Tony The Cowboy

The most impressive Tony on Sunday is pictured above.

The Week 1 Blog comes to you from 40,000 feet. After spending 6 days in Austin studying math, it’s time to return to the Northeast and real life. Thankfully I’m able to watch Switzerland vs. England soccer to help pass the time. Before getting into the blog, just wanted to congratulate Adam Tatz on the birth of his daughter Emelia, pictured here: 

Just a day old, Adam chose to already subject his daughter to Tony Romo. I know there’s no book on parenting, but surely if there were, watching the Cowboys would be the last thing in there. Second to last would be buying your child an Eli Manning jersey. How bad do you think Victor Cruz wants to go in Coughlin's office and say "Please start Nassib. Please." 

Sunday morning I had arguably the funniest fantasy football conversation of my life. I was inquiring about last minute trade options prior to the start of the season. I reached out to one Adam Cutter regarding the availability of Alshon Jeffery. Alshon is a premium player, so I did not want to insult him with an offer. I asked who he was interested in and he notified me that he wanted Peterson. Fine. He also notified me “I’m high. Make me an offer.” Even better. It’s like EEB on Thanksgiving Eve. I offered a package of Peterson and Offensive Rookie of the Year candidate Marqise Lee in exchange for Alshon Jeffery and Emmanuel Sanders as a conversation starter. He declines and decides to counter offer. Peterson and Gronk for Alshon, Dexter McCluster and Coby Fleener. Yikes. 

Me: “How high are you?” 

Cutter: “Apparently more than I thought.” 

What a gem. And his day got even worse as you’ll soon see. 

Here's just something random I found funny:

Texas is a weird place, man. Everything is slower down there. 40 MPH speed limit means don’t go faster than 28. Country music and cowboy boots rule the area. Any semblance of a beat immediately clears the dance floor. Signs for the “gun show” have absolutely nothing to do with lifting. It’s a real thing. There’s not a green to be found unless it’s green chile sauce. Texas has to lead the country in heart attack ratio. There’s no dress code anywhere. Grown men twerk on a bar floor as if that’s normal. Tucking your shirt into jeans is not only deemed acceptable, it’s encouraged. The only thing I can’t say I saw was jorts. They don’t fly anywhere. And for all of you Delaware folks, I was actually asked on this trip “Is Delaware a State?” 

And all of this was before Sunday football. I do have to say, the beer selection in Austin is pretty good which always helps. But finally Sunday arrived. One of the funniest things I’ve personally seen in a while is a guy wearing a Blake Bortles jersey at a bar. What’s the play here? Are you rooting for the Jaguars or not? If you’re rooting for the Jags and they win, they don’t bench Henne for Bortles. Or are you rooting for Bortles, which would be counterintuitive. Getting a jersey of the backup QB is never a good idea. You just look like a fool. 

Also, there are some serious, serious drinkers. Bars have these communal tables, so we were sharing with some other folks. Guy rolls up extremely hungover and orders Maker’s and tea. Who does that? After that it was interchanging mimosas with arguably the most disgusting drink I’ve ever seen. Surely most have heard of a bulldog. Great idea. Jam a Corona bottle upside down into a frozen margarita and let the two flavors slowly mix. The thickness of the margarita prevents the beer from just flooding the drink. It works. Apparently down in Texas, they do something a little different. Mix peach schnapps with Everclear and then jam a can of Red Bull upside-down into a pint glass. This just makes absolutely no sense to me. I understand the premise of a Red Bull vodka that’s trying to literally kill someone. Fine. It’s disgusting, but I get it. What I don’t get is why there’s a dirty gross aluminum can of Red Bull floating in your drink? There’s no thick margarita to prevent the liquids from mixing. The Red Bull just goes out of the can into the drink. Why are you leaving a truly empty can in your drink? Why does nobody question this setup? Alarming. 

Beef of the Week: In case you forgot, this is back for yet another year. It may seem a little early to be beefin, but I can’t narrow my choices down to just 1. 

