This is the third time I've written to you celebrating my first win of the season. If I find out that it was actually Adam Tatz on the field wearing Dez's jersey and looking dark and nimble, I'll be pretty pissed. Also props to the Atlanta Falcons for playing Ludacris' "Move Bitch" after every first down.
It's truly a great feeling to be writing a blog following a convincing win and an Eagles dismantling of the Giants. Eli is being exposed for the fraud he truly is and always has been. I'm about to go in on a legitimate rant.
Let's just get it out of the way. Elisha has won 2 Super Bowls. We know this. But let's take a look at some real facts.
- Eli has only won 55% of his games. Slightly above average.
- Eli has appeared in the top 10 in interceptions in the NFL in 7 separate seasons.
- Eli has appeared in the top 10 in passer rating in the NFL in 1 season.
- Eli has won a playoff game in exactly two seasons.
- Despite the "terrible offensive line" of the Giants, Eli has been one of the 10 most sacked QBs just once prior to this season.
- Eli does not wear pink to support breast cancer.
- Eli has fumbled 75 times and been intercepted another 156 for a total of 231 potential turnovers. He's thrown 219 touchdowns.
Rachael asked me as I pointed and laughed at Giants fans this weekend: "If he's so bad, why don't they try somebody else?" A logical question. Why indeed? What does Golden Boy have to do wrong to get his ass benched? He's almost playing at Gabbert level. Could it be that the Giants finally have no defense and Manning is being exposed? He's had amazing receivers his entire career and amazing luck. Strip that away, and you're left with Manning Face.
An analogy: Eli is like a cheap stripper. Yea she looks good for a little bit, and if you give her $80 million you'll get your rocks off. But at the end of the night she takes her makeup off and you sober up and you don't wanna be around for that trainwreck. Always remember: you don't turn a ho into a housewife.
Speaking of strippers, there's a protest in New York about Eli. Apparently Johnny Hiyadoin gets stingy when the Giants suck and don't tip well. This is the best story I've read in awhile: http://bustedcoverage.com/2013/10/07/nyc-strip-club-we-will-no-longer-show-giants-games-on-our-televisions/
In fact, Rick's is right around the corner from my office. Considering they'll no longer be showing Giants games, I might have to check it out.
Beef of the Week:
HE'S NOT EVEN AT THE BEEF YET?!?!? Who doesn't love a good rant? A 3 time beef recipient, this week's award goes to Eric Brooking, for being a complete clown.
EEB contacted me following a Tatz-Elliott trade involving Julio Jones and demanded I admit it was unfair. I would not. He put up a huge stink about how "You can't trade Julio" and it wouldn't stand up through a league vote. I asked what's fair for Julio. "Julio doesn't and shouldn't be traded. Just wait til Dosh sees it. You'll never hear the end of it." Also, "Rebecca would not have allowed this. So it's on you mister. I said kick his ass out and let her in." A direct shot at Elliott.
Guess what? Nary a word from a single league member in protest. After some more back and forth, I allowed Mr. Brooking the privilege of writing the Beef of the Week to have a vice to air his grievances. The rest of the week went down like this:
1. EEB starts Eli Manning
2. EEB gets clowned by 0-4 Tatz with Julio playing no part in the victory
3. EEB refuses to write Beef of the Week
Serves you right. You are the beef.
League 1
Finally the league's bottom feeders got something to eat. Things look a lot closer after Week 5 than they did before. Can't believe Gambino is 4-1. Gross.
1. Team Toliver (5-0) - Last week: 1
Yashar certainly does not mind some late game drama. Got it done again with the Falcons in primetime. This team keeps on chugging along with no end in sight. When you don't have any down weeks and explode in others, you're gonna be in good shape. Now a full 3 games ahead of the teams outside of the playoffs, so barring an absolute meltdown, Yashar will be in the thick of it til the end. Say what you will about the man's fantasy football knowledge, but he now owns a 14-5 career EFFL record. Very impressive.
2. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-2) - Last week: 2
TITTY is much closer to the teams below him than the team above him. True, you were shorthanded, but turning down trades because "I'm trying to win a championship, not get into the playoffs" did you in. Hubris. Remember that word. Goes hand in hand with Eli slobbery. I think this is a playoff team, but I don't think this is a championship contender yet. Keep sticking with what you got, tho. It's worked out well so far. Also told me to carry him the trophy in a backpack because it's my "commissioner duty". I'll refer you to the post-draft blog where you left me with the trophy and your trash. Pound sand.
3. Dueling Pylons (1-3-1) - Last week: 8
Am I high? Not at the moment. The ultimate boom or bust team, the Pylons, like the two teams above them, are the only ones in the league to break 150 twice this season. Both of those this team reached 160. Things could finally be aligning for the Pylons. Brady has his boys back and gets to play in dry weather. Peterson is back in his favorite Pylons uniform. And this team could have the best receiving corps in the league between Dez, DeSean, Blackmon, Hilton, and a progressing Roddy White. Throw in plus athlete Julius Thomas, and you have a team nobody wants to see on their schedule.
4. The King's Crusaders (3-2) - Last week: 4
Struggled through the bye week and still came through with a win. This team hasn't scored more than 121 since Week 1, but you wouldn't know it by the record. This team is going to explode on somebody soon. Still refusing to bench Tavon Austin, but hey, it's always fun to mock your opponent. Even better was that Fusco was against Manning and Cruz and the Giants lost. A seemingly impossible task, but much appreciated.
5. RGIII for President (2-3) - Last week: 3
While I don't think this team is that great, it's a little better than the others. Aaron Rodgers is going to get it going sooner than later. Solid running backs and a budding star in Torrey Smith certainly help. Was unhappy with the drafted team, but I think it's done pretty well. Clearly has not read my Bills rant and went down with Stevie on a Thursday in Cleveland. Better days lie ahead.
6. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-3-1) - Last week: 9
Just like the Pylons, TPG has a nice little 2 game undefeated streak going. The #2 RB slot is giving TPG fits, as both Trent Richardson and McFadden just aren't getting the job done. But could have made a huge pickup in adding Alshon Jeffery. Brandon Marshall recently said "he could be the best to ever play". Not sure where he was referring to, but that must be encouraging. Scrap the 2 RB system. Go 4 wide. You'll feel much better. Arrow pointing up for TPG. Here's the best TD celebration of Week 5:
7. Threeing the Hogs (2-3) - Last week: 6
Put up a decent fight against the winless Pylons, but ultimately fell short. I don't think this team is a championship contender. Too much inconsistency. But there are good players, and this team will definitely win games. The following conversation occurred Sunday morning:
Me: You're getting the whole Raiders roster
Mike: Not sure what you're talking about
Me: I'm using 2 Raiders
Mike: Ah. I thought you were saying my team was changing. Freaked me out since my wife's account was reset. Thought I was hacked.
Me: No need to hack your roster
No respect shown between the Pylons and Hogs. It's a shame these teams don't meet again this year.
8. Tavon in 60 Seconds (4-1) - Last week: 5
What is this roster? It's really sad that this team was able to win another game. Used Fred Jackson, Scott Chandler and Nate Washington. And it's not even like you had better options on the bench. Vick is injured, but I'm sure I'll have to hear about how great Tony Romo is. The troubles of being the commissioner. I really can't imagine this team doing anything of significance, but I guess getting wins now can't hurt. I wouldn't feel confident if this were my roster.
9. Lady Luck (3-2) - Last week: 7
WHAT IS THIS ROSTER? I warned you about using too many white people, but my concerns fell on deaf ears. I think Lady Luck may be a 110-120 point team on a weekly basis, but that's not gonna win you anything. It's a shame you got Brandon Marshall because I hate every single other player on your roster. I think Danny Amendola just got injured watching Monday Night Football.
10. Stanky Monkeys (0-5) - Last week: 10
I'm sorry Lou. Finally strung a good week together, and it still wasn't enough against a dominant Team Toliver. Calvin Johnson was inactive, and Andre Roberts replaced him with a big goose egg. I wasn't aware Marlon Brown was in your lineup or else I would've let you know about that one too. Since the start of 2011, this team is just 9-22 in EFFL play. Thankfully got EEB in the relegation battle last season. It could be getting close to time to check out your week 14 and 15 matchups and keepers to prepare for another final stand.
