Bring that Ace by the case

Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds on me dancinnnn. Before we get into football, I'm just letting you all know that I've claimed Monmouth as my March Madness team. Their bench mob is the greatest thing in college basketball for a long time, and that's MY SQUAD! When they're dancing (literally and figuratively), just remember I told you so. They've already knocked off USC, Notre Dame, and UCLA. Back to football.

I thought Week 12 was fantastic. Exciting football for a change. No Eagles!! They stuck all the bad teams together like Titans/Raiders and Bucs/Colts. Lots of scoring. Snow games. Rain games. Had everything you could ask for.

The Thanksgiving games seem so long ago, but they featured some of the worst football I’ve seen in recent memory. The Eagles got blown out by the hapless Lions, and Tony Romo was injured again. But food, beer, and football are always a great combo.

T.Y brought this noise

At this point, the EFFL has gotten to be way more exciting than the actual NFL, and I’ll get into that shortly. But first, the beef.

Beef of the Week: Scott Hanson

Or should I call him Seth Hanson. Or Scott Frandsen. It really doesn’t matter what you call a person, whether it’s their real name or not. That’s apparently the approach he’s taken. Look, I’m the first person to think it’s hilarious to refer to someone in jest with the wrong name. Like EEB taking Colby Lattimore. Or kicker Kai Horvath. It humors me to no end. But when you’re getting paid to sit by yourself in a studio and work for 6 hours a week, it’s inexcusable to compliment the running of Gino Bernard. My favorite is when it’s the recommendation of players to pick up that most people have heard of, but he thinks nobody ever has. He never has a clue how to pronounce the players’ names. It’s embarrassing. I wonder if his employer cares.

He also has no understanding of the rules or time. The Chiefs took over with 2:20 left yesterday. The Bills had one timeout to use. He advised that the Chiefs would be going into “victory formation”. Really? Teams take a knee three times and then punt the ball with a minute and a half left? After apparently getting abused by the producer, he offered a “we’re gonna check the math on that one”. It’s not that difficult! The play clock is 40 seconds. The guy has been flat out brutal this year, and I for one wouldn’t mind seeing him replaced.

On to the EFFL! When the dust cleared, much took shape in Week 12. A few more teams punched their playoff tickets, and one unfortunate Bostoner was eliminated, lost his boy Gronk, and watched Brady blow a 14 point 4^th quarter lead. Sunday was not so easy.

Here’s where we stand:

#1. The Old Ball Sack (10-2) – A remarkably impressive record from Mike Y, as he held on to beat Tatz and locks up the first round bye. He told me his son was giving him shit for using Jamison Crowder over literally anyone else. I imagine the conversation went something like this: “Russ, I’m in first place in the standings and in points. That’s minimum $250! You’re gonna get that drone for Christmas.” Hours later, when Crowder does absolutely nothing, he comes up and punches Mike in the dick. “Why would you start someone on the Redskins?!?!? Don’t be a homer!!” It all worked out for everyone except Russ, who will now get nothing due to insubordination.

#2. Stanky Monkeys (9-3) – Locked in as the #2 seed and will get the winner of the wild card fiasco TBD. Was in play for the bye until this week’s loss, and because Mike Y has the tiebreaker over you, you cannot pass him. It’s a tough break, but the guy doesn’t lose. That Edelman injury was so huge. We’ll see what happens.

#3. Cecil Had It Coming (8-4) – Yet another team which has locked in their seed, as CHIC will be the #3. Beat Woody and Ben, so this is a lock. This team has been ice cold, and going into the playoffs on a huge losing streak is not what anyone wants. You need to end that streak! Please! Anyway, your opponent will either be EEB, Woody, or Fusco.  They’re 3 of the most loathsome franchises in EFFL history.

#4. Pork Chop Express (7-5) – Don’t feel bad. I lost to Dosh too. Due to EEB playing Woody in the final week, it’s a mathematical certainty that you are going to play the winner of that game in the 4-5 matchup (or Woody if they tie). Prepare accordingly. Despite crying like a baby all day Sunday, you’re officially in.

#5. The King’s Crusaders (7-5) – Also locked in to the playoffs following an impressive run of 3 straight victories. You’ll play Ben if you beat or tie EEB or Phil if you lose to him. The streak continues, as King has still never missed the EFFL playoffs in 11 seasons. Your team is not bad by any stretch, but you must feel a little bit lucky having entered the week just 11^th in points and on par with Geno 911 and TPG. That damn Woody luck.

#6. A Lot O’Tatz (6-5-1) – You’re in. There still exists a scenario by which you can miss the playoffs, but you’re in.

I also want to make an addition to the rulebook in future years for a unique scenario which I never even thought possible. There will obviously be no change this year, but there is room for interpretation which will be addressed in the offseason.

