Damn son. It’s only
been 3 weeks, and players are dropping like flies. I tried to avoid confrontation after a
Michael Vick cheap shot (eat asshole Trent Dilfer). By tried I mean yelling things like “these
people are still under the impression that Eli is a good quarterback” in a NY
sports bar. Things like, “at least I’m
not wearing an Eli Manning jersey”. No
joke to you, after an Owen Schmitt leap over a defender I screamed out “THAT’S
HOW THEY DO IT IN MORGANTOWN”. I was all
fired up. Then, it came crashing down
when for some unknown reason the running game failed. Shocker.
Apparently the Calvin Johnson rule doesn’t apply to Victor Cruz. Please explain that one to me because I can’t
get a grip on it.
When the game had finally ended, I was left chugging out of
a tower of Bud Light. My sorrow was turned to curiosity, however,
as after the check was paid, one fine piece of ace strolled by the group’s
table. Who was this piece? None other than Kim Kardashian. Again, despite my team being a joke, this is
a no joke blog. I have the picture if
you want proof. Kim and Kris Humphries
strolled in and sat at a table nearby, hoping to enjoy the Jets game. I was floored. Every female I knew in the vicinity
immediately returned in a sprint to the bar, hoping to catch a glimpse of Ms.
Ray J. It was quite the day.
Anyway, on to the Norv of the Week and how the EFFL
landscape is shaping up.
Norv of the Week recipient Week 3: Leslie Frazier
I’d venture to guess that many of you were unaware that this
man was the coach of the Minnesota Vikings.
No doubt a beneficiary of the Rooney rule, Frazier is so far in over his
head, he doesn’t know which his head is and which his ass is. At least back in the days of Childress, he
was so scared of Peterson that he would just cave to whatever demands he
wanted. But Frazier is so full of
himself that it’s forced the team into an 0-3 start. In each of these three losses, the Vikings
have blown massive leads. The Vikings
have outscored opponents 54-7. In the
second half and overtime, the Vikings have been outscored 67-6!!! At some point, Peterson is going to
combust. Leslie Frazier is going to get
speared and sent to the hospital.
The formula is simple… If you have a lead, feed your
horse. The more slop the better. You have the best running back in football
and you have a double digit lead in the second half. I really thought there couldn’t be anybody
dumber than Brad Childress but I’ve been proven wrong. I saw a vintage McNabb pass in which Percy
Harvin was wide open down the sideline.
If he leads the receiver Harvin is off to the races. But where is the ball? It’s thrown short and at his feet so Harvin
has to dive to the ground to catch it and a defender touches him down. McNabb was benched for Rex Grossman. Stop being an idiot. Feed Peterson. He’s hungry.
After 3 weeks, the Power Rankings have not shifted
much. There is a good and bad to
this. The good part is that I know what
I am talking about and that I can evaluate teams objectively. The bad part is that my team is absolutely
terrible. Here’s where we stand after
Week 3.
1. The Stone Masons (3-0) – Last week: 1
Wow, what a week for the Masons. Left a double digit performance from Derrick
Mason on the bench and still delivered in a big way over the #2 team. Violating rule #1 of fantasy football in a
massive way by rostering (and possibly starting this week) 3 Bills. But maybe the tide is turning in the NFL. Bills 3-0, Masons 3-0. Similar to last week, I see no reason to move
this team from the top spot. This team
looked good on paper, and delivered on the field. Already equaling last year’s win total is a
big step. Look for this strong team to
keep it up.
2. Tweeting In The Trenches (2-1) – Last week: 3
Despite a loss, I had to move TITTY up. Some of you may disagree, but I think 2 TITTY
is better than 3 TITTY. Despite the
team’s top 2 running backs being subpar thus far, other players are
contributing in a major way. A 50 point
effort from Wes Welker makes me cringe, and even moreso since it was all for
naught. I like this team’s potential and
I hate every one of his players. I’m
glad I’m done until the postseason.
3. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-1) – Last week: 4
The next 3 teams are very close, but a Petty Poo 11 catch
explosion was absolutely uncalled for.
Brady is on pace for 7,000 yards, which would put this team at 5 alone
with no other players. TPG has quietly
put up 3 very nice weeks, and if not for a week 2 meltdown at the hands of the
Monkeys, would certainly be 3-0. The
cure for a win? Facing Woody 2 out of
the next 3 weeks. Take up your beef with
the schedule maker.
