A Brand New Season

Was there ever any doubt what the picture of this week's blog would be??  If you live under a rock and missed the Harbaugh/Schwartz altercation, here's a quick recap.  Niners win.  Harbaugh comes sprinting off sideline and gives Schwartz a slap like your boy just made the final cup to send you into the finals of a beer pong tournament.  Schwartz goes sprinting after Harbaugh down the field and tries to beat ass.  He's then restrained by media personnel.  That's the shit!  If anybody is not on board for Lions that's fine.  I still have my historic 2008 Lions pocket schedule in a safe place.  It's a priceless item.  But this sort of emotion has been a long time coming.  Side note:  Does anybody know if the Packers and Rams played a 2nd half?  I took a good half hour to figure this out and came up empty.  Also, while watching this Monday night game I got to thinking... which New York player gets more overhyped from one good playoff run... Eli Manning or Shonn Greene?

The EFFL playoff picture is as muddled as can be.  The teams at the top seem to be safely at the top, but there is currently a 3 way tie for the 6th and final playoff spot.  If the season ended today, the #6 seed would actually belong to the seemingly dead Pylons, due to head to head wins over both other 2-4 teams.  This is a shocking development.  And with games against the bottom two teams in the next two weeks, the Pylons could actually end up at .500 after starting 0-4.  Wow.  Meanwhile, Lady Luck continued to roll, and now owns the first ever 6-0 start in EFFL history.  While I have been, and continue to remain, a huge hater, congratulations certainly are in order.  Winning 6 in a row is certainly no easy feat, but the points against are a huge, huge advantage.  This team could seemingly have a playoff spot locked up by week 9 or 10 at this rate.

It really looks like the battle is going to be for the bottom seeds, but anything can happen.  There are still 7 weeks to play, and before you know it, this will be a playoff preview.  I also cannot believe how truly awful First Down Syndrome is.  There is a serious threat that this team may not win a game all season.  It's not even like he can sell off parts for better keepers.  This year has just been a total failure thus far.  I am now on the hook and will probably need to call out of work again next Monday with a loss next week.  I hope it does not happen.

Norv of the Week: Mike Shanahan

This is the first time that there has been an outside nomination for Norv of the Week, and I must say it is well deserved.  Kurt Coleman became the first Eagles player to have 3 interceptions in a game in almost 50 years.  Fact.  I can't fathom how Rex Grossman is still a starting quarterback in this league.  Kurt Coleman of all people stated that just by watching film he knew exactly what Rex Grossman was going to do.  He's been exposed, and it's just going to go downhill.  10 targets for Jabar Gaffney says it all.  41 dropbacks for the QB's versus 12 runs.  Coming off a bye, this is just awful, awful coaching.

It really makes you wonder whether Shanahan would have won anything in Denver without Elway and Terrell Davis.  The Redskins just can't get it right.  Spurrier, Joe Gibbs, now Shanahan.  They hire coaches that seemingly are great picks, but there's a reason that no other team in the NFL wanted these guys.  They're products of good players and not the other way around.  The Skins will be at the bottom of the division before you know it.  Here's the classic clip: 

 

Not much movement at all this week.  Power Rankings after Week 6:

1. The Stone Masons (4-2) - Last week: 1

The Masons hold on to the top spot this week despite the tough loss, but the gap has closed.  Shady, FJax and Tron is a dirty triple combo, but the other pieces have not been up to snuff the past couple weeks.  It'll be interesting to see how Brandon Lloyd fares in St. Louis.  Started a remarkable 3 Buffalo Bills in week 6, setting a league record.  With the Bills and Eagles on a bye in week 7, could have a rough outing, but there is no reason at all to think this is not a playoff team.

2. Coach Janky Spanky (5-1) - Last week: 2

Easily disposed of the Eyepatches to move to 5-1.  With the bottom half of the league struggling, sit a comfortable 3 games up on a playoff spot with only 7 to go.  Has to be eyeing the most regular season points and best regular season record payout bonuses.  Jimmy Graham has been absolutely dominating and may be the fantasy MVP through 6 weeks.  I think the top 2 teams really show how important the late rounds of the draft are.  The top picks are usually close together, but being sharp while opponents are watching World Series of Poker or being pulled away from their draft by the wife will win you leagues.

3. Tweeting In The Trenches (4-2) - Last week: 3

The Jahvid Best injury is going to hurt, but I think this team is the strongest top to bottom of the next 3.  Got a huge win on Monday night to move to 4-2.  Teams 3-5 are all very close but with Frank Gore looking like his former Pylons self, there is room to grow.  This team needs to put it together and get some wins, however, because hungry teams will be gunning for TITTY as the season winds down.  Any more injuries could also be devastating, but right now this team is holding solid.

4. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-2) - Last week: 4

Got a huge win in Week 6 over a surging Woody squad and now sits in a great spot.  Could even be fighting for a first round bye before all is said and done.  Could a certain Tree be the key to a big season?  Now in his 3rd season, the former top 10 pick seemed like a forgotten man, but the 49ers are 5-1 and Crabtree could definitely be the go to guy.  Without an injury to the big 3, will be a contender for sure.  I'm a TPG fan, and even moreso when you take down Woody.

5. Lady Luck (6-0) - Last week: 5

Great start to the season.  This team has gotten 19+ points from either a kicker or defense in 5 out of 6 weeks.  I doubt this could ever happen to anybody else but Sam.  Everything just seems to fall perfectly into place.  I'm getting a little closer to bumping this squad up, but every week just seems like a fluke.  Would need a small miracle to not make the playoffs at this point.  Is very close in the rankings to the two teams ahead.

6. Dueling Pylons (2-4) - Last week: 8

Pretty much dead even with the King at this point, but gets the edge due to head to head win and 2 game winning streak.  Really feels like week 6 was the worst week the Pylons will have for awhile.  Only one player found the end zone, and it should go up from there.  Tebow mania is also about to begin.  I'm expecting more big weeks ahead, especially with the playoffs now back to being a realistic possibility.  Faces the bottom two teams in the league in the next two weeks.  Tremendous opportunity.

7. The King's Crusaders (2-4) - Last week: 6

What is going on here?  Is Jermichael Finley a bust?  Matt said it best.  Only Chris could start the Bengals D and have them break 20 points.  I don't think anybody would face this team at this point and be really scared of anyone other than Aaron Rodgers.  Needs to right the ship quickly with surging Pylons now a threat, but this team should find a way to be in it til the end.  I want to see more before I consider moving this team up.

8. Stanky Monkeys (2-4) - Last week: 7

Stanky Monkeys are reeling.  Now losers of 4 straight, and Peyton Hillis is injured.  Relying on (in no particular order) Panthers, Browns, Raiders, Jaguars players.  Needs Andre Johnson to get healthy in a desperate way.  I don't think it's any coincidence that perennial league powers have both lost top picks to injury and are both near the bottom of the standings.  Huge couple weeks coming up with games against the Eyepatches, Kings, Pylons again in the next 4 weeks.  Make or break time.

9. Animals With Eyepatches (1-5) - Last week: 9

Rough week against Janky Spanky and really never had a shot.  Needs Delicious to continue producing to stay in it.  The good news is that even still at 1-5 is only 1 game out of the playoffs, so clearly still alive.  I just look at this roster and do not see the depth or stars that many of the teams ahead have.  Dwayne Bowe is heating up and Jerome Simpson looks like he could be a player, but this team is going to need to win games sooner rather than later.

10. First Down Syndrome (0-6) - Last week: 10

Another week, another loss.  To make matters even worse, the only decent RB on the roster went down with a multi week injury.  It's even so bad that NFL teams are cutting players from their roster before FDS is.  The only real question is will Lee Evans get a spot start against the Pylons in week 7?  Only a matter of time before this team is knocked out of the playoffs.

This is the state of the league at the end of Week 6.  It is a much more enjoyable time blogging when the Pylons are coming off a win.

The week 7 matchups are:

Dueling Pylons (2-4) v First Down Syndrome (0-6)

Stanky Monkeys (2-4) v Animals With Eyepatches (1-5)

Tequila Party Gnomes (4-2) v Tweeting In The Trenches (4-2) ... a special Gents matchup

The King's Crusaders (2-4) v The Stone Masons (4-2)

and the game of the week...

