The Stage Is Set

Wow has the past week been a crazy one in the EFFL both on and off the field. With one week in the books, we are down to the final 4. Ironically, it is the exact same final 4 as in 2007. As of today, we know the following to be true:

- One of the teams that played in the 2007 championship game will be back in the game this season.

- The 3 seed has taken down the 6 seed for the first time ever.

- The last time each of the matchups occurred, they both produced over 250 points combined.

- Also for the first time ever, Peyton Manning’s squad will not be on the championship roster.

- The Stanky Monkeys are the worst of the 4 remaining teams.

In preparation for this week, the Gnomes, Pylons, and Monkeys painted the city of Baltimore a nice shade of red this past Friday night. This was no ordinary bus trip. It was the Phi Sig Crush Party from Towson. A bottle of vodka was destroyed in about half an hour at the pregame. While Stanky and myself each shared a seat with 2 lovely young ladies, the Gnomes were shuffled to the back and shoved to the inside of the bus wheel row with some dude. Perhaps it was because he was wearing purple on purple with an undershirt that said “Nidge”. Upon arrival, the Gnomes had some built up tension from the bus ride that was soon to be let loose on the dance floor.

I can’t even put into words how great the scene was. An overhead fog machine was firing a jet of air at high speeds and the Gnomes were yelling the lyrics to Britney Spears’ “Womanizer” at the top of his lungs. Akon was also trying to make love. I’ll be honest here. I drank too many rum and cokes to give a more detailed description, but from what I’ve heard the night progressed downhill with the Gnomes getting slapped in the face for saying the bus was going back to Staples parking lot as well as the Monkeys screaming “FUCK THE PYLONS” multiple times. It all ended with Pylons and Monkeys dancing on chairs and drinking til the wee hours of the morning while the Gnomes returned to sleep in his car for 2 hours before work the next morning. EFFL does it big.

Now that the madness off the field has ended for the time being, it’s time to focus on the task at hand: the semifinals in the EFFL playoffs.

#1 The King’s Crusaders (11-2) vs. #5 Tequila Party Gnomes (6-7-1)

If there is one word to describe the Gnomes 2008 playoff season it would be redemption. As predicted in last week’s writeup, the Gnomes-Eyepatches week 14 game was one of the best we’ve seen all season. Heading into the 4^th quarter of the Monday night game the Gnomes led 134-133. Matt Bryant had shanked a 40 yard field goal off the left upright, but it was the Carolina running game that in the end did the Eyepatches in. As Carolina kept scoring the Bucs defense kept losing points, and after the dust had settled the Gnomes were victorious. Prior to Monday night’s outcome I was notified by the King himself that he wanted the Gnomes in round 2, as he felt it was an easier matchup for his squad. Well the King got his wish, but as history has shown this sort of request can come back to haunt you.

The 2007 Championship game was nothing short of a Baby Unk spanking. An 86 point victory saw the King hoist the trophy and have his name enshrined forever on the EFFL trophy. This brings me back to my initial word for the Gnomes: redemption. To come so close to the title and then have it come crashing down so quickly surely resonates on TPG. Even a 129 point effort in week 8 wasn’t enough to derail the King, who now holds a 4 game winning streak over TPG. King has been a machine, scoring over 120 points in 8 straight weeks. But also worth noting is that in week 14 the King had his lowest point total since week 3 and would have lost to the other 3 remaining teams. Such is the beauty of the bye and now he can turn his focus to a real game. I’m on the ropes about this one. Could the King’s allegiance to the Texans cost him? After seeing Antonio Bryant torch the Panthers can Brandon Marshall do the same? I think the Gnomes pull the unthinkable and return to the finals for the 2^nd straight season.

#2 Stanky Monkeys (10-3) vs. #3 Dueling Pylons (10-4)

For the first time #2 will host #3, but that is hardly the story here. If this game doesn’t get your blood pumping then nothing will. This has to be the right at the top of most trash talked rivalries in the league. It again started last week well in advance of this potential matchup. Perhaps the Monkeys were already expecting a Pylons victory. After dispatching the Ari Golds relatively easily, the Pylons finally have their first playoff win and now smell blood in the water. Between the starters and bench players, the Pylons amassed an incredible 268 points in week 14. The key to success could be the absence of Browns and Lions on the roster. A healthy Reggie Bush certainly doesn’t hurt either. There is a 0% chance the loser of this game is not found curled up in the fetal position in a gutter somewhere.

The Stanky Monkeys also own a 4 game winning streak over their playoff opponent dating all the way back to 2006. The Pylons are the only team to reach week 15 for the 3^rd straight season. Perhaps the 3^rd time is the charm to get to the title game. Here’s an interesting stat that I have stumbled upon. Stanky Monkeys have won their last 16 games against opponents that are not the King or Jackson Five. This must stop this week. ESPN has projected an early 42 point margin of victory for Stanky. Ridiculous. I don’t see any possible way that this game doesn’t come down to Monday night. With Westbrook, Eagles defense, and Akers going against the Browns, the Pylons will probably need at least a 50 point lead to feel safe. I can only imagine how many “NASTY” text messages I’m going to receive. The real nastiness is going to occur in the Vikings-Cardinals game where the Monkeys will be in emotional anguish for a good 3+ hours. After consulting my Chinese calendar, it appears that 2008 is the year of the Pylon. Look for a Pylons-Gnomes final.

To say the least I am excited. I can’t wait for all of this weekend’s games, and I’m sure the hype is equally building around the league. There is a lot of pride at stake and I look forward to writing the final review next week. In the words of the late, great Jesus Quintana, “You ready to be fucked, man? I see you roll your way into the semis” Good luck to all.