Monday, September 26, 2016

Savage Behavior




No need to waste any time. #BillsMafia with a Macho Man Randy Savage elbow drop is just straight fire. I'm pretty impressed. That's a thick table with a thick dude on it. Couldn't have been easy to break.

Lots of exciting things happened in Week 3. Cam Newton out here looking like the Monopoly man:


And it's just crazy. You think you know who's good and who's bad? Then the Bills come out and smack down the Cardinals. The league is wide open this year. And you know Cutter is sitting there thinking the Pats are going 16-0 again.

But how bout the Eagles? They're actually really, really good. Through 3 games they have a +65 point differential. The next best in the league is New England at +36. It's amazing how different a team looks when you get good QB play.



It's just a fun time. I just hope Wentz doesn't have the kiss of death by being on DP. Even more shocking is how the Ravens, who are absolutely awful, are 3-0. I can't believe it. They are +13 in point differential against the Bills, Browns, and Jaguars. Bet the ranch against them. They're a complete mule.


Beef of the Week: Odell Beckham Jr.

This was a long time coming. It's almost embarrassing to watch this guy, and you almost kinda feel a bit sorry for him. He tries WAAAAAAAY too hard to prove to everyone that he's not gay. You know the moment when you clinch your beef of the week:







Opponents are going to pick up very, very quickly that the guy is a complete mental midget and he's easily rattled. You can get him to commit dumb penalties so easy. He's on the sideline fighting a kicking net because he's furious. Blew his top on Elisha and just yelling randomly on the sideline. He's the guy that other teammates look at and instead of "Come on Odell, let's go get them. We got this", it's "psssh, look at this clown acting a fool". He's losing respect around the league quickly.

And I'm not even gonna bring up his tickle fight with Dez, or his tryout for DWTS at Drake's pad over the summer. Just a total loser. And a perfect Giant.



Power Rankings

 We've had a bit of separation this week. Teams




Sorry. We might have some good teams. Let's get it. Also, shoutout Mike Y. HOW COULD YOU CUT R.KELLY?!?!?! That's my Robert, always peein' on people.

14. The Old Ball Sack (0-3) - Last week: 10. Defending chump is back in the doghouse. This is basically what I expected for your team. Maybe not this bad, but at 0-3, this team is a ways from contention.

13. Geno 911 (1-2) - Last week: 14. If Mike Y's team didn't do so poorly, you might've held onto your spot. The Middle East looks wild. I look forward to your snapchat of you in a headdress, which I will save for the lottery next year.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (1-2) - Last week: 13. Le'Veon is back. Brady is almost back. This team is going to look a lot better with those two in the Mixx. I know you have the Jacksons, but be like me and try to enjoy some Johnsons.

11. Harambe Was Set-Up (2-1) - Last week: 9. I don't know, man. I'm a bit concerned with this roster. The Raiders don't have the flash they had last year, and Gronk is screwing you. Things should improve, but tough for now.

10. Team Bartholomew (0-3) - Last week: 12. Winless and without 2 high picks, things are tough. But you have good players still and you're putting up points. Usually that translates to wins.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-3) - Last week: 8. Rodgers is on fire, but needs some help. Would be great if 1st round pick Jamaal Charles got into the action. Like Tatz, putting up points and better days ahead.

8. Pork Chop Express (1-2) - Last week: 11. You love the Cowboys. They don't get to play the Bears every week, but they look decent. ARob also finally showed up, which is good. I do question your depth. Bye weeks are going to be rough, and any injury will be devastating.

7. The King's Crusaders (2-1) - Last week: 6. As I said last week, I was unsure. Leaning a little more towards work needs to be done. Maclin and JT will have better weeks, but consistency may be a problem. Jordy was a great pick. Great pick for me last year too.

6. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-0-1) - Last week: 7. EEB is furious at your luck. No losses through 3 weeks is pretty exciting.

5. Stanky Monkeys (2-1) - Last week: 2.  I think the top 5 could really be in any order at this point. Tough break on Snead. My concern for your team is even more strong. What do you do at RB?

 4. ROLL THE DICE (3-0) - Last week: 3. Barely moving down, but you're certainly in the mix of top teams. Despite a goose from Kelvin, Mike Evans and Marvin Jones stepped up. It's crazy how good Jones has been. Wish I had him.

 3. Dueling Pylons (3-0) - Last week: 5. Pylons are 3-0 for the first time since 2012. A little thin at WR, but with the way RBs are going down, the depth is key. The DJ/AB combo is for real.

 2. Team BG (2-1) - Last week: 4. Never thought a team with Fozzy Whittaker would be #2, but here it is. The run and shoot is working very well, even though Derek Carr has been underwhelming. In a good spot.

 1. A Lot O'Tatz (2-0-1) - Last week: 1. Still up top. Again no reason to move this team, even with losing your 1st round pick. That's how strong this team is. We'll see how you hold up.


Week 4 Matchups
DP v. Stanky Monkeys
Bartholomew v. TITTY
King v. Cutty
Ball Sack v. Harambe
BG v. Lobitz
EEB v. Gambino
TPG v. D-WEEZE

Some big matchups this week. TPG, Gambino, Tatz all need wins or could fall behind. But it's early. 7 teams get in. Looking forward to another fun week.
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Tuesday, September 20, 2016

2 Weeks and It's Gone to Shit


Sorry for the delay in posting the blog. Eagles Monday night gets way too rowdy. Also a lot of great fantasy games this week.

***** ALERT ***** PLEASE VOTE FOR WGF *****

 I highly encourage all of you to vote for We Global Football in the Football Blogging Awards.  Just type "We Global Football" in the Best International Blog section and vote. If we get nominated, Matt and I are likely headed to Manchester, England for the awards at Old Trafford. It's actually mandatory before you read on.

Wow that was an unreal week 2. Nobody took it harder than A.B. Tatz. Lost Woodhead for the season, lost Arian Foster to a groin injury, and lost by 1 point after getting nothing from either back. Just brutal. But that's the name of the game now. Guys get injured absolutely all the time. Peterson tore his meniscus. Ameer Abdullah went down with a foot injury. Doug Martin hurt his vag. It's not right.

But this shit happens every year. Guys drop like flies and you're left starting Kapri Bibbs and watching an inferior product. Hopefully this rate doesn't continue because it sucks. Two more QBs also went down.

I almost had my beef of the week w Scott Hansen this week, but he narrowly escaped. I really think he doesn't understand how scoring works. Dolphins down 8 w a Hail Mary, and it's "Tannehill with one shot to see if the Dolphins can beat the Patriots for the first time in..." Are TDs now worth 9 points? Guy tries to add unnecessary drama and facts that are just made up. I don't get it at all. Year after year, this guy with arguably the most important job in football television just does not understand how these things work.

His highlight this week, however, emerged w a garbage time TD from . His comment after the TD? "If you had cxxxxxxx on your fantasy team, I feel sorry for your drafting skills". Are you kidding? So if you're cuffing in the club, and you actually picked the guy who scores TDs, you're terrible at drafting and ripe for insults? That doesn't add up at all. But he just doesn't understand.

I know that it was already 120 hours ago, but Bills Mafia is BACK! 24 hours before game time, the RV lot was already sold out as people excreted all kinds of bodily fluids in preparation. Here are some highlights ahead of another great season.










Also congratulations are in order for new papa Matthew James Atallian on future gnome Jackson Henry. And a special thank you to Katie for holding out. Poor Tatz had me pick his players and now they're all hurt.