First, the NFL Preseason is an absolute joke. I understand wanting to test things like the moved Extra Point to see if it has a big effect on games. Half the times teams go for 2 at the end of a game just to avoid having to play more football. It’s impossible to tell, but whatever. The thing that really grinds my gears is what they were doing with penalties. If you are going to emphasize Defensive Holding and Illegal Hands to the Face, do it how you actually will in the regular season. They took a product that very few care about and made it even more unwatchable. Games were fine yesterday, so why do you need to charge season ticket holders full price to watch a garbage product? Don’t make fans the guinea pigs. There are probably a couple guys who got cut too for too many penalties. And then it’s not the same in the regular season? It could’ve cost some their job. 

Secondly, why can’t the ESPN get their fucking app working? There are countless people whose jobs are to make sure that thing is functioning.  And you’ve had a year to work on it. The app doesn’t count kicker and defense points correctly. And then during the Sunday night game the whole operation goes down? The response? “Routine Maintenance”. Really? Really? It’s routine to have your shit not working when it’s getting the most use? Maybe they should take some people covering Johnny Manziel and Michael Sam and have them do some real work. Infuriating.

Third, the commissioner must go. What does he think happened in the elevator? Does he think there was a Solange/Jay-Z incident first and that somehow she got knocked out. She took one step and got a left hook to the face, resulting in broken bones. And how is Ray Rice not in jail? If any regular person does that, you're getting prosecuted and permanently banned by your employer. They saw the video. They thought it was worth two games. Apparently Cutty committed more harm by blazing on his patio than Ray Rice did in his eyes. Nobody with that incompetent level of decision making should be in a leadership role. I'm just ranting, but hopefully you all take to Twitter to hate on the NFL using #FireGoodell.

And lastly, before we get to the rankings, here are two of the funniest plays I’ve seen in a long time. If you asked me to name all of the types of kicks we’d see in Week 1 I’d have guessed field goal, punt, extra point. Would’ve never thought to put bicycle or karate on the list. Thank you MJD and Antonio Brown. And MJD needs to retire. He’s completely done. 

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-cant-miss-plays/0ap3000000390469/Wk-1-Can-t-Miss-Play-Coples-clothesline

http://deadspin.com/antonio-brown-introduces-the-front-heel-kick-to-the-nfl-1631667427

Without further ado, the Week 1 Power Rankings: 

14. Pork Chop Express (0-1) (Last week: 14): Could crack 100 points depending on the performance of Joique Bell and Keenan Allen. Exactly one player on the bench scored points. Having Bishop Sankey as your #1 RB is going to prove to be very difficult. Luck had a nice game Sunday night, but playing from behind he threw a ton of passes. Didn’t see anything to inspire confidence that this will be a competitive team. 

13. Bo$$town Cutter (0-1) (Last week: 9): Scored a total of 67 points in Week 1. That’s hilarious. I think you have some good pieces, but the lack of depth means that it’s gonna be tough if guys bust. I look forward to discussing trade with you again. I’m sorry that your rough day across fantasy football and softball led to further abuse. I don’t think your team is this bad, but it’s not good. 

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-1) (Last week: 8): What happened? In the inaugural blog I wrote “has the potential to be one of the worst in the league.” I didn’t think that statement would ring true so soon. Started 2 Rams. That’s just unheard of. Zac Stacy could end up being a major draft bust, which will be a huge problem for this team. I almost had to drop you lower in the rankings, and don’t be surprised to see it soon.

  

11. Geno 911 (1-0) (Last week: 10): I just don’t understand how you can draft teams consistently that I dislike so much. At one point in the 3rd quarter of the late games, your starting QB-RB combo of Romo and Doug Martin had combined for -1 points. And somehow you still won! Pure luck. Pure luck. I wrote “middle of the road”, and nothing has convinced me otherwise. Scoring 115 points most weeks, which I expect to happen, doesn’t get it done. 

10. The Smokin’ Jays (0-1) (Last week: 6): This team should prove pretty quickly that it’s nothing special. I don’t know if you do, but it seems impossible to me for anyone to like Jay Cutler. Guy has a terrible attitude with everyone, and as usual he’s not at fault for anything. He hasn’t won shit. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him get benched. I’m a little unsure about the rest of this team. I think it’s going to be tough to get into the playoffs. 

9. DA BEARDS (1-0) (Last week: 13): I know you’re thinking I’m insane. But you can’t count on a defense to drop 28 points every week. I do think, however, that I’ve grown a little more on your team. It’s not as bad as I originally thought. Plus Rodgers didn’t even have a great game, so he should be better going forward. Keep picking up those wins and you’ll move up. Trent Richardson is just so bad. He already was outscored by Ahmad Bradshaw and that should be a regular occurrence. Wasted 3rd round pick. 

