Not as Bad as the Giants

That's something everyone in both leagues can say. Nobody's record is as bad as the 1-6 Giants, but you'd be amazed at how many people think that the Giants are a good team. Granted none of them are fans of other teams, but still. People think that because you beat a 1-4 team who decided to start a QB that another winless team didn't even want as a 3rd stringer, that you're good. That's crazy talk. Just look at these bros. They're talking about playoffs. Sure nobody else is standing, but PLAYOFFS!!!

 

I don't know why I put myself in this situation. I was excited to root for Peterson, but this was just one of the worst games in NFL history. Here's a blurb from Rotoworld about Peyton Hillis following the game:

Making his debut with the team just five days after signing, Hillis started and saw 23 touches. He caught five passes for an additional 45 yards on six targets out of the backfield. This was without question the single ugliest football game after seven weeks on the season. It felt like a preseason game with viewers just waiting for the game clock to hit zeros. Hillis looked terrible in the first half, but he got his legs under him after the break and was arguably the best offensive player on the field in this one. That's not an endorsement. It simply was just a brutal display of football.

What a joke. At least the blog gets to be improved with a GIF:

MMMM Peterson and Fireball

Beef of the Week: San Diego Chargers

Norv is finally gone, and I still hate this team. This has to be the most boring team to watch in the NFL. 2 weeks in a row I've been screwed by using guys against their "terrible defense". New coach Mike McCoy is intent on not playing football. As soon as the clock starts, he wants the game to be over. He's got Philip Rivers tossing these "high percentage throws", AKA we don't want you to throw interceptions with your "cannon arm". It's infuriating. All they do is run the ball and throw short completions. Two weeks in a row the opposing team hasn't even had the ball during the game.

The Chargers ran 67 offensive plays this past week. 40 rushes, 26 passes, and 1 sack. Rivers completed 22 of 26 passes for an incredible 85% completion ratio. What I really see is 67 plays, and on 63 of the 67 plays, the clock was running at the end of the play. That's not football. That's retarded. Same shit happened last week. 72 plays, and the clock was running after 61 of them. If your defense is so bad that you'll do anything in your power to keep them off the field, get a new defense. Don't subject people to this. The worst part is that I fear this is a trend and not an abnormality. If you want to start a player against the Chargers, just don't expect that team to have the ball for a majority of the game.

Before we get into the league power rankings, a special shout out to Matt Atallian. Not only is his team by far the lowest scoring team in both leagues, he also drafted the 2nd lowest scoring team across both leagues for his brother. This is pretty impressive. I wouldn't be surprised if Matt was the most sober one at next year's draft. Also, Meech: you might wanna start showing up to drafts. To date, your teams are 7-13.

League 1

Our last unbeaten team has fallen to Sam Woody. A double whammy. Standings are still wide open, but time could be running out on some teams soon.

1. Team Toliver (6-1) - Last week: 1

Took a loss for the first time, and unfortunately played the top scoring team. Would have beaten anyone else, but it was bound to happen at some point. Still the team to beat in League 1, but I wouldn't count on Harry Douglas to drop 27 again. Or Jerome Simpson period. Or Ronnie Hillman. I know the bye week handicapped you, but give Peyton some help! May I recommend more Bills.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-2) - Last week: 2

Fusco is threatening to break 6 regular season wins for the first time in 5 seasons. Losing Reggie Wayne is going to hurt. Remarkably will be able to field a team in Week 8, but had to pick up a brand new roster off the waiver wire. Expecting Gronk to score 45 points a week is a little optimistic, but we'll see. Should certainly be in the playoffs with a strong record and solid squad.

3. Lady Luck (5-2) - Last week: 5

It's rare that I say anything nice about a Sam team, but beating undefeated Yashar is big. I couldn't believe it when I saw it, but Wes Welker is the #1 fantasy WR. As usual, somehow avoiding all injuries, but the Jay Cutler injury could have an indirect effect on this squad. Could have a rough week with the Bears on the bye.

4. The King's Crusaders (4-3) - Last week: 3

I think this team is still pretty solid. As does ESPN. A ridiculous projection of 171 points in week 8 has no chance of coming to fruition. They're projecting a KICKER to score 18 points. Come on man. This team seems to be hit or miss, which is a little unusual for a Woody squad. Certainly better than a number of other rosters. Would be a shock to see this team miss the playoffs.

5. Stanky Monkeys (2-5) - Last week: 6

This team could finally be putting it all together. If Tron is back, this is a team to watch, especially with Brees too. I think Knowshon keeps it up, which really keeps this team in it. If they can find one more solid waiver wire pickup, this team could make some noise. Currently only a game out of a playoff spot.

6. Threeing the Hogs (3-4) - Last week: 8

I like what Mike Y has done. Probably the best job on the waiver wire so far snagging Rivers and Terrance Williams. Trading Larry Fitzgerald may have been the right move as well. You can never count this team out, and I expect a strong push to make the playoffs here. This team's arrow is pointing up.

7. Dueling Pylons (2-4-1) - Last week: 4

Got the win, but got very lucky as the Pylons had the 9th highest score. This team is feast or famine and you never know what to expect. Has had Peterson on the roster for 3 weeks and gotten a total of 17 points from him. That trade appears to be a huge bust right now. Andrew Luck could be what saves this team. Huge matchup with the King in Week 8.

8. RGIII for President (2-5) - Last week: 7

Really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Didn't prepare appropriately for a Brandon Jacobs injury, and it may have cost him. Even if he threw Shorts in, still would have fallen short. It'll be interesting to see if this team makes any moves or stands pat, because as it is, it's very hard to see this team as a championship contender.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-5-1) - Last week: 10

By far the lowest scoring team in the league. Has put up 148 points in the last two weeks combined. But there's hope. Only 1.5 games out of a playoff spot and there are a number of quality players on the roster. One must wonder if Matt has thrown in the towel on his season, or if he'll make one final push. At this point, must be feeling that he deserves relegation.

