Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Week 3 Banger




No headline picture this week. Just a guy running full speed into a fucking wall! What an idiot! Ohhhh I'm hang gliding, honey take a good picture!! OH I'M DEAD!!

We need to analyze this video here. I showed this to TPG. I was told that the wall was really close. That wall is at least 5-10 yards past the back of the end zone. You should not be running anywhere near full speed at that point. Slow down! Went headfirst right into the wall and donated his brain to the DeSean Jackson Foundation.

This was also a Touchdown:


I was a very sad boy (despite currently drinking a 32 oz beer to blog) to see FitzMagic fade. You gotta believe in magic!



Also, I do have a personal request from TPG. I need to find a way to post the audio here:

Leonardo Fournetti Week 3 Injury Report

"Hey everybody, ITSA ME, Leonardo Fournetti. Sorry to tell you, but my hamstring is still feeling like a little bit of fettuccine, so will not be able to play today against a Tennessee. Best wishes. Ciao Bella."

Anyway, here's a great video from Barry McCockiner


And another featuring Jordan Reed



I have to be honest. I'm excited about all of these new QBs. We've got the Bake Show:


We've got Josh Allen doing things. He's tall.


We've got Chosen Rosen 🔯🔯, the usurper of Sammy Sleeves


Maybe not Rosen yet lol. And then there's sad Lamar Jackson.


Beef of the Week: Roughing the passer flags

I know, I know. This isn't exactly fresh, high quality beef. But I want to now look at this from a different angle. The league indicated they were doing this. They had to protect the Quarterback. Now, because Clay Matthews is flagged twice in two weeks,  JJ Watt is up in arms and the "competition committee is going to meet". A guy on the Dolphins blew out his knee trying to avoid a roughing the passer flag.

COME ON!! You made the rule. Stick to the fucking rule. You can't revert and change and make adjustments in the middle of the season. You can't!! How can you turn around to the Packers and say "you know that flag we called on you Week 2? Not a penalty two weeks later." Can't do it, folks. Very unfair. Unless you are willing to adjust the standings and award the Packers a win and give the Vikings a loss for that game, you can't do it. In the offseason, you can wipe the stupidity. But you made this bed, NFL. You have to sleep in it.

Should be great for players and coaches bitching the entire season.


EFFL Power Rankings

Fucking Dosh!!! This man was drunk as shit and is clowning the entire league. The Pylons will put an end to that quickly. There's no logic to this season. If you have players on the Chiefs, Steelers, Saints, Falcons, or Bucs, you win. If you don't, you don't.

I thought about declaring this season null and void, but...

14. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-3) - Last week: 12 - Winless. The lowest scoring team in the league. You made a huge mistake... You used my list. I clearly have no clue what I'm doing, and to rely on a DUPY custom cheat sheet? You earned this spot.

13. Stanky Monkeys (1-2) - Last week: 14 - WHAT IS THIS?!?!? What is "The Monkeys"? This is not allowed. An original EFFL franchise with a half-hearted name change in Season 14 does not fly. Nice job taking down Phil. Team is starting to come into form. If you can get to 2-2, I think you'll rise quickly.

12. Geno 911 (0-3) - Last week: 11 - Got a bit of a raw deal with points. You're right around the middle of the pack, but just can't seem to get a win. You've got a lot of players on really bad teams, which hurts. You should find a way to get Eifert from King and change your team name to "It Ertz when Eifert".

11. Bo$$town Cutter (1-2) - Last week: 14 - Who would've thought Jordy Nelson and Geronimo Allison were the keys to success? I can't imagine that ever happening again, but I've been wrong before. I'm kinda surprised Kenyan Drake is so bad.

10. ITSA ME!! LEONARDO FOURNETTI!! (2-1) - Last week: 7 - Second to last in points scored despite being 2-1. Juju is probably your best player. Your team is offensive without Leonardo. He's your catalyst.  We'll see a him soon.

9. Dueling Pylons (1-2) - Last week: 9 - Was an easy target, and no match, for BG. This team is in a weird spot and constantly leaves tons of points on the bench. Caught the EEB syndrome. This team has exactly what I always hate... inconsistency. Will go off when week and be flat the next.

8. The King's Crusaders (1-2) - Last week: 10 - The Lions are not a good team. I think your team has potential, but I can see the problems putting it together week to week. Kareem Hunt has to be considered a disappointment at this point.

7. The Old Ball Sack (2-1) - Last week: 8 - Deshaun Watson showed up. Your team did pretty well, I feel, and you still didn't crack 120. That's a problem. I think once you start playing some of the top teams you may slip up. Win your home games and pick up a couple points on the road, and you should be able to get in.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-2) - Last week: 6 - Not ready to move you up yet, but it's gotta feel good to get a win. Going to 0-3 is dangerous territory. Brees and Kamara have been outrageous thus far. It does appear Amari Cooper is a scrub. Looking forward to you playing Gambino.

5. Pork Chop Express (2-1) - Last week: 3 - Protested losing with the 7th highest score last week by faking a terrible lineup. No word if the same will happen this week following a win with the 3rd lowest point total. Saved by Ryan Tannehill. Good news is this is probably about as bad as I can see your team faring. Gotta wonder if teams have Gronk's number.

