Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Wentz for MVP



The NFL is back! And Carson "The Real Deal" Wentz is here to carve up the Browns. Super Bowl baby!!! At least 4 separate times throughout week 1, I thought to myself “well that’s the clear beef of the week right there”. I had truly forgotten how many frustrating things happen on a single Sunday. Eventually, I settled on one, but man was it tough. I haven’t even lost my shit on Scott Hansen yet!

Before we get there, I highly encourage all of you to vote for We Global Football in the Football Blogging Awards.  Just type "We Global Football" in the Best International Blog section and vote. If we get nominated, Matt and I are likely headed to Manchester, England for the awards at Old Trafford. It's actually mandatory before you read on.


Beef #1: How bout that ESPN app, huh! Been preparing for football since February, and as soon as people need to use it, the whole thing goes dark. It was infuriating. I got complaints from no less than 8 league members, like I’m the one who manages the app. “Are we switching sites”, “How do I know how bad Mike Y’s scrubs are beating me”, “When will the app be back up”? All questions I received. ESPN did a terrible job, as usual. We’re not switching sites yet, but I’ll keep this in the back of my mind for the future.

Beef #2: Offseason injury reports are absolute garbage. Teams keep things concealed until the NFL forces them to release information. That is absolute bullshit. Guys like Jamaal Charles, Gronk, DeVante Parker “weren’t ready” for Week 1. Now Sammy Watkins is “dealing with significant pain”. Why couldn’t you let us know that before the EFFL draft? Would it have given your Week 1 opponent that much of an advantage? This is arguably worse than the guy who gets injured after the draft. These were not new injuries. They were just blatant lies. That’s not fair to the public.

Beef #3: Ben Lobitz. I’ve never seen someone so excited to bet on the Jaguars to win a game. Even after informing you that I had already teased the Packers to even money, you decided to make a wager for us on the Jaguars, ensuring that I’m a loser. I know this was the most likely outcome to begin with, but at least give me a shot, man. That’s cold.

Shoutout ESPN for the honor:






 Broadway Cro’s Bad Beat of the Week™: In previous said teaser, we had the Titans +8.5 at home against Shaun Hill and the Vikings. Up 10-0 at the half, the Titans proceeded to allow 0 offensive TDs and still lose the parlay. The icing on the cake was the Titans scoring a TD to pull within 9, and then Mike “Cut the” Mularkey deciding to go for 2 for some ungodly reason. Thank you, Mike. I look forward to fading you in the future.

But believe it or not, that was not the Bad Beat of the Week. That comes courtesy of the Indianapolis Colts, who I can’t even describe how happy I am that I did not have. This was one of the worst I’ve ever seen. The Colts were a field goal favorite at home against the Lions. So teased, they were getting 2.5 points. The Lions were up by 6 points. The Colts drove down and scored a TD with just 37 seconds left in the game, and the extra point gave them a 1 point lead.

The Lions were trying frantically to stage a comeback. A quick pass here, a quick pass there. Staffy-Poo absolutely losing his shit:



The Lions got into range for about a 50 yarder to win the game with 8 seconds left. Matt “Fat” Prater drills the kick with 4 seconds left on the clock to put the Lions up 2. On the ensuing kickoff, the Colts try the play where you throw it backwards a million times with the clock at 0. About 20 seconds into this disaster, somehow, a Colts player ended up running around with the ball in the end zone. He threw a forward pass. When you throw an illegal forward pass from the end zone, it counts as a safety. The play ended, and the Lions were awarded ANOTHER 2 points, winning the game by 4. The Colts were winning the game with 8 seconds left, did not allow a touchdown, and somehow lost by more than 2 points in regulation. Absolutely incredible.

As a bonus, I bet on Alistair Saturday night:





Beef of the Week: Finally! He’s gotten to it after chewing my ear off with some gambling nonsense. My beef of the week occurred Sunday night, watching the Cardinals and Patriots. After forcing and recovering a Jimmy Garricks fumble, the Cardinals celebrated, just like any other play. And out comes the flag. What was the flag for, you ask?