League 2
There is definitely some separation in League 2 that doesn't exist in League 1. I'm thoroughly impressed with Cutter's team management. He's got the best team across both leagues and has promotion in his sights.
1. Bo$$town Beasts (4-1) - Last week: 1
Came up short despite putting up 149 last eek, but that wasn't about to happen again. Cutty was back with 160 more points in a slam dunk victory. Again, the only slight complaint is no big RB, but if Spiller, MJD or Woodhead become reliable options, there's nothing stopping this team. Peyton and Jimmy Graham is just unfair. Imagine if you had taken Dez over Spiller in Round 2. Lights out.
2. Darkest Norseman (3-2) - Last week: 2
Not quite on Cutty's heels, but clearly ahead of the rest of the pack. Can't believe you used David Wilson. I would've rather started Peterson on a bye. Now that we both have Purple Jesus, we need to get together for football Sundays ASAP. Knowing you, I'm sure you stayed up til 2:30 AM watching Rivers and Denarius Moore take down Ben in another heartbreaker. Huge win. Things looking up.
3. Dick Bag (2-3) - Last week: 7
I can't figure this team out. I want to like it. Dropped from 2 to 7 last week and now back up to 3. Wisely got in on a pair of shorts and it paid off. If the Colts decide that their best receiver should get the ball, you'll be in good shape. I've been surprised with the consistency here. 4 weeks of 125+ is no easy feat. Just don't expect 37 points every week from your kicker and defense. That's extremely frustrating to play against.
4. Street Pigeons (2-3) - Last week: 5
There's a lot of talent on this roster, but failed to deliver yet again. Having all of your running backs injured never helps, but I maintain you're always better off drafting for yourself. Especially when the guy drafting for you is conceding his season Week 4 after an admission of too much pregaming. A little trading never hurt anyone. Sneak into the playoffs and see what happens.
5. EEB Ventura (3-2) - Last week: 3
Did everything wrong this week. Started Eli. Started with the commissioner. Started the same team as Woody. A loss and drop in the rankings was inevitable. Clearly being up at night with an infant child has created way too much time to think about lineup decisions. This team has a lot of potential, but Jerry Jones is holding them back. You need to get a Showtime Rotisserie. Set it and forget it.
6. Jersey Leshoure (2-3) - Last week: 6
Rough week for Leshoure. Took a loss in the EFFL and will never bet on Northwestern again. It's a terrible place, and the cab drivers blow tree and don't even know where the stadium is. This team is the Chris Fusco of League 2. Classic overvaluing of the team. I'm being harsh. This team has serious potential to move up in the rankings very quickly and can finally ditch all the rookies. In good shape despite the loss.
7. Team Meat Collage (1-4) - Last week: 8
AYYYYYY, a Tatzbite! Congrats on your first win. Showed EEB how to manage a team by benching Brady in torrential rain and using Romo. Thank your boys from the TPG and Pylons for that tip. I'm always willing to help out anyone playing EEB. If this team could get any contribution at all from the secondary players, things would be fine. Jamaal Charles, Julio and Demaryius will suit you well as long as none gets hurt. Looking good.
8. Super Mario Brothers (3-2) - Last week: 4
I think Tatz got the better end of the trade, but that's OK. Your new guys did well. It's the rest of the roster that's the problem. Which guys can you trust? I foresee lineup decisions being a problem for this team as a lot of guys are at the same level. You'd hope to have a stud to turn to every week. Someone like Julio. I think this team is gonna gravitate towards the bottom of the standings, but we'll see.
I think this was the longest blog I've written in awhile. Took me a good two hours to write, so I hope you enjoyed it. Things are certainly getting a lot closer than they were. I'll be back in the bar this Sunday taking notes and finally screaming PETERSON again at the top of my lungs. It's been too long.
Good luck to everyone in Week 6. It's hard to believe we're getting to be almost halfway through the regular season.
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