"I Fucking HATE Fantasy Football". It took me all of 2 hours to curse 9 months of anticipation. I think it was around the time Reg Bush decided to rip off a 77 yard catch and run that I knew it was over. I woke up Monday morning DOWN 138 POINTS. This has to be some sort of record. The only person that knows what I'm feeling is Darryl. Each of us got 194 points dropped on us. The only consolation is that Woody had to split the $10 high score prize. How does this happen? Everyone is so pumped up for fantasy, and it all comes crashing down so quickly. The Darkest Norseman dropped 155 and it still wasn't enough.
My Sunday was filled with an all-day attempt to meet Ryan Seacrest and win a couple million dollars on NBC's Million Dollar Quiz. While I passed the first barrier to the live show, the second was insurmountable. My chance at TV fame and millions was gone. As a consolation prize, NBC hooked me up with The Real World San Diego's Ashley. And I'm not making that up.
While you're trying to figure out if my Sunday ended in happy tissues or sad tissues, let's get into the Beef of the Week.
Beef of the Week: "Fantasy Experts"
I had my beef at about 4 P.M. Sunday, and the more I have thought about it in anticipation of the blog, the more the beef has grown. What makes someone a fantasy expert? Do you win a tournament of leagues? Is it witty writing? I just don't understand what makes specific people "experts". If the Talented Mr. Homo Matthew Berry played in the EFFL there's no way he wins more than Woody.
The worst part is this "Fantasy Experts Draft" I saw about 2 weeks before the EFFL draft. All of the "experts" insisted on drafting running backs until there were none left. Some guy was bragging in the comments that he was able to snag Daryl Richardson while one of his competitive clowns lost his season by popping the QB cherry and drafting Aaron Rodgers. Legitimately, these guys were praising the guy for taking D-Rich over Rodgers. It's what the "experts" do.
So where's the beef? Entering Monday, only 2 players had run for 100 yards: a Raiders QB and a Patriots backup RB. Meanwhile, in the EFFL, Yashar drafted Julio Jones first and Woody drafted A.J. Green first. Each broke the 190 point barrier. Eat D "experts". I get the position scarcity, but come on. On the other side of the coin, an "expert" may look at the Stanky Monkeys with the best WR and arguably the best QB in the league and point and laugh at how awful his team is.
Go head Cousin Terio:
Let's move on to the power rankings, which are back for the 2013 season. FYI, the top of the blog has links to both league pages so you can see what's going on with the other league. I'll also post links on the ESPN site for quick access.
League 1
1. The King's Crusaders (1-0) - FUCK!!!! It's only 1 week. It's only 1 week. Woody has absolutely no bench, but as long as his team is healthy it should be solid. Seriously though, what happened at the draft? I didn't think you drank that much, but after round 6 your draft took a nosedive. In the meantime, this is the team to beat. I'm sure after this blow up, he'll put up 87 points against Lady Luck.
2. Team Toliver (1-0) - New year, same story. As I stared at this team inebriated, I thought "prime candidate for relegation". Shows me what I know. Employing the same strategy of Tony G, Sproles, Manning, and a plethora of receivers, Yashar would probably clown the "experts" league. I really thought he'd be the first to break the 200 point barrier. Let's see if he can knock off his arch nemesis Mike Y in week 2.
3. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-1) - No, I haven't lost it. The fact is I'm honestly not that impressed with any of the other teams in the league. It's real close. In a tie, I defer to Peterson. If Trent Richardson, Roddy White, and Mike Wallace combine for 14 points in a week again, I'll shotgun a Natty Ice for old time's sake. Anyone want to take that bet? If everyone takes it, 17 people will shotgun a Natty Ice if it doesn't happen. If it does happen, well then I'll be shotgunning 17 Natty Ices and puking blood for 3 days as my body tries to fight kidney damage.