10. Geno 911 (4-3) - Last week: 9

Remarkable that this team has 4 wins. Truly remarkable. This is clearly the worst team in the league, and injuries are killing any chance they had. Already without Randall Cobb, Arian Foster and Jermichael Finley have now gone down. Just look at the starting roster for this team in Week 8. Planning to start 2 Jets. And it's not even going to get any better going forward. Going to get absolutely smoked by Yashar. The Pylons are salivating at having this team on the schedule twice still.

League 2

The 3 teams at the bottom of league 2 are all tied for the final playoff spot. But sneaking into the playoffs, probably won't help too much. There are 2 clear favorites here, as they have been all season.

1. Darkest Norseman (5-2) - Last week: 1

Dosh stays atop the League 2 totem pole after a solid performance. After BMarsh and Dez, this team really has nothing at WR, so that must be filled. Strong at pretty much every position, so I'd expect Dosh to continue to do work. Will certainly be in the playoffs and is a definite contender for promotion.

2. Bo$$town Beasts (5-2) - Last week: 2

Cutty squeaked by EEB with a less than impressive performance. But he got the job done and got a very big win. Hakeem Nicks is a scrub and should be treated as such. Must be kicking himself for not going in on more Broncos, but he should be fine. Could definitely use a RB, but other than that looking very good.

3. Game on Dick Bag (4-3) - Last week: 4

Very strong week. The McCoy/Forte combo is huge and throwing in Stafford and Vincent Jackson to the mix is impressive. If anybody else on this team produces, look out. I think this team is improving each and every week, and the only question I have thus far is why Sam hasn't been present for football Sundays.

4. Jersey Leshoure (2-5) - Last week: 5

Had an impressive performance but didn't have enough to win. Now has losses of 8, 3, and 6 in the past 3 weeks, so this team could easily be 5-2 instead of 2-5. Despite the loss of Doug Martin, things are definitely looking up for Ben. Still has 2 games against Tatz and another against the Street Pigeons, so there will be plenty of opportunity to get back into it.

5. EEB Ventura (4-3) - Last week: 3

I told you I had no justification for ranking you that high last week. You somehow tried to pin using Nick Foles on me, but I won't allow it. Why you would ever bench RGIII and Kaepernick for Foles is beyond me. Oh, and in case you didn't see... Woody picked up Foles last week too. You are two peas in a pod. He just does it better than you.

6. Team Meat Collage (2-5) - Last week: 8

Hooray Meat!!! Out of the cellar of the power rankings for the first time all season. Got solid performances across the board and still only put up 132. I fear this team doesn't have the upside of other teams. May threaten 140 or so in a given week, but it's tough to envision much more. Trading away Decker for a week of Julio really hurt this squad.

7. Super Mario Brothers (4-3) - Last week: 6

I may be a little down on this team, but there are holes. Using Brees, Marshawn, Cruz, Decker and Blackmon on a weekly basis is good to have. But there has to be more. I'm uncertain on this team, but there's certainly potential to move up. Let's see it.

8. Street Pigeons (2-5) - Last week: 7

Meech has hit rock bottom. When you're completely inactive on the waiver wire, your team is going to suffer. Now has his entire team on a bye in Week 8, which is bad news when you're playing Cutter. Might be time to look into a couple trades. This certainly must be one of the most disappointing teams, if not the most, in all of both leagues. Could be a 2nd straight season missing the League 2 playoffs.

I hope that I redeemed my lack of blog last week with some improvements this week. We should be back to Tuesday postings soon. Good luck to everyone in Week 8. The playoffs, and relegation battle, are rapidly approaching.

Blogging Has Become Difficult

"Where's the blog post son!?" "Cro isn't so prompt with his blogs after a tough loss. Lol" "Slacking.. I usually read blog on my Tuesday lunch"

I received all these texts today. Not surprisingly, they all came from teams who won a game in Week 6. It's the same thing every week. After a win, I'm on top of the blog. After anyone wins, they can't wait to read the blog. This week was much more difficult than usual. Feeling so good, things went awry. I'm sorry to make you wait to read this. Hopefully your Tuesday morning work poop wasn't ruined.

This week featured some great work at the Taproom. No Beef of the Week, just a Hero of the Week. The recipient: Dosh Whye

Dosh showed up at the bar this week clad in BC gear despite a loss to Clemson. He was involuntary (or voluntary) carded at the entrance despite nobody else in the entire bar being carded. Confusing. While we each ordered a beer on tap, Dosh went straight for the special of a bucket of beers for $25. I don't even know what kind of beer it was, but who cares.

Dosh immediately made a connection with our server simply based on the fact that they were the same caramel skin tone. Dosh flirted here and there by completely blocking the aisle she had to pass through. Each time she passed by sliding sideways through the small area, she gave Dosh a look, which he interpreted as flirting. The game of cat and mouse continued until the end of the 1 PM games. Dosh went to "wait outside" for her as her shift had concluded. The day ended with Dosh going for 99 cent pizza and never speaking to her again. A true hero.


I'm only going to list rankings real quick and not much blurb. I'm still too upset about failing to avenge my semifinals loss to Fusco.

