First I just wanted to apologize for not having a recap last week and for this being so late this week. Been really busy at work lately, but I want you all to know that my commitment to the EFFL and defeating league clowns Fusco and Gambino is 100% there. I am always taking applications for guest bloggers. But to make up for it, this will be a longer than usual blog with lots of excitement. I truly cannot remember a year where there has been such animosity between teams. To quote TPG, my phone is literally smoldering each Sunday with hatred and smack talk. One day we will have the technology to convert these text messages into message board format, but until then trust me it has been outstanding.
Some highlights from week 5 include the first time I’ve ever heard Woody curse in my life. Following a 2nd Percy Harvin TD to defeat Jimish on Monday night, I received a text saying “that’s how you get shit done”. While disgusted, I could not agree more. Also, classic hubris from Fusco as he indicated to me that he likes when I pick against TITTY because he always wins. Sadly, a meaningless Favre pick and Jets defensive TD with a minute to go on Monday night won the game for Nick. Here’s how things played out in week 6:
Tequila Party Gnomes 111 – Maybe This Time 101:
This has to have been one of the most uneventful fantasy games in recent memory. Although viewing the Sunday games with TPG for the first time in a long time, he seemed distant and disinterested in anything related to fantasy. Focus was simply on gambling and trying to out-boss everyone in the place with his Lions ballcap. I must say this: if you ever get the chance you should go to Delaware Park to watch the gambling degenerate fools. The bigger the hit, the better. Legal, illegal, doesn’t matter. If players are injured, dancing or blazed on the field, this crowd loves it. One player combined on these two teams put up over 18 points. Total snooze fest, but TPG definitely needed the win to get back into contention.
Here is my annual rant on Sam, and this is entirely on the shoulders of the schedule maker. In the past 20 regular season games, opposing teams have scored more than 115 against Sam a total of 3 times. THREE! The Pylons and TITTY have allowed more than 115 4 times each already this season! This luck is unheard of in fantasy football. Or at least I’ve never heard of it. This is not a knock on her team, but damn what did she do to deserve this? She’s played one of the top 4 scoring teams of the week only 4 times. Wow. I’ll let that sink in while Fusco cries about how he’s allowed 140 4 times this season. Poor guy hasn’t even played the Pylons yet.
The King’s Crusaders 139 – Tweeting In The Trenches 105:
Said TITTY took it hard on the chin this week. Any time your opponent has 100 points by 3 PM you know you’re in trouble. This was a week where the Schaub-Andre Johnson combo just wreaked havoc. Also, finally a Greggy Jennings sighting after going missing through the first 5 weeks of the season. The King has been pretty hit or miss this season so far. When Andre Johnson has a big week, so does this team. Also having your opponents score an average of 94 per game the past 3 weeks is the cure for everything. I think Fusco is in some trouble here, now losers in 4 of 5. I’m just staring at his roster and this team doesn’t scare me at all. But I don’t think it’s all his fault. Teams have either put up 140+ on him (0-4) or scored less than 95 (2-0). This is indicates to me that he looks like a middle of the pack team at best and losing Addai and Dallas Clark certainly doesn’t help matters whatsoever. Woody is now 5-0 against the 2 2009 expansion teams. Guys, he’s really not that intimidating.
Animals With Eyepatches 158 – Dueling Pylons 114:
Sure the Pylons are 2nd in points scored and 2nd in the breakdown. Sure they have as of today the #1 QB, RB, WR, TE and #3 RB. And sure, Jimish is just the latest to unleash fury on the Pylons with a ridiculous league high this season of 158 points. Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Marshall were absolutely relentless during the 1 o clock games. There is a pending league investigation into Bowe’s illegal use of stick um after a TD celebration went horribly wrong. What was initially intended to be a spike of the ball clearly showed Bowe with the ball stuck to his gloves ala Orlando Jones in The Replacements. Bottom line, if 3 of your players are forced to leave the game due to injury, you’re not going to win regardless. Week 6 was an absolute mess for the Pylons as this team will now be forced to use many reserves for the next couple weeks. Jimish’s team is absolutely on fire, and I know that I’m scared of him. Most points scored and fewest points allowed is the ultimate recipe for success, and the Eyepatches look very good thus far.
