The hype was there Monday afternoon. Only 1 of 5 EFFL matchups had been decided and it was primed for a wild Monday night affair between two potent offenses in the Cowboys and Panthers. What we got was a game that could not have been more boring. All 4 games that were up in the air saw the leading team gather a win. And to make matters worse, TPG went 14-2 in his work pick em and still lost because these offenses could not move the ball.
This past week saw a significant increase in my phone bill, as I received texts from almost the entire league talking trash. JIMISH WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!?!? I heard from every other league member this weekend about how brutal my team is. Strike that, I have not been receiving responses from EEB after his week 2 embarrassing defeat, enshrining him in the Hall of Shame. A mini tailgate also took place prior to the Chiefs/Eagles game between J5, TPG and the Pylons. Drinking in the rain ended when BG took off in a sprint towards the Linc to empty the tank. He described this relief as heaven. Buzz started to spread throughout the upper level as E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES chants were mixed in with the realization that the Lions were about to defeat the lowly Redskins and snap a 19 game losing streak. This had to have been Pete Kendall’s fault. On to the week 3 recap:
Johnson’s Farm 106 – Coach Janky Spanky 85:
Another week and another defeat for EEB. Janky Spanky is the first EFFL team to not have a win in their first 3 career EFFL games. This is historically bad. It appears the decision to go entirely with backup NFL players has backfired. It’s almost as if you showed up to the draft 3 rounds late and picked up from there. This team is in a world of hurt, and you don’t wanna see the highest scoring offense in the league the following week in their house. Even worse is that Janky Spanky has not been in the top half of team scoring in any week this season and is getting abused in the breakdown. EEB is still talking trash on the Pylons as if scoring 20 more points through 3 weeks is some masterful feat. I also received a text at 10 AM Sunday morning from the King claiming that Janky Spanky’s team was terrible and he was already out of the division race. I believe this is the first time in the 2009 season for any team, but Coach Janky Spanky has officially reached cupcake status. Congratulations. There is more to come later on in the blog about the Janky Spanky – Pylons hatred.
Although the Farm did not come close to matching the 175 point explosion from last week, Nick got enough points from a balanced attack to win convincingly. I’m still up in the air on this team. Using Dolphins, Bills, and Jaguars in your lineup will always have me perplexed. I think this will end up being a playoff squad but this team really has the feel of a hit or miss squad. Get hot at the right time and it could be dangerous. I also do not appreciate the low blows from Johnson’s Farm via text. Frank Gore is a dear friend of mine, and his health and well being as a human comes before my fantasy addiction.
Kiss Da Baby 137 – The Jackson Five 126:
Upon my arrival in the Wachovia Center parking lot Sunday, The Five were already complaining about the lack of involvement of Randy Moss in the Patriots offense. In a 30 second rant, the word Egelman was dropped approximately 8 times incorrectly. The Turner-Forte combo continued to be less than stellar. But this game came down to Monday night. The Romo/Prime nidge couldn’t come through and Kiss Da Baby moved to 3-0. This has to be a demoralizing loss for Brandon. After putting up 60 more points than the previous week and to still come away empty handed is a slap in the face. And from Sam no less. It seems that every year these teams get involved in a tight matchup around this time. Also for the first time this season Sam has spoken out against another team. Finally scoring a respectable amount, Sam took this opportunity to call out the Pylons via indirect text message. I can’t fault her though. Picking on the weak is my specialty. Kiss Da Baby now has opened up a 2 game lead in the evens division. A shocking revelation after this was sure to be a last place team.
Animals With Eyepatches 103 – Dueling Pylons 79:
This was a rough rough game to watch. These teams combined to have 11 of the 18 starters in single digits. Brian Westbrook didn’t even play. Frank Gore got hurt on his first touch. Felix Jones left the game with an injury, and the supposed Saints-Bills shootout turned into a disaster. For some reason I refuse to listen to the advice of one Matthew Atallian. No past or present Bills. It is a recipe for disaster. A note of fact: Coming into the 2009 season, the Pylons had a losing streak against only two teams… Lou and Jimish. Through 3 weeks these are the 2 teams the Pylons have lost to. There are greener pastures abound. The Eyepatches needed this victory to get out of the 0-2 hole they found themselves in. Right back in the thick of things, this must be a good feeling for Jimish. If he can win with 15 combined points from Brees, Westbrook, and Tron, things are looking up.