League 1

1. Team Toliver (6-0): Take my best player, I don't care. Still can't touch me.
2. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-2): The most undeserving. Screamed at baby after Blackmon 33 point effort.
3. The King's Crusaders (4-2): Disappointed with the blog.
4. Gen... SIKE ... Dueling Pylons (1-4-1): Still scoring tons of points. Terrible luck.
5. Lady Luck (4-2): Good starters. Terrible depth. That's what she said.
6. Stanky Monkeys (1-5): Poor guy's been suffering all season. A win deserves a reward.
7. RGIII for President (2-4): Underachievers of the year. Will get back towards the pack soon.
8. Threeing the Hogs (2-4): I'd bet on this team being in the relegation battle.
9. Geno 911 (4-2): Terrible team now bitten by injury bug. Lost to winless Stanky Monkeys. Lucky to not be last.
10. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-4-1): Could possibly tie Pylons for second time. This team is in trouble.


League 2

1. Darkest Norseman (4-2): Took down the #1 team. Game needs work. Temporary move up
2. Bo$$town Beasts (4-2): No shame in losing to another strong team. Still expect big things here.
3. EEB Ventura (4-2): I can't provide justification for this ranking.
4. Game on Dick Bag (3-3): Still a fan of this roster. Had its ups and downs, but getting better.
5. Jersey Leshoure (2-4): On the verge of breaking out. Or on the verge of sinking even further. That's how you end up in the middle.
6. Super Mario Brothers (4-2): Not impressed but still putting up big weeks. Gotta be frustrating to play this team.
7. Street Pigeons (2-4): There's no correlation to the fact that the #10 team in League 1 drafted your team. None.
8. Team Meat Collage (1-5): Still maintain that drinking whiskey with TPG before the draft is never the way to go.


It was a struggle to get through this blog, but I didn't want to leave everyone hanging this week. Hopefully I emerge with a win and more content next week. As usual, I'm always accepting guest bloggers for Beef of the Week or more.

Come to my halloween party. Good luck Week 7.

Third Time's the Charm

This is the third time I've written to you celebrating my first win of the season. If I find out that it was actually Adam Tatz on the field wearing Dez's jersey and looking dark and nimble, I'll be pretty pissed. Also props to the Atlanta Falcons for playing Ludacris' "Move Bitch" after every first down.

It's truly a great feeling to be writing a blog following a convincing win and an Eagles dismantling of the Giants. Eli is being exposed for the fraud he truly is and always has been. I'm about to go in on a legitimate rant.

Let's just get it out of the way. Elisha has won 2 Super Bowls. We know this. But let's take a look at some real facts.

• Eli has only won 55% of his games. Slightly above average.
• Eli has appeared in the top 10 in interceptions in the NFL in 7 separate seasons.
• Eli has appeared in the top 10 in passer rating in the NFL in 1 season.
• Eli has won a playoff game in exactly two seasons.
• Despite the "terrible offensive line" of the Giants, Eli has been one of the 10 most sacked QBs just once prior to this season.
• Eli does not wear pink to support breast cancer.
• Eli has fumbled 75 times and been intercepted another 156 for a total of 231 potential turnovers. He's thrown 219 touchdowns.

Rachael asked me as I pointed and laughed at Giants fans this weekend: "If he's so bad, why don't they try somebody else?" A logical question. Why indeed? What does Golden Boy have to do wrong to get his ass benched? He's almost playing at Gabbert level. Could it be that the Giants finally have no defense and Manning is being exposed? He's had amazing receivers his entire career and amazing luck. Strip that away, and you're left with Manning Face.

An analogy: Eli is like a cheap stripper. Yea she looks good for a little bit, and if you give her $80 million you'll get your rocks off. But at the end of the night she takes her makeup off and you sober up and you don't wanna be around for that trainwreck. Always remember: you don't turn a ho into a housewife.

Speaking of strippers, there's a protest in New York about Eli. Apparently Johnny Hiyadoin gets stingy when the Giants suck and don't tip well. This is the best story I've read in awhile: http://bustedcoverage.com/2013/10/07/nyc-strip-club-we-will-no-longer-show-giants-games-on-our-televisions/

In fact, Rick's is right around the corner from my office. Considering they'll no longer be showing Giants games, I might have to check it out.

Beef of the Week: 

HE'S NOT EVEN AT THE BEEF YET?!?!? Who doesn't love a good rant? A 3 time beef recipient, this week's award goes to Eric Brooking, for being a complete clown.

EEB contacted me following a Tatz-Elliott trade involving Julio Jones and demanded I admit it was unfair. I would not. He put up a huge stink about how "You can't trade Julio" and it wouldn't stand up through a league vote. I asked what's fair for Julio. "Julio doesn't and shouldn't be traded. Just wait til Dosh sees it. You'll never hear the end of it." Also, "Rebecca would not have allowed this. So it's on you mister. I said kick his ass out and let her in." A direct shot at Elliott.

Guess what? Nary a word from a single league member in protest. After some more back and forth, I allowed Mr. Brooking the privilege of writing the Beef of the Week to have a vice to air his grievances. The rest of the week went down like this:

1. EEB starts Eli Manning

2. EEB gets clowned by 0-4 Tatz with Julio playing no part in the victory

3. EEB refuses to write Beef of the Week

Serves you right. You are the beef.

League 1

Finally the league's bottom feeders got something to eat. Things look a lot closer after Week 5 than they did before. Can't believe Gambino is 4-1. Gross.

1. Team Toliver (5-0) - Last week: 1

Yashar certainly does not mind some late game drama. Got it done again with the Falcons in primetime. This team keeps on chugging along with no end in sight. When you don't have any down weeks and explode in others, you're gonna be in good shape. Now a full 3 games ahead of the teams outside of the playoffs, so barring an absolute meltdown, Yashar will be in the thick of it til the end. Say what you will about the man's fantasy football knowledge, but he now owns a 14-5 career EFFL record. Very impressive.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-2) - Last week: 2

TITTY is much closer to the teams below him than the team above him. True, you were shorthanded, but turning down trades because "I'm trying to win a championship, not get into the playoffs" did you in. Hubris. Remember that word. Goes hand in hand with Eli slobbery. I think this is a playoff team, but I don't think this is a championship contender yet. Keep sticking with what you got, tho. It's worked out well so far. Also told me to carry him the trophy in a backpack because it's my "commissioner duty". I'll refer you to the post-draft blog where you left me with the trophy and your trash. Pound sand.

