Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Tha Blog is Hot



I know I haven't ripped Scott Hanson enough this year. I'm sorry. He's got at least 4 gems each week that make you think "how is this guy still on air?" This week was a great one. Bears player fumbles at the goal line and John Fox challenges the runner got into the end zone. Turns out, he screwed himself and it resulted in a turnover.

Hanson, meanwhile, was not having any of it. Commenting on the challenge, your on-air host quips "this is becoming one of the most IRRITATING plays in all of football. It seems we have one of these plays every week." The dude fumbled before reaching the goal line. The ball came out of his hands and hit the pylon. Clear touchback. How is that irritating.

At another point he also apologized to the audience for "laying the sarcasm on too thick". Dude is such a clown. I hope NFL Network goes with someone else next year.

Anyway, on to more important things:




I've been waiting for this all season. A power bomb from a black guy in Bills Mafia. This is the best video all season. There was also a streaker in Buffalo! It's exactly as you'd expect. An extremely hairy guy that looks like he went to WVU. I'm not posting that here.





Guy goes to every home game dressed as a damn pineapple! 



Brock Osweiler is back:


That's pretty much all that happened this week. I'm still not buying Rams as legitimate. I think the league is wide open.


Beef of the Week: ESPN Fantasy App

In the most obvious and deserved BOTW ever, ESPN decided at some point this week "hey, we mandate users watch an ad for 15 seconds on desktop. We're missing an opportunity on mobile!"

You open the app. BAM! Immediately you have to watch a full length movie just to see your fantasy score. This is a terrible idea. It takes all of 10 seconds to check your fantasy score. Watching a 15 second ad in order to use the app for 10 seconds makes no sense whatsoever.

Why do something that is just guaranteed to piss off every single one of your users? So stupid.


Bonus! I will have pictures and video from Saints tailgate for the blog next week. Also, remember that nobody can be kept that is added after this week.

It's time to flip over to the playoff standings, because things are so wide open.

10 teams (10!) have either 5 or 6 wins. 2 more teams have 4 wins. This is going to come down to Week 13. It's a mathematical certainty.

6-3-1

The King's Crusaders
Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets

Teams with the same record, tied for first, but with unbelievably different rosters. Phil keeps pulling out wins. Woody keeps trying to live up to the early season dominance. Did he peak too soon? Have the rookies hit the wall? It seems like there's no way Woody can miss the playoffs. Phil could still qualify, as he's a game and a half up. 1 more win may be enough. 7-5-1 usually gets in.


6-4

Pork Chop Express - Finally got it together. Wentz, AB, Thomas, and Diggs is going to be tough down the stretch.

Tequila Party Gnomes - Another team putting their money where their mouth is. DeAndre Hopkins is an absolute stud. Didn't realize just how many points he's scored.

Geno 911 - Actually has good players. Usually near the bottom in points, this team can seriously make the playoffs and make some noise.

Team Bartholomew - Seems like every week someone steps up. Over the mid-season struggle, and seems to be poised for a stretch run. Tough final 3, however.


5-5

Cash Me Out Wide - Most inconsistent team in the league. Puts up 140 one week, puts up 80 the next. This type of team is always dangerous yet rarely wins it all.

Tweeting in the Trenches - Hasn't really found the magic yet and has work to do. Freeman is concussed. Russell Wilson is concussed. Murray is wearing down. The Bears suck. Where are the points coming from?

The Old Ball Sack - Jarvis Landry saved you in garbage time. I won't complain because I needed the help. Still think this team is leaning more towards out than in.

Team BG - Rough loss against Mike Y. King, DP, and TITTY to bring it home is not going to be easy. Don't worry though. The rain's gonna wash it away, I believe it.


4-6

Dueling Pylons - 4th in points scored. 11th in the standings. What else is new? Took a number of brutal losses this season. Should put up points, but will it be enough.

A Lot O'Tatz - UJ threw water on your boner, and you're running out of options. Phil and Cutter before a showdown with the King could keep you in it.


3-7

Bo$$town Cutter - On his last legs. One more loss will officially eliminate you. Must win out to even have a shot. Not looking good.


2-8

x - Stanky Monkeys - It was a rough 2017 for Lou, and this team has been officially eliminated from playoff contention. Cracked 100 points in 3 of 10 weeks. We'll see you at the draft next year.


So with 3 weeks to play, we know... nothing! 7-6 almost definitely will be good enough to get in with everyone beating up on each other. 6-7 may even be enough, but we'll see.

The Patriots are also "at Oakland" in Mexico City, so YO SOY FIESTA!


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Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Blogalicious

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Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Who Has the Power?



