3 teams tied for first. There must be a regular season champion.
Again I missed another weekly writeup and again I came away on the ass end of a defeat. The fantasy gods have struck down and they have said you must write. The only Homecoming point of note is the tailgate beverages. Due to an exorbitant purchase of a 32 pack of Yoohoo juice boxes, we needed to mix it with something. The beverage of choice was Dr. McGilliguddy's Mentholmint Schnapps. This mixture tasted like a mint girl scout cookie and was absolutely delicious at 9 am in the freezing cold parking lot. Week 8 was relatively uneventful.
The Stanky Monkeys took out the Pylons by a wide margin. This marks the 3rd straight victory for the Monkeys, who have not lost to the Pylons since 2006. A dynamic effort from Brian Westbrook was all she wrote. A full strength Monkeys and a weakened Pylons team seemed destined for this result. I received the usual text messages while Lou was at the Linc telling me how nasty his team was. The players he was referring to: Thomas Jones, Lance Moore, and Tony Gonzalez. This is what the EFFL has come to. Some clown believing he is the champion of the world because of scrubs that had a decent week. This must be stopped. I also shattered my watch into multiple pieces in a fist slamming incident involving a chair following a DeAngelo Williams touchdown.
The upstart Ari Golds took care of business against the tailing Jackson Five. Deactivated shortly before kickoff the Golds needed to scramble to find a replacement for #1 stunna Steven Jackson. Jerricho Cotchery was inserted and he did not disappoint. His 17 catches for 22 yards provided a huge spark of 19 points for the Golds. The Five meanwhile are fading quickly. Losers of 3 straight, the only enthusiasm uttered Sunday afternoon was a high-pitched “FANTASY” after a McNabb TD plunge. The big name guys are not getting it done. This team may need to look to trade or the waiver wire to get things going. After paying his league fees, the Five shook his head, knowing that he was funding my alcohol addiction.
Animals With Eyepatches (AEP) are riding Drew Brees and Roddy White back to fantasy stardom. This duo, along with a once in a lifetime performance from Debbie Does Dallas Clark, single-handedly have put Jimish back on the map after multiple seasons of fantasy futility. I like this Eyepatches team, as did many others at the draft. The reality is that we all know this team took the most time to put together, and the results are showing. Scouring player blurbs and projections for seemingly 10 minutes at a time, this highly calculated team is paying dividends. A 35 point effort from Carlos Santana Moss was not enough for “My Team Is Awful”. Your logo is a picture of Brett Favre crying, but I think the real problem is just having Brett on your team. The guy is an interception machine, and thus far it has not snowed in New York, preventing Brett from throwing snowballs in boyish celebrations after a hail mary that his receiver bailed him out on. Just hang it up old man. Chad Pennington and Aaron Rodgers are making you look like a complete joke. Aside from the rant, the awful team is still only 2 games out of a playoff spot with 5 to play. This thing is not over yet.
In the high scoring game of the week, the King moved to 6-2 with an impressive defeat of the Gnomes. It is Tuesday morning and I am just noticing that King used Antonio Bryant in his lineup?!?!? Good thing it didn’t hurt you, be wary of using Buccaneers. Unless you’re wearing a puffy shirt, I’d steer clear. Coming back from a nasty head injury, Anquan Boldin had a huge game with 2 TD’s, shredding the overrated Panthers secondary. Feat not league members, the Texans schedule gets much tougher. This must have been a demoralizing defeat for the Gnomes. Forced to choose between Chad Ocho Cinco and Torry “Big Game” Holt, he just couldn’t muster enough to take down that homo in the crown. The Gnomes now sit at 3-5, grasping on to the final playoff spot. A “MEGATRON!!” text couldn’t save Matt from succumbing to defeat.
Week 9 Preview
Tequila Party Gnomes vs. Stanky Monkeys
The last time the Gnomes beat the Monkeys was… well… never. The Monkeys have taken all 5 lifetime meetings, and it doesn’t get any easier in week 9. LT and Frank Gore are on the bye which should make the Gnomes plans for this week interesting. Lou must be loving missing Peterson, Bush, LT, and Gore in a span of 2 weeks. Whatever asshole made this schedule should be ostracized by the league. The Monkeys do lose superstar Lance Moore so this should be an even tradeoff. Based on the matchups I have to take the Monkeys in this one as much as I don’t want to.
Dueling Pylons vs. My Team Is Awful
On paper this looks like the 1st place Pylons should take care of the last place Awful team with ease. Looking a little closer, however, the Pylons have been on a downswing since the injury to the Reg. Awful meanwhile relies mostly on luck and could blow up any week. My guess is that this is not the week as All Day takes on the Texans and Larry Fitz entertains the Rams. Peterson may run for 350 yards and 5 TD’s… in the first half alone. With many players playing in late games, Awful will most likely have to come from behind to get the victory which I find unlikely. Look for the Pylons to set league records across the board in week 9.
The Jackson Five vs. The King’s Crusaders
This one is gonna be fun. King has very difficult matchups in week 9 including the Texans taking on the stout Vikings defense and Portis going up against the Steelers on Monday night. Known to play the matchups heavily, we could see an entirely different Crusaders squad come gametime. Meanwhile, I think the Five have a tremendous opportunity here to make a statement and get right back in the thick of things. McNabb will have his full arsenal in Seattle and the Eagles should dominate a joke of a Seahawks squad. I like the Five here in an upset between two bitter rivals. Perhaps we can go out to watch the games somewhere Sunday so I can see you two bicker.
***Game of the Week***
The Ari Golds vs. Animals With Eyepatches
Jimish was talking smack to Nick before he even played his first game in the EFFL. He backed it up with a win in Nick’s first ever game. Since that game, these teams have gone in different directions. 1 championship for the Golds and only one playoff appearance for the Eyepatches in almost 2 and a half years. A narrow 3 point Eyepatches victory in Week 5 surely has the Golds miffed. Both sitting at 4-4 right in the middle of the EFFL table, the Golds no doubt will be looking to wipe that bad taste out of his mouth. The standings may not tell the whole story, but over the last 6 weeks, these have been 2 of the 3 highest scoring teams in the league. Sporting a nifty 3 game winning streak, I expect the Golds to fall flat on their face in this one and get a nice spanking from the Animals.
Alright, that’s it for this week. Hopefully MLB will end baseball before November, provided it accommodates the Rays as much as possible. What a complete laughing stock that league is. At least hockey is back and the Flyers have actually won a game. I will be back with a review next week. Don’t wanna mess with karma.
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