3. Dueling Pylons (1-3-1) - Last week: 8

Am I high? Not at the moment. The ultimate boom or bust team, the Pylons, like the two teams above them, are the only ones in the league to break 150 twice this season. Both of those this team reached 160. Things could finally be aligning for the Pylons. Brady has his boys back and gets to play in dry weather. Peterson is back in his favorite Pylons uniform. And this team could have the best receiving corps in the league between Dez, DeSean, Blackmon, Hilton, and a progressing Roddy White. Throw in plus athlete Julius Thomas, and you have a team nobody wants to see on their schedule.

4. The King's Crusaders (3-2) - Last week: 4

Struggled through the bye week and still came through with a win. This team hasn't scored more than 121 since Week 1, but you wouldn't know it by the record. This team is going to explode on somebody soon. Still refusing to bench Tavon Austin, but hey, it's always fun to mock your opponent. Even better was that Fusco was against Manning and Cruz and the Giants lost. A seemingly impossible task, but much appreciated.

5. RGIII for President (2-3) - Last week: 3

While I don't think this team is that great, it's a little better than the others. Aaron Rodgers is going to get it going sooner than later. Solid running backs and a budding star in Torrey Smith certainly help. Was unhappy with the drafted team, but I think it's done pretty well. Clearly has not read my Bills rant and went down with Stevie on a Thursday in Cleveland. Better days lie ahead.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-3-1) - Last week: 9

Just like the Pylons, TPG has a nice little 2 game undefeated streak going. The #2 RB slot is giving TPG fits, as both Trent Richardson and McFadden just aren't getting the job done. But could have made a huge pickup in adding Alshon Jeffery. Brandon Marshall recently said "he could be the best to ever play". Not sure where he was referring to, but that must be encouraging. Scrap the 2 RB system. Go 4 wide. You'll feel much better. Arrow pointing up for TPG. Here's the best TD celebration of Week 5:

7. Threeing the Hogs (2-3) - Last week: 6

Put up a decent fight against the winless Pylons, but ultimately fell short. I don't think this team is a championship contender. Too much inconsistency. But there are good players, and this team will definitely win games. The following conversation occurred Sunday morning:

Me: You're getting the whole Raiders roster

Mike: Not sure what you're talking about

Me: I'm using 2 Raiders

Mike: Ah. I thought you were saying my team was changing. Freaked me out since my wife's account was reset. Thought I was hacked.

Me: No need to hack your roster

No respect shown between the Pylons and Hogs. It's a shame these teams don't meet again this year.

8. Tavon in 60 Seconds (4-1) - Last week: 5

What is this roster? It's really sad that this team was able to win another game. Used Fred Jackson, Scott Chandler and Nate Washington. And it's not even like you had better options on the bench. Vick is injured, but I'm sure I'll have to hear about how great Tony Romo is. The troubles of being the commissioner. I really can't imagine this team doing anything of significance, but I guess getting wins now can't hurt. I wouldn't feel confident if this were my roster.

9. Lady Luck (3-2) - Last week: 7

WHAT IS THIS ROSTER? I warned you about using too many white people, but my concerns fell on deaf ears. I think Lady Luck may be a 110-120 point team on a weekly basis, but that's not gonna win you anything. It's a shame you got Brandon Marshall because I hate every single other player on your roster. I think Danny Amendola just got injured watching Monday Night Football.

10. Stanky Monkeys (0-5) - Last week: 10

I'm sorry Lou. Finally strung a good week together, and it still wasn't enough against a dominant Team Toliver. Calvin Johnson was inactive, and Andre Roberts replaced him with a big goose egg. I wasn't aware Marlon Brown was in your lineup or else I would've let you know about that one too. Since the start of 2011, this team is just 9-22 in EFFL play. Thankfully got EEB in the relegation battle last season. It could be getting close to time to check out your week 14 and 15 matchups and keepers to prepare for another final stand.

League 2

There is definitely some separation in League 2 that doesn't exist in League 1. I'm thoroughly impressed with Cutter's team management. He's got the best team across both leagues and has promotion in his sights.

1. Bo$$town Beasts (4-1) - Last week: 1

Came up short despite putting up 149 last eek, but that wasn't about to happen again. Cutty was back with 160 more points in a slam dunk victory. Again, the only slight complaint is no big RB, but if Spiller, MJD or Woodhead become reliable options, there's nothing stopping this team. Peyton and Jimmy Graham is just unfair. Imagine if you had taken Dez over Spiller in Round 2. Lights out.

2. Darkest Norseman (3-2) - Last week: 2

Not quite on Cutty's heels, but clearly ahead of the rest of the pack. Can't believe you used David Wilson. I would've rather started Peterson on a bye. Now that we both have Purple Jesus, we need to get together for football Sundays ASAP. Knowing you, I'm sure you stayed up til 2:30 AM watching Rivers and Denarius Moore take down Ben in another heartbreaker. Huge win. Things looking up.

3. Dick Bag (2-3) - Last week: 7

I can't figure this team out. I want to like it. Dropped from 2 to 7 last week and now back up to 3. Wisely got in on a pair of shorts and it paid off. If the Colts decide that their best receiver should get the ball, you'll be in good shape. I've been surprised with the consistency here. 4 weeks of 125+ is no easy feat. Just don't expect 37 points every week from your kicker and defense. That's extremely frustrating to play against.