 Beef of the Week: TJ Ward

This blog has been mostly about brutality. And nobody is a bigger asshole than TJ Ward. It is absolutely remarkable that this guy is still allowed to play in the league after all of the guy's he's intentionally injured. This week, it was Geno 911's Donte Moncrief taking a brutal hit and knocking him out for a couple weeks. Here's a brief history of TJ Ward's cheap shots:









http://denver.cbslocal.com/2014/05/22/prized-free-agent-with-broncos-now-a-wanted-man/

And finally, his shot on Moncrief:


This guy is such a piece of shit. He's targeted guys, been fined, suspended, beat a stripper. It's an absolute joke that he's allowed to keep playing in the league when they're supposedly focused on player safety.


Power Rankings

14. Geno 911 (0-2) - Last week: 5. This feels right. I can't believe some of the players that are in your lineup. Wow.

13. Bo$$town Cutter (1-1) - Last week: 12. Squeaked out a 1 point win v Tatz which was huge. You do have Brady and Bell sitting on the bench which could pay dividends. But not much to write home about thus far.

12. Team Bartholomew (0-2) - Last week: 4. This is mostly due to injury. Losing Woodhead, Foster, Ertz, Ivory thus far is really rough. Hopefully Foster and Ertz are back soon.

11. Pork Chop Express (0-2) - Last week: 13. #1 WR and #1 TE through two weeks and you're 11th in the standings. Tells you a lot about the rest of your team.

10. The Old Ball Sack (0-2) - Last week: 14. Encouraging performance, but rough loss to Dosh. Have about 2 weeks til Travis Benjamin goes out for the year.

9. Harambe Was Set Up (1-1) - Last week: 10. Rookies aren't looking too bad. But virtually nothing yet from your top picks. Could potentially round into form soon.




8. Tequila Party Gnones (0-2) - Last week: 9. Couldn't hold off Stanky Monkeys in one you deserved. Jamaal C has to be ready soon. Fucking Andy.

7. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-0-1) - Last week: 11. The #1, 3 and 4 RBs? That's wild. I think your team looks pretty decent, but with DeAngelo almost done his run, let's see if you keep it up. Trending up for sure.

6. The King's Crusaders (2-0) - Last week: 3. Still not sure about this team. Will most likely settle somewhere in the middle of the pack, but a couple gems still on the bench.

5. Dueling Pylons (2-0) - Last week: 6. Corey Coleman is a stud, but needs someone to throw him the ball. Big 2 can pop off any week. Bills and Browns, baby!

4. Team BG (1-1) - Last week: 7. Very thin at RB with J-Stew going down. But Josh Gordon is due back soon and the rest of the squad is shaping up nicely. Eagles D is a steal.

3. ROLL THE DICE (2-0) - Last week: 8. I'm a believer. Kelvin Benjamin is tearing shit up. And if Russell Wilson gets it together, this team will be much better. Matt Forte will soon be hurt.

2. Stanky Monkeys (2-0) - Last week: 2. Only criticism would be 2 RBs on the roster total that are playing football right now. That could turn south quick, but very solid top to bottom.

1. A Lot O'Tatz (1-0-1) - Last week: 1. "FUSCO IS SO LUCKY". Yeaaa that's what he does. Had a pretty rough week, but still looking good to me. I'd expect things to improve sooner than later. Still my choice.


Week 3 Matchups
Pylons v. TPG
Harambe v. GamGeno
EEB v. D-Sheetz
Foosco v. Sarcone
Tatz v. BG
Lobitz v. Cutty
Dosh v. Woody


Let's get it. This season is off to a hot start.

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Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Wentz for MVP



The NFL is back! And Carson "The Real Deal" Wentz is here to carve up the Browns. Super Bowl baby!!! At least 4 separate times throughout week 1, I thought to myself “well that’s the clear beef of the week right there”. I had truly forgotten how many frustrating things happen on a single Sunday. Eventually, I settled on one, but man was it tough. I haven’t even lost my shit on Scott Hansen yet!

Before we get there, I highly encourage all of you to vote for We Global Football in the Football Blogging Awards.  Just type "We Global Football" in the Best International Blog section and vote. If we get nominated, Matt and I are likely headed to Manchester, England for the awards at Old Trafford. It's actually mandatory before you read on.


Beef #1: How bout that ESPN app, huh! Been preparing for football since February, and as soon as people need to use it, the whole thing goes dark. It was infuriating. I got complaints from no less than 8 league members, like I’m the one who manages the app. “Are we switching sites”, “How do I know how bad Mike Y’s scrubs are beating me”, “When will the app be back up”? All questions I received. ESPN did a terrible job, as usual. We’re not switching sites yet, but I’ll keep this in the back of my mind for the future.

Beef #2: Offseason injury reports are absolute garbage. Teams keep things concealed until the NFL forces them to release information. That is absolute bullshit. Guys like Jamaal Charles, Gronk, DeVante Parker “weren’t ready” for Week 1. Now Sammy Watkins is “dealing with significant pain”. Why couldn’t you let us know that before the EFFL draft? Would it have given your Week 1 opponent that much of an advantage? This is arguably worse than the guy who gets injured after the draft. These were not new injuries. They were just blatant lies. That’s not fair to the public.

Beef #3: Ben Lobitz. I’ve never seen someone so excited to bet on the Jaguars to win a game. Even after informing you that I had already teased the Packers to even money, you decided to make a wager for us on the Jaguars, ensuring that I’m a loser. I know this was the most likely outcome to begin with, but at least give me a shot, man. That’s cold.

Shoutout ESPN for the honor:






 Broadway Cro’s Bad Beat of the Week™: In previous said teaser, we had the Titans +8.5 at home against Shaun Hill and the Vikings. Up 10-0 at the half, the Titans proceeded to allow 0 offensive TDs and still lose the parlay. The icing on the cake was the Titans scoring a TD to pull within 9, and then Mike “Cut the” Mularkey deciding to go for 2 for some ungodly reason. Thank you, Mike. I look forward to fading you in the future.

But believe it or not, that was not the Bad Beat of the Week. That comes courtesy of the Indianapolis Colts, who I can’t even describe how happy I am that I did not have. This was one of the worst I’ve ever seen. The Colts were a field goal favorite at home against the Lions. So teased, they were getting 2.5 points. The Lions were up by 6 points. The Colts drove down and scored a TD with just 37 seconds left in the game, and the extra point gave them a 1 point lead.

The Lions were trying frantically to stage a comeback. A quick pass here, a quick pass there. Staffy-Poo absolutely losing his shit:



The Lions got into range for about a 50 yarder to win the game with 8 seconds left. Matt “Fat” Prater drills the kick with 4 seconds left on the clock to put the Lions up 2. On the ensuing kickoff, the Colts try the play where you throw it backwards a million times with the clock at 0. About 20 seconds into this disaster, somehow, a Colts player ended up running around with the ball in the end zone. He threw a forward pass. When you throw an illegal forward pass from the end zone, it counts as a safety. The play ended, and the Lions were awarded ANOTHER 2 points, winning the game by 4. The Colts were winning the game with 8 seconds left, did not allow a touchdown, and somehow lost by more than 2 points in regulation. Absolutely incredible.

As a bonus, I bet on Alistair Saturday night:





Beef of the Week: Finally! He’s gotten to it after chewing my ear off with some gambling nonsense. My beef of the week occurred Sunday night, watching the Cardinals and Patriots. After forcing and recovering a Jimmy Garricks fumble, the Cardinals celebrated, just like any other play. And out comes the flag. What was the flag for, you ask?