Coach Janky Spanky (5-1) v Lady Luck (6-0)

These teams could actually be playing for a first round bye.  The two hottest teams in the league square off, and I think this is as much of a statement game for Sam as any.  I think moving to 7-0 and taking down the league's highest scoring team would certainly earn some respect around the league.  Conventional wisdom would say just pick Janky Spanky and move forward, but I think this will be a close game.  Should be high scoring.  I'm gonna go with the "upset" here and say Lady Luck moves to 7-0.  I'd like to see an undefeated season.

Good luck to everyone in Week 7.  Some pivotal matchups this week that can really knock some teams down a peg.

Juan Castillo is an Offensive Line Coach

Wow I can't believe what a crazy week it was.  The byes clearly had a negative effect on the scores, and many games came down to the wire.  The Pylons were able to escape with their first victory of the season while TPG was able to hang on to defeat the Masons for the first time this season.  FDS continued to prove why he is the worst team in the league.  Stanky Monkeys have ripped off a 3 game losing streak and could be in jeopardy of missing the playoffs for only the second time.  The first was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.  Nonstop questioning of "How?  That team is so nasty!" made it even that much better.

Week 5 really showed how close the teams in this league actually are.  Two teams that started out 0-4 are only a game out of a playoff spot with 8 weeks to go.  Everybody is still in it except Gambino, as it should be.  Just like it came down to one spot for three teams last year, we could end up in a similar scenario here.  I will take this time to do a little self promotion.  I've added a chat box to the main page of the league site, so you can leave messages there for the rest of the league to see.  Or during gameday post how much you can't stand the Woodys and wish they would just combine their team for the good of the league.  Week 5 was by far the lowest scoring week of the season with only two teams cracking 120.  Good to see Jimish back in solid form.  I received an anonymous text today being thankful for not playing Jimish.  Really made me laugh.  On to the total idiocy of Norv...

Norv of the Week: Andy Reid

Yes the blog title says it all.  Juan Castillo is not a defensive coordinator.  And refusing to pick a linebacker higher than the 5th round is not going to win you anything.  I vividly remember during free agency that Mr. Gravett demanded the signing of a linebacker.  One man in particular caught his eye.  Stephen Tulloch was in the top 5 in the league in tackles in 2010, and odds are most of you had never heard of him.  He played for Eagles defensive line coach Jim Washburn in his "wide 9" defense in Tennessee.  He was the perfect fit for this defense.  But, the Eagles opted for Nnamdi "The number of people I can cover equals the number of people that can pronounce my last name" Asomugha.  I don't know what this guy did in Oakland, if he only covered short and didn't have to run with the receiver.  But, he's a bust.  He's a disaster.

Going back to our boy Tulloch, he opted for an up and coming team who had never won anything, but showed tremendous promise and a commitment to stopping the run.  That team is the 5-0 Detroit Lions.  Meanwhile, the Eagles ever changing rotation of Brian Rolle, Moise (Moses) Fokou, and Casey Matthews can't stop anybody.  The team is a disaster.  Suck for Luck may actually be Suck for Gruden.  I wouldn't be surprised to see Chucky on the sidelines next year with Ron Jaworski as the QB coach and Mike Tirico as special black advisor.

A note about the power rankings... This is the first week I am truly torn in the power rankings.  Too much has gone down, and it is very difficult to rank these teams.  Do not be offended.

1. The Stone Masons (4-1) - Last Week: 1

Despite the first loss of the season, I continue to think the Masons have the best team.  If you have two #1 receivers whose teams put up a combined 55 points, you should get more than 9 fantasy points.  Just an unfortunate week where benching Reggie Wayne for Brandon Lloyd cost you a victory.  There are better days ahead, and this team is still my favorite.  Bye weeks approach, but the depth of this team is what makes it stand out above the rest.

2. Coach Janky Spanky (4-1) - Last Week: 3

This team has continued to put up consistent point totals despite still having a picture of Clinton Porits as his logo.  Obviously this week Eric Decker puts up a nasty 2 points.  For the most part this team doesn't look like it has too many holes and for the time being slides in above the rest, but I still remain a little skeptical.  Matt Forte as the #1 RB just baffles me.  In pretty good shape through 5 weeks.

3. Tweeting In The Trenches (3-2) - Last Week: 2

After giving a guarantee of victory of Lady Luck and failing, lucky to not be moved down further.  I had faith that the Fusco will would be strong enough to take down the other undefeated, but it was not to be.  I still think this team is pretty scary and has a ton of potential, but lineup decisions have been difficult so far.  Chris Johnson looks like a bust, but Welker is clearly making up for it.  I just hope this team can finally crack through and make the playoffs for the first time.

4. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-2) - Last Week: 5

Outstanding win over the top ranked team in the league.  I think Peterson had 3 TDs before the Cardinals even touched the ball on Sunday.  Leslie Frazier heeded the advice offered after he was named Norv of the Week.  FEED YOUR HORSE.  If he continues to do so, TPG becomes a very scary team.  Brady is a threat to throw for 500 every week.  This team looks like it will be able to put injuries behind them and be a contender for a bye all season.  With the win over the Masons, is only 1 game behind the spot for the bye.

5. Lady Luck (5-0) - Last Week: 7

I've been stubborn and hesitant to move this team up.  I really don't understand, but with the combination of Miles Austin's huge 2 weeks and Pierre Garcon's huge 2 weeks, they together have put up numbers only bested by Welker.  Nobody else in the league could do it.  I can't imagine this team continuing to win, but has an absolute cupcake matchup in Week 6.  I guess this is somehow a top 5 team, I just really don't know where to put a team that has only 1 good player.

6. The King's Crusaders (2-3) - Last Week: 4

Being away from fantasy football has taken its toll on this squad.  Not resorting to usual tricks of waving a white flag on Thursday, which has clearly come back to bite them.  Usual strategy of backup running backs and strong receiving corps is also not working because all the receivers are garbage.  He himself said it best when he stated this team is filled with too many boom or bust players.  This past week was a bust.  Always a contender, but right now teams ahead are just playing better.

7. Stanky Monkeys (2-3) - Last Week: 6

Is the only team in the league that has trended down week after week.  It's amazing considering this team has a top 4 QB, RB, WR, and TE.  The Andre Johnson injury is really, really hurting and this team just doesn't have the same firepower without him.  First opportunity to root against Vick comes in Week 5.  Similar to the King, this team has the potential to turn it around, but the teams ahead deserve to be there.  I think this team will be in a battle for a playoff spot all season, but more towards the bottom half.

8. Dueling Pylons (1-4) - Last Week: 8

Needed that win desperately.  With the Packers continuing to threaten to score, the lead dwindled and did not stop until the final gun.  A last minute pick by the Pack would have resulted in a tie if it had been run back for a TD.  Amazingly only a game out of the playoffs at this time and a ton of talent on the roster.  Arian Foster looks like he is back to his top 5 form from 2010 and Darren Sproles is what Reggie Bush wishes he could be.  There is more to come from the Pylons, believe me.

9. Animals With Eyepatches (1-4) - Last Week: 9

Woke up with a monster 140 point performance to absolutely destroy the league cupcake.  Didn't really need to make that big of a statement, but it was impressive nonetheless.  If this team is healthy, could definitely put together a solid group of starters.  Had to get that first win somehow.  A week 6 win would show that the one big week was not a fluke.  I'm intrigued.

10. First Down Syndrome (0-5) - Last Week: 10

5 weeks.  5 rankings of dead last.  It's not just me hating, it's your team.  Obviously Lady Luck gets the lucky opportunity of facing this team with the only 2 respectable players of the roster on a bye.  Somehow still rostering Lee Evans.  Don't even know what to say.  I'd be just shocked beyond belief if this team won more than 3 games this season.

Not too much movement in this week's rankings, but the teams are much closer together than the week before.  Good to see the league standings get a little tighter as we move into the middle of the season.  Here is what we are looking at in week 6:

Lady Luck (5-0) v First Down Syndrome (0-5) ... Barf
Stanky Monkeys (2-3) v Dueling Pylons (1-4)
Coach Janky Spanky (4-1) v Animals With Eyepatches (1-4)
Tweeting In The Trenches (3-2) v The Stone Masons (4-1)

and the game of the week...

