Monday, October 24, 2016

Sunday Night Ties



The Cardinals and Seahawks were not the only teams whose matchup ended in a tie. In the EFFL, there was a barn burner between TPG and the Pork Chop Express going on which also ended all square.

I have to say, this was probably one of the worst bad beats in fantasy football I've ever seen in my life. Pork Chop's odds to win had to be in something like the 99.99% range. Here's how it went down.

With just under a minute left in regulation, Bruce Arians decided he was not going to use his timeouts to get the ball back. Instead, he let the clock run out, letting three timeouts go to waste, and played for overtime.

At the start of overtime, TPG was down by 3. Larry Fitzgerald had 8 catches for 51 yards and needed to somehow get 3 points to tie or 4 to win. The Cardinals started with the ball. They drove down for a FG with no Fitz catches, which under new rules keeps the game going. If the Seahawks scored a TD or failed to score, the game would be over. Naturally, the Seahawks drove down and kicked a FG of their own, to keep the game going even longer.

The Cardinals get the ball a second time with just 6 minutes left in OT and TPG somehow still alive. On 3rd and 7, Palmer hits JJ Nelson for 40 yards and as he's about to turn into the end zone and end the game, a defender grabs a shoelace to pull him down and keep the Seahawks in it.


Now with 4 minutes left, the Cardinals have first and goal at the Seahawks 5. Any score will end the game.

First down: David Johnson takes a handoff, cuts outside, dives for the pylon, and is ruled just out of bounds about a foot short of the goal line on a very questionable call.



All replays come from the booth in OT. So what does Arians do? He hurries everyone to the line to try and sneak a play in like he just got away with something. It's a quick plunge from David Johnson, and he's absolutely stuffed at the goal line on 2nd down. Arians then decides he's going to kick it: a 19 yard field goal to win the game.

Naturally, a delay of game on the attempt moves the ball back 5 yards. And what happens? Harambe kicker Chandler Catanzaro doinks the 24 yarder off the upright. Absolutely incredible. The game goes on. Now with just 3 minutes left in OT, TPG needs the Cardinals to get the ball back for a 3rd time in OT and hit Fitz.




The Seahawks drive with time running down. 31 yards to Jermaine Kearse. 27 yards to Dougie Baldwin. The Seahawks are inside the Cardinals 10 with under a minute to play. They move the ball to the middle of the field for a game winning Hauschka attempt with 11 seconds left. With 11 seconds left in OT, Hauschka from 28... and it's NO GOOD. WIDE LEFT!!! THE LACES WERE IN!!! THEY WERE IN!!!! Finkle has blown it!!



(Make sure you listen with the sound on)

There are just 7 seconds left, the Cardinals have their ball at their own 20 yard line, and the game is set to end in a tie. But TPG and PCE is not over just yet. The Cardinals set up into bunch formation right. The Seahawks are nowhere to be found. They're just looking to stop the big play. Palmer drops back, fires, AND IT'S LARRY FITZGERALD WITH THE CATCH. He's running desperately trying to get out of bounds to allow a Hail Mary. He does, with just 2 seconds left on the clock. But how many yards was the catch? TPG needs it to be 19 to tie the game. It's awful close. The official ruling: a 19 yard catch by Larry Fitzgerald. With 2 seconds left in overtime, TPG has tied it up, and that's how things will end: tied 80-80.

Truly one of the most shocking results in EFFL history.


I've gotta say, in a year where the league is taking all kinds of flack (rightfully so) for just making the product unwatchable, the league needs some good guys doing things like this:




Or this gooch handoff:


Or this classic Mularkey:



Football should be fun, which brings me to my beef of the week.

Beef of the Week: Frequency vs. Severity

The league is calling more penalties, that's just a fact. It disrupts game flow. It makes a 60 minute game WITH A CLOCK last 3 and a half hours. If you're going to call more, why not consider changing how many yards the penalties are.

Offensive holding is one that comes directly to mind that I have so much beef with lately. Defensive holding is 5 yards. Why not make offensive holding also 5 yards? Holding penalties make everything terrible. You get a team in 1st and 20 or 2nd and 20, and it's more often than not going to end in a punt, followed by a commercial. Just one holding penalty practically wastes the next 10 minutes of your time. This happens far too often in every game.

Plus, penalties should be consistent. The league changed the face mask penalty so there wasn't a 5 and 15 yard version. Make everything consistent.

Make all pass interference penalties 10 yards. Make all holding penalties 5 yards. I want to see fewer punts and more scoring, and if you're calling more penalties and disrupting the game, at least make them less severe. There's no need to have over 200 yards of called penalties every single game.


Power Rankings

 Things are getting much tighter around the middle. Right now I think there are 3 elite teams, and most of the rest are all within striking distance of each other.

14. The Old Ball Sack (2-5) - Last week: 10. Left Jay Ajayi on the bench AGAIN! He's probably had his 2 best performances on the season already. You decided to corner the market on Camerons for some reason. The Texans and Jets are in the shitter, which is bad news for you. Terrible lineup decisions and players on terrible teams is not a winning combination.

13. Pork Chop Express (2-4-1) - Last week: 13 - Gambino put up a good week. You continued to struggle. Your WR core of ARob (I won't give anything more than him for David Johnson!), Jordan Matthews, and Stefon Diggs has put up a combined 36 points over the last 3 weeks. You're supplementing this trio with Shaun Draughn and TJ Yeldon. Impressive.

12. The King's Crusaders (2-5) - Last week: 12. It is not looking good right now. I had big concerns after the draft, and thus far they have not been alleviated. On an L5 and with one of the toughest remaining schedules, it will be interesting to see how much longer this team can hang around. Good news for you: ESPN somehow has given Ty Montgomery RB eligibility. That's a joke.

11. Geno 911 (2-5) - Last week: 14. There's a clear bottom 4 in my opinion, and you made it. Citing a "career day from Jacquizz Rodgers" is not a feather in your cap. That's laughable. You didn't deserve to lose this week, but things happen. If your fearsome foursome of Mike Wallace, Gary Barnidge, Jacquizz, and Brandon LaFell put up 70 in a game again I'll be absolutely stunned.

10. Team Bartholomew (2-5) - Last week: 11. With Cam and Dez on a bye, your team still held its own. As I've been saying, I see you trending up. Another nice thing is that your 3 best players have already had their byes, so while other teams are struggling, you should be doing OK. Tough break about Arian Foster retiring. Guy's a total wacko.

9. A Lot O'Tatz (3-3-1) - Last week: 6. Benched Brees for some reason in favor of Alex Smith. Used McCoy knowing he was injured. Classic poor EEB lineup decisions are again coming home to roost. You really need McCoy or Theo Riddick to get healthy quick. I don't think you have enough other pieces to support that foundation.

8. ROLL THE DICE (4-3) - Last week: 9. Scored 67 last week and 163 this week, even with Brian Hoyer getting hurt. What am I supposed to do with you? Melvin Gordon has 10 TDs through week 7. I can't believe it. Even Jack Doyle (rules) went off. As I said last week, don't worry about the ranking. I think you're closer to the top teams than the Mike Y's of the world.

7. Bo$$town Cutter (3-4) - Last week: 8. As expected, your team is playing much, much better now. Your big 3 came through again, and Mark Ingram finally scored. John Brown's sickle cell is a tough break. Stick with your starters and you should be pretty competitive.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-4-1) - Last week: 4. Injuries have absolutely ravaged TPG. 3rd round pick Big Dick Decker is out for years. Jamaal Charles can't get on the field. Bobby Woods is banged up. Jordan Reed is concussed again. And still TPG is hanging in there. The Ravens game plan was inexplicable. T. West should be back to normal soon.

5. Stanky Monkeys (5-2) - Last week: 5. After a hot start, the Stanky Monkeys have failed to top 110 points 3 weeks in a row. A.J. Green is still producing, but nobody else really is at all. After leaving Davante Adams' 38 points on the bench, you'll start him, and he'll score 5. Still OK from a record perspective.

4. Harambe Was Set Up (5-2) - Last week: 6. Came out hot with a lot of trash talk. Then decided to go to the Eagles game in purple. You were just asking for it this week. I think your team should be fine. Don't see any reason why you wouldn't be in the playoffs. Probably in the 4-6 range, right outside of the big 3.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-1-1) - Last week: 3. T.Y. and DeMarco have been unstoppable. Most RB depth of any team in the league. Very solid team. QBs leave a bit to be desired. Serious contender at this point.