Beef of the Week: No one man should have all that power! I just don't understand the whole Ezekiel Elliott thing. Him and Dak combined for over 70 points all in my grill. Fucking infuriating.

But I don't understand what is happening. How does Zeke always get a judge that rules in his favor? How does Goodell always get a judge that rules in his favor?

Let's look at the facts:




OK, now really let's look at the facts, with some nice bullet points

  • Triflin' ho screams at Zeke for wanting to bang other chicks
  • Law enforcement determines that there was nothing worthy of pressing charges
  • A year later, the NFL interrogates the woman regarding what she alleges Zeke did to her
  • NFL suspends Zeke
  • Zeke appeals and wins
  • NFL appeals and wins
  • Zeke appeals and wins
  • NFL appeals and wins
  • Zeke appeals and wins
This shit is ridiculous. A smart man here cuts his fucking losses. How much do you lose in game checks from being suspended 6 games? Seems like it's about $600k. Go pay this girl $200k if she tells the NFL she fabricated the whole story (which she almost certainly did). You play, you only lose 2 game checks instead of 6. Seems like a no brainer.

She won, bro. Take this L. She said she was gonna ruin your life, and she did not stop until you became a fat slob that can't even where his cutoff anymore. Beating up on San Fran ain't shit.

But Zeke is an idiot. This will not happen. I guarantee that this drags on. Ultimately the NFL is going to win. Zeke will be suspended, but not before giving it to me raw. 2 days later and I'm still sore. It got so bad that Pylons were out here pushing coaches


There were some GREAT videos this week.

How bout this lady rubbing on rookie Aaron Jones' junk:



Sammy Watkins caught fire:


FitzMagic got suplexed:



But how bout those Eagles? That's a good team! Maybe even the best in the NFC!

I've gotta admit, I was a little slow to get on board with Wentz. He was down with the like of Bortles, Flacco, Siemian, Case Keenum, and Osweiler in QB rating last year. After a 3-0 start, the Eagles had a horrendous run where they went 2-9. People forget that!

Dude's been legit in 2017, though. Escapability, accurate deep passing, guys who can catch the ball. It's been fun to watch, and anybody not on board yet has no excuse. Only team with 1 loss in the league. Football Outsiders gives the Birds a 41.9% chance of being the #1 seed, and a 66.3% chance of getting a bye. Might actually have a shot this year.


Power Rankings

 Another week in the books, and another week the King lays the hammer. Bad news for the lowly Pylons

1. The King's Crusaders (6-1) - Previous: 1
Nothing new to report. Loaded up on Jaguars and appears to be working.

2. Pork Chop Express (4-3) - Previous: 2
Shockingly only 4-3. Allowing by far the most points. I still think you're OK.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-3) - Previous: 4
The King of Monday night wins. Always seems to get it done on Monday night and looking very strong right now.

4. Cash Me Out Wide (4-3) - Previous: 7
I wouldn't say leaving Amari Cooper on the bench gets you votes for "GM of the year". Team is playing well. Nelson Agholor is a top 15 WR. How?!?!

5. Geno 911 (5-2) - Previous: 5
I'm concerned about your Packers. That Aaron Rodgers injury hurt you probably as much as it hurt me.

6. Team BG (4-3) - Previous: 6
Terrelle Pryor sucks something fierce, but OJ Howard waiting in the wings could be big. Done a decent job avoiding the injury bug thus far.

7. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4) - Previous: 3
Inconsistency is the biggest problem here. I still think you're OK with those RBs. Nothing new to report. Will be up and down.

8. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (5-2) - Previous: 14
Cowboys aren't going to play the Niners every week. I'm sure you'll put up 65 this week.

9. Bo$$town Cutter (2-5) - Previous: 8
Not sure what has happened here. I still think you've got a good roster, but just can't pick up any wins right now. I think you'll fight back, but running out of time.

10. The Old Ball Sack (3-4) - Previous: 10
Whole roster makes me cringe. I wouldn't feel confident throwing out anybody on your roster at this point other than Aaron Jones. That's saying something.

11. Team Bartholomew (3-4) - Previous: 9
Fallen on hard times. Like Cutter, I'm surprised with this record. I think your roster is better than the record indicates. Lost Beast Mode to a fight and a kicker to an injury. Ouch.

12. A Lot O'Tatz (2-5) - Previous: 12
Really gave it to Tatz. You and I are in the exact same boat. Lost a high pick to injury. Other top picks are performing. Getting absolutely nothing from anyone else.

13. Dueling Pylons (2-5) - Previous: 11
See: EEB. Would've beat 5 other teams. Still scoring some points, but it's just not enough right now. Needs to find some magic quickly and about to get smoked by a flame grilled whopper from the King.