The King's Crusaders (2-3) v Tequila Party Gnomes (3-2)

These two teams just faced each other in Week 4, and due to scheduling complications will meet for the second time in three weeks.  These teams flat out do not like each other.  Each is in a very interesting position, with TPG coming off an emotional win and the King a heartbreaking defeat.  The importance of this game so early in the season is due to the fact that the King took the first matchup, and with a win here would own the season tiebreaker over the Gnomes.  If the Gnomes can win, they would be 2 games up with a split of the season series.  Narrowly holding onto a playoff spot, a loss for King would create a massive battle for one of the final spots.  I like what I've seen from TPG, and the byes for the Crusaders seem to me to be too much.  I'm taking TPG.

I may be passing through the tri-state area this Sunday so perhaps some football watching is in order?  Either way I look forward to hearing the rants from you all as the games get that much more tense.  Use the chat box!!

Who Got The Memo?

Normally, when you see a picture like this, you would expect it to be me photographed.  In a totally heterosexual way, you might be wondering "Who is this guy???"  Here's a hint... The man photographed in the picture above scored two touchdowns this week, leading Coach Janky Spanky to another monster game.  He is none other than University of Minnesota product Eric Decker.  As I write this, Mark Teixeira is beaned.  LOL.  Anyway, this might just be one of the craziest seasons I have ever seen.  If I would have sat you down at the draft, told you the secrets to life... that to lead your team to the fantasy promised land you should hang your hat on the trio of Matt Forte, Eric Decker, and Jimmy Graham, what would you have told me?  You'd have said I was a crazy person.  This shouldn't be the way that things go down, yet I was pillaged and violated for 157 points this week.  If you're counting, which any good EFFL owner is, that makes 593 points allowed for the Dueling Pylons this week.  148.25 points against per week.  What. The. Fuck.

Something I did has angered the fantasy gods beyond belief.  The 593 points are by far the most scored against any team in a 4 game span in EFFL history.  It eclipses the previous record also of 574 also held by the Pylons in the 2009 season.  I'll admit, my team has not been up to snuff so far, but this is just awful.  It makes football not fun.  Combined with the fact that the Eagles have been a total trainwreck, the 2011 season has not been kind.  If not for a need to travel from NJ back to NY on Sunday, I probably would have had to call out of work for the second time in four weeks.  And yes, after week 2 I did call in sick due to alcohol related illnesses.  Speaking of the Eagles...

Norv of the Week recipient Week 4: Ronnie Brown

This is the first time that the Norv award has not gone to a head coach.  But now that I think a little more, Andy Reid is very much responsible.  Since the Wildcat last worked in 1972, every time a running back who is notorious for running the formation has entered the game, he has run it up the middle.  You bring Ronnie Brown in the game on 3rd and goal from the 1 and nobody is fooled.  He's getting the ball and not throwing it.  That was half of the success of the Wildcat was the threat to actually throw the ball.  But this strategy has been scrapped and it was blatantly obvious to everyone in the building what was coming.  I continue to push the same philosophy.  If everybody in the stands knows what's coming, you can be damn sure the opponent does too.

Now to the play... What can possibly be going through your mind that would cause you to throw the ball away on 3rd and goal from the 1... MARTINEZ!!!!!!  Eat it Burnett!!!!!  So you're being tackled at the goal line.  A sure 3 points are in your grasp if you just go down like a normal person.  But you don't.  You decide to try and throw the ball randomly to a teammate who has never seen a person being tackled at the goal line actually try to throw the ball to another person.  This play may have defined the 2011 Eagles season, and if it has you can be damn sure Andy is gone.  This is pretty much all Ronnie Brown has done well all season: http://yfrog.com/kj1m8puj  Disaster of a day on Sunday.  Ronnie just was the man to receive the brunt of the blow.

Power Rankings after Week 4

1. The Stone Masons (4-0) - Last Week: 1

Another week and another victory for the Masons.  4-0 for the first time and feeling pretty good about it.  There was a sense of panic at a few points both Sunday and Monday.  The reality that the Masons may actually lose to FDS weighed heavily on BG.  But thankfully Josh Freeman came through on Monday night and saw the Masons through.  Any time you go up against Gambino on a Monday night bad things can happen, but after an awful performance Sunday night, it was inevitable that this team would prevail.

2. Tweeting In The Trenches (3-1) - Last Week: 2

I spoke with a very candid Chris Fusco who told me in an exclusive interview that this was the year of the TITTY.  While I cannot argue that this has been a good year for some titty, I am a little hesitant that fantasy football is the forum for this decision.  Each week, however, this team is slowly growing on me a little bit more.  Interesting to note that Fusco has never made the playoffs in his two year EFFL tenure and that the Masons have missed the playoffs three years running.  There is a changing of the guard in this league.

3. Coach Janky Spanky (3-1) - Last Week: 4

When you put up the second high score of the week and the team in front of you gets blown out, you're going to move up.  Building on an already #1 points scored total, EEB gave it to me hard on Sunday and didn't stop until there was a hole in the bottom of the Pylon, if you know what I mean.  If you don't, I'm insinuating that EEB likes to hump long orange sticks.  Maybe this team is for real?  I just can't convince myself that these are the players that are going to lead a team to the championship this year.  Either way, this top 3 I believe is clearly ahead of the lower competition at this point.

4. The King's Crusaders (2-2) - Last Week: 7

I move the King up a lot this week due to the outstanding week 4 performance.  The middle of the pack is very jumbled right now, and to me the King looks the best of all the 2-2 teams.  Aaron Rodgers put on a masterful performance and carried this team to victory.  If you want to take any solace in the 2 game win streak, know that Chris is rooting for players he cannot stand.  The classic Woody line is "oh I just try to get players I like", and the fact that he's gotta do it with Eagles and time share RBs is quite exciting.

5. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-2) - Last Week: 3

Perhaps I got a little ahead of myself last week in bumping the Gnomes up to 3.  The reality is that I continue to push the Brady/Peterson/Wallace combo.  This team is so heavily invested in those three players that in a week like this past one, it is almost impossible to win.  All three were just average, and the complimentary pieces just did not get the job done.  I'm in a wait and see approach with this team, but this is one of those squads that if you can get into the playoffs anything can happen.  This can easily be a monster team down the stretch but must win a couple games in this key stretch.

6. Stanky Monkeys (2-2) - Last Week: 5

Not good.  The Monkeys have plummeted after starting off very strong, and things could take a turn for the worse with the injury to Andre Johnson.   Made a deal with the Pylons to acquire super stud Steve Smith and is now all in on the Panthers.  Going into the season, if you told me that you were all in on Panthers I would have laughed and written you off.  But that's certainly not the case now.  Especially since the 4-0 Masons are all in on Bills and Lions.  This team is really hanging in the balance and will certainly make it's mark in the next few weeks, good or bad.

7. Lady Luck (4-0) - Last Week: 7

I don't know how I can possibly move this team up.  60 points from Pierre Garcon and Ravens D??? Seriously??  The only person that is more upset about this than me is your opponent who certainly thought he had a victory locked up.  Injuries were bad enough, but now with the bye weeks coming it'll be interesting to see how much Luck this team continues to get.  For the record, through 4 weeks this team is allowing 50 points fewer per game than I am.  The breakdown shows truly how lucky, again, this team is.  I expect that 0 to increase exponentially.

8. Dueling Pylons (0-4) - Last Week: 8

Another week and another crushing defeat for the Pylons.  Things looked so promising throughout the 1 o clock games, but the hits just didn't stop coming.  A 200 yard game from Matt Forte?  Come on man.  Sproles tackled at the 1 followed by immediate Brees to Graham TD?  Uncalled for.  Is 0-4 too big a hole to dig out of?  It's gonna get very very ugly if this team cannot win immediately.  So much potential will go to waste.  A special shout out to TPG for taking it easy on the Pylons by only scoring 138 against me.  That's seriously how bad it's been.