2. Team BG (4-3) - Last week: 2. Brutal defeat. The winning reception hit Demaryius right in the hands in the 4th quarter and he just didn't want to catch it. Need to hope your boy Jarvis isn't suspended for that complete cheap shot against the Bills. Carr hasn't been that great lately, but there are enough other pieces in place where you should be fine. Finally having healthy RBs will go a long way.

1. Dueling Pylons (6-1) - Last week: 1. Pylons still at the top as the highest scoring team with the best record. Has 123+ points in every game but one. Been getting a lot of "You only have two players", which is fine. Pylons special teams are a huge contributor.

Puppy update: Rachael has agreed that if we acquire a dog due to Pylons title, the puppy will be named Tyrod. I hope this happens.


Only 6 weeks to go in the regular season. Things are super tight at the playoff cut line. Every single team is still in it with 6 teams on 2 wins.

Week 8 Matchups
The most important matchup is clearly Patriots at Bills. #BillsMafia is going to be out of control. I look forward to posting debauchery in this spot next week.

 King v. Pylons
Dosh v. Lou
Tatz v. Phil
Fusco v. Gambino - Aaaaayyy hiyadooooin
Lobitz v. Mike Y
TPG v. Cutty
EEB v. BG
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Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Someone Beat Chris Fusco

This started as a command. It ended as a statement.

This has gone on way too long. 3 championships, a loss in the final last year, and now undefeated through 5 weeks of the EFFL season. Enough is enough. I tried my hand at taking this clown down, only to be fucking baby cock blasted by Odell Beckham Jr. Thankfully, David Johnson restored order to the world. Prepare yourselves, because I'm about to go in. Lots of cursing ahead! And this will be the last time Odell gets mentioned this season.

This dude Odell dropped 38 fantasy points on me in the 2nd half alone! Each week I just hate this guy more and more. I actually snapped this week. This is what caused it:



What kind of fucked up shit is this? I don't think I've ever screamed "STOP IT" at a fantasy football game before this. It's actually embarrassing to watch a guy try so hard to get people to like him. I'm calling it right now: Within 5 years we will be able to purchase Odell to be sticker bitch at the EFFL Draft.

And, he continued the celebration, going by teammates trying to high five him and going over to the kicking net and proposing to it. The joke ended weeks ago when you lost a fight, bro. He's the least likable player in the entire league by a wide margin. As a neutral fan, I like guys like Julio, Jordy, Hopkins, etc. I have respect for the studs. I really, truly believe that nobody outside of the wack Giants fan base likes this guy in any capacity.

Here's a sample:


Not even one of those, "oh if he was on my team, I'd like him". If he was on my team, I'd be embarrassed. He picked up yet another 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty as well. And of course, of course, Fusco is blowing up my phone following this Giants game, knowing I'm absolutely steaming. Finally, I fucking obliged him and picked up only to hear giggling and "how awesome was that game". Total shocker. He also told me he gave the Ravens fan a fucking headlock following the winning TD, a little Hiyadoin. Absolutely insufferable.

I'm literally still steaming. I'm so fed up, I'm done with Drake, mostly because of this:


I'm done, man. Gone are the days of spitting fire to Miss Me or Goin' In. I'm done. Controlla came on the radio in the car yesterday and I just got fucking irate. Rap has been soft anyway over the past year. Hot 97 has gone in the shitter since Funk wound up on the wrong end of the Meek/Drake beef, just refusing to take an L. Instead, he plays garbage he thinks is hot. He's lost it. This is his last hit, going double Uranium, son.



In fact, I'm making it a point right here. I'm done with all dudes that like getting their butt hole tickled like these fools. OBJ, fuck outta here. Drake? Done, dawg. Dosh, Gambino? Delete my number. I don't want anything to do with these guys whatsoever!

In fact, there is one, and ONLY one acceptable ass to mouth situation. Thankfully, the Bills had a home game to show you what that is:


That's it, man. Unless you're slugging liquor out of a biddie's crack at a Bills tailgate, don't bring that shit around here. And of course, your weekly table slam:




This is what we needed. Some good ol' red blooded Americans slamming ladies through card tables. How bad do you wanna see that girl's face in the shot video?!?!?

Before we get into the status of the EFFL, we have to get to the Beef of the Week. Seemingly after my rant on butthole pleasures, you'd think I'd be done.

Beef of the Week: Color Rush Jerseys

Again, this seems like forever ago, but these jerseys are the absolute pits. The announcers commentate, "Sorry in advance if we screw up the names. We cannot read the numbers." Isn't that a problem? The whole purpose of these jerseys, of course, is more sales and revenue for the league. Imagine going up to your boy in his bright orange Broncos jersey "Oh sick Demaryius, bro!" Actually, it's a Von Miller. Are you sure that 58 isn't 88?!?!? I can't even see it.

I haven't seen the sales figures, but I have to assume they're a failure. The colors are hideous, you can't identify the jersey, and people who are color blind are unable to discern one team from another. Remember this one from last year?




This stuff has to go!


EFFL Power Rankings

 We're already through 6 of 13 weeks, which means that it's almost time to start thinking playoffs! Tatz finally got a win and the expense of D-WEEZE. He sent the following text exchange. This is unfiltered, and unedited:

Dosh: Fucking dropped Josh Lambo
Dosh: Matt Bryant better go off
Dosh: Terrible!!!
Dosh: Josh Lambo again!
Dosh: Right after I drop him
Dosh: Josh Lambo, fourth fucking field goal
Dosh: Are you shitting me!!!
Dosh: Fuck me
Dosh: If Tatz ends up winning this goddamn matchup
Dosh: Terrible
Dosh: Fucking outrageous.
Dosh: I'm worried that Tatz is beating me right now
Dosh: He should never have a semblance of hope. Lol
Dosh: Fuck this shit
Dosh: Melvin Gordon 94 fucking yards with no TD
Dosh: Seriously. His best rushing yardage total of the season yet worst point total
Dosh: Worth a fucking dick!!!
Dosh: Donkey dick!
Dosh: Wow, that's amazing that Gordon records his highest carry total this season yet scores the lowest output (first time in single digits). I'll repeat: fucking donkey dick!!! Lol
Dosh: My team is the most inconsistent, shitty team in the league.
Dosh: Losing to both Matt and Tatz is unacceptable.
Dosh: And Russell Wilson is one of the worst fucking starting QBs in the league... Can't believe he had me fooled this year.
Dosh: Fuck, Fuck, Fuck
Dosh: I wouldn't be mad if you ranked me dead last
Dosh: Started off highest scoring through 3 weeks and have tanked 3 straight
Dosh: 2 to the shittiest of teams
Dosh: Unbelievable

THIS IS FANTASY FOOTBALL!!!! The EFFL is ready to take the next step hahaha. What an unbelievable rant, rivaling some of the greatest in league history.

14. Geno 911 (2-4) - Last week: 14. Another week and another loss. Things are not going well. Actually had a respectable showing, but it didn't matter. Look at some of these guys you're starting: Richard Rodgers, Mike Wallace, Eddie Royal?!?!? How does this happen year after year?

13. Pork Chop Express (2-4) - Last week: 11. Got a win, but scored 87 points. Lucky SOB. Funny thing is that your Cowboys rookies are really the only thing you've got. I don't even know who DeAndre Washington is, but you started him. Perhaps you can swap him out for Dwayne Washington next week. FYI, the only D. Washington worth shit is Denzel.

12. The King's Crusaders (2-4) - Last week: 9. It's not looking good. Again, Mike McCarthy is fed up with Eddie Lacy because he's fat. It doesn't matter that he's good, but he's fat. Awful ironic coming from Ol' Mike. I'm starting to get concerned about this squad. I think you could be in some trouble.

11. Team Bartholomew (1-5) - Last week: 13. AYYYYY!!! You beat Dosh! That's awesome. I still think this team has a lot of talent. Dez, Cobb, Emmanuel Sanders, Cam, Jimmy Graham is a good squad. With Foster on the way back, I think you're in for some higher scoring weeks. Hopefully it's not too late for you. Regardless, you inspired that Dosh rant, so keep it up.

