Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Week 3 Banger




No headline picture this week. Just a guy running full speed into a fucking wall! What an idiot! Ohhhh I'm hang gliding, honey take a good picture!! OH I'M DEAD!!

We need to analyze this video here. I showed this to TPG. I was told that the wall was really close. That wall is at least 5-10 yards past the back of the end zone. You should not be running anywhere near full speed at that point. Slow down! Went headfirst right into the wall and donated his brain to the DeSean Jackson Foundation.

This was also a Touchdown:


I was a very sad boy (despite currently drinking a 32 oz beer to blog) to see FitzMagic fade. You gotta believe in magic!



Also, I do have a personal request from TPG. I need to find a way to post the audio here:

Leonardo Fournetti Week 3 Injury Report

"Hey everybody, ITSA ME, Leonardo Fournetti. Sorry to tell you, but my hamstring is still feeling like a little bit of fettuccine, so will not be able to play today against a Tennessee. Best wishes. Ciao Bella."

Anyway, here's a great video from Barry McCockiner


And another featuring Jordan Reed



I have to be honest. I'm excited about all of these new QBs. We've got the Bake Show:


We've got Josh Allen doing things. He's tall.


We've got Chosen Rosen 🔯🔯, the usurper of Sammy Sleeves


Maybe not Rosen yet lol. And then there's sad Lamar Jackson.


Beef of the Week: Roughing the passer flags

I know, I know. This isn't exactly fresh, high quality beef. But I want to now look at this from a different angle. The league indicated they were doing this. They had to protect the Quarterback. Now, because Clay Matthews is flagged twice in two weeks,  JJ Watt is up in arms and the "competition committee is going to meet". A guy on the Dolphins blew out his knee trying to avoid a roughing the passer flag.

COME ON!! You made the rule. Stick to the fucking rule. You can't revert and change and make adjustments in the middle of the season. You can't!! How can you turn around to the Packers and say "you know that flag we called on you Week 2? Not a penalty two weeks later." Can't do it, folks. Very unfair. Unless you are willing to adjust the standings and award the Packers a win and give the Vikings a loss for that game, you can't do it. In the offseason, you can wipe the stupidity. But you made this bed, NFL. You have to sleep in it.

Should be great for players and coaches bitching the entire season.


EFFL Power Rankings

Fucking Dosh!!! This man was drunk as shit and is clowning the entire league. The Pylons will put an end to that quickly. There's no logic to this season. If you have players on the Chiefs, Steelers, Saints, Falcons, or Bucs, you win. If you don't, you don't.

I thought about declaring this season null and void, but...

14. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-3) - Last week: 12 - Winless. The lowest scoring team in the league. You made a huge mistake... You used my list. I clearly have no clue what I'm doing, and to rely on a DUPY custom cheat sheet? You earned this spot.

13. Stanky Monkeys (1-2) - Last week: 14 - WHAT IS THIS?!?!? What is "The Monkeys"? This is not allowed. An original EFFL franchise with a half-hearted name change in Season 14 does not fly. Nice job taking down Phil. Team is starting to come into form. If you can get to 2-2, I think you'll rise quickly.

12. Geno 911 (0-3) - Last week: 11 - Got a bit of a raw deal with points. You're right around the middle of the pack, but just can't seem to get a win. You've got a lot of players on really bad teams, which hurts. You should find a way to get Eifert from King and change your team name to "It Ertz when Eifert".

11. Bo$$town Cutter (1-2) - Last week: 14 - Who would've thought Jordy Nelson and Geronimo Allison were the keys to success? I can't imagine that ever happening again, but I've been wrong before. I'm kinda surprised Kenyan Drake is so bad.

10. ITSA ME!! LEONARDO FOURNETTI!! (2-1) - Last week: 7 - Second to last in points scored despite being 2-1. Juju is probably your best player. Your team is offensive without Leonardo. He's your catalyst.  We'll see a him soon.

9. Dueling Pylons (1-2) - Last week: 9 - Was an easy target, and no match, for BG. This team is in a weird spot and constantly leaves tons of points on the bench. Caught the EEB syndrome. This team has exactly what I always hate... inconsistency. Will go off when week and be flat the next.

8. The King's Crusaders (1-2) - Last week: 10 - The Lions are not a good team. I think your team has potential, but I can see the problems putting it together week to week. Kareem Hunt has to be considered a disappointment at this point.

7. The Old Ball Sack (2-1) - Last week: 8 - Deshaun Watson showed up. Your team did pretty well, I feel, and you still didn't crack 120. That's a problem. I think once you start playing some of the top teams you may slip up. Win your home games and pick up a couple points on the road, and you should be able to get in.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-2) - Last week: 6 - Not ready to move you up yet, but it's gotta feel good to get a win. Going to 0-3 is dangerous territory. Brees and Kamara have been outrageous thus far. It does appear Amari Cooper is a scrub. Looking forward to you playing Gambino.

5. Pork Chop Express (2-1) - Last week: 3 - Protested losing with the 7th highest score last week by faking a terrible lineup. No word if the same will happen this week following a win with the 3rd lowest point total. Saved by Ryan Tannehill. Good news is this is probably about as bad as I can see your team faring. Gotta wonder if teams have Gronk's number.

4. Team Bartholomew (2-1) - Last week: 4 - Caught an L from D-WEEZE. Mike Evans has been huge, and I don't see him slowing down. You should stay near the top but Bilal Powell gives me the shivers.

3. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (2-1) - Last week: 1 - Didn't anticipate moving you from the top spot, but you did start Will Dissly and Randall Cobb. That's not #1 material. Really surprised you left Gio Bernard on the bench.

2. Cash Me Out Wide (3-0) - Last week: 5 - Can't do it. Won't do it.

1. Team BG (3-0) - Last week: 2 - "The team I thought was good is 0-3, and the team I thought was bad is 3-0." Funny how that works. Two of your players, Adam Thielen and Michael Thomas, are on pace to break the NFL single season reception record. Clearly I erred in letting Thielen walk. Calvin Ridley ripped me wide open. That was harsh.


Week 4 Matchups

TPG v Geno 911 - Battle of the Habañero
Team BG v The Old Ball Sack
Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets v Itsa Me! Leonardo Fournetti
Stanky Monkeys v Bo$$town Cutter - Huge Matchup here
Dueling Pylons v Cash Me Out Wide - Can't wait for the texts
Pork Chop Express v Tweeting in the Trenches
Team Bartholomew v The King's Crusaders


Will see you all on the blog next week!
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