I would like to address the current situation of the greatest team known to man, the Dueling Pylons. Direct quotes from Coach Janky Spanky: “I’m not writing off the league. I’ve just had bad matchups and injuries so far. Cro’s team is the worst fantasy team I’ve seen and it annoys me he beat me. He will be in last place when all is said and done… guaranteed”. Also, “Cro’s injured lineup is better than his starting lineup from the draft. That team is pathetic.” For some reason I can’t avoid injuries like the plague. And for some reason, Sam Woody’s team always seems to remain completely healthy. Leaving the draft, I said to my competitors: “I think this is the worst team I’ve ever drafted.” I still believe that. But to get trash talked like that by the team alone in last place, a team who has never beaten me in fantasy football in any league, and a man who supports the team that just lost to the Detroit Lions is one of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life. I shit myself laughing so hard. I wish we could meet again so I could use an entire lineup of players against your team and still bitch slap you. I’ve never heard a bigger whiner in fantasy sports. You’re a welcome addition to the league. I hope you enjoy the EFFL’s real competition. As for the rest of you, do not sleep on the Pylons as this team is not looking to peak too early. There are some big games ahead.
Tweeting In The Trenches 90 – Stanky Monkeys 72:
Well this is how you do it Fusco. Come out and score 90 points to get your first win. Lou should be embarrassed by this. The backlash in the Monkeys front office was so violent, that Verizon had to send me a text in 2 parts to get across the full disaster that was Stanky’s Sunday. NO PAST OR PRESENT BILLS. Come on Lou. TO put up a huge goose egg. Let’s be honest here for a minute. This is one of the worst games the EFFL has seen in a long time. Only one player on either team scored more than 14 points. Aaron Rodgers scored 30 and won this game single handedly for Fusco. I’ve never seen a team more amped for a Monday night game in which he had no players than Fusco was Monday night. Lou needed 28 points from DeAngelo Williams to win. Not an impossible feat but definitely a difficult one. With the brutal game that was Monday night, DeAngelo didn’t even get close and TITTY had their first win of the season.
The biggest disaster occurred when the Monkeys could not figure out current technology… big surprise coming from a monkey. The Monkeys claim that he attempted to contact Nick Gambino to insert Brent Celek following the new that BWest would not play but that this attempt was in vain and it was too late. He guaranteed there won’t be any more collapses. This sounds like some shady business here. I also believe that Lou has an iPhone and could easily have contacted the commissioner. The Stanky Monkeys had a similar loss last year and turned it around last year so all is not lost.
Tequila Party Gnomes 138 – The King’s Crusaders 134:
Week 3’s game of the week was certainly that. In a matchup of unbeatens this game came down to the wire as the King needed 12 points from Nick Fizzolk to seal the win. After what looked like a sure 3 early in the game, Fizzolk booted a field goal wide right and the King never recovered. In a rare text message explosion, the King let his frustrations known, claiming “Schaub TD called back, missed fg, intentional grounding taking them out of fg range. Classic King luck.” What is truly unlucky is putting up 134 points and losing. This was a great game and definitely one to remember in the 2009 EFFL season. The Gnomes have been glowing all season. And even moreso, what they are most proud of is that they are doing it with Donald Driver and Derrick Mason in the starting lineup. TPG has been an absolute force in 2009, averaging 145 points per week through 3 weeks. The next highest scoring team has 60 points fewer than TPG. It’s almost impossible to imagine wishing for a better start to the season.
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*** Week 4 Preview ***
The commish was 4-1 in his picks last week. It’s a shame I can’t be as accurate in my own fantasy team’s projections.
Johnson’s Farm (2-1) vs. Animals With Eyepatches (1-2):
This is the matchup we’ve all been waiting for. The matchup of the two teams that didn’t show up at the draft. Neither has been overly impressive thus far outside of Johnson’s Week 2 massacre of the Stanky Monkeys. Each got a win last week following a strong defensive effort. The history between these two teams has also produced little in the way of explosiveness. Only once in these teams 7 meetings has either team cracked the 120 point barrier. What a battle this will be Monday night as Visanthe Shiancoe and Vikings Defense try to hold off Vikings kicker Ryan Longwell. It will be interesting to see if the Farm attempts this week to add Calvin Johnson via trade. Nick’s trade offers have been so bad that people have stopped responding. Pimping out bench players is a tactic that only the King and I can pull off. Regardless I don’t see much firepower coming from AEP this week. I’m taking the Farm, but not betting the ranch on it.