14. Stanky Monkeys (2-5) - Previous: 13
You've gotta be frustrated. Players are just not scoring points right now. Haven't found the combination to put it all together.


Week 8 is likely going to be a turning point. A bunch of teams are on the verge of 6 losses, and that's really bad news. 7-6 may not get you into the playoffs. Things are starting to heat up. Good luck to everyone!
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Monday, October 16, 2017

Back on the Map



Yo, fuck this! That's now 3 of 14 teams to already have their first round pick lost for the season. And it sucks. I never, EVER draft a QB early. I finally decided to go for it and this is what happens. Sad Aaron Rodgers wheeled off the field for the final time in 2017.

Like a good neighbor... State Farm is thereeeeeeee. With a new collarbone! But it wasn't. I also didn't make that up. Same shit, different year. So many guys constantly get hurt in football. It's inevitable. But I just was not prepared for this.

It's like when Brady blew out his knee in 2008 on week 1 as I puked in a parking lot on Main Street in Newark, DE. Went and saw Finch with Matt at the Troc on Saturday night. Blew my pants off. What a show. After partying all night, I drove down to Grotto's to watch football. I was so fucked up on the turnpike. Don't even know why I went. I got to Grotto's, couldn't even muscle down a beer, watched Brady get bent in half by the Chiefs, ate half a slice of pizza as Matt and EEB laughed at me, then went and threw up in the parking lot and drove home.

I felt equally as sick yesterday. I'd argue that day in 2008 was the last day the NFL saw its best player get knocked out for the entire season. I don't know how to deal with this. I listened to the audio on Red Zone all day and couldn't even watch. But it's to be expected at this point. Just making it a bit more fair for the rest of the league.




Yuu HAVE to watch it with the sound. HAVE TO!


Absolute gold.

Here's some other fun stuff from the weekend:













PUT ME DOWN!!!

One of the things that I've found so crazy thus far is how inconsistent everything has been in the NFL has been. Literally no "expert" or even Vegas, knows what the hell is going on.

From resident oddsmaker TPG, the Delaware Park teasers went 13-11 this week. For reference that's a 12 point window around the spread for each of 12 games. Exactly 1 of the 12 games played Sunday had a final score in that 12 point window.

Look at what the ESPN guys did: http://www.espn.com/nfl/picks  - Straight up, the leader through Sunday had 6 of 13 picks correct. It's just a total crapshoot right now. Atlanta was the first 13+ point favorite to lose straight up in over 5 years.


Beef of the Week: The Steelers are dirty mother fuckers




Here it is in slow motion:



This is absolutely ridiculous. The Steelers always get away with this and there's a play like this almost every single week. Here's Ryan Shazier earlier this year:




There are plenty more like this, but this hit on Alex Smith is absolutely disgusting. Maybe I'm just a bit more sensitive to injuries, but I thought we were finally past the point of guys intentionally trying to hurt other players. We're not. Guy should be suspended for the entire regular season.


Power Rankings

 Things are a bit sorted, but not really. Still looks like the same two at the top with the rest of the field wide open. But first:

Gambino is 5-1!!! Has anybody else seen this?!?!? How is this possible?

1. The King's Crusaders (5-1) - Previous: 1
Despite finally losing, King is still at the top. Following the Chiefs. Hopefully they go in the tank soon.

2. Pork Chop Express (4-2) - Previous: 2
Just beat #1, but so did the Steelers. They're not the best team. Clear top 1-2 in the league as I've said all season.

I'll be honest.. Just wingin it from here on out.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-3) - Previous: 9
Seriously, who knows. Your RB trio is going to carry you. WRs leave a bit to be desired, but with Josh McCown at the helm, nothing to fear.

4. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-3)- Previous: 6
OH CAPTAIN!!! OH HENRY!!! I like the squad! I think your team has the arrow pointing up. Fitz and Cousins are carrying  you. Win turned into a blowout Monday night.

5. Geno 911 (5-1) - Previous: 8
I'm sure this is the highest I've ever had you. I don't believe it. Ertz is a stud though. Losing Odell hurts.

 6. Team BG (3-3) - Previous: 3
I still like your team. The Patriots combo is on fire now. Team has been putting up points. Could have something in Perine.

7. Cash Me Out Wide (3-3) - Previous: 14
I need a special power ranking for you that is outside the rankings. Point total by week: 73, 123, 55, 75, 135, 152. The variance on that is astronomical.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (2-4) - Previous: 5
Fallen on hard times. Outsmarted yourself leaving Carlos Hyde and the win on the bench in favor of Duke Johnson and biased homerism Mike Gillislee.

9. Team Bartholomew (3-3) - Previous: 4
Team age is really starting to show. But I still think your team could easily move up. You've avoided injuries and have 2 of the top 10 players in the league. Tough week with byes.