4. Team Bartholomew (2-1) - Last week: 4 - Caught an L from D-WEEZE. Mike Evans has been huge, and I don't see him slowing down. You should stay near the top but Bilal Powell gives me the shivers.

3. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (2-1) - Last week: 1 - Didn't anticipate moving you from the top spot, but you did start Will Dissly and Randall Cobb. That's not #1 material. Really surprised you left Gio Bernard on the bench.

2. Cash Me Out Wide (3-0) - Last week: 5 - Can't do it. Won't do it.

1. Team BG (3-0) - Last week: 2 - "The team I thought was good is 0-3, and the team I thought was bad is 3-0." Funny how that works. Two of your players, Adam Thielen and Michael Thomas, are on pace to break the NFL single season reception record. Clearly I erred in letting Thielen walk. Calvin Ridley ripped me wide open. That was harsh.


Week 4 Matchups

TPG v Geno 911 - Battle of the Habañero
Team BG v The Old Ball Sack
Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets v Itsa Me! Leonardo Fournetti
Stanky Monkeys v Bo$$town Cutter - Huge Matchup here
Dueling Pylons v Cash Me Out Wide - Can't wait for the texts
Pork Chop Express v Tweeting in the Trenches
Team Bartholomew v The King's Crusaders


Will see you all on the blog next week!
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Monday, September 17, 2018

The 2nd Week


Man that was a wild Week 2! A guy retired at halftime! Of course he played for the Bills. Walked in at half, down 28-6, and just said fuck this. No more football for me, for life. That's ballsy. It's so unfortunate because it was the season debut for #BillsMafia. Controversy swirled around this game, as it was reported that table smashers would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. So, this happened:




It's Josh Allen shirsey season, baby. Goes perfect with flip flops and jorts. Mike Y knows what I'm talkin about. 


No rules if you don't break the table, I guess. It's only Week 1. Once it gets cold, people will drink more to stay warm. It'll be wonderful.

Anyway, the story of the week is the Bucs. In particular, star quarterback Ryan FitzMAGIC. If you have not yet seen this, you must.


I don't even care that the Eagles lost. DeSean is shirtless. I'm about to throw $400 down on Fitzpatrick against Mayweather just cause he's dripping with swag. Look at what being on the Jets does to you.



Next year at the draft, I need Tatz and BG rubbing beards.

Cam Newton dressed like a grandma in a nightgown this week and therefore will not be featured in this space. Post-game outfits are the new Coach Janky Spanky. You better come out dressed to impress. And I'm absolutely impressed.

Cam Newton was also decapitated:


Fitzpatrick has been incredible. Over 400 yards two weeks in a row. 4 TDs two weeks in a row. First time in NFL history that's happened in the first two weeks of a season.

Speaking of firsts, I just have to share this:


Ignore the Eric Ebron talk. He's on our terrible dynasty team. It was quite the day for Ben. Not only did he almost lose everything he owns betting against Laquon Treadwell, he also had Vikings -1.5. 

This happened in the 2nd quarter:

4-5-GB 30
(1:42) 7-D.Carlson 48 yard field goal is No Good, Wide Right, Center-47-K.McDermott, Holder-6-M.Wile.

This happened in Overtime:

4-9-GB 31
(7:36) 7-D.Carlson 49 yard field goal is No Good, Wide Right, Center-47-K.McDermott, Holder-6-M.Wile.

Then this happened in Overtime:

1-10-GB 17
(:04) 7-D.Carlson 35 yard field goal is No Good, Wide Right, Center-47-K.McDermott, Holder-6-M.Wile.

The laces were in! THEY WERE IN!!!! Of course we started said Vikings special teams in that dynasty league. 3 missed kicks and a punt blocked and returned for a touchdown. They finished with -9 points on the day. I've never seen a worse performance in my 30 years playing fantasy football.


The kicker was promptly cut on Monday. This exchange occurred:

Reporter: What was the thinking on letting Daniel Carlson go?
Mike Zimmer: Did you see the game?
Reporter: Was it easy?
Zimmer: It was pretty easy.

Lobitz also had this hot take: "Texans -3 is either the easiest bet in the history of the world or the biggest sucker bet ever". The Texans lost.

Catch of the year. Make sure volume is up for Nantz. Make sure volume is down for Romo.



Beef of the Week: New Penalties

This is going to be quite a rant. I get it. The whole goal is to make the game safer. But the league has gone about it the wrong way. You cannot play defense. Illegal contact, pass interference, lowering the head to initiate contact, putting your body weight on a QB. There are so many things you can't do. But this is a facade. The league wants points. How do you get more points? Keep dries alive. How do you keep drives alive? Call more defensive penalties.

Teams know this. They're not stupid. The NFL has essentially become an online game of Madden. You could run the ball, but you know that it's just way more efficient to throw the ball on every play. RIP: Running the football (1920-2018). Lived almost 100 years. Ben Roethlisberger threw the ball 60 times on Sunday. Juju and Antonio Brown combined for 36 targets. In one game. 2 players.

Not a single team has run the ball more on first down than they've thrown it. Not one. 21 of the 32 teams are over 65% passing on first down. There's no reason to run the football whatsoever. QB ratings and points are through the roof. I handicapped the season at 56% pass. I was way low. We're over 60%. 