10. The Old Ball Sack (2-4) - Last week: 12. I wouldn't bank on a Coby Fleener Rushing TD or Cameron Meredith double digit catches on a weekly basis, but it was a nice week.We'll see what happens with Jay Ajayi, but he had a sick game. Ruined my fucking parlay. I hope he blows a knee piece.

9. ROLL THE DICE (3-3) - Last week: 5. I think you're closer to the top than the bottom, but it has not been an encouraging couple weeks. You know it. The league knows it. Teams are smelling blood in the water. Maybe the RBs are a bigger problem than we thought.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (2-4) - Last week: 10. Brady, Bell, and Cooks is one of the best cores in the league. If you had some other pieces, I think I'd have you ranked much higher. Need to find some gems on the waiver wire. Not out of it by any means.

7. Harambe Was Set Up (5-1) - Last week: 7. Still putting wins on the board. I tend to lean more towards the balanced teams than 2 guys having big games. But a win is a win, and your record has you in great shape for the playoffs right now.

6. A Lot O'Tatz (3-2-1) - Last week: 8. Back on the right track! I can't believe this text exchange:

Cro: Do you want Gillislee before McCoy goes down? Pylons signing of backup RB is kiss of death for the starter.
Cro: I've already knocked out Peterson and Langford.
EEB: Lol I swear if that happens
EEB: I'll give you Tamme
Cro: He should be on the waiver wire.

A day later, Tamme is cut.

Cut to Sunday, 2:19 PM. McCoy catches a pass over the middle, goes to pivot and gets tackled, and BOOM! A defender falls right on his knee and McCoy goes down writhing in pain holding his knee.

Cro: There it is. McCoy ACL.
EEB: I don't believe it.
EEB: You are an awful human being.
Cro: That looks brutal.
EEB: David Johnson will break his leg.
EEB: There. Fuck you.
Cro: You can't just say somebody will break their leg as revenge lol.
EEB: On national television for the world to see.

He was OK. I didn't want him to actually get hurt.

5. Stanky Monkeys (4-2) - Last week: 4. Kenny Britt arguably being your best player is not a good thing. A lot of underachievers here, and Big Ben just went down. It's gonna be a rough couple of weeks. Still a lot of talent, but could go either way at this point. We'll see.

4. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-4) - Last week: 6. I told you. More Bills is better. I like your squad. I'm back on board. Even without Jordan Reed and Big Dick Decker you're still putting up points. Gotta keep the momentum going.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-1-1) - Last week: 3. I really think this might be generous. But you keep winning, and there's something to be said for that. Have completely avoided injuries to date, which goes a long way. Would be a shock to see you miss the playoffs, but I'm hoping we meet again. I need revenge.

2. Team BG (4-2) - Last week: 2. Receiving corps is on fire. I am a bit concerned about the QB situation, but I think you're solid across the board. Could easily go back and forth with DP for top two in the league.

1. Dueling Pylons (5-1) - Last week: 1. Bad week pretty much across the board and still did OK thanks to super stud David Johnson. On any week, could have the top RB, WR, K and D/ST. That's a big advantage. Need to fill the other pieces to be a championship contender, but 5-1 is an awfully good start.


Week 7 Matchups

 DP v. Harambe - A matchup for first place
Cutty v. BG - Can Cutty get things turned around?
TPG v. Lobitz - Both teams need a win pretty badly.
Tatz v. A Lot O'Tatz - Turning point for Tatz. Can he build on that beating of Dosh?
The Meineke Car Care BH Tickle Bowl: Gambino v. Dosh
Mike Y v. Lou - No idea what to expect here.
King v. TITTY - Fusco can put King on notice. Fun one.
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Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Shampoo My Crotch, Andy Reid



This blog can basically write itself. Instead of having my beef with Andy, I'ma let him off the hook. Let me set the scene for you. The Steelers are up 43-7 on the Chiefs. Andy refuses to take a knee and end the game. They get first and goal at the two minute warning. Andy runs on first down and gets down to the 5. The Chiefs then go no huddle and run up to the line and run another running play for 2 yards. Then they huddle up and run another running play for no gain to get to 4th down. Then Andy realizes "Oh shit, because we went no huddle randomly on 2nd down I can't run out the clock". He's forced to take a timeout with 8 seconds left on the clock.

I know it's coming. Everyone in the EFFL knew it was coming. On 4th down, with 4 seconds left in a 43-7 game, starter Alex Smith finds starter Travis Kelce for a TD. Against me.

Yes, this unbelievably garbage time TD cost me a win. Yes, between the start of the Sunday night game and the end of the Monday night game, the Stanky Monkeys DROPPED 8 TOUCHDOWNS ON ME!!!!!!! 8 TOUCHDOWNS!!! And a 2 point conversion!! Between the Sunday and Monday night games alone. It was absolutely ridiculous. The final nail in the coffin was an Orleans Darkwa TD. Might as well just go fuck myself. The only way this could have been worse was if the Chiefs-Steelers was on a Monday night. I would've been in the market for new electronics. Heated doesn't even begin to describe it. This was one of the worst fantasy football losses I can remember.

But that's the EFFL. You think DP is good, then you're getting rammed from both ends and you're in a place you never thought you'd be. Poor EEB is in the path.

One of my favorite developing stories, which I will continue to bring you, is Angry Poo. AKA Matt Staffy-Poo.




The guy is enraged and yelling at people every single week. It's phenomenal. Way better than Odell continuing to whine like a bitch. He already earned his beef of the week.

And how bout Julio! 300 yards receiving! What a mistake by Carolina letting Josh Norman go. They went from one of the best to a total laughing stock. That was one of the best individual performances I've ever seen.


Beef of the Week: Intentional Grounding

I really just don't understand how this rule works. I get when you're out of the pocket. The rules are clear. Get the ball past the line of scrimmage or it's grounding. Fine..

Next, when a QB is in the pocket and he throws the ball with a receiver in the area, it's not grounding. Fine. I get it.

What I don't get is when a QB is in the pocket, he fires the ball way out of bounds to throw it away before a defender gets to him, and it's not grounding. Sometimes a QB throws the ball out of the back of the end zone and it is grounding. It's completely up to the discretion of the 14 referees on the field, and that's always bad news. They're forced to make a judgment call on how close a defensive player is to the QB. They need to make a rule cut and dry or just eliminate it entirely. It's infuriating to have such a confusing rule.


POWER RANKINGS

 I don't wanna hear any more boo hoos about how ESPN rates your team this or that. They don't know shit. You have point projections, "expert" rankings, and Insider recommendations on the site and they all conflict with each other. If you're dumb enough to put any stock in it, I don't know what to tell you.

14. The Old Ball Sack (0-4) - Last week: 14. Pretty much rooted to the basement at this point. Another week and another blowout. Allowing the most points and scoring almost the lowest is not a recipe for success.

13. Geno 911 (1-3) - Last week: 13. I guess the rankings aren't that bad if teams aren't moving. Through 4 weeks is the lowest scoring team. Shots of Jamo! Let's do more shots! It works for you! But a win's a win. Way to get off the goose.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (2-2) - Last week: 12. Winning 89-83 is embarrassing. But just like Brady, the hope was to go 2-2. You got through 4 weeks and now have Brady and Bell ready to go. I think you move up soon.

11. Team Bartholomew (0-4) - Last week: 10. Injuries really starting to pile up, which is unfortunate. Cam's concussed, Dez missed action, Foster is still out, Woodhead gone for the year, Ertz has already missed time. Still a lot of talent, but the guys need to get on the field for you to get back into it.

10. Pork Chop Express (1-3) - Last week: 8. Julio almost beat you alone. You're starting Dwayne Washington and Tajae Sharpe. I bet a bunch of people in the league don't know who either of those guys are. Still think you're around the middle of the pack because of your terrible depth.

9. The King's Crusaders (2-2) - Last week: 7. Left Matt Ryan and his 500 yards on the bench and it cost you the win. Very un-King like. But your two best players were on a bye and you're 2-2. Again potential to move up.

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-3) - Last week: 9. Glad to see TPG with a rousing performance all over Dosh. He was irate.over Robert Woods like he hasn't started him many times before. Started 2 Bills and look what happened...