8. A Lot O’ Tatz (1-0) (Last week: 11): When your QB, TE, Kicker and Defense combine for 91 points, you’re going to win like 99% of games. Unfortunately, you just can’t count on anything near that much. Julius Thomas could certainly pay big dividends, and with Manning it’s impossible to be counted out. I think I was a bit harsh at the onset, but like Dosh, I need to see more on a week-to-week basis. Same deal. Keep winning and you’ll move up. 

7. Team Toliver (0-1) (Last week: 12): Came up on the short end of an old fashioned slugfest with the Pylons. Scoring 140 and losing is unfortunate, and surely just makes last season's playoff elimination sting a little more. But the same thing happens every year. Mocked at the draft for taking players early and puts up more points than the haters. You want Kaepernick and VD, go ahead they say. Meanwhile they’re outscoring plenty of other QB-TE combos. And you have the best receiver in the league. I was skeptical that you’d be a contender, but you have good players. Better than a lot of other teams. Stay active on the waiver wire and you’ll certainly be in the thick of it. 

6. Big Brother’s Bitch (1-0) (Last week: 7): Above average feels about right. The spreadsheets said wait on RBs and take Gerhart and Ellington. Well they’re both already injured. But Zach Ertz was a good pick. Guy’s gonna have a nice year. If you can shore up the RB position, I think that you should be in contention for the playoffs. Despite saying it in the initial blog, I don’t think you end up in the costume barring even further injuries. 

5. Tequila Party Gnomes: (1-0) (Last week: 2): I was probably a little too generous with TPG in the initial rankings, but the Top 5 remains the same as the initial. I think this team is clearly ahead of the teams below. I still can’t believe you were able to snag all 3 of those RBs and BMarsh. I think the 2nd half of your draft is why you’ve fallen. Like I indicated with Geno 911, 117 isn’t going to get it done on a regular basis. But I think you should be better. Same advice as Toliver. Stay active on the waiver wire and you’ll be fine. 

4. The King’s Crusaders (0-1) (Last week: 4): Got clowned by EEB and still 4 spots ahead of him. He can’t agree with that assessment. I don’t know why you thought starting Geno Smith was a good idea. But I’ll just keep laughing as you insist to me you don’t need a starting QB but are throwing out offers for them left and right. The Bell-Brown Steelers combo could turn out to be really good, but they won’t be playing the Browns every week. You’re still high on the list because you have McCoy. Arguably the best first 3 rounds of any team. 

3. Stanky Monkeys (0-1) (Last week: 5): What a cruel game fantasy football is. Had preseason #1 Team Bartholomew on the ropes and couldn’t deliver the knockout blow. I’d venture up 34 points with VJax and Witten against DeMarco Murray, Greg Olsen and a Kicker, you win that game at least 9 times out of 10. But it was not to be. This was the most exciting game of the week, and it truly came down to the final play. Unfortunately get the Pylons in Week 2. The schedule will get easier I promise. Don’t panic. You have a good team. 

2. Dueling Pylons (1-0) (Last week: 3): The area of concern for the Pylons heading into the season was at WR. After 1 week, it looks like Floyd, Cooks and Cordarrelle could end up being major draft steals. Even with mediocre Peterson and Gronk weeks, still put up a bunch of points. Solid bench as well. Nothing at this point indicates that this team will be out of contention after dropping 150+ in Week 1. Looking quite strong. 

1. Team Bartholomew (1-0) (Last week: 1): As with the Pylons, there is nothing here to indicate that the preseason #1 ranking was unjustified. 133 is a very solid total, and it was all done without the starting QB. I was very complimentary of the Greg Olsen pick, and his huge game saved you in Week 1. This team is going to be tough to beat every week. Kendall Wright looked good, Shane Vereen came through, and DeMarco looked greet. Definite contender. 