The driving the QB into the ground is the one that really grinds my gears. People get hurt in football. It's a violent, collision sport. But I think it's so hypocritical that this only applies to QBs. You can plant any other guy, but the QB is special. It's bad for the league when QBs are injured, and you can expect 400 yard passing games over and over this season. You're going to have all kinds of NFL records set. Get ready.


Power Rankings

14. Bo$$town Cutter (0-2) - Last week: 14 - Things have not gone well. You have a ton of players on very bad teams, which doesn't help. Need to find something to jumpstart this squad quick.

13. Stanky Monkeys (0-2) - Last week: 13 - Freeman injury came out of nowhere, and that's another problem. This team is reeling. Even the kicker got hurt. Wentz is back. Edelman is almost back. This team needs a win or two to bridge the gap until healthy.

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-2) - Last week: 11 - Dalvin Cook doesn't look fully healthy yet. The Giants suck. I'm a bit encouraged by week 2, but still concerned. I feel better about your team than the two below you.

11. Geno 911 (0-2)  - Last week: 8 - Predictable slide despite putting up 139. That might be your highest point total ever. I actually think your team is OK, but I'm not fully sold yet. You should watch Dead Poets Society weekly for inspiration.

10. The King's Crusaders (1-1) - Last week: 12 - Real nice week 2. The Lions are throwing the ball on 79% of plays. I can't see that continuing. I think you're due for regression. Maybe Josh Gordon is your lottery ticket.

9. Dueling Pylons (1-1) - Last week: 7 - Can't figure out who to start. Gurley is an absolute stud. Had this team drafted Bell, it could've been much worse. This team struggles because nobody gets more than 5 yards per catch.

8. The Old Ball Sack (1-1) - Last week: 4 - This team is honestly a disaster waiting to happen. Roster is filled with guys who will have one good week then disappear. I wouldn't be surprised to see this team drop. Deshaun Watson also is not fully healthy.

7. ITSA ME!! LEONARDO FOURNETTI (2-0) - Last week: 9 - How are you 2-0? Started Ryan Grant. I bet half the league couldn't name the team he's on. Your team will be better once Fournetti is back in the cut.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-2) - Last week: 4 - Hate to see it. Super Bowl hangover? TPG is struggling a bit right now, understandably. If Bell shows up, it's a different story, but you never know. Saints are killing it tho.

5. Cash Me Out Wide (2-0) - Last week: 10 - Stop beefing over your ranking. James Conner could be huge. Still can't help yourself with Funchess and Kelvin Benjamin. But Julio is the man.

4. Team Bartholomew (2-0) - Last week: 6 - Slowly climbing, and I almost had you higher. Don't hate me for questioning your depth! If your QB throws 60 times a game, that's a different story. Mike Evans could end up being a huge steal.

3. Pork Chop Express (1-1) - Last week: 2 - Right in the thick of things. I'm a bit concerned teams have figured out Gronk. The Jaguars have. Royce Freeman sucks. (Hooray!). Diggs and Hopkins are awesome.

2. Team BG (2-0) - Last week: 5 - Not to be outdone, Thielen and Michael Thomas are awesome. Mark Ingram is waiting in the wings. Calvin Ridley showing signs of life. I'm very encouraged. As always, RB is a concern, but usually it can be overcome.

1. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (2-0) - Last week: 1 - Dominating. I thought Woody's Hunt/Hill Chiefs combo was awesome last year but Mahomes/Hill may be even better. He likely can't keep the pace up, but it's been fun to watch. Add Zeke, Davante Adams, now Will Fuller if healthy, Scary team. Clearly the team to beat.


Good luck to everyone in Week 3. Avoiding major injuries (other than Mike Wallace breaking his leg), points, Manning face, the Notorious F-I-T-Z. Week 2 had it all.
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Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Week 1. We Back.


OK. Whose decision was it to have the Bills start on the road? That is unacceptable and puts a real damper on the blog. Who do we have to make a fool of themselves in their absence? The Lions? Please.

Marcus Peters did this:




A celebration made famous by this guy:


In case you missed it, yes that is Marshawn Lynch. He's being made into a meme all over the internet. You v. the guy she told you not to worry about.

Cam Newton wore this:


He then proceeded to whoop Allen Hurns and the Cowboys ass. Isn't it great when the Cowboys are terrible? I used to hate Jason Garrett for being terrible, but now I really love him for being terrible. He and Jerruh are cut from the same cloth, so you know he's going nowhere. Hasn't won shit yet he'll keep his job. He's like Marvin Lewis. Year after year with zero playoff wins. Going to be quite the dumpster fire this year.

Heads up to TPG for this stat: The Browns (who tied!) are off to their best start since 2004 at 0-0-1. It was hilarious. TUH-rod was terrible. Scott Hansen made a point of saying it exactly that way. But I like this stat even better:

Teams with a turnover differential of +5 or more are 132-4-1 all-time. The Browns own 2 of the 4 losses, and the tie. They're a joke. Look at this:


Yes, that's Dosh's own James Conner going off. In unrelated news, Le'Veon Bell was cited for doing 110 in a 45 crossing the Pennsylvania/Ohio border. TPG cannot be feeling good about this.