4. Dueling Pylons (0-1) - Maybe I'm just intoxicated and in denial, but let's do this. Every team has weaknesses, but if Chip Kelly ain't nothin to fuck with, this team is a serious contender. If you're gonna throw up a total dud, it's best to plan it for when your opponent drops 194. I need to stop betting on the Patriots and thinking Tommy Brady is good. Fucking Cutter.
5. Lady Luck (1-0) - Unreal, man. At 1:15 AM Eastern time, convicted juicer Brian Cushing picks off a Philip Rivers pass (who hasn't) and brings it back to the house to give Sam a 1 point victory. Lady Luck indeed. It's always a risky proposition to hitch your wagons to a Jay Cutler led team, but for once I actually think this team is decent. Trying to dispel the notion that you can never have enough white boys, Lady Luck is truly setting a precedent in the EFFL. Could conceivably start Eli, Danny Woodhead, Amendola, Welker, Jordan Cameron, Greg Olsen, and light skinned Lance Moore to form Sexual Vanilla. Should be a solid team.
6. Threeing the Hogs (0-1) - Real tough break for Mike Y. Looked to be in solid shape with just 10 minutes to play in the never ending Monday night idea that nobody can watch when another Woody struck yet again with a defensive TD on Monday night. Gambino knows all about this. Still not sure what to make of this team. I really think it's gonna be hard to be consistently good week in and week out. But the pieces are there. Ray Rice, Fitz, Jimmy Graham is a good start, but we'll see. Appropriately placed in the middle for now. If some of the complementary pieces can break out, there's definitely potential for improvement.
7. RGIII for President (0-1) - Lesson learned. Don't go to Africa and expect a drunk commissioner to draft you the best team. Marshawn Lynch should be better and help this team, and Aaron Rodgers is one of the most consistent players in Fantasy Football. A meeting of the minds with the Pylons in week 2 is going to send one of these teams to 0-2. Let's see what happens.
8. Tweeting In the Trenches (1-0) - AYYYY!!!! LOOKADISGUY!!!! HIYADONNNNN!!!!
I have nothing to say about this clown, other than the below:
As I noted in my post-draft blog, Fusco showed up at the draft with no cash as if the night came as a surprise. About a week later, I received this in the mail. What are you looking at, you ask?
1. Chris Fusco cannot get his own name on the family checks.
2. Jenna may or may not have paid his league fees, but she wrote out the entire check and signed her own name so Chris could send to the commissioner.
Let's try to imagine how this conversation played out.
Chris: Jenna, I need to pay league fees.
Jenna: I thought you won last year.
Chris: I did, but you have to pay every year and I put the winnings in our account.
Jenna: My account.
Chris: Right, so can you make me out a check?
Jenna: I don't like this one bit, Chris. Where's my fucking trophy?
Chris: Uhhhh, I forgot to take it with me.
Jenna: Shocker. Well I'm not paying again without a trophy.
Chris: Jenna, come ahn! Brandon's gonna be so pissed at me if I don't pay.
Jenna: Fine, I'll write you a check because I like Brandon, but if you lose money this year, you're cut off.
Chris: Thank you so much! I love you!
9. Tavon In 60 Seconds (1-0) - Ugh. I'm sad I had to put this team this high. An imitation TITTY, here we have TISSY, who has his team named for a player not even on his own team. This has to be a first. This just isn't a good team. As usual, had his best week in week 1 and will only go down from here. Makes fun of Vince Young, yet thinks Tony Romo-Frank Gore is the new dream team. Occupation: Intramural Basketball coach doesn't inspire much confidence. Prime candidate for relegation.
10. Stanky Monkeys (0-1) - Yikes. It's amazing to think that a team with Tron and Drew Brees is clearly the worst in the league, but that's the case here. Lone bright spot was Shane Verreen, and he's obviously immediately injured. This team might have a couple big weeks, but I can't see it happening on a consistent basis. The only silver lining here is that the other teams aren't all that great, so there's a chance. Already lost to the #9 team in the rankings. With a loss to #8, things may be dire.
