Power Outages

I’m going to make this a pretty short blog as I have been without power since Monday night.  Apparently Con Edison’s transformers are working even poorer than Megatron.  The Eagles suck, the Giants are the luckiest team in the league, and somehow the Colts and Dolphins would both be in the playoffs if the season ended today.  Week 8 was a VERY low scoring week, as only 2 teams across the league put up more than 126 points.

Beef of the Week: My beef this week has to do with the NFL Network.  This is actually a double beef this week, so it will win the Five Guys outstanding performer award.  First of all, I appreciate the NFL Network showing throughout the day their “top fantasy performers”.  However, nobody uses their standard scoring system.  Nobody!  You can never find your players at the bottom because of this ignorance.  I don’t like it.

My second beef this week has to do with their use of Mike Mayock.  I get multiple complaints about this guy like I put him in the booth.  Nobody cares Mike that you know offensive lineman Matt Kalil’s approximate combine 40 time.  Your thick Philadelphia accent does not help matters… especially when you pronounce the word “league” as “lig”.  It’s a league Mike, a league.  NFL Network continuously pushes the worst games and makes you listen to the worst broadcast team possible.  It’s brutal to watch and even worse to listen to.

Chris Woody won the $10 week 8 prize as high score, which saddens me.  Here are the week 8 rankings:

EFFL League 1

1. Dueling Pylons (5-3) – Last week: 1 – Took a tough loss against TITTY but is still the favorite in League 1.  Would be the #1 seed if the playoffs started today.  Teams have unloaded on the Pylons to the tune of 144 PPG over the last 5 weeks, but still fighting.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-5) – Last week: 5 – Really come on strong lately.  Finally out of the gutter and threatening to make the playoffs for the first time ever.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-4) – Last week: 2 – TPG has fallen on hard times the past couple weeks but should be finally turning the corner.  Look for this team to solidify themselves as a playoff squad soon.  You were also dropped for suffering your 10^th loss to Gambino.  A stain on this storied franchise’s name.

4. The King’s Crusaders (3-5) – Last week: 6 – You knew it would be hard to keep this team down.  Still not much depth, but looking stronger with the emergence of Doug Martin.  Don’t count them out.

5. Stanky Monkeys (4-4) - Last week: 7 – Hanging in there.  Jason Witten isn’t going to give you 18 catches again, but this team has a shot to climb higher.  This is one team I think could be in danger down the stretch.

6. Eat My Asomugha (5-3) - Last week: 3 – This is a team of players nobody else wants.  I’d be willing to wager you haven’t received a single trade offer all season.  Remaining schedule doesn’t look too daunting.

7. Lady Luck (5-3) – Last week: 4 – True to form, Lady Luck is by far dead last in scoring yet is tied for first in the standings.  Happens every year.  If you had the Pylons schedule, you’d be 1-7.  With the toughest remaining schedule, this team could be in danger.

8. Coach Janky Spanky (3-5) – Last week: 8 – Holding on for dear life in the standings.  This team has had the low score 2 of the past 3 weeks.  I really wouldn’t expect things to get better any time soon.  EEB has been officially put on relegation alert.

EFFL League 2

1. Team Toliver (6-2) – Last week: 1 – Finally had the 6 game winning streak snapped by your Kryptonite Mike Y.  Still the highest scoring team with the best record, so you’ll stay here for now.

2. Threeing the Hogs (5-3) – Last week: 2 – The only guy that can get to the top team.  This team is looking pretty solid right now and should definitely be in the playoffs.

3. Claiborne Supremacy (4-4) – Last week:5 – Other than Mike Y, this is the only team that has been over 120 in 4 of the past 5 weeks.  This team should be good enough to ensure a playoff berth.

4. Jersey Leshoure (3-5) – Last week: 6 – Found out the hard way that you should never listen to the commissioner’s advice.  I’d expect to see better days ahead from this squad.

5. RGIII for President (4-4) – Last week: 4 – With election season rapidly approaching, a little more consistency is warranted.  This team should get there, but there is not much margin for error.

6. The Heads of State (4-4) – Last week: 3 – This team really should be higher at this point, but has really struggled.  If this team fails to make the playoffs I’d be shocked, but things must improve quickly.

7. Bo$$town Beasts (4-4) – Last week: 7 – Cutter is fading quickly.  Now a loser of 3 straight, this team may not have enough to hang on.  Critical game this week against Tatz.

8. BABY TEES (2-6) – Last week: 8 – Still 2 games out of a playoff spot with 5 to go, there is work to be done.  Definitely one of the toughest schedules remaining as well.  Things may get better but the odds are stacked against you.

Good luck to everyone in Week 9 as the playoffs approach.  Hope you all stayed safe during the storm and get power back soon if you lost it like myself.  Sorry for the shortened blog, but it will have to do for this week.