4. Street Pigeons (2-3)  - Last week: 5

There's a lot of talent on this roster, but failed to deliver yet again. Having all of your running backs injured never helps, but I maintain you're always better off drafting for yourself. Especially when the guy drafting for you is conceding his season Week 4 after an admission of too much pregaming. A little trading never hurt anyone. Sneak into the playoffs and see what happens.

5. EEB Ventura (3-2) - Last week: 3

Did everything wrong this week. Started Eli. Started with the commissioner. Started the same team as Woody. A loss and drop in the rankings was inevitable. Clearly being up at night with an infant child has created way too much time to think about lineup decisions. This team has a lot of potential, but Jerry Jones is holding them back. You need to get a Showtime Rotisserie. Set it and forget it.

6. Jersey Leshoure (2-3) - Last week: 6

Rough week for Leshoure. Took a loss in the EFFL and will never bet on Northwestern again. It's a terrible place, and the cab drivers blow tree and don't even know where the stadium is. This team is the Chris Fusco of League 2. Classic overvaluing of the team. I'm being harsh. This team has serious potential to move up in the rankings very quickly and can finally ditch all the rookies. In good shape despite the loss.

7. Team Meat Collage (1-4) - Last week: 8

AYYYYYY, a Tatzbite! Congrats on your first win. Showed EEB how to manage a team by benching Brady in torrential rain and using Romo. Thank your boys from the TPG and Pylons for that tip. I'm always willing to help out anyone playing EEB. If this team could get any contribution at all from the secondary players, things would be fine. Jamaal Charles, Julio and Demaryius will suit you well as long as none gets hurt. Looking good.

8. Super Mario Brothers (3-2) - Last week: 4

I think Tatz got the better end of the trade, but that's OK. Your new guys did well. It's the rest of the roster that's the problem. Which guys can you trust? I foresee lineup decisions being a problem for this team as a lot of guys are at the same level. You'd hope to have a stud to turn to every week. Someone like Julio. I think this team is gonna gravitate towards the bottom of the standings, but we'll see.

I think this was the longest blog I've written in awhile. Took me a good two hours to write, so I hope you enjoyed it. Things are certainly getting a lot closer than they were. I'll be back in the bar this Sunday taking notes and finally screaming PETERSON again at the top of my lungs. It's been too long.

Good luck to everyone in Week 6. It's hard to believe we're getting to be almost halfway through the regular season.

Pumpkin Season Abound

The Pylons were found late Monday night shirtless and chugging beer. Surely TPG went to bed with his impending defeat, and it's a good thing he did. Drew Brees continued to throw and throw and throw with 3 minutes left in the 4th quarter despite being up 21 points. Mike Wallace couldn't come through, and it was another classic Pylons Monday night 1 point win. It'll be interesting to see if this one sticks or if somehow a Cowboys cheerleader catching the ball was mistaken for a Dez grab.

It's hard to believe we're already into October. 2013 has been a serious struggle by every stretch of the imagination. Fantasy, real life football, it's all been an absolute disaster. I thought a week off from the bar would be good for the soul, but there was truly a piece missing. There is nothing like screaming at TVs and assholes in a public setting. You need to let your anger out on somebody, and who better than drunken strangers?

It seems like running the ball is a thing of the past in this league. Only five RBs have more than 2 rushing TDs thus far, and 2 of them are Joique Bell and Knowshon Moreno. By comparison, 19 players already have more than 2 receiving TDs. This is a strange year, and some of us have yet to adapt. Nick Gambino had the foresight to start Nate Washington, and then asked how amazing a manager he was. On a scale of 1 to Masterful Coaching, I gave him a Sam Woody, who just happened to start Danny Woodhead and have him put up 25 points. Poor Lou. He had white players score over 100 points against him. I can't imagine coming back from that.

Before we get to the beef of the week, I'd like to do my annual plug of the Cro Halloween party in NYC. I'll be hosting the 4th annual costume party on Saturday, October 26th this year. Everyone is invited for food, booze, and shenanigans. Who knows what'll happen? You could see Mr. McGibblets with a cleaver. You could see rap superstar Sisqo shut down a bar and pose for the paparazzi. You could see Buzz Lightyear trying to hide wood in his pajamas. Everyone should be there. I'll keep posting about it every week.

Beef of the Week

I have some serious beef this week, and it's with America's "pastime". The only thing I'll acknowledge about baseball is that it's "past time" for us to give up on this fake sport. Out of shape dudes sit on a wooden bench chewing sunflower seeds and tobacky, grabbing each other's nuts or doing anything to keep themselves busy for half a year. These guys have been chewing sunflower seeds since the beginning of March. It's October! Is your season not long enough? For teams that reach the World Series, including spring training and the regular season, teams will have played over 200 games in one season. That's utterly ridiculous. And they're adding more playoff teams!

I've had beef with baseball, but now they've sent this Sunday's Raiders-Chargers game to an 11:30 PM Eastern Time start! If anybody hates their opponent enough to start someone in that game, you may be fined by the league. Nobody should be forced to watch Raiders-Chargers til almost 3 AM eastern time. It legitimately starts AFTER the Sunday night game. Thanks baseball.


League 1

I think it's certainly time to admit that the teams at the top of the standings deserve to be there. Each team is a clear favorite at this point to make some noise. We can't have our first back-to-back champ, but I guess it would be better than any of the other names on the trophy.