Stanky Monkeys (1-2) vs. The King’s Crusaders (2-1):
In a matchup of the two most winning franchises in EFFL history, one may have penciled this in as game of the week. But this year these teams are a combined .500 despite both being in the top 5 in the league in points. These teams have met an astounding 11 times including 3 playoff meetings. Both Stanky championships were won with victories over the King. These two teams always have a good matchup, but both could find themselves right in the middle of the pack with a Monkeys win instead of the usual with these teams at the top. Both teams are also going to be hit very hard with the byes in week 4: Matt Ryan, DeAngelo Williams, Larry Fitzgerald, Tony Gonzalez, Brent Celek, LeSean McCoy, Anquan Boldin, and Eagles defense will all be out of this matchup. But again this is another game that could come down to Monday night with both teams having Fudge Packers in their lineup. I think Stanky has run into some bad luck here as having so many byes against the King is tough to overcome. I’m picking the King in this one.
Kiss Da Baby (3-0) vs. Tweeting In The Trenches (1-2):
I’m just gonna come right out and say it. Looking at Fusco’s lineup he has already lost this game. The games themselves are nothing more than a formality as Sam will move to an unprecedented 4-0. In the past two seasons combined Sam has been a pitiful 4-23-1, but has somehow found the magical combo in 2009 with backup receivers and perennial Gnome Philip Rivers. A direct quote from Chris Fusco about this matchup: “3-0 Sam’s almost a 40 point underdog this week. Something tells me that her lucky streak is about to end.” Do you see what happens once you allow any team in the EFFL to get some swagger? I’m sure Fusco was cribwalking and dancing all over his apartment Monday night after the win and demanded a celebratory rubdown from his sleeping fiancée. Honestly I’m hoping for a tie in this game.
Coach Janky Spanky (0-3) vs. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-0):
If Vegas took bets on EFFL games, I’d be throwing down an entire paycheck on TPG here. I know that the Gnomes were desperate to have an expansion team win before he played EEB in week 4 so the pressure would be removed. Well with the Fusco inaugural victory, the Gnomes have smooth sailing ahead. Employing the single back, power formation with 2 TE’s, Matt is looking to embarrass longtime friend and rival EEB. As has been covered extensively in this blog, myself along with other league members believe that Janky Spanky has no business competing in the EFFL. To make matters worse, Janky Spanky is even joining the ranks of TPG Thursday night for some trivia. If EEB cracks 100 points this week I’ll be very surprised. I know that TPG loves a good Monday night beatdown, and with Peterson, Driver and Packers D on Monday night, I’m definitely smelling text message fury, more EEB whining, and cracking of canned Modelo via smash to the forehead following an All Day 80 yard TD rumble. I’ll be wearing the jersey Monday night in full support of the Gnomes. This should be a fun matchup.
***** Game of the Week *****
The Jackson Five (1-2) vs. Dueling Pylons (1-2):
This game has been anointed the game of the week for the simple reason that the loser of this game is going to be in absolute shambles. Both teams have been completely up and down and not once so far this season has either team come within 45 points of the other on a given week. So is another blowout to be expected this week? Is it the Pylons turn to put up 120+ this week? The history between these two teams has been totally lopsided. The Pylons have won 7 straight games and have not lost to the Five since Week 2 of 2005. Over these 7 meetings the Pylons have averaged 130 points to the Five’s 91. But history means nothing in these current economic times. This is a huge divisional matchup that both teams need. The Pylons will have to sit and watch during the 1 o clock games as the Five build their lead, but look for this to be a back and forth affair culminating with former Buckeye and unwanted star Santonio Holmes having an enormous game on national TV Sunday night. I think the Pylons even their record at 2-2 this week.
That concludes an intense week 3 review and week 4 preview. Again I plan to release these sooner, but work schedule dictates the release date. Writing a 5 page essay each week does take some time. I look forward to the trash talk and banter each Sunday. Nick, please stop proposing awful trades.
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