On My Stevie Johnson

I'm all about my Bills.  I'm on my Stevie Johnson.  It's time to take a look at fantasy football rule #1, which states: "No past or present Bills".  I have to give a special shout out to Yashar Toliver.  Recognizing the Bills were playing the 32nd ranked Titans defense, Shar added Ryan Fitzpatrick and Scott Chandler.  He started these two, as well as Stevie.  The highest scoring Bills player was on his bench, Fred Jackson.  He could have used 4 Bills, but using 3 was impressive enough.  I have 2 employed on my roster, and I think it is time to revisit this proposition.  Yashar is 6-1 and alone in first place.  The Pylons are clearly not fazed by the use of Bills as they also sit alone atop the League 1 standings.  In case you are not familiar with Ya Boy, check this out:

I'll be honest.  I can't stop playing this video.  I'm about to order a Stevie jersey and a Bills flat brim.  This is what happens when you pass the halfway point of the fantasy season.  I get over-excited about a fantasy player, drop a bunch of money on a player's jersey, and end up without a championship to my name.  Last year was Tebow.  What a mistake.  From weeks 8-13 I did nothing but Tebow wherever I went, and it just ended in disaster, as has every football season of my entire life.

Just a brief fantasy interruption to mention again my Halloween party this Saturday.  I know some of you are already coming, but the more, the merrier.  There will be some fantastic costumes as well as a dominant playlist.  I've already bought a bunch of food, so please help me eat it so I don't return to my UD bodily form.

Beef of the Week: Although I did not have much beef this week due to wine consumption rather than beer, I am taking umbrage with the NFL schedule maker.  The NFL has chosen 2012 to shove nationally televised games down your throat, and they did a pretty awful job.  This week, we were forced to suffer through "divisional rivalries" such as Seahawks-49ers, Bengals-Steelers, and Lions-Bears.  The fact of the matter is that these non-NFC East divisional games suck balls.  Nobody wants to sit around and watch a low scoring, grind it out game.  Why did the NFL feel that the masses would love nothing more than to sit through 3 of these games?

Fantasy games always come down to these Sunday and Monday night games, and the least they could do is fucking entertain me.  The most exciting moment was thinking Jay Cutler had suffered a serious injury.  I can only imagine how much Mike Tirico must hate his job.  He sees shitty games every single week and has to listen to Gruden fellate every single quarterback in hopes that he can use the film as evidence to coerce a GM to hire him as head coach.  What does "He has a PhD in Bears defense" mean?  I'm pretty sure you don't have the credentials to award someone an honorary doctorate, Jon.

On to the power rankings:

EFFL League 1

1. Dueling Pylons (5-2) - Last week: 2 - I said that this team had closed the gap on the Gnomes last week, and this week the Pylons have jumped right over the gap.  After checking the record books, the Pylons are the first team to put up 150+ in back to back weeks since the historic 08 Crusaders team that went 11-2.  While this team will face some bye week issues in the next few weeks, this team is built for the long haul.  Has taken over as the league favorite.

2. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-3) - Last week: 1 - Despite falling in the rankings, this team is definitely ahead of the rest in the league.  Byes clearly hurt this team, but being in a strong position and past almost all of the bye weeks is going to be a big advantage for this team.  At full strength, this team is right there with the Pylons for the top spot in the league.  I'd also advise looking into what color jerseys the Lions are wearing.  I'd wager your wins correspond with them wearing blue.  Don't be afraid to send some mail to the team.

3. Eat My Asomugha (4-3) - Last week: 7d - I didn't want to move Gambino up, but the rest of the league is forcing my hand.  Despite my harsh words for Nick in the past, I actually think this team has a pretty decent stable of receivers.  If Vincent Jackson keeps it up, a healthy Nicks and a paid DeSean Jackson could form a nice combo.  It is still dangerous to entrust your squad to Mike Vick, but if there's anyone who can come up with a good pun for an ex-con leading you to money, I'm sure it's you.

4. Lady Luck (4-3) - Last week: 7b - Got an important win in week 8.  As I've said in the past, this team has absolutely no depth, but I like what the starters bring to the table.  Now Lance Moore looks like he might actually have an impact.  This team always seems to appear weak, but has put up a fight.  Sam has actually had a pretty strong run of solid play, and I expect it to continue.  Looking good.

5. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-5) - Last week: 3 - This team seems to have so much potential, but is this really a formidable squad?  I say this knowing full well you'll probably drop 200 on me next week.  What is going on with this squad?  McFadden is a massive bust.  The QB and TE positions don't offer any value.  It just looks like this team should be better.  Didn't have enough to knock off the King in week 8 and now is back in dead last in the standings.  Maybe in addition to your wife making your Halloween costumes, you should also let her set your lineup.

6. The King's Crusaders (2-5) - Last week: 8 - Who's left?  Squeaked out a 1 point victory on Monday night over TITTY to save the season.  Going 2 games behind everyone else in the league and having no tiebreakers would have probably marked the end.  Don't ever doubt that the fantasy gods are on your side.  We'll see what happens with this squad, but this team certainly will not go down without a fight.  Dosh also uses multiple Vikings and he's in last place.  Perhaps that's not a coincidence.

7. Stanky Monkeys (4-3) - Last week: 7c - I actually had to do a double take because I could not believe this team was still 4-3 despite a loss.  This team is basically down to Victor Cruz and Aaron Rodgers.  Two complete assholes.  The MJD loss hurts.  If this team ends up being a serious contender, I'll be absolutely shocked.  I'm not sure what I was looking at last week, but unless you cut half your team this week, I'd be panicking.

8. Coach Janky Spanky (3-4) - Last week: 7a - I'm trying to figure out a way to rank you lower, but in the interest of time, I will postpone this decision until later.  The only thing more embarrassing than your team is the fact that Matt lost to it.  You can use the bye week as an excuse all you want, but your team is awful.  What were you drinking in AC?