15 yards for a “choreographed demonstration”. Those were the exact words used by the referee. And Cris Collinsworth immediately is spewing “That’s the correct call!!!!” What fucking sport are we playing here? Bunch of white guys sitting around a table determined that hey, we can’t have any choreographed demonstration. That’s detrimental to our product. Are you kidding me? My beef is mostly due to the fact that a referee is called in to action and forced to determine if a celebration was choreographed or not. Is it OK to dance if you don’t plan it or if you’re not doing the same dance? How is this real life?

My biggest question in all of this is “WHO CARES?!?!?” Why does anyone care if players have a celebration dance? What’s next? No choreographed handshakes? No choreographed chest bumps? The NFL needs to get it together on these celebrations. It’s an absolute farce. Somehow, also, Antonio Brown was penalized for twerking. Didn't use the ball as a prop. It wasn't a choreographed demonstration. It wasn't a group celebration. They need to stop this shit for real.

I’m going to keep the team blurbs short this year. You know if your team sucks or not.


 JOCKS WHO ARE COCKS
A running list of potential fantasy adds who think that disrespecting a country will get racist cops to no longer be racist, because somebody has to take a stand against America on 9/11.

- Colin Kaepernick
- Arian Foster
- Kenny Stills


Power Rankings

 14. The Old Ball Sack (0-1) – Last week: 13. I’d wager some money that you don’t pick draft location next year. Could it be your classic case of first to worst? A lot of work to do here.

13. Pork Chop Express (0-1) – Last week: 11. Thought to himself, “I really want to start 2 Cowboys rookies Week 1”. Slept with a Tony Romo poster last night.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (0-1) – Last week: 10. Those injuries hurt. I think better days lie ahead but don’t get in too big of a hole.

11. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-0) – Last week: 9. Unlike Cutter, you’re about to get a lot worse. DeAngelo and Ware are on borrowed time. Keenan Allen is done for the year. In desperate need of WR help already.

10. Harambe Was Set-Up (1-0) – Last week: 12.  Pretty solid first week and still only ended up w 110. Getting Gronk back will be huge. I’m still uncertain on your team and could easily move up.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-1) – Last week: 2. Might be a bit low here. A lot of teams are close in quality. Very interested in Breshad P. He made a nice grab. Defense and kicker let you down. Not bad otherwise.

8. ROLL THE DICE (1-0) – Last week: 14. I guess I was too harsh. If Kelvin Benjamin is back in form, I think your team looks a lot better. Marvin Jones is gonna have a nice season since Golden Tate is absolutely awful.

7. Team BG (0-1) – Last week: 3. Solid roster. I’m moving you down a bit, but only 36 from Julio, Demaryius and Landry is awful low. Most weeks will be better. Keep your head up.

6. Dueling Pylons (1-0) – Last week: 6. Insisted on Bills and Browns. They all did terrible, but the rest of the roster looks like it could be pretty solid. Better weeks ahead for sure.

5. Geno 911 (0-1) – Last week: 4. Another year with the same story. Got hammered and forgot to draft a bench. You have so many guys I would never want to root for.

4. Team Bartholomew (0-1) – Last week: 7. Wish I drafted Danny Woodhead for myself. Too much WR talent for that low of a score. Your team will be a force in no time.

3. The King’s Crusaders (1-0) – Last week: 8. I’m sure this will be the year Matt Ryan has a career year. Just another classic squad. High draft pick is injured, yet you still win. Then he comes back and nobody wants to play you.

2. Stanky Monkeys (1-0) – Last week: 5. 32 from Willie Snead?!?!? Get out of here. Unbelievable performance. That Langford/Mathews RB combo is solid. Drafted well, and I think you’ve got a lot of wins ahead.

1. A Lot O’Tatz (1-0) – Last week: 1. No reason to move you from the top spot. All Day put up 3 points and you still went hammer time on Lobitz. Edelman, Baldwin, and Sanu seems unfathomable as one of the best WR trios in the league, but it’s true. Stud Theo Riddick on the bench could also be a huge boost. Well done.


 Week 2 Matchups
Lobitz v. Pylons
King v. Gambino
BG v. Phil
TITTY v. EEB
Adam v. Adam
Stanky v. TPG
DOSH v. D-Sheetz


See you all for the blog next weekend.
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Sunday, August 28, 2016

EFFL Season 13 Coming in Hot


The EFFL Draft is in the books! Believe it or not, the most painful thing for me was not having my horse finish in 3rd, followed by a mandatory eating of a habanero. The worst was handing the prized EFFL trophy to Mike Y. So, so painful. The guy certainly earned it last year. I just looked at the record books, and his team was 13-2, including the playoffs. That's an unbelievable record.

Even more impressive, he started the season 2-2. He finished the season with 11 straight wins and didn't lose after the beginning of October. One of the most impressive seasons in the EFFL to date.

And how did he celebrate? By spending about 3 hours at Rick's with D-Weeze, where apparently "these Russian chicks wouldn't let me leave!" This is not the first time that Rick's has been mentioned in a blog. You can search it in the top left, but they refused to show Giants games previously because Eli was so bad. Ironically, Eli is Mike Y's QB. Yet he seemed to love Rick's. As is frequently the case, Fusco was not pleased with this selection.

Back to the draft, we had a nice section with plenty of space to go wild. A special thanks to tired Papa EEB for putting in work on the draft board. It was much appreciated while I maintained the virtual draft board. We NEED a sticker bitch. I think everyone would be extremely happy if we just each pitched in $5-10 bucks to get someone to do it.


 Beef of the Week: Draft Rowdiness

This is a minor beef. Young beef, like veal. Our waitress repeatedly complemented the courtesy of the EFFL participants. There was another draft going on downstairs and she said they were vicious savages. She didn't even want to go down there. Even after the open bar was over, she continued to feed us free beer and refused to accept our money. I view this as a negative. The animals drafting in the downstairs room were popping off. Drafting with authority. I know we can get on that level. We should be on that level. Let's step it up.


As is frequently the case, I'll provide a draft recap of each team and who I expect to do good and bad.

Tweeting in the Trenches - Big ups for getting the space. I assume you spat on the floor of Rick's, even though I have no confirmation. I think your team is decent. I don't think it's the best squad, but certainly not the worst. If Keenan Allen can stay healthy, I think you have a real nice trio of receivers. RB group as a whole has a lot of question marks. You QB and TE are over 70 years old combined. That is definitely risky.

Best Pick: Christine Michael. Love him as a sleeper
Worst Pick: DeMarcus Murray. Could easily lose the starting job to Derrick Henry at any point.
Overall Grade: C+


Team BG - Gambino must've asked about 20 times if you were gonna take any non-WRs. Hard to have beef with any of the first 4 picks, however. If Josh Gordon is playing, which it looks like he is, he's a monster. You could easily, easily end up with 4 top 15 receivers. That's always your strategy. Just need the other pieces to come together. Derek Carr might be good enough.

Best Pick: Josh Gordon. I think he's off the drugs.
Worst Pick: Rashad Jennings. Needed an RB, but he's 31 and always seems to break down.
Overall Grade: B+


Dueling Pylons - GET OUT OF THIRD!!! PLEASE!! PLEASE!!! For those not in attendance, whichever horse finished 3rd in the lottery race had to suck down a habanero. It was me. Came into the draft pouring sweat. It was fun. Probably not my best draft, but not my worst at all. I've done it yet again. 2 Bills, 2 Browns. Been my Achilles heel since inception, and I keep going back to the well. I do like both teams this year, however.

