Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Three Weeks of Pure Bliss



It's time to eat! Celebration of the year right here:




And the hero we don't deserve:


Nobody knew what to expect in Week 3. Would it be a disaster with Luke Falk? (Yes) Would Josh Rosen be murdered on the field? (Yes). But it wasn't so bad! Gardner Minshew is so hot right now. Talked about how he smashed his own hand with a hammer to try to get a medical redshirt.

Kyle Allen torched the lowly Cardinals and their #1 overall pick and handsome coach. Mason Rudolph was a disaster. Dwayne Haskins time is coming.

But... Danny Dimes. Whoever came up with that nickname is genius. Way better than "Scary" Terry McLaurin. Side note... you can't just give the nickname "Scary Terry" to every player named Terry. That's not how it works. That one better not stick.

Danny Dimes bent over Bruce Arians and the Buccaneers and gave Chris Fusco the best climax he's ever experienced. I could hear the screams of pleasure from Forest View Drive in the next state. And I'm laughing and happy for the time being. Giants fans think they've got the next Patrick Mahomes. If only he had someone to throw the ball to. Maybe an Odell Beckham. I don't know. I look forward to fading the Giants due to the extreme, full bloom love about to take place.

Sure, Bruce Arians took a penalty on purpose to give his field goal kicker a longer field goal, which I've never heard of before in my entire life. But this was all Giants, baby. Bills home opener was Sunday. Bills are 3-0, welcoming the 3-0 Patriots to town next Sunday. Someone will die. Probably not this guy. He's already dead:



 And how bout this power bomb:
Unbelievably electric stuff. The Eagles suck almost as much as the Dolphins, so that's fun. I highly doubt this year will be the year we see the highly anticipated Super Bowl rematch between these franchises when Dan Marino miraculously returned at halftime after going missing.

And of course, congratulations to Adam and Rebecca Cutter for becoming first time parents. Right after the birth, I'm told Adam immediately went to check the inactives, while Rebecca prepared for Sunday Funday from the hospital. Congrats from the EFFL!! (the words you were looking for most, I know).


Beef of the Week: NFL Schedule Makers

Seriously... who has this job and why do they suck SO bad? Here are the Monday night games:

Broncos @ Raiders
Browns @ Jets
Bears @ Redskins
Bengals @ Steelers
Browns @ 49ers
Lions @ Packers
Patriots @ Jets
Dolphins @ Steelers
Cowboys @ Giants

Sorry guys, but you're never getting another blog on Tuesday morning. This is so, so bad. I fell asleep at like 9 PM last night. Blogless. How can I possibly suffer through these games long enough to see the results and then type a blog. I'm not that young anymore! If you want to help the commish, just don't start any players on these teams. I'd appreciate it.


Also, I realized I never shared the updated payouts since we moved to $150. Here's what we've got

1st: $1100
2nd: $500
3rd-4th: $150 each
High Season Points: $150
2nd High Season Points: $50
Total: $2100

The EFFL champion will take home more money than ever.


Power Rankings:

14. Street Pigeons (0-3) - Last week: 11
Sadly has lost the plot. Fallen arse over tit. Taking the piss. AB quitting football is not good for the brand. Pidge is in trouble. No wins. Now the byes are hitting. It could be a struggle. Need to right this ship quickly.

13. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-2) - Last week: 8
Blew your load all over Meech. Followed it up with two stinkers. Now Saquon goes down. It's still very early, but man that's a lot to recover from. Maybe Melvin Gordon will show up to work one of these days. Only one game out of the playoff cut line.

12. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (2-1) - Last week: 14
Hey, you're 2-1! The trade winds were a blowin' Thursday night. Ultimately agreed to Lindsay/Hollywood for Godwin/Mostert after turning down the exact same offer but also throwing in a case of beer from your end. I admire your bargaining. I still want that beer, though.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (0-3) - Last week: 9
Having a baby on a football Sunday is no excuse. Lowest scoring team through 3 weeks, and I'm surprised. Expected more. Devonta Freeman and Mike Williams have not been reliable at all.

10. BAD NEWS BOSH (2-1) - Last week: 7
4th to last in points scored. I'm sure you'll drop 150 on me. Having to sit James Conner and Aaron Rodgers can't be a good feeling, but I respect the bold moves. Let's see if your team responds.

9. Stanky Monkeys (1-2) - Last week: 13
Should never have changed the team name! A 160 point outburst was huge, and I'm glad to see this team getting back on track. I think this team's arrow is heading up. Montgomery getting more carries. Will Dissly looks like he's legit out of nowhere. Definitely on the rise.

8. Geno 911 (1-2) - Last week: 12
I know you'll take an easy win. Never ideal to miss the draft and then the 2 weeks preceding the season, but you're hanging in there. That's all I've got.

7. The King's Crusaders (1-2) - Last week: 10
Lacking that killer instinct this year. Would like to see some more consistency, but that could be a problem. Chris Carson is a fumbling machine and other players have a tendency to disappear. Middle of the pack for now.

6. Pork Chop Express (1-1-1) - Last week: 4
I'm sure you'll win this week. Every time I move you down, you win. Diggs is a bust. OH MY GOD you're using Royce Freeman. Please no hahaha. And Demetrius Harris. How can you look yourself in the mirror?