EFFL League 2

1. Team Toliver (6-1) - Last week: 1 - Yashar is just steamrolling the entire league.  Now has ripped off a 6 game winning streak and is showing no signs of slowing down.  Use those Bills, son!!!!  I'm still listening to that Stevie.  2 more wins would lock up a playoff spot at this point.  Nobody else is within 2 games, and a bye looks pretty good at this point.  Congrats for being the only 6-1 team in both leagues.

2. Threeing the Hogs (4-3) - Last week: 4 - OK Mike Y.  Putting up 147 with your best players on a bye is pretty impressive.  I still don't trust the RBs, but I think this team is strong enough to make up for it.  A team that looked good on paper is finally making waves in the standings.  I think this team will definitely be in contention for a bye when all is said and done.  Should also be in contention for promotion.

3. The Heads of State (4-3) - Last week: 2 - This is probably the last week I'll give your team the benefit of the doubt due to bye weeks.  Everybody has to deal with them, but if you can't replace your bye week players with respectable players, your team is gonna suffer in the long run.  Facing a serious uphill climb to fight for a bye, and at 3-4 a playoff spot could become a concern.  I do think better days lie ahead.

4. RGIII for President (3-4) - Last week: 7 - Darryl with a huge response after a 4 game losing streak.  Dropped 174 on poor Tatz to win his 2nd $10 prize of the season.  This team is weak at RB, but I think a pretty strong lineup can be put together here.  The double TE set, Cruz, VJax and Demaryius sounds pretty good to me.  Another team that is pretty thin, but can really do some damage with the starting lineup.  Clearly a threat to go off at any point.

5. Claiborne Supremacy (3-4) - Last week: 3 - First Tatz literally took it to the face in the color run.  Then, he let Darryl unload on him shortly after.  No defense here whatsoever.  Aaron Rodgers and AJ Green gets you to this spot alone, but the other pieces are falling apart.  Richardson hurt, Murray hurt, Jennings hurt.  Things will get better, but you cannot afford to fall too far behind in the meantime.  Things are too close.

6. Jersey Leshoure (3-4) - Last week: 6 - Lucky to remain in the #6 spot.  Had a pretty nice week, but I wonder whether this team has peaked.  Now must face the bye week blues as well as accepting the fact that you're relying on Raiders, Panthers, and Colts.  I certainly at this point must question which needs more work... your golf game or your fantasy football skills?

7. Bo$$town Beasts (4-3) - Last week: 5 - Cutty is in free fall.  Also worth nothing that teams 2-7 are all within one game of each other.  Week 7 was a prime example of why it is important to have competent backups.  This team is already in trouble, but having to rely on a couple of Chiefs can't be comforting.  I know you want to be like the real Patriots, but assuming Brady alone can carry your entire squad is not a smart move.

8. BABY TEES (1-6) - Last week: 8 - We may be nearing the beginning of the end for Dosh's 2012 season.  At 1-6, is now 2 full games out of 7th place.  The good news is that at 1-6, you're still only 2 games out of 4th place since things are so tight.  The MJD injury is going to hurt a lot.  I think there's a chance you could turn it around, but you are starting far too many Vikings.  Also, being Dustin Keller for a 5th straight year for Halloween is going to hurt your chances of success.

It's been an exciting week 7 and some teams are starting to assert themselves atop each league.  It could be only a matter of weeks before teams start locking up a playoff berth.  Please don't make me watch any more Gruden.  He's unbearable.  Looking forward to seeing a bunch of you this weekend.

Drama In the Triple Box

Every now and then, staying up late to watch the end of a Monday night game pays off.  I had most of the blog written but needed to double back due to the meltdown of the Chargers.  There is NOTHING worse than being at the mercy of Norv on Monday night.  Just don't do it to yourself because the result is gonna be you drinking yourself into bolivion.  The real loser Monday night was Chris Woody.  Philip Rivers just could not get out of his own way.  He had 6! turnovers.  The end result was a 3 point Lou victory and a King team that has plummeted to 1-5.  To add insult to injury, the final Rivers fumble was recovered by Delaware alum Mike "Pops" Adams.

I think Scott Hanson may have lost his mind.  In case you missed it, in a matter of 10 seconds, RG3 ripped off a 70 yard TD run, Belichick and Cutter were buried by a Sidney Rice TD, and Jay Feely and his indoor kicking gloves doinked a game winning field goal off an upright.  It was remarkable.  That's what the NFL is all about.  That, and Wes Welker getting lit up like a Christmas tree by imposing defenders who sadly chose money over championships.

Directly to the beef....

Beef of the Week: While I will admit that I had a nice time at a wedding Sunday and thankfully missed the Eagles game, how as a grown, seemingly responsible male, do you plan your wedding on an NFL Sunday?  I think this has to piss people off more than any other wedding scenario.  Demanding guests spend thousands of dollars for a destination wedding in Latin America is probably more courteous.  Here's the result of your plans... Your guests stand in the bar area on their phones checking fantasy football scores and yelling at a dysfunctional ESPN app.  When I'm at a wedding I wanna get fucked up, fist pump, and not have to worry whether BenJarvus Green-Ellis has chosen the week he's playing me to have his one good week of the season.

Side beef: Players need to stop doing the "discount double check" every time they get near Aaron Rodgers.  I hate that cocky asshole too, but it's old and not cool.  Get your own celebration.  The only thing worse than a mock celebration is the same mock celebration that 5 other players have done before.

