Let the BIG DOG EAT!!!

I could've sworn I used that post title before, but oh well. LET THE BIG DOG EAT!!!

#raidernation #OAKLANDRAIDERS. Lol #raiderfanstailgatebetter #raiders #silvernblack #raidergirlsdoitbetter #beerbongfail #beerbong #raidernationforlife #rn4l #raidertailgate #raiderettes #realwomenwearblack #onenation #onlyonenation #silverandblack #silvernblack #silvernblackattack #silverandblackattack #raiderbeerbong

A video posted by @msjaywow on Oct 11, 2015 at 5:29pm PDT

I got screwed again this week! Nothing like losing on a Gary Barnidge taint TD.

That's actually what happened. EEB should change his team name RIGHT NOW to A Lot O'Taint.



Mother FUCKER. That's a rough way to go down to anybody, but especially EEB. Also Brandin Cooks caught a TD with :00 on the clock to just twist the knife a little further. EEB got away with one.

Although there are some good jerseys this week, I saw someone wearing a shirt that said "Tom Brady sit on my face". I know what you're thinking, but it was not Cutter.

The NFL was actually kinda good this week. Some late drama. Some winning bets. By the way, the Packers were in my parlay, so obviously Rodgers throws his first home picks since 2012. If you want your opponent to fuck up, send me some cash and I'll bet on their team. Bound to get bit.

Jamaal Charles also blew out his ACL. It was bound to happen. Here's a conversation I had with Gambino during the week.

Two weeks LOL. More like four days. It's amazing. The only good player on his team goes down. I'm no prognosticator, but I don't think that #10 ranking is going to hold up.

The Eagles showed some life. The Cowboys are gonna go a full month without winning a game. And how bad are the Lions. They might go winless for the entire season. They pulled Stafford for Orlovsky. Amazing.

Antonio Gates was "upset" with his suspension. Maybe you shouldn't have taken banned recovery substances then, Antonio. The rule is "don't put this in your body or you're suspended". He did the opposite. And was upset at the consequences. Can't imagine what he thought would happen. "I DIDN'T KNOW I SWEAR".

Beef of the Week: NFL Decision Makers

I actually had some difficulty finding beef this week. I was a relatively happy person on Sunday. Didn't wanna yell at anyone other than Sam Bradford for most of the first half.

That all changed Monday night. From the sideline reporter "As you know, DeAngelo Williams' mother died last year of breast cancer. He asked the NFL if he could wear pink all season to honor her. While he couldn't do that..."

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? The NFL actually turned this guy down from wearing pink all season?!?!? It's gotta be a money thing. Has to be. It might cause some controversy or dissent in the ranks. Well if one guy wears pink, the next you know everyone is going to want to wear a different color.

What fucking assholes. That's a slap in the face. Incredibly disrespectful to a veteran of the league. But what else would you expect. I hope someone gets on the horn and absolutely RIPS the league. They deserve it.

Here's the poll to get together again: http://doodle.com/poll/5yuf658533isrqm6

Do what you wish

Power Rankings

14. ROLL THE DICE (2-3 - Last week 13): No lie. When I was typing "ROLL THE DICE", I guess out of habit I typed "ROLL THE DICK". That's basically what this team is playing like right now.. Rolled Dick. Dosh's logo is now a beer helmet, and I think any public appearances the rest of the season must feature this apparatus. Now has weeks of 68, 70, 83, and 90. Admitted Peyton Manning is terrible. Let's see where this goes. ROLL THAT DICK.

13. Bo$$town Cutter (1-4 - Last week 14): I just want to explain the concept of the 1 PM rule.

Here's a scenario: Monday evening Le'Veon Bell blows out his knee walking into the locker room. DeAngelo Williams is available as a free agent. Anyone who has a player on a bye, or a player playing in the Monday night game can add DeAngelo and drop a player. Anyone who has already had all of their players play that week does not have that ability, as all players on the roster are locked. The 1 PM rule was put in place to level the playing field.

If the league as a whole wants to remove the rule and make it a free for all, I don't care. We can vote on it.

12. The King's Crusaders (2-3 - Last week 11): Still very much concerned about this roster. Andy Reid came back to Earth and stared motionless into space as Jay Cutler dilly-dallied his way to a victory. After that ACL got blown, everything went to shit. It's not good that KC has no other running backs. Defenses are going to put heat on Alex Smith as he dumps off for -2 yards over and over again. In the middle of the pack record wise. Not too late.

11. Dueling Pylons (1-4 - Last week 12): Fucking taint TD. Damnit. And got bit by Staffy. 6 Lions turnovers were a damn killer. This team is certainly looking up, however. Gurley is a monster. Allen Hurns is EEBin it real. Not the best team, but there's enough meat here to have some hope. Plays the bottom 3 in weeks 8-10, so could turn it around.

10. Geno 911 (3-2 - Last week 10): Take Jamaal Charles out of that lineup and things look pretty ugly. Doug Martin won't play the Jaguars every week, and Jay Cutler won't get the worst defense in the league and explode for 17 points every week either. I think this team is going to come crashing down. I look forward to future text messages predicting more injuries.

9. A Lot O'Taint (1-3-1 - Last week 9): I know you needed a win. But damn you didn't have to do me like that. I still think the roster is pretty decent, but that's just on paper. Guys have to deliver. Cooks had the most garbage of garbage time points. Brees looks real bad. Fuck Barnidge.

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-3 - Last week 7): Huge win v King. It looked a little hairy at points on Monday night. Probably didn't even realize that fantasy football was going on. Parlay > Eagles > EFFL. Somehow the Eagles aren't last. Looking forward to "spicing it up" on Sunday. If anyone wants in on this, we could have something here.

SPICING IT UP
A new twist. 3 Yes/No prop bets during a game. Should the guesser answer all 3 correct, the question distributor must eat the spiciest pepper available. I have habaneros in the apartment. Things may include:

- Will team X commit a defensive penalty in the 1st quarter?
- Will the first possession end in a punt?
- Will the broadcast have to go to commercial due to injury?


7. Pork Chop Express (3-2 - Last week 3): I can't get a read on this team. All of your RBs get benched for fumbling. Your #1 WR had his QB benched. And the rest of your roster (literally the entire roster) is Chargers and Eagles. It's just odd. I said it last week, and I don't think anything different. The only thing consistent about this team is inconsistency.

6. The Ol' Nut Sack (3-2 - Last week 8): Contacted me in a damn frenzy Sunday morning for Phil's phone number trying to get Jason Witten off him. I NEED A TE. HELP ME. EVERYONE WAS DROPPED AND I CAN'T ADD THEM. I think your team is a little above average. Adding some more players named CJ is the way to go. I swear, every time I see Spiller get the ball I think of Borat watching Baywatch "GO CJ!!!" "She had golden hair. Teeth as white as pearls. And the asshole of a 7 year old".

5. Team Bartholomew (2-3 - Last week 5): Nice pickup on Snead. Fusco missed the boat on that. Could've yelled SNEAD in his Mr. SMEE voice. Jeremy Hill is a terrible. And I recently learned he's a sexual predator. Great. At least Eifert is awesome. And that Broncos D is absolute fire. I can't believe how awesome they are. Little concerned about AB with Vick, but still a pretty solid squad across the board.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-2-1 - Last week 6): No terrible trade offers this week. Step in the right direction. Can't wait to be playing against you and OBJ on Monday night... against the Eagles. Might as well just take fucking Tuesday off now. How awesome is it that TITTY picked up Boobie Dixon. Too funny. Some guy on the train "Who is Bobby Dixon? I thought Anthony Dixon was the RB."

3. Stanky Monkeys (4-1 - Last week 4): No real reason to move around here. Thanks for responding in the poll. Much appreciated. I don't think anyone else can do 11/1, but I appreciate it. Could really use Steve Sr. and DeSean back. Injuries have hit hard, but I definitely like your squad. Cobb/Forte combo is fire and Edelman is about as reliable as it gets. Definitely doesn't get the respect he deserves.

2. Team BG (3-2 - Last week 2): No shame in playing against the high score. It just sucks when it's Gambino and you know his team is playing way above its pay grade. Only injury is going to stop you from having the best receiver combo in the league. I shouldn't say that. Sever jinx.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (5-0 - Last week 1): Relying on multiple Raiders has to be one of the dumbest possible fantasy strategies. It's like trading away a bunch of players to maximize the number of Bills on your roster. Stupid. That Freeman/Dion Lewis/Foster RB combo is just killing everyone. When you can go 5-0 with some of your top picks injured, that's gotta be a great feeling. I'd never know.