Fucking Andrew Luck is BACK:



On to the BOTW:

Beef of the Week: The RPO

In the least surprising BOTW of all time, the RPO has been beaten to death in the first broadcast of the season. OK, we get it. The run-pass option is a great play where the quarterback fakes a handoff and throws it, or hands it off to the running back. He chooses! It's up to him!

It's fucking play action with a gimmick. RPO is being shoved down our fucking throats. I don't want this shit. I want Andy Reid's push passes. I want McVay's jet sweeps. I want the ANDY REID DIAMOND FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD. This is glorious: https://ftw.usatoday.com/2018/09/nfl-chiefs-offense-rpo-andy-reid-chargers-tyreek-hill

The NFL is a bunch of dusty old guys who love something that's been outdated for at least a full year. They have graphics showing the concept and how many times a team has run it. Everybody is doing it, man. Move on. Find a new slant.

But they won't. You'll hear about this shit all season. Your dad will try to sound cool "hey man, I love all those RPOs they've been running". It's dead. And it'll drive you, and I, crazy for way too long.


Power Rankings

 In one of the weirdest anomalies ever, the top 7 scoring teams all won in Week 1. Amazing.

 14. Bo$$town Cutter - I don't like your team. The Bills are pitiful and McCoy is over 30. Not a good combo. DJ is also on a terrible team.

13. Stanky Monkeys - My concerns proved true. I'm sure you'll smoke me this week. Odell is a beast. You'll need him. Good thing he's on the Giants.

12. The King's Crusaders - This team likely looks better on paper than it is. Stafford is horrific. AJ Green is a fumbling machine. Josh Gordon ain't got it. Kareem Hunt's too slow. Tyler Eifert can't stay healthy. Brandin Cooks is too small. Golden Tate III is the 3rd best Golden Tate. Kelvin Benjamin isn't in the league. Alfred Morris isn't in the league. IT'S THE WHOLE TEAM.

11. Tweeting in the Trenches - Holy testicle Tuesday. A whole 74 points. Your team is Giants and white guys. It's not a good combo. I don't have a good feeling about this. That said, Kenny Golladay could be nice.

10. Cash Me Out Wide - I'm not buying the big week, but this team could be better than we thought. Jets D, James Conner, and Adrian Peterson combining for 80 points is an absolute miracle. But you never know. You always do the best on the waiver wire.

9. ITSA ME!!! LEONARDO FOURNETTI - Of course Fournetti goes down Week 1. Of course. We can't have nice things. It's not that your team is bad per se. It's the injuries. I think you could struggle for a bit. Holding off Cutty was big.

8. Geno 911 - Nahhhhh. I don't want to actually admit I think this team has a shot to make the playoffs. Loaded up on secondary Saints receivers, and that could pay off. Kirk Cousins is an EFFL champion.

7. Dueling Pylons - 2nd and 3rd round picks down with knee injuries in Week 1. Hooray! This team also has to get to work on the wire, but there are some other pieces here.

6. Team Bartholomew - Mike Evans could end up being a steal. I'm encouraged, but am still concerned about the depth. Would benefit from finding a hidden gem.

5. Team BG - Losing Greg Olsen sucks. But you do have Mark Ingram waiting. Starting off even 2-2 isn't terrible. You've got a pretty good team. Excited to see if this is the year.

4. The Old Ball Sack - No matter how good Chris Godwin is, never forget that he shit himself in a game last year. Easily the most unlikable team in the league. I'll say it every week.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes - Mostly due to Le'Veon uncertainty. He's gotta come back. Otherwise this team is more pedestrian. Saints duo is killing it. Rest of the roster completely shit the bed. Could Frank Gore be back in the mix yet again?

2. Pork Chop Express - It's easy to forget how freaking good Gronk is. There's nobody on his level whatsoever. Of course Rivers explodes for 400+ yards and 3 TDs in a loss against me. Looking good, tho.

1. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets - Loaded up on Chiefs and Packers, and that seems to be a good idea. Mahomes to Hill may end up being an unbelievable combo. Plus your boys Zeke and Crabtree. I think you've been underestimated in the EFFL and think you'll be back near the top again.


That's it for Week 1. Hope you all enjoy the blog. I'll be out at a bar in NYC this Sunday so I should have many more drunk comments. Plus #BillsMafia is back. I can't wait for the videos.
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Sunday, August 26, 2018

EFFL Season 14 - What a Draft



Where to start?!?!? First, thank you to everyone for coming to the draft. It was a fantastic time as usual. Food was great. We drank out of giant steins. And no, I am not going to post the photos which were sent to the entire league by one unnamed league member.

Speaking of the unnamed league member, we must specifically call out the legendary performance by Dosh Willie Whye. @beerologist23 was on a mission. Showed up at Monk's Cafe to exchange beer with a random person from the internet. He then consumed at least 100 oz of beer before 4 PM, highlighted by a $60 bottle that is illegal in most states. After being initially told there were none in the place, Mr. Whye sweet-talked the owner with his knowledge of rare Belgian beers. A bottle was brought out under lock and key in order to avoid alerting other guests to the existence of this beer.