9. Animals With Eyepatches (0-4) - Last Week: 9

Nothing really new to report here.  The Eyepatches put together another lackluster effort and wound up taking a TITTY to the chin.  Faces league scrub this week and without a win, all hope will truly be lost.  I'm a fan of the Eyepatches and think the roster can be competitive, but again some of the lineup decisions are questionable at best.

10. First Down Syndrome (0-4) - Last Week: 10

What can be said about this team that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan?  It looks bombed out and depleted... HATE HATE HATE.  Broke 110 points for the first time which is great success!!  As it stands cannot even field a team in week 5 without some significant help from the waiver wire.  It's truly a waste of my time to even write about how awful this team is.  If you lose to this team, you deserve to have your team fold.

Week 5 Matchups

Dueling Pylons (0-4) v The King's Crusaders (2-2)
Coach Janky Spanky (3-1) v Stanky Monkeys (2-2)
Tweeting In The Trenches (3-1) v Hard Knocks (4-0)
Tequila Party Gnomes (2-2) v The Stone Masons (4-0)

Game of the week:

Animals With Eyepatches (0-4) v First Down Syndrome (0-4)

This is truly the toilet bowl of 2011, and it happens already in Week 5.  I'm so skeptical of both of these teams that I really believe this is the 9th place game.  The loser may not win a game all season.  It's pretty sad because I believe that had the World Series of Poker not been on the TV, First Down Syndrome may actually be able to form a team.  I'm going with the Eyepatches in this one.  I want to see Nick be the first winless team in EFFL history.

That's all for week 4... Another week that I am choosing to hopefully block out of my memory.  This season is going way too fast.  Good luck.

Celebs Gather To Cheer On Pylons

Damn son.  It’s only been 3 weeks, and players are dropping like flies.  I tried to avoid confrontation after a Michael Vick cheap shot (eat asshole Trent Dilfer).  By tried I mean yelling things like “these people are still under the impression that Eli is a good quarterback” in a NY sports bar.  Things like, “at least I’m not wearing an Eli Manning jersey”.  No joke to you, after an Owen Schmitt leap over a defender I screamed out “THAT’S HOW THEY DO IT IN MORGANTOWN”.  I was all fired up.  Then, it came crashing down when for some unknown reason the running game failed.  Shocker.  Apparently the Calvin Johnson rule doesn’t apply to Victor Cruz.  Please explain that one to me because I can’t get a grip on it.

When the game had finally ended, I was left chugging out of a tower of Bud Light.  My sorrow was turned to curiosity, however, as after the check was paid, one fine piece of ace strolled by the group’s table.  Who was this piece?  None other than Kim Kardashian.  Again, despite my team being a joke, this is a no joke blog.  I have the picture if you want proof.  Kim and Kris Humphries strolled in and sat at a table nearby, hoping to enjoy the Jets game.  I was floored.  Every female I knew in the vicinity immediately returned in a sprint to the bar, hoping to catch a glimpse of Ms. Ray J.  It was quite the day.

Anyway, on to the Norv of the Week and how the EFFL landscape is shaping up.

Norv of the Week recipient Week 3: Leslie Frazier

I’d venture to guess that many of you were unaware that this man was the coach of the Minnesota Vikings.  No doubt a beneficiary of the Rooney rule, Frazier is so far in over his head, he doesn’t know which his head is and which his ass is.  At least back in the days of Childress, he was so scared of Peterson that he would just cave to whatever demands he wanted.  But Frazier is so full of himself that it’s forced the team into an 0-3 start.  In each of these three losses, the Vikings have blown massive leads.  The Vikings have outscored opponents 54-7.  In the second half and overtime, the Vikings have been outscored 67-6!!!  At some point, Peterson is going to combust.  Leslie Frazier is going to get speared and sent to the hospital.

The formula is simple… If you have a lead, feed your horse.  The more slop the better.  You have the best running back in football and you have a double digit lead in the second half.  I really thought there couldn’t be anybody dumber than Brad Childress but I’ve been proven wrong.  I saw a vintage McNabb pass in which Percy Harvin was wide open down the sideline.  If he leads the receiver Harvin is off to the races.  But where is the ball?  It’s thrown short and at his feet so Harvin has to dive to the ground to catch it and a defender touches him down.  McNabb was benched for Rex Grossman.  Stop being an idiot.  Feed Peterson.  He’s hungry.

After 3 weeks, the Power Rankings have not shifted much.  There is a good and bad to this.  The good part is that I know what I am talking about and that I can evaluate teams objectively.  The bad part is that my team is absolutely terrible.  Here’s where we stand after Week 3.

1. The Stone Masons (3-0) – Last week: 1

Wow, what a week for the Masons.  Left a double digit performance from Derrick Mason on the bench and still delivered in a big way over the #2 team.  Violating rule #1 of fantasy football in a massive way by rostering (and possibly starting this week) 3 Bills.  But maybe the tide is turning in the NFL.  Bills 3-0, Masons 3-0.  Similar to last week, I see no reason to move this team from the top spot.  This team looked good on paper, and delivered on the field.  Already equaling last year’s win total is a big step.  Look for this strong team to keep it up.

2. Tweeting In The Trenches (2-1) – Last week: 3

Despite a loss, I had to move TITTY up.  Some of you may disagree, but I think 2 TITTY is better than 3 TITTY.  Despite the team’s top 2 running backs being subpar thus far, other players are contributing in a major way.  A 50 point effort from Wes Welker makes me cringe, and even moreso since it was all for naught.  I like this team’s potential and I hate every one of his players.  I’m glad I’m done until the postseason.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-1) – Last week: 4

The next 3 teams are very close, but a Petty Poo 11 catch explosion was absolutely uncalled for.  Brady is on pace for 7,000 yards, which would put this team at 5 alone with no other players.  TPG has quietly put up 3 very nice weeks, and if not for a week 2 meltdown at the hands of the Monkeys, would certainly be 3-0.  The cure for a win?  Facing Woody 2 out of the next 3 weeks.  Take up your beef with the schedule maker.

4. Coach Janky Spanky (2-1) – Last week: 5

7:30 AM on Tuesday morning and I’m already getting texts about where this team will be in the power rankings.  #1 in points through 3 weeks, yet I look at your team and I’m not impressed.  Every week I look at the roster and think to myself “Wow, I don’t think this team will do as well next week”.  I will compliment EEB in that he has done very well thus far with lineup decisions.  He has seemed to pick the right guys to use every week, which can certainly make a big difference.  Once the bye weeks hit, I think there could be some issues.

5. Stanky Monkeys (2-1) – Last week: 2

Went to go drink at the Eagles game and did not check lineup before 1 PM.  Peyton Hillis developed strep throat over the weekend and was unable to go against a hapless Dolphins team.  Still would not have won, but this again is a concern that resonates with TPG.  Outside of the big guns, there is not much else.  I think this team may have some struggles in the coming weeks as well, but for the time being is in OK shape.  The lack of focus by the owner certainly hurt this team in the power rankings.

6. Hard Knocks (3-0) – Last week: 6

If I told you that Samuel Woody was 3-0 for the 3^rd straight year, would you believe me?  It is hard to fathom how such an atrocity has been committed.  299, 294, 258…. This is the total amount of points scored against Sam in the first 3 games of each of the last 3 years.  This is a call to action for all league members.  This must stop.  Losing Kenny Britt for the season, and having Miles Austin and Marques Colston out for an extended period of time is going to severely hurt this team, and I fully expect some losses in the coming weeks.

7. The King’s Crusaders (1-2) – Last week: 7

This team has scored over 120 in all 3 weeks yet is 7^th in scoring.  That’s how tough it is this year.  I think there is some undeserved hubris going on here, as beating a retarded kid is not something to hang your hat on.  I don’t know, nothing about this team really stands out and to me the teams ahead on this list all look better.  Could have a rough go of it, as 6 of the next 7 games are against my top 5 teams.  Make or break time will be coming soon.