4. Coach Janky Spanky (2-1) – Last week: 5
7:30 AM on Tuesday morning and I’m already getting texts
about where this team will be in the power rankings. #1 in points through 3 weeks, yet I look at
your team and I’m not impressed. Every
week I look at the roster and think to myself “Wow, I don’t think this team
will do as well next week”. I will
compliment EEB in that he has done very well thus far with lineup
decisions. He has seemed to pick the
right guys to use every week, which can certainly make a big difference. Once the bye weeks hit, I think there could
be some issues.
5. Stanky Monkeys (2-1) – Last week: 2
Went to go drink at the Eagles game and did not check lineup
before 1 PM. Peyton Hillis developed
strep throat over the weekend and was unable to go against a hapless Dolphins
team. Still would not have won, but this
again is a concern that resonates with TPG.
Outside of the big guns, there is not much else. I think this team may have some struggles in
the coming weeks as well, but for the time being is in OK shape. The lack of focus by the owner certainly hurt
this team in the power rankings.
6. Hard Knocks (3-0) – Last week: 6
If I told you that Samuel Woody was 3-0 for the 3rd
straight year, would you believe me? It
is hard to fathom how such an atrocity has been committed. 299, 294, 258…. This is the total amount of
points scored against Sam in the first 3 games of each of the last 3 years. This is a call to action for all league
members. This must stop. Losing Kenny Britt for the season, and having
Miles Austin and Marques Colston out for an extended period of time is going to
severely hurt this team, and I fully expect some losses in the coming weeks.
7. The King’s Crusaders (1-2) – Last week: 7
This team has scored over 120 in all 3 weeks yet is 7th
in scoring. That’s how tough it is this
year. I think there is some undeserved
hubris going on here, as beating a retarded kid is not something to hang your
hat on. I don’t know, nothing about this
team really stands out and to me the teams ahead on this list all look
better. Could have a rough go of it, as
6 of the next 7 games are against my top 5 teams. Make or break time will be coming soon.
8. Dueling Pylons (0-3) – Last week: 9
If I had stuck to my gut and started Darren Sproles, would
have put up 130 points. Still would have
been a loss, but this team has potential.
Wide Receivers really need to get their act together or this team will
be in some serious trouble. Needs a win
desperately, but at this point it appears there is a decent sized gap between
the top 7 and the bottom 3. Not having 3
of your top 5 picks is a huge burden.
9. Animals With Eyepatches (0-3) – Last week: 8
60 points. Absolutely
nothing went right for the Eyepatches in Week 3. 84 points were left on the bench. Lineup decisions are definitely costing this
team right now. Fighting hard with
Gambino for the bottom spot, but stayed out simply due to the fact that this
team at some point has been able to break 110 points. It is very likely that the Eyepatches could
be meeting FDS in a real life toilet bowl next week.
10. First Down Syndrome (0-3) – Last week: 10
It’s week 3 and I’m already willing to ask it… Will this
team win a game in 2011? 108 points may
turn out to be a season high for this team.
It’s not even bad lineup decisions; this just comes down to awful drafting. If you want to see the importance of having
solid keepers look no further than this team.
Lee Evans in the 7th round was far worse than Burleson in the
4th. Probably has a calf tat
like Rex Ryan. Faces top ranked BG and
will probably be clowned again in week 4.
The week 4 pivotal matchups are as follows:
The Stone Masons (3-0) v First Down Syndrome (3-0)
Tweeting in the Trenches (2-1) v Animals With Eyepatches
(0-3)
Lady Luck (3-0) v Stanky Monkeys (2-1)
The King’s Crusaders (1-2) v Tequila Party Gnomes (2-1)
And the game of the week…
Dueling Pylons (0-3) v Coach Janky Spanky (2-1)
I am not a big believer of the ESPN projections, but they
project this to be the highest scoring match of the week. The Pylons absolutely cannot fall into an 0-4
hole. No team that has started 0-4 has
ever made the EFFL playoffs. This is a real
turning point in the season. EEB can
take a step into becoming a serious contender in 2011, or can fall right into
the middle of the pack with a loss.
These teams have only met twice, with the Pylons taking both
meetings. I’m hoping Matt Forte blows
out a knee or something. This is
absolutely the turning point in the season for both of these teams, and it may
come down to Monday night with Mike “Young Buc” Williams looking to let that
boy chef on national TV. I’m picking
Coach Janky Spanky to make my life miserable.
Good luck week 4 everyone. And don't forget... Let that boy cook. Let that, let that boy cook.
No comments:
Post a Comment