ROLL THE DICK!!! Some big matchups next week at the extremes with the top teams playing the bottom teams. If the little guys can't pull an upset, it could be bad news.

Wild Monday Night Finishes

Believe it or not, the EFFL stole the headlines this week. There were two WILD finishes, and a third that was equally as exciting.

TITTY was holding on for dear life against a hard charging Team Bartholomew. Only up 7, the Saints missed a FG that would have ended it. Tatz had Randle and Dan Bailey going still. But in one fell swoop, CJ Spiller gave it to Tatz by defeating his Cowboys and defeating his fantasy team with an 80 yard sprint to win the ballgame.

There were two simultaneous games going on: Lobitz v BG, and TPG v Dosh. Ben needed 17 from Tron to win. Matt needed 23 from Russell Wilson to win.

The Lions were down all game and clawing their way back. Ben had gotten to within 6 points and the Lions were in the red zone with under 2 minutes remaining. They needed a FG to tie or a TD to take the lead. A Tron TD would seal a victory for PCE. Staffy-Poo drops back and hits Tron over the middle. He's heading for the end zone!!!!! Just click play...

Calvin Johnson For The Win?? KAM CHANCELLOR SAYS NO! What. A. Play. #DETvsSEA http://t.co/GKHSR6aXrA

— NFL (@NFL) October 6, 2015

That was it for Lobitz. Undefeated no more. That fucking close. Welcome back Kam Chancellor.

Meanwhile, TPG was down 22 heading into Monday night with just Russell Wilson. Dosh was furiously texting me about how Russell was a "damn fool" and he "can't believe Marshawn would do this to him" and not play. Please note I typed the above at 6:30 PM, and it no doubt happened.

TPG had clawed back to within 7, but it looked like Seattle was just going to run the clock out. Detroit burned their final two timeouts, so with 3rd and 2 from their own 28, Seattle just needed a first down to ice it. In classic Seattle fashion, they refuse to run the ball. Wilson rolls right, does a classic jump pass and finds Jermaine Kearse in the middle of the field and HE. IS. LOOSE. There is NOBODY near Kearse. All he needs to do is fall down to win, but he's having NONE OF IT. He's trying to take this one to the house for TPG.

Detroit has no chance of winning if he's tackled. Their only chance is to let him score and win it for TPG. Kearse is at the 50, the 40, the 30, and he's finally chased down and pushed out of bounds at the 22 after a 50 yard gain. A TD would have given TPG a 1 point victory. Seattle takes a knee and ends it. Dosh escapes yet another Monday night at the death. I don't have a video as of the blog posting, but I'll try to add one. It was wild. Also Seattle was up by 3 and was a 9.5 point favorite.

On to the week in the NFL.

I won't burden you with the classic adages. We've been through it. After being declared BOWSE, Joe Philbin was fired a mere 7 days later. And Bills tailgates are not as fun when they're not playing the Patriots. You had Scott Hansen exclaiming "we had 51 touchdowns today!!" Let's do some math here. There were 2 teams off, 2 teams that played Thursday night, 2 Sunday night and 2 Monday night. That means 24 teams, or 12 games, were played in the afternoon. That means that 4.25 TDs were scored per game. That's nothing! That's a total of about 30 points COMBINED in each game from TDs. Give me a break Hansen.

This guy really grinds my gears. He's not beef of the week material, but he grinds my gears. Rashad Jennings caught a swing pass and took it to the house and he's proclaiming "THERE GOES TIM JENNINGS". The guy who is solo, broadcasting to basically every NFL fan, can't even get the fucking names right. I heard Sheldon Bailey instead of Stedman. And there was another one I can't remember but was really bad! I swear it! Guy works for 6 hours a week and can't do his fucking job right.

This week I'm on to the custom jerseys and funny signs. But only one funny sign. It said "I'm full Chubb". From now on, any time an EFFL member (probably me) drafts Nick Chubb, he will be taunted with obscenities "WAITRESS, WAITRESS. TOSS HIM! HE'S FULL CHUBB"

And who buys this shit?!?!?

And this is just a sampling. They are EVERYWHERE. Grown adults plunk down $100 to get a jersey with random shit on it. WHY?!?! No adults ever should have custom jerseys. I've maintained this stance for a long time and I will not waffle. How bout the Falcons idiots. $200 on that shit. And "AIN'T 1" can't even go anywhere wearing that alone. It doesn't make sense. Is that a Jay-Z reference? We can't be sure. Where's the guy with the "99 PROBLEMZ" jersey?

I do have to give it to the Bengals guy. That was clearly a Palmer jersey, and he ripped that nameplate right off! I wanted to find a GIF of Palmer ripping off the Ocho Cinco nameplate, but I can't find it on the internet. It may not exist. But I guess if you rip off Palmer, what the hell else are you gonna put?

Let's just get right to the damn Beef of the Week:

lmfao pic.twitter.com/RFRjlPm6dJ

— Steph (@StephGhost) October 4, 2015

My goodness is this guy fucking awful. I took Carlos Hyde in my other league. I didn't understand. All I read was "Who's on the offensive line?" "They can't protect!" I didn't buy that. Turns out I wasn't even wrong. I completely underestimated how straight garbage Colin Kaepernick is. He's so bad, he might soon be benched for Blaine Gabbert. Out of 40 QBs drafted in the first round since 2000, only Brady Quinn and JaMarcus Russell have a worse QB rating. This includes guys like Joey Harrington, Matt Leinart, Kyle Boller, Vince Young, and David Carr. He's worse. And Kaepernick is even worse than THAT.

He's thrown for 227 yards in the last two weeks COMBINED. Every fucking zone read play he keeps. Every one! You're supposed to "read" the defense. It's not a fake to the RB and then you sprint straight into a defender. You may not realize how bad he is, but in his 52 career starts, he has 52 TD passes. You can point fingers anywhere you want, but in the famous words of Clay Matthews "YOU AIN'T WILSON BRO". What a disaster that team is. What an idiot for thinking they'd give the ball to the only good player on the team.

Also, only myself, Dosh, and TITTY have voted on the EFFL get together.

http://doodle.com/poll/5yuf658533isrqm6

You can actually vote "No Option Works for Me". JUST VOTE. If you don't wanna get drunk and watch football with your boys, that's on YOU, brotha.

Power Rankings

14. Bo$$town Cutter (1-3 - Last week 9): Tried to tough it out, but it's been 3 defeats in a row. With Dez injured and Martavis Bryant suspended for blowing tree with you, you had one good receiver. You traded him for Brady. And you picked up Tavon Austin who had a career day, and you didn't use him. Even with Martavis back, I'm concerned about the overall quality of this squad. Injuries have really hurt, which sucks.

13. TWINECTOMY (2-2 - Last week 11): I can't endorse this team at this point, even though you squeaked out a win. Despite a solid effort in Week 3, you've scored 83, 68, and 90 in the other 3 weeks. Could have easily used Ted Ginn after he helped you out last week, but chose to bench him while he scored 2 TDs. Peterson is keeping your team afloat, but he's on a bye in Week 5. A LOT of waiver wire players, but at least showing some consistency. Losing Lance Dunbar hurts.

12. Dueling Pylons (1-3 - Last week 14): Out of the doghouse! Finally started to show some improvement after a pitiful start. Still couldn't figure out which players to start, but there's at least some hope. Gurley went off in just his 2nd game. He's a total stud. Also scooped up Eddie Royal at 12:30, used him, and he was in the end zone a half hour later. Must've killed Lou. Hilton and Agholor may be sucking ass, but others are starting to step up, which this team needs big time.

11. The King's Crusaders (2-2 - Last week 12): About on par with the Pylons, but certainly not much better. I'm absolutely shocked that Maclin has done this well. In his past 6 quarters, he has 19 catches for 289 yards and a TD. That's almost 9 points per quarter. Absurd. Your RBs stink, however, and relying on two TEs every week can get a bit hairy. Rawls may prove to be a really big pickup if Beast Mode is out for an extended period of time.