League 2
1. The Darkest Norseman (0-1) - Despite losing his first game, dropped 155 points in his first getgo. While it is certainly a disappointing result, it is still very early. If Jordan Cameron turns out to be a big time player, this team will be stacked at pretty much every position. I liked this team the best coming out of the draft, and I still feel the same way now. Probably would have won if didn't get shitfaced and cancel on Sunday football due to hangover. Your complaining about the Redskins use of Roy Helu (2 touches) is just hilarious.
2. Game On Dick Bag (1-0) - Who knows if this name is here to stay, but it's intense. Sam is certainly the Bro-Lo El Cuñado of the League, and he's built a solid team. Perhaps if he decides to trade Shorts for Boxers and Wife Beater he'll end up the favorite. Still one of my favorite one-liners. Definitely the top contender to take down Dosh. Also, Sam puked on draft night bringing our success rate to 33% (4 of 12).
3. EEB Ventura (1-0) - Got a huge win against a tough opponent. Probably due to the incredible team name. We all know that EEB is going to end up stuck in League 2 again next year (or demoted to League 3), but it's fun while it lasts. The most ironic thing here is the connection to Woody's team. Each employs Colin Kaepernick and A.J. Green, so their success is largely tied to the other. How does EEB feel knowing that to root for himself is also to root for Woody? Don't be surprised to see A.J. on the waiver wire come Wednesday.
4. Street Pige (0-1) - Came up just short in his bid to chase down the Eskimo Brothers. A heartbreaking loss for Young Meech. I need to be skeptical of overrating this team like last year. Looked good on paper, but just couldn't get the job done. Week 1 was more of the same. But with the path cleared for Stevan Ridley, this team could get dangerous in a hurry. In-season management here is key. Consistently made poor lineup decisions last year. Let's see if older and wiser pays off.
5. Bo$$town Beasts (1-0) - Cutty and Ben hung out post draft drinking beers and playing a game of Tit with each other. They bonded. First game of the season Cutty laughs in Ben's face as Manning drops 7 TDs in his grill. Spiller and MJD did nothing, Jordy was left on the bench, and he still put up 140+. This team has potential, and maybe at #5 is a little underrated.
6. Super Eskimo Brothers (1-0) - Held on Monday night and got his first EFFL win. Yet another team with Drew Brees that ends up pretty low in the power rankings. But with a decent stable of running backs, Julio Jones and Victor Cruz, you can expect some big weeks. Got a solid week 1 win, but definitely has some holes. Overall I think pretty decent job.
7. Catfood and Lavender (0-1) - It's never a good idea to create a team name to torment your opponent. I've done it before and it never works out I'm on the fence. On one hand, put up a very solid week despite some poor performances from some big players. On the other, can you expect some of these guys to do the same thing week in and week out? I think your week was officially doomed when you canceled on Sunday football for bed delivery.
At least you got Manning Face
8. Jersey Leshoure (0-1) - Odd man out at this point. Tons of rookies but who knows if they'll contribute. I can't endorse a team that starts James Jones and Fred Davis in week 1. I don't think it's a coincidence that the only guy who didn't make it to Bar 2 after the draft also has the worst team. We're also renaming League rule 2.G "The Lobitz Rule". It reads:
"In the event that a League Member cannot complete a draft due to massive alcohol consumption, the previously made picks will stand. The rest of the member's draft will be selected by the rest of the league".
I truly cannot wait to forget Week 1 and move on to Week 2. There's a lot at stake in League 1 already. Remember, that if you do not reach the playoffs, you will enter the relegation ladder, which is a 4 team elimination tournament. Only the winner will stay in League 1 while the other 3 will drop to League 2.
I apologize for declining humor throughout the blog as my buzz has faded and it's almost 1 A.M. I hope you enjoyed the return of the blog and hope to provide some more humor soon. If you've spent more time reading than enjoying the link at the beginning of the blog, I applaud you.
See you in Week 2.
B
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