It's hard to believe this is a real human:

1. Team Toliver (4-0) - Last week: 1

The only undefeated team remaining. What a comeback to defeat Fusco, who mercifully has taken over the record for most points in a defeat. It's remarkable that in 9 seasons, the record has now been broken twice in 4 weeks. Heading into Sunday night, Yashar was down 148-75. But his boys got it done. Tony G, Julio, and Sproles carried him back somehow to grab a huge win. This team is absolutely on fire right now, and it's gonna be tough to envision them slowing down.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-1) - Last week: 3

Move up despite the loss. Real tough break for Fusco. Second high score and came up short. Won't get much sympathy from me, however. With Gronk coming back, Chris can finally get scrub Chris Johnson out of his lineup. Remarkable that in both leagues, the team that drafted Gates as their #2 TE also has either Gronk or Jimmy Graham to go with it. I still am not a believer in Antonio Brown. Guy has completed obliterated Cecil "Garbage Time" Shorts III as the King of garbage.

3. RGIII for President (2-2) - Last week: 2

I'm still high on this team. Suffered a tough loss with both Aaron Rodgers and Jordy Nelson on a bye but the rest of the team still looks pretty solid. Good depth. Won't have to start white running backs. But when Stevie, your kicker and defense combine for 1 point, you're pretty much screwed. Things should get better. This team easily could have been 1-3.

4. The King's Crusaders (2-2) - Last week: 4

Continues to start Tavon Austin despite terrible play. Also seen around the league offering terrible trades. In an unusual spot in the middle of the standings, but I think this team is good enough to pull it together. Will be interesting to see if Chris presses the panic button and tries a fire sale on his roster. One thing's for certain... you can be sure he hates his roster.

5. Tavon in 60 Seconds (3-1) - Last week: 6

I certainly see some dropoff in talent after the top 4 teams. This is I guess the best of the rest. How good can this team really expect to be? Vick is fading quickly, Nasty Nate Washington will never perform this well again, and his trade of Frank Gore looks absolutely horrible. Starting white guys from the Bills and Dolphins is never an answer. Mediocrity all the way, but at 3-1, has a leg up on the rest of the garbage in this league.

6. Threeing the Hogs (2-2) - Last week: 9

Surely Mike thought last week's blog was a backhanded attempt at a trade. Not true. This team actually looks like it could be turning the corner. The pickup of Philip Rivers could prove to be huge if he keeps up his ridiculous play. With Ray Rice getting healthy, I think the arrow on this team is pointing up. Too many white guys for my liking has prevented a bigger move upward.

7. Lady Luck (3-1) - Last week: 5

This team's roster makes me want to vomit. How can you put together such a bunch of scrubs and have them put up the high score of the week? Only Sam. I kid you not, this team got 107 points from white players. Cannot confirm but this must be a league record. I'll bet all of my league titles that this is the best this team does all season. Don't be afraid future opponents. Glorified cupcake.

8. Dueling Pylons (1-3) - Last week: 7

This team is down in the power rankings, and they couldn't be happier. This is the 2nd time this season in 4 weeks the Pylons have held off an opponent on Monday night for a 1 point win. I couldn't imagine what would happen if they took this one away. A late Bilal Powell benching almost cost the Pylons, but they're off the schnide and back in business.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-4) - Last week: 8

It can't be a coincidence that the 3 teams chugging whiskey before the draft are a combined 1-11 with 2 pukes to their name. I tried telling you to get away from Tatz Manhattan and Ginger Man, but you were not to be denied. Repeated blaming of alcohol consumption will do nothing but draw you EEB comparisons. The window is closing quickly. I'd strongly advise bailing on all Raiders and Jets before facing Darryl.

10. Stanky Monkeys (0-4) - Last week: 10

Another week and another loss for the Stanky Monkeys. Got an encouraging effort from Frank Gore, but right now if Brees and Tron don't combine for 60+ points, this team is in rough shape. Hakeem Nicks and MJD are complete busts. Will certainly be tough to see this team winning a game any time soon. It may not be too soon to start preparing for a second straight relegation battle. With 4-0 Team Toliver coming to town, things are not looking good.


League 2

There are no more unbeaten teams in League 2 after EEB Ventura found Snowflake and took down Cutter. Only two teams have fewer than 2 wins, so it remains very close. I'd expect this continue, save Tatz.

Congrats to Elliott on winning the $10 high score prize for Week 4.

1. Bo$$town Beasts (3-1) - Last week: 1

You can't play defense in Fantasy Football. Scores were very high in Week 4. Still at the top of the standings and still leading the league in points, so clearly a still deserving #1. This team probably needs a solid running back, but I'm nitpicking at this point. Now with Gates exploding, Cutty is just getting stronger and stronger. Clearly a favorite to move up to League 1.

2. Darkest Norseman (2-2) - Last week: 3

I've never heard anyone complain so much after putting up 166 points. Even the bench put up over 100. Putting your faith in a Mike Shanahan backfield is always a dangerous proposition. A clear favorite at the beginning of the season, and not much has changed since then. We'll need to get together for football soon so you can whine to me in person.

3. EEB Ventura (3-1) - Last week: 5

You know EEB is thinking to himself "I knew I was too good for League 2 all along". Don't get ahead of yourself here. I really think the only thing preventing EEB from making a return to League 1 is himself. Has too many solid options, which will make lineup decisions that much more difficult. I'm hopeful but skeptical. I still expect him to somehow find a way to get drunk at the trading deadline and trade with Woody.

4. Super Mario Brothers (3-1) - Last week: 7

This might be a little bit of a stretch, but Elliott has some potential here. This team has the opposite of EEB's problem. Not very deep at all, but there's not really too many lineup decisions that need to be made. It's just a matter of will the players continue to make plays? The sooner you get Chris Johnson out of your lineup, the better off you'll be.