10. The Old Ball Sack (2-4) - Previous: 11
Team is in the shitter. Can't figure out who to start. Only bright spot is Deshaun Watson, and that run of good luck has to come to an end sometime.

11. Dueling Pylons (2-4) - Previous: 7
Ugh. Nothing more to say.

12. A Lot O'Tatz (1-5) - Previous: 12
Didn't realize how bad things had gotten. Defending champion SHAMED! Olsen is hurt. The Falcons look like trash without Kyle Shanahan. I don't know, man.

13. Stanky Monkeys (2-4) - Previous: 10
Snuck out a win, but things have not gotten better. Sammy Watkins is a ghost. Now Sanders is hurt. Matt Ryan has the same number of picks as INTs.

14. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (4-2) - Previous: 13
No way. If this team makes the playoffs, I will be stunned. Put up 71 points and got a win. Now Jameis is hurt too. I have to give you credit. Still picking up wins.


Hope you enjoyed the blog comeback. My apologies for the lapse last week. The standings are CLOSE!
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Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Karma Haunts Imbesi



BREAKING: Ezekiel Elliott wins injunction from Texas court. NFL barred from imposing suspension for duration of lawsuit (likely all season).

Thanks everyone for Zeke and DJ. Where do you want me to pick where our draft party is next year?


These are the words sent from one Phil Imbesi on September 8th, right before the season began. Since that fateful email went out, Phil has lost David Johnson, C.J. Fiedorowicz, Dalvin Cook, Jordan Matthews, Michael Crabtree, and Davante Adams was almost decapitated. Zeke has his suspension looming still. Team is in absolute shambles.

I have to admit. I'm upset about Dalvin. Guy looked good and was really fun to watch. As soon as he got up and went over and hugged coach Zimmer, I knew he was done. There's work to be done.

Also, I've decided the blog will be published on Tuesday nights from now on. I'm tired of having an incomplete picture just to get the blog out. Deal with it.

Monday night was wild. Not just because Travis Kelce, chief douchebag did this:


But, in case you missed it, arguably the worst bad beat I've ever seen. And in true hilarious fashion, Lobitz had Redskins +7. Watch this final play:


That's BRUTAL. The clock was on 0:00 for at least 10 seconds. Absolutely disgusting. That's the type of shit that happens on Monday nights. It's a miracle it didn't swing a fantasy game in the EFFL.

But my favorite.. FAVORITE moment from Sunday was this absolute EXPLOSION from Philip Rivers


What in the world is he yelling into his helmet? Best "caption this" in the comments will be featured in a one-on-one interview for the blog next week.

You know who really sucks? Ben McAdoo. Guy tried to channel his inner Jim Mora "Playoffs?!?!? I'm just trying to win a damn game!" It didn't work. He should resign and save us all the misery. Get back to BBQs and power tools. I'm not going to post the clip. It sucks.

This is how you really don't care.


Football has provided tremendous enjoyment this year. Parlays have been terrible, but oh well. Seems like there's some incredible stuff happening every week, but...

Beef of the Week: Doug Pederson

It's a miracle Doug has escaped this long. REFUSES. REFUSES to give LeGarrette Blount the ball. It was so bad last week that the crowd cheered every time he got on the field. I don't understand why it's so hard to feed your horse. He's running over everyone.

4 PM games are dangerous. I was hammered before the game even started. This led to a lot of yelling. More like pleading. I lost count of how many times I screamed "PLEASE DOUG! PLEASE!"

Then this FINALLY happened:


I lost my shit. As he's rumbling I immediately burst into the Big Lebowski bit "DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS?!?!? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS LARRY?!?!?!" I didn't even try to change it to Doug. I stopped myself short of screaming "when you fuck a stranger in the ass" in the middle of a crowded bar. That's the loudest I've yelled for a sporting event in at least 5 years. It was glorious. There must be more of that.


Power Rankings

1. The King's Crusaders (4-0) - Previous: 1
Could this be a runaway. Preseason #1 King is obliterating the competition. 572 points to date. Only one other team is over 450. Must be nice.

2. Pork Chop Express (3-1) - Previous: 2
Got banged by Terrelle Pryor Sr. Have another one of those weeks and you could fall. Still OK for now.

3. Team BG (3-1) - Previous: 5
Team finally looks like it's coming together despite Derek Carr breaking his back. Solid, unspectacular team that could surprise.

4. Team Bartholomew (2-2) - Previous: 4
Gurley looks like a total stud, which moves you up in my book. The Gurley-AJ combo may be the best 1-2 in the league. Tough loss this week.