10. Geno 911 (2-2 - Last week 13): This is probably an all-time high for Geno 911 in the power rankings. In any season. Your team is bad. But it's not THAT bad. Jamaal Charles has worked out. I still think the rest of your roster is filled with players that nobody else in the league wants.You could probably cut about 2/3 of your team and they wouldn't be picked up. I hope so, so badly that week 13 is a meaningful game against the Pylons.

9. A Lot O'Tatz (0-3-1 - Last week 5): Can't keep you afloat anymore. The only winless team, You're lucky you're still ahead of Gambino. Andrew Luck has scored 29 fantasy points in the 3 weeks since acquiring him. That'll obviously get better, but don't feel bad. Hilton has been awful also. Looking at your team, it should be better. Congrats for now being up to 4 players drafted by the Pylons. A tremendous accomplishment.

8. The Old Ball Sack (2-2 - Last week 8): Julio can't do it for you every week. You basically picked players from all the teams that are getting reamed by everyone. Lamar Miller, Anquan Boldin, And due to blind homerism, traded a very serviceable Danny Woodhead for a Redskins backup RB. Could certainly be lower. Probably should be lower.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-3 - Last week 7): Injury bug is really starting to creep up on TPG again. Lynch, Joique Bell, Charles Johnson, Austin S. Jenkins all missed this week. You do have the luxury of having Wilson and Rivers, and I'd highly recommend dealing one. AJ and Fitz is arguably the best combo in the league, so you're good there. Rough week, but things will get better.

6. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-2-1 - Last week 10): Moved up! I have nothing to say about your team. I do have SERIOUS beef with your trade offers. I was alerted you attempted to get Demaryius Thomas for Gates, Gore and Andre Johnson. Shockingly, shockingly, that was not your worst offer OF THE WEEK.

Saturday night, I'm watching Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1. Who knows if Peeta and Katniss are going to get back together?!?! All of the sudden my phone buzzes and I see "You've received a trade offer". I'm excited, distracted. Adam Vinatieri for TY Hilton. I immediately lose it. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!?" Chris' response? "Hahahah, I'm 8 Coronas deep and just wanted to laugh at your reaction". First of all, that's mean. Second, they still sell Corona in October? That's messed up. You're losing credibility. Get it together.

5. Team Bartholomew (2-2 - Last week 6): Antonio Brown is feeling the Big Ben effect. He's been touched and degraded, and he certainly didn't ask for it. I'd probably cut Kaepernick. He's thrown for a TD in exactly 1 of 4 games. But Jeremy and VJax got it together, which is a good sign. I think you're team is around the middle of the pack right now. Could go up or down still.

4. Stanky Monkeys (3-1 - Last week 2): Just an awful week all around. When 2 players leave the field due to injury, it's not good. And you've gotta be disappointed with just 16 from Matt Ryan when the Falcons scored 48 points. There was nothing you could have done. I think your team has better days ahead though. Edelman is off the bye. DeSean will be back soon. Ryan Mathews has been more effective than Spray Tan. I think you're fine.

3. Pork Chop Express (3-1 - Last week 4): The only thing consistent about this team is inconsistency. Again this team feels like it should be better, but despite the point total, I guess you really can't argue with the results. I just don't know how you make lineup decisions. It's gotta be so difficult every single week. Schedule is gonna start to get tougher after feasting on the league's bottom feeders. Allowed 98, 89, 95, and 106. You need a challenge.

2. Team BG (3-1 - Last week 3): Go figure. The two new guys occupy the two top spots. Thrown for a loop by Drew Brees, which is unfortunate. Despite also falling into the 49ers/Dolphins trap (IT'S A TRAP!), you've got two top-10 receivers and another in probably the top 20. In a 14 team league, that's huge. And your boy LeGarrette is ready to roll. I think this team is trending up.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (4-0 - Last week 1): Nothing new to report at the top. Despite an uncharacteristically low scoring week, had Devonta Freeman severely bail him out. Now have pulled 120 points in 3 weeks from single RBs. Team isn't as fun without Gronk, huh? This team will be fine and is certainly still the team to beat. Of course had the highest waiver priority and grabbed Stafford too. Bastard.

I'm back. I'm ready for more football. I needed something desperately. And this thing is wide open. A couple good records at the top, but lots of teams right around .500. Still everything up for grabs this early in the season. Except for EEB. He's gotta get it going right away.

Big Scores for League's Best

Another week in the books, and damn does football suck this season. Has nothing to do at all with the fact that the Pylons are 0-3. Nothing. I can't even find funny tailgate pictures this week, which is shocking because the Browns hosted the Raiders. What else is there to do other than drink? My favorite TD combo hooked up: McCown-Barnidge. It's like a law firm that only deals with personal injury and has infomercials. Dial 888-SHITBROWNS.

I've seen things saying Browns throw a good tailgate. That's a load of horseshit. Every Browns fan is a fat slob. Oh look at this fat guy passed out with no puke on him! Weak. Look at this guy peeing on a dumpster! Weak. Look at these smoking hot biddies chugging fireball. Sike!!! There are no hot biddies anywhere near Cleveland. That's the last place you should ever go for anything. Especially a tailgate.

We had a good one this week finally! King v Dosh raged into the night while many slept. It looked like a sure victory for TWINECTOMY with James Jones laying the wood. King was cursing himself yet AGAIN. "Why did I have to get all Chiefs? Why did I trust Reid?" I have no fucking clue. That's stupid. 

Maclin had a big goose at the half. Woody was down like 40 points. It was over. But somehow, he started to claw his way back. Rodgers was peppering the Chiefs with TD passes. 5 of em. And the Chiefs just kept hammering back and hammering back. Maclin TD. Kelce 2 point conversion. Next thing you know, Woody is only down by about 12. And the Chiefs are throwing nonstop. On a 4th and 17, Maclin catches the ball for 16 yards. He's somehow awarded a first down. Dosh is irate with just 2 minutes to play.

Chiefs are driving and Maclin is unstoppable. He catches an 8 yard pass on 1st and 10 to cut the Dosh lead to 3! Inexplicably, Andy decides to burn a timeout on 2nd and 2 from the Packers 10 yard line. Just eats those things up like they're fucking sauseeges. Dosh is clutching himself, knowing the Chiefs are knocking on his door. He's thrown a huge bone, as Jamaal Charles scores a TD to preserve the lead. Maclin is stuck on 28 points, all from the 2nd half.

But the Chiefs get the ball back for one final shot for the King. Instead of getting it with 1:15 left, there are only 30 seconds left because Andy needed a snack and ate that damn timeout. 1st down, Alex Smith fires for Maclin over the middle who falls down. Would have been close to tying the game. Smith is sacked on the final play and Dosh escapes. Woody's 3 players put up 81 points Monday night, and it fell just short. What a wild finish.

And the coolest thing to happen on Sunday was Papelboner fighting Bryce Harper in a dugout like baseball actually matters. RUN OUT THAT POP FLY BRO!!! WHO CARES IF WE'RE ELIMINATED AND IT'S GAME 154 of 162?!?!?! But I'm going to jump right into my beef this week. Because I'm left baffled.

Beef of the Week: Game Length

For years, I've operated under the assumption that a football game took 3 hours. If it was extra close, it could sometime extend another half hour or so. Turns out, that's bullshit. Some jagoff with fireworks (probably JPP) blew up the 4 yard line at the Edward Jones Dome right before kickoff. They brought out a damn shopvac from 1982 to suck up the debris. Game was delayed. Rams linemen were doing exercises to keep their groins loose. This undoubtedly led to the explosion of B.Berger's MCL.

Anyway, this game didn't kick off til after 1:30. I was forced to continue to wait for Gurley's debut. Despite this over half hour delay, this game went into halftime before Eagles-Jets. How in the world does this happen?!?!? With a half hour delay, they barely took over an hour to play the half. I want to see that all the time. We've been sucked into this 3 hour nonsense, when in fact a game really can be played in less than two and a half. Let's have two rounds of games: a 2 and a 430 and be done. Trust me, I'm not drinking less with games only from 2-7. But it's no less exciting. In fact it might even be more exciting without the delays. The NFL is sucking up our time for damn advertisements. It ain't right. BOTW.

