First of all I wanted to welcome everybody back to the 2011 EFFL season. The trophy is finally back in the hands of the commissioner so it can be properly distributed. Also, I'm glad we were able to get 8 out of 10 together to draft, and I think it turned out better than expected this year. League members... please leave at least one Friday or Saturday around labor day free next year so we can do the draft in AC again. I think it works out best for everyone, especially Lou. I think hosting this year got him a little frazzled when he took Nate Burleson in the first round.
I've also decided that I've been too nice in the blog in the past. This will change. The blog will no longer feature game recaps. The format will be that of power rankings as I see it. This way I can verbally (electronically) assault each of you personally and the bashing will be easier to find. I will still do previews for the next week's games. A new section will commence called "jackass of the week". This will be a weekly ripping of an NFL personality who deserves to switch salaries with me. Most weeks the recipient would likely be Norv Turner... so now that I think about it we're calling it Norv of the week.
Norv of the week recipient week 1: Jason Garrett.
This man is a clown. The Dallas Cowboys are a perennial loser. "America's Team", who nobody actually likes, went 15 years without winning a playoff game. Jason Garrett called the plays for these losers while Wade Phillips was paraded around like a puppet as a fake coach. How do you reward this loser? A promotion! Of course! Jerry Jones has added an additional field to the list of things you can suck at and be promoted. It joins meteorology.
Anyway, the reason Garrett wins Norv of the week is because the Cowboys had the Jets on the ropes... Up 14 points in the 4th quarter and at the Jets 1 yard line, this boner decides to run back to back plays out of the shotgun. Romo fumbles, a punt gets blocked, Romo gets picked, and the rest is history. Just run the ball up the middle, that's it. Or is it you lack confidence and nobody respects you because you took the reins and cut the whole o line. Either way, you earned Norv status. Congratulations asshole. Side note... Don't throw at Revis and try to blame Dez for not coming back to a ball that he had no shot at. Man up Romo... although we know that's not his style. Congratulations Jimish, that's your qb.
Power Rankings after week 1:
1. The Stone Masons (1-0)
I said it leaving the draft.. I thought this was the team to beat. Usually I just blow smoke up bg's ass in hopes that he doesn't threaten to quit, but this time I really mean it. I think the Masons have turned a corner and I fully expect this team to contend all year. Could potentially wind up with the #1 rb and wr this year and will be very tough to beat. Dropping 140 on EEB this week and causing him emotional angst earned you extra points in my book. I can't remember anyone being so fired up at a draft and it turns out the man did his homework in the offseason. While the players were locked out, bg was hungry for knowledge. Congrats on a nice start.
2. Stanky Monkeys (1-0)
Mike Vick is going to have a monster season. I'm a believer 100%. I think between Vick, run Dmc and Andre Johnson, it's going to take a miracle for this team not to be a threat every single week. Based on potential I put this team right there with the Masons. I challenge you all to find something funnier than the range of emotion Lou goes through in assessing his own team. Draft Burleson.. happy. Hear laughter from all 8 other members in the league who have a clue.. sadness. Convinces himself that his team is still nasty after staring at the draft board.. happy. Vital member of the league.
3. Tweeting In The Trenches (1-0)
I was torn on this team. On one hand the owner still signs his high school football number on checks and his self portrait. On the other hand this team is pretty solid top to bottom. If Matt Stafford turns out to be a top 10 qb, this team is a shoe in for the playoffs. Consistency still concerns me a bit, but this team deserves to be in this spot. Frank Gore may be stuck in a fantasy quagmire (giggity) all season. I'm grateful that I don't need to see another text until at least December that says "titttyyyyy". It's nowhere near as good as the real thing. Oh that Eli.