I also enjoyed this absolutely SICK catch by Brandon Gibson to give Greg "The Leg" Zuerlein aka "Legatron" a chance at a 66 yard tying field goal.  This guy is going to break the NFL record long field goal at some point.

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The power rankings for week 6:

EFFL League 1

1. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-2) - Last week: 1 - The clear #1 team last week, but the gap has closed on the Gnomes.  Finally took his first loss to Fusco after 4 years of league play.  You were the only League 1 member to have never lost to another League 1 member.  Congrats.  Had a bunch of bad luck in week 6, but should be back strong.  A lot of bye weeks coming up could hamper this team a little bit.  Still looking fine for the playoffs.

2. Dueling Pylons (4-2) - Last week: 4 - Apparently it took a little humility for the Pylons to get their act together.  Being overconfident in this league gets you nowhere.  Set an all time high with 171 points, and could have been even more if not for the decision to start B.Berger.  This team should have some up and down weeks, but having a number of players emerging at this point can only be a good sign.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-4) - Last week: 3 - Did not make me look foolish by ranking you highly last week.  Another very good week has TITTY looking like it's ready to be a force.  Good thing you hung in there and didn't change your name.  Has a little bit of an advantage in that a good amount of your players have already had a bye.  Surely Woody will target you and try to deal you a guy who hasn't had his bye yet. Keep up the good work and have a nice porter.  Massive week 7 matchup will go a long way.

7a. Coach Janky Spanky (2-4) - Last week: 2 - I'm going to be honest... The rest of your teams are absolute garbage.  Until further notice, I'm amending the rankings to not have teams 4-6.  Apparently if you want to be taken as a serious contender, you start Jeremy Kerley.  You gotta be kidding me, man.  To make matters worse, you inadvertently sent me a text message about the quality of avocados.  Your avocado assessment I would wager can't be worse than your fantasy assessment.  Get it together EEB!

7b. Lady Luck (3-3) - Last week: 6 - You actually have a decent team.  It's a shame outside of your core of 5 players, you have absolutely nobody else.  Lack of activity on the waiver wire is going to doom this team.  It's inevitable.  For the time being, 3-3 isn't a terrible spot to be in, and you arguably have 2 of the top 5 receivers in the league.  The ship can be righted.

7c. Stanky Monkeys (4-2) - Last week: 5 - Undoubtedly the luckiest of the 4-2 teams.  And that was before the Monday night Rivers implosion.  Aaron Rodgers won you this game, and I truly enjoyed watching him ravage Chris over and over again.  I must've yelled "HE'S PICKED AGAIN" about 15 times Monday night, because it just kept happening.  This team is in good position and any time you have Rodgers going you can't count yourself out.  Congrats on the win.

7d. Eat My Asomugha (4-2) - Last week: 7 - Nick makes a lateral move this week from 7 to 7d.  I can't believe this team is 4-2.  I can't believe this team surely reads Matthew Berry and ignores the candid advice I give him in the blog.  Still using Chris Johnson.  Still barely cracking 100 points.  Still somehow winning.  If this team winds up with a first round bye, I'm gonna need therapy.  Each week just gets worse and worse.

8. The King's Crusaders (1-5) - Last week: 8 - All alone in the basement of the EFFL standings, and I believe it's deserved after starting 2 Norv coached players Monday night.  You're just asking for it.  While you do currently have the tiebreaker over EEB as you've indicated to me about 15 times, the week 7 matchup with Fusco is absolutely massive.  If you fall to 1-6, 2 games out of the playoffs in the win/loss column, and without a tiebreaker against any playoff team, it could be all over.  Officially on the ropes again this year.  It's your turn Mr. Fusco to deliver the knockout blow.

EFFL League 2

1. Team Toliver (5-1) - Last week: 1 - Yashar now has the only 5-1 team in the league.  Despite being thin at RB, this team has found an outstanding combination at WR.  The bench also looks a little thin, but with some solid waiver wire moves, this team should be locking up a playoff spot in the next couple weeks.  Tron could have had a bigger day and made life easier for you.

2. The Heads of State (3-3) - Last week: 2 - Solid week by Meech gets him back to .500.  I'm still a little concerned about this team's reliance on Eagles players, but they've held up so far.  Depth is something I'm always big on, and this team certainly has it.  With the bye weeks coming up, he shouldn't miss a beat.  I continue to expect big things.

3. Claiborne Supremacy (3-3) - Last week: 4 - A nice move up by Tatz following a nice win.  3 players on this roster left due to injury, but other than Murray shouldn't be in terrible shape.  Don't let me talk you out of using more Packers.  If Maclin is back healthy, this team could get a huge boost following the bye.  It's good to have you focused on a league that doesn't involve your father starting 3 players on a bye.

4. Threeing the Hogs (3-3) - Last week: 5 - I'll give Mike the benefit of the doubt here.  Half of his team was on a bye in week 6, and he still put up a pretty respectable total.  Going forward, things should look much better.  I really wouldn't be all that surprised if this team responded with a massive week 7 performance.  This is another team I wouldn't want to hang around.  Knock him out.

5. BoSStown Beasts (4-2)  - Last week: 3 - A little bit of a stumble here from Cutty.  You've pulled an EEB and started double Chiefs.  That's always a risky proposition.  Still looking OK at 4-2, but this team could be on thin ice during the bye weeks, especially in week 7.  I think over the long haul this team will still wind up in the playoffs, but it's gonna be tough to snag one of the byes.

