Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Three Weeks of Pure Bliss



It's time to eat! Celebration of the year right here:




And the hero we don't deserve:


Nobody knew what to expect in Week 3. Would it be a disaster with Luke Falk? (Yes) Would Josh Rosen be murdered on the field? (Yes). But it wasn't so bad! Gardner Minshew is so hot right now. Talked about how he smashed his own hand with a hammer to try to get a medical redshirt.

Kyle Allen torched the lowly Cardinals and their #1 overall pick and handsome coach. Mason Rudolph was a disaster. Dwayne Haskins time is coming.

But... Danny Dimes. Whoever came up with that nickname is genius. Way better than "Scary" Terry McLaurin. Side note... you can't just give the nickname "Scary Terry" to every player named Terry. That's not how it works. That one better not stick.

Danny Dimes bent over Bruce Arians and the Buccaneers and gave Chris Fusco the best climax he's ever experienced. I could hear the screams of pleasure from Forest View Drive in the next state. And I'm laughing and happy for the time being. Giants fans think they've got the next Patrick Mahomes. If only he had someone to throw the ball to. Maybe an Odell Beckham. I don't know. I look forward to fading the Giants due to the extreme, full bloom love about to take place.

Sure, Bruce Arians took a penalty on purpose to give his field goal kicker a longer field goal, which I've never heard of before in my entire life. But this was all Giants, baby. Bills home opener was Sunday. Bills are 3-0, welcoming the 3-0 Patriots to town next Sunday. Someone will die. Probably not this guy. He's already dead:



 And how bout this power bomb:
Unbelievably electric stuff. The Eagles suck almost as much as the Dolphins, so that's fun. I highly doubt this year will be the year we see the highly anticipated Super Bowl rematch between these franchises when Dan Marino miraculously returned at halftime after going missing.

And of course, congratulations to Adam and Rebecca Cutter for becoming first time parents. Right after the birth, I'm told Adam immediately went to check the inactives, while Rebecca prepared for Sunday Funday from the hospital. Congrats from the EFFL!! (the words you were looking for most, I know).


Beef of the Week: NFL Schedule Makers

Seriously... who has this job and why do they suck SO bad? Here are the Monday night games:

Broncos @ Raiders
Browns @ Jets
Bears @ Redskins
Bengals @ Steelers
Browns @ 49ers
Lions @ Packers
Patriots @ Jets
Dolphins @ Steelers
Cowboys @ Giants

Sorry guys, but you're never getting another blog on Tuesday morning. This is so, so bad. I fell asleep at like 9 PM last night. Blogless. How can I possibly suffer through these games long enough to see the results and then type a blog. I'm not that young anymore! If you want to help the commish, just don't start any players on these teams. I'd appreciate it.


Also, I realized I never shared the updated payouts since we moved to $150. Here's what we've got

1st: $1100
2nd: $500
3rd-4th: $150 each
High Season Points: $150
2nd High Season Points: $50
Total: $2100

The EFFL champion will take home more money than ever.


Power Rankings:

14. Street Pigeons (0-3) - Last week: 11
Sadly has lost the plot. Fallen arse over tit. Taking the piss. AB quitting football is not good for the brand. Pidge is in trouble. No wins. Now the byes are hitting. It could be a struggle. Need to right this ship quickly.

13. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-2) - Last week: 8
Blew your load all over Meech. Followed it up with two stinkers. Now Saquon goes down. It's still very early, but man that's a lot to recover from. Maybe Melvin Gordon will show up to work one of these days. Only one game out of the playoff cut line.

12. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (2-1) - Last week: 14
Hey, you're 2-1! The trade winds were a blowin' Thursday night. Ultimately agreed to Lindsay/Hollywood for Godwin/Mostert after turning down the exact same offer but also throwing in a case of beer from your end. I admire your bargaining. I still want that beer, though.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (0-3) - Last week: 9
Having a baby on a football Sunday is no excuse. Lowest scoring team through 3 weeks, and I'm surprised. Expected more. Devonta Freeman and Mike Williams have not been reliable at all.

10. BAD NEWS BOSH (2-1) - Last week: 7
4th to last in points scored. I'm sure you'll drop 150 on me. Having to sit James Conner and Aaron Rodgers can't be a good feeling, but I respect the bold moves. Let's see if your team responds.

9. Stanky Monkeys (1-2) - Last week: 13
Should never have changed the team name! A 160 point outburst was huge, and I'm glad to see this team getting back on track. I think this team's arrow is heading up. Montgomery getting more carries. Will Dissly looks like he's legit out of nowhere. Definitely on the rise.

8. Geno 911 (1-2) - Last week: 12
I know you'll take an easy win. Never ideal to miss the draft and then the 2 weeks preceding the season, but you're hanging in there. That's all I've got.

7. The King's Crusaders (1-2) - Last week: 10
Lacking that killer instinct this year. Would like to see some more consistency, but that could be a problem. Chris Carson is a fumbling machine and other players have a tendency to disappear. Middle of the pack for now.

6. Pork Chop Express (1-1-1) - Last week: 4
I'm sure you'll win this week. Every time I move you down, you win. Diggs is a bust. OH MY GOD you're using Royce Freeman. Please no hahaha. And Demetrius Harris. How can you look yourself in the mirror?

5. Philly Peppers (2-1) - Last week: 3
Took your first L. Mike Y is on a mission. I'm concerned your roster is thinning out. Throughout the bye weeks, it may be a bit of a struggle. But finding Waller was nice (even if it was because of stupid Matthew Berry).

4. Team BG (1-2) - Last week: 1
I've done enough damage. I'll back off. Still nothing to be concerned about at this point. 4th in points. I like this team to pick things up. Baker has been bad. Feels like Tyler Boyd and Ridley have done nothing. Better days are ahead.

3. The Old Ball Sack (3-0) - Last week: 6
Last week in the blog I said "this isn't a real team". Well Mike Y dropped 183 on the King in responses and here we are. Everything clicked for one week. The week before you put up 98. I don't know how to properly handle that kind of standard deviation. So #3 it is, for now.

 2. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-0) - Last week: 5
3-0! Holy shit! I did not see this one coming. Austin Ekeler and Evan Engram are manhandling the opposition. I guess this team is good?!?! 129, 133, 132 is the kind of consistency that gets you going places in the power rankings. Well done.

1. Dueling Pylons (2-0-1) - Last week: 2
I know I shouldn't do this. I really, really shouldn't do this. The last time the Pylons hit #1 in the Power Rankings was Week 7 of 2016. But I think this ranking is fair at this point. This is a star-studded roster that's putting up points.


Week 4 Matchups

 BAD NEWS BOSH v Dueling Pylons
Tweeting in the Trenches v Pork Chop Express
Street Pigeons v The King's Crusaders
Philly Peppers v Ouch! My Hamstringy!
The Old Ball Sack v Team BG
Bo$$town Cutter v Stanky Monkeys

EFFL Game of the Week

 Tequila Party Gnomes v Geno 911 - This game is a turning point. One team will see their season slipping while the other gets back to .500 and can seriously consider making a playoff push. Lots at stake in the original pepper rivalry match. The last two champs face off here.
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