15 yards for a “choreographed demonstration”. Those were the exact words used by the referee. And Cris Collinsworth immediately is spewing “That’s the correct call!!!!” What fucking sport are we playing here? Bunch of white guys sitting around a table determined that hey, we can’t have any choreographed demonstration. That’s detrimental to our product. Are you kidding me? My beef is mostly due to the fact that a referee is called in to action and forced to determine if a celebration was choreographed or not. Is it OK to dance if you don’t plan it or if you’re not doing the same dance? How is this real life?

My biggest question in all of this is “WHO CARES?!?!?” Why does anyone care if players have a celebration dance? What’s next? No choreographed handshakes? No choreographed chest bumps? The NFL needs to get it together on these celebrations. It’s an absolute farce. Somehow, also, Antonio Brown was penalized for twerking. Didn't use the ball as a prop. It wasn't a choreographed demonstration. It wasn't a group celebration. They need to stop this shit for real.

I’m going to keep the team blurbs short this year. You know if your team sucks or not.


 JOCKS WHO ARE COCKS
A running list of potential fantasy adds who think that disrespecting a country will get racist cops to no longer be racist, because somebody has to take a stand against America on 9/11.

- Colin Kaepernick
- Arian Foster
- Kenny Stills


Power Rankings

 14. The Old Ball Sack (0-1) – Last week: 13. I’d wager some money that you don’t pick draft location next year. Could it be your classic case of first to worst? A lot of work to do here.

13. Pork Chop Express (0-1) – Last week: 11. Thought to himself, “I really want to start 2 Cowboys rookies Week 1”. Slept with a Tony Romo poster last night.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (0-1) – Last week: 10. Those injuries hurt. I think better days lie ahead but don’t get in too big of a hole.

11. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-0) – Last week: 9. Unlike Cutter, you’re about to get a lot worse. DeAngelo and Ware are on borrowed time. Keenan Allen is done for the year. In desperate need of WR help already.

10. Harambe Was Set-Up (1-0) – Last week: 12.  Pretty solid first week and still only ended up w 110. Getting Gronk back will be huge. I’m still uncertain on your team and could easily move up.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-1) – Last week: 2. Might be a bit low here. A lot of teams are close in quality. Very interested in Breshad P. He made a nice grab. Defense and kicker let you down. Not bad otherwise.

8. ROLL THE DICE (1-0) – Last week: 14. I guess I was too harsh. If Kelvin Benjamin is back in form, I think your team looks a lot better. Marvin Jones is gonna have a nice season since Golden Tate is absolutely awful.

7. Team BG (0-1) – Last week: 3. Solid roster. I’m moving you down a bit, but only 36 from Julio, Demaryius and Landry is awful low. Most weeks will be better. Keep your head up.

6. Dueling Pylons (1-0) – Last week: 6. Insisted on Bills and Browns. They all did terrible, but the rest of the roster looks like it could be pretty solid. Better weeks ahead for sure.

5. Geno 911 (0-1) – Last week: 4. Another year with the same story. Got hammered and forgot to draft a bench. You have so many guys I would never want to root for.

4. Team Bartholomew (0-1) – Last week: 7. Wish I drafted Danny Woodhead for myself. Too much WR talent for that low of a score. Your team will be a force in no time.

3. The King’s Crusaders (1-0) – Last week: 8. I’m sure this will be the year Matt Ryan has a career year. Just another classic squad. High draft pick is injured, yet you still win. Then he comes back and nobody wants to play you.

2. Stanky Monkeys (1-0) – Last week: 5. 32 from Willie Snead?!?!? Get out of here. Unbelievable performance. That Langford/Mathews RB combo is solid. Drafted well, and I think you’ve got a lot of wins ahead.

1. A Lot O’Tatz (1-0) – Last week: 1. No reason to move you from the top spot. All Day put up 3 points and you still went hammer time on Lobitz. Edelman, Baldwin, and Sanu seems unfathomable as one of the best WR trios in the league, but it’s true. Stud Theo Riddick on the bench could also be a huge boost. Well done.


 Week 2 Matchups
Lobitz v. Pylons
King v. Gambino
BG v. Phil
TITTY v. EEB
Adam v. Adam
Stanky v. TPG
DOSH v. D-Sheetz


See you all for the blog next weekend.
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