Unusual Suspects Arrive

With 5 weeks in the books, teams surely are starting to take a little more notice at the playoff picture.  Our last winless team finally got a victory, and in doing so won the weekly $10 prize.  I have to admit that this blog was very difficult to write this week.  It’s been a year since a Pylons squad has scored less than 100 points, and this one hurt.  I spent all day Sunday drinking heavily and it ended with me missing the entire Chargers-Saints game.  Most of this resulted from the Eagles having the ball a total of 4 times in the final 42 minutes of play.  Absolutely pathetic performance.  Yes, I was high fiving a 15 year old kid in a bar wearing a #29 Shady jersey.

One of the most interesting observations of the week is the 1-4 Chris Fusco squad.  The guy owns #1, 2, 3, 4, and 6 in the NFL in receiving yards, yet is only 1-4.  More on him later in the blog.  Also, a heartfelt apology to Mr. Adam Tatz.  He put up 151 points and it still was not enough.  Just an awful beat.  Both EEB and Tatz are #2 in scoring in their respective leagues and each is 2-3.  I definitely anticipate the trash talk heating up as these matchups become even more critical.

Beef of the Week: My beef of the week has to do with the handling of a certain quarterback that has been in this space before.  I have been extremely critical of Blaine Gabbert.  I’ve insisted that he is by far the worst quarterback in the league.  Jaguars head coach Mike Mularkey apparently believes he “has something” in this young fraud.

The Jaguars were tied 3-3 at the half with the Bears on Sunday.  A remarkable feat by any means.  You have an awful, awful quarterback and one of the best running backs in the league in Maurice Jones-Drew.  Somehow, despite the game being tied, the Jaguars 2^nd half stats are as follows:

Maurice Jones-Drew: 1 carry, 27 yards, 1 first down

Blaine Gabbert: 7 for 15, 22 yards, 2 interceptions returned for TD, 2 sacks, 0 first downs.

Despite having a stud running back, Mike Mularkey allowed Gabbert to continue to dig the Jaguars into a bigger and bigger hole.  With 2 minutes left in the game, the score was 41-3.  MJD was mercifully removed, and if you took the Bears -37.5 in the 2^nd half, you sir were a big winner.  How does an NFL head coach have such little understanding of the talent on his roster?  It is just completely baffling to me.  I’d fire his ass on the spot after a showing like that.  The team is now 1-4, with their only win coming on a last minute Cecil Shorts III 80 yard catch and run.  The over/under for season wins was 5.5, and I am absolutely kicking myself for not betting my life savings on the under.

On to the week 5 rankings:

EFFL League 1

1. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-1) – Last week: 1 – TPG looks like the team to beat right now.  After another impressive showing against the King, TPG now has the #1 record, is #1 in points scored, and Is #1 in the breakdown across both leagues.  70 points from Marques Colston the past 2 weeks has carried this team to new heights.  The Gnomes are an extremely impressive 11-3 in their last 14 regular season games.  Well done.

2. Coach Janky Spanky (2-3) – Last week: 3 – Poor EEB got 182 points dropped on him.  There’s nothing you can do about that.  Despite that, he has been in the top half of league scoring every single week.  He is the only team to accomplish this feat.  How about Tony Gonzalez?!?!?  The ageless wonder can’t be stopped, and he is the #1 tight end through 5 weeks.  This team looks like it will turn it around sooner than later, but could definitely use some luck on his side.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-4) – Last week: 7 – It may seem a bit odd to find the team tied for last place in the #3 slot, but as I always say in fantasy football… You can’t play defense.  The Fusco squad has turned around in a major way, and he looks to have a pretty decent crop of receivers.  That being said, I wouldn’t expect this team to reach 180 again.  Everything had to fall into place for that to happen, but going forward I still think this team will be a contender.

4. Dueling Pylons (3-2) – Last week: 2 – The Pylons have fallen on tough times after a second straight defeat.  Still should be OK at 3-2, but the losing streak must end.  As has been the case with this team, will only go as far as the receivers take them.  Having Torrey Smith, Gronk and Jordy Nelson combine for only 17 points is virtually an automatic loss.  Couple that with an injured QB and you have a recipe for disaster.  In contrast to Mr. Fusco, should only go up from the abysmal week 5 performance.

5. Stanky Monkeys (3-2) – Last week: 5 – I hate Victor Cruz.  3 TDs in my face is unnecessary, and as a result of your insensitivity, you are dropped in the power rankings.  It looks like Aaron Rodgers has finally turned the corner, and this team’s running backs may appear to be getting it together after all.  You took a lot of heat for your draft, but I think it worked out for you.  At 3-2, the Stanky Monkeys should be a contender as well.