Stanky Monkeys 116 – The Stone Masons 100:
PLEASE USE DERRICK MASON. PLEASE. The entire league has been Jonesing for him since August 27th and we’ve yet to see him make an appearance. Also, starting a kicker on a bye is the ultimate statement, especially when that kicker is Mike Nugent. I know it is difficult to remove him from your lineup, but this cannot be the optimal strategy. These teams have now faced each other a total of 11 times, and one or more teams has scored 100 or less in each of those 11 meetings. I find that absolutely remarkable. Lou is dead last in scoring yet sits at a somewhat respectable 2-3-1. This 116 was his high for the season. Every other team’s high is 134+. That is unbelievably bad. To make matters worse, in between weeks I have to listen to offers of “oh I’ll give you an injured guy and Wes Welker for Manning, and while I’m at it, throw in the #1 RB for Wayne also”. Get out of here. If this team makes the playoffs… just wow. With the Pylons or TITTY’s schedule, the Monkeys would be 1-5 and a bottom feeder in this league. In the Monkeys past 10 games dating back to last year and including the playoffs, they have averaged barely over 96 points per game. If by some off chance I were to be considered a hater, this is the team I would hate on the most.
Johnson’s Farm 100 – Coach Janky Spanky 99:
Obviously for good reason this game was saved until the end. This was about as disgusting as it gets in fantasy football, and I know if I was EEB I would be sick about it. To make matters even worse, Nick won in exactly the same fashion he won the prior week with a meaningless garbage TD at the end of the Monday night game that should have never happened. If not for greed, this team would be near the bottom of the standings as well. The Farm’s past 4 games have been decided by a combined 7 points, which is absolutely absurd. In addition, all 4 of these games came down to the final seconds of the Monday night game. Behind the scenes, Gambino’s favorite people at ESPN were orchestrating something that would crush hearts around the world.
With a little over two minutes remaining in the game, ESPN approached both Jeff Fisher and Jack Del Rio to notify them that they were hoping for some more TV timeouts. While Fisher scoffed at calling unnecessary timeouts, Del Rio jumped at this opportunity to suck at the teet that is the worst sports network in the world. Fisher wanted to take a knee to end the game, but Del Rio was having none of it. So instead of the game ending peacefully the Titans were given more opportunities to run the ball, and wouldn’t you know it on a 4th down play Chris Johnson rips off a 35 yard TD run and giving the Farm a 1 point victory.
EEB was sent into an absolute frenzy as he started to shake violently and curse out his fiancée. While she reminded him that he was doing better in his 14 other leagues with random internet phenoms, nothing could console him in his EFFL misery. This has to be one of the absolute most painful defeats I have ever seen in my life. To make matters worse, the next day I received a phone call that was nothing but a 10 minute rant on how fantasy football ruins lives and how he will never be the same or as innocent as he was before that sexual abuse. I’m sorry man. I know Nick wishes it was me or Lou that it happened to, but sometimes you just gotta take it and move on. You may get revenge when you guys meet up again in the final week of the season.
**** Week 7 Preview ****
The Stone Masons (2-4) v. Dueling Pylons (3-3):
Although these are my two favorite teams in the league, they do not win the game of the week award simply because there is just not enough beef between them. Heading into their last meeting, the Pylons had owned the Masons and defeated them in an EFFL record 8 straight games. Now these two teams sit at a crossroads. Each sits right in the thick of the wild card realm, yet each is dealing with their own problems. The bye weeks have caused all kinds of problems for each, and now each must show that they can use their reserves to get a win. This is such an important game, and a Masons win would really open things up for the rest of the league. This very well may come down to Felix Jones on Monday night against the Giants, but I think the Broncos passing game goes off this week against a Raiders secondary who was abused two weeks ago by the Pylons receivers. I’m looking for the Masons to take this one and get back into league contention after a slow start.