5. Street Pigeons (2-2) - Last week: 6

Arrow pointing up on Street Pige. With Aaron Rodgers and Randall Cobb both on a bye, did an admirable job of filling out the roster. Torrey Smith looks real good and Andre Johnson is finally getting healthy. I think this team is ready to make some noise. Side note: Meech is tearing up D-3 Soccer at Neumann University. Already 3 game winning goals this season. Do work, son.

6. Jersey Leshoure (2-2) - Last week: 4

Had beef with being ranked 4th in last week's power rankings and immediately puts up the week's lowest score. Waiting for Gronk is really taking its toll on this team. Also pretty thin at WR which could come back to hurt. Bench and starters combined for only 128 points. Perhaps it's time to hit the waiver wire.

7. Game on Dick Bag (1-3) - Last week: 2

What can I say? The high ranking last week was most likely due to the fact that we have a number of the same players. That's not working out so well for me, so I shouldn't have expected much more here. This team looks pretty decent, but I don't know if it has the feel of a championship contender. Right now, I think there are a number of other teams that have a better shot.

8. Team Meat Collage (0-4) - Last week: 8

Oh Tatz. Put up a very respectable 130 this week, but didn't even come close to a victory. Think about this... when the Broncos are on a bye your starting WRs will be Sidney Rice, Mike Wallace and Steve Smith. The upside of this team is severely limited, which will continue to be a problem. I certainly see a couple trades in your future. Only 2 games back with 9 to play is more than enough time to turn it around.


Things are starting to get a little more serious heading into Week 5. There are a few teams that are on the ropes and need to get it together very quickly. We have only 1 undefeated team left in both leagues, so we'll see how long that can continue. Best of luck to everyone in Week 5.

Pylons Moving Backwards

 

Forgive me if I talk about my own team for a little bit, but it's been a rough few days. I woke up last Thursday at 1-1 and ready to party. Just over 72 hours later, I was 0-3. My beef of the week last week called out Fred Jackson. Little did I know that he would ruin my week 2 and week 3. The guy is going to be 33 in February! It's a ridiculous age for a Running Back and he must be sent out to pasture. No mention from CBS about the condition of CJ Spiller or his backers. Just a healthy dose of Fred Jackson in my face. Again and again, I just can't handle the rules of fantasy football.

The Bills game was front and center where us Bills fans became the centerpiece for finger pointing. No matter where you were, everyone in the bar could see that you were rooting for a terrible team. Conversely, the Giants game was broadcast in a dark corner of the bar, because nobody wants to be around Giants fans. I was later found demanding shots and blacking out after it was official that the Pylons would remain winless.

#2 in the rule book is don't start players against your own defense. This is like hedging, which is never a good idea in fantasy football. The violator this week was TPG, as they were outdone by a Woody kicker on Monday night. Any McFadden or Janikowski points would have been detrimental to the Broncos defense. It's no wonder the Pylons and Gnomes are both 0-3 following these blatant violations.

Beef of the Week: Gamblers

I will admit that I bet on the NFL in weeks 1 and 2. It was not a pretty sight. You don't really know how bad it gets unless you're on the outside looking in. After a rough two weeks, I took a break. Some clown in the bar did not. Dude was screaming at Titans-Chargers for 3 straight hours like an absolute madman. Why would you ever bet on that game knowing you'll have to watch it? When the Titans scored a winning TD this guy started doing Tae-Bo, taking out anyone in his path. It was a truly alarming wake up call. But I'll probably be back on the horse this week. I want to do Tae-Bo.


League 1

Things are already starting to get tense in League 1 as at least one team will be headed to 0-4 and one will be headed to 4-0. You can't really say any team has been wronged by their record as the lowest scoring teams sit at the bottom of the standings. Let's take a look at where each team stands:

1. Team Toliver (3-0) - Last week: 3

Peyton Manning and Julio Jones on the same roster is bad news for the rest of the league. There's plenty of other talent on this roster that can fill in and get the job done. This team should avoid down weeks, which is huge, plus a 3-0 start doesn't hurt. This team didn't even score a TD until Sunday night and still ended up with the 3rd highest score. The current team to beat. This anti-Pylons message also helped:

2. RGIII For President (2-1) - Last week: 4

Darryl has picked up 2 wins since the last blog, which is a tremendous feat. This team is actually 1st in the league breakdown, indicating that with a neutral schedule, this team would be expected to have the best record in the league. Probably in some trouble with the Packers on a bye, but getting that out of the way is huge. This team looks very, very solid right now. Two teams that moved up from League 2 currently occupy the top two spots. An impressive feat.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-0) - Last week: 7

No love! Baby don't hurt me. Jamaal Charles is the top RB. Matt Stafford is respectable. I'm just still not buying it. This just doesn't have the feel of a championship team to me. You tell me EFFL brethren... how many players on this team would you really want to trade for? Maybe 2 or 3 at best? The only thing I'm ranking Fusco first in is most annoying to trade with. Nobody overvalues their players more than Fusco. He'd probably laugh in your face at a Calvin Johnson for Antonio Brown offer.

4. The King's Crusaders (2-1) - Last week: 1

Conceded on Twitter Sunday afternoon. These new tactics work. This team can barely field a lineup, yet when everyone shits the bed, his opponent starts two Raiders and his kicker scores 17 points. This would never happen to anyone not named Woody. It's a new year and the same story. Solid team with potential. Nobody scores points against him and squeaks out wins. Blows up in November and December. This team could be very dangerous moving forward.