6. Lady Luck (3-2) – Last week: 8 – As thin as this team is, I actually think that the starting lineup is pretty solid.  Brady, Fitz, Gates, Julio is a pretty solid foursome.  I think this is better than the other two teams have.  Also, if Ahmad Bradshaw is a decent runner, this team may be in pretty good position.  Despite being the lowest scoring team thus far, Sam could be headed for a couple wins in a row.  Bye weeks may be the only downfall.  Or injuries.  But Sam never gets them.

7. Eat My Asomugha (3-2) – Last week: 4 – I don’t know if I was high or shitfaced when I did the rankings last week, but this team should not have been at #4.  Michael Vick is a fraud.  DeSean Jackson is a lazy, lazy POS.  And the best player on the entire roster is the Bears defense.  How are you still starting Chris Johnson and Marshawn Lynch?!?!? This is insanity.  I’m so glad I beat this team and saved face.  The reason you’re at #7 is because Nicks is coming back, VJax and Miles Austin have had their bye, and you’re in playoff position.

8. The King’s Crusaders (1-4) – Last week: 6 – Oh boy.  We’ll see how low his stubbornness can take him.  It seemed pretty impossible that the King could plummet from first to last in the course of 5 weeks, but it is now the case.  This team has Percy Harvin and AJ Green and absolutely nothing else.  The longer this team goes without making a trade, the worse things will get.  While it is a noble goal to go down with ship, it is even nobler for the other ships not to answer the distress call.

EFFL League 2

1. Team Toliver (4-1) – Last week: 2 – Yashar has asserted himself as the dominant force in league 2.  I thoroughly enjoyed you laughing at Tony G destroying the Tatz.  Could have been done in by using double Bills, but can’t really fault you with Tron on a bye.  At 4-1 and the top scoring team in the league, this spot is well deserved.  Peyton Manning is also heating up at the right time.  I have to believe that this team is leading the way to promotion.

2. The Heads of State (2-3) – Last week: 1 – Had a very rough week of matchups, but I’m not yet concerned.  I like this team’s roster far too much to believe that a losing record will stick.  Despite Vick being terrible, Meech has a budding star in Andrew Luck on the bench.  The true sign of a strong team is a deep roster, and this is one of the best.  Definitely needs to lock up some wins soon.

3. Bo$$town Beasts (4-1) – Last week: 4 – Cutty keeps on cruising and bruising.  I’d have to say this is the most surprising of the 4-1 teams.  Plugged in Crabtree on a whim, and he obviously exploded.  Clearly the eye of the Jew is strong in this one.  Although I think this may not be the next best roster, I think the managing is top notch.  Surely will not be a pushover.

4. Claiborne Supremacy (2-3) – Last week: 5 – It was brutal to see you go down despite such a big week.  I also enjoyed the delicious Bareburger which I was semi blacked out for.  Trent Richardson also looks like the real deal.  I’m looking forward to seeing this team healthy and finally off byes.  This team will be higher up in the standings before you know it.  Also looking forward to your outstanding Halloween costume.

5. Threeing the Hogs (3-2) – Last week: 6 – This is exactly the type of week I would have expected from Mike Y.  I think this team can also move up in the rankings very easily.  I’m also a big fan of this roster.  If Antonio Gates or Steve Smith can put any type of respectable game together, I think this team will be a force to be reckoned with.  Miles Austin could be a nice addition as well.

6. Jersey Leshoure (2-3) – Last week: 7 – Ben couldn't have been any more excited that his season was riding on Ryan Mathews.  Thankfully, despite the rest of the team doing absolutely nothing, Reggie Wayne came through in a massive way.  I don’t know what the future holds for this team, but I’m concerned that this success may not hold up.  This team is almost a collection of busts.  At this point I’m not truly convinced that this team is better than the other two.

7. BABY TEES (1-4) – Last week: 8 – Dosh moves up a spot this week despite another tough loss.  Could be the Fusco of League 2 as teams just enjoy unloading on him.  Needs Hakeem Nicks back desperately, but I think the arrow is pointing up.  The Matt Ryan, Reg Bush and Marques Colston combo is looking very nice.  I wouldn’t be too concerned at this point, but could be on tilt very soon.  Please be something other than Dustin Keller for Halloween.

8. RGIII for President (2-3) – Last week: 3 – Uh oh.  This team is in some serious, serious trouble.   Both RG3 and Jimmy Graham went down with injuries in week 5, and with bye weeks looming this is a possible disaster waiting to happen.  Still has Cruz and Demaryius Thomas, but I’m concerned about Darryl.  Especially on a 3 game losing streak, the 2 TE strategy is rearing its ugly head due to injuries.  The jury is still out on this team, but in the meantime, I’ll be skeptical.

Things moved a lot in Week 5.  With nobody undefeated and nobody winless, there’s a lot remaining to be done.  I love when Woody is on the ropes, and I appreciate league efforts last week to prevent the commish from eating his own words.  Good luck to everyone in Week 6.  Can’t believe the regular season is approaching the midway point already.