To be fair, this is the #1 rated international beer on Beer Advocate: https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/388/5281/

Following this excursion, he missed the lottery and slept through the first two rounds of the draft. The Whye brothers, Dosh and Mike, were apart, and Mike frantically called hotel security, demanding they investigate room 302 to wake his missing brother. Until Dosh arrived, well after the clearly posted draft time, Julio and Joe Mixon were selected for him by EEB. Once learning this information, all hell broke loose. JULIO!?!?!?!?!? JULIO?!?!?!?!?

Additionally, after burning both keepers, Dosh continued to call for keepers. He called for players that were keeper eligible. He tried to keep Emmanuel Sanders despite never having him on his team at any point last season (records have confirmed). In fact, Dosh has never had Emmanuel Sanders on his roster in ANY season. And all of this preceded an inevitable night out at multiple clubs, which for some reason, there is photo evidence of.

All in all, an absolutely Hall of Fame worthy performance.

The Lottery

Despite other options, it seems the lottery has gravitated towards the envelopes. TPG raised the game to a new level this year, throwing two habaneros into the mix. Naturally, after specifically stopping to ensure the presence of the lottery habanero, he ended up with one. You and Gambino did a fantastic job taking those down.

Additionally, you may have noticed that the league schedule was updated a couple weeks ago. For the first time in a few years, you will not have the exact same matchups in the same weeks as in prior years. Thought it would be fun to mix it up a bit.


The Results

I know this is what you are all here for. The initial power rankings, as well as AY!!! ITSA ME!!! Leonardo Fournetti! From now on, he is an old Italian man that sounds like Super Mario. And Matt must do the voice upon request.

Doing something a bit different for the initial power rankings this year. I imported the draft results into Fantasypros.com league analyzer. I then used the top 50 most accurate progrnosticators in order to produce these results. This is a mathematical calculation. Additionally, I will add comments from the site itself in additional to my usual bashing. Without further ado:


14. Cash Me Out Wide

It's not a surprise to see Dosh start off in the cellar. At least he didn't pick 3 QBs in a row this year. Mike Williams is your #3 WR. You love big, slow receivers. Maybe you get something from the 2 Redskins you took, but that's far from a lock. I think you have a lot of work to do, but hanging onto Kelce is big. He was great for you last year.

What the Experts Say : This team may struggle for depth at both RB and WR. Julio Jones and Joe Mixon should be strong performers for your team, but every pick after that appears to be selections of an unprepared, and possibly intoxicated, owner.


13. Bo$$town Cutter

After drafting 20 players in last year's draft, you switched things up and only selected 14 this year. Your RB stable is solid, but the rest of the team could be problematic. Luckily you were able to hang on to Emmanuel Sanders despite pleas to keep him. You have both secondary receivers in Oakland, so it's likely somebody will help you out. If Alex Smith performs remotely close to last season, you'll probably be OK.

What the Experts Say : You have the worst TE, worst WR corps, and 2nd worst starting QB in the league. If you do not stay active, you will miss the playoffs for the 4th straight season. You also drafted a Bills kicker, which violates rule #1 of Fantasy Football.


12. Stanky Monkeys

I actually think your team could eventually be pretty decent. With Wentz and Edelman back, plus Dez if he signs and a possibly revitalized Sammy Watkins, you could be a really tough team as the season wears on. I just have concerns about what's going to happen before all of those things happen. You have a lot of players in the same situation, and I'm afraid you may end up in a huge hole. I think your team is better than #12 for sure.

What the Experts Say : Your strongest position is kicker. If Carson Wentz isn't back early in the season, you may struggle at QB. You'd likely be competitive in a 24 team league.


11. The King's Crusaders

Blasphemy! The King had the #1 team in the power rankings all last year, and came up just shy in the championship. Thankfully, you won't have to watch any teams other than the Lions and Bengals. Cooks and Gordon are two wild cards. It could be really bad or really good. When the dust settles, I'm sure you'll end up in the playoffs, but if for some reason Kareem Hunt doesn't pan out, your RB situation could be questionable.

What the Experts Say : If you had this team in 2017, you would not have been very successful. Tyler Eifert is probably already injured. We wouldn't be surprised if half of this team is sitting on the waiver wire by Week 6.


10. Team BG

We'll see how the strategy plays out this year. Clearly elite at WR, but the QB/RB positions could be problematic. If Mariota and Ajayi come through, you're a playoff team for sure. Once Ingram is back from suspension you'll also be in much better shape. I'm honestly surprised the math doesn't like this team more, because this is a good team.

What the Experts Say : Good mix of old and new. You waited a really, really long time to take a QB. Stay active on the waiver wire and your league entry fee won't be a sunk cost.


9. A Lot O'Tatz

AY!!! ITSA ME!!! Leonardo Fournetti! Drafted a defense in the 8th round. Then drafted another defense in the 10th round. Why? Also, despite everyone sharing information that Marqise Lee had his knee blown out Saturday night, you selected him in the 11th round anyway. You have very few players that can say they're the #1 option on their team. If I were doing the ranking, you'd be behind BG for sure.

What the Experts Say : It appears you wanted to corner the market on Team Defenses. You succeeded in that task. While your team does look decent, you are not a boss, cause your cheese is average.