We have some interesting developments in the league as teams begin to assert themselves. Phil has taken the league by storm, and his multi-year hiatus appears to have paid dividends. But losing your QB hurts. Who knows if he'll be able to keep up the hot start?

I also wanted to propose a league gathering in NYC to watch football on a Sunday. Click the link below and you can vote for as many weekends as you want. Would love to do a get together and just go buck wild in a bar as I fall to 0-8. Will pick whatever date the most people are in for. Furious clapping in people's faces is a must.

Click the link for the poll

Power Rankings

14. Dueling Pylons (0-3 - Last week 11): The reaction to seeing this roster is exactly what Adam Sandler did in Billy Madison when he sees Ernie's pissed himself.

No depth. No starters. Just a damn mess of a squad. When will this team win its first game? Who fucking knows.

13. Geno 911 (1-2 - Last week 12): As expected, got clobbered by the top team. I think this team may be even worse than mine, but it's tough to tell. At least has Jamaal Charles to salvage something. That's as of this writing. He'll probably be injured on Monday night. It's a helpless feeling with bare bones on the bench. But at least Gambino is at Oktoberfest and probably slamming tons of dudes. He's winning the league on that front. Better doppelganger?

Either way, Gambino looks like an absolutely terrible quarterback. And is possibly black.

12. The King's Crusaders (1-2 - Last week 13): Moved up kinda by default, but make no mistake, part of the bottom 4. Couldn't even take advantage of a matchup against Dosh who was hurling expletives in my ear at Mike Evans all day. I honestly don't know how you make it back with that roster. It may not be too late to go to the well: get EEB drunk and rub him raw. Picked a good year to have a kid lol.

11. TWINECTOMY (1-2 - Last week 14): We're really splitting hairs at the bottom here. The bottom 4 are a clear bottom 4 at this point. Thanks for leaving me as the last team without a win. What I find most alarming about your performance Sunday (other than your Columbia windbreaker which was three sizes too small), is the complete lack of awareness as to players playing. Locked in to the Panthers to yell at Ted Ginn and totally missed Vernon Davis and Martellus Bennett doing absolutely nothing for you, it's that bad. I've been there. I'm sure I'll be there again pretty soon.

10. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-2-1 - Last week 9): It's weird. You look at this roster and you're like what the fuck?!? bELL, odELL, donnELL, lafELL,and emanuELL, and you think to yourself the obvious: Chris has failed miserably at having a team with everyone named Eli. If I'm TITTY, I wouldn't be happy with being felt up by repeated opposition. You have 3 good players and that's it. Will it be enough? Will you find the complementary pieces in time? Might have to get that trophy patched up sooner than later.

9. Mo$$town Cutter (1-2 - Last week 6): Nothing like rolling a blunt at 8 AM on your birthday, opening your fantasy squad, and seeing your receivers are Aaron Dobson and Dexter McCluster. Got an unbelievable game from Chris Johnson and it still didn't matter one bit. You were never going to win this week, but still. Just get all the Patriots. Roster has gotten very thin. Need all those doobie brothers back.

8. The Old Sack Tap (2-1 - Last week 10): Mike Y consistently defies the rankings. Julio is having basically the best season in history, but I really don't think he keeps up the 40 PPG pace. I could be wrong. I'd probably trade him for pieces to a team like the Pylons. I'm sure EEB wishes he never yelled at you "YOU DON'T TRADE JULIO" as he ravaged him again and again. Needs a running back desperately as I've said.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-2 - Last week 7): Fucker. Left my ass like this:

6. Team Bartholomew (2-1 - Last week 2): I went from ecstatic to much concern. Kaepernick looked like Gambino (aka garbage). Big Ben went down which is going to hurt Antonio. Jeremy Hill is a colossal bust. Andy Dalton had a classic redhead moment and forgot that he loves tight end. Guy in my other league was texting me about the "Red Rocket". Dalton's nickname is the "Red Rifle". "Red Rocket" is what dogs get when they're horny. I digress. Only consolation for bad lineup decisions is that you had no shot to win.

5. A Lot O'Tatz (0-2-1 - Last week 3): Alarmingly high for a team without a win. But you're scoring points. I think you have a pretty solid team, and you know you haven't seen the best of Luck yet. Got a nice stretch coming up with Gambino and the Pylons. Definitely make or break time. You can't lose to those scrubs and expect to compete. Can't believe you started two Titans. I don't think anyone's ever done that in EFFL history.

4. Pork Chop Express (3-0 - Last week 8): Threatened to quit the league if he lost to Cutter. Reasonable effort from the squad. Certainly in the mix, but I think there are some better teams out there at this point.

Could this guy be any more Philly? Tailgating with a jersey of a player no longer on the team, wearing a lei despite it being less than 70 degrees, and refusing to put down his Miller Lite can to whack a rubber Tony Romo with breasts. What are those, cargo pants?

Click here for the version with sound Striking fear into the hearts of... basically nobody.

3. Team BG (2-1 - Last week 5): If only every week were that easy. Solid top to bottom. Injury bug has finally bitten, however. Kicker Cody Parkey has been lost for the year. Blew up for over 150 and left 27 from LeGarrette on the bench. Still alarms me that there's a guy named Blount on the Patriots and he's not on Cutter's team. Still carrying Montee Ball, which is hilarious. Because he's not even on a team.

2. Stanky Monkeys (3-0 - Last week 4): I'm one of those assholes that never takes a defense or kicker early. I think it's stupid. And then I look at my special teams scoring 4 points and look at Stanky Monkeys dropping 35. I'm an idiot as usual. Dropped 170 and the bench put up another 100. That's a good sign. I don't see any reason for this team not to beat the pants off of the Pylons next week.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (3-0 - Last week 1): I know you're thinking it:

Had DeAngelo drop 40 last week. Plugs in Devonta Freeman and he scores 42. But will you roll with Teddy now that Big Ben has gone down? But outside of Freeman, the team did look mortal. But there's no doubt that the top scoring team without Arian Foster, Alshon Jeffery, and Victor Cruz is scary. Definite opportunity to deal for a QB and strengthen the squad.


And I know you didn't see this coming, but I'm not done with the beef. I got some mo!

Beef of the Week - Special Edition (a.k.a. BOWSE) : Miami Dolphins

Joe Philbin is a fucking moron. I don't even have any Dolphins! But they hate Lamar Miller. 7 carries against Buffalo. Did the #2 Damien Williams get more carries? Nope, just 2. Who got the most carries? Jonas Gray, who they signed off the fucking street. Lamar Miller ran for 1,100 yards last year! But they absolutely REFUSE to give him the ball.

And they have just the absolute worst talent evaluation department in the league. It's not even close. Ryan Tannehill is a straight joke. He's barely in the discussion for top half of QBs in the league. Jarvis Landry "catches everything". Guy couldn't be less athletic. DeVante Parker? Going to be a huge bust. They used a first rounder on Parker, a second rounder on Landry, and Tannehill is out there chucking it up to Rishard Matthews and Jake Stoneburner (future Cutter team member). And there you have Philbin just staring into space like he's the damn white bitch from Men in Black.

They got straight GOONED by the Bills at home, and it was hilarious. I hope it's not too soon to get a Tyrod jersey. Philbin couldn't have less of a clue what he's doing. I have no idea how he's lasted this long. It's embarrassing that a team that has invested that many high picks on offensive players can't get a thing going.

Although... the Browns last 3 offensive first round picks were Johnny Manziel, Trent Richardson, and Brandon Weeden. That's fucking awful.


Week 4 Schedule

#1 Cecil Had It Coming v. #8 The Old Ball Sack
#2 Stanky Monkeys v. #14 Dueling Pylons
#3 Team BG v. #4 Pork Chop Express
#5 A Lot O'Tatz v. #13 Geno 911
#6 Team Bartholomew v. #10 Tweeting in the Trenches
#7 Tequila Party Gnomes v. #11 TWINECTOMY
#9 Bo$$town Cutter v. #12 The King's Crusaders

Don't forget to vote in the poll for a league get together. You can vote for multiple dates, which is no problem for me. Looking forward to getting bent over yet again in Week 4.

Major Concerns in the League

We have our first tie! And of course, again, it's EEB. He picked up some garbage Andrew Luck points on Monday night at the death to equalize. Just remember, all scores are not final until Thursday morning, so if there is a scoring change, the result could be affected.