5. Bo$$town Cutter (2-2) - Previous: 3
I'm seeing a few cracks. Team scored less than 100 points despite over 40 from the kicker and defense. Played a tough schedule thus far, so should pick it up soon.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-2) - Previous: 6
Team is starting to come alive. Hitching the wagon to the Redskins looks OK so far. Alvin Kamara could become a real player.

7. Dueling Pylons (1-3) - Previous: 12
Finally got in the win column. DP is right in the middle of the pack in points scored despite the slow start. Team has improved each week, which has to count for something.

8. Geno 911 (3-1) - Previous: 9
Can't believe you're 3-1. First time since 2013. I think you could potentially move up. Team is playing well. 

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-2) - Previous: 10
Another team I feel is solid, but unspectacular. Consistently improving and the 3 RBs haven't bit the dust yet. Still massively concerned about WRs.

10. Stanky Monkeys (1-3) - Previous: 11
Welcome to Sammy Watkins hell. 2 points in a critical game?!? Never seen that one before. Team is healthy just very inconsistent. Should be in it all the way.

11. The Old Ball Sack (1-3) - Previous: 13
Someone had to be the best of the worst. Other than Jordy Nelson, team is really struggling. Perhaps DeShaun Watson can rescue you. Not looking good.

12. A Lot O'Tatz (1-3) - Previous: 8
Not sure where you can turn. Alshon and Julio just are not delivering at stud levels. RBBC sucks the BBC. Might be time to burn that waiver priority to get a good player.

13. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (2-2) - Previous: 7
Probably a bit harsh, but this is more about who's left standing on your squad. Good news is you already have some wins under your belt.

14. Cash Me Out Wide (1-3) - Previous: 14
I have no idea what's going on with this team. 326 points scored through 4 games. Drafted QBs in rounds 5, 6 and 7 and cut all 3 before Week 4. That's not a recipe for success. Amari Cooper is terrible.


Been a wild ride thus far. Last place and 2nd place are separated by all of 2 games, which makes things fun. Looking forward to more wild yelling this Sunday. Good luck everyone.
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Monday, September 25, 2017

This Son of a Bitch is Ice Cold!

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Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Celebrations Are Back!

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Tuesday, September 12, 2017

NFL is BACK! Let's Go!!!!

Welcome to 2017




It should be mandatory that the Bills are at home in Week 1 of every season. We also should consider doing the draft in Buffalo the night before, abandoning all guys playing the first Thursday night, and tailgate for the game Sunday.

What else was #BillsMafia up to Sunday?



Casual wedding. Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh (the bo$$, the bo$$).




It was a very wild football Sunday despite the unbelievable lack of points. I actually found myself yelling something I don't believe I ever yelled before on a Sunday.

After an Eagles TD to extend their lead to 11, Doug Pederson decides to go for 2, sending me into an absolute frenzy. I'm SCREAMING

"TIME OUT!!! SOMEBODY HELP HIM!! DOUG!! NO!!! SOMEBODY GAVE HIM THE WRONG CHART!! HELP HIM!!" Despite my yelling, he refused to cease. The Eagles went for two and ultimately got it. But it's still the wrong call. Details emerged Monday afternoon that the Eagles' idiot kicker injured himself and was unavailable. As BG put it, "The sad thing is that everyone assumed he was that dumb". That's who we've got. At least he's not Ben McAdoo. This guy:




The best performance of Sunday, however, was the wizardry of Tony Romo. You have to listen to this. Absolute must.




Interesting conversation at work today, that got me thinking. Somebody asked another guy if he saw the games yesterday. Guy responds "I'm boycotting the NFL It's a bad product. I saw the scores though." So you're... not boycotting? If you're looking at scores and know who won and who lost, you're interested.

As much as I've complained about football being terrible in the past, nobody is giving up the NFL. Doesn't matter how many guys turn into vegetables. Every Texans tight end was concussed on Sunday. Doesn't matter how many penalties they call. Doesn't matter that there are probably 15 serviceable QBs on 32 teams. The stadiums are always packed. Fans are animals. There was a Browns party at the bar I was at. A guy had to be CARRIED OUT of the bar at 3:10 PM. That's insane! That's how bad people want football.

I mean, look at Dosh at the BC game on Saturday:



Guy can't get enough he's so hype.

Friday morning, the league had their email spammed by 2016 runner-up and 2017 #1 pick holder, Phil Imbesi. He was crowing, if you will. Ezekiel Elliott had been cleared of wrongdoing by a court, claiming his employer couldn't suspend him for pulling out a woman's titty mere seconds before she intended to do the same thing. Or was it the false allegations by a jealous ex. I don't know. But apparently this revelation led Phil to believing he was destined for a title.