6. Jersey Leshoure (3-3) - Last week: 6 - Ben must be perplexed as to why he's had to read so long to find a blurb about his team.  I think your team is too volatile.  You have a bunch of players that are busts, yet have not made the necessary moves to overcome them.  If this were 2010 or 2011, you might be faring better, but I don't think that the pieces are in place yet to solidify the playoff run.  I'm open to reconsideration.

7. RGIII for President (2-4) - Last week: 8 - After starting 2-0, Darryl has gone downhill rather quickly.  The glaring hole at RB is very problematic.  I actually do like this team more than the ranking indicates, but establishing consistency is what you'll need to make the playoff run.  That or RG3 just exploding for 70 yard TD runs every week, which is entirely possible.

8. BABY TEES (1-5) - Last week: 7 - The opportunities are there to get yourself out of this hole, but you need to make some moves quick.  Already 2 games out of a playoff spot, it may take 3 or 4 wins in a row to get back into the conversation.  May I recommend more Vikings tight ends?  I know you're still cursing the Asian girl I had brought in to distract you during the draft.

By the time week 7 is over, we will be more than halfway done with the regular season.  It's hard to believe that it's the middle of October already.  I can only hope that Andy Reid takes two weeks to think about what he's done.  Think about why he's shown such a glaring statistic about success running the ball, yet chooses to do the exact opposite.  In any other profession, if people showed you what worked, and you continually chose to do the opposite and failed, your ass would've been fired a long time ago.

Good luck to everyone in week 7.  Oh, and welcome to the Big 12 Mountaineers

Unusual Suspects Arrive

With 5 weeks in the books, teams surely are starting to take a little more notice at the playoff picture.  Our last winless team finally got a victory, and in doing so won the weekly $10 prize.  I have to admit that this blog was very difficult to write this week.  It’s been a year since a Pylons squad has scored less than 100 points, and this one hurt.  I spent all day Sunday drinking heavily and it ended with me missing the entire Chargers-Saints game.  Most of this resulted from the Eagles having the ball a total of 4 times in the final 42 minutes of play.  Absolutely pathetic performance.  Yes, I was high fiving a 15 year old kid in a bar wearing a #29 Shady jersey.

One of the most interesting observations of the week is the 1-4 Chris Fusco squad.  The guy owns #1, 2, 3, 4, and 6 in the NFL in receiving yards, yet is only 1-4.  More on him later in the blog.  Also, a heartfelt apology to Mr. Adam Tatz.  He put up 151 points and it still was not enough.  Just an awful beat.  Both EEB and Tatz are #2 in scoring in their respective leagues and each is 2-3.  I definitely anticipate the trash talk heating up as these matchups become even more critical.

Beef of the Week: My beef of the week has to do with the handling of a certain quarterback that has been in this space before.  I have been extremely critical of Blaine Gabbert.  I’ve insisted that he is by far the worst quarterback in the league.  Jaguars head coach Mike Mularkey apparently believes he “has something” in this young fraud.

The Jaguars were tied 3-3 at the half with the Bears on Sunday.  A remarkable feat by any means.  You have an awful, awful quarterback and one of the best running backs in the league in Maurice Jones-Drew.  Somehow, despite the game being tied, the Jaguars 2^nd half stats are as follows:

Maurice Jones-Drew: 1 carry, 27 yards, 1 first down

Blaine Gabbert: 7 for 15, 22 yards, 2 interceptions returned for TD, 2 sacks, 0 first downs.

Despite having a stud running back, Mike Mularkey allowed Gabbert to continue to dig the Jaguars into a bigger and bigger hole.  With 2 minutes left in the game, the score was 41-3.  MJD was mercifully removed, and if you took the Bears -37.5 in the 2^nd half, you sir were a big winner.  How does an NFL head coach have such little understanding of the talent on his roster?  It is just completely baffling to me.  I’d fire his ass on the spot after a showing like that.  The team is now 1-4, with their only win coming on a last minute Cecil Shorts III 80 yard catch and run.  The over/under for season wins was 5.5, and I am absolutely kicking myself for not betting my life savings on the under.

On to the week 5 rankings:

EFFL League 1

1. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-1) – Last week: 1 – TPG looks like the team to beat right now.  After another impressive showing against the King, TPG now has the #1 record, is #1 in points scored, and Is #1 in the breakdown across both leagues.  70 points from Marques Colston the past 2 weeks has carried this team to new heights.  The Gnomes are an extremely impressive 11-3 in their last 14 regular season games.  Well done.

2. Coach Janky Spanky (2-3) – Last week: 3 – Poor EEB got 182 points dropped on him.  There’s nothing you can do about that.  Despite that, he has been in the top half of league scoring every single week.  He is the only team to accomplish this feat.  How about Tony Gonzalez?!?!?  The ageless wonder can’t be stopped, and he is the #1 tight end through 5 weeks.  This team looks like it will turn it around sooner than later, but could definitely use some luck on his side.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-4) – Last week: 7 – It may seem a bit odd to find the team tied for last place in the #3 slot, but as I always say in fantasy football… You can’t play defense.  The Fusco squad has turned around in a major way, and he looks to have a pretty decent crop of receivers.  That being said, I wouldn’t expect this team to reach 180 again.  Everything had to fall into place for that to happen, but going forward I still think this team will be a contender.

