracked 110. Even the bench is very solid. If there's anything to improve, it's a little more consistency from the bottom of your starters, but perhaps Jeremy Hill or Cecil Shorts end up being that guy. Kendall Wright is good, but Jake Locker is not.
Week 4 Matchups
It's hard to believe it's Week 4 already. Some teams are facing must win games this week if they want to have a shot at the playoffs. It's probably going to take 7-6 or 8-5 to get in, so if you pick up loss #4 this week, you're really up against it.
#1 Team Bartholomew (3-0) v. #10 Geno 911 (1-2)
#2 The King's Crusaders (1-2) v. #11 Team Toliver (0-3)
#3 Big Brother's Bitch (2-1) v. #7 DA BEARDS (3-0)
#4 Stanky Monkeys (2-1) v. #12 The Smokin' Jays (0-3)
#5 Tequila Party Gnomes (2-1) v. #13 Tweeting in the Trenches (1-2)
#6 Dueling Pylons (2-1) v. #14 Bo$$town Cutter (0-3)
#8 A Lot O'Tatz (2-1) v. #9 Pork Chop Express (2-1)
So we only have 2 remaining unbeatens, we still have 3 winless teams, we have 3 teams at 1-2 and we have 6 teams at 2-1. This is going to be a very interesting week. According to the power rankings, just about every single matchup is a team in the top half against a team in the bottom half. There could be some serious separation, or things could get a lot tighter.
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