Best Pick: Tyrod Taylor. Getting arguably the best QB in the league in the 7th round is a steal.
Worst Pick: Devin Funchess. 6th round is probably a little early, but the WR core was bare.
Overall Grade: B-


Old Ball Sack - Another fantastic showing from Mike Y. That's just in terms of drunk booty seeking. Won the championship with a Julio/Lamar Miller/BMarsh core. Kept the last two and replace Julio with Hopkins. Hard to argue with those 3, but I'm a little more concerned this year. Going double Texans is risky, and despite having a monster season last year, BMarsh is 32. He's getting up there. I'm really not a fan of any of your other picks. At all. I think you need those big 3 to repeat their seasons to have a shot.

Best Pick: DeAndre Hopkins
Worst Pick: Coby Fleener in the 4th round. Just a terrible pick.
Overall Grade: D+


A Lot O'Tatz
This poor guy was exhausted. Having a month old baby will do that to you. Despite running the board, your selections were pretty solid. I think I tried to pick Mohamed Sanu about 4 times. Also a great snag in round 15 with Artis-Penis. You got guys who have been in the league and look like they could peak this year. WR core isn't flashy, but it's good. Only real concern for me is the depth at RB. If Peterson or McCoy don't deliver, I don't know where you turn. Overall nice job.

Best Pick: Doug Baldwin. I know he was a keeper, but to get that quality WR that late is awesome.
Worst Pick: Bilal Powell. Don't think he gets enough opportunities.
Overall Grade: A


Geno 911 - I thought you left the Hofbrau Bierhaus to chase ladies. Only later did I find out you were too close to puking up Jamo shots. I advise you to keep this shot strategy up at future drafts. I know you'll be surprised, but I'm actually going to compliment your draft. It's a bold strategy, Cotton, to go after a bunch of former Pylons in Luck and Gurley, but you might end up with the #1 RB and QB. Can't hate on that. Even Barnidge and Markus Wheaton aren't that bad. I think you'll be competitive.

Best Pick: Andrew Luck. No reason for him to last that long.
Worst Pick: Mike Wallace. I think he's out of the league.
Overall Grade: B+


Harambe Was Set-Up - I kid you not, I was about to type "how long til this team name changes to something with Harambe?" and then looked at the team name. Went right back to both Raiders. It worked well last year. I imagine you and BG were sitting together talking about how much you both loved the Raiders and how good they are. I am not a fan of your RBs at all. Everyone at the draft kept saying "are we gonna draft Devonta Freeman?", and everyone just shook their heads, because nobody wanted to risk getting him. He wasn't durable, and that really hurt you last year. I think you could run into trouble with a lot of rookie WRs.

Best Pick: Amari Cooper. He's a stud.
Worst Pick: Sterling Shepard. Way too early.
Overall Grade; C-


Stanky Monkeys - My favorite draft experience every single year. Lou proudly makes a selection. Hears groans from the audience, defends the pick. Then immediate silence. Then a couple picks pass. Then "Do you really think that was a bad pick?" Then a couple more minutes. Then self-doubt followed by regret. It's incredible to watch the process. This year's selection of Dion Lewis was that pick. I actually think you did pretty solid. Going double Ravens receivers is pretty funny. RBs are certainly a question mark. Could go either way.

Best Pick: Ryan Mathews. At that spot, it's really good value for a guy who figures to get a ton of work.
Worst Pick: Dion Lewis. He's out for at least half the year.
Overall Grade: B


Bo$$town Cutter - Using two of your first 5 picks on players out 3 and 4 weeks is not smart. You're making it extra difficult on yourself. I actually like your picks and think after week 4 you'll be one of the better teams in the league. I'm concerned that you may be digging to big of a hole. Also very thin at RB, and given your top two both ended last year on IR, that could become a problem. I'd like your team much better if the guys weren't suspended.

Best Pick: Brady. 5th round you might as well.
Worst Pick: Vincent Jackson. He needs to retire.
Overall Grade: C


D-WEENIS - Set a new league record for most consecutive picks of players who scored 0 NFL TDs the year before. Took 3 defenses. I'll be honest: I think you've got a lot of work to do. It's almost a best-case scenario for all of your picks to justify their draft position. But your roster is extremely thin. I'd be shocked if you end the season with more than 6 or 7 guys you drafted. Maybe you'll surprise.

Best Pick: Marvin Jones. Actually like the pick.
Worst Pick: Melvin Gordon. Has done nothing to justify being selected that high.
Overall Grade: D-


Team Bartholomew - Congrats on the new baby. I drafted your team so obviously I love it. I've seen Cobb way too low on rankings. He had a rough year because Jordy was hurt, but he's a stud. Woodhead was the #3 RB last year and he'll catch a ton of passes again. If your guys stay healthy, you'll be a good team.

Best Pick: Randall Cobb
Worst Pick: Rishard Matthews. Sorry we got drunk towards the end.
Overall Grade: B-


Pork Chop Express - Constantly feeling oppressed by the league. Told me I'm telling people to pick your keepers, meanwhile you and Matt were scheming all night. I'll leave you with some Rozay.
I really liked your draft last year, but I do not feel the same way this year. Took 4 rookie RBs and 3 second-year RBs. No veteran leadership on this team. QB situation is not good. I think you have some work to do. Certainly not a lost cause, but work to do.

Best Pick: Greg Olsen
Worst Pick: Jordan Matthews. Guy can't catch a cold.
Overall Grade: C


Tequila Party Gnomes - Another classic TPG performance. UND LITER OF BEER! Despite drinking all day, I think you peaked at the right time. I'm impressed with your draft. The UJ problem has always been depth. Considering your dudes always get banged up, depth is key. My only concern is at RB after Jamaal Charles. But I think one of your other guys will be relevant sooner than later. You should be a contender, and I'd be very surprised otherwise. Nice work.

Best Pick: Larry Fitzgerald. Top 10 receiver all year last year. 5th round pick. Fantastic
Worst Pick: Martellus Bennett. That offense can support 2, but a #2 TE in the 6th round is a tough sell.
Overall Grade: A


The King's Crusaders - Lots of rookies. Lots of question marks. This feels awfully risky for a King team. 5 players that didn't play in the NFL last season. Hyde, Parker, and Thomas missed parts of the season, and Eifert is currently out of action. It should come together, but an interesting choice to go double Packers after bailing on Aaron Rodgers last year. I think you're around the middle with the potential to go in either direction.

Best Pick: Michael Floyd. Don't like him but great value there.
Worst Pick: Paul Perkins. He's terrible.

Overall Grade: C+


So, heading into the start of the season, the EFFL Power Rankings look pretty unusual. Here we go:

14. D-WEENIS: D-
13. The Old Ball Sack: D+
12. Harambe Was Set-Up: C-
11. Pork Chop Express: C
10. Bo$$town Cutter: C
9. Tweeting in the Trenches: C+
8. The King's Crusaders: C+
7. Team Bartholomew: B-
6. Dueling Pylons: B-
5. Stanky Monkeys: B
4. Geno 911: B+
3. Team BG: B+
2. Tequila Party Gnomes: A
1. A Lot O'Tatz: A
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Monday, December 14, 2015

What Do You Mean?


Johnny Football!! I've been clamoring for him all season and it finally happened.

Pew! Pew! Pew! Let him play! "Here's a guy that's done nothing, and all we do is show him on TV". - Terry Bradshaw. Fuck outta here TB. I want ENTERTAINMENT.

This is the best thing I've ever seen. Like ever. That's how you celebrate! Players should continue this trend until the league realizes how ridiculous of a penalty excessive celebration is. Bring back the balls as props, group celebrations, everything. It makes the game so so so much more exciting.