4. Dueling Pylons (3-2) – Last week: 2 – The Pylons have fallen on tough times after a second straight defeat.  Still should be OK at 3-2, but the losing streak must end.  As has been the case with this team, will only go as far as the receivers take them.  Having Torrey Smith, Gronk and Jordy Nelson combine for only 17 points is virtually an automatic loss.  Couple that with an injured QB and you have a recipe for disaster.  In contrast to Mr. Fusco, should only go up from the abysmal week 5 performance.

5. Stanky Monkeys (3-2) – Last week: 5 – I hate Victor Cruz.  3 TDs in my face is unnecessary, and as a result of your insensitivity, you are dropped in the power rankings.  It looks like Aaron Rodgers has finally turned the corner, and this team’s running backs may appear to be getting it together after all.  You took a lot of heat for your draft, but I think it worked out for you.  At 3-2, the Stanky Monkeys should be a contender as well.

6. Lady Luck (3-2) – Last week: 8 – As thin as this team is, I actually think that the starting lineup is pretty solid.  Brady, Fitz, Gates, Julio is a pretty solid foursome.  I think this is better than the other two teams have.  Also, if Ahmad Bradshaw is a decent runner, this team may be in pretty good position.  Despite being the lowest scoring team thus far, Sam could be headed for a couple wins in a row.  Bye weeks may be the only downfall.  Or injuries.  But Sam never gets them.

7. Eat My Asomugha (3-2) – Last week: 4 – I don’t know if I was high or shitfaced when I did the rankings last week, but this team should not have been at #4.  Michael Vick is a fraud.  DeSean Jackson is a lazy, lazy POS.  And the best player on the entire roster is the Bears defense.  How are you still starting Chris Johnson and Marshawn Lynch?!?!? This is insanity.  I’m so glad I beat this team and saved face.  The reason you’re at #7 is because Nicks is coming back, VJax and Miles Austin have had their bye, and you’re in playoff position.

8. The King’s Crusaders (1-4) – Last week: 6 – Oh boy.  We’ll see how low his stubbornness can take him.  It seemed pretty impossible that the King could plummet from first to last in the course of 5 weeks, but it is now the case.  This team has Percy Harvin and AJ Green and absolutely nothing else.  The longer this team goes without making a trade, the worse things will get.  While it is a noble goal to go down with ship, it is even nobler for the other ships not to answer the distress call.

EFFL League 2

1. Team Toliver (4-1) – Last week: 2 – Yashar has asserted himself as the dominant force in league 2.  I thoroughly enjoyed you laughing at Tony G destroying the Tatz.  Could have been done in by using double Bills, but can’t really fault you with Tron on a bye.  At 4-1 and the top scoring team in the league, this spot is well deserved.  Peyton Manning is also heating up at the right time.  I have to believe that this team is leading the way to promotion.

2. The Heads of State (2-3) – Last week: 1 – Had a very rough week of matchups, but I’m not yet concerned.  I like this team’s roster far too much to believe that a losing record will stick.  Despite Vick being terrible, Meech has a budding star in Andrew Luck on the bench.  The true sign of a strong team is a deep roster, and this is one of the best.  Definitely needs to lock up some wins soon.

3. Bo$$town Beasts (4-1) – Last week: 4 – Cutty keeps on cruising and bruising.  I’d have to say this is the most surprising of the 4-1 teams.  Plugged in Crabtree on a whim, and he obviously exploded.  Clearly the eye of the Jew is strong in this one.  Although I think this may not be the next best roster, I think the managing is top notch.  Surely will not be a pushover.

4. Claiborne Supremacy (2-3) – Last week: 5 – It was brutal to see you go down despite such a big week.  I also enjoyed the delicious Bareburger which I was semi blacked out for.  Trent Richardson also looks like the real deal.  I’m looking forward to seeing this team healthy and finally off byes.  This team will be higher up in the standings before you know it.  Also looking forward to your outstanding Halloween costume.

5. Threeing the Hogs (3-2) – Last week: 6 – This is exactly the type of week I would have expected from Mike Y.  I think this team can also move up in the rankings very easily.  I’m also a big fan of this roster.  If Antonio Gates or Steve Smith can put any type of respectable game together, I think this team will be a force to be reckoned with.  Miles Austin could be a nice addition as well.

6. Jersey Leshoure (2-3) – Last week: 7 – Ben couldn't have been any more excited that his season was riding on Ryan Mathews.  Thankfully, despite the rest of the team doing absolutely nothing, Reggie Wayne came through in a massive way.  I don’t know what the future holds for this team, but I’m concerned that this success may not hold up.  This team is almost a collection of busts.  At this point I’m not truly convinced that this team is better than the other two.

7. BABY TEES (1-4) – Last week: 8 – Dosh moves up a spot this week despite another tough loss.  Could be the Fusco of League 2 as teams just enjoy unloading on him.  Needs Hakeem Nicks back desperately, but I think the arrow is pointing up.  The Matt Ryan, Reg Bush and Marques Colston combo is looking very nice.  I wouldn’t be too concerned at this point, but could be on tilt very soon.  Please be something other than Dustin Keller for Halloween.