Week 2 Matchups (there are some good ones): 

#1 Team Bartholomew (1-0) v. #6 Big Brother’s Bitch (1-0) 

#2 Dueling Pylons (1-0) v. #3 Stanky Monkeys (0-1) 

#4 The King’s Crusaders (0-1) v. #5 Tequila Party Gnomes (1-0) 

#7 Team Toliver (0-1) v. #8 A Lot O’ Tatz (1-0) 

#9 DA BEARDS (1-0) v. #13 Bo$$town Cutter (0-1) 

#10 The Smokin Jays (0-1) v. #14 Pork Chop Express (0-1) 

#11 Geno 911 (1-0) v. #12 Tweeting in the Trenches (0-1) 

Well that’s it. Week 1 is in the books. Hopefully next Sunday I’ll be showered with even more texts and hilarious stories. Looks like virtually everyone was able to avoid serious injury for one week. Hopefully that stays true. Hope you enjoyed reading. 

10 Seasons - 1 EFFL

With the 10^th EFFL Draft in the books, it’s time for some reflection. Before we get into who did well and who did not, it is time to take a look at how some of the night’s events went down and who put on the best performance. I’ll shorten the suspense and let you know that the answer is Adam Cutter. We’ll get to why in a few minutes.

I just want to say thank you again to everybody for coming to the draft. Having 14 league members all there is difficult and many of you traveled from far away and spent a good amount of money to attend. The new trophy is just a token of my appreciation. Also, next year the draft will be held in the Philadelphia/Delaware area. Possibly AC if it still exists. Either way, it will be in a larger room with better food.

Each year there are some draft quirks. One of them being “How will Mike Young top his previous performances?” Two years ago it was running a 40 foot extension cord to power has laptop. Last year it was countless mock drafts printed out on legal paper. With technological advances, this year was seemingly tamer with just a tablet. But it wasn’t until after the draft that more details began to emerge. It appears that while the draft was going on, Mr. Young was maintaining a massive google doc with the entire draft board, which turned out to be extremely helpful. I don’t know the most efficient way to draft, but a 10+ sheet document on a tablet can’t be it. Well done. Stepped it up yet again. The highlight for me is the listing of league members in the sheet, one of which was “Chris Cusco”.

Pukers: To my knowledge there were only 2 league members that lost their liquor: Eric Eugene Brooking and Adam Seth Cutter. Cutter is now 3 for 3 at the EFFL Draft. Extremely impressive numbers. But on Sunday morning, reports began to emerge that Cutter went overboard this time. While blowing up a hotel bathroom on Sunday morning, screams of “WHY ME?!?!?” began echoing through the hotel room. This was followed up with further unpleasant sounds. One thing is for certain: Rebecca is a lucky woman.

*** ETA: I also puked ***

The commissioner also was put down with a tranquilizer known as Ommegang Rare Vos. One of these days I’ll realize drinking a pint of beer with high alcohol content is not the same as “having a beer”. There’s more than double the alcohol in a 16 of Rare Vos as there is in a 12 of Bud Light. Subsequently, taking 4 pints to the face in an hour and a half is the equivalent of about 8.25 Bud Lights. But I did not have just 4. I had at least 6 or 7, if not more. And I had been drinking before the draft.

I’ll be honest. I don’t remember making at least my last 3 picks, if not more. Despite needing a kicker, I selected Ronnie Hillman as Mr. Irrelevant. Who knows why this happened? I’m going to just cut Hillman for a kicker tomorrow. Things went downhill quickly. Here’s a picture of me wearing the draft board around my neck. I didn’t even know this was possible.

The next moment I remember is being on the floor of the bathroom stall in the Winslow. The next moment after that I remember is waking up the next morning. Yashar and EEB were first there to mock me. Then they were there to help. They made sure I returned home safely, which was much appreciated. In the process of being guided out of the bar by a very large fellow, I was not allowed to grab anything, including the draft board. Thanks to pictures, google docs, and other texts, I was fully able to recreate the draft. Note to self: at future drafts, go with the lower alcohol content. It’s for the best.

Also, Team Toliver found out on Saturday night that he once made out with a girl who has since converted to a man. Tough sledding out there. Toliver is also 3 for 3 on not paying league fees on draft night.

On to football related matters. I will be posting power rankings throughout much of the regular season, and then probably switch to playoff seedings around Week 10.

First, here is the EFFL Schedule, being released just now. Remember, you will play every other team once. Week 13 will be rivalry week. Week 1 features a matchup of last year’s two champions. It also features the renewed Brooking/Woody rivalry.