5. Philly Peppers (2-1) - Last week: 3
Took your first L. Mike Y is on a mission. I'm concerned your roster is thinning out. Throughout the bye weeks, it may be a bit of a struggle. But finding Waller was nice (even if it was because of stupid Matthew Berry).

4. Team BG (1-2) - Last week: 1
I've done enough damage. I'll back off. Still nothing to be concerned about at this point. 4th in points. I like this team to pick things up. Baker has been bad. Feels like Tyler Boyd and Ridley have done nothing. Better days are ahead.

3. The Old Ball Sack (3-0) - Last week: 6
Last week in the blog I said "this isn't a real team". Well Mike Y dropped 183 on the King in responses and here we are. Everything clicked for one week. The week before you put up 98. I don't know how to properly handle that kind of standard deviation. So #3 it is, for now.

 2. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-0) - Last week: 5
3-0! Holy shit! I did not see this one coming. Austin Ekeler and Evan Engram are manhandling the opposition. I guess this team is good?!?! 129, 133, 132 is the kind of consistency that gets you going places in the power rankings. Well done.

1. Dueling Pylons (2-0-1) - Last week: 2
I know I shouldn't do this. I really, really shouldn't do this. The last time the Pylons hit #1 in the Power Rankings was Week 7 of 2016. But I think this ranking is fair at this point. This is a star-studded roster that's putting up points.


Week 4 Matchups

 BAD NEWS BOSH v Dueling Pylons
Tweeting in the Trenches v Pork Chop Express
Street Pigeons v The King's Crusaders
Philly Peppers v Ouch! My Hamstringy!
The Old Ball Sack v Team BG
Bo$$town Cutter v Stanky Monkeys

EFFL Game of the Week

 Tequila Party Gnomes v Geno 911 - This game is a turning point. One team will see their season slipping while the other gets back to .500 and can seriously consider making a playoff push. Lots at stake in the original pepper rivalry match. The last two champs face off here.
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Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Back At It

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Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Week 1 in the Books


This is what peak performance looks like. I've lamented about Big Rapey and the Yinzers before. Their music was cool in the mid-80s. But man is it fun to see them suffer. Even moreso than the Patriots for me. One week in, and that team is easily gonna have a top 10 pick next year. We don't need AB! We don't need Le'Veon! You do if you want to win! Joke's on you!


Man is it good to be back to football. I saved myself for Sunday, ready to explode. I was in the liquor store by 10:30 AM. Manhandling a 2nd flat screen into the living room by 11:30. Laptop streaming games. 2000 calories ingested by 3 PM. Everything was ready, and the first NFL Sunday did not fail to deliver.

The game wasn't even in Buffalo, but Bills Mafia is back. Michael Atallian was spotted in Carolina drinking one sitting's worth of Miller:

Michael Thomas murdered a poor ballboy:



 There was also this ridiculous tailgate in Miami:
Spoiler: if Dosh wins the league, the draft is going to be in Miami next year. His grandma also did a press conference.


What else happened? Odell wore a $250k Richard Mille watch during a football game. The Redskins blew a 17 point lead... and then blew my fucking wagers. And oh yea.. Lamar Jackson. I don't remember much from the EFFL draft, but I do remember losing my shit because I wanted, and got, the goat. Dude was feasting on Mahi Mahi all afternoon.

It was a week for the ages. The ghost of Sammy Watkins went off for 3 TDs. John Ross wasn't injured and lit it up. DeSean Jackson turned it back right quick. And of course the Browns got crushed. Week 1 was legit, and it's good to be back.


Beef of the Week: Buffalo Bills Playcalling

Seems like odd beef, I know. At one point, the Bills had run 34 plays, 31 of which were Josh Allen dropbacks. He had 4 turnovers. The Bills were losing to the Goddamn Jets. But then logic prevailed. Adam Gase is an absolute clown and was easily taken advantage of. And the Bills won. I better not see these transgressions again.

Speaking of, is there any coach worse in the NFL than Adam Gase? This dude is so full of himself, and is hot garbage. He's 13-20 as a coach since the start of 2017. He thinks he's smarter than everyone. The offense didn't work because he "maybe overloaded" the team. Well if my players were as smart as me, we would've won! When asked if he planned to get other offensive players more involved, he responded "that's the beautiful part about being head coach. I can basically do what I want." But it's the Jets, so it's funny. In the famous words of Jim Tomsula... fuck 'em.



 (The Redskins probably blew that game too).


Power Rankings

 May see a bit of a shakeup in the power rankings this week. First time where I'm actually doing the ranking, so I'm incredibly biased.

14. Stanky Monkeys (0-1) - Last week: 7
Hello darkness, my old friend. Tevin Coleman already down. Dante Pettis 2 snaps. David Montgomery being phased in. Ugh. I will say, contrary to prior years, this team has a lot of guys with potential. This is purely where I see it now, but I don't think it's bad yet. Dalvin looks awesome. Wentz is back, and Mike Evans won't be sick every week. More to come.