8. Pork Chop Express

Never seen anything like it. Drafted 8 rookies. You couldn't stop. Only one player on your bench scored any points in the NFL last year. If it were a dynasty league, the site actually ranked your team #1. Hopkins, Diggs, Robinson, Gronk is really good, and if you get even a little production from some rookies, you'll be in the playoffs for sure. I think you may even contend.

What the Experts Say : It seems you may have ruffled some feathers with the selection of Royce Freeman. Stabbing a dynasty co-owner in the back will not be forgotten.


7. Phil

I don't understand your team name. Maybe go with "Zeke and Reek" But your team looks good. Solid WRs as well. Hill, Adams, and Zeke is a very strong core. I think things went a bit downhill after that, but that's just me. I'm looking forward to your trash talk.

What the Experts Say : Are you aware that there are positions other than WR? It seems you struggled to stop yourself from drafting even more. We love Ronald Jones' grillz.


6. Geno 911

Any time this team is in the top half, you know it's not reliable. Perhaps the pepper invigorated your draft. You're clearly trying to get some of TPG's luck. Joining him in that, drafting his championship QB. It's a wise strategy. Lamar Miller, Pierre Garcon, Zach Ertz. Such a Gambino team. You do need Alshon to come back though, and who knows when that will happen? I think your team is more solid than usual.

What the Experts Say : Not terrible anywhere, but not great anywhere. Using a first round pick on a rookie is very risky. You're paying for a best-case scenario, which usually means you miss the playoffs like every year.


5. Tweeting in the Trenches

The Cook/McCaffrey picks 1/2 were smart. I think everybody likes both of those guys. Russell Wilson was the #1 QB last year. And then you've got a bunch of Giants and Patriots. Your team is gonna be tough. Depth looks terrible, but if your guys stay healthy, it won't matter. I think you're in a pretty good spot to make the playoffs.

What the Experts Say : Your receivers stink. You have the 2nd worst #1 WR, worst #2 WR, and 2nd worst #3 WR. Based on your draft style, it seems like you've been down this road before.


4. Dueling Pylons

2 of the first 3 picks were on my team last year, and my team sucked. Rodgers better not fucking get hurt again. This team has a lot of potential, but need guys to break out. Maybe this team becomes good, but there's clearly work to be done. Finally Gurley is back where he belongs.

What the Experts Say : This team stinks. But Rodgers and Gurley will carry this muck to something respectable. Trey Burton is a God.


3. Team Bartholomew

Real strong draft from Tatz. Jimmy Graham could wind up having a huge season with the Packers. You got some decent depth on the bench, which is key. You're only missing Greggy Olsen from this classic Tatz squad. You'll love having Melvin Gordon as well. I think this team is very good, and should be in the playoffs with some smart moves during the season.

What the Experts Say : You're no worse than 7th in the league at any position. This team has the upside to win the league. It could also fall apart and be the worst in the league.


2. The Old Ball Sack

How did your team get this good? I don't even remember you drafting. I don't think your team is this good, but I could certainly be wrong. Alex Collins, JUICE, Fitz with a new QB, Jordan Reed's health. To me there are a lot of question marks before I want to rank this team so high. But Antonio Brown is a monster, and he can do a lot of great things on his own.

What the Experts Say : OOOOOHWEEEE! You must read our site. We rank all of your players so highly. 


1. Tequila Party Gnomes

Although you had to eat a habanero, starting of with Le'Veon and Alvin Kamara is huge. If Amari Cooper bounces back, you could easily have a top 10 WR as well. Bobby Woods is back. Derrick Henry is back. And although Cousins is gone, Brees may be an upgrade (I'M SORRY). This is the team to beat, for sure.

What the Experts Say : This team will score a lot of points, but concerns about uncontrollable gas could put lineup setting at risk. Stay active on Sundays.


Well that's it. All 14 teams to start with. It was an awesome draft, and looking forward to the season. 
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Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Down to 7

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Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Playoffs on the Horizon


Coming down the home stretch and it's time to start thinking about the playoffs. 4 teams have been knocked out:

  • Stanky Monkeys
  • Bo$$town Cutter
  • Dueling Pylons
  • Cash Me Out Wide (how bou daaaa)
See you in 2018. The fantasy gods were not kind to any of your teams. Let's take a look at what I said about each of your teams after the draft.

Stanky Monkeys: "I'm concerned. I think this could go south quickly." It went south quickly and never recovered. Still could send the Pylons to dead last!

Bo$$town Cutter: "Picking up an extra two picks, you should have abandoned your 15th and 16th round picks. Not only did that not happen, you continued to draft in the 17th and 18th rounds, amassing 20 players, and having to cut 4 guys just for me to enter your roster on the site. Awfully impressive." Nobody panned out. I don't know how much else to say other than that.

Dueling Pylons: "I traded away all my picks to Cutter and gave up after round 8." Also, "I was still drunk at 7 PM Sunday." I don't think anybody is surprised to see this team already eliminated.

Cash Me Out Wide:  THIS IS UNEDITED. "Where to start. You're your own worst enemy. "We're getting 2 for 1 lap dances!" at 6 PM. All you had on the brain was late night. You actually used Pic Stitch to put together a picture of a strip club ticket stub. There are 11 Yelp reviews of that place. One person was drugged, one was robbed.