8. Dueling Pylons (0-3) – Last week: 9

If I had stuck to my gut and started Darren Sproles, would have put up 130 points.  Still would have been a loss, but this team has potential.  Wide Receivers really need to get their act together or this team will be in some serious trouble.  Needs a win desperately, but at this point it appears there is a decent sized gap between the top 7 and the bottom 3.  Not having 3 of your top 5 picks is a huge burden.

9. Animals With Eyepatches (0-3) – Last week: 8

60 points.  Absolutely nothing went right for the Eyepatches in Week 3.  84 points were left on the bench.  Lineup decisions are definitely costing this team right now.  Fighting hard with Gambino for the bottom spot, but stayed out simply due to the fact that this team at some point has been able to break 110 points.  It is very likely that the Eyepatches could be meeting FDS in a real life toilet bowl next week.

10. First Down Syndrome (0-3) – Last week: 10

It’s week 3 and I’m already willing to ask it… Will this team win a game in 2011?  108 points may turn out to be a season high for this team.  It’s not even bad lineup decisions; this just comes down to awful drafting.  If you want to see the importance of having solid keepers look no further than this team.  Lee Evans in the 7^th round was far worse than Burleson in the 4^th.  Probably has a calf tat like Rex Ryan.  Faces top ranked BG and will probably be clowned again in week 4.

The week 4 pivotal matchups are as follows:

The Stone Masons (3-0) v First Down Syndrome (3-0)

Tweeting in the Trenches (2-1) v Animals With Eyepatches (0-3)

Lady Luck (3-0) v Stanky Monkeys (2-1)

The King’s Crusaders (1-2) v Tequila Party Gnomes (2-1)

And the game of the week…

Dueling Pylons (0-3) v Coach Janky Spanky (2-1)

I am not a big believer of the ESPN projections, but they project this to be the highest scoring match of the week.  The Pylons absolutely cannot fall into an 0-4 hole.  No team that has started 0-4 has ever made the EFFL playoffs.  This is a real turning point in the season.  EEB can take a step into becoming a serious contender in 2011, or can fall right into the middle of the pack with a loss.  These teams have only met twice, with the Pylons taking both meetings.  I’m hoping Matt Forte blows out a knee or something.  This is absolutely the turning point in the season for both of these teams, and it may come down to Monday night with Mike “Young Buc” Williams looking to let that boy chef on national TV.  I’m picking Coach Janky Spanky to make my life miserable.

Good luck week 4 everyone.  And don't forget... Let that boy cook.  Let that, let that boy cook.

No Words

 

I tried to think of a creative title to put at the top of this post, but in the end, the title is exactly how I feel.  The time was approximately 1:15 PM.  I was surrounded by TVs in a bar setting and tried to see all 10 games going at once.  I was able to see 9 out of 10, but could not get a view of Lions-Chiefs (which was devastating to begin with).  I alerted TPG to my predicament, and asked for updates on that game.  Not even 5 minutes later I got the text. "Jamaal is down, knee injury.  They're bringing out the cart, looks bad".

Fuck.

The NFL needs to seriously consider why they have a potential injury hazard on the ground.  This piece of plastic could have cost me millions.  Look at that picture.  That dark beast with dreadlocks is reduced to tears because of this stupid piece of plastic they keep at the first down marker.  There are no words to describe the feeling of disgust when your #1 pick gets taken out.  It would never, ever happen to Sam Woody.  I know EEB is a big Jamaal guy, and he has him in another league, so this is just a devastating blow.  You can't look at that picture and not be upset.  I'm tearing up just writing this blog.  The worst words you can hear in the league are "Torn ACL".  Ehhhh, second worst.  #1 would be "Andy's going on a diet"...

Norv of the week recipient week 2: Jack Del Rio

Jack Of The River.  What can be said about you and your decisions to release David Garrard.  Long a BG favorite, Garrard is arguably the best QB in franchise history, depending on your thoughts of Mark Brunell.  I understand that you drafted a QB in the first round.  We all get that when you have an opportunity to draft a QB with the initials BG you jump all over it.  Gabbert to Shorts has a fantastic ring to it.  We even all can understand that you want your rookie QB to learn from a veteran.  But that veteran, in no way, shape or form, can be Luke McCown.  I don't know if he's related to that other McClown, Cade.  I don't care.  I think there was another clown brother along the way.  Josh?  Whatever.

Here are some fun facts on Luke McCown: Actually won a game last week.  9 career TD passes at the ripe age of 30.  WHY DO YOU CUT DAVID GARRARD AND START THIS GUY??????  Do you know what McCown's QB rating was yesterday?  1.8  ... I'm serious.  Clown didn't even know who was on his team and who was on the New York Titans.  6 completed passes to Jaguars.  4 completed passes to Jets.  Oh, he also got tackled for a safety.  It was so painful to watch this guy pretend to be an NFL quarterback.  Of The River was finally forced to insert BG in the 4th quarter.  I guess he thought Luke still had a shot for a comeback down 29-3.  You'll be gone soon Jack.  This type of nonsense is the reason why.  McCown currently is owned in 0.7% of fantasy leagues.  Something is afoot.

Power Rankings after Week 2:

1. The Stone Masons (2-0) - Last week: 1

Another week and another impressive victory for the Masons.  Even the bench got into it this week too.  LeSean McCoy looks unstoppable so far and the receiver combination is arguably the best in the league.  The Lions defense looks dominant and actually is turning out to be a real asset.  Looking real good so far, so no need to change my ranking here.

2. Stanky Monkeys (2-0) - Last week: 2

Wow.  The hits just didn't stop coming all day Sunday, and Tony Gonzalez exploded to give the Monkeys a huge comeback win.  McFadden and AJ did their thing, but the monster weeks from Hillis and Tony G were the difference.  Even a nice showing from Nate Burleson.  Dangerous team.  Even if Vick is hurt for an extended period of time, Cam Newton is a very capable fill in.  Looking strong as well, so again no need for change.

3. Tweeting In The Trenches (2-0) - Last week: 3

A big week could have been even bigger with the use of Jahvid Best.  The Jets defense putting up 20 in back to back weeks is a huge boost when your opponent is having just an average week.  Matt Stafford looks like the real deal.  Decent depth, overloaded at RB, below average at the TE position.  I smell a trade with the Pylons in the near future.

4. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-1) - Last week: 5

Yes TPG lost, and yes TPG got bumped up.  Putting up 147 points in defeat is gut-wrenching, especially when you're done in by Tony Gonzalez.  I know you're demanding he retire.  Perhaps it's time to join Twitter so you can tell him yourself.  Also, just saw your new logo so props on that.  Hernandez is a little banged up, so perhaps you'll be picking up the phone and dialing the Pylons.  My concerns remain, however, in that if Brady or Peterson have a down week, things could go poorly.  Returns from injury will certainly help.

5. Coach Janky Spanky (1-1) - Last week: 7

EEB told me during the week that he had some beef with my #7 ranking from last week.  He also told me that he would be moving up the charts sooner rather than later.  His statements proved to be correct.  A monster game from Jeremy Maclin was the deciding factor.  Also huge performances from AJ Green and Eric Decker on the bench means this team may not be as bad at WR as initially feared.  Then again this is probably the highest point total you'll have all season, but this team's stock is certainly on the rise.

6. Hard Knocks (2-0) - Last week: 8

2-0 is a solid start, but this team definitely looks like the weakest of all the 2-0 teams.  Each Miles Austin touchdown just twisted the knife in the wound inflicted by Jamaal Charles.  His injury could be a big blow to this team that has absolutely zero depth.  Boom or bust team for sure, and two very good weeks so far, but it just doesn't pass the smell test to me.

7. The King's Crusaders (0-2) - Last week: 6

Done in by the Eagles.  That's gotta be an awful feeling.  Making fun of my team's injuries cannot cover the fact that you are 0-2 and staring a shaming in the face with 0-2 Gambino coming to town next week.  Getting 300 points scored on you in two weeks doesn't help matters obviously.  But I think this team is going to start getting near panic mode.  Prepare yourselves for lots of trade offers this week.

8. Animals With Eyepatches (0-2) - Last week: 9

I think Jimish is about even with Chris and Sam right now.  Left 115 points on the bench this week, which certainly could have made a big difference in the outcome of the game, but an entire roster of players with average weeks is more often than not gonna result in a loss.  Nobody exploded, so didn't really have the chance for a big week.  Needs a win badly or this season could turn ugly very quick.