7. Harambe Was Set Up (3-1) - Last week: 11. I'm seriously shocked you're 3-1. I feel like your team is very volatile. It seems like double Raiders isn't as strong this year. One always seems to do poorly. We'll see. I'm not sold yet.

6. ROLL THE DICE (3-1) - Last week: 4. I was in. Now I'm a bit out. I'm really shocked with Melvin Gordon, but I'm thinking more and more that your big weeks are less likely. Jury is still out for me.

5. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-0-1) - Last week: 6. Only undefeated team. 5th in points. Shocking. Carson Palmer is awful. DeMarcus Murray is the #1 RB. You started Hunter Henry (WHO?!?!) and he scored 16 points. This is the bizarro world.

4. A Lot O'Tatz (2-1-1) - Last week: 1. Finally moved out of the top spot. And I think even this may be a bit generous. Edelman has been awful (he'll go off on me), Riddick has cooled significantly (he'll go off on me), and I'm a bit concerned. I'd be shocked if you weren't also.

3. Stanky Monkeys (3-1) - Last week: 5. I considered not ranking you. It was truly end to end agony. 33 points from AJ Green on Thursday night and an Orleans Darkwa TD 4 days later to finish me. Ugh.

2. Dueling Pylons (3-1) - Last week: 3. Came so close to 4-0, but it wasn't to be. Even still, this team is for real. Scoring a ton even without Sammy Watkins and Corey Coleman. They could contribute later in the season. Also, I promised Rachael a puppy if I win the title.

1. Team BG (3-1) - Last week: 2. Well deserved in the top spot. Top scoring team with no signs of slowing down. Derek Carr is hot, and Julio is a monster. Don't be concerned about missing the playoffs.


It was a fun and brutal week 4. Here are your week 5 matchups.

DP v. EEB
Cutty v. D-Sheetz
TPG v. King
Gambino v. BG (OH NO!)
Tatz v. Lou
Phil v. Lobitz
Fusco v. D-WEEZE
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Monday, September 26, 2016

Savage Behavior




No need to waste any time. #BillsMafia with a Macho Man Randy Savage elbow drop is just straight fire. I'm pretty impressed. That's a thick table with a thick dude on it. Couldn't have been easy to break.

Lots of exciting things happened in Week 3. Cam Newton out here looking like the Monopoly man:


And it's just crazy. You think you know who's good and who's bad? Then the Bills come out and smack down the Cardinals. The league is wide open this year. And you know Cutter is sitting there thinking the Pats are going 16-0 again.

But how bout the Eagles? They're actually really, really good. Through 3 games they have a +65 point differential. The next best in the league is New England at +36. It's amazing how different a team looks when you get good QB play.



It's just a fun time. I just hope Wentz doesn't have the kiss of death by being on DP. Even more shocking is how the Ravens, who are absolutely awful, are 3-0. I can't believe it. They are +13 in point differential against the Bills, Browns, and Jaguars. Bet the ranch against them. They're a complete mule.


Beef of the Week: Odell Beckham Jr.

This was a long time coming. It's almost embarrassing to watch this guy, and you almost kinda feel a bit sorry for him. He tries WAAAAAAAY too hard to prove to everyone that he's not gay. You know the moment when you clinch your beef of the week:







Opponents are going to pick up very, very quickly that the guy is a complete mental midget and he's easily rattled. You can get him to commit dumb penalties so easy. He's on the sideline fighting a kicking net because he's furious. Blew his top on Elisha and just yelling randomly on the sideline. He's the guy that other teammates look at and instead of "Come on Odell, let's go get them. We got this", it's "psssh, look at this clown acting a fool". He's losing respect around the league quickly.

And I'm not even gonna bring up his tickle fight with Dez, or his tryout for DWTS at Drake's pad over the summer. Just a total loser. And a perfect Giant.



Power Rankings

 We've had a bit of separation this week. Teams




Sorry. We might have some good teams. Let's get it. Also, shoutout Mike Y. HOW COULD YOU CUT R.KELLY?!?!?! That's my Robert, always peein' on people.

14. The Old Ball Sack (0-3) - Last week: 10. Defending chump is back in the doghouse. This is basically what I expected for your team. Maybe not this bad, but at 0-3, this team is a ways from contention.

13. Geno 911 (1-2) - Last week: 14. If Mike Y's team didn't do so poorly, you might've held onto your spot. The Middle East looks wild. I look forward to your snapchat of you in a headdress, which I will save for the lottery next year.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (1-2) - Last week: 13. Le'Veon is back. Brady is almost back. This team is going to look a lot better with those two in the Mixx. I know you have the Jacksons, but be like me and try to enjoy some Johnsons.

11. Harambe Was Set-Up (2-1) - Last week: 9. I don't know, man. I'm a bit concerned with this roster. The Raiders don't have the flash they had last year, and Gronk is screwing you. Things should improve, but tough for now.

10. Team Bartholomew (0-3) - Last week: 12. Winless and without 2 high picks, things are tough. But you have good players still and you're putting up points. Usually that translates to wins.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-3) - Last week: 8. Rodgers is on fire, but needs some help. Would be great if 1st round pick Jamaal Charles got into the action. Like Tatz, putting up points and better days ahead.

8. Pork Chop Express (1-2) - Last week: 11. You love the Cowboys. They don't get to play the Bears every week, but they look decent. ARob also finally showed up, which is good. I do question your depth. Bye weeks are going to be rough, and any injury will be devastating.

7. The King's Crusaders (2-1) - Last week: 6. As I said last week, I was unsure. Leaning a little more towards work needs to be done. Maclin and JT will have better weeks, but consistency may be a problem. Jordy was a great pick. Great pick for me last year too.

6. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-0-1) - Last week: 7. EEB is furious at your luck. No losses through 3 weeks is pretty exciting.

5. Stanky Monkeys (2-1) - Last week: 2.  I think the top 5 could really be in any order at this point. Tough break on Snead. My concern for your team is even more strong. What do you do at RB?

 4. ROLL THE DICE (3-0) - Last week: 3. Barely moving down, but you're certainly in the mix of top teams. Despite a goose from Kelvin, Mike Evans and Marvin Jones stepped up. It's crazy how good Jones has been. Wish I had him.

 3. Dueling Pylons (3-0) - Last week: 5. Pylons are 3-0 for the first time since 2012. A little thin at WR, but with the way RBs are going down, the depth is key. The DJ/AB combo is for real.

 2. Team BG (2-1) - Last week: 4. Never thought a team with Fozzy Whittaker would be #2, but here it is. The run and shoot is working very well, even though Derek Carr has been underwhelming. In a good spot.

 1. A Lot O'Tatz (2-0-1) - Last week: 1. Still up top. Again no reason to move this team, even with losing your 1st round pick. That's how strong this team is. We'll see how you hold up.


Week 4 Matchups
DP v. Stanky Monkeys
Bartholomew v. TITTY
King v. Cutty
Ball Sack v. Harambe
BG v. Lobitz
EEB v. Gambino
TPG v. D-WEEZE

Some big matchups this week. TPG, Gambino, Tatz all need wins or could fall behind. But it's early. 7 teams get in. Looking forward to another fun week.
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Tuesday, September 20, 2016

2 Weeks and It's Gone to Shit


Sorry for the delay in posting the blog. Eagles Monday night gets way too rowdy. Also a lot of great fantasy games this week.

***** ALERT ***** PLEASE VOTE FOR WGF *****

 I highly encourage all of you to vote for We Global Football in the Football Blogging Awards.  Just type "We Global Football" in the Best International Blog section and vote. If we get nominated, Matt and I are likely headed to Manchester, England for the awards at Old Trafford. It's actually mandatory before you read on.

Wow that was an unreal week 2. Nobody took it harder than A.B. Tatz. Lost Woodhead for the season, lost Arian Foster to a groin injury, and lost by 1 point after getting nothing from either back. Just brutal. But that's the name of the game now. Guys get injured absolutely all the time. Peterson tore his meniscus. Ameer Abdullah went down with a foot injury. Doug Martin hurt his vag. It's not right.

But this shit happens every year. Guys drop like flies and you're left starting Kapri Bibbs and watching an inferior product. Hopefully this rate doesn't continue because it sucks. Two more QBs also went down.