How does karma bite back? David Johnson, #1 overall pick. Injured. Could be out for the season. I love the guy. I had him last year. But that's some karma right there. Never count your chickens before they hatch in the EFFL.

Look at this headline:

http://www.rotoworld.com/headlines/nfl/362741/rams-extend-face-of-franchise-johnny-hekker?ls=roto:NFL:topheadlines

"Rams extend face of franchise Johnny Hekker". He's the fucking punter! This team has #1 overall pick from last year Jared Goff. They have Todd Gurley. They have Sammy Watkins (fuck you). And the face of the franchise is the punter?!?!? That tells you all you need to know about the state of the Rams. You can also look at pictures of their attendance, which is terrible.

It's time

Beef of the Week: Al Michaels

I know what you're thinking: This can't be the beef of the week again. It can't be true. Oh, but it is. The same fucking thing every year. Giants Sunday night game. He refuses to pronounce the word Manning correctly. Just refuses to do it! It's deja vu all over again. They have a video package where every player introduces himself to the millions of drunk fans watching. He pronounces his own name exactly how it's pronounced. And then Al Michaels just continues to say it differently for the duration of the game.

It's wrong! I just don't understand. What's your name? Matt Atallian. Alright, we've got Matt Himalayan here. How does he not get in trouble for this?

But Mr. Himalayan and I talked. The NBC Cris and Al broadcast has truly gotten so stale to the point of unwatchable. Michaels is senile and offers absolutely nothing in the way of understanding. Collinsworth has the same stupid comments week after week. The jingle sucks. I don't care for Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk. Tony Dungy is bland. Rodney Harrison is bland. It's just a poor broadcast all around, and if anyone starts someone during Sunday Night Football against me, you will immediately be docked in the power rankings.

And what the fuck is ESPN doing? Going from Donovan McNabb to Rex Ryan in a span of 3 minutes? How is this possible?A

Power Rankings

 I'm gonna keep it short this year. Power Rankings always take the most time to write as I say the same shit about your team week after week.

1. The King's Crusaders (1-0) - Previous: 1
Best team heading into the season performed the best. No reason to reconsider.

2. Pork Chop Express (1-0) - Previous: 6
I said it was risky. But before the guys get injured, it looks good. Same as every year. I'll move you down as more guys get hurt.

3. Team Bartholomew (1-0) - Previous: 9
I may have been a bit harsh. But probably correct. Like Ben, I expected you to be strong to start. Gurley and Lynch looked like a good combo so far.

4. Bo$$town Cutter (1-0) - Previous: 3
Lost Ajayi in Week 1 to Irma and still looked good. Didn't even get a solid performance from Brady. Still like it.

5. Old Ball Sack (0-1) - Previous: 12
Some players with potential. Got slammed by Woody. That sucks. I think you'll be OK.

6. Dueling Pylons (0-1) - Previous: 4
Felt like a really shitty performance despite being near the top or middle of points for the week. Things should get better.

7. A Lot O'Tatz (0-1) - Previous: 11
Another season-ending injury already. Just a bad week. I think you have plenty of good players.

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-1) - Previous: 5
Living and dying with the Redskins. Rawls is just about back. Gruden loves Kamara. Still could use some help via waiver wire.

9. Tiny Hands (1-0) - Previous: 8
I need to analyze this team going forward. No David Johnson and not getting 30 points from a defense is going to put a big dent in this team.

10. Team BG (1-0) - Previous: 7
Same as Phil. Losing Allen Robinson sucks. But the Patriots will probably be better in every single game. Carr looked good. Pryor looked good.

11. QB Carousel (0-1) - Previous: 2
I have no clue what I was looking at after the draft. I think there are going to be a lot of weeks where you fail to break 80 points. It's 10:30 PM Monday night, and your 3 QBs have combined for 9 fantasy points.

12. TITTY (0-1) - Previous: 10
Snead suspended. Now Woodhead out for a long time. Chris Hogan and Eric Decker is not going to get it done. And if DeMarco is washed up, could be in a world of hurt. I'm concerned.

13. Geno 911 (1-0) - Previous: 13
Team was just as bad as expected. I love that your opponent, with you in Peru, was able to change his lineup, but you were not.

14. Stanky Monkeys (0-1) - Previous: 14
Eddie Lacy is already benched. Brandon Marshall was, in fact, a bad pick. I remain concerned with so many players on bad teams.


We'll be back with more blog next week. Hope you enjoyed your morning commute or BM.

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Monday, August 28, 2017

EFFL Draft - 2017


Wow. That's really all I can say. The EFFL Draft of 2017 will go down as one of those legendary evenings. Thank you to everyone for coming, and I hope you all had as much fun as I did.

We also should look at a couple thing's for next year's draft.