8. RGIII for President (2-3) – Last week: 3 – Uh oh.  This team is in some serious, serious trouble.   Both RG3 and Jimmy Graham went down with injuries in week 5, and with bye weeks looming this is a possible disaster waiting to happen.  Still has Cruz and Demaryius Thomas, but I’m concerned about Darryl.  Especially on a 3 game losing streak, the 2 TE strategy is rearing its ugly head due to injuries.  The jury is still out on this team, but in the meantime, I’ll be skeptical.

Things moved a lot in Week 5.  With nobody undefeated and nobody winless, there’s a lot remaining to be done.  I love when Woody is on the ropes, and I appreciate league efforts last week to prevent the commish from eating his own words.  Good luck to everyone in Week 6.  Can’t believe the regular season is approaching the midway point already.

'72 Dolphins Pop Bottles

Weapon X

It only took 4 weeks, but the last undefeated team has fallen.  The Pylons were taken behind the shed and ravaged by a group of angry Gnomes.  It was rough, but I'll take it.  I made a deal early Sunday morning with the fantasy gods.  I offered a sacrifice in the form of a Gnomes win in return for an Eagles victory Sunday night.  They listened.  TPG-Pylons was the highest scoring game in the 8 year history of the league.  For awhile it looked as if TPG would reach the impossible total of 200 fantasy points.  I've yet to see it.

I know that many of you stayed up into the wee hours of Sunday night, only to watch Lawrence Tynes blow a game winning field goal twice.  It's probably the most excited I've ever been to say about another male "He's Short!!!!"  Heavy drinking immediately commenced, and I had a nasty headache Monday morning.  BG took off Monday in advance of a Sunday night game.  He's a veteran, and he is missed in the league.  I've also come to appreciate GIFs more this season....  Here's some Manning face:

I sent this to some people at work, as much of my conversations revolve around the awful Jets and the awful Giants these days.  The general response was "this is what I looked like after the kick".. HAHA.  The first place Eagles sit at 3-1, and I couldn't be happier.

Random thought of the week: I have unusual dreams.  The most recent was a pentathlon of sorts.  The 5 events included an all out sprint followed by a beer chug.  Then a rousing game of quarters.  Then catching pancakes in your mouth that someone is throwing at you.  Then drawing and properly coloring the new Seattle Seahawks logo.  I came in a distant 4th behind EEB who finished 3rd.  Nobody else I know was involved.

Since pasting the GIF, I've now seen Manning face about 50 times.  To interrupt, here's Brady after scoring a rushing TD.

Yes, he's saying Fuck you, bitches!  I'm sure that'll make Cutter happy.

Beef of the Week, brought to you by Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat.  Leaving an unpleasant taste in your cubemates nostrils since 2006.  I have some severe beef with the New York Jets and Rex Ryan this week.  They couldn't even throw me a bone and score a fucking point.  Defenses have ripped me a new one in 2012, and the 49ers went off for over 30 points.  Mark Sanchez is absolute garbage.  And the worst part is that Tebow is even worse.  This fatass Rex keeps defending this ass clown.  In 4 years, his QB rating is a shade under 73, good for dead last among real QBs.  A decent QB may have done something decent with that squad.  And the worst part is listening CONSTANTLY to the seesaw of NY drama.  One week he's winning the Super Bowl and the next he should be benched.  I recently heard "I like Sanchez"... What?!?!?!? You're retarded and not in a politically correct way.  This team is a disaster, and if you wish to cause me future fantasy pain, start the defense that plays the Jets.

Side beef: Is NBC serious with the salsa music?  They had a clip cued up to play upon Victor Cruz scoring a touchdown.  That's clown status.  I'd like to see them have the A Town Stomp cued up to blare some Lil Jon upon Cam Newton scoring a TD.  That'll be the day.

It's been an interesting season around the league.  I never thought I'd see a day where the Falcons and Texans look like the dominant forces in the NFL.  In the spirit of side bets, I'll take all bets on what week Schaub gets injured.  I'm also excited about both leagues being so close.  Lots of good teams and lots of bad teams, yet somehow everyone is within 2 games of each other through 4 weeks.  We had an unbelievably high scoring week, so let's get to where we stand in the power rankings.  TPG cracked 190! and won the $10 prize this week.  Finally someone has brought some respectability to League 1.  Special shout out to Adam Cutter, who put up 187 points and somehow was not the high score.  Very impressive.

EFFL League 1

1. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-1) - Last week: 2 - Absolute statement game from the Gnomes has removed the Pylons from the top spot.  This was an explosion of epic proportion.  It's the highest scoring game in Matt's history.  All of this was done with Calvin Johnson only scoring 10 points and Mike Wallace on a bye. This team has now taken over as the Vegas odds on favorite to hoist the EFFL trophy for the first time.

2. Dueling Pylons (3-1) - Last week: 1 - Got taken down in a big way by the #1 squad but still put up almost 140 in defeat.  Definitely nothing to be upset at.  The Pylons are still looking very good and can certainly assert themselves in the next couple weeks.  Depth at running back will prove vital as we enter the bye weeks and surely will lose more players to injury.

3. Coach Janky Spanky (2-2) - Last week: 4 - I demanded in the blog last week that EEB get it together.  He responded with a 160 point thrashing of Lady Luck.  How long can you ride the Chiefs bandwagon?  And how consistently can you expect your special teams to put up double digit points?  For the love of God, stop using Danny Amendola.  Just because you're extremely white doesn't mean your team needs to be too.