13. Geno 911 (0-1) - Last week: 8
Got a text Saturday about how good it is to have TB12. Sure. Had the wrong Jets receiver. I forgot Robby Anderson was arrested and told the arresting officer he was going to find his wife and nut in her eye. Seems perfect for this roster. I'm sure I'll lose to you when we play. The Dolphins are a dumpster fire, so sorry about that. Maybe don't book Jason Aldean next year.

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-0) - Last week: 4
Such a Fusco move. Week 1 66 points from Evan Engram and Austin Ekeler. Get out of here. Joe Mixon is already banged up. Maybe he can go punch a woman in the face to feel better. This team is going to win games, and every time, I'll look at the roster, groan and wonder how we ended up here.

11. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (1-0) - Last week: 13
Tyreek Hill already hurt with chest bruising. See, there is karma for punching your 3 year old son in the chest for acting like a kid. This team should be named Ouch, Daddy! Anyway, EEB left both John Brown and Marquise Brown on the bench. Left more Brown behind than a trip to Taco Bell while fighting illness. For now, this is where this team is at, but we'll see.

10. The King's Crusaders (0-1) - Last week: 6
Zeke and Adam "White Claw" Thielen are enough to hold the team down. But where else are the points going to come from? Chris Carson? John Ross? Guice is already hurt and Matt Ryan looks like he's gonna be shit this season. Never know with that guy. Like EEB, on hold until further notice, but I'm more concerned about this team than a couple others behind.

9. Philly Peppers (1-0) - Last week: 10
I fully expect Phil to outperform this expectation. But Week 1 was not good. Getting Mahomes is big, and he'll carry you, but going QB early is always risky, especially in this league. Doubling down on the Texans, who have zero offensive line is risky. If Adams goes down, could be in huge trouble. This team has work to do.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (0-1) - Last week: 14
Goff, Freeman, and Mike Williams didn't get it going yet, but I don't expect that to continue. The real key is not the starting lineup, but what's waiting to be unleashed in Hockenson and Devin Singletary. Get those two guys in, Goff gets cooking, and this team is dangerous. Mike Thomas, Tarik, Alshon. I see a lot of potential here.

7. Street Pigeons (0-1) - Last week: 9
Missing AB in week 1 is not ideal, but you know that better days are ahead. Starting DaeSean Hamilton? Man, times are tough. Even a huge week from DeSean wasn't enough. This team will play better, but Cam Newton looked like trash. His shoulder may be done.

 6. Pork Chop Express (0-0-1) - Last week: 5
A TIE! Unbelievable that it went down like that. Chubb and Diggs really did nothing and still put up a ton of points. If TY is OK with Brissett, this is a playoff team. Dak looked unstoppable (albeit against the Giants). Only thing to pick at is the depth. Not a lot to work with, but hopefully you won't need it. That 2nd TY touchdown hurt bad, because we didn't even win the bet.

5. BAD NEWS BOSH (0-1) - Last week: 3
Is this Chris Bosh? T-Rex is in the league now? Your two Cardinals put up 50 points, and maybe you're on to something. Allen Robinson also looked legit. I was a bit down on this team, but it's possible I was being harsh. I can only imagine your reaction as Rivers threw TD after TD on your bench. You probably cursed Aaron Rodgers to the moon.

4. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-0) - Last week: 2
Sorry, but I'm not sold on Sammy 'Sweetheart' Watkins. Leonardo Fournetti's fettucine alfredo was not cooked al dente. Really took it in the jewels with the Luck retirement (We shift to Mariota!) and Melvin Gordon refusing to play. Despite all of that, still put up a ton of points. I think you need to be active on the waiver wire to keep this spot.

3. Dueling Pylons (0-0-1) - Last week: 12
This may be a large overreaction, but LAMAR. He was slicing and dicing. Just cooking. Hollywood, then Mark Andrews. He was relentless. If DUPY can find a solution at RB (and there's some talent on the bench), this team is going to be dangerous and certainly in the top tier. I feel like BG. All the receivers, and just trying to find one Hail Mary at RB.

2. The Old Ball Sack (1-0) - Last week: 1
Impressive Week 1 performance from Mike Y. I feel like TPG shifted the entire karma of the league by locking Mike Y out of that hotel room. He paid his dues. Almost got ejected from a hotel for trying to get into a room he had a key for. He's gonna be hot all year. Watching Derrick Henry rumble 70 yards down the sideline is one of the great joys in life.

1. Team BG (1-0) - Last week: 11
I know this is the kiss of death, but this is a good team. The Ravens duo is going to be so nice. Ridley, Baker, Nuk. Even McLovin could be in play. Strong team, some solid depth, no major holes. I think at this point this is looking like the team to beat. I like what I've seen thus far.


Week 1 was a lot of fun. Can't wait to do it again this coming Sunday.

Week 2 matchups:

Stanky Monkeys v Dueling Pylons
The King's Crusaders v Geno 911
Philly Peppers v Tequila Party Gnomes (THIS IS A SPICY ONE!!! FOUR PEPPERS!!)
TITTY v Street Pidge
Bo$$town Cutter v BAD NEWS CHRIS BOSH
The Old Ball Sack v Ouch! My Hamstringy!