This was a straight up brutal week of football. It leaves many questioning the state of the game. Has the NFL gone the way of the shit stain? Stinky, and bound to leave a mark. I know there are injuries every year, but this year seems to be almost the worst yet. Romo is out. Cutler is out. Josh McCown perished in last week's blog. Drew Brees may have a shoulder injury. Peyton Manning has a noodle arm. And that's just QBs!

Dez, Jordy, Mike Evans, TY, Alshon, and Kelvin Benjamin are all out or banged up. That's 6 of the 21 1,000 yard receivers from last year. And it's only Week 2! There are so many fucking injuries that the product on the field has become absolute garbage.

Beef of the Week: Stripes with yellow hankies

OMG that Eagles/Cowboys game. There were 26 penalties accepted. There were another 2 declined. That's 28 penalties called in a damn 60 minute game! And assuming not every one of those was only seen by one official, it's fair to estimate that there were 40 penalty flags thrown in the game. That's disgusting. I don't think I've ever remembered turning off a 10 point game in the 4th quarter. It was fucking unwatchable. They need to chill the shit with the flags. I get false start is unavoidable. If a guy's offsides, he's offsides. But the holding and the illegal contact have to go. The game sucks, and I'm actually considering watching RedZone instead for the foreseeable future. But hey, the Bills are back.

http://bustedcoverage.com/2015/09/20/a-season-with-buffalo-bills-fans-burning-brady-jersey-bat-bill-more-puking-week-two/

And they missed some glorious moments:

Can't beat bills fans. Unreal. pic.twitter.com/8KaxcYSnGo

— Jimbo (@RowleyJimmy) September 20, 2015

The Bills are awesome. They suck, but they're awesome. There's truly nothing like that Pats @ Bills game in September every year when the Bills think they're good to go and proceed to get stomped by the Pats. They lost 40-32. Last year they lost 37-22. The year before that 23-21. The year before that 52-28. They actually won the year before that 34-31. The year before that 34-3. It's remarkable. In the last 6 home games against the Pats, they've allowed 217 points, for an average of 36 points per game. Incredible.

I also saw some very interesting stats about Carson Palmer. In his last 16 games, he's 14-2 with 4,500 yards passing and 32 TDs. That's damn impressive. They never play any good teams, but that's beside the point! There are so many bad teams in the league, and as I said, the product has gone way down. Honestly, who's good other than the Pats and Packers? Maybe the Steelers? I don't know if you can even look at more than that and say to yourself, "Man that's a good team!" The only solution is bars and alcohol.

But man, check out THIS catch by Double G's. You might have to click through to peep it.

Let's get to the POWER RANKINGS

14. TWINECTOMY (0-2 - Last week 9): For some reason, I moved Dosh up last week despite him having the fewest amount of points. He responds by starting 3 Wide Receivers who combine for 1 catch. Put up a dismal 68 points and got slapped in the face by The Old Ball Sack. Nobody likes testes to the face, except WWE wrestlers. And dudes who like those things. Scoring just 151 points through 2 weeks is a huge problem. And it's not like it's due to bad lineup decisions either. Might as well go ahead and change the name to Team Boobiak, because nothing makes you happier than picking his players and yelling about what an idiot he is.

13. The King's Crusaders (1-1 - Last week 11): Right back towards the bottom. King texted me in a god damn frenzy, ripping his own team. How could I be so stupid?!?!?!? My team is terrible! Put the King in last in the power rankings. Although you tried hard, we have another team trying harder. Losing to Geno 911 is never a good look. Ever. You know he's gonna put up between 90 and 110 points every single week. That's your target. I traded Luck to get some pieces. Maybe dealing Rodgers or Jimmy Graham isn't the worst thing in the world. At least you have a win under your belt and get Dosh next week.

12. Geno 911 (1-1 - Last week 14): Got a win and moved up, but lost both quarterbacks. Ouch. Actually had a pretty solid week other than that, but my concerns as always are it looks like your team did great, and your point total still wasn't anything to be proud of. I do think there are worse teams out there, and as I said to King, just keep piling up those wins. You unfortunately have it much rougher against the top team in the league. And he could have Foster, Cruz and Jeffery back. Could be in for a rough one.

11. Dueling Pylons (0-2 - Last week 12): Not that this team is really that much better, if at all, than any of the teams below, but can at least see some potential. Scores look a lot different when your kicker and defense combine for 30 points as opposed to 6. And losing a guy to injury during a game is balls. But Gurley is sitting on the bench ready to unleash on unsuspecting defenses. And with some of the young guys getting better, this team looks like it's at least capable of a promising future. But that was always the concern. Would the team be good enough at the beginning of the year? Currently, the answer looks like no.

10. The Old Ball Sack (1-1 - Last week 10): Yet another disappointing performance. Julio can only do so much, and he's done a hell of a lot. He's got 60 of your barely over 200 points in two weeks. But how bout that Matt Jones? I have to imagine... actually, I don't even want to imagine what was going on in the Young household when Jones went off against the Rams supposedly stout run defense. I think there's a pretty big gap between the bottom 4 and this team, but the complementary pieces have to do something. If Julio has a pedestrian game it's going to be a struggle to reach 100.

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-1-1 - Last week 13): I swear, man. Every time I knock Fusco down he comes right back up. And this ranking might be a little low. The trio of Brady, Odell and Le'Veon is going to be ridiculous. The bench is pretty bare, but I know Chris couldn't give a shit. He's going to fill his lineup with garbage and watch them go off. I have nothing else to say about this team.

8. Pork Chop Express (2-0 - Last week 2): Turns out, this team isn't what we expected. Largely because the Eagles are so bad. But has the aforementioned Carson Palmer, which is a good sign. Allen Robinson obviously had a career day against me. Keenan Allen, the best receiver in the league, put up 1 point. Abudllah with 1 point. I think this is a good team still, but it's not as dominant as I expected. I want to see consistency, and I haven't seen it yet from this team.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-2 - Last week 6): Ran into a red hot Stanky Monkeys, and that's just balls. Again, similar to PCE, I want to see some consistency. Austin Seferian-Jenkins was a ghost, and Melvin Gordon has started awfully slow. It's a shame that ridiculous Larry Fitz game went to waste. But I think you're in OK shape. The Seahawks are going to just demolish the Bears, so good thing you get the Pylons next week. I'll just go fuck myself.

6. Mo$$town Cutter (1-1 - Last week 8): Missing Dez, Martavis, and Gates is pretty rough. You go into the season all ready to go, and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend. You won't have to start Jerricho Cotchery or Chris Johnson for long. A couple of waiver wire adds, the guys back from suspension, and you'll be fine. Played a team that was scalding hot.

5. Team BG (1-1 - Last week 4): Dropped off a little more than I'd like to see, but you had absolutely no shot this week. It's good to use up those bad weeks instead of dropping 150 and losing. Who would've thought Derek Carr would be clowning Brees? Had a ton of points on the bench, and it's only a matter of time until the lineup decisions sort themselves out. Your receiver trio of Demaryius, Hopkins and Landry is probably the best in the league. I'm not all that concerned.

4. Stanky Monkeys (2-0 - Last week 7): Can't complain with a 2-0 start, and perhaps things ended up better than I initially thought. Edelman may end the season with 200 catches. Huge week, easy win, and very solid team. The lack of big name star power does irk me a little bit, but I think that can be easily overcome. My real concern is the age of the roster. Will they hold up over the length of the season? It also sucks than Ryan Mathews is completely worthless.

3. A Lot O'Tatz (0-1-1 - Last week 5): Pulled off a huge mid-week trade, but it was the other guys that pitched in. Used Doug Baldwin who miraculously scored 22 points. But losing Eddie Lacy hurts a lot, especially when you just dealt some depth. Hopefully for you it's not too long of an injury. You're going to need to start getting some more production before the bye weeks hit. There's also really not much of a gap that I see between here and #8. So I wouldn't feel overly confident with this ranking.