 We're down to the final 4, and I'm sorry guys, it's bad news. We already knew the much maligned Mile Y was a semifinalist, but it has gotten much worse. 3 time defending champ Christian Fusco (pronounced FOOS-co) is still alive. Chris Woody is also still alive. These are the people that are going to be taking your money. But there is some hope. The rest of the league can hitch our wagon to Eric Brooking. He's our only out at this point. One of these four "gentlemen" will take home the EFFL crown, a massive pot of money, and decide the location of the 2016 EFFL draft.

Yes, all the good guys lost in round 1. Phil took home the points crown in the regular season, but his team clearly lost steam as the season wore on. Stanky Monkeys were never able to recover from the Edelman injury. Just didn't have the hits on the waiver wire that other teams did. And Lobitz, whose fantasy season ended in every league he's in, was done in by classic hubris. Nothing foreshadows losing quite like insisting you have an amazing team, yet doing nothing to back it up. After I gave him the old "good job, good effort" pep talk following a 71 point effort, I was told to "eat shit". A scorned man who finished out of the money, plus lost side bets to me. That's a tough one. I've been telling you all year how terrible Davante Adams is. His stats back it up. Yet that wasn't enough to keep you from using him in a playoff game.

Beef of the Week: 


Might be pork. Not exactly sure. But that's a full slab at Oklahoma Joe's in Kansas (don't ask me why). This came from a damn gas station and was one of the best meals I've ever had. Full slab w a side of Z Man and a couple Boulevard Wheats.


Poor Chiefs tailgate. Had absolutely nothing on #BillsMafia and it poured its ass off. The weirdest thing I saw was a custom Chargers jersey: Flacco 3. What?!?!? Was Flacco sent to the Chargers and nobody knew? Who pays money for this shit!?!?

This is usually the point in the season where I've had enough of blogging. It's no different this year. But you're all in luck, as being stuck on a flight has left me with no option.

The Old Ball Sack v A Lot O'Tatz

Grudge match here. Two Redskins fans who I'd bet a million dollars will be texting "YOU LIKE THAT?!?!?!?? YOU LIKE THAT!!!!" after every single thing that happens during the games Sunday. Somehow Dosh will get looped into a group text. I do feel some allegiance to EEB as our 4 trades this year mean basically everyone on his roster was on my team at some point. As he's also the least objectionable remaining member, I'm clearly on board for as much Tatz as possible. You know what happens to an old ball sack when it sits idle for a week? Grows cobwebs. I'm expecting Mike Y to lay an egg and bow out! That's one name we cannot have added to the trophy.

Commish's Pick: A Lot O'Tatz

The King's Crusaders v Tweeting in the Trenches
Just seeing this as a semifinal match must drive even the calmest of men insane. "Gotta be fucking kidding me" is also a proper response. This is a rematch of last year's championship game. It ensures that one of these 3 time champs will again be in the finals. Fusco can't win again. His stupid giggle drives me nuts. And he knows it drives me nuts and it makes him giggle even more. I do think this is going to be a pretty good matchup. Both teams have been playing very well of late, and despite my frustration, it's hard to deny that both teams are deserving of reaching this point. I don't wanna hear that Russell Wilson ain't fuckin. He's been hot as shit, and has carried Fusco to this point. Happened last year w Odell. It's bullshit. This streak has to end, and I think it ends here.

Commish's Pick: The King's Crusaders

I can't believe it, but I'm predicting an EEB-Woody final. That would be a hell of a matchup, as that's one of the league's biggest rivalries. One of these 4 teams will hoist the EFFL trophy. Perhaps one of these fathers will have their child yet again break the trophy. Good luck to everyone in the semis.

Next week will be the last blog of the season. Not only does nobody care after the finals, I will be away enjoying spending Christmas in a tropical climate. Wouldn't wanna ruin your trip Mr. Cheapskate. Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate anyway?!?!
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Monday, December 7, 2015

Color Money



We have our field of 7 teams. It went as predicted, but it wasn’t until late Sunday night that 3-time defending chump Chris Cusco punched his ticket to the EFFL playoffs. Tatz made a push, and Dosh never threatened, but this is still a disappointing result. Cusco was led to victory by Russell Wilson. 
While he refuses to give the D to Ciara, he had no problem repeatedly inserting into an unsuspecting BG. This D was also given to me, as I was knocked out as a result. I don’t know what this says about the guy.

Before we get into some of the previews, I’d like to direct your attention, yet again, to #BillsMafia. They’ve completely outdone themselves this week, and not coincidentally, the team did work on the field. I’ll just direct your attention to this link here, which recaps the complete debauchery that took place in the Ralph Wilson parking lot.

http://www.barstoolsports.com/chicago/monday-morning-bills-mafia-rewind/

There’s a woman dropping trou in a urinal, Santa Claus being choke slammed, and I couldn’t tell from the brief video, but that looked like Kyle Orton working over Sammy Watkins pretty good. Just remarkable. Best comment in regards to the video I’ve seen: “You can tell he’s a Bills fan by how comfortable he is working from behind.”

I’m giving a lot of thought to moving my Bachelor Party to Buffalo. I know it seems ridiculous, but nothing says enjoy marriage better than having one of your boys suplex you through a table.

Beef of the Week: Tom Coughlin

I feel like this clown has been in this spot before, but he’s fully deserving yet again after blowing a “home” game against the Jets. Honestly, being in a bar in NYC during Jets-Giants is the absolute worst. Both fan bases are so delusional, and literally nobody outside of NY cares about the game AT ALL.

But here was Coughlin, up 10 in the fourth quarter, facing a 4th and 2 from the Jets 8 yard line. And this clown goes for it! How do you do that?!?!? The drive took 11 minutes and they got nothing out of it. The Giants could have gone up 2 TDs on the Jets, but Coughlin instead decided to go for it and fail. Of course he’s then shown with the same dumb look on his face he always has. It’s the “I obviously made the right call, why didn’t that work?” look. Just utter confusion. Time to pack it in old man. The Jets went on to win in Overtime, after lackluster kicker Josh Brown missed a field goal to extend the game.

Coaching stupidity of this level should not be tolerated. Not only was the wrong call made, he insisted after the game that it was the right call. That’s the problem. Failing to admit your mistakes is one of the worst things you can do as a person. I hate the Giants, but at this point, I’m glad they have a clueless guy at the helm. It can only help other teams.

So here are our Playoff matchups. Please be aware that if you are eliminated from the playoffs, you cannot make further roster moves. Just don’t try it.

#1 The Old Ball Sack – Mike Young will be chilling during Week 14 while the rest of the league fights it out. He cannot play Lou or Phil. He will play the lowest remaining seed. Just have to hope that nobody gets injured.

#2 Stanky Monkeys v. #7 A Lot O’Tatz – EEB lost and Fusco won. Fusco also finished with more points, so EEB falls to 7th to take on Lou. Neither team can be all that enthused about their Week 13 performance. Particularly EEB, who lost to nemesis Woody and fell two spots. If EEB wins, he gets Mike Y, which is surely enticing. If Lou wins, he’ll play the next highest remaining seed. At this point, I’m not all that confident in A Lot O’Tatz. The team has reached 125 points just once this season. I think this is going to be a close one, given each team’s stature right now, but I think with Forte back, I’m leaning Stanky Monkeys in a nail biter.

Commish’s Pick: Stanky Monkeys

#3 Cecil Had It Coming v. #6 Tweeting in the Trenches – This is a big ask for a first timer. Take down the 3-time defending champ to extend your season. And the team that comes in at #6 has been the much hotter team of late. TITTY has piled up 284 points in the past two weeks. Cecil did finally turn it around in Week 13, so perhaps he’s turned a corner. This is going to be a very interesting one. These teams met just two weeks ago with dominant performances from Russell Wilson yet again. I’m a little skeptical here, and I’m obviously rooting for Phil. This is a tough one to call.