4. Eat My Asomugha (3-1) - Last week: 6 - I really wish there was a better team in the league so I could put an actual good team in the #4 slot.  League 1 definitely appears to be thinner than league 2.  I don't really believe in the running backs, but if Vick can keep playing reasonably well, this team should be fine to make the playoffs.  Completed a season sweep of Woody due to a scheduling debacle.  Could come in handy down the line.  Also said he was disappointed that this wasn't closer as the Bears D on Monday night with multiple TDs surely brings back bad memories.

5. Stanky Monkeys (2-2) - Last week: 8 - I'm willing to give Lou the benefit of the doubt at this point.  He's been upset being in the basement for awhile and he needed something positive.  Got a game from Rodgers he was expecting with a number 1 pick.  I think this team is turning the corner and has a huge matchup with the Pylons in week 5.  Could really assert themselves as a serious contender for the first time in many years.

6. The King's Crusaders (1-3) - Last week: 3 - The King will sit and tell you about how he's one game out of the playoffs, but despite the majority of teams making the playoffs, this team is in trouble.  He will tell you that it is a marathon, not a sprint.  I think it's a cover.  You can't lose twice to Gambino and expect to be taken seriously.  No consistency at all, and I really question whether this team can put it together.  Faces a red hot TPG in week 5 and must be careful.

7. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-4) - Last week: 5 - Stock is pointing way down.  Now two games behind in the playoff hunt and still looking for the first win of 2012.  Fusco has never made the playoffs, and even shrinking the league to 8 teams may not be enough to get him in.  Needs to get it together immediately or will surely end up in the postseason relegation battle.  There's just not enough firepower on this roster.

8. Lady Luck (2-2) - Last week: 7 - Finally back in a familiar place, Sam's team drops to last after another embarrassing week.  I'm looking at this roster and wondering what happened.  There's nothing of substance. Starting both Law Firm and Michael Bush in this league is not going to get it done.  Not that you could have done anything this week, but it will be interesting to see if this team can hold off the two teams below.

EFFL League 2

1. The Heads of State (2-2) - Last week: 2 - Young Meech is back.  Left both Ravens receivers on the bench, but no problem.  Plugged in Owen Daniels and immediate results.  This team is stacked and for my money is the best in the league.  The only weakness may be the reliance on the Eagles, but should be able to overcome it with the rest of the roster.  I wouldn't be surprised to see this team rip off a couple wins in a row.

2. Team Toliver (3-1) - Last week: 1 - Picked up a nice win against a tough Leshoure squad.  Always seems to make the right lineup decisions as well.  I very much look forward to watching Bills-Chiefs with you at some point.  Also very respectable not taking my advice and adding a team name.  I'm sure you've been busy dreaming up a Halloween costume.

3. RGIII for President (2-2) - Last week: 5 - I'm so torn on what to do with Darryl's squad.  Week to week there isn't much consistency, but perhaps a pic of you Griffining would boost your stock in these rankings.  Ran into a huge week from the Meech squad in week 4, but I think this team rebounds next week.     Lineup decisions must improve, however.

4. Bo$$town Beasts (3-1) - Last week: 8 - Finally got a team name and moved way up in the rankings.  Actually Cutter has put together a far better squad than I expected.  Lit up the scoreboard to the tune of 180+ in week 4, which is extremely impressive.  Even without CJ Spiller, this team asserted itself as legit.  Not yet certified boss, but doing well.  I think this team may stay a contender.  If you put up 185 points, you should win the $10 prize.  Unfortunately it just wasn't enough this week.

5. Claiborne Supremacy (2-2) - Last week: 3 - I gave you the benefit of the doubt, but sacrificed a win due to lineup decisions.  I know you never want to start a defense against guys you start.  And I know you never want to start a defense against your favorite team, but it was very costly here.  I still think Tatz has a solid squad, and it won't take much to move up in the rankings.  Many of these teams are close together.

6. Threeing the Hogs (2-2) - Last week: 6 - Shockingly benched Brandon Marshall in favor of Malcom Floyd.  An odd move for sure but thankfully your opponent made more mistakes than you did.  I really thought this team would be better at this point, but perhaps breaking the losing streak is exactly what you needed.  The NFC South will carry you a long way.

7. Jersey Leshoure (1-3) - Last week: 4 - This team has gone in the tank.  Has virtually the same team as TITTY and as a result has a similar record.  120 is a decent total but thus far has been unable to put it all together.  You said it best yourself... Starting a black QB and a bunch of white WRs is rarely a recipe for fantasy success.  Especially when one of them is Danny Amendola.  I'm also sorry you were fooled into buying a fantasy magazine with Cam Newton on the cover.

8. BABY TEES (1-3) - Last week: 7 - Made some headway last week with a win but went right back in the tank in week 4.  Complained that his opponents always blow up, yet you were the low score of the week.  You wouldn't have beaten anybody.  You fell into your own trap and started Ramses Barden, Kyle Rudolph and Martellus Bennett.  Getting Nicks back will be big, but Dosh could lose a lot of ground until then.  Must be active on the waiver wire.


This was the longest blog of the season, and I feel like I have been writing for hours.  It's a thankless job.  I hope you all enjoyed the massively high scoring week.  Keep an eye out for bye weeks as they will really be picking up going forward.  Good luck to everyone in week 5.