EFFL 2014 Schedule

And finally, the long awaited preseason power rankings. We will go from #14 to #1. This opinion is completely subjective, and I take no mercy on any team.

NO CHANCE

#14. Pork Chop Express (Lobitz) – For a second consecutive year, had to remove himself from the draft due to massive alcohol consumption. It’s not certain when the booze started hitting, but it was definitely towards the beginning of the draft. Only has 1 starting RB, and it’s rookie Bishop Sankey. Reserves include suspended Josh Gordon, #3 RB Christine Michael, #2-3 RB Mark Ingram, backup QB Johnny Manziel, #2 RB Andre Williams, for some reason the Giants defense, backup QB Blake Bortles, #4 WR Martavis Bryant, and no kicker. Reached in the 2^nd for Andrew Luck and is banking on Eric Decker on the Jets and Joique Bell repeating his success. Will need heroic performances basically across the board to make the playoffs.

LONG ROAD AHEAD

#13. DA BEARDS (Whye) – Trent Richardson in the 3^rd round?!?!?! By far the worst pick of the draft. The Rodgers/Beast Mode combo is the only reason you’re not in last. Well that and you at least picked up some serviceable backups in Mike Evans and Kelvin Benjamin. You know, guys that are actually going to play. If Chris Johnson has a decent year, that could end up being a steal, but Trent Richardson is just such a bad pick. Cruz and Colston should be a solid 1-2 punch. This team doesn’t scream championship contender, but should be in the playoff mix. Also, it was brought up that you wore the exact outfit in your Facebook picture to the draft. That’s just funny.

#12. Team Toliver – Showed up to the draft completely empty handed and then reached on just about every player. But who am I to question the strategy? Through 2 seasons, Yashar has the best Win % in EFFL History and was the #1 seed in both EFFL seasons. Was mocked relentlessly for selecting Pierre Thomas and Danny Woodhead as his top 2 RBs. Check out who led all RBs in receptions in 2013. #1 was Pierre Thomas. #2 was Danny Woodhead. In a non-PPR this would be suicide, but 70+ catches and over 1,000 total yards is easily doable. Plus has Tron anchoring the squad, which IMO puts this team slightly ahead of the other two.

#11. A Lot O’ Tatz (Brooking) – If you asked me “How bad can I mess up a draft after Peyton Manning?”, this team would be the epitome. You let Tatz work you over in that trade and then named your team after him. Drinking and trading never seems to work out for you. Ben Tate and MJD as a top 2 RB pairing doesn’t scare anyone. How you were able to land Manning is beyond me. Nobody else on your team is good, but Manning should carry you a little bit. The only player who might actually be good is Golden Tate, but there are so many deficiencies it’s laughable. With any other QB you’d be dead last.

WAIT AND SEE

#10. Geno 911 (Gambino) – I’m sure you’ll be disappointed to not be bringing up the rear. After the bottom 4 it’s tough to pick on too many teams, but this draft completely fell apart. You could’ve stopped after like the 6^th round, picked nobody else, and filled your roster with waiver wire players. It wouldn’t have been any worse. This team screams middle of the road to me. Probably a bunch of guys that finish in the top 20 at their position, but nobody that’s a real difference maker other than Jimmy Graham. I don’t understand why you keep drafting Tony Romo.

#9. Team 15 (Cutter) – Is it that hard to join the league? I’ve sent 3 invitations and that’s not enough. Yet another alcohol victim. Was doing OK until about the 5^th round and then totally went downhill. Emmanuel Sanders should pay significant dividends, and Lacy and Alshon are two great picks. Banking on Ray Rice and Frank Gore, however, is a dangerous proposition. At least you got Tommy Brady. He was brutal from a fantasy standpoint last year and he’s not getting any younger. WHY ME?!?!?!? Based on your draft, I think we could’ve seen this one coming.

#8. Tweeting in the Trenches – Quietly one of the drunkest at the draft, this team has the potential to be one of the worst in the league. The players look good on paper, but there are a number of starters with a very low floor. This is a team to me that should be pretty good from the start, but I certainly question the longevity. Perhaps grabbing some rookies likely to do better in the latter half of the season would have been wise should this team not hold up. But alcohol impaired that decision. Finished the draft with Eli and Sam Bradford. Woof. If this team goes 3-Peat I’ll be pretty stunned.