EFFL Game of the Week
Pork Chop Express v Team BG - Expecting big things from this matchup.

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Tuesday, August 20, 2019

EFFL Season 15 is off to a Blazing Start


The Summer of Claw. That's what 2019 has been. Weeks before the draft, I notified TPG that Harry's was a Claw shop. He threatened to call the distributor, more as a joke than anything. As the weeks turned to days and the EFFL draft was upon the horizon, more and more recruits emerged. It was obvious that we were going to drink them dry.

I don't know how many I had. But I do know that Dosh was ordering 4 at a time and shit himself at Stiletto's at late night. 10 AM, and the man was trying to open Stiletto's. He reappeared 17 hours later in the same spot, on the same day. I'm very glad I avoided that trap this year.

But whoo boy were there fireworks. Things started off hot and heavy, with the draw of the Pepper Pick. A new wrinkle this year where the pepper was inside an unknown envelope, adding even more drama. Meech gracefully volunteered to represent Gambino and Tatz in the pepper lottery. And it was always going to be him. As an aside, Nick volunteered to eat a hab next year for missing the draft. Subsequently, he was chosen for a 2nd straight year and now must eat at least 2 next year. If he is drawn for a 3rd straight year, he will do 3!!

Joining him was Phil, aka Philly Peppers. While the pain may be immense on draft night, the pepper produced an EFFL champion in 2018. Call it good luck.. except when I eat it.



Sadly, we did not see Pauly's D at Harrah's. But there was enough activity to go around. Matt was accosted by a patron in the casino. Meech took matters into his own hands and told him he hopes his wife gets wrecked by a girthy gentleman.

But that was not all. The fun was just beginning. Somehow, Matt, Meech, and Mike Y were paired together in a room. Nobody knows what happened to Mike Y. What we do know is he returned to his room around 3 AM, only to find the room dead bolted and the guests passed out. They would not open the door. Security was called on a gentleman insisting he lived there and banging on a door for hours. He must've called people at least 30 times to no avail. Eventually at 6 AM, Mike was let into his room. Nobody has heard from him since.

Cutter puked on the Garden State Parkway. I think he's puked at like 90% of the drafts.

It was a classic draft, and a fantastic time. Thank you again to everyone for making the trip. I know it's one of the best days of the year for most of us. Nick, the trophy is en route to you soon.


Beef of the Week: Harrah's Check-In

The obvious choice. Who doesn't have check in til 4 PM and actually follows it?!?! We couldn't do the draft lottery at the beach bar because of this indiscretion. Unacceptable. We won't be back.


Power Rankings:

I've gone to a professional website and entered the draft results. These results are unedited and in no way reflect my personal opinion, which is worthless anyway.

14. Bo$$town Cutter - I don't know what to say, but it seems a bit tough to disagree. Waiting on QB and rolling out Goff is fine, but Freeman, Alshon, and Jared Cook may have all been reaches. You took players on good offenses, however, which always gives you a good shot. I would definitely have you outside the playoff picture initially, but dead last may be a bit harsh.

13. Ouch! My Hamstringy! - Come ahn, EEB! You messed up the keepers despite being given the 14th position and arguably most important role. Again I think this is a bit harsh. Watson with Tyreek and Juju is going to be good. Real good. Just remains to be seen where things land. I'm cautiously optimistic.

12. Dueling Pylons - Who needs RBs! I'm a believer in Jameis and Lamar. I'll roll out Sony any day of the week. And arguably the #1 receiving corps in the league. What do these preseason rankings know anyway?

11. Team BG - The Damien Williams pick was a little surprising, but who's stopping him from having a Kareem Hunt-like season. I think you paid for the ceiling, however. Baker and Nuk is going to be nice, and Boyd could be a solid complement. I think this spot is a fair assessment.

10. Philly Peppers - Mahomes, Adams, Fuller... the whole gang's back together. Just missing Michael Crabtree. My biggest concern is your depth. Really need Jacobs to produce and Fuller, Gallup, or Njoku to step up. If not, who replaces them? Luck is on your side, however.

9. Team Bartholomeech - Could go really well... or really bad. Gurley, AB, Kittle, Kerryon... this could easily be the best team in the league. Things got a bit hairy in the middle rounds when the well known names started to dry up. Prob needs a couple waiver adds to be a serious contender, but the potential is there.

8. Geno 911 - Middle of the pack for a team drafted by the league is truly the best you can hope for. Kamara, Ertz, Cooper isn't bad. Sprinkle in some Brady and you're there. Sorry you got all the guys nobody wanted. Robby Anderson will surely put up a top 20 season for you.

7. Stanky Monkeys - I actually like your team. Going double Panthers is risky, but getting 2 guys poised to breakout is a good thing. Dalvin and David Montgomery is an interesting duo and if Wentz is healthy, he should be a top QB. I see opportunity. Stanky Monkeys should be back.

6. The King's Crusaders - I think this is a stretch. I'm not as high on this team. Zeke really may just not play and that's a huge problem. AJ Green is already injured. Greg Olsen is older than Mike Y. If all goes well, you'll be in the mix, but I think that's more unlikely than not. I'm concerned you had too much Claw.

