Well it’s good to finally be back in the swing of things in the Fantasy season. Opponents are talking all kinds of smack and we need a new champion in the league. No Woodys. No Sarcones. No Gambino or EEB or Fusco. No Jimish. No TPG. Just me or BG. I can live with that. After what I believe was the best draft to date (please send me $10), the anticipation for this season was at a fever pitch. We have 9 legitimate contenders this year, which I will expand upon as we get further into this article.
Another exciting aspect to look forward to this season is the premier of Commish teaser picks. Coupled with the Party Gnomes, we are trying to make a mockery of legal sports gambling in Delaware with 3+ team teaser parlays. Last week proved to be successful as we are now ahead $320 for the season. This week’s action will be on Dallas -3.5, Atlanta -1.5, and San Diego -1.5. We will be looking to double profits. On to the fantasy results from week 1:
Tweeting In The Trenches 147 – Stanky Monkeys 77:
Well I certainly did not see this sort of outburst coming from tweety. I received a drunken phone call after the giants game and from the sound of it it seems that Fusco may have given Hakeem Nicks fellatio. This has to be encouraging for titty as one who fell short of the playoffs last season. Meanwhile I believe the stanky monkeys forgot he was not playing me. I was taunted with Wes Welker nonsense but unfortunately the rest of his team did absolutely nothing. To add insult to injury Ryan Grant was lost for the season. This was a beatdown at its finest, and I was very pleased to see this result. Only way to describe this game is nasty.
Johnson’s Farm 127 – Dueling Pylons 92:
For the first time since the Laveraneus Coles era the farm has knocked off the pylons. What was supposed to be a great start to a championship pylons season turned into a disaster. Chris Johnson did his usual second half outburst, but this game was close heading into the Sunday night game. Then Miles Austin struck for 30 points and that was that. This is the only time these teams meet this season but I have a feeling that they could easily meet again in the playoffs. The banter was nonstop and these are always great matchups.
Maybe This Time 107 – The Stone Masons 75:
Here's one. Here's one. If you had to guess who faced the leagues low score who would you guess? Sam would be like -300 to face the low score in any given week. Maybe this time is a joke. This is by far the luckiest team in the league and she's asking for more? Ridiculousness. You can't really blame the stone masons here. Losing a qb and having a starting running back benched would most likely seal anyones fate. To make matters worse I have to get constant Facebook feeds about how great Sams team is and her upcoming "class x2". Please. I still think the masons could come alive. A great receiving core and healthy beanie wells could be dangerous.
Animals With Eyepatches 128 – Tequila Party Gnomes 105:
What a showing from the eyepatches. Having jimish at the draft is always scary for other owners. I really like his squad this year. He shocked many by selecting roddy white so early but thus far it has paid dividends. Meanwhile the gnomes have to be a little disappointed with this effort. A huge game from ochocinco couldn't salvage a win. Ecstatic on draft day that Steven Jackson slipped to the second round, that could end up being the pick that makes or breaks the gnomes season. These teams as usual will meet again week 13 in a pivotal divisional matchup. There is sure to be some hostility after this game.
The King’s Crusaders 104 – Coach Janky Spanky 100:
This actually turned out to be the best game of week 1. The classic battle between tutor and pupil turned out to be heartbreak for Coach Janky Spanky. Heading into Monday night, Janky Spanky needed only 35 points from 3 of his top 4 picks: Ray Rice, Ryan Mathews, and Antonio Gates. Surely this seemed like a lock as ESPN had them projected for well over 60 points. But this is what happens when you rely on a guy who has never played a down in the NFL before. Mathews, as he did all preseason, looked pedestrian. Even still, with a strong first half showing from Gates, Janky Spanky still looked to be in control. But on this night it was not meant to be. There were no meaningless 8 yard Greg Olsen catches. There was nothing that could save EEB from the humiliation faced in week 1. The King escaped with another win, but in time this team will need to be better if they want to prove they are a contender in this league.
Week 2 Preview
Maybe This Time (1-0) vs. Johnson’s Farm (1-0):
I say this frequently, but I think if I had to rank lists this would be #1 on the “Why can’t both teams lose?” list. Somehow according to ESPN, Sam is a 64 point favorite. Absolutely ridiculous. Nick has virtually the same team as last year except with Miles Austin instead of Andre Johnson, and a slight improvement at QB with Brady. While he was not a championship caliber squad, week in and week out was always a tough matchup. Sam meanwhile as usual has a team of clowns. A bunch of below average weeks and then one explosion; most likely on BG. I predict a low scoring game this week, and am expecting something like a 96-87 win for Maybe This Time. We all know she will be facing the low score of the week.
Animals With Eyepatches (1-0) vs. Tweeting In The Trenches (1-0):
This is an interesting matchup here. The two highest scoring teams from Week 1 square off for right to be named the early favorite of the league. I would not have believed it would be these two teams fighting for that title, however. While I am a little skeptical on the Fusco side, I think Jimish’s squad could be for real. With solid depth and a great 1-2 combo at WR, it could finally be the year that the Eyepatches make some noise in the EFFL. With Randy Moss on
Tequila Party Gnomes (0-1) vs. Stanky Monkeys (0-1):
Wow. That’s the first word that comes to my mind when I see these team names and 0 wins among them. Taking a deeper look reveals that the Stanky Monkeys team is truly one of the worst fantasy squads I have ever seen in a 10 team league. You truly have to be either that good at fantasy, or drunk in AC to pick a squad like that. I’m not sure which it was that happened this year. To add insult to injury, the Monkeys lost Ryan Grant for the season to an ankle injury. The Stanky Monkeys hit the waiver wire this week with a fury. This team is in total shambles right now. Meanwhile, TPG will be looking to bounce back after a crushing defeat with #1 arch rival Jimish. I look for a big game this week from the Ravens passing duo, and I would be honestly shocked if TPG didn’t come out ahead here. The Stanky Monkeys have time to right the ship, but right now things do not look good.
The King’s Crusaders (1-0) vs. The Stone Masons (0-1):
This is always an intriguing matchup to me. Based on league history the King has outperformed the Masons with the exception of one season. This game is going to be a shootout, bottom line. Both teams have fantastic matchups and I could easily see the loser of this game putting up 130 points. Something just gives me a bad feeling that it’s going to be the Stone Masons on the wrong side of the coin. I think things would be much improved if the Masons were to insert Derrick Mason into his lineup. I know I personally have been jonesing for him for almost a month now. I think this game is going to come down to the Masons running backs, which may be the case in most weeks. This is one of those weeks where I think they come through for him. I like the McNair division yet again to pull this one out.
**** GAME OF THE WEEK ****
Coach Janky Spanky (0-1) vs. Dueling Pylons (0-1):
This has always been a classic tie despite these teams only meeting once in EFFL history. Last year’s game featured the Pylons sporting 5 Rams while defeating Janky Spanky. Nightmares of Frank Gore haunted Janky Spanky for much of the season. Famous quotes such as “He’s garbage. If it weren’t for his long runs his stats would be no good.” Sadly for EEB, long runs count too. To make matters worse this year, we will have to wait for a Frank Gore repeat until Monday night when the 49ers face the Saints. The Pylons have a remarkable 4 players going night, so surely they will be down heading into the final game. The wildcard here is Arian Foster.
Well, sorry for the late posting of the blog. For whatever reason, I like all 5 McNair division teams to claim victories this week. I think the league is extremely balanced this year and am really looking forward to it. Light up the message board at will.
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