I almost had my beef of the week w Scott Hansen this week, but he narrowly escaped. I really think he doesn't understand how scoring works. Dolphins down 8 w a Hail Mary, and it's "Tannehill with one shot to see if the Dolphins can beat the Patriots for the first time in..." Are TDs now worth 9 points? Guy tries to add unnecessary drama and facts that are just made up. I don't get it at all. Year after year, this guy with arguably the most important job in football television just does not understand how these things work.

His highlight this week, however, emerged w a garbage time TD from . His comment after the TD? "If you had cxxxxxxx on your fantasy team, I feel sorry for your drafting skills". Are you kidding? So if you're cuffing in the club, and you actually picked the guy who scores TDs, you're terrible at drafting and ripe for insults? That doesn't add up at all. But he just doesn't understand.

I know that it was already 120 hours ago, but Bills Mafia is BACK! 24 hours before game time, the RV lot was already sold out as people excreted all kinds of bodily fluids in preparation. Here are some highlights ahead of another great season.










Also congratulations are in order for new papa Matthew James Atallian on future gnome Jackson Henry. And a special thank you to Katie for holding out. Poor Tatz had me pick his players and now they're all hurt.


 Beef of the Week: TJ Ward

This blog has been mostly about brutality. And nobody is a bigger asshole than TJ Ward. It is absolutely remarkable that this guy is still allowed to play in the league after all of the guy's he's intentionally injured. This week, it was Geno 911's Donte Moncrief taking a brutal hit and knocking him out for a couple weeks. Here's a brief history of TJ Ward's cheap shots:









http://denver.cbslocal.com/2014/05/22/prized-free-agent-with-broncos-now-a-wanted-man/

And finally, his shot on Moncrief:


This guy is such a piece of shit. He's targeted guys, been fined, suspended, beat a stripper. It's an absolute joke that he's allowed to keep playing in the league when they're supposedly focused on player safety.


Power Rankings

14. Geno 911 (0-2) - Last week: 5. This feels right. I can't believe some of the players that are in your lineup. Wow.

13. Bo$$town Cutter (1-1) - Last week: 12. Squeaked out a 1 point win v Tatz which was huge. You do have Brady and Bell sitting on the bench which could pay dividends. But not much to write home about thus far.

12. Team Bartholomew (0-2) - Last week: 4. This is mostly due to injury. Losing Woodhead, Foster, Ertz, Ivory thus far is really rough. Hopefully Foster and Ertz are back soon.

11. Pork Chop Express (0-2) - Last week: 13. #1 WR and #1 TE through two weeks and you're 11th in the standings. Tells you a lot about the rest of your team.

10. The Old Ball Sack (0-2) - Last week: 14. Encouraging performance, but rough loss to Dosh. Have about 2 weeks til Travis Benjamin goes out for the year.

9. Harambe Was Set Up (1-1) - Last week: 10. Rookies aren't looking too bad. But virtually nothing yet from your top picks. Could potentially round into form soon.




8. Tequila Party Gnones (0-2) - Last week: 9. Couldn't hold off Stanky Monkeys in one you deserved. Jamaal C has to be ready soon. Fucking Andy.

7. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-0-1) - Last week: 11. The #1, 3 and 4 RBs? That's wild. I think your team looks pretty decent, but with DeAngelo almost done his run, let's see if you keep it up. Trending up for sure.

6. The King's Crusaders (2-0) - Last week: 3. Still not sure about this team. Will most likely settle somewhere in the middle of the pack, but a couple gems still on the bench.

5. Dueling Pylons (2-0) - Last week: 6. Corey Coleman is a stud, but needs someone to throw him the ball. Big 2 can pop off any week. Bills and Browns, baby!

4. Team BG (1-1) - Last week: 7. Very thin at RB with J-Stew going down. But Josh Gordon is due back soon and the rest of the squad is shaping up nicely. Eagles D is a steal.

3. ROLL THE DICE (2-0) - Last week: 8. I'm a believer. Kelvin Benjamin is tearing shit up. And if Russell Wilson gets it together, this team will be much better. Matt Forte will soon be hurt.

2. Stanky Monkeys (2-0) - Last week: 2. Only criticism would be 2 RBs on the roster total that are playing football right now. That could turn south quick, but very solid top to bottom.

1. A Lot O'Tatz (1-0-1) - Last week: 1. "FUSCO IS SO LUCKY". Yeaaa that's what he does. Had a pretty rough week, but still looking good to me. I'd expect things to improve sooner than later. Still my choice.


Week 3 Matchups
Pylons v. TPG
Harambe v. GamGeno
EEB v. D-Sheetz
Foosco v. Sarcone
Tatz v. BG
Lobitz v. Cutty
Dosh v. Woody


Let's get it. This season is off to a hot start.

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Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Wentz for MVP



The NFL is back! And Carson "The Real Deal" Wentz is here to carve up the Browns. Super Bowl baby!!! At least 4 separate times throughout week 1, I thought to myself “well that’s the clear beef of the week right there”. I had truly forgotten how many frustrating things happen on a single Sunday. Eventually, I settled on one, but man was it tough. I haven’t even lost my shit on Scott Hansen yet!

Before we get there, I highly encourage all of you to vote for We Global Football in the Football Blogging Awards.  Just type "We Global Football" in the Best International Blog section and vote. If we get nominated, Matt and I are likely headed to Manchester, England for the awards at Old Trafford. It's actually mandatory before you read on.


Beef #1: How bout that ESPN app, huh! Been preparing for football since February, and as soon as people need to use it, the whole thing goes dark. It was infuriating. I got complaints from no less than 8 league members, like I’m the one who manages the app. “Are we switching sites”, “How do I know how bad Mike Y’s scrubs are beating me”, “When will the app be back up”? All questions I received. ESPN did a terrible job, as usual. We’re not switching sites yet, but I’ll keep this in the back of my mind for the future.

Beef #2: Offseason injury reports are absolute garbage. Teams keep things concealed until the NFL forces them to release information. That is absolute bullshit. Guys like Jamaal Charles, Gronk, DeVante Parker “weren’t ready” for Week 1. Now Sammy Watkins is “dealing with significant pain”. Why couldn’t you let us know that before the EFFL draft? Would it have given your Week 1 opponent that much of an advantage? This is arguably worse than the guy who gets injured after the draft. These were not new injuries. They were just blatant lies. That’s not fair to the public.

Beef #3: Ben Lobitz. I’ve never seen someone so excited to bet on the Jaguars to win a game. Even after informing you that I had already teased the Packers to even money, you decided to make a wager for us on the Jaguars, ensuring that I’m a loser. I know this was the most likely outcome to begin with, but at least give me a shot, man. That’s cold.

Shoutout ESPN for the honor:






 Broadway Cro’s Bad Beat of the Week™: In previous said teaser, we had the Titans +8.5 at home against Shaun Hill and the Vikings. Up 10-0 at the half, the Titans proceeded to allow 0 offensive TDs and still lose the parlay. The icing on the cake was the Titans scoring a TD to pull within 9, and then Mike “Cut the” Mularkey deciding to go for 2 for some ungodly reason. Thank you, Mike. I look forward to fading you in the future.

But believe it or not, that was not the Bad Beat of the Week. That comes courtesy of the Indianapolis Colts, who I can’t even describe how happy I am that I did not have. This was one of the worst I’ve ever seen. The Colts were a field goal favorite at home against the Lions. So teased, they were getting 2.5 points. The Lions were up by 6 points. The Colts drove down and scored a TD with just 37 seconds left in the game, and the extra point gave them a 1 point lead.

The Lions were trying frantically to stage a comeback. A quick pass here, a quick pass there. Staffy-Poo absolutely losing his shit:



The Lions got into range for about a 50 yarder to win the game with 8 seconds left. Matt “Fat” Prater drills the kick with 4 seconds left on the clock to put the Lions up 2. On the ensuing kickoff, the Colts try the play where you throw it backwards a million times with the clock at 0. About 20 seconds into this disaster, somehow, a Colts player ended up running around with the ball in the end zone. He threw a forward pass. When you throw an illegal forward pass from the end zone, it counts as a safety. The play ended, and the Lions were awarded ANOTHER 2 points, winning the game by 4. The Colts were winning the game with 8 seconds left, did not allow a touchdown, and somehow lost by more than 2 points in regulation. Absolutely incredible.