  • Keep the weekend before Labor Day free
  • Drafting outdoors is far better than drafting indoors
  • Bring back the index cards for keepers
  • Do something about a time limit or just get more than 3 hours. Time goes so quick.

I'm going to get right into my feelings on each team and the performance of each owner. You should read them all.

Harambe was Set Up - Phil snagged the first overall pick. You could see the excitement building as each pick was unveiled. The first pick was set to rip a shot, so once it got down to the final two, in classic Phil fashion:

Phil: Woody, do you want to hedge on the shot?
Woody: What do you mean?
Phil: I have no idea

Overall, a decent draft. Did well with your two keepers in Crabtree and Adams, but my biggest concern for your team is can you survive while Zeke is out. If you do get into the playoffs, having him and David Johnson is going to be big. Also concerned about lack of upside. Overall, decent.

Draft Grade: B-


The King's Crusaders - Received a text at 8:30 AM "back in Myrtle Beach". Turns out, Woody pulled an all-nighter and didn't leave the blackjack tables after the fight until it was time to leave! I also admire your commitment to watching the fight in a basement.

I thought your Tyreek Hill/Fournette combo at the 2/3 turn was a reach, but I think you made up for it elsewhere. Eifert and Parker could be big players. Kareem Hunt now looks like he's got a clear shot. 5 rookies is a lot, but I think it was a good move. Only major question is at QB. You never know which Stafford you're going to get. But it's always fun to be in for a heavy dose of Cooter.

I like your team. I think you're clearly one of the favorites.

Draft Grade: A


EEB SON - Hahahahahahahah. What a roller coaster for this guy. Tatz, EEB and I had lunch together at Tony's Baltimore Grill. As we chatted football, I got the sense that he was unaware. Something about his tone. The draft proceeded. EEB was ruffling feathers throughout the league. Constantly whispering in each person's ear "you have to take his keeper". Karma was coming for you.

Walks up to the board, puts the sticker on... Julian Edelman. Chatter started to grow... Who's going to tell him? How long do we wait to tell him? Once finally notified, the look of absolute horror spread across his face. Your classic "What have I done?!?!?" That sucks.

I think you've put together a decent squad, but I do think you need some work if you're gonna repeat. Alshon has been so injury prone, and I hope he stays healthy. I still have no clue why you didn't keep Doug Baldwin.

Draft Grade: C


Pork Chop Express - Denied service at a bar for being too old.

Was screaming "DON'T LEAVE" at me on the phone before he even arrived. I think this may have been the least drunk you've been during a draft to date. I don't think it paid off.

Your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th round picks played 1 NFL game last season combined. Your 5th round pick is suspended for the first 3 games of the season. It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Can't beef w Antonio Brown, though. I think you'll be OK, but this is by far the riskiest team out there.

Draft Grade: B-


Gambino - As is frequently the case, the most intoxicated at the draft. I have literally no clue what happened to this dude after 11 PM. None.

This was your standard Gambino draft. About the 6th round I try to assess who has done the worst. It's always obvious. You're right. You didn't mess up the Odell pick. It's going to be the same story as every year. Signs of life early in the year, followed by injuries to every one of your players.

You're gonna hit the bye weeks and Moncrief, Cobb, and Mike Wallace are going to be injured. Someone will play you as you start Gio Bernard, Laquon Treadwell and Seth Roberts. Ty Montgomery in the 2nd round is pretty bold. Odell and Cam should keep you afloat for awhile. My hopes are low.

Draft Grade: D+


Tatzbite - Now you know how it feels! 6th round pick shredded his ACL 12 hours after the draft. I'm really torn on your team. On the surface it seems like you should have a strong team, but Gurley and Beast Mode could wind up being a handicap.

Your depth concerns me most. I think you'll start off OK, but must be active on the waiver wire. To me it just looks like the booze kicked in around the Roethlisberger pick. After that, I'm not liking too much. I'm in wait and see. If your RBs perform, you'll be fine.

Draft Grade: C+


Stanky Monkeys - I also appreciate your passion to see the fight. That was quite a struggle!

It was the 3rd round this year. Earlier than usual. The infamous Sarcone Straw Poll made its way through Harry's. Brandon Marshall taken way too early. A snicker here. A jeer there.

"Do you think that was a bad pick?" As league members were being polled, the doubt started to creep in. Immediate damage control. Receivers w the next two picks. Ended up with a total of 2 running backs on the roster and they're both over 250 w dreads.

I'm concerned. I think this could go south quickly. Desperately need Mike Evans to stay healthy. Definitely work to do.

Draft Grade: D


TPG - Immediate panic mode. Couldn't get off the phone for his first pick, and once he regrouped, realized he violated Rule #1 with pick #1. Looked absolutely crushed after that pick lol.

