OK. Whose decision was it to have the Bills start on the road? That is unacceptable and puts a real damper on the blog. Who do we have to make a fool of themselves in their absence? The Lions? Please.
Marcus Peters did this:
— NFL (@NFL) September 11, 2018
A celebration made famous by this guy:
In case you missed it, yes that is Marshawn Lynch. He's being made into a meme all over the internet. You v. the guy she told you not to worry about.
Cam Newton wore this:
He then proceeded to whoop Allen Hurns and the Cowboys ass. Isn't it great when the Cowboys are terrible? I used to hate Jason Garrett for being terrible, but now I really love him for being terrible. He and Jerruh are cut from the same cloth, so you know he's going nowhere. Hasn't won shit yet he'll keep his job. He's like Marvin Lewis. Year after year with zero playoff wins. Going to be quite the dumpster fire this year.
Heads up to TPG for this stat: The Browns (who tied!) are off to their best start since 2004 at 0-0-1. It was hilarious. TUH-rod was terrible. Scott Hansen made a point of saying it exactly that way. But I like this stat even better:
Teams with a turnover differential of +5 or more are 132-4-1 all-time. The Browns own 2 of the 4 losses, and the tie. They're a joke. Look at this:
James Conner found out he was starting in the middle of his haircut #BeAdvised pic.twitter.com/Xv0yq2qEBp— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) September 9, 2018
Yes, that's Dosh's own James Conner going off. In unrelated news, Le'Veon Bell was cited for doing 110 in a 45 crossing the Pennsylvania/Ohio border. TPG cannot be feeling good about this.
Fucking Andrew Luck is BACK:
Andrew luck (crapped his pants like a dork) questonable for week one pic.twitter.com/DdAHB49l87— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) September 9, 2018
On to the BOTW:
Beef of the Week: The RPO
In the least surprising BOTW of all time, the RPO has been beaten to death in the first broadcast of the season. OK, we get it. The run-pass option is a great play where the quarterback fakes a handoff and throws it, or hands it off to the running back. He chooses! It's up to him!
It's fucking play action with a gimmick. RPO is being shoved down our fucking throats. I don't want this shit. I want Andy Reid's push passes. I want McVay's jet sweeps. I want the ANDY REID DIAMOND FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD. This is glorious: https://ftw.usatoday.com/2018/09/nfl-chiefs-offense-rpo-andy-reid-chargers-tyreek-hill
The NFL is a bunch of dusty old guys who love something that's been outdated for at least a full year. They have graphics showing the concept and how many times a team has run it. Everybody is doing it, man. Move on. Find a new slant.
But they won't. You'll hear about this shit all season. Your dad will try to sound cool "hey man, I love all those RPOs they've been running". It's dead. And it'll drive you, and I, crazy for way too long.
Power Rankings
In one of the weirdest anomalies ever, the top 7 scoring teams all won in Week 1. Amazing.
14. Bo$$town Cutter - I don't like your team. The Bills are pitiful and McCoy is over 30. Not a good combo. DJ is also on a terrible team.
13. Stanky Monkeys - My concerns proved true. I'm sure you'll smoke me this week. Odell is a beast. You'll need him. Good thing he's on the Giants.
12. The King's Crusaders - This team likely looks better on paper than it is. Stafford is horrific. AJ Green is a fumbling machine. Josh Gordon ain't got it. Kareem Hunt's too slow. Tyler Eifert can't stay healthy. Brandin Cooks is too small. Golden Tate III is the 3rd best Golden Tate. Kelvin Benjamin isn't in the league. Alfred Morris isn't in the league. IT'S THE WHOLE TEAM.
11. Tweeting in the Trenches - Holy testicle Tuesday. A whole 74 points. Your team is Giants and white guys. It's not a good combo. I don't have a good feeling about this. That said, Kenny Golladay could be nice.
10. Cash Me Out Wide - I'm not buying the big week, but this team could be better than we thought. Jets D, James Conner, and Adrian Peterson combining for 80 points is an absolute miracle. But you never know. You always do the best on the waiver wire.
9. ITSA ME!!! LEONARDO FOURNETTI - Of course Fournetti goes down Week 1. Of course. We can't have nice things. It's not that your team is bad per se. It's the injuries. I think you could struggle for a bit. Holding off Cutty was big.
8. Geno 911 - Nahhhhh. I don't want to actually admit I think this team has a shot to make the playoffs. Loaded up on secondary Saints receivers, and that could pay off. Kirk Cousins is an EFFL champion.
7. Dueling Pylons - 2nd and 3rd round picks down with knee injuries in Week 1. Hooray! This team also has to get to work on the wire, but there are some other pieces here.
6. Team Bartholomew - Mike Evans could end up being a steal. I'm encouraged, but am still concerned about the depth. Would benefit from finding a hidden gem.
5. Team BG - Losing Greg Olsen sucks. But you do have Mark Ingram waiting. Starting off even 2-2 isn't terrible. You've got a pretty good team. Excited to see if this is the year.
