Monday, September 17, 2018

The 2nd Week


Man that was a wild Week 2! A guy retired at halftime! Of course he played for the Bills. Walked in at half, down 28-6, and just said fuck this. No more football for me, for life. That's ballsy. It's so unfortunate because it was the season debut for #BillsMafia. Controversy swirled around this game, as it was reported that table smashers would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. So, this happened:




It's Josh Allen shirsey season, baby. Goes perfect with flip flops and jorts. Mike Y knows what I'm talkin about. 


No rules if you don't break the table, I guess. It's only Week 1. Once it gets cold, people will drink more to stay warm. It'll be wonderful.

Anyway, the story of the week is the Bucs. In particular, star quarterback Ryan FitzMAGIC. If you have not yet seen this, you must.


I don't even care that the Eagles lost. DeSean is shirtless. I'm about to throw $400 down on Fitzpatrick against Mayweather just cause he's dripping with swag. Look at what being on the Jets does to you.



Next year at the draft, I need Tatz and BG rubbing beards.

Cam Newton dressed like a grandma in a nightgown this week and therefore will not be featured in this space. Post-game outfits are the new Coach Janky Spanky. You better come out dressed to impress. And I'm absolutely impressed.

Cam Newton was also decapitated:


Fitzpatrick has been incredible. Over 400 yards two weeks in a row. 4 TDs two weeks in a row. First time in NFL history that's happened in the first two weeks of a season.

Speaking of firsts, I just have to share this:


Ignore the Eric Ebron talk. He's on our terrible dynasty team. It was quite the day for Ben. Not only did he almost lose everything he owns betting against Laquon Treadwell, he also had Vikings -1.5. 

This happened in the 2nd quarter:

4-5-GB 30
(1:42) 7-D.Carlson 48 yard field goal is No Good, Wide Right, Center-47-K.McDermott, Holder-6-M.Wile.

This happened in Overtime:

4-9-GB 31
(7:36) 7-D.Carlson 49 yard field goal is No Good, Wide Right, Center-47-K.McDermott, Holder-6-M.Wile.

Then this happened in Overtime:

1-10-GB 17
(:04) 7-D.Carlson 35 yard field goal is No Good, Wide Right, Center-47-K.McDermott, Holder-6-M.Wile.

The laces were in! THEY WERE IN!!!! Of course we started said Vikings special teams in that dynasty league. 3 missed kicks and a punt blocked and returned for a touchdown. They finished with -9 points on the day. I've never seen a worse performance in my 30 years playing fantasy football.


The kicker was promptly cut on Monday. This exchange occurred:

Reporter: What was the thinking on letting Daniel Carlson go?
Mike Zimmer: Did you see the game?
Reporter: Was it easy?
Zimmer: It was pretty easy.

Lobitz also had this hot take: "Texans -3 is either the easiest bet in the history of the world or the biggest sucker bet ever". The Texans lost.

Catch of the year. Make sure volume is up for Nantz. Make sure volume is down for Romo.



Beef of the Week: New Penalties

This is going to be quite a rant. I get it. The whole goal is to make the game safer. But the league has gone about it the wrong way. You cannot play defense. Illegal contact, pass interference, lowering the head to initiate contact, putting your body weight on a QB. There are so many things you can't do. But this is a facade. The league wants points. How do you get more points? Keep dries alive. How do you keep drives alive? Call more defensive penalties.

Teams know this. They're not stupid. The NFL has essentially become an online game of Madden. You could run the ball, but you know that it's just way more efficient to throw the ball on every play. RIP: Running the football (1920-2018). Lived almost 100 years. Ben Roethlisberger threw the ball 60 times on Sunday. Juju and Antonio Brown combined for 36 targets. In one game. 2 players.

Not a single team has run the ball more on first down than they've thrown it. Not one. 21 of the 32 teams are over 65% passing on first down. There's no reason to run the football whatsoever. QB ratings and points are through the roof. I handicapped the season at 56% pass. I was way low. We're over 60%. 