At some point along the way, things went south. Eli Manning in the 5th round. Then Andrew Luck in the 6th round brought lots of laughter. Then you took ANOTHER QB in the 7th round! I've truly never seen anything like it. And that's the honest truth. In all my years of fantasy football, even with computer auto-draft, I've never seen 3 QBs in the first 7 rounds when you can only start one."

To make matters worse, you actually cut all of those guys!


This is the bottom of the EFFL, and after reading these comments before any games were even played, it's not hard to see why these teams are here. I will have nothing more to say about these sad franchises after this.

CUTTER, PLEASE DO NOT ADD ANYONE VIA FREE AGENCY AFTER THE REGULAR SEASON ENDS. HABITUAL VIOLATOR.

I will say yet again, though. Injuries suck. So many "what could have been" teams.

How bout that Crabtree / Aqib Talib brawl?!?!? Does anybody like Crabtree at all? Anybody? Look at this goon!


How many things can you count that he does wrong?
  1. Went way too hard on a block
  2. Got his chain ripped from his neck AGAIN
  3. Ends up on the bottom of a pile
  4. Gets his helmet ripped off
  5. Starts running with his mouthpiece still in
  6. Tries to punch a guy wearing a helmet
COME ON MAN.



The Eagles might just be having too much fun right now. Premature explosions, electric slides, Bodak Yellow. Somebody is getting injured. It's inevitable.

Meanwhile, just Chuck Pagano channeling Bill Murray and referencing a great movie. And a hurricane is coming! And playoffs?!?!?


I like Doug. Doug is refreshing. Guy getting his feet wet and enjoying successes. Too many bitter old men in the game like Pagano.

You know who I really miss? Johnny Football. Guy did whatever he wanted and actually was decent. Just did wayyyyyy too much coke. I'm hoping Baker Mayfield can fill in his shoes. We need some loudmouth, disrespectful guy QBing an inept franchise. Makes the game fun to watch.

I also know I missed a week. In a fit of rage, I deleted the ESPN app off of my phone (and not due to the ads or automatic playing of high volume ads at any time). I went dark. Wanted nothing to do with fantasy. Nathan Peterman throwing 5 picks against me in one half was too much to take. I knew the season was over. I knew there would be no blog. I knew that was it.

It's very sad that the Bills will never have a home playoff game because they play in the same division as the Patriots. #BillsMafia at home, in January? Sign me up. Look at this wizardry!


Oh, and shoutout to Phil for scoring possibly the lowest score in EFFL history with 42 points. That's unbelievably impressive. And you're in the mix while others are out.

Here are some fun shots from the Superdome:






Beef of the Week: This ridiculous picture above

It was my beef last week. I'm still beefin about it. What kind of sick person thinks "I'm going to get custom Saints tees in 3 different colors for my 3 boys. All of them are going to say 'Bruno Mars' on the back". What is that? Even if you like Bruno Mars, which you shouldn't, why is that what you'd put on the shirt?

Are we going to see the three Fusco children at a Giants game in the future all wearing custom tees with "Squarepants" on the back? Is this a thing? This is awful parenting. Awful awful awful. Either go to a football game or go to a Bruno Mars concert. Pick one. So fucking stupid.


EFFL Playoffs

OK, let's get into the good stuff. 3 teams have clinched: PCE, TPG and King. This means there are 7 teams in play to claim the final 4 spots. Remember the tiebreakers:
  • If one team has a head-to-head tiebreaker over all others, seed that team first.
  • Most points scored
  • Revert to #1 to keep breaking ties
Believe it or not, there are still 4 teams in play for the bye due to the tiebreaking criteria.

TPG - First crack at the bye. Beat Mike Y and it's yours.
PCE - Second shot. Needs a win or tie and a TPG loss. Anything else and you're playing in Round 1.
King - Third up. Need to win and have the two teams ahead slip up. Looking unlikely.
Old Ball Sack - Certainly in play and has tiebreakers over everyone. A win, a Pork Chop Loss, and a King loss will have you in the top spot. Amazing that you could still get the bye and still miss the playoffs.


Win and In:

Old Ball Sack - Losses to TITTY and Geno could hurt, but still in OK shape. Good point total as well. Even with a loss, would still be surprising to see you miss out.

Team Bartholomew - Was looking strong before, but now could be in some trouble with a loss. PCE is no slouch and he's looking to clinch a bye.

Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets - Still in the mix. Still clinches a playoff spot with a win. I don't know how you do it. 2nd lowest points scored. Lowest points allowed. It's actually conceivable that you still get in with a loss.

The 4 6-6 Teams

All of these teams must win or tie to get in. A loss will eliminate you.

A Lot O'Tatz - Point total is good, but you do need some help. Grudge match against Woody means you know he's gonna step his game up. Beat Tatz, TITTY and BG, which could help in a tiebreak scenario. Win and it's looking good for you.

Geno 911 - My how the tables have turned. The Pylons season is over, but the opportunity to eliminate you is awful exciting. Beat a bunch of teams you could end up tied with, so there is hope. Beat EEB, BG, and Mike Y, so also has some good tiebreakers.