5. Pork Chop Express - Brees, Le'Veon, TY Hilton. It's a championship team from 2015! I'm not a huge fan of Henry or Kirk, but Chubb and Diggs are good. I think this team is ranked reasonably. Don't see much better than the 4 or 5 teams behind it. You always seem to find a way, however.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches - Feels like forever since I've seen TITTY ranked this high. Almost lost the right to be called TITTY with horrible performances over the past few years. Again, I think this team is solid, but relative to the teams behind it, there's not much difference. Josh Gordon could end up being a steal. QB needs to be addressed. This team will be competitive.

3. Long and Thunderous - Also a term for a shit at a strip club. Never heard anyone bitch more in my life about getting James Conner in the 3rd round. Starting DJ, Kelce, Conner automatically vaults you towards the top. Good luck with Rodgers. He's infuriating. Also, your receivers are horrible. If anything happens to your big 3 players, you're in a lot of trouble.

2. Tequila Party Gnomes - A RUNNING BACK. NAPLES, ITALY. It's a match made in heaven. If Melvin Gordon gets his contract sorted out, TPG is full of riches. A healthy Andrew Luck could also be a top 3 QB. I think TPG is a serious contender this year.

1. The Old Ball Sack - At least you got a bit of revenge on Matt. I swear this isn't my doing. I'll be honest... I'm surprised with this ranking. Of course, McCaffrey is great to have, but behind that I'm pretty concerned. Jarvis Landry and Edelman may not combine for 1,000 receiving yards on 200 catches. If I'm being honest... I don't think this team makes the playoffs. But the experts like it.


EFFL Schedule will be released over the next week or two. Thanks again to everyone for coming to the draft. If there are any other funny stories that I may have missed and should be added to this or a future blog, please let me know.

We're also going to set up a couple watch parties.. maybe a Thursday night, maybe a couple Sundays to get some people in the league together. More info soon!
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Monday, November 26, 2018

Playoff Bloggy




Hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. I was plastered. Just yelling furiously at Amari Pooper reaming me over and over. It wouldn't stop. I'll be honest... I don't remember much of the Drew Brees assault on the Falcons, but 4 TDs to 4 undrafted free agents in a blowout is hilarious.

But I'm tired of Dallas. I hate Dallas. Way more than the Giants. Eli is just annoying. Zeke is legitimately unlikable because of his crop tops and alma mater. Now Amari Cooper is mocking Markelle Fultz' free throw form? Dude has played 2 games in Dallas. 2!! Dallas v Philadelphia isn't even a rivalry in any other sport. You'll get yours, Pooper.

Here's some awesome plays from Sunday.



It's mostly just me on Browns. I love the Browns. I love when a team brings back their 1-31 coach, wastes an entire offseason, then fires him just 6 games into the season. Don't you, buddy boy? I've also been informed I've been "all over Baker's nuts in the blog". That's fine. I have no problem with that. He's fun to watch. And the Browns have no coach!

Hue Jackson was on the other sideline! His ass got canned for being terrible, another team picked him up, and THEY got their ass kicked. His former players were mocking him all day. It was so Bengals.

The Bills were also home, so thankfully we need to check in on #BillsMafia



It was actually a pretty exciting game inside. Leonardo got into a fight over some over-cooked pasta ordered alla dente. Meatballs were thrown. Shaq Lawson ended up with a face full of spaghetti and gravy. He received a suspension.

And boy was it fun for Jalen Ramsey to eat his words. Who could've predicted he'd get clowned by Josh Allen?

Well... the commish. Wednesday night in an alcohol-induced lucid dream (more like a nightmare), TPG made a bold, yet well-advised decision on his QB for the upcoming week against the Pylons. He was benching Drew Brees in favor of Josh Allen. Josh Allen proceeded to drop 48 points on the Pylons in a victory. Well, turns out Josh Allen only had 27 fantasy points, but was the 4th best QB in the league this week. Only 3 off the #1 QB and former Gnome Kirk Cousins.

You've got to wonder what would've happened had TPG decided to re-up his championship QB. Would he have avoided Le'Veon? We'll never know.


And of course, some TD celebrations



The Limbo is definitely my favorite I've seen this season. Absolutely hilarious. Line dances are back!


Beef of the Week: I'm taking the week off

No beef this week. Eagles won. Hue Jackson revenge. Pylons clinch playoffs. Bills win. Won money on drunken Thanksgiving horse racing and Tiger v Phil.

We'll be back next week!