9. Dueling Pylons (0-2) - Last week: 4

Absolutely everything went wrong for the Pylons in Week 2.  Lost Jamaal Charles for the season.  Foster tweaked his hamstring.  Gates and Mike Williams were blanketed with double and triple coverage.  The lone bright spot was another big game from Steege Smiff.  This team still has a ton of talent, but it may be time for some changes.  0-3 would be disastrous.

10. First Down Syndrome (0-2) - Last week: 10

League cupcake.  Still under the impression that Shonn Greene is a good player.  Bench put up a monster 28 points combined.  Your team might have been good in 2007.  Did you see this team name on a Wheel of Fortune Before & After puzzle?  FDS, the team's abbreviation, actually represents the old adage from Animal House... Fat, Drunk and Stupid.  It's no way to go through life son.  I honestly can't see any way this team makes the playoffs.  Perhaps a miracle waiver wire pickup??? I don't know.  None of my feelings from after week 1 have changed.

Week 3 should be interesting as there could really start to be some separation in this league.  All of the 0-2 teams are in danger if they cannot salvage a week 3 victory.  Here are the matchups:

Dueling Pylons (0-2) v Tequila Party Gnomes (1-1) - Lions/Vikings... Enough said.

Tweeting In The Trenches (2-0) v Coach Janky Spanky (1-1) - Excited for this one.  Could be a statement game for Fusco.

Hard Knocks (2-0) v Animals With Eyepatches (0-2) - Jimish really needs to win this.

First Down Syndrome (0-2) v The King's Crusaders (0-2) - Toilet bowl.

and the game of the week...

Stanky Monkeys (2-0) v The Stone Masons (2-0):

I think these are the league's two best teams, so obviously this is gonna be one to watch.  These teams have had vastly different fortunes throughout EFFL history, so this is important to see if the Masons can take the next step to becoming the league's elite.  They are #1 in my power rankings for a reason, and I believe they win it and move to 3-0.  Regardless, the winner of this game will be in a great position at the top of the league.

Looking forward to hearing some feedback, and keep an eye out for those Woody trades.

Shady's Back, Tell a Friend

First of all I wanted to welcome everybody back to the 2011 EFFL season. The trophy is finally back in the hands of the commissioner so it can be properly distributed. Also, I'm glad we were able to get 8 out of 10 together to draft, and I think it turned out better than expected this year. League members... please leave at least one Friday or Saturday around labor day free next year so we can do the draft in AC again. I think it works out best for everyone, especially Lou. I think hosting this year got him a little frazzled when he took Nate Burleson in the first round.

I've also decided that I've been too nice in the blog in the past. This will change. The blog will no longer feature game recaps. The format will be that of power rankings as I see it. This way I can verbally (electronically) assault each of you personally and the bashing will be easier to find. I will still do previews for the next week's games. A new section will commence called "jackass of the week". This will be a weekly ripping of an NFL personality who deserves to switch salaries with me. Most weeks the recipient would likely be Norv Turner... so now that I think about it we're calling it Norv of the week.

Norv of the week recipient week 1: Jason Garrett.

This man is a clown. The Dallas Cowboys are a perennial loser. "America's Team", who nobody actually likes, went 15 years without winning a playoff game. Jason Garrett called the plays for these losers while Wade Phillips was paraded around like a puppet as a fake coach. How do you reward this loser? A promotion! Of course! Jerry Jones has added an additional field to the list of things you can suck at and be promoted. It joins meteorology.

Anyway, the reason Garrett wins Norv of the week is because the Cowboys had the Jets on the ropes... Up 14 points in the 4th quarter and at the Jets 1 yard line, this boner decides to run back to back plays out of the shotgun. Romo fumbles, a punt gets blocked, Romo gets picked, and the rest is history. Just run the ball up the middle, that's it. Or is it you lack confidence and nobody respects you because you took the reins and cut the whole o line. Either way, you earned Norv status. Congratulations asshole. Side note... Don't throw at Revis and try to blame Dez for not coming back to a ball that he had no shot at. Man up Romo... although we know that's not his style. Congratulations Jimish, that's your qb.

Power Rankings after week 1:

1. The Stone Masons (1-0)

I said it leaving the draft.. I thought this was the team to beat. Usually I just blow smoke up bg's ass in hopes that he doesn't threaten to quit, but this time I really mean it. I think the Masons have turned a corner and I fully expect this team to contend all year. Could potentially wind up with the #1 rb and wr this year and will be very tough to beat. Dropping 140 on EEB this week and causing him emotional angst earned you extra points in my book. I can't remember anyone being so fired up at a draft and it turns out the man did his homework in the offseason. While the players were locked out, bg was hungry for knowledge. Congrats on a nice start.

2. Stanky Monkeys (1-0)

Mike Vick is going to have a monster season. I'm a believer 100%. I think between Vick, run Dmc and Andre Johnson, it's going to take a miracle for this team not to be a threat every single week. Based on potential I put this team right there with the Masons. I challenge you all to find something funnier than the range of emotion Lou goes through in assessing his own team. Draft Burleson.. happy. Hear laughter from all 8 other members in the league who have a clue.. sadness. Convinces himself that his team is still nasty after staring at the draft board.. happy. Vital member of the league.

3. Tweeting In The Trenches (1-0)

I was torn on this team. On one hand the owner still signs his high school football number on checks and his self portrait. On the other hand this team is pretty solid top to bottom. If Matt Stafford turns out to be a top 10 qb, this team is a shoe in for the playoffs. Consistency still concerns me a bit, but this team deserves to be in this spot. Frank Gore may be stuck in a fantasy quagmire (giggity) all season. I'm grateful that I don't need to see another text until at least December that says "titttyyyyy". It's nowhere near as good as the real thing. Oh that Eli.

4. Dueling Pylons (0-1)

Yes, that's right... I said it. Think about it. This team put up 120 without a 2nd round pick, a 5th round pick, all while leaving over 80 points on the bench. Faced the top score in week 1, but this team has as much potential as any in the league. Poor lineup decisions and a rash of injuries hurt, but the future is bright. For all you haters.. Steve Smith is back. It's gonna get ugly for teams in coming weeks facing the Pylons. In the great words of Robert Kelly... "haters wanna hate. lovers wanna love. I don't even want none of the above. I want to piss on you".

5. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-0)

Brady and Peterson is a dirty combo. Rest of team looks solid, but not spectacular yet. Either way this team can't be ranked any lower than this at this point. I think UJ was a little nervous as Sunday rolled on, but Monday night proved to be fantastic. I'm not a big fan of this team's depth but a definite contender. Being in a tough division will make them work.

6. The King's Crusaders (0-1)

Had a rough go of it week 1. Perhaps it was just bad luck, but I don't think this team has the potential right now to put up monster weeks that frequently. Mired in trade talks all week, some focus on the task at hand was most likely lost. I'm hoping this is the year the king just crashes and burns. It's unlikely with the teams below though.

7. Coach Janky Spanky (0-1)

The victim of a bg spanking, Janky Spanky has been sent right back to his frequent last place. I'll admit it was a nice week 1, but I think it was more an aberration than reality. A couple nice late round picks could catapult this team. EEB is the winner of best dressed at the draft. If you're gonna draft shitty players you might as well do it in style. Side note, the first 3 jerseys I saw in DC on Sunday were all Sean Taylor jerseys. How pathetic is your team that everyone wears the guy who got shot in the groin and is deceased.

8. Hard Knocks (1-0)

First of all you dropped 2 spots due to your team name. I'd be willing to bet that this is the best Sam does all season. It was a perfect storm in week 1 and that's it. I'm not scared of this team and I'm sure the rest of the league shares that sentiment. Props on making the draft this year, but you still haven't learned that tipping your hand to your brother only gets you screwed in the end. I will have the trophy for you soon.

9. Animals With Eyepatches (0-1)

Jimish gets the nod here because he made his picks in a timely fashion this year.Delicious and D.Bo obviously won't be that bad on a normal basis but I'm not sure this team has game breaking ability at this juncture. More often than not I'd expect somewhere in the 90-110 range, which is no longer very intimidating in this league. Gonna need to see something more in week 2 for me to change my mind. Still the best logo in the league.