LEGITIMATE CONTENDERS

#7. Big Brother’s Bitch (Young) – Triple B’s. I have no idea what to make of this team name. Tough to argue with Brees/Julio at the top, and Pierre Garcon should end up being a very solid piece. But after that, there are a bunch of guys with big question marks. Wayne coming back from injury, and can Ellington, Gerhart and Ertz live up to expectations? Right in the middle of the pack feels about right for this team, but I could certainly see them being a threat if things fall into place. It’s very possible that this team could also end up drafting in a costume next year.

#6. The Smokin’ Jays – Must be surprised to see me actually praising your team for a change. I’m sure that’ll change soon. Snagging 3 clear #1 RBs in a 14 team league is always a good move. While Cutler, Fitzand Torrey Smith shouldn’t set the world on fire, they’ll be serviceable. I like the Kyle Rudolph pick and got pretty capable backups (see: guys that will play). Barring massive injuries, will probably not be drafting in a costume next year. Also, half of the league didn’t even know you were in attendance in that back corner.

#5. Stanky Monkeys – Yet another team who came through despite my previous dislike of teams. Looks very solid across the board, but Fred Jackson and Edelman certainly seem like guys who can go either way. I don’t know if expecting a 2013 repeat is reasonable, but it is possible. Regardless, it’s hard to see this team not doing well. The bench is the only thing that may be a little bit questionable, but basically everyone’s is at this juncture. Seahawks D was also a nice pick and should definitely help. After 3 consecutive seasons missing the playoffs, I think the Stanky Monkeys are finally back.

THE 4 FAVORITES

#4. The King’s Crusaders – There’s not a whole lot separating the teams at the top. Ultimately, I think waiting forever to take a Quarterback isn’t going to be a killer. But I definitely think it hurts. There are enough strong pieces to stay competitive week in and week out. The real issue with the King is that there are a lot of players with significant injury history. Reed has concussion problems, Maclin is close to shredding his ACL every week, and Crabtree and Harvin never seem to reach their potential. But there’s enough quality up and down to be successful if a couple guys don’t pan out. With a real QB, this team would probably have been my pick to win it all.

#3. Dueling Pylons – The Peterson/Reggie Bush RB combo is probably the best in the league. Gronk is a top 3 TE and Stafford is on the verge of becoming the next stud QB alongside Manning, Rodgers, and Brees. Through the first half of last season he was averaging almost 25 points per game. Add to that all up and coming star WRs Floyd and Patterson, and the sky is the limit for the 2014 Pylons. The thing that could be really concerning is that the top 3 RBs on this team are all over 29. It’s possible that the wheels fall off. If that’s the case, this should be a borderline playoff team as opposed to a contender.

#2. Tequila Party Gnomes – As indicated with The Smokin’ Jays, snagging 3 starting RBs is a wise strategy. When those 3 happen to be Foster, Spiller and Bernard, you’re an immediate favorite. Violating rule #1 of fantasy football was wise in this case. To do it twice? Wow. May have reached a little on Watkins, but the guy can come in and immediately be a 1,000 yard receiver. Plus he can be kept, and will only get better. I’m not as high on Foles this year, but he should be a very good starter. And your boy BMarsh has finally returned. It appears the booze set in in the middle rounds, as the bench leaves something to be desired. But Nicks and Dwayne Bowe are always threats to have huge seasons. We’ll see how that goes.

#1. Team Bartholomew – This is just a great draft. AJ Green and DeMarco Murray is an awesome 1-2 punch. Cam Newton should threaten top 5. Shane Vereen, if healthy, could lead all RBs in catches. Kendall Wright was 7^th in the league in catches. And Randall Cobb also could be a top 10 WR. With no Steve Smith, Greg Olsen should be Cam Newton’s #1 target and could have a career year. Mixed in a bunch of very solid bench players and rookies in Jordan Matthews, Jeremy Hill, and Ladarius Green. This team is going to put up a lot of points over the course of the season. Any wishes to see Tatz drafting as C-3PO are mere fantasy.

Well that’s it. Over 4 pages of single-spaced Word document and almost 2,500 words. The blog is back. The EFFL is back. I can’t wait for Week 1. Still gathering more pictures and more pieces of Saturday night. As always, if you have any incriminating pictures available, please send them my way.