As a bonus, I bet on Alistair Saturday night:





Beef of the Week: Finally! He’s gotten to it after chewing my ear off with some gambling nonsense. My beef of the week occurred Sunday night, watching the Cardinals and Patriots. After forcing and recovering a Jimmy Garricks fumble, the Cardinals celebrated, just like any other play. And out comes the flag. What was the flag for, you ask?

15 yards for a “choreographed demonstration”. Those were the exact words used by the referee. And Cris Collinsworth immediately is spewing “That’s the correct call!!!!” What fucking sport are we playing here? Bunch of white guys sitting around a table determined that hey, we can’t have any choreographed demonstration. That’s detrimental to our product. Are you kidding me? My beef is mostly due to the fact that a referee is called in to action and forced to determine if a celebration was choreographed or not. Is it OK to dance if you don’t plan it or if you’re not doing the same dance? How is this real life?

My biggest question in all of this is “WHO CARES?!?!?” Why does anyone care if players have a celebration dance? What’s next? No choreographed handshakes? No choreographed chest bumps? The NFL needs to get it together on these celebrations. It’s an absolute farce. Somehow, also, Antonio Brown was penalized for twerking. Didn't use the ball as a prop. It wasn't a choreographed demonstration. It wasn't a group celebration. They need to stop this shit for real.

I’m going to keep the team blurbs short this year. You know if your team sucks or not.


 JOCKS WHO ARE COCKS
A running list of potential fantasy adds who think that disrespecting a country will get racist cops to no longer be racist, because somebody has to take a stand against America on 9/11.

- Colin Kaepernick
- Arian Foster
- Kenny Stills


Power Rankings

 14. The Old Ball Sack (0-1) – Last week: 13. I’d wager some money that you don’t pick draft location next year. Could it be your classic case of first to worst? A lot of work to do here.

13. Pork Chop Express (0-1) – Last week: 11. Thought to himself, “I really want to start 2 Cowboys rookies Week 1”. Slept with a Tony Romo poster last night.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (0-1) – Last week: 10. Those injuries hurt. I think better days lie ahead but don’t get in too big of a hole.

11. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-0) – Last week: 9. Unlike Cutter, you’re about to get a lot worse. DeAngelo and Ware are on borrowed time. Keenan Allen is done for the year. In desperate need of WR help already.

10. Harambe Was Set-Up (1-0) – Last week: 12.  Pretty solid first week and still only ended up w 110. Getting Gronk back will be huge. I’m still uncertain on your team and could easily move up.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-1) – Last week: 2. Might be a bit low here. A lot of teams are close in quality. Very interested in Breshad P. He made a nice grab. Defense and kicker let you down. Not bad otherwise.

8. ROLL THE DICE (1-0) – Last week: 14. I guess I was too harsh. If Kelvin Benjamin is back in form, I think your team looks a lot better. Marvin Jones is gonna have a nice season since Golden Tate is absolutely awful.

7. Team BG (0-1) – Last week: 3. Solid roster. I’m moving you down a bit, but only 36 from Julio, Demaryius and Landry is awful low. Most weeks will be better. Keep your head up.

6. Dueling Pylons (1-0) – Last week: 6. Insisted on Bills and Browns. They all did terrible, but the rest of the roster looks like it could be pretty solid. Better weeks ahead for sure.

5. Geno 911 (0-1) – Last week: 4. Another year with the same story. Got hammered and forgot to draft a bench. You have so many guys I would never want to root for.

4. Team Bartholomew (0-1) – Last week: 7. Wish I drafted Danny Woodhead for myself. Too much WR talent for that low of a score. Your team will be a force in no time.

3. The King’s Crusaders (1-0) – Last week: 8. I’m sure this will be the year Matt Ryan has a career year. Just another classic squad. High draft pick is injured, yet you still win. Then he comes back and nobody wants to play you.

2. Stanky Monkeys (1-0) – Last week: 5. 32 from Willie Snead?!?!? Get out of here. Unbelievable performance. That Langford/Mathews RB combo is solid. Drafted well, and I think you’ve got a lot of wins ahead.

1. A Lot O’Tatz (1-0) – Last week: 1. No reason to move you from the top spot. All Day put up 3 points and you still went hammer time on Lobitz. Edelman, Baldwin, and Sanu seems unfathomable as one of the best WR trios in the league, but it’s true. Stud Theo Riddick on the bench could also be a huge boost. Well done.


 Week 2 Matchups
Lobitz v. Pylons
King v. Gambino
BG v. Phil
TITTY v. EEB
Adam v. Adam
Stanky v. TPG
DOSH v. D-Sheetz


See you all for the blog next weekend.
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Sunday, August 28, 2016

EFFL Season 13 Coming in Hot


The EFFL Draft is in the books! Believe it or not, the most painful thing for me was not having my horse finish in 3rd, followed by a mandatory eating of a habanero. The worst was handing the prized EFFL trophy to Mike Y. So, so painful. The guy certainly earned it last year. I just looked at the record books, and his team was 13-2, including the playoffs. That's an unbelievable record.

Even more impressive, he started the season 2-2. He finished the season with 11 straight wins and didn't lose after the beginning of October. One of the most impressive seasons in the EFFL to date.

And how did he celebrate? By spending about 3 hours at Rick's with D-Weeze, where apparently "these Russian chicks wouldn't let me leave!" This is not the first time that Rick's has been mentioned in a blog. You can search it in the top left, but they refused to show Giants games previously because Eli was so bad. Ironically, Eli is Mike Y's QB. Yet he seemed to love Rick's. As is frequently the case, Fusco was not pleased with this selection.

Back to the draft, we had a nice section with plenty of space to go wild. A special thanks to tired Papa EEB for putting in work on the draft board. It was much appreciated while I maintained the virtual draft board. We NEED a sticker bitch. I think everyone would be extremely happy if we just each pitched in $5-10 bucks to get someone to do it.


 Beef of the Week: Draft Rowdiness

This is a minor beef. Young beef, like veal. Our waitress repeatedly complemented the courtesy of the EFFL participants. There was another draft going on downstairs and she said they were vicious savages. She didn't even want to go down there. Even after the open bar was over, she continued to feed us free beer and refused to accept our money. I view this as a negative. The animals drafting in the downstairs room were popping off. Drafting with authority. I know we can get on that level. We should be on that level. Let's step it up.


As is frequently the case, I'll provide a draft recap of each team and who I expect to do good and bad.

Tweeting in the Trenches - Big ups for getting the space. I assume you spat on the floor of Rick's, even though I have no confirmation. I think your team is decent. I don't think it's the best squad, but certainly not the worst. If Keenan Allen can stay healthy, I think you have a real nice trio of receivers. RB group as a whole has a lot of question marks. You QB and TE are over 70 years old combined. That is definitely risky.

Best Pick: Christine Michael. Love him as a sleeper
Worst Pick: DeMarcus Murray. Could easily lose the starting job to Derrick Henry at any point.
Overall Grade: C+


Team BG - Gambino must've asked about 20 times if you were gonna take any non-WRs. Hard to have beef with any of the first 4 picks, however. If Josh Gordon is playing, which it looks like he is, he's a monster. You could easily, easily end up with 4 top 15 receivers. That's always your strategy. Just need the other pieces to come together. Derek Carr might be good enough.

Best Pick: Josh Gordon. I think he's off the drugs.
Worst Pick: Rashad Jennings. Needed an RB, but he's 31 and always seems to break down.
Overall Grade: B+


Dueling Pylons - GET OUT OF THIRD!!! PLEASE!! PLEASE!!! For those not in attendance, whichever horse finished 3rd in the lottery race had to suck down a habanero. It was me. Came into the draft pouring sweat. It was fun. Probably not my best draft, but not my worst at all. I've done it yet again. 2 Bills, 2 Browns. Been my Achilles heel since inception, and I keep going back to the well. I do like both teams this year, however.

