Rob Ryan Needs a Haircut

I can’t even begin to state my excitement for football right now.  The Eagles have not lost a game in almost a month.  The Pylons have not lost a game in a month.  And despite drinking heavily again for a Sunday night game, I actually made it into work Monday morning.  Tremendous accomplishments on all fronts.  What a total ass whooping of Rob Ryan’s fat ass.  At least Andy is just totally round.  Rob has a gigantic gut that is clearly nothing but a beer belly.  His quotes made my Monday.  "Andy Reid was reading my mail" HAHAHAH.  Outstanding tweet of the week: “Nice moment of sportsmanship when Rob Ryan handed Andy Reid that congratulatory McRib sandwich at midfield.”

The EFFL playoff picture has gotten very, very interesting.  Only 3 games separate 1^st place from 8^th place.  The league’s top two seeds both fell in Week 8, and it appears that very little will be decided before the end of the season.  The Stanky Monkeys pretty much picked a team up off the waiver wire and still dismantled the King.  Only one word comes to mind when I think of the King at this point.  Panic.  He wanted to add and drop running backs so the Monkeys could not get one.  He wanted to rent Tim Tebow for a week.  With 5 weeks to play, the King is staring playoff elimination in the face.  More on that later.

How about TPG?  The Gnomes haven’t showed much flash, but have quietly put together a nice 4 game winning streak.  It’s amazing what a healthy Steven Jackson can do.  Any time you can defeat EEB, it’s a big win.  Props to The Stone Masons on a monster win.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen BG this fired up over a fantasy win. 

Back in 2008, when the league still had 8 teams, a pathetic Samuel Woody squad went 1-12.  It was the worst record in EFFL history.  In 13 games, the team scored more than 115 points exactly one time.  It was the infamous Brett Favre Jets game in which Kurt Warner attempted to decapitate Anquan Boldin and almost succeeded.  I remember it vividly.  Brett Favre threw for 6 TDs, 3 of which went to Laveraneus Coles.  The result was 174 fantasy points, which is the most ever scored by a Woody.  The unfortunate victim that day was BG.  He finished tied for 6^th that season and missed the playoffs on a tiebreaker.  No doubt he has been plotting his revenge for over 3 years, waiting for the opportune time to unleash the fury.  The time was Sunday, when a team on a 3 game losing streak needed to win to stay alive in the hunt for the bye.  The 179 points were a career high, and also the 4^th highest total in EFFL history.  I’m jealous at not being able to feel how sweet this victory must taste.  Adding the Lions defense dominating Tebow was just a cherry on top.

Norv of the Week: John Fox

First of all, everyone needs to read this if they have not already: http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2011/10/the-inner-torment-of-john-fox.html

Also, http://tebowing.com is amazing.  It is no doubt going to be the next planking.

This was before Tebow got absolutely rocked as his team went down 45-3.  Tebow gave the Lions 2 TDs.  After fans put up billboards demanding the use of Tebow, just two weeks later the local media has declared him the worst quarterback in the NFL.  He’s awful.  He lacks everything it takes to be an NFL quarterback, but John Fox has decided that it must be Tebow.  He’s supposed to be the head coach, not a puppet like Wade Phillips was.  But that’s what he’s been reduced to.  He’s not a real coach.

As a proud Tebow owner, I love the garbage time fantasy points that are absolutely useless in real life.  I’m just stunned that people actually think that Tebow is the man.  It’s really not John Fox’s fault that the Broncos and Jesus chose Tebow.  Players drafted after Tebow: Rob Gronkowski, Aaron Hernandez, Devin McCourty, Jahvid Best, Jerry Hughes, Mike Williams, Sean Lee, among many, many others.  It should be fun to watch the implosion on a weekly basis.  Articles keep pouring in by the hour to hate on Tebow and I have to say, I love it.

Power Rankings have some shifting this week:

1. The Stone Masons (5-3) – Last week: 2

I’m sorry!  Ok?  I’m sorry.  I really didn’t mean to drop you in the rankings.  I overreacted to a week full of byes and panicked.  Regardless of record, this is the team to beat in the league.  The Masons have the top 2 running backs and the top receiver in the league.  The explosion all over Lady Luck has catapulted this team back to the top.  It’s unfortunate that FDS is now square in the way of this steamrolling truck.  A Lions bye in week 9 may be rough, but will be at full strength going forward.

2. Tequila Party Gnomes (6-2) – Last week: 3

Huge win for TPG in Week 8.  Taking down the former #1 and taking over the division lead as well is a big statement.  I really think that Steven Jackson may end up being the difference this season.  With Crabtree and healthy Julio Jones, this team might wind up being the favorite before all is said and done.  Brady has actually looked human the past couple weeks, but make no mistake, this team is right there.  If I were a TPG front office member, I’d be feeling good right now.  The remaining schedule doesn’t seem too bad.

3. Coach Janky Spanky (6-2) – Last week: 1

The reign atop the rankings was short lived.  Bitten by byes in week 8, Janky was dealt his first loss since week 1.  I think this team is right there in talent with the Masons and TPG, and I expect a quick rebound and dismantling of the Pylons next week.  I think what has become obvious here is that when the Brees to Graham combo fails, so does this team.  The Saints do not have the easiest remaining schedule, but this team seems to be in pretty good shape to end up in the playoffs.