Tweeting in the Trenches - Step 1: Beat BG. As is the case with many of the other teams, you've got a couple feathers in your cap: notably Mike Y, Gambino, and Tatz. Point total also isn't that great, so will need things to fall your way. If EEB, Gambino, or Phil fall, you also are in play.

Team BG - Likewise must defeat Fusco to get the ball rolling. Don't take any shit from Fusco. He might wanna push you around. He might wanna take you for granted. Don't let him. You are way behind in points and have lost to every single team in contention other than Phil, which is also a problem for tiebreakers. The good news, however, is that your path is clear. You must win. You must have 2 of EEB, Phil, and Gambino lose. That's not out of the question by any means.


As usual, it has come down to the final week in the EFFL. There are way too many scenarios to consider at this point, so let's see how this thing goes.
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Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Tha Blog is Hot



I know I haven't ripped Scott Hanson enough this year. I'm sorry. He's got at least 4 gems each week that make you think "how is this guy still on air?" This week was a great one. Bears player fumbles at the goal line and John Fox challenges the runner got into the end zone. Turns out, he screwed himself and it resulted in a turnover.

Hanson, meanwhile, was not having any of it. Commenting on the challenge, your on-air host quips "this is becoming one of the most IRRITATING plays in all of football. It seems we have one of these plays every week." The dude fumbled before reaching the goal line. The ball came out of his hands and hit the pylon. Clear touchback. How is that irritating.

At another point he also apologized to the audience for "laying the sarcasm on too thick". Dude is such a clown. I hope NFL Network goes with someone else next year.

Anyway, on to more important things:




I've been waiting for this all season. A power bomb from a black guy in Bills Mafia. This is the best video all season. There was also a streaker in Buffalo! It's exactly as you'd expect. An extremely hairy guy that looks like he went to WVU. I'm not posting that here.





Guy goes to every home game dressed as a damn pineapple! 



Brock Osweiler is back:


That's pretty much all that happened this week. I'm still not buying Rams as legitimate. I think the league is wide open.


Beef of the Week: ESPN Fantasy App

In the most obvious and deserved BOTW ever, ESPN decided at some point this week "hey, we mandate users watch an ad for 15 seconds on desktop. We're missing an opportunity on mobile!"

You open the app. BAM! Immediately you have to watch a full length movie just to see your fantasy score. This is a terrible idea. It takes all of 10 seconds to check your fantasy score. Watching a 15 second ad in order to use the app for 10 seconds makes no sense whatsoever.

Why do something that is just guaranteed to piss off every single one of your users? So stupid.


Bonus! I will have pictures and video from Saints tailgate for the blog next week. Also, remember that nobody can be kept that is added after this week.

It's time to flip over to the playoff standings, because things are so wide open.

10 teams (10!) have either 5 or 6 wins. 2 more teams have 4 wins. This is going to come down to Week 13. It's a mathematical certainty.

6-3-1

The King's Crusaders
Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets

Teams with the same record, tied for first, but with unbelievably different rosters. Phil keeps pulling out wins. Woody keeps trying to live up to the early season dominance. Did he peak too soon? Have the rookies hit the wall? It seems like there's no way Woody can miss the playoffs. Phil could still qualify, as he's a game and a half up. 1 more win may be enough. 7-5-1 usually gets in.


6-4

Pork Chop Express - Finally got it together. Wentz, AB, Thomas, and Diggs is going to be tough down the stretch.

Tequila Party Gnomes - Another team putting their money where their mouth is. DeAndre Hopkins is an absolute stud. Didn't realize just how many points he's scored.

Geno 911 - Actually has good players. Usually near the bottom in points, this team can seriously make the playoffs and make some noise.

Team Bartholomew - Seems like every week someone steps up. Over the mid-season struggle, and seems to be poised for a stretch run. Tough final 3, however.


5-5

Cash Me Out Wide - Most inconsistent team in the league. Puts up 140 one week, puts up 80 the next. This type of team is always dangerous yet rarely wins it all.

Tweeting in the Trenches - Hasn't really found the magic yet and has work to do. Freeman is concussed. Russell Wilson is concussed. Murray is wearing down. The Bears suck. Where are the points coming from?

The Old Ball Sack - Jarvis Landry saved you in garbage time. I won't complain because I needed the help. Still think this team is leaning more towards out than in.

Team BG - Rough loss against Mike Y. King, DP, and TITTY to bring it home is not going to be easy. Don't worry though. The rain's gonna wash it away, I believe it.


4-6

Dueling Pylons - 4th in points scored. 11th in the standings. What else is new? Took a number of brutal losses this season. Should put up points, but will it be enough.

A Lot O'Tatz - UJ threw water on your boner, and you're running out of options. Phil and Cutter before a showdown with the King could keep you in it.


3-7

Bo$$town Cutter - On his last legs. One more loss will officially eliminate you. Must win out to even have a shot. Not looking good.


2-8

x - Stanky Monkeys - It was a rough 2017 for Lou, and this team has been officially eliminated from playoff contention. Cracked 100 points in 3 of 10 weeks. We'll see you at the draft next year.


So with 3 weeks to play, we know... nothing! 7-6 almost definitely will be good enough to get in with everyone beating up on each other. 6-7 may even be enough, but we'll see.

The Patriots are also "at Oakland" in Mexico City, so YO SOY FIESTA!


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Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Blogalicious

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