Commish’s Pick: Cecil Had It Coming

#4 Pork Chop Express v. #5 The King’s Crusaders – The playoffs this year leave very few “palatable” teams. Aka, I want both of these teams to lose. Woody went 8 weeks straight without scoring more than 112 points, but he’s in the playoffs on the heels of a 4 game winning streak. I’m glad we finally saw something from Pork Chop Express this week. He’s been coasting for a while after starting 5-2. But the Running Backs are REALLY struggling. DeMarcus Murray has been relegated. Jameer Abdullah can’t get on the field. And Danny “White Guy” Woodhead has been pretty bad for the past couple of weeks. I don’t think either team really has a huge advantage, but it will be interesting to see how the trade of Palmer/Tron for Rodgers/Kelce comes into play here. According to a trade proposal, Lobitz quipped: “Rodgers and Kelce for Palmer and Calvin. I know you will say no and it makes me happy cuz I really don’t want to do it anyway”.

Commish’s Pick: The King’s Crusaders

So that’s my final four. Mike Y, Lou, Phil, Woody. You take your pick who you want to win, but if that happens, it’s a guarantee that one of Mike Y and Woody is in the final. That would be terrible.


Good luck to the 7 still in contention. Remember, the winner gets to determine in what city the 2016 EFFL Draft is held. Buffalo is an option.
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Monday, November 30, 2015

Bring that Ace by the case


Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds on me dancinnnn. Before we get into football, I'm just letting you all know that I've claimed Monmouth as my March Madness team. Their bench mob is the greatest thing in college basketball for a long time, and that's MY SQUAD! When they're dancing (literally and figuratively), just remember I told you so. They've already knocked off USC, Notre Dame, and UCLA. Back to football.

I thought Week 12 was fantastic. Exciting football for a change. No Eagles!! They stuck all the bad teams together like Titans/Raiders and Bucs/Colts. Lots of scoring. Snow games. Rain games. Had everything you could ask for.

The Thanksgiving games seem so long ago, but they featured some of the worst football I’ve seen in recent memory. The Eagles got blown out by the hapless Lions, and Tony Romo was injured again. But food, beer, and football are always a great combo.

T.Y brought this noise



At this point, the EFFL has gotten to be way more exciting than the actual NFL, and I’ll get into that shortly. But first, the beef.

Beef of the Week: Scott Hanson

Or should I call him Seth Hanson. Or Scott Frandsen. It really doesn’t matter what you call a person, whether it’s their real name or not. That’s apparently the approach he’s taken. Look, I’m the first person to think it’s hilarious to refer to someone in jest with the wrong name. Like EEB taking Colby Lattimore. Or kicker Kai Horvath. It humors me to no end. But when you’re getting paid to sit by yourself in a studio and work for 6 hours a week, it’s inexcusable to compliment the running of Gino Bernard. My favorite is when it’s the recommendation of players to pick up that most people have heard of, but he thinks nobody ever has. He never has a clue how to pronounce the players’ names. It’s embarrassing. I wonder if his employer cares.

He also has no understanding of the rules or time. The Chiefs took over with 2:20 left yesterday. The Bills had one timeout to use. He advised that the Chiefs would be going into “victory formation”. Really? Teams take a knee three times and then punt the ball with a minute and a half left? After apparently getting abused by the producer, he offered a “we’re gonna check the math on that one”. It’s not that difficult! The play clock is 40 seconds. The guy has been flat out brutal this year, and I for one wouldn’t mind seeing him replaced.

On to the EFFL! When the dust cleared, much took shape in Week 12. A few more teams punched their playoff tickets, and one unfortunate Bostoner was eliminated, lost his boy Gronk, and watched Brady blow a 14 point 4th quarter lead. Sunday was not so easy.

Here’s where we stand:

#1. The Old Ball Sack (10-2) – A remarkably impressive record from Mike Y, as he held on to beat Tatz and locks up the first round bye. He told me his son was giving him shit for using Jamison Crowder over literally anyone else. I imagine the conversation went something like this: “Russ, I’m in first place in the standings and in points. That’s minimum $250! You’re gonna get that drone for Christmas.” Hours later, when Crowder does absolutely nothing, he comes up and punches Mike in the dick. “Why would you start someone on the Redskins?!?!? Don’t be a homer!!” It all worked out for everyone except Russ, who will now get nothing due to insubordination.

#2. Stanky Monkeys (9-3) – Locked in as the #2 seed and will get the winner of the wild card fiasco TBD. Was in play for the bye until this week’s loss, and because Mike Y has the tiebreaker over you, you cannot pass him. It’s a tough break, but the guy doesn’t lose. That Edelman injury was so huge. We’ll see what happens.

#3. Cecil Had It Coming (8-4) – Yet another team which has locked in their seed, as CHIC will be the #3. Beat Woody and Ben, so this is a lock. This team has been ice cold, and going into the playoffs on a huge losing streak is not what anyone wants. You need to end that streak! Please! Anyway, your opponent will either be EEB, Woody, or Fusco.  They’re 3 of the most loathsome franchises in EFFL history.

#4. Pork Chop Express (7-5) – Don’t feel bad. I lost to Dosh too. Due to EEB playing Woody in the final week, it’s a mathematical certainty that you are going to play the winner of that game in the 4-5 matchup (or Woody if they tie). Prepare accordingly. Despite crying like a baby all day Sunday, you’re officially in.

#5. The King’s Crusaders (7-5) – Also locked in to the playoffs following an impressive run of 3 straight victories. You’ll play Ben if you beat or tie EEB or Phil if you lose to him. The streak continues, as King has still never missed the EFFL playoffs in 11 seasons. Your team is not bad by any stretch, but you must feel a little bit lucky having entered the week just 11th in points and on par with Geno 911 and TPG. That damn Woody luck.

#6. A Lot O’Tatz (6-5-1) – You’re in. There still exists a scenario by which you can miss the playoffs, but you’re in.

I also want to make an addition to the rulebook in future years for a unique scenario which I never even thought possible. There will obviously be no change this year, but there is room for interpretation which will be addressed in the offseason.

Section 6.B.ii. of the EFFL Rulebook deals with tiebreakers of more than two teams. Item 1 states “If one team has head-to-head advantage over all other teams, rank team first.” What that should say is that a tiebreak matrix is created FIRST, so that when comparing two teams, it is evident who is ahead. Then proceed with the tiebreak. However, as the rule is written, should EEB, Fusco, and Dosh all end up 6-6-1, EEB does NOT have the “head-to-head advantage over all other teams”, as he tied Fusco. I never thought 3 teams would have ties and end up equal in the standings, but it could happen.

AS SUCH, should the 3 teams wind up tied, total points are the tiebreaker. Here is the scenario by which this would be a problem.

Both EEB and Fusco have defeated Dosh. If Dosh had the most points scored, under the current rules, he would be ranked highest. In actuality, if Fusco had more points than EEB, he would own the tiebreaker over EEB. Since he owned the tiebreaker over EEB and Dosh, he would be ranked first. Then EEB for owning head-to-head. Then Dosh. The reality is that this won’t come into play, as Dosh has to make up about 150 points in Week 13, which has a 0% chance of happening. As such, Dosh is guaranteed to be ranked 3rd of these 3 if they all end up tied. And as a result, since EEB must be ranked #1 or #2 if he loses in Week 13, he’s in. Got all that?

Can finish anywhere from #4 to #7. Your opponent will be one of Stanky Monkeys, Cecil, and the Pork Chop Express.