10. First Down Syndrome (0-1)

This was the most obvious ranking. Who knew the team name change represented a recently diagnosed condition. This is the worst team in the league. Drank the shonn greene kool aid and saved the rest of the league. Actually started Lee Evans. I could honestly go on for days. It's gonna be a very very long season for these cellar dwellers. Thanks for your $75 donation. Maybe you should have drafted Laveraneus Coles.

As we move into week 2 here are the matchups this weekend:

The Stone Masons (1-0) v Animals With Eyepatches (0-1)
Hard Knocks (1-0) v Dueling Pylons (0-1)
Tequila Party Gnomes (1-0) v Stanky Monkeys (1-0)
TITTY (1-0) v First Down Syndrome (0-1) ... lol

and the game of the week...

Coach Janky Spanky (0-1) v The King's Crusaders (0-1)

This has become one of the biggest rivalries in the EFFL. Each owner spends hours upon hours reading about fantasy and touting the next big thing. Whether it be a 3rd string running back or the length of the grass on the field... all bases are covered. So as we enter week 2 each finds themselves in a precarious position. As EEB knows first hand, a slow start can be too big a hole to dig yourself out of. This is the only winless matchup of week 2 so the loser will be guaranteed to be in last place. There is a ton of pride at stake here, and if these two don't express it to each other directly, I'm always informed of how satisfying it is when one beats the other. I am still a believer in the woody squad and am picking him here, but this is definitely gonna be a close one.

I hope you enjoyed week 1 and the new blog format, but if not I'll listen to the critics. Good luck to everyone this week.

Familiar Semifinals

We are down to only 4 teams in the race for the 6^th EFFL crown. Somehow yet again the King and Stanky Monkeys are both still alive. They could face each other in the final for the third straight season. Nobody wants that. Let’s see how each team got to where it is today.

Stanky Monkeys 144 – Animals With Eyepatches 77:

What an unfortunate turn of events for Jimish. This was the hottest team to start the season. A loss in the final week saw the Eyepatches lose the overall points lead and lose the tie for the best record. To make matters worse, this beatdown ensured the Eyepatches will leave this season with no money. I wouldn’t have believed that would happen just a couple weeks ago. The Monkeys are peaking at the right time. The Vick/McFadden/Wayne combo looks to be… dare I say it…. Nasty. Team is looking very tough at this point and this game was never really close. Stanky Monkeys have now won 7 out of their last 9 and have put up ridiculous points in 6 straight, with an average of 146 points. I think this is the most dangerous team remaining in the playoffs, and at this point have to label them the favorite. Lou has now reached the semifinals in 4 straight years, and honestly I’m tired of paying out this clown.

Dueling Pylons 105 – Tequila Party Gnomes 98:

Heading into the Sunday night the Pylons seemed to be in some trouble, and at about 10:30 PM it seemed the Pylons season was doomed. Then it happened. A quick out route to DeSean Jackson, a quick turn up field and missed tackle, and it was off to the races. Sprinting 91 yards to the house on what he described as a 60% ankle, the hopes and dreams of the Gnomes took a jarring hit. To make matters worse, the Pylons and Gnomes also squared off in another inferior league. I also had DeSean in that league. The true definition of a double nidge. In all my years of fantasy football, I have never witnessed a man so broken over a single play. I can say that with 100% confidence. The Gnomes had a chance to come back Monday night, but Arian Foster was enough to hold off the Gnomes. Over 2 leagues, Matt was 0-5 against me this year. If you’re still reading the blog and see this, I’m sorry. You’re a true competitor. The Pylons technically are the league’s hottest team winning 7 of 8, but this team needs to step it up in the final 2 weeks big time.

And the games to determine the 2 members that will head to the finals are...

#1 Maybe This Time (9-4) v. #5 Stanky Monkeys (8-5-1):

This marks the first time Lou and Sam have met after Week 12. And when these two teams met back in Week 10 Lou won the game by 102 points. Yes that’s the margin of victory. I’m sure Sam will not have forgotten that. Sam has not won a playoff game in 5 years. That’s also not a misprint either. A banged up Peterson could be a problem for Sam. Just looking at this matchup I really don’t think that Sam’s chances are that great. I could be wrong but Lou’s team just looks too strong at this point. Great trades and great waiver pickups have been the key to fix an awful draft. I’m not gonna lie I see the Monkeys in the finals for a third straight year.

#2 The King’s Crusaders (8-5) v. #3 Dueling Pylons (10-4):

The number of the seeds is obviously not representative of the team records in this matchup. These teams have been virtually identical all season and this is sure to be a very close battle. The Pylons entire roster will be playing at 1 PM so there will only be one chance to continue the season. Likewise with the other matchup, these teams have never met after Week 12 so this weekend should be interesting. The Pylons have also never won more than 10 games in a season and will be looking to reach the championship for the first time ever. If it’s King-Stanky for the third year in a row I don’t know what I’ll do. This league needs some accountability. I know picking myself dooms my chances, but I can’t pick a 3-peat finals. Let’s go Pylons.

Good luck to the 4 teams remaining in your quest for a championship.

Round 1 Awaits

The regular season is finally in the books, and what a finish it was. The last playoff spot literally came down to the final minutes of the final Monday night game, and the season ended in despair for Johnson's Farm. Yet another close Monday night game, and in the end his team fell just 2 points short. Nick finished the season as the low scorer in the league and really did not even deserve to be in. The Farm lost their last 4 games to eliminate himself.

Also lost in week 13 was the strong push by TITTY to get into the playoffs that fell short. Finishing as the high scorer in the regular season, Fusco missed the playoffs and must be distraught. This tends to happen every now and then, but this one has to hurt. The game that really made the difference was the Week 5 Brett Favre Monday night disaster against said Farm. With this win, things would have been different in the EFFL. Enough talk about the losers. Let's get on to the teams that have a shot to take home the EFFL crown.

1. Maybe This Time (9-4): With Jimish losing, Sam locked up the bye and the #1 seed in the league due to tiebreaker over the Pylons. It is an outstanding feat to get the top seed and a bye in this league and congratulations are in order. After Chris acquired MJD from the Gnomes, he told me he was going to be trading him to you for Peterson and Rivers. Remember that if you two meet in the final because he apparently thinks you're his farm team. You will play either Matt, Jimish, or Lou in week 15. Good luck.

2. The King's Crusaders (8-5): Perhaps benefiting from playing in a weaker division got the King this spot, but it is a disaster to see 2 Woody's with a bye. I'm sure Chris has something up his sleeve for the playoffs. Will play the Pylons with a Pylons win, or with a Gnomes win will play the winner of Monkeys-Eyepatches. I hope all of your players get injured this week.

There isn't much to be said for the top 2 teams that hasn't already been mentioned in a previous week. On to the matchups in the first round of the EFFL playoffs.

3. Dueling Pylons (9-4) v. 6. Tequila Party Gnomes (6-7):

24 hours ago this matchup was impossible. The Pylons had lost to the Stone Masons by 1 point to lock up the #4 seed and TPG needed a Monday night miracle to even get into the playoffs. Tom Brady unleashed a furious pounding into the butt of TPG, yet Janky Spanky still had a shot to take down the Farm and send the Gnomes through. A BenJarvus Green-Ellis TD with just minutes remaining was exactly what the Gnome had ordered, and just like that the Farm was out and TPG was in facing the Eyepatches yet again in week 14.

We wake up Tuesday morning and there has been a scoring change. Young Buc, AKA Mike "Big Willie Style" Williams, had been credited with 2 more points on an additional catch and gave the Pylons the win by 1! How could this be? The following is an exact truth that has not been fabricated in any way. On the final drive of the first half, the Bucs were in hurry up mode. A 9 yard completion was initially credited to Sammie Stroughter when Williams actually made the catch. Due to the creamsicle color jerseys, the official scorer thought Williams #19 was actually Stroughter #18. This error was rectified this morning by the NFL and was the difference in playoff seeding. I can only imagine if this cost BG a playoff spot how devastating it would be. Nevertheless, the Pylons at 9-4 have the 3 seed and face a Gnomes team that has overcome adversity to lock up the final spot in the playoffs. This most likely will come down to Monday night as Flacco and Boldin will go against Arian Foster. They always say it's tough to beat a team 3 times in one season, and I think this holds true here. Despite the Pylons seeking revenge for a previous playoff beating, I'm picking the Gnomes in an upset.