2. Team Bartholomew (2-0 - Last week 3): Got two 0's in the lineup and still put up almost 140. That's unbelievable. I have to say that I'm awful impressed with this roster. I wouldn't be surprised if Gambino isn't eyeing one of those QBs sitting on your bench. Antonio Brown is completely unstoppable. He should've been the #1 pick in the draft. Terrance Williams is now the #1 guy, so he's in a prime spot. Imagine when you get Julius back. Good matchup with BG next week. Definitely one I'm looking forward to.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (2-0 - Last week 1): I haven't played Candy Crush in over 4 months, but damn I might have to get back into it. After dropping 144 last week, put up 178 with a defense getting negative points. And has Foster, Cruz and Alshon sitting on the bench! I was a hater on the Raiders, and I can't believe it worked out. Puts DeAngelo in, gets 30 points. Picks up Dion Lewis, 23 points. Throw in Gronk, Witten and Roethlisberger, and this is your team to beat. Cecil did not have it coming, you monster. And is going to absolutely unload on Geno 911. Might be a 50 points favorite.


Week 3

The teams that are 0-2 are hilarious. And we already have our first toilet bowl in Week 3 with King v. Dosh. If I'm sitting at 0-2 (I am), there are a bunch of good teams that look relentless. But the bubble is weak! Anybody can sneak in as the at-large.

A couple reminders:

- Top 7 make the playoffs, with only first place getting a bye.
- Players cannot be added after 1 PM Sunday. I'm pretty sure everyone is aware at this point, but always helps to remind.

#1 Cecil Had It Coming v. #12 Geno 911
#2 Team Bartholomew v. #5 Team BG
#3 A Lot O'Tatz v. #10 The Old Ball Sack
#4 Stanky Monkeys v. #9 Tweeting in the Trenches
#6 Mo$$town Cutter v. #8 Pork Chop Express
#7 Tequila Party Gnomes v. #12 Dueling Pylons
#13 The King's Crusaders v. #14 TWINECTOMY


Going to 0-3 would be a disaster, yet it's a mathematical certainty for one of TPG and the Pylons.

Week 1 Leaves Few Surprises

We are BACK! And as is frequently the case with the start of football (you can check past blogs to confirm), I'm cursing the damn sport within minutes. I've been STARVING for football, and I just take it on the chin constantly. It's a given that I will play the high score in Week 1. It happens every year, and I'm no longer surprised, but it's always a sickening feeling to see the Bengals pound your BH relentlessly. I never did anything to them. I actually went to trivia a couple years ago, and they questioned about Bengals history. I was all over it. I never did anything to that sad franchise, but nevertheless I'm a helpless bottom. Just receiving 4 separate times.

Every year you see something new and think to yourself "Man, I've never seen that before". This happened about 10 minutes into football, as Josh McCown was spun over 180 degrees by a diving head shot.

This evoked memory of the Sage Rosenfels whirlybird, but at least Sage took a shot to the body. This was helmet on helmet. Yikes.

Also, this is Gronk's girlfriend: https://instagram.com/camillekos/. Sorry if you're reading this on the toilet and went for an unexpected morning dip.

And I say it every single year. We HAVE TO GO TO A BILLS TAILGATE. This type of thing happens at every home game! This guy is a hero!



I'm going to get straight into the beef of the week, as I'm about to go on a serious rant.

Beef of the Week: DFS

I'd honestly be surprised if all 14 members even knew what it stood for. Apparently DFS stands for "Daily Fantasy Sports". I don't think so. In my mind, it stands for "Dumb Fucking Shit". This community appears to be gaining steam, and for the love of God I hope it is stopped sooner than later. The two main culprits here are DraftKings and FanDuel. You've heard of both of them. The reason being they spend more money on advertising than I ever knew was possible. If you watch football, it is a proven fact that 72% of all advertisements are for one of these companies. They sponsor EVERYTHING. It's not just like a normal company who advertises. Here are some things sponsored by one of these companies:

- This replay brought to you by DraftKings
- This flying header brought to you by FanDuel.
- This coaches challenge brought to you by FanDuel.
- This pylon, brought to you by DraftKings.
- This goalpost, brought to you by FanDuel.
- This hashmark, brought to you by DraftKings.
- This jockstrap brought to you by FanDuel.

I'm not even exaggerating. I was coming off the subway the other day, and the fucking turnstile is wrapped in a DraftKings ad. You can't even see the train times on the boards in Penn Station because of the gigantic FanDuel ad in your face. They are fucking EVERYWHERE. They're on the electric level separator at every stadium. It's only a matter of time until there are stickers for both of these companies all over seats, jerseys, concession stands, the facade of stadiums, facemasks, floors, urinals, urinal cakes, urinal flushers, the inside of toilets, the paper towel dispensers, usher's faces, railings and everything else imaginable. You want a burger at the stadium? It'll have the fucking FanDuel logo imprinted on it. You want a hot dog? It was made in a meat mold spelled out in DraftKings. It's FUCKING AWFUL.

These two companies are EXACTLY THE SAME. There is not a single difference between the two. And the NFL is the BIGGEST FUCKING HYPOCRITE OF THEM ALL. We're not gonna allow gambling, but we have no fucking problem pimping the hell out of these two companies from which they can take a cut. But somehow, Dumb Fucking Shit is not gambling. HOW? You have to bet money on players and you win money. You bet on players instead of teams. Who cares?!?!?! It's gambling.

These guys have also infiltrated the fantasy community. Matthew Berry's Love/Hate column is now DFS inspired. You want to know who you should start or sit? The only thing that matters is what their salary is.

And I just think it's so stupid to play against half a million people you don't know with players you have no loyalty to. I get the intention. If your fantasy season goes to shit, you have a backup. But there's just NO EXCITEMENT. The lack of head-to-head matchup is fucking retarded. There is nothing better than getting together with one of your boys, getting fucked up, and screaming in his face every time you drop a TD in his grill. Nothing better. DFS sucks the life out of that, and I for one will not conform to this new fad.

I've also seen some hate recently on the live drafts. Apparently some people think it's "too much of a hassle" to get guys together. It's easier to just draft online and be done with it. Fuck THAT. The EFFL Draft is one of the most exciting things of my entire year, every single year. People have tried to turn fantasy football into nothing but gambling. For me (and I think most of the league feels the same way), fantasy football is about making football more enjoyable and a way to stay close with a bunch of people who may not necessarily live near each other any more. DFS wants to take that away. The EFFL will not stoop to these fucking levels.

Rant over.


Now it's time to get into the power rankings. I don't know how this will go, but let's see.

14. Geno 911 (0-1 - Last week 14): This team looked terrible from the getgo, and I haven't seen anything that would make me consider changing my mind. Played against a team with two 0's and still lost. That's embarrassing. And Tony Romo has lost Dez for awhile, which surely hurts his value. The one thing I will say is that there are a couple decent options on the bench would could end up helping. Moncrief, Hillman and Lockett all could end up in the starting lineup sooner than later. Still a ways to go, but not looking good.

13. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-1 - Last week 7): Oh baby! I think TITTY may be in some trouble already. Brady isn't going to play the Steelers joke defense every week, and Andre Ellington is already down with an injury. Only 2 RBs even playing are two Giants who together don't even equal one good RB. The trio of Eddie Royal, Mike Wallace, and Andre Johnson looks downright dreadful, dear. The Beckham-Bell combo is going to be good in the future, but this team is currently on thin ice.

12. Dueling Pylons (0-1 - Last week 12): Pylons second round pick: 0 points. Pylons third round pick: 0 points. Pylons fifth round pick: 0 points. That's a problem. While Sammy Watkins performance was disappointing, assuming Tyrod Taylor only throws the ball 20 times a game is impossible. Starting QBs don't throw the ball only 320 times in a season. Luck looked good. Ivory looked good. Jordan Reed looked good. The rest of the team is going to need to step it up pretty soon. Phillip Dorsett could move into a big role with T.Y. Hilton banged up.

11. The King's Crusaders (1-0 - Last week 13): This team may prove to be better than initially anticipated. Travis Kelce was absolutely unstoppable, and that pick could pay huge dividends. Will no doubt be fooled into using Percy Harvin in the future, where he will fail to reach double digit points ever again. But a team with Aaron Rodgers should always be competitive. It's just a matter of whether the big weeks will be there. That remains uncertain.

10. The Old Ball Sack (0-1 - Last week 6): Mike Y can't be encouraged with the week 1 performance despite the valiant effort from Julio Jones. The two keepers, CJ Anderson and Lamar Miller, looked overrated as expected. CJ has already hurt himself. The QB spot also appears to be in question at the moment. While some teams emerge from Week 1 not seeing the results they expected, it's really hard to find a bright spot at the moment. Brandon Marshall's 18 points might be his best of the season. I'm concerned for this team already. Will need to get right on the waiver wire.