I do think you rebounded nicely, however. Good depth at RB is always a good thing. Love that your QB is Cousins. Putting all your eggs in Redskins and Bills is incredible. Also love that you drafted an equal number of defenses and wide receivers.

Given some of the other rosters, I actually think you did pretty decent. Just need to get some help on the wire. Stay active and you'll be in good shape.

Draft Grade: B


D-Sheetz - Such a Mike Y team. 3 white wide receivers. I don't have beef with taking two WRs to start, but taking two older WRs is risky. I'm sure you'll roll out your Browns and Jets RBs and somehow sneak into the playoffs.

Also, what the fuck did you do to the trophy? Thing was practically coming apart as it got passed to EEB. For the love of God stop letting your children play with the trophy!!!

I think you'll make up for it, but right now I think your team sucks.

Draft Grade: C-


Dueling Pylons - Made up for the past two years of having to draft for multiple people at the same time in a big way. Went into this draft fully intending to not remember the second half of it, and boy did I succeed.

To further this plan, I traded away all my picks to Cutter and gave up after round 8. I still can't complain. No depth whatsoever, but starting lineup has to be considered one of the best in the league. Not much else to say other than a rough gambling night across the board. I was still drunk at 7 PM Sunday.

Draft Grade: B


Billz Mo$$ - Set the tone by checking out some drunk big booty at the beach bar while hitting the pen. Word on the street is you also tore up the pool bar. That was the right, and cheaper, call.

I have never seen so many running backs drafted by one team. I liked TY and Martavis as a top two. I don't like Markus Wheaton and Sanu to fill the team. I actually think you did a pretty nice job. It'll be good for you to actually have guys who aren't suspended to start the season for a change. I feel like that's been your undoing, just waiting for guys to return.

I also appreciate you refusing to quit drafting despite having a full roster. Picking up an extra two picks, you should have abandoned your 15th and 16th round picks. Not only did that not happen, you continued to draft in the 17th and 18th rounds, amassing 20 players, and having to cut 4 guys just for me to enter your roster on the site. Awfully impressive. I think you're among the best.

Draft Grade: B+


Dosh - Where to start. You're your own worst enemy. "We're getting 2 for 1 lap dances!" at 6 PM. All you had on the brain was late night. You actually used Pic Stitch to put together a picture of a strip club ticket stub. There are 11 Yelp reviews of that place. One person was drugged, one was robbed.

At some point along the way, things went south. Eli Manning in the 5th round. Then Andrew Luck in the 6th round brought lots of laughter. Then you took ANOTHER QB in the 7th round! I've truly never seen anything like it. And that's the honest truth. In all my years of fantasy football, even with computer auto-draft, I've never seen 3 QBs in the first 7 rounds when you can only start one.

I'm also torn because I think all of your first 4 picks were really good. While everyone was focused on screwing the commish, you got to keep Melvin Gordon in the 3rd and Kelce in the 4th. No idea why you messed that up.

I'm so torn. Great start and awful finish. I think your team will be good, but I just can't give you an A for that QB debacle.

Draft Grade: B+


BG - We will be doing the draft the weekend before Labor Day next year. Keep it free!

Interesting squad. Lot of underachievers in 2016, but I think you have some real good depth. The rookie RBs both could end up starting sooner than later. I think you probably need some luck to get elite players, but you have the best two pass catchers on probably the best offense, which is always a good thing.

I think your squad is middle of the pack right now. I think you have a very high floor.

Draft Grade: B-


TITTY - You were always destined for the Pool Bar. After you got all hot and bothered watching the drunk couple grind on a plastic beach chair, you were going to the Pool Bar.

I think you were a bit distracted during the draft. You also convinced yourself that your WR core of Snead and Hogan was good enough. It's not. It's by far the worst WR group in the league. But you've been known to rebound from situations like this before. You have 3 RBs that finished in the top 10 last year, which is very key.

I just can't see your team overcoming the WR deficiencies yet. You've got some work to do.

Draft Grade: C


Power Rankings

 The first official power rankings of 2017:

1. The King's Crusaders
2. D-WEEZE
3. Billz Mo$$
4. Dueling Pylons
5. TPG
6. PCE
7. BG
8. Harambe
9. Team Bartholomew
10. TITTY
11. EEB SON
12. Old Ball Sack
13. Geno 911
14. Stanky Monkeys


I just want to thank everyone again for a great time. The draft is always one of my favorite days of the year. I hope you guys had as much fun as I did. As always, we'll try to top it again next year.

Waivers process Tuesday morning. I'll also be updating the league schedule over the weekend. Looking forward to a great season.
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