5 Teams for 1 spot

Although this is not a safe assumption, we’re going to go ahead and assume there are no ties in Week 13. Fusco can sneak up to #6 with a win and EEB loss. All other scenarios result in the 1 team advancing to play the Stanky Monkeys.

Tweeting in the Trenches (5-6-1) – Owns head-to-head tiebreaker over Dosh for real! First in priority, and you play BG in week 13. You’re the only team that controls its own destiny. Win and you’re in. Lose and you’re out. Playoffs start this week baby.

ROLL THE DICE (5-6-1) – I seriously can’t believe you’re in it. Number 2 on the totem pole, and you also have a simple formula to make it. You must beat Phil and have BG beat Fusco. That’s it. Anything else and you’re out.

Team BG (5-7) – Currently in the tank, but you’re not done yet. Obviously must beat Fusco, which enables you to jump him. You also need Dosh to lose to Phil to get into the mix. But we’re not done here. Things then get interesting because you own the head-to-head tiebreaker over Tatz, but have lost to the Pylons (ew). If the Pylons also lose, you’re in no matter what. If the Pylons win, you must hold onto your approximate 40 point lead in total points. Here’s your checklist for Sunday.
  • Defeat Fusco
  • Dosh loss to Phil
  • Pylons loss OR Pylons win, Tatz win, win most points.

Team Bartholomew (5-7) – Win over Mike Y would have been HUGE. I was rooting against you. I’m sorry. Your list looks basically the same as BG, but you’re in a much more difficult position. You have to have him beat Fusco to get past Fusco. But since you don’t own head-to-head tiebreaker, you MUST end up in a 3-team tie and win total points. There’s only one scenario where you get in, and it’s going to be tough. Here’s your checklist.
  • Defeat Lobitz
  • BG defeats Fusco
  • Phil defeats Dosh
  • Pylons defeat Gambino
  • Make up 38 points on BG and stay ahead of Pylons in points.

Dueling Pylons (5-7) – Had a HUGE week 12 to stay alive. More importantly, now own tiebreaker over BG. List looks remarkably similar to Tatz, but have a few more outs. Pylons were very far behind in points, but got a very large chunk of that difference back in Week 12. The teams ahead are within striking distance. Sunday checklist:
  • Defeat Gambino
  • BG defeats Fusco
  • Phil defeats Dosh
  • Tatz loss to Lobitz OR Tatz win and win most points.

So that’s it. Only one of these 5 teams will make it in, and all of my incoherent rambling gets rendered useless if Fusco beats BG. Your playoffs look like this:

#1 The Old Ball Sack
#2 Stanky Monkeys v. #7 A Lot O’Tatz/TITTY/ROLL THE DICE/Bartholomew/DP/BG
#3 Cecil Had it Coming v. #6 King/TITTY/Lot O’Tatz
#4/5 Pork Chop Express v. #4/5 King/Lot O’Tatz

Also, Mike Y will play the lowest seed remaining in Week 15. The other two teams will play each other. Sorry for the 3 teams that have nothing to play for. But I guarantee Gambino is salivating at the thought of knocking me out of the playoffs.


Will be floating around the city Sunday looking to yell at people. Feel free to join. Good luck to everyone in Week 13.
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Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Too Fresh, Too Clean


Cam Newton is just killing it. Fashion sense. On the field. There's nothing he can't do. He's certainly the most entertaining player in football right now. Which is great, because football has been rough. I was fully prepared to be blacked out before the turkey even hit the table Thursday. I planned on pulling a Garth with the electric carver and remembering none of it.


But now the Eagles fucking suck (they've always sucked). Back to back Sanchizes at home against the Dolphins and Bucs is one of the most embarrassing things I've seen in awhile. And now I don't even care. It's even more embarrassing than this guy, who put his first name on a jersey.


Also, James Jones wore a hoodie, and noted it's "Cali Swag".


Sad news: The Jaguars finally had a home game. But even worse, it appears that @JagsPoolBooty has gone missing. This was really the only reason for the Jaguars to have a home game. Instead, they came out in puke colored jerseys and made me question my life and why I started 3 Jaguars in fantasy. It was terrible.

And my apologies for delay in getting this blog out. There were no fewer than 5 EFFL games up in the air Monday night. And two games were directly impacted by the awful officiating. It's close to my beef of the week. But it's time to TURN UP. It's holiday season and most of our real life teams suck ASS. Time to refocus.


Beef of the Week: Cowboys-Dolphins game

I'm not sure exactly what was going on. I was simply watching on RedZone. But for some reason, in this day and age, this game had exactly one camera fixed at the 50 yard line. That's it. Cowboys got into the actual Red Zone, and the whole picture was diagonal. Why?!?!? Is it that hard to have a camera at another location than midfield? Does nobody care about the Dolphins? It's entirely possible, but it was absolute brutal viewing. You could see the entire routes the top 2 guys on the field ran and absolutely nothing on the near side. Maybe they just figured nobody was watching the game.


EFFL Playoffs

 * 1. The Old Ball Sack (9-2) - Holds head-to-head tiebreak over the Stanky Monkeys. Could lock up a first round bye with a win and Stanky Monkeys and Cecil loss. Also took over the points lead. Mike Y is staring at a big chunk of money right now. Will be no worse than #4.

* 2. Stanky Monkeys (9-2) - Keeps rolling. That's 4 in a row, and certainly in play for the bye. Two winnable matchups in the final 2. Would be something if this team finished 11-2 and didn't get the #1 seed. Can also do no worse than 4th.

* 3. Cecil Had It Coming (8-3) - Uh oh. Not only has Cecil relinquished the #1 seed, but the points lead is gone as well. Scores of 71 and 61 the past two weeks. That's alarming after the start this team had. I think they'll get it turned around. Own tiebreaker over everyone but Stanky Monkeys. Mathematically can finish no worse than 4th.

4. Pork Chop Express (7-4) - Still not officially locked into the playoffs. There is a scenario by which PCE could miss the playoffs. But win and in. Or a loss by BG, EEB, or Tatz and you're in. Looking pretty good at this point.

5. The King's Crusaders (6-5) - In the famous words of Drizzy Drake, "I done hit the stride got my shit goin. In the 6 cookin' with the wrist motion".


Winners of 4 of 5. Looking to be asserting themselves as playoff-level. One win and one Tatz/EEB/BG loss and you're in. Or just beat EEB in Week 13.

6. A Lot O'Tatz (5-5-1) - Won with 88 points. Sometimes shit just has to go your way. A bunch of teams are hot on your heels, but you control your own destiny. Two wins and in. Likely need to win at least 1. 6-6-1 may be good enough. How mad will you be if King knocks you out?

7. Team BG (5-6) - Don't even know what to say man. Losses of 5, 5, and 1. #InadvertentWhistle cost you the win. You're lucky you went to sleep. But you'd be in if it started today. Huge matchup to knock out DP followed by 3-time defending champ TITTY. Win 2 and you're in. Win 1 and it'll be close.

8. Team Bartholomew (5-6) - Knocked off Gambino to knock his ass out. But a REAL tough final two against Mike Y and Lobitz. They're clearly two of the best teams. And given that BG has the tiebreak over you, I'm not so sure that 1 of 2 will be enough. Gonna be tough I think.

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-6-1) - Still in it. Got a slumping Phil and BG in the final two weeks. You MUST beat BG to get in or hope EEB loses two and pass him in points. Like Tatz, tough but doable. At the precipice.

10. ROLL THE DICE (4-6-1) - The second beneficiary of #InadvertentWhistle. Didn't deserve a tie, but let's see if that holds up on Thursday. Still in it for now. Also have Lobitz and Phil the final two weeks, so not only need to make up games, need to do it against the league's best and get help. Really far back in points too.