9. TWINECTOMY (0-1 - Last week 11): This team really did not put up many points, yet still moved up in the rankings. Really planned poorly for this week and was forced to use an inactive Mike Evans. That always sucks. The big concern, however, appears to be with Peyton Manning. Will he emerge as a legitimate QB option, or is he done? Having Tannehill as a backup isn't a killer, and appears to have won the Green Bay lottery by adding James Jones. That could be a huge find. Things will get better. Decent squad.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (1-0 - Last week 3): I don't think this is a bad team, but without Dez, it's middle of the pack for now. The team looks dramatically different. But had the balls to start Mariota, and it worked out. The Alex Smith / Mariota combo was the best in the league at the QB spot. Go figure. Really could use Martavis and Gates back, but the longer you hang in there, the better your chances. This team definitely projects to be better in the 2nd half of the season. Hopefully it's not too late for you.

7. Stanky Monkeys (1-0 - Last week 10): Forte, Cobb and Edelman actually looks like it's going to be a pretty awesome trio. Losing DeSean hurts, but having Pierre Garcon also on the roster certainly makes up for it. My concern with this team is the depth. The bench is pretty bare, and any more injuries could be disastrous. But bench points don't matter, and as long as the starters stay healthy, this team should remain pretty competitive. I'm certainly encouraged with the effort.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-1 - Last week 9): Ran into the Phil buzzsaw, and man does that hurt. Had a pretty respectable outing out of the gate, but it wasn't enough. Obviously made the wrong decision at QB, and turned down a trade that would have sent Rodgers and Kelce to TPG. King is certainly thanking you for not accepting this week. And also lost to a team that started two Raiders. That's the biggest slap in the dick of all. But I think TPG looked pretty solid. I think this team has some good young players that will continue to improve.

5. A Lot O'Tatz (0-1 - Last week 2): Lineup decisions have always eluded EEB's skill set. Got cute and went with Flacco against the Broncos. He was fucking garbage. Should've stuck with your boy Cam Newton. Now Hilton is banged up. You'll continue to struggle with lineup decisions and hold your team back. But I think eventually a couple guys emerge and you'll figure it out. I still think this team has a lot of potential, just don't expect Mark Ingram to have receiving numbers like that when Spiller is back.

4. Team BG (1-0 - Last week 4): Didn't see anything that would really change my opinion of this team. Got 2 pretty strong keepers in Hopkins and Landry and man did Carlos Hyde look good. And Demaryius had one of his worst games, so he should do nothing but improve. Would like to see a little more at the TE and Flex spots. The end of the bench looks a little thin, but getting LeGarrette back should be pretty good. And Brees is clearly going to throw a ton, as the Saints will be behind in pretty much every game.

3. Team Bartholomew (1-0 - Last week 8): Unloaded on the Pylons relentlessly. 2 TDs each from Hill and Eifert. A garbage Antonio Brown TD. A Broncos defensive TD. I had no shot. This team may prove to be better than initially expected, but you can't expect your Bengals to give you 50 points a week. I'm still concerned about the Vincent Jackson / Joseph Randle combo. If Jackson can't do anything with Mike Evans out, how will he when he returns? Also could benefit with Dez out by using Terrance Williams. I like what I see.

2. Pork Chop Express (1-0 - Last week 1): No man should have as many emotions about Keenan Allen as Ben does. OMG 15 RECEPTIONS!!!?!?!?!?@(Q#*%#& A very advanced stat called FPPT (or fantasy points per target), confirms that Keenan Allen finished just 11th among WRs on Sunday. He had a good game. For the amount of targets he saw, he arguably should have done better. I'm not a fan of drafting players from all terrible teams, so we'll see how that plays out. I still like your team, but we'll see. You and EEB both struggle with lineup decisions.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (1-0 - Last week 5): I don't understand the team name. Who's Cecil? Cecil Shorts? I agree he had it coming. I just don't see how this team is not the favorite at this point. The Gronk/Witten TE combo is going to be huge all year. Alshon and Amari and Foster and Cruz coming back. And Big Ben at QB. We'll see how it goes, but I'm certainly encouraged. After Gronk's 2nd TD, Phil told me to get his name engraved on the trophy. That's some big talk for the first week, but I'll be damned if he hasn't backed it up.


I'm already ready for more football. Give it to me! Just no DFS. Here's who we've got, with Power Rankings attached.

#1 Cecil Had It Coming v. #4 Team BG
#2 Pork Chop Express v. #12 Dueling Pylons
#3 Team Bartholomew v. #8 Bo$$town Cutter
#5 A Lot O'Tatz v. #13 Tweeting in the Trenches
#6 Tequila Party Gnomes v. #7 Stanky Monkeys
#9 TWINECTOMY v. #10 The Old Ball Sack
#11 The King's Crusaders v. #14 Geno 911

Of course after ranking King #13, he's on track to go 2-0. I need something. No yelling at the TV in frustration. We'll see how that goes. Looking forward to another good week.

EFFL Season 11 off to Fantastic Start

Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't even get home and put the damn rosters in. I couldn't have been more excited to draft Meech Nelson with Meech in attendance. It was a proud moment. And not even 24 hours after the draft, the Pylons are already down a 2nd round pick to a torn ACL. Add to that the fact that I chose Todd Gurley in the 3rd round, and I already can't start my 2nd or 3rd round pick in week 1. Pylons are already on the ropes.

But I'm not here to complain. I'm here to entertain.

Chris Fusco, at 2 AM, was screaming HELP IS ON THE WAY!!! from Mrs. Doubtfire for some reason. But so much noise went down prior to that.

2015 Pukers: 2. Adam Cutter continues his impressive streak of puking at every draft. And again was found in bed this morning with moans of "WHY ME?!?!?!?". But we have a new member to add to the list, and a first. Puking actually at the draft. Gambino took a shot, and that baby came right back up all over the floor of the Crow's Nest. He then tried to play it off like it didn't actually happen, but it did. Surprisingly nobody else did, but we did almost lose a man.

I must say I think everyone really enjoys outdoor drafts. Having a nice view of the Ben Franklin Bridge to me is much more exciting than being tucked in the bowels of a bar. And the Crow's Nest worked out perfectly. We had Mike Y bouncing with vigor. And a special thanks to Matt Atallian, who did yeoman's work maintaining the draft board. Always an unenviable task.

At some point Matt had had enough. Enough stickers. Enough carrying around the draft board. I ensured him with 100% certainty that I had all of the picks in the Google Doc I was maintaining. I did not. 3 rounds were missing, and those names got ripped off fast and furious. It's safe to say I did an absolutely awful job of transcribing. The following players were selected:

- Knife Davis
- Maxx Willaims
- At Louis Rams
- Stefan Bailey
- Ha quiz Rodgers
- Sebastian Janitor Ski
- Brent Celeb
- We'd Welker
- Fan Carpenter
- Jimmy Garrick's
- Kai for bath
- Lions E
- Danny amen sola

and the absolute best

- Sgeban Riey

It was absolute insanity. I'm not sure about the order of things, but these things all happened:

Dosh Whye was tossed from Morgan's Pier due to making threatening statements. He told two bros that he was going to "give them a twinectomy". Never heard that term before. I also have no recollection of this and have no idea what started the beef.

A bunch of drunk assholes stumbled into Dave & Buster's. EEB spent a good $40 on a game card, which was good enough for 45 games of basketball. He still has a majority of that left.

A female grabbed a drink held by Chris Fusco and started drinking it. He was subsequently accosted by a jealous boyfriend. Shocker.

Things then spilled out onto the street where a number of images were taken.

Things just progressed further and further downhill. At some point the decision was made to get Crown Fried Chicken. A fried chicken place in a city at 1 AM is sure to bring out the best that Philadelphia has to offer. In the meantime, Lobitz vanished. Just took off by himself and was gone for awhile. Nobody knows what he had against the chicken place, but he was subsequently located approximately 20 minutes later.

I don't know if you've ever had Crown, but it was fucking amazing. I practically bathed in that delicious recipe. All I could think of was Ricky Rozay's Instagram where he commonly writes "fat boy needs a 10 piece". I couldn't agree more. There was chicken all over the hotel room. Cutty was repeatedly pegged in bed with chicken as he was blazing wax. It was amazing.