Section 6.B.ii. of the EFFL Rulebook deals with tiebreakers of more than two teams. Item 1 states “If one team has head-to-head advantage over all other teams, rank team first.” What that should say is that a tiebreak matrix is created FIRST, so that when comparing two teams, it is evident who is ahead. Then proceed with the tiebreak. However, as the rule is written, should EEB, Fusco, and Dosh all end up 6-6-1, EEB does NOT have the “head-to-head advantage over all other teams”, as he tied Fusco. I never thought 3 teams would have ties and end up equal in the standings, but it could happen.

AS SUCH, should the 3 teams wind up tied, total points are the tiebreaker. Here is the scenario by which this would be a problem.

Both EEB and Fusco have defeated Dosh. If Dosh had the most points scored, under the current rules, he would be ranked highest. In actuality, if Fusco had more points than EEB, he would own the tiebreaker over EEB. Since he owned the tiebreaker over EEB and Dosh, he would be ranked first. Then EEB for owning head-to-head. Then Dosh. The reality is that this won’t come into play, as Dosh has to make up about 150 points in Week 13, which has a 0% chance of happening. As such, Dosh is guaranteed to be ranked 3^rd of these 3 if they all end up tied. And as a result, since EEB must be ranked #1 or #2 if he loses in Week 13, he’s in. Got all that?

Can finish anywhere from #4 to #7. Your opponent will be one of Stanky Monkeys, Cecil, and the Pork Chop Express.

5 Teams for 1 spot

Although this is not a safe assumption, we’re going to go ahead and assume there are no ties in Week 13. Fusco can sneak up to #6 with a win and EEB loss. All other scenarios result in the 1 team advancing to play the Stanky Monkeys.

Tweeting in the Trenches (5-6-1) – Owns head-to-head tiebreaker over Dosh for real! First in priority, and you play BG in week 13. You’re the only team that controls its own destiny. Win and you’re in. Lose and you’re out. Playoffs start this week baby.

ROLL THE DICE (5-6-1) – I seriously can’t believe you’re in it. Number 2 on the totem pole, and you also have a simple formula to make it. You must beat Phil and have BG beat Fusco. That’s it. Anything else and you’re out.

Team BG (5-7) – Currently in the tank, but you’re not done yet. Obviously must beat Fusco, which enables you to jump him. You also need Dosh to lose to Phil to get into the mix. But we’re not done here. Things then get interesting because you own the head-to-head tiebreaker over Tatz, but have lost to the Pylons (ew). If the Pylons also lose, you’re in no matter what. If the Pylons win, you must hold onto your approximate 40 point lead in total points. Here’s your checklist for Sunday.

• Defeat Fusco
• Dosh loss to Phil
• Pylons loss OR Pylons win, Tatz win, win most points.

Team Bartholomew (5-7) – Win over Mike Y would have been HUGE. I was rooting against you. I’m sorry. Your list looks basically the same as BG, but you’re in a much more difficult position. You have to have him beat Fusco to get past Fusco. But since you don’t own head-to-head tiebreaker, you MUST end up in a 3-team tie and win total points. There’s only one scenario where you get in, and it’s going to be tough. Here’s your checklist.

• Defeat Lobitz
• BG defeats Fusco
• Phil defeats Dosh
• Pylons defeat Gambino
• Make up 38 points on BG and stay ahead of Pylons in points.

Dueling Pylons (5-7) – Had a HUGE week 12 to stay alive. More importantly, now own tiebreaker over BG. List looks remarkably similar to Tatz, but have a few more outs. Pylons were very far behind in points, but got a very large chunk of that difference back in Week 12. The teams ahead are within striking distance. Sunday checklist:

• Defeat Gambino
• BG defeats Fusco
• Phil defeats Dosh
• Tatz loss to Lobitz OR Tatz win and win most points.

So that’s it. Only one of these 5 teams will make it in, and all of my incoherent rambling gets rendered useless if Fusco beats BG. Your playoffs look like this:

#1 The Old Ball Sack
#2 Stanky Monkeys v. #7 A Lot O’Tatz/TITTY/ROLL THE DICE/Bartholomew/DP/BG
#3 Cecil Had it Coming v. #6 King/TITTY/Lot O’Tatz
#4/5 Pork Chop Express v. #4/5 King/Lot O’Tatz

Also, Mike Y will play the lowest seed remaining in Week 15. The other two teams will play each other. Sorry for the 3 teams that have nothing to play for. But I guarantee Gambino is salivating at the thought of knocking me out of the playoffs.

Will be floating around the city Sunday looking to yell at people. Feel free to join. Good luck to everyone in Week 13.