The King’s Crusaders (5-1) v. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-4):
After an impressive showing last week, the King has moved well ahead in the Odds division. I don’t know how he does it every year. 3 of his 5 wins have come when he scored fewer than 105 points. Any time I score less than 105 I get blown the fuck out. The last 7 times these teams have met, the King has averaged 140 points. Matt must be excited to see Andre Johnson on the bye this week. I really don’t know how I feel about this King squad. I think reputation alone is making a huge impact, but I’m really not all that impressed with the roster. Personally I think trading McFadden was a bad move. After all the love over the years for him, to let him go for a backup QB and Giants Steve Smith seems foolish to me. Nicks clearly is the guy in New York now, and Smith is nothing that special. These teams combined have 5 players going Sunday and Monday night so this will certainly be one to watch towards the end of the week. I think the Flacco-Boldin combo explodes this week and TPG takes this one. Represent the evens division well. After this week the King only has one out of division game left, so this is critical to create some distance if the divisional matchups go poorly.
Animals With Eyepatches (5-1) v. Maybe This Time (4-2):
These teams met 3 weeks ago when each was 3-0 and Jimish came out ahead in a battle that didn’t appear to be of 2 unbeatens. Sam is the only team that has scored 100+ in every single week thus far, so congratulations. I think this again will be a tight game, but the Eyepatches just look so strong right now. This game very well may come down to Monday night with Bradshaw and Witten going against Romo. 4 of the past 5 games between these two have been decided for 5 points or less and I expect nothing different this time around. The Eyepatches could be hurt, however, if the EFFL commissioner does decide to suspend Bowe for his illegal action last week. Maybe Brandon Marshall again this week can get every pass thrown his way and have 25 points before halftime. Maybe all of your players shouldn’t play at 1 o clock torturing the other team mercilessly for hours. Maybe Ryan Torain shouldn’t look like a coked out version of Ricky Williams in his picture. None of these things are going to happen this week, and the Eyepatches are going to continue to mow through this league at a record pace. And by mow I mean scoring 107 points since you’re playing Sam. PS Happy Birthday Jimish.
Stanky Monkeys (2-3-1) v. Johnson’s Farm (3-2-1):
I know this game may have appeared to be the game of the week, but it’s not. Nothing either team has done deserves any sort of special mention whatsoever. Both of these teams suck, and have been given far too many chances thus far. They met 4 weeks ago when a controversial scoring change left the first meeting in a tie. There is a lot of bad blood and this is a matchup where each team wants to win desperately. But, it may only take 90 points to win this one. This is actually a very important game for both teams, because if they end up tied in the standings, the winner of this game will have the tiebreaker over the other. And since the likelihood of there being another tie in the league is pretty small, we really could be talking about the last team in and last team out of the playoffs. Nick once again has a player going Monday night in Miles Austin. If this comes down to the end again I think we may lose an EFFL member due to stress. I’m picking the Monkeys just cause. Why not?
**** Game of the Week ****
Coach Janky Spanky (1-5) v. Tweeting In The Trenches (2-4):
Although this matchup features two teams at the bottom of the standings, this game is here for one reason and one reason only. Both of these teams suffered heartbreaking Monday night defeats at the hands of the Philly Moron. Each team is reeling right now, and neither can afford to slip any further than they already have. If EEB falls to 1-6 he will almost certainly be out of the playoffs. Likewise, Fusco can ill afford to have anyone below him pass him in the standings. Over the past 2 weeks these teams have scored the exact same number of points. Over the past 4 weeks these teams also have scored the exact same number of points. Even worse, a Fusco loss could put him below Sam for worst all time EFFL winning percentage. Other than playing each other, the only win either has gotten was by beating Lou. Precisely why I am a huge hater. I really think this will be the best game of the week and I guarantee the loser ends up in tears. Yet again EEB will have to wait to see what happens Monday night, and I think it’s going to be another week of misery, leaving EEB questioning his purpose in life yet again. I like TITTY to win this one and put some heat on the other playoff contenders.
Well that finally wraps up this massive document. I’ve hit the middle of page 5 in Word and this has set the record for longest blog ever. Hope you enjoyed it. Good luck this week.
No comments:
Post a Comment