EFFL Playoffs

Going to invert the standings and go top down this week. Here's where things stand.

x - 1. Long and Thunderous (10-2) - The formula is simple. Defeat Phil, and the bye is yours. Lose to him and you'll be the #2 seed. Because you are virtually identical in points, there's the extra $100 for high season point total at stake in this game. Don't think I've ever seen a regular season game with more money on the line.

x - 2. Pork Chop Express (9-3) - The bad news: there's no longer a path to the bye. If you end up in a 3-team tiebreak at 10-3, you're too far behind in points. The good news: you're either the #2 or #3 seed. Can't be anything else.
  • Dosh win = #2
  • Phil win = #3
Your game has no bearing on your seeding whatsoever.

x - 3. Surefire Intelligence (9-3) - As indicated above, it's winner-take-all with Dosh. If you defeat him, you will win the bye either via 2-team head-to-head, or 3 team most points. Can't go wrong. Win and you'll be the #1. Lose, and it'll depend on what happens with the Pylons. Loss and Pylons loss means you're #3. Loss and Pylons win means you're #4. You cannot be the #2 seed.

x - 4. Dueling Pylons (8-4) - Can't climb higher than #3, and can't be worse than #5. Will play either EEB or Cutter in Round 1.
  • Win and Phil loss = #3
  • Win and Phil win = #4
  • Loss and Cutter loss = #4
  • Loss, EEB win and Cutter win = #4
  • Loss, EEB loss and Cutter win = #5

 x - 5. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (7-5) - Gotta feel good to clinch and put Woody on the brink. It's got to. Not much doing here. You'll be either the #5 or #6 seed. You'll play one of Lobitz/Phil/myself in Round 1, but it's setting up for Pylons. I know you haven't forgotten me yelling JUJU in your face at Best Dam. Scenarios are straightforward.
  • Win = #5
  • Loss and Cutter loss = #5
  • Loss and Cutter win = #6

 x - 6. Bo$$town Cutter (7-5) - What a win over Fusco to clinch a playoff berth. Chewed your nails down to the nub! But you're in. Similar to EEB, but you can climb to #4. You will also play one of Lobitz/Phil/myself in Round 1. Your scenarios are a bit more complicated, as you can climb to #4.
  • Loss = #6
  • Win and EEB win = #6
  • Win, EEB loss, and Pylons win = #5
  • Win, EEB loss, and Pylons loss = #4

The Final 3

The 7th and final seed is up for grabs. 3 teams are in play. The bad news (really bad news) for Woody is that BG and Gambino play each other, virtually eliminating you. Here's how it'll go down:

7. Team BG (6-6)
9. Geno 911 (5-7)

Because you play each other, the loser will be eliminated from the playoffs. If BG wins, he will grab the #7 seed. If Gambino wins, we have two scenarios:

1. Woody loses, meaning Gambino wins the 2 team head-to-head tiebreaker
2. Woody wins, creating a 3 team tiebreaker

If there is a 3 team tiebreaker, it'll go to points scored. Woody had a horrible Week 12, and Gambino has grabbed a 54 point lead. Regardless, if Gambino beats BG, BG can at best be 2nd among the 3 teams in points scored, therefore being eliminated.

8. The King's Crusaders (5-7)

The path, while difficult, is known. These 3 things MUST happen to get the #7 seed:
  • Defeat the Pylons
  • Geno 911 win over BG
  • Outscore Geno 911 by more than 54 points in Week 13
It's not impossible. It's improbable, but it's not impossible.

The #7 seed will play either Dosh or Ben in Round 1.


Eliminated
Stanky Monkeys. Mike Y. Fusco. TPG. Tatz. We are sad to see you go. 5 of the 6 past champions are in this group. Looking forward to you rooting on your favorite EFFL franchise in the playoffs.


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Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Heating Up In Week 11

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Tuesday, November 13, 2018

3 Weeks To Go


At this point, you might be asking yourself, "Why am I holding this 30-pound cinder block in my hands?" You might also ask yourself, "Why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it?" And finally, "Why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?"

For real, some questions you may be asking yourself:

1. What in the world is that pitch?!?!
That is where the Rams and Chiefs were supposed to contest one of the best games of the season next Monday night. That will no longer happen, for obvious reasons.

2. When did Cruz Azul start playing in the Azteca?
Actually this year! Their stadium was demolished, so they moved here, to this un-demolished stadium.

3. When will the NFL give up on Mexico?
Not soon enough


Week 10 was a wild one. It started Thursday night, in Atlantic City for the EFFL League meeting. Patron shots were had, grain alcohol was had, BYOB was had, and much money was lit on fire / distributed slowly. I don't remember much of the Steelers/Panthers game, but I do remember yelling in EEB's face following a Juju 75 yard TD bomb.

Here's something for you EEB:




The Bills need a home game for cryin out loud. This happened on the road!!


Something else for EEB that I expect to see at the next draft:


What else happened this weekend?
  • Sean Payton may have committed a felony by smashing a public fire alarm
  • The Browns couldddddd be decent
  • The Raiders have scored 10 points or less in 4 of their last 5 games
Just like the EFFL, the men have started to separate themselves from the boys.

Beef of the Week: The Money Team

Floyd Mayweather Jr. received not one, but 2 TD game balls... first from Tyler Lockett and then from Brandin Cooks. This guy has a gajillion dollars and smacks the crap out of women, but don't let that stop you from giving a ball to him instead of a fan in a wheelchair. 


Look at this crap. The dude is wearing a fucking Gucci wallet and chaps, pulls in two game balls. THIS MAN DOES NOT NEED GAME BALLS! He needs to be prevented from being so close to women and children. I used to love Floyd. I'll probably be back. $400 on McGregor is not happening again.