"I will not move to a smaller room" - Borat

It was an epic draft and as usual, I don't remember much after the middle rounds. Winner will pick draft location next year, which I will be happy to plan. I'll also continue to look for outdoor locations, as it worked extremely well and we had a perfect day. Thanks again to everyone for coming and traveling.


Beef of the Week: Amtrak

I already have beef. On the way back from the draft, our Amtrak train died. They had to bring in another one that didn't have enough room for everyone. It took almost 4 hours to return to Long Island and poor Cutter had to then drive back to Boston. But being delayed wasn't as bad as the people on the train.

Mothers screaming at their toddlers "SHUT THE FUCK UP". A two-year old was standing up on a seat and yelling to nobody in particular "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?" Yelling. Amtrak needs to raise their damn prices. And people are terrible. What a brutal experience.


Before we get into the post-draft power rankings, I'll be releasing the EFFL Week 1 schedule. I'll post the schedule on the site soon, but here's how each team will match up.

Stanky Monkeys v. Geno 911
Tweeting in the Trenches v. Bo$$town Cutter
Team Bartholomew v. Dueling Pylons
Team BG v. Dosh Willie Whye
The King's Crusaders v. Big Brother's Bitch
Tequila Party Gnomes v. Team Imbesi
A Lot O'Tatz v. Pork Chop Express


Power Rankings - I've also recommended some team names

These rankings are entirely subjective. Sorry.to those who are offended.

14. Geno 911 - I don't think anyone is surprised to see me ranking a Gambino team this low. Last 5 picks: Kicker in 12th round, defense in 13th round, Kellen Clemens, Chase Daniel, Nick Toon. And those picks were probably better than the rest. Got the top pick and didn't take the top player. Sheer panic at the thought of picking someone else's keeper. Two starting running backs have a combined age of 59. #1 receiver isn't even the #1 on his own team. I'm sure will win a couple games, but damn. Puked on the floor and had the worst draft in possibly unrelated incidents.

Playoff Odds: 10%

13. The King's Crusaders - Surely this has to be shocking to see King this low. But I do not think he drafted well. Aaron Rodgers will keep him competitive, but he's already lost his top receiver. Jimmy Graham is probably overrated as Russell Wilson doesn't throw the ball. I'm not a believer in TJ Yeldon. And the receivers are questionable at best. Remains to be seen how Stefan Bailey will pan out. I think King has some work to do.

Playoff Odds: 30%

12. Dueling Pylons - Taking the Jordy Nelson injury into account here. I really liked the roster, but losing a top player is going to hurt. There's still some good meat here in Watkins, Cooks, and Luck, but there are a ton of young players. Likely will be better by the end of the season, but this team could start in too big a hole to get back from. It just sucks to have the 15th overall pick on your team for 12 hours and then blow his knee out.

Playoff Odds: 35%

11. Twinectomy - Speaking of old, Dosh's first two picks are a combined 70 years old. Not that they are bad players, but there's definitely risk that they don't perform to their potential. Likely paid prices from years ago. I actually like Evans, Marty B and the Alfred Morris pick. But after that it really went downhill. Should end up in the mix, but I'd lean towards this team missing the playoffs.

Playoff Odds: 40%

10. Stanky Monkeys - I'm actually a fan of the strategy to grab a bunch of receivers, and the guys you got are pretty solid. But putting a ton of stock in a running back who's about to hit 30. And behind that, you don't have any starting running backs. How do you take Tebow in the 11th round? That's so bad lol. Like Dosh, I think you'll be on the fringe, but I'm leaning out for now.

Playoff Odds: 45%

9. Tequila Party Gnomes - It'll take you about 3 weeks to realize Russell Wilson only has good fantasy games when Seattle loses. And you'll have him on the bench. Most infuriating fantasy player, and you'll switch to Rivers so quick. Thought Joique was a reach, but I like the Melvin Gordon pick. Like the Charles Johnson, Stills, and Seferian-Jenkins picks. Should definitely be right there for a playoff spot.

Playoff Odds: 50%

8. Team Bartholomew - Pretty close with TPG. I always like your late picks better than your early ones. I know you like your website, but Brandon Coleman in the 5th round was just ridiculous. You could've gotten him 8 rounds later. But Antonio Brown and Jeremy Hill together is always going to have you competitive. And if the Niners suck, Kaepernick may prove to be a pretty good pick. I think there are better teams. I think there are worse teams.

Playoff Odds: 50%

7. Tweeting in the Trenches - I think this is actually pretty generous. You basically couldn't screw up Le'Veon and Odell, yet you screwed up mostly every other pick. Only wound up with 4 Giants despite picking them all in the first 10 rounds. You also picked two players in the first 5 rounds who are suspended to start the season, but having Staffy-Poo was a good choice. You got him way late. If you find some WW gems, you could do well with those big boys.

Playoff Odds: 50%

6. Sheetz Himself - Spent too much time bouncing and probably should have done better. You still ended up with a good amount of solid players, but you basically ended up with all the guys people think are big risks at RB. I think you wound up with pretty reasonable depth which always helps in a big league like this. Also selected back-to-back Johnsons which is hilarious. I know you're a fan of two Johnsons together.

Playoff Odds: 55%

5. Guido Express - I just don't see how Phil winds up without the word Guido in his team name. For a first timer, had a pretty good draft. Grabbing Foster and Cruz is definitely risky, but I really like your other surrounding players. Big Ben could easily be a top 5 QB. Love the top 3 of Gronk, Alshon, Cooper. But you might have some big problems at RB. Foster is out until at least mid-season, so must start one from McFadden, Freeman, DeAngelo. That might not be all that bad.

Playoff Odds: 60%

4. Fear the Beard - BG did very well. Demaryius was my #1 WR. Getting Hopkins and Landry to complement him is probably the top receiver trio in the league. Also picked up perennial favorite LeGarrette Blount, which is fun. I think much of the success here depends on Carlos Hyde. You know what you're getting with Brees, so if Hyde develops into a top RB, this is definitely a playoff team no question. Also got pretty good depth, which is big.

Playoff Odds: 65%

3. The Waxman Cometh - I really like what Cutty did at the draft as far as picking players. I can't find a problem with any of the picks until Gio. And even at that point, it's really not a bad pick. If you had taken a QB in the 7th or 8th round instead of waiting, you'd probably be the favorite. I know you love Texans D, but still. Eli, Cam Newton, Bradford, and plenty of other QBs out there would have made this team look much better. I think you've got a pretty good shot to make the playoffs.

Playoff Odds: 65%

2. Keeper Police - Got waaaaay too focused on the keepers. Your face after selecting Mark Ingram in the 2nd round was absolutely priceless. Went from happy, happy, happy to sheer terror. Looked like you'd seen a ghost. Getting Cam Newton so late was an absolute steal. The Eagles combo is going to work out real well for you, and I think you kept making solid picks after the one blunder. The pick I probably like least is Colby Lattimore, but really just nitpicking at this point. I would be pretty surprised to see you miss the playoffs.

Playoff Odds: 70%

1. Just Murrayed - It's probably not the wisest move to pick 2 QBs coming off ACL injuries. But if the numbers are to be believed (12% chance of re-injury), there's a 98.5% chance that you don't lose both of them. I liked your team before, and the Jordy injury just sent your team to the top of my list with Davante Adams. Somehow you only picked 4 WRs, but they're all solid. Also very solid at RB, and if the Murrays deliver, will certainly be one of the toughest teams to beat. I'm usually critical of your squads, but I think you did a real nice job here. I think you'll be back in the playoffs.

Playoff Odds: 75%


It's good to be back. The blog is back. The EFFL is back. Be aware that the first waiver run is Tuesday, so if you want to put in a claim, do it before end of day Monday. As always, waiver order starts as inverse draft order. When you make a waiver claim you go to the bottom of the list. All players become free agents after waivers run.

Hope you enjoyed the preview, and if you have extra funny pictures or funny stories from the draft, be sure to post them in the comments. Will try to set something up on Sundays for more interaction. Nothing is better than talking trash on league mates. Also if you have not yet paid, please PayPal me league fees as soon as possible. Looking forward to the season despite already being down a knee ligament.