4. Dueling Pylons (0-1)
Yes, that's right... I said it. Think about it. This team put up 120 without a 2nd round pick, a 5th round pick, all while leaving over 80 points on the bench. Faced the top score in week 1, but this team has as much potential as any in the league. Poor lineup decisions and a rash of injuries hurt, but the future is bright. For all you haters.. Steve Smith is back. It's gonna get ugly for teams in coming weeks facing the Pylons. In the great words of Robert Kelly... "haters wanna hate. lovers wanna love. I don't even want none of the above. I want to piss on you".
5. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-0)
Brady and Peterson is a dirty combo. Rest of team looks solid, but not spectacular yet. Either way this team can't be ranked any lower than this at this point. I think UJ was a little nervous as Sunday rolled on, but Monday night proved to be fantastic. I'm not a big fan of this team's depth but a definite contender. Being in a tough division will make them work.
6. The King's Crusaders (0-1)
Had a rough go of it week 1. Perhaps it was just bad luck, but I don't think this team has the potential right now to put up monster weeks that frequently. Mired in trade talks all week, some focus on the task at hand was most likely lost. I'm hoping this is the year the king just crashes and burns. It's unlikely with the teams below though.
7. Coach Janky Spanky (0-1)
The victim of a bg spanking, Janky Spanky has been sent right back to his frequent last place. I'll admit it was a nice week 1, but I think it was more an aberration than reality. A couple nice late round picks could catapult this team. EEB is the winner of best dressed at the draft. If you're gonna draft shitty players you might as well do it in style. Side note, the first 3 jerseys I saw in DC on Sunday were all Sean Taylor jerseys. How pathetic is your team that everyone wears the guy who got shot in the groin and is deceased.
8. Hard Knocks (1-0)
First of all you dropped 2 spots due to your team name. I'd be willing to bet that this is the best Sam does all season. It was a perfect storm in week 1 and that's it. I'm not scared of this team and I'm sure the rest of the league shares that sentiment. Props on making the draft this year, but you still haven't learned that tipping your hand to your brother only gets you screwed in the end. I will have the trophy for you soon.
9. Animals With Eyepatches (0-1)
Jimish gets the nod here because he made his picks in a timely fashion this year.Delicious and D.Bo obviously won't be that bad on a normal basis but I'm not sure this team has game breaking ability at this juncture. More often than not I'd expect somewhere in the 90-110 range, which is no longer very intimidating in this league. Gonna need to see something more in week 2 for me to change my mind. Still the best logo in the league.
10. First Down Syndrome (0-1)
This was the most obvious ranking. Who knew the team name change represented a recently diagnosed condition. This is the worst team in the league. Drank the shonn greene kool aid and saved the rest of the league. Actually started Lee Evans. I could honestly go on for days. It's gonna be a very very long season for these cellar dwellers. Thanks for your $75 donation. Maybe you should have drafted Laveraneus Coles.
As we move into week 2 here are the matchups this weekend:
The Stone Masons (1-0) v Animals With Eyepatches (0-1)
Hard Knocks (1-0) v Dueling Pylons (0-1)
Tequila Party Gnomes (1-0) v Stanky Monkeys (1-0)
TITTY (1-0) v First Down Syndrome (0-1) ... lol
and the game of the week...
Coach Janky Spanky (0-1) v The King's Crusaders (0-1)
This has become one of the biggest rivalries in the EFFL. Each owner spends hours upon hours reading about fantasy and touting the next big thing. Whether it be a 3rd string running back or the length of the grass on the field... all bases are covered. So as we enter week 2 each finds themselves in a precarious position. As EEB knows first hand, a slow start can be too big a hole to dig yourself out of. This is the only winless matchup of week 2 so the loser will be guaranteed to be in last place. There is a ton of pride at stake here, and if these two don't express it to each other directly, I'm always informed of how satisfying it is when one beats the other. I am still a believer in the woody squad and am picking him here, but this is definitely gonna be a close one.
I hope you enjoyed week 1 and the new blog format, but if not I'll listen to the critics. Good luck to everyone this week.
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