EFFL Playoffs

Onto the good stuff. With just 3 weeks left, here's all we know: Dosh is in, and Fusco is out. 8 is the magic number at this point. 8 wins will lock you into a playoff spot. 8 losses will knock you out of the playoffs. You must finish at least 6-7 to get in, and that could very well move.

x - 14. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-8) - Had a good week! Just wasn't your year this year. This team has spiraled, getting worse each year since the 3-Peat. 2nd season in a row missing the playoffs. Has become the joke of the league.

13. The Old Ball Sack (3-7) - On the brink of elimination. It'll be an honor to drive the nail into the coffin. It does seem strange to see Mike Y this low, but based on history, alternates playoff years. Next year should be back.

12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7) - Was able to stave off elimination again, taking down BG by 2. TPG now on a W2, and finally the weight off Le'Veon has been lifted. This team is now balling free. Or free balling. Whichever you prefer. Critical matchup with EEB to keep this thing rollin.

11. Team Bartholomew (3-7) - Snakebitten all year. Got pounded by the Stanky Monkeys, and really just can't catch a break this year. BG, Lobitz, and EEB is not the easiest finish. Must win them all.

10. Stanky Monkeys (4-6) - Finally on a nice little run. Gone over 150 in 2 of the past 3 weeks and still in decent shape. Finish with TPG, and he loves playing spoiler. I think your team has a decent shot, but you have a huge game with Gambino next week. The loser of that may be out.

9. Geno 911 (4-6) - Pretty much the same as Lou. In the mix, only a game back. Other than the week your entire team was on a bye, this team has been solid all season. 6th in points and certainly can hang with the big boys. If you win 3, you should get in.

8. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (5-5) - Of course Leonardo was finally back and let me have it. Would miss out if the playoffs started today by virtue of points. But still a matchup with Woody remaining, so you control your own destiny. That's a huge matchup next week. You are 2nd to last in points scored, so your luck has been in.

7. The King's Crusaders (5-5) - I don't know. Can't seem to turn the corner. Having TITTY drop 177 on you can't feel good. The remaining schedule is tough. Dosh, EEB, Pylons. Point total is pretty good, so if you do end up in a 3-way tie, you're likely OK. Work to be done.

6. Team BG (6-4) - Feel like this happens every year. Starts off on fire, and then can't catch a break down the stretch. TPG just edged you. It was exactly like the Big 6. This money yours? Nope. This yours? Nope. Who bet on the $1?!?!? That was Amari Cooper sneaking in to get your money. Surprisingly the only team in the league to make the playoffs each of the last two seasons.

5. Bo$$town Cutter (6-4) - Still doing OK! Knocking off Mike Y is always fun, and one more win may do it. That Austin Hooper / Eric Ebron combo is taking the league by storm. 

4. Surefire Intelligence (7-3) - It is a bit weird to see this team in 4th, but both teams tied with you now own the head-to-head tiebreaker. This team looked invincible at the start of the season, but it's been a full month since this team scored more than 125 points. Fully expected to turn it around, but could be losing ground for the bye.

3. Dueling Pylons (7-3) - Call it 5 straight for the Pylons. Wasn't pretty, but it's awful encouraging to score 118 when the 2 Pats RBs combine for 10 points. Owns tiebreakers over Phil and Dosh, so the bye is not out of reach by any means.

2. Pork Chop Express (7-3) - By owning head-to-head tiebreaker over Phil and myself, wind up in 2nd place. Lost to Dosh, and well behind in points, so it may be a bit tough to get the bye. Still looking good to make the playoffs. Make sure to mind that Full Chubb.

1. Long and Thunderous (8-2) - What is Long and Thunderous? Dare I ask? Does a championship caliber team let their 5 game win streak get snapped by Gambino? I don't think so. Still in the pole position for the bye, but there are a couple teams behind you that could wind up passing you if you slip up again. That $150 high point total is within reach.


I'm anticipating some more movement in Week 11. Teams may be eliminated. Teams may punch their ticket to the EFFL dance. It's going to be intense. Can't wait!
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Wednesday, November 7, 2018

He's Heating Up!!



Rex Ryan has a case of the runs




It was a pretty intense Week 9. Confirmed: Vance Joseph is a dumb fuck:




The NFL finally got the scheduling right. They clearly segmented the games - 

Games People Do Not Want to Watch
49ers v Raiders
Bears v Bills
Jets v Dolphins
Texans v Broncos
Titans v Cowboys
Bucs v Panthers
Falcons v Redskins

Games People Want to Watch
Chiefs v Browns
Lions v Vikings
Steelers v Ravens
Chargers v Seahawks
Rams v Saints
Packers v Patriots

Colts, Bengals, Giants, Cardinals, Jaguars on the bye. Wish it could be like that every week. You can totally ignore half of the games.


Do Mitch's pregame outfits have Cam beat? His arrival to the stadiums keep getting better and better.

The Annual League Meeting will take place Thursday, November 8th in Atlantic City, where the executive committee will determine how to deal with this past week's violation.

At the insistence of a league member, TPG "put a baby in Mike Y". The following text conversation was scraped from the internet as Drew Brees unloaded on the Rams:

Member A: I'm about to nut in Mike Y
Member B: Put a baby in him, son.
Member A: Write the check before the baby comes, who the fuck cares
Member A: Have a baby by me, baby be a millionaire

Other comments from league members this past Sunday:

Member C: Dosh at 8-1. Fuck him, man
Member C: I'm never going to a draft again
Member C: He's gonna have it in Guatemala City by himself anyway.