Best Pick: Tyrod Taylor. Getting arguably the best QB in the league in the 7th round is a steal.
Worst Pick: Devin Funchess. 6th round is probably a little early, but the WR core was bare.
Overall Grade: B-


Old Ball Sack - Another fantastic showing from Mike Y. That's just in terms of drunk booty seeking. Won the championship with a Julio/Lamar Miller/BMarsh core. Kept the last two and replace Julio with Hopkins. Hard to argue with those 3, but I'm a little more concerned this year. Going double Texans is risky, and despite having a monster season last year, BMarsh is 32. He's getting up there. I'm really not a fan of any of your other picks. At all. I think you need those big 3 to repeat their seasons to have a shot.

Best Pick: DeAndre Hopkins
Worst Pick: Coby Fleener in the 4th round. Just a terrible pick.
Overall Grade: D+


A Lot O'Tatz
This poor guy was exhausted. Having a month old baby will do that to you. Despite running the board, your selections were pretty solid. I think I tried to pick Mohamed Sanu about 4 times. Also a great snag in round 15 with Artis-Penis. You got guys who have been in the league and look like they could peak this year. WR core isn't flashy, but it's good. Only real concern for me is the depth at RB. If Peterson or McCoy don't deliver, I don't know where you turn. Overall nice job.

Best Pick: Doug Baldwin. I know he was a keeper, but to get that quality WR that late is awesome.
Worst Pick: Bilal Powell. Don't think he gets enough opportunities.
Overall Grade: A


Geno 911 - I thought you left the Hofbrau Bierhaus to chase ladies. Only later did I find out you were too close to puking up Jamo shots. I advise you to keep this shot strategy up at future drafts. I know you'll be surprised, but I'm actually going to compliment your draft. It's a bold strategy, Cotton, to go after a bunch of former Pylons in Luck and Gurley, but you might end up with the #1 RB and QB. Can't hate on that. Even Barnidge and Markus Wheaton aren't that bad. I think you'll be competitive.

Best Pick: Andrew Luck. No reason for him to last that long.
Worst Pick: Mike Wallace. I think he's out of the league.
Overall Grade: B+


Harambe Was Set-Up - I kid you not, I was about to type "how long til this team name changes to something with Harambe?" and then looked at the team name. Went right back to both Raiders. It worked well last year. I imagine you and BG were sitting together talking about how much you both loved the Raiders and how good they are. I am not a fan of your RBs at all. Everyone at the draft kept saying "are we gonna draft Devonta Freeman?", and everyone just shook their heads, because nobody wanted to risk getting him. He wasn't durable, and that really hurt you last year. I think you could run into trouble with a lot of rookie WRs.

Best Pick: Amari Cooper. He's a stud.
Worst Pick: Sterling Shepard. Way too early.
Overall Grade; C-


Stanky Monkeys - My favorite draft experience every single year. Lou proudly makes a selection. Hears groans from the audience, defends the pick. Then immediate silence. Then a couple picks pass. Then "Do you really think that was a bad pick?" Then a couple more minutes. Then self-doubt followed by regret. It's incredible to watch the process. This year's selection of Dion Lewis was that pick. I actually think you did pretty solid. Going double Ravens receivers is pretty funny. RBs are certainly a question mark. Could go either way.

Best Pick: Ryan Mathews. At that spot, it's really good value for a guy who figures to get a ton of work.
Worst Pick: Dion Lewis. He's out for at least half the year.
Overall Grade: B


Bo$$town Cutter - Using two of your first 5 picks on players out 3 and 4 weeks is not smart. You're making it extra difficult on yourself. I actually like your picks and think after week 4 you'll be one of the better teams in the league. I'm concerned that you may be digging to big of a hole. Also very thin at RB, and given your top two both ended last year on IR, that could become a problem. I'd like your team much better if the guys weren't suspended.

Best Pick: Brady. 5th round you might as well.
Worst Pick: Vincent Jackson. He needs to retire.
Overall Grade: C


D-WEENIS - Set a new league record for most consecutive picks of players who scored 0 NFL TDs the year before. Took 3 defenses. I'll be honest: I think you've got a lot of work to do. It's almost a best-case scenario for all of your picks to justify their draft position. But your roster is extremely thin. I'd be shocked if you end the season with more than 6 or 7 guys you drafted. Maybe you'll surprise.

Best Pick: Marvin Jones. Actually like the pick.
Worst Pick: Melvin Gordon. Has done nothing to justify being selected that high.
Overall Grade: D-


Team Bartholomew - Congrats on the new baby. I drafted your team so obviously I love it. I've seen Cobb way too low on rankings. He had a rough year because Jordy was hurt, but he's a stud. Woodhead was the #3 RB last year and he'll catch a ton of passes again. If your guys stay healthy, you'll be a good team.

Best Pick: Randall Cobb
Worst Pick: Rishard Matthews. Sorry we got drunk towards the end.
Overall Grade: B-


Pork Chop Express - Constantly feeling oppressed by the league. Told me I'm telling people to pick your keepers, meanwhile you and Matt were scheming all night. I'll leave you with some Rozay.
I really liked your draft last year, but I do not feel the same way this year. Took 4 rookie RBs and 3 second-year RBs. No veteran leadership on this team. QB situation is not good. I think you have some work to do. Certainly not a lost cause, but work to do.

Best Pick: Greg Olsen
Worst Pick: Jordan Matthews. Guy can't catch a cold.
Overall Grade: C


Tequila Party Gnomes - Another classic TPG performance. UND LITER OF BEER! Despite drinking all day, I think you peaked at the right time. I'm impressed with your draft. The UJ problem has always been depth. Considering your dudes always get banged up, depth is key. My only concern is at RB after Jamaal Charles. But I think one of your other guys will be relevant sooner than later. You should be a contender, and I'd be very surprised otherwise. Nice work.

Best Pick: Larry Fitzgerald. Top 10 receiver all year last year. 5th round pick. Fantastic
Worst Pick: Martellus Bennett. That offense can support 2, but a #2 TE in the 6th round is a tough sell.
Overall Grade: A


The King's Crusaders - Lots of rookies. Lots of question marks. This feels awfully risky for a King team. 5 players that didn't play in the NFL last season. Hyde, Parker, and Thomas missed parts of the season, and Eifert is currently out of action. It should come together, but an interesting choice to go double Packers after bailing on Aaron Rodgers last year. I think you're around the middle with the potential to go in either direction.

Best Pick: Michael Floyd. Don't like him but great value there.
Worst Pick: Paul Perkins. He's terrible.

Overall Grade: C+


So, heading into the start of the season, the EFFL Power Rankings look pretty unusual. Here we go:

14. D-WEENIS: D-
13. The Old Ball Sack: D+
12. Harambe Was Set-Up: C-
11. Pork Chop Express: C
10. Bo$$town Cutter: C
9. Tweeting in the Trenches: C+
8. The King's Crusaders: C+
7. Team Bartholomew: B-
6. Dueling Pylons: B-
5. Stanky Monkeys: B
4. Geno 911: B+
3. Team BG: B+
2. Tequila Party Gnomes: A
1. A Lot O'Tatz: A
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Monday, December 14, 2015

What Do You Mean?


Johnny Football!! I've been clamoring for him all season and it finally happened.

Pew! Pew! Pew! Let him play! "Here's a guy that's done nothing, and all we do is show him on TV". - Terry Bradshaw. Fuck outta here TB. I want ENTERTAINMENT.

This is the best thing I've ever seen. Like ever. That's how you celebrate! Players should continue this trend until the league realizes how ridiculous of a penalty excessive celebration is. Bring back the balls as props, group celebrations, everything. It makes the game so so so much more exciting.

 We're down to the final 4, and I'm sorry guys, it's bad news. We already knew the much maligned Mile Y was a semifinalist, but it has gotten much worse. 3 time defending champ Christian Fusco (pronounced FOOS-co) is still alive. Chris Woody is also still alive. These are the people that are going to be taking your money. But there is some hope. The rest of the league can hitch our wagon to Eric Brooking. He's our only out at this point. One of these four "gentlemen" will take home the EFFL crown, a massive pot of money, and decide the location of the 2016 EFFL draft.

Yes, all the good guys lost in round 1. Phil took home the points crown in the regular season, but his team clearly lost steam as the season wore on. Stanky Monkeys were never able to recover from the Edelman injury. Just didn't have the hits on the waiver wire that other teams did. And Lobitz, whose fantasy season ended in every league he's in, was done in by classic hubris. Nothing foreshadows losing quite like insisting you have an amazing team, yet doing nothing to back it up. After I gave him the old "good job, good effort" pep talk following a 71 point effort, I was told to "eat shit". A scorned man who finished out of the money, plus lost side bets to me. That's a tough one. I've been telling you all year how terrible Davante Adams is. His stats back it up. Yet that wasn't enough to keep you from using him in a playoff game.