4. Dueling Pylons (4-4) – Last week: 5

Believe it.  The Pylons are back.  In case you weren’t counting, that’s now four wins in a row.  Vick, Foster, Sproles looks like a legitimate force and the surrounding pieces are decent enough that this team is comfortable in this spot.  The Pylons have not won 5 in a row since the 08 season and face a tall task in week 9.  One thing to note is that Foster and Sproles have not yet had their bye, and they will both see it in week 11, which is a critical time.  There’s definitely a gap between the top three and the next group of teams, but the Pylons seem to be in a pretty decent spot for a playoff position.

5. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-4) – Last week: 4

I hit a crossroads with this ranking.  On one hand, this team was really good for the first part of the season and still has a good amount of talent.  On the other, this team was publicly shamed and lost to the worst team ever assembled in the EFFL.  I decided in the end not to penalize this team more, because Stafford, Gore, Nicks, Marshall, Welker is better than any team below can boast.  Shame about the TE fiasco with Gresham being deactivated right before game time.  I think this team will be back before you know it.

6. Lady Luck (6-2) – Last week: 6

Huge game from Ray Rice couldn’t overcome the deficiencies by the rest of the team.  Was not joking by any means when I said weeks ago that there is only one good player on this team.  I don’t see this team being a serious threat at this point, but the 6-2 record certainly looks nice.  Can avenge the defeat of BG in week 13, and that game may even be for a first round bye.

7. Stanky Monkeys (3-5) – Last week: 8

Despite injuries and bye weeks, managed to pull off a much needed victory over the King.  Newton, McFadden, Hillis, Andre Johnson, Steve Smith is solid once healthy.  This team has faced much adversity and is still alive.  I must also commend the pickup of Bengals D, which Woody cut in hopes of playing the matchup game.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this team was renamed the brittle hamstrings.  I still can’t believe Fusco cut Victuh Cruz.  The transaction log indicates this occurred at 10:21 AM, Friday October 21st.  Based on my calculation, he was still drunk at this juncture.  Could be a fatal mistake.  Snapping a 5 game skid was necessary and I couldn’t be happier who it was against.

8. The King’s Crusaders (3-5) – Last week: 7

This team is fading.  A loser in 3 of 4, King is now in serious danger of falling too far behind.  Stubbornness is not paying off in the least as top draft picks DeSean, Jermichael and Vjax are serious busts.  Still inserting players randomly to the tune of 20 points, but that fiddle is about to get snapped in half over a knee.  700 miles away, I can sense the panic from this squad.  This last loss must conjure up memories of Kyle Boller.  Will meet the Monkeys again in week 13, but at that point it may be too late.  Could this team miss the playoffs for the first time ever?

9. Animals With Eyepatches (2-6) – Last week: 9

Really could have used a win in week 8.  2 games out of a playoff spot with 5 to play is not an enviable position to be in.  Meets Fusco in week 13 so could play in if it gets closer but things are not looking good.  Too many draft picks just have not panned out, and the waiver wire has not been too kind either.  Remaining schedule does not seem too difficult, but this team needs to win immediately to have a shot.  Counting on Tony Romo to get his act together, however, is a horse of a different color.

10. First Down Syndrome (1-7) – Last week: 10

A win for this team means absolutely nothing in the rankings.  This is still the worst team in the league, and I guess kept some playoff hope alive here.  Still, the best this team can do is 6-7, and even that may not be good enough.  I think got drunk and picked up the Bills D based on the transaction log.  Perhaps that’s a step in the right direction… Picking drunk instead of sober.  Got a gift with awful managerial decisions from Fusco.  May be eliminated from contention with a week 9 loss.

Week 9 matchups:

Coach Janky Spanky (6-2) v Dueling Pylons (4-4)

Lady Luck (6-2) v Animals With Eyepatches (2-6)

The Stone Masons (5-3) v First Down Syndrome (1-7)

Tequila Party Gnomes (6-2) v Stanky Monkeys (3-5)

And the game of the century…

Tweeting in the Trenches (4-4) v The King’s Crusaders (3-5)

On. The. Ropes.  If there was any phrase that could properly describe Chris Woody right now, that would be it.  He may pretend that he’s cool, calm and collected, but it’s far from the truth.  If he loses this game, he will be at least two games behind both TITTY and the Pylons, without having the tiebreaker over either.  This would mean he is essentially 3 games back with 4 to play.

The onus is on you Mr. Fusco.  After being publicly embarrassed by FDS, redemption is staring you right in the face.  You’ve never made the playoffs.  Chris has never missed them.  If you win this game, you may go down in EFFL lore as one of the biggest victors of all time.  Your grandkids will be talking about this win in 2064 when the EFFL is in its historic 60^th season.  You owe it to all of us to win this one and virtually knock Chris out of the playoffs.  If you fail to achieve this task you've been handed, the EFFL may be forced to search for a more suitable owner.  The last time these teams met, Fusco dropped 182 points in a rout.  Do not be fooled by his trade offers or reverse psychology.  He may waive the white flag on Thursday, but remind him that games are played on Sunday.  The odds may be stacked against you, but let’s go TITTY.