The league is out of control. Everyone. I mean, EVERYONE is absolutely FURIOUS that Dosh is in first place. It's like the Playa Haters Ball in here. The only thing I wish is that someone had the rant he went on when he saw that Julio and Joe Mixon were his first two draft picks.

I think it's going to come down to the wire this year.


I need EFFL members performing this celebration at the draft.


Beef of the Week: Troy Aikman / Cowboys commentators


Look at this. Imagine being such an uptight dipshit, that you're complaining when this happens. DOESN'T RESPECT THE GAME. GET OFF MY LAWN. He doesn't understand when people have different opinions than his own. We have to protect freedom from the invaders, but we can't just have people pulling cell phones out of goalposts and exercising freedoms! Hypocrite.

Troy went off on Michael Thomas after he teabagged the undefeated Rams for a 70 yard TD to go over 200 yards for the day and set a Saints franchise record for receiving yards in a game. He threw it back to Joe Horn, who pulled the flip phone out from the goal post. Not only that, he even went to the oxygen mask on the sideline, not because he needed it, but because Joe Horn did it too. Joe Horn is the man.

Asked where he got the flip phone, Michael Thomas responded: Liquor Store. I'm a fan for life. @cantguardmike

But it's not just exclusive to Aikman. Why are so many former Cowboys now commentators? Aikman, Romo, Witten. Why are these guys in the booth? Witten is BRUTAL. He can't form sentences. He can't be neutral. He's referring to a team as "We". He was upset because a Titans player celebrated on the star and he hasn't been in the league for at least 5 years (direct quote). Just stop. I have no idea how he got the ESPN job, but it's a problem.


Power Rankings

This is going to be the last power rankings of the season. Will shift into playoff mode starting next week. Trade deadline is the day before Thanksgiving.

14. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-8) - Just didn't happen this year. Perhaps you'll get your football Sundays back soon. It was your choice to keep fathering children.

13. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-7) - Crazy that this team could have been so good. Always seems to struggle to find the complementary pieces. Not officially done yet, but getting close. Glad you got to pound Mike Y.

12. Stanky Monkeys (3-6) - Still near the bottom in points. Keeps taking L's. Huge matchup with Tatz this week. Loser is likely out.

11. Geno 911 (3-6) - I know your entire team was on a bye, but 57 points is unacceptable. Still around the middle in points, but playoff hopes fading quickly.

10. ITSA ME (5-4) - Third fewest points. 5-4. I don't get it. I'm sure you'll come back and beat me this week with Leonardo. Your team is clearly inferior to the likes of Tatz and Gambino, but luck has been on your side.

9. Bo$$town Cutter (5-4) - I totally forgot about this team. I'll be honest. I don't know what's happening here. I think this team could fade down the stretch.

8. The Old Ball Sack (3-6) - Not used to seeing Mike Y down this low. In some serious trouble at 3-6. If you can't knock off Cutter, it's looking like 6-7 won't be enough this year. May need to win out to get in.

7. Pork Chop Express (6-3) - Yet another team where the curtain doesn't match the drapes. Hopkins is the man. Rest of the team is just fair. Pulling out a 25 from the Dolphins defense and your opponent scoring 57 points always helps.

6. Team Bartholomew (3-6) - I still think your team is pretty solid. Wins just haven't been there. Evans, Tarik, and Kerryon combined for less than 10 points. #FeelsBadMan. Basically an elimination game with Sweet Lou.

5. The King's Crusaders (5-4) - Classic. Hanging in there. Biding his time. In 4 of 5 wins, the opponent has scored 104, 86, 106, 86. Kareem Hunt has been super hot, but who else gets it done? No way you can rely on Josh Gordon.

4. Team BG (6-3) - Had EEB on the ropes and couldn't finish him off. That's unfortunate. Had a lot of beef with Tevin Coleman and Mark Ingram couldn't clap back. Get to welcome TPG in Week 10.

3. Dueling Pylons (6-3) - Pylons are hot. On a W4. Winners of 5 of 6. Up to 2nd in points. Absolutely zero depth, but the Pylons seem to have found a winning combination. Also has beaten teams #1 and #2 (who only have 3 losses combined). Everything still in play.

2. Surefire Intelligence (7-2) - I miss Tiny Hands. Fallen to 3rd in points. Has only cracked 125 once in the past 5 weeks. I'm not overly concerned, but this team has definitely slowed down over the last couple weeks. Still think #2 is right.

1. Long and Thunderous (8-1) - Nobody is hotter right now. Went over 150 for the 3rd time in 4 weeks with some main players on the bye. The showdown in Week 13 with Phil looms. A lot could be on the line in that matchup.


As I indicated, we'll convert to the playoff view next week with just 3 weeks remaining. Huge games this week. I really don't think a 6-7 team gets in this year. I also think a 7-6 team is going to miss out,, but we'll see. Going to come down to the last week, as always. Enjoy Week 10!
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