Beef of the Week: 


Might be pork. Not exactly sure. But that's a full slab at Oklahoma Joe's in Kansas (don't ask me why). This came from a damn gas station and was one of the best meals I've ever had. Full slab w a side of Z Man and a couple Boulevard Wheats.


Poor Chiefs tailgate. Had absolutely nothing on #BillsMafia and it poured its ass off. The weirdest thing I saw was a custom Chargers jersey: Flacco 3. What?!?!? Was Flacco sent to the Chargers and nobody knew? Who pays money for this shit!?!?

This is usually the point in the season where I've had enough of blogging. It's no different this year. But you're all in luck, as being stuck on a flight has left me with no option.

The Old Ball Sack v A Lot O'Tatz

Grudge match here. Two Redskins fans who I'd bet a million dollars will be texting "YOU LIKE THAT?!?!?!?? YOU LIKE THAT!!!!" after every single thing that happens during the games Sunday. Somehow Dosh will get looped into a group text. I do feel some allegiance to EEB as our 4 trades this year mean basically everyone on his roster was on my team at some point. As he's also the least objectionable remaining member, I'm clearly on board for as much Tatz as possible. You know what happens to an old ball sack when it sits idle for a week? Grows cobwebs. I'm expecting Mike Y to lay an egg and bow out! That's one name we cannot have added to the trophy.

Commish's Pick: A Lot O'Tatz

The King's Crusaders v Tweeting in the Trenches
Just seeing this as a semifinal match must drive even the calmest of men insane. "Gotta be fucking kidding me" is also a proper response. This is a rematch of last year's championship game. It ensures that one of these 3 time champs will again be in the finals. Fusco can't win again. His stupid giggle drives me nuts. And he knows it drives me nuts and it makes him giggle even more. I do think this is going to be a pretty good matchup. Both teams have been playing very well of late, and despite my frustration, it's hard to deny that both teams are deserving of reaching this point. I don't wanna hear that Russell Wilson ain't fuckin. He's been hot as shit, and has carried Fusco to this point. Happened last year w Odell. It's bullshit. This streak has to end, and I think it ends here.

Commish's Pick: The King's Crusaders

I can't believe it, but I'm predicting an EEB-Woody final. That would be a hell of a matchup, as that's one of the league's biggest rivalries. One of these 4 teams will hoist the EFFL trophy. Perhaps one of these fathers will have their child yet again break the trophy. Good luck to everyone in the semis.

Next week will be the last blog of the season. Not only does nobody care after the finals, I will be away enjoying spending Christmas in a tropical climate. Wouldn't wanna ruin your trip Mr. Cheapskate. Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate anyway?!?!
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Monday, December 7, 2015

Color Money



We have our field of 7 teams. It went as predicted, but it wasn’t until late Sunday night that 3-time defending chump Chris Cusco punched his ticket to the EFFL playoffs. Tatz made a push, and Dosh never threatened, but this is still a disappointing result. Cusco was led to victory by Russell Wilson. 
While he refuses to give the D to Ciara, he had no problem repeatedly inserting into an unsuspecting BG. This D was also given to me, as I was knocked out as a result. I don’t know what this says about the guy.

Before we get into some of the previews, I’d like to direct your attention, yet again, to #BillsMafia. They’ve completely outdone themselves this week, and not coincidentally, the team did work on the field. I’ll just direct your attention to this link here, which recaps the complete debauchery that took place in the Ralph Wilson parking lot.

http://www.barstoolsports.com/chicago/monday-morning-bills-mafia-rewind/

There’s a woman dropping trou in a urinal, Santa Claus being choke slammed, and I couldn’t tell from the brief video, but that looked like Kyle Orton working over Sammy Watkins pretty good. Just remarkable. Best comment in regards to the video I’ve seen: “You can tell he’s a Bills fan by how comfortable he is working from behind.”

I’m giving a lot of thought to moving my Bachelor Party to Buffalo. I know it seems ridiculous, but nothing says enjoy marriage better than having one of your boys suplex you through a table.

Beef of the Week: Tom Coughlin

I feel like this clown has been in this spot before, but he’s fully deserving yet again after blowing a “home” game against the Jets. Honestly, being in a bar in NYC during Jets-Giants is the absolute worst. Both fan bases are so delusional, and literally nobody outside of NY cares about the game AT ALL.

But here was Coughlin, up 10 in the fourth quarter, facing a 4th and 2 from the Jets 8 yard line. And this clown goes for it! How do you do that?!?!? The drive took 11 minutes and they got nothing out of it. The Giants could have gone up 2 TDs on the Jets, but Coughlin instead decided to go for it and fail. Of course he’s then shown with the same dumb look on his face he always has. It’s the “I obviously made the right call, why didn’t that work?” look. Just utter confusion. Time to pack it in old man. The Jets went on to win in Overtime, after lackluster kicker Josh Brown missed a field goal to extend the game.

Coaching stupidity of this level should not be tolerated. Not only was the wrong call made, he insisted after the game that it was the right call. That’s the problem. Failing to admit your mistakes is one of the worst things you can do as a person. I hate the Giants, but at this point, I’m glad they have a clueless guy at the helm. It can only help other teams.

So here are our Playoff matchups. Please be aware that if you are eliminated from the playoffs, you cannot make further roster moves. Just don’t try it.

#1 The Old Ball Sack – Mike Young will be chilling during Week 14 while the rest of the league fights it out. He cannot play Lou or Phil. He will play the lowest remaining seed. Just have to hope that nobody gets injured.

#2 Stanky Monkeys v. #7 A Lot O’Tatz – EEB lost and Fusco won. Fusco also finished with more points, so EEB falls to 7th to take on Lou. Neither team can be all that enthused about their Week 13 performance. Particularly EEB, who lost to nemesis Woody and fell two spots. If EEB wins, he gets Mike Y, which is surely enticing. If Lou wins, he’ll play the next highest remaining seed. At this point, I’m not all that confident in A Lot O’Tatz. The team has reached 125 points just once this season. I think this is going to be a close one, given each team’s stature right now, but I think with Forte back, I’m leaning Stanky Monkeys in a nail biter.

Commish’s Pick: Stanky Monkeys

#3 Cecil Had It Coming v. #6 Tweeting in the Trenches – This is a big ask for a first timer. Take down the 3-time defending champ to extend your season. And the team that comes in at #6 has been the much hotter team of late. TITTY has piled up 284 points in the past two weeks. Cecil did finally turn it around in Week 13, so perhaps he’s turned a corner. This is going to be a very interesting one. These teams met just two weeks ago with dominant performances from Russell Wilson yet again. I’m a little skeptical here, and I’m obviously rooting for Phil. This is a tough one to call.

Commish’s Pick: Cecil Had It Coming

#4 Pork Chop Express v. #5 The King’s Crusaders – The playoffs this year leave very few “palatable” teams. Aka, I want both of these teams to lose. Woody went 8 weeks straight without scoring more than 112 points, but he’s in the playoffs on the heels of a 4 game winning streak. I’m glad we finally saw something from Pork Chop Express this week. He’s been coasting for a while after starting 5-2. But the Running Backs are REALLY struggling. DeMarcus Murray has been relegated. Jameer Abdullah can’t get on the field. And Danny “White Guy” Woodhead has been pretty bad for the past couple of weeks. I don’t think either team really has a huge advantage, but it will be interesting to see how the trade of Palmer/Tron for Rodgers/Kelce comes into play here. According to a trade proposal, Lobitz quipped: “Rodgers and Kelce for Palmer and Calvin. I know you will say no and it makes me happy cuz I really don’t want to do it anyway”.

Commish’s Pick: The King’s Crusaders

So that’s my final four. Mike Y, Lou, Phil, Woody. You take your pick who you want to win, but if that happens, it’s a guarantee that one of Mike Y and Woody is in the final. That would be terrible.


Good luck to the 7 still in contention. Remember, the winner gets to determine in what city the 2016 EFFL Draft is held. Buffalo is an option.
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