11. Dueling Pylons (4-7) - Out of chances. Must beat BG to even stay alive. Then must take down Gambino to get to 6-7 and get some serious help. With all the ties, only likely to end up in a tie with Tatz and BG. A 3 way tie would send it to points. BG is way ahead. Not looking good.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (3-7-1) - Needed one more point from Tommy Brady. Mathematically still alive, but need to end up in a 3 or 4 way tie with EEB and Fusco. Lots of things need to go your way and a very tough matchup in Week 13 with Stanky Monkeys. Beat EEB. Please.

x - 13. Geno 911 (3-8) - Officially eliminated. Due to Fusco playing BG, one of them must be ahead of you, which means can't get higher than 8th. This was destined to happen. Hasn't won a game since Week 5.

x - 14. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-8) - We'll change the 1 PM rule. I promise.


We could have 7 teams fighting for 2 spots in Week 13 depending upon results. Hope everyone has an enjoyable Thanksgiving and doesn't remember anything after 5 PM.
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Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Who Dey House


That's actually not a question. I want tiger stripes on my house. That's sick. I'm gonna get through this blog as quick as possible. It's late.









Greatest thing I've ever seen!








DABB ON EM!!! How is Clemson #1? Pretty wild. Sadly we've seen the end of Peyton Manning. Guy set the NFL record for passing yards and got his ass benched in the same game. He put up -7 fantasy points in the EFFL on Sunday. Possibly the worst effort in league history.

I have some pre-beef before we get into the main part of the meat. The NFL admitted the referees made a mistake in the Ravens-Jaguars game. That mistake directly cost the Ravens the game. Why can't the league go back and make it right? There should have been an obvious penalty called to end the game. The officiating error directly changed the outcome of the game. You should be able to rectify that.

Beef of the Week: Mystery Meat

I actually don't know who the beef is with. It was more a scenario that I have the beef with. I've consistently had beef with Bruce Arians absolute refusal to play rookies based solely on the fact that they're rookies. He'll play a guy who's worse strictly because it's not his first year in the league. Well last night, Al Michaels is going on about the running back situation in Arizona and why they brought in Chris Johnson.

"Ellington was hurt. They drafted David Johnson, and you don't want a rookie as your ace..." WHAT?!?!?! Al PLEASE. Is he spewing this garbage? Is he being forced to say something by that lunatic Arians. Chris Johnson got fucking SHOT over the summer. What did you do in the offseason?!? Just a casual drive-by. But much more worthy of starting than David Johnson, because Chris Johnson isn't a rookie. It's infuriating. That stubbornness is going to hold the team back at some point. Book it.

But the biggest loser of the week was first place team Phil Imbesi. I was alerted Sunday afternoon that he was the sole survivor (if you lookin' for me I'll be on the block) in his Survivor pool.



All he needed was the Bengals to beat the Texans to take home $1,500. Otherwise, the pot would be split 5 ways. My advice to him was to bet $500 on the Texans + the points. He let it ride. And the Bengals lost at home to the Texans 10-6. No doubt when he reads this blog, he will not have slept.

On to the playoffs.

LOCK IT UP



* #1. Cecil Had It Coming (8-2) - Saw this coming a mile away. Lost your money. Almost lost your bye. Lead on points scored is dwindling. Gotta get it together and head into the playoffs strong. But due to points tiebreaker still owns the top spot.

* #2. The Old Ball Sack (8-2) - Also punched a playoff ticket after holding on to defeat BG. Own tiebreakers over Stanky Monkeys, but has not defeated Cecil. Get cupcake Dueling Pylons next week. Certainly in play for the bye.

* #3. Stanky Monkeys (8-2) - Having the tiebreaker over Cecil is big. Punched their playoff ticket and just playing for the bye at this point. Can easily wind up atop the standings.

SHE BOUT TO GO IN

#4. Pork Chop Express (7-3) - Unique category reserved for this team. 7-6 should end up being enough, but one more win officially clinches a playoff spot. Not in yet, but bout to go in.

WHY DOES IT FEEL SO GOOD? SO GOOD TO BE BAD


#5. Team BG (5-5) - Still hanging on. Huge matchup with Woody here that can put you a game ahead of everyone else behind you. Awful luck the last two weeks losing by 10 combined points and could easily be 7-3. I'm very much hoping you win that one.

#6. The King's Crusaders (5-5) - Got that win over Tatz. Of course. That's messed up man. I really wish we played each other a different week. But as has been the case year after year, proving a tough out. Looking pretty good despite only being .500.

#7. A Lot O'Tatz (4-5-1) - Yes, that's right, I said it. If the playoffs ended today, EEB would be out of the gutter and in as the last team. I just can't believe that's even possible. Was #13 just two weeks ago. But I've been saying it every week that this thing is gonna go til the end. Can't wait for your showdown with Woody in Week 13.

I WANNA MAKE LOVE IN THIS CLUB



#8. Team Bartholomew (4-6) - "This Club" is the playoffs. Owns tiebreakers over the other terrible 4-6 teams. Missed a huge opportunity against Woody to move up. Must take care of business against Gambino as last two are Mike Y and Lobitz.

#9. ROLL THE DICE (4-6) - Would've lost to the Pylons basically any other week, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Now owns tiebreaker over a heated rival. Same thing for Tatz applies to you. If you come up short against Cutter, finishing with Ben and Phil is not going to be easy.

#10. Dueling Pylons (4-6) - Like Team Bartholomew, blew a huge opportunity to get in. Even worse, the Pylons have lost to basically everyone around them. Unless they win out, they're going to need a good amount of help. Have to right the ship at some point.

#11. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-6-1) - Still just a game out of the playoffs. But a huge matchup with TPG is probably going to knock the loser out. 3-time defending champ is on the ropes. Can finish .500 at best. Even that might not be enough.


COOL FOR THE SUMMER

Honestly, who doesn't wanna listen to some Demi Lovato? Probably never thought that would appear on the EFFL blog. This group is just about focused on the Summer... of 2016.

#12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7) - TPG really needed to take down EEB. Would've been right in the playoff mix, but now 1.5 games back with just 3 to play. Can do 6-7 at best, and that's starting to look a little hairy. TITTY, Gambino and Mike Y is probably the worst final 3 you could have in terms of frustration, not quality.

#13. Bo$$town Cutter (3-7) - Out of the basement!! Gio Bernard saved your season on the final drive to keep you alive for another week. Like TPG, 6-7 is a tough sell, but you never know. Team certainly looks capable of going on a run.

#14. Geno 911 (3-7) - This team was 3-2. Scores of 102, 72, 71, 103 the past 4 weeks. Tatz, TPG and Pylons to finish the season. So if you can't make it, you're certainly in a position to play spoiler. And I know you'd love to spoil any of those teams from making it.


Week 11 Matchups

#1 Cecil Had It Coming (8-2) v. #7 A Lot O'Tatz (4-5-1)
#2 The Old Ball Sack (8-2) v. #10 Dueling Pylons (4-6)
#3 Stanky Monkeys (8-2) v. #4 Pork Chop Express (7-3)
#5 Team BG (5-5) v. #6 The King's Crusaders (5-5)
#8 Team Bartholomew (4-6) v. #14 Geno 911 (3-7)
#9 ROLL THE DICE (4-6) v. #13 Bo$$town Cutter (3-7)
#11 Tweeting in the Trenches (3-6-1) v. #12 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7)

Best of luck to everyone in Week 11. We're on the verge of getting a couple teams knocked out and a couple more clinching. But hey, it's Week 11 and every single team is still in it. 1.5 games out with 3 to play is not the end of it. 
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