Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Playoffs on the Horizon


Coming down the home stretch and it's time to start thinking about the playoffs. 4 teams have been knocked out:

  • Stanky Monkeys
  • Bo$$town Cutter
  • Dueling Pylons
  • Cash Me Out Wide (how bou daaaa)
See you in 2018. The fantasy gods were not kind to any of your teams. Let's take a look at what I said about each of your teams after the draft.

Stanky Monkeys: "I'm concerned. I think this could go south quickly." It went south quickly and never recovered. Still could send the Pylons to dead last!

Bo$$town Cutter: "Picking up an extra two picks, you should have abandoned your 15th and 16th round picks. Not only did that not happen, you continued to draft in the 17th and 18th rounds, amassing 20 players, and having to cut 4 guys just for me to enter your roster on the site. Awfully impressive." Nobody panned out. I don't know how much else to say other than that.

Dueling Pylons: "I traded away all my picks to Cutter and gave up after round 8." Also, "I was still drunk at 7 PM Sunday." I don't think anybody is surprised to see this team already eliminated.

Cash Me Out Wide:  THIS IS UNEDITED. "Where to start. You're your own worst enemy. "We're getting 2 for 1 lap dances!" at 6 PM. All you had on the brain was late night. You actually used Pic Stitch to put together a picture of a strip club ticket stub. There are 11 Yelp reviews of that place. One person was drugged, one was robbed.


At some point along the way, things went south. Eli Manning in the 5th round. Then Andrew Luck in the 6th round brought lots of laughter. Then you took ANOTHER QB in the 7th round! I've truly never seen anything like it. And that's the honest truth. In all my years of fantasy football, even with computer auto-draft, I've never seen 3 QBs in the first 7 rounds when you can only start one."

To make matters worse, you actually cut all of those guys!


This is the bottom of the EFFL, and after reading these comments before any games were even played, it's not hard to see why these teams are here. I will have nothing more to say about these sad franchises after this.

CUTTER, PLEASE DO NOT ADD ANYONE VIA FREE AGENCY AFTER THE REGULAR SEASON ENDS. HABITUAL VIOLATOR.

I will say yet again, though. Injuries suck. So many "what could have been" teams.

How bout that Crabtree / Aqib Talib brawl?!?!? Does anybody like Crabtree at all? Anybody? Look at this goon!


How many things can you count that he does wrong?
  1. Went way too hard on a block
  2. Got his chain ripped from his neck AGAIN
  3. Ends up on the bottom of a pile
  4. Gets his helmet ripped off
  5. Starts running with his mouthpiece still in
  6. Tries to punch a guy wearing a helmet
COME ON MAN.



The Eagles might just be having too much fun right now. Premature explosions, electric slides, Bodak Yellow. Somebody is getting injured. It's inevitable.

Meanwhile, just Chuck Pagano channeling Bill Murray and referencing a great movie. And a hurricane is coming! And playoffs?!?!?


I like Doug. Doug is refreshing. Guy getting his feet wet and enjoying successes. Too many bitter old men in the game like Pagano.

You know who I really miss? Johnny Football. Guy did whatever he wanted and actually was decent. Just did wayyyyyy too much coke. I'm hoping Baker Mayfield can fill in his shoes. We need some loudmouth, disrespectful guy QBing an inept franchise. Makes the game fun to watch.

I also know I missed a week. In a fit of rage, I deleted the ESPN app off of my phone (and not due to the ads or automatic playing of high volume ads at any time). I went dark. Wanted nothing to do with fantasy. Nathan Peterman throwing 5 picks against me in one half was too much to take. I knew the season was over. I knew there would be no blog. I knew that was it.

It's very sad that the Bills will never have a home playoff game because they play in the same division as the Patriots. #BillsMafia at home, in January? Sign me up. Look at this wizardry!


Oh, and shoutout to Phil for scoring possibly the lowest score in EFFL history with 42 points. That's unbelievably impressive. And you're in the mix while others are out.

Here are some fun shots from the Superdome:






Beef of the Week: This ridiculous picture above

It was my beef last week. I'm still beefin about it. What kind of sick person thinks "I'm going to get custom Saints tees in 3 different colors for my 3 boys. All of them are going to say 'Bruno Mars' on the back". What is that? Even if you like Bruno Mars, which you shouldn't, why is that what you'd put on the shirt?

Are we going to see the three Fusco children at a Giants game in the future all wearing custom tees with "Squarepants" on the back? Is this a thing? This is awful parenting. Awful awful awful. Either go to a football game or go to a Bruno Mars concert. Pick one. So fucking stupid.


EFFL Playoffs

OK, let's get into the good stuff. 3 teams have clinched: PCE, TPG and King. This means there are 7 teams in play to claim the final 4 spots. Remember the tiebreakers:
  • If one team has a head-to-head tiebreaker over all others, seed that team first.
  • Most points scored
  • Revert to #1 to keep breaking ties
Believe it or not, there are still 4 teams in play for the bye due to the tiebreaking criteria.

TPG - First crack at the bye. Beat Mike Y and it's yours.
PCE - Second shot. Needs a win or tie and a TPG loss. Anything else and you're playing in Round 1.
King - Third up. Need to win and have the two teams ahead slip up. Looking unlikely.
Old Ball Sack - Certainly in play and has tiebreakers over everyone. A win, a Pork Chop Loss, and a King loss will have you in the top spot. Amazing that you could still get the bye and still miss the playoffs.


Win and In:

Old Ball Sack - Losses to TITTY and Geno could hurt, but still in OK shape. Good point total as well. Even with a loss, would still be surprising to see you miss out.

Team Bartholomew - Was looking strong before, but now could be in some trouble with a loss. PCE is no slouch and he's looking to clinch a bye.

Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets - Still in the mix. Still clinches a playoff spot with a win. I don't know how you do it. 2nd lowest points scored. Lowest points allowed. It's actually conceivable that you still get in with a loss.

The 4 6-6 Teams

All of these teams must win or tie to get in. A loss will eliminate you.

A Lot O'Tatz - Point total is good, but you do need some help. Grudge match against Woody means you know he's gonna step his game up. Beat Tatz, TITTY and BG, which could help in a tiebreak scenario. Win and it's looking good for you.

Geno 911 - My how the tables have turned. The Pylons season is over, but the opportunity to eliminate you is awful exciting. Beat a bunch of teams you could end up tied with, so there is hope. Beat EEB, BG, and Mike Y, so also has some good tiebreakers.

Tweeting in the Trenches - Step 1: Beat BG. As is the case with many of the other teams, you've got a couple feathers in your cap: notably Mike Y, Gambino, and Tatz. Point total also isn't that great, so will need things to fall your way. If EEB, Gambino, or Phil fall, you also are in play.

Team BG - Likewise must defeat Fusco to get the ball rolling. Don't take any shit from Fusco. He might wanna push you around. He might wanna take you for granted. Don't let him. You are way behind in points and have lost to every single team in contention other than Phil, which is also a problem for tiebreakers. The good news, however, is that your path is clear. You must win. You must have 2 of EEB, Phil, and Gambino lose. That's not out of the question by any means.


As usual, it has come down to the final week in the EFFL. There are way too many scenarios to consider at this point, so let's see how this thing goes.
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