The driving the QB into the ground is the one that really grinds my gears. People get hurt in football. It's a violent, collision sport. But I think it's so hypocritical that this only applies to QBs. You can plant any other guy, but the QB is special. It's bad for the league when QBs are injured, and you can expect 400 yard passing games over and over this season. You're going to have all kinds of NFL records set. Get ready.


Power Rankings

14. Bo$$town Cutter (0-2) - Last week: 14 - Things have not gone well. You have a ton of players on very bad teams, which doesn't help. Need to find something to jumpstart this squad quick.

13. Stanky Monkeys (0-2) - Last week: 13 - Freeman injury came out of nowhere, and that's another problem. This team is reeling. Even the kicker got hurt. Wentz is back. Edelman is almost back. This team needs a win or two to bridge the gap until healthy.

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-2) - Last week: 11 - Dalvin Cook doesn't look fully healthy yet. The Giants suck. I'm a bit encouraged by week 2, but still concerned. I feel better about your team than the two below you.

11. Geno 911 (0-2)  - Last week: 8 - Predictable slide despite putting up 139. That might be your highest point total ever. I actually think your team is OK, but I'm not fully sold yet. You should watch Dead Poets Society weekly for inspiration.

10. The King's Crusaders (1-1) - Last week: 12 - Real nice week 2. The Lions are throwing the ball on 79% of plays. I can't see that continuing. I think you're due for regression. Maybe Josh Gordon is your lottery ticket.

9. Dueling Pylons (1-1) - Last week: 7 - Can't figure out who to start. Gurley is an absolute stud. Had this team drafted Bell, it could've been much worse. This team struggles because nobody gets more than 5 yards per catch.

8. The Old Ball Sack (1-1) - Last week: 4 - This team is honestly a disaster waiting to happen. Roster is filled with guys who will have one good week then disappear. I wouldn't be surprised to see this team drop. Deshaun Watson also is not fully healthy.

7. ITSA ME!! LEONARDO FOURNETTI (2-0) - Last week: 9 - How are you 2-0? Started Ryan Grant. I bet half the league couldn't name the team he's on. Your team will be better once Fournetti is back in the cut.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-2) - Last week: 4 - Hate to see it. Super Bowl hangover? TPG is struggling a bit right now, understandably. If Bell shows up, it's a different story, but you never know. Saints are killing it tho.

5. Cash Me Out Wide (2-0) - Last week: 10 - Stop beefing over your ranking. James Conner could be huge. Still can't help yourself with Funchess and Kelvin Benjamin. But Julio is the man.

4. Team Bartholomew (2-0) - Last week: 6 - Slowly climbing, and I almost had you higher. Don't hate me for questioning your depth! If your QB throws 60 times a game, that's a different story. Mike Evans could end up being a huge steal.

3. Pork Chop Express (1-1) - Last week: 2 - Right in the thick of things. I'm a bit concerned teams have figured out Gronk. The Jaguars have. Royce Freeman sucks. (Hooray!). Diggs and Hopkins are awesome.

2. Team BG (2-0) - Last week: 5 - Not to be outdone, Thielen and Michael Thomas are awesome. Mark Ingram is waiting in the wings. Calvin Ridley showing signs of life. I'm very encouraged. As always, RB is a concern, but usually it can be overcome.

1. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (2-0) - Last week: 1 - Dominating. I thought Woody's Hunt/Hill Chiefs combo was awesome last year but Mahomes/Hill may be even better. He likely can't keep the pace up, but it's been fun to watch. Add Zeke, Davante Adams, now Will Fuller if healthy, Scary team. Clearly the team to beat.


Good luck to everyone in Week 3. Avoiding major injuries (other than Mike Wallace breaking his leg), points, Manning face, the Notorious F-I-T-Z. Week 2 had it all.
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