4. The Old Ball Sack - No matter how good Chris Godwin is, never forget that he shit himself in a game last year. Easily the most unlikable team in the league. I'll say it every week.
3. Tequila Party Gnomes - Mostly due to Le'Veon uncertainty. He's gotta come back. Otherwise this team is more pedestrian. Saints duo is killing it. Rest of the roster completely shit the bed. Could Frank Gore be back in the mix yet again?
2. Pork Chop Express - It's easy to forget how freaking good Gronk is. There's nobody on his level whatsoever. Of course Rivers explodes for 400+ yards and 3 TDs in a loss against me. Looking good, tho.
1. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets - Loaded up on Chiefs and Packers, and that seems to be a good idea. Mahomes to Hill may end up being an unbelievable combo. Plus your boys Zeke and Crabtree. I think you've been underestimated in the EFFL and think you'll be back near the top again.
That's it for Week 1. Hope you all enjoy the blog. I'll be out at a bar in NYC this Sunday so I should have many more drunk comments. Plus #BillsMafia is back. I can't wait for the videos.
It's fucking play action with a gimmick. RPO is being shoved down our fucking throats. I don't want this shit. I want Andy Reid's push passes. I want McVay's jet sweeps. I want the ANDY REID DIAMOND FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD. This is glorious: https://ftw.usatoday.com/2018/09/nfl-chiefs-offense-rpo-andy-reid-chargers-tyreek-hill
The NFL is a bunch of dusty old guys who love something that's been outdated for at least a full year. They have graphics showing the concept and how many times a team has run it. Everybody is doing it, man. Move on. Find a new slant.
But they won't. You'll hear about this shit all season. Your dad will try to sound cool "hey man, I love all those RPOs they've been running". It's dead. And it'll drive you, and I, crazy for way too long.
Power Rankings
In one of the weirdest anomalies ever, the top 7 scoring teams all won in Week 1. Amazing.
14. Bo$$town Cutter - I don't like your team. The Bills are pitiful and McCoy is over 30. Not a good combo. DJ is also on a terrible team.
13. Stanky Monkeys - My concerns proved true. I'm sure you'll smoke me this week. Odell is a beast. You'll need him. Good thing he's on the Giants.
12. The King's Crusaders - This team likely looks better on paper than it is. Stafford is horrific. AJ Green is a fumbling machine. Josh Gordon ain't got it. Kareem Hunt's too slow. Tyler Eifert can't stay healthy. Brandin Cooks is too small. Golden Tate III is the 3rd best Golden Tate. Kelvin Benjamin isn't in the league. Alfred Morris isn't in the league. IT'S THE WHOLE TEAM.
11. Tweeting in the Trenches - Holy testicle Tuesday. A whole 74 points. Your team is Giants and white guys. It's not a good combo. I don't have a good feeling about this. That said, Kenny Golladay could be nice.
10. Cash Me Out Wide - I'm not buying the big week, but this team could be better than we thought. Jets D, James Conner, and Adrian Peterson combining for 80 points is an absolute miracle. But you never know. You always do the best on the waiver wire.
9. ITSA ME!!! LEONARDO FOURNETTI - Of course Fournetti goes down Week 1. Of course. We can't have nice things. It's not that your team is bad per se. It's the injuries. I think you could struggle for a bit. Holding off Cutty was big.
8. Geno 911 - Nahhhhh. I don't want to actually admit I think this team has a shot to make the playoffs. Loaded up on secondary Saints receivers, and that could pay off. Kirk Cousins is an EFFL champion.
7. Dueling Pylons - 2nd and 3rd round picks down with knee injuries in Week 1. Hooray! This team also has to get to work on the wire, but there are some other pieces here.
6. Team Bartholomew - Mike Evans could end up being a steal. I'm encouraged, but am still concerned about the depth. Would benefit from finding a hidden gem.
5. Team BG - Losing Greg Olsen sucks. But you do have Mark Ingram waiting. Starting off even 2-2 isn't terrible. You've got a pretty good team. Excited to see if this is the year.
4. The Old Ball Sack - No matter how good Chris Godwin is, never forget that he shit himself in a game last year. Easily the most unlikable team in the league. I'll say it every week.
3. Tequila Party Gnomes - Mostly due to Le'Veon uncertainty. He's gotta come back. Otherwise this team is more pedestrian. Saints duo is killing it. Rest of the roster completely shit the bed. Could Frank Gore be back in the mix yet again?
2. Pork Chop Express - It's easy to forget how freaking good Gronk is. There's nobody on his level whatsoever. Of course Rivers explodes for 400+ yards and 3 TDs in a loss against me. Looking good, tho.
1. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets - Loaded up on Chiefs and Packers, and that seems to be a good idea. Mahomes to Hill may end up being an unbelievable combo. Plus your boys Zeke and Crabtree. I think you've been underestimated in the EFFL and think you'll be back near the top again.
That's it for Week 1. Hope you all enjoy the blog. I'll be out at a bar in NYC this Sunday so I should have many more drunk comments. Plus #BillsMafia is back. I can't wait for the videos.
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