4. Animals With Eyepatches (8-5) v. 5. Stanky Monkeys (7-5-1):

This was unexpected. Due to the scoring change the Eyepatches and not the Pylons will face the Monkeys. I had already started talking shit Monday night so we'll have to save that for another week. These two teams had a great battle in week 11 that saw Knowshon Moreno win it for Jimish on Monday night. These teams head into the playoffs in opposite directions. Lou put up a league high 145 last week while Jimish put up a league low 80. That's what happens when 2 of your wide receivers combine for 0 catches. I'd be willing to bet that doesn't happen again. Can anyone slow down the Vick-Reggie Wayne combination? Lou literally needs huge games from each of them to win. If they put up 20 each, the Monkeys probably are heading home. ESPN is currently projecting the Stanky Monkeys for a whopping 180 points! Internet hacks! This is going to be a great game to follow and I'm sure it's going to be close. I think Dwayne Bowe gets very angry after last week's game and totally throws down this week. I'm picking the Eyepatches to move on.


Good luck to the 4 teams playing this week. Colts-Titans Thursday night so things will get started early.

Last Chance To Dance

We are down to the final week of the regular season. 5 teams are now in, 2 teams are out, and 3 teams have one chance to battle for one spot. The standings are exactly the same as last week with the top 5 teams all winning and the bottom 5 all losing. I’m going to break this down team by team and also break into sections the possibilities for the final week.

I have also added to the EFFL history sheet playoff records and playoff brackets for the history of the league. The sheet is out of control at this point with almost 50 tabs. There is a ton of information in there. Also I just wanted to remind you again about players. No player added for the rest of the season can be kept for next year. The teams that do not make the playoffs can make no more moves after the end of the regular season and when each team is eliminated they are prohibited from making any moves. The only exception is that the 2 teams that lose in the semifinals and play for the 3^rd place game can make moves in that final week.

THE TOP 4: These are the top 4 seeds. None of these teams can play each other in the first round of the playoffs. Chris has a bye locked up, and most likely Sam or Jimish will have the other bye.

* 1. Maybe This Time (9-3): Sam held off a Monday night surge from EEB to stay in first and take a huge step towards a bye. Would have locked up the bye if the Masons could have taken out Jimish, but they fell 2 points short. At this point are unaffected by the Pylons, and the bye will almost certainly come down to either Sam or Jimish. Sam cannot be the #2 seed as she owns the tiebreaker over Chris, and Sam cannot be the #4 seed as she owns the tiebreaker over the Pylons. A win will lock up the #1 overall seed. A loss and Eyepatches loss also clinches the #1 overall seed. A loss and Eyepatches win will have Sam as the #3 seed unless the Pylons somehow also manage to win and outscore Jimish by 108 points… Not happening.

* 2. The King’s Crusaders (8-4): All of the scenarios from last week are moot. With a win over the Farm, Chris has clinched a playoff spot and locked up a first round bye. Will be the #2 seed if MTT or the Pylons get the bye, or if the Eyepatches get the bye and the King loses. Can only be #1 with a Sam loss, Jimish win, and King win. The Week 13 matchup with Stanky Monkeys is totally irrelevant, and with a bye in week 14, we’ll see you in 3 weeks. It remains to be seen whether the King will rest his starters this week, but hopefully the long layoff doesn’t affect their focus. This is now the King’s 4^th bye in 6 EFFL seasons.

* 3. Animals With Eyepatches (8-4): Jimish can fall anywhere from 1-4 based on the results in the final week. Very much still alive for the bye and has a huge advantage in points due to the explosion of Dwayne Bowe over the past 3 weeks. A win will have Jimish no worse than 3^rd. A win and Sam loss will clinch a bye (again provided the Pylons don’t win and score 108 more than Jimish). Win, Sam loss and King loss will have Jimish at #1. Win, Sam loss and King win will have Jimish at #2. Win and Sam win will have Jimish at #3. Loss and Pylons loss - #3. Loss and Pylons win - #4.

* 4. Dueling Pylons (8-4): Got a win over a TPG team that totally just did not show up while putting up the second lowest score. Adding the Frank Gore season ending injury just made it that much worse after a win was already sealed. This never, ever happens to me so I will take it and just move on. Also locked up a playoff spot in the process and has finally returned back to the land of misery. The Pylons are 1-4 all time in the playoffs, which is the worst in league history. The only way the Pylons could get a bye as stated previously is with a Sam loss, Jimish win and Pylons win while outscoring the Eyepatches by 108 points. Unless the Pylons put up 200 or more this is not going to happen. Will be the 3 seed with a win and Eyepatches loss. Will be the 4 seed and face Lou with any other scenario.

THE 5: Lou is the 5 seed. He will play either the Pylons or Eyepatches in the first round of the playoffs. Prepare accordingly.

* 5. Stanky Monkeys (6-5-1): Got a huge win in Week 12 and locked up a playoff spot with both TPG and the Farm losing. Also no longer eligible for the bye with the King winning. Locked into the 4-5 matchup, and with the Chris already locking up the bye, has a completely meaningless game Week 13. Take the week off to relax and get ready for a week 14 showdown with one of the Evens division’s finest.

THE 3 FOR 1: The Farm, Gnomes and TITTY are battling for the last playoff spot in that order. Each team needs to win and have all of the teams in front of them lose to get in, or in the case of the Farm have all teams lose yet again. The team that makes the playoffs from these 3 will play Sam, Jimish or myself.

6. Johnson’s Farm (5-6-1): I’m just at a loss for words. This team is so bad it is actually turning out good. This team has now scored 110 or less in 9 of the last 11 games. No other team has more than 7, including the league’s 2 cellar dwellers. The Farm is now tied for dead last in points scored. Nick can make this easy on himself with a win in week 13. A win clinches the #6 seed. A loss and a win by either TPG or TITTY will knock out the Farm. A loss by all 3 would have the Farm in the playoffs at 5-7-1, and an absolute embarrassment.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (5-7): 2^nd in the pecking order of the potential 6 seeds. Due to head to head win over Fusco still holds the number 7 seed, which is extremely large at this point. Also still alive due to the Farm’s ineptitude. Extremely poor showing in Week 12, but still has an opportunity to sneak in. Needs a win AND Farm loss to get in. No other scenario will get TPG in no matter what else happens. Matt has been trash talking EEB all week, but he is now your best friend.

8. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-7): Somehow still alive after yet ANOTHER monstrous game against him. Now has had 140+ scored against him in 7 separate weeks, all losses. Chris can only make the playoffs with one final push. Has points tiebreaker over both the Farm and TPG in case somebody ties in week 13 and it comes into play. Again, without ties across the board, the only way Fusco will be dancing is with a win, Farm loss AND TPG loss. A Farm or TPG win will eliminate TITTY. A playoff spot very well could happen given the way the other two teams have fared recently. I don’t think anybody in the playoffs wants to see this team.

THE BOTTOM 2: These two teams have locked up the #9 and #10 spots in the league. BG has now missed the playoffs for the third straight year.

X - 9. The Stone Masons (3-9): This team has looked pretty good over the past couple weeks but it was just too late to make some damage. With Brandon Lloyd and LeSean McCoy as potential keepers I expect this team to be pretty solid next year. This team had some very strong pieces, but it was the complimentary players that were lacking this season. You know I was pulling for you.

X - 10. Coach Janky Spanky (2-10): One more game until this painful season ends. With a loss in week 12 officially sealed up league’s worst record, so congratulations! Faces a reeling Farm team that has missed one opportunity after the next. Losing a season series to Gambino is just inexcusable. TPG and TITTY will certainly be pulling for you.

Good luck to everyone in the final week. Next week I will have a playoff preview as well as predictions again.