5. Lady Luck (2-1) - Last week: 8

I keep flip-flopping on this team. Has some very good players, but really only has that. The management is extremely poor. Blind homerism cost this team a win as they continue to roll out David Wilson despite the fact that he had negative points coming into this week. Benching Cam Newton for Eli Manning cost this team an easy win and a 3-0 record. But hey, knowing Lady Luck, it'll be Darryl who has a CJ Spiller catch overturned this week awarding this team the win.

6. Tavon in 60 Seconds (2-1) - Last week: 5

Not really sure what this team's plan is. Right behind Fusco in terms of overvaluing players. This team is coming crashing back to Earth now that its players who always get injured are starting to get injured. Arian Foster looks like complete doo-doo. Look at this team's Week 4 starters. Absolutely brutal. This team is going to sink like a stone to the bottom of the standings before our very eyes.

7. Dueling Pylons (0-3) - Last week: 2

Complete feast or famine team. This never bodes well for championship hopes. Now faces winless TPG in pretty much a must-win game in week 4. Sad. Who knows what will come of this team, but the inconsistency is too wild to ignore. The robbery of a week 2 victory will haunt this team all season. Started 2 Bills and expected to win. Idiot.

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-3) - Last week: 6

Had a Running Back, Defense and Kicker outscored by a Kicker Monday night. Terrible. Mike Wallace looks like a complete farce and Roddy White is absolutely killing this team right now. If Trent Richardson can't get it together, this team could be in a lot of trouble. See: Pylons, Dueling. Started 2 Raiders and expected to win. Idiot.

9. Threeing the Hogs (1-2) - Last week: 9

Beating up the special kid doesn't get you any points. In fact, it's just rude. It's alarming that this lineup won. Thankfully Jimmy Graham was there to save the day. Graham is the only glimmer of hope this team has, but unfortunately it probably won't go anywhere without trading him. Edelman, Royal, Jared Cook is not a championship team. We've seen far, far better days from Mike Y. Beat King and then come talk to me.

10. Stanky Monkeys (0-3) - Last week: 10

Still in the basement of the power rankings. Still winless. Hasn't scored more than 105 in a single week. That last fact is especially ridiculous considering this team has Drew Brees, Calvin Johnson, and Jason Witten. This team really needs to make some big moves either on the waiver wire or via trade. Maybe trading Hakeem Nicks to a Giants fan is the way to go. He sucks.


League 2

As was the case last week, League 2 appears to have solid balance and the rankings have not changed much since last week. The second highest scoring team is 1-2, while EEB Ventura is just a complete clown. He cannot be allowed back in League 1.

1. Bo$$town Beasts (3-0) - Last week: 1

Very solid week for Cutter. Picked up the $10 high score prize, is the only team in League 2 at 3-0, and is the highest scoring team across both leagues. Add that to the fact that he had 2 players combine for 1 point and it could have been way worse. As is the case in League 1, the team with Peyton Manning is #1 overall. Dosh is surely still wondering why he ever listened to EEB. He's the only one. I'd expect this team to stay consistent all season.

2. Game on Dick Bag (1-2) - Last week: 3

Despite the loss, Sam moves up due to a pretty big week. A healthy Larry Fitzgerald should help this team get it together. Obviously tons of time left, but would be good to get a couple wins under his belt. Big week 4 matchup with the Norseman will leave one team behind, but I like where this team is at.

3. Darkest Norseman (1-2) - Last week: 2

Finally on the board with a victory, but it was over the lowly Meat Collage. The panic button was already hit with the benching of Matty Ice, but things should be turning around. A healthy Roddy White will definitely help Dosh's QB man crush get back on track. I'm expecting big things from this team and certainly view them as a strong playoff squad.

4. Jersey Leshoure (2-1) - Last week: 5

Made quick work of the Eskimo Brothers and jumped all the way to 2nd place. What a collection of guys on this team. 2 Lions, 1 Dolphin, 1 Panther, 1 Ram, 1 Buccaneer. Hasn't seen a good game on Sunday all season. I'm liking this team more and more as time has gone on. I'm expecting this run to continue against the Street Pigeons. There's a definitely dropoff in team quality after the top 4.

5. EEB Ventura (2-1) - Last week: 4

Amazing that this team is 2-1 and in the top 5 despite failing to put up 100 points 2 weeks in a row. I think the Woody syndrome is rubbing off on EEB. When you can have a down week across the board and still come away with a win, you're in good shape. Tough week 4 matchup with Cutter with teams going in different directions. Will be interesting to see if their fortunes change and EEB can break 100 for the first time since early September.

6. Street Pigeons (1-2) - Last week: 6

If I'm the owner of the Pigeons, I'm wondering how this team has done so poorly. Just nothing went right in Week 3, and couldn't even take out an EEB squad that put up a total of 1 TD. Potential is there, but again has failed to deliver. Show me something or you'll be moved down. Also, don't let a guy draft for you who has an obsession with the Raiders. Show up!

7. Super Mario Brothers (2-1) - Last week: 6

I wasn't big on this team last week despite the record, and I think this week was the reason why. Brees and Julio is nice, but there has to be more production from other positions. Good thinking using Dwayne Bowe, but you should never trust Andy Reid. He's laughing all the way to the bank and collecting as the new Kool-Aid spokesman. Beat the Tatz and I'll reconsider.

8. Meat Collage (0-3) - Last week: 8

Just like in League 1, the team I've had at the bottom for a majority of the rankings is in dead last. Word on the street is that other owners are already trying to raid this team for parts. Left 116 points and a win on the bench. Dosh thanks you. There are better days ahead, but questionable lineup decisions have plagued this team thus far. Will be an interesting week 4 affair against the #7 team in the rankings.


I was still reeling from my defeat, which explains the late blog. But we must move forward. Myself, Matt, Lou and Tatz are the only winless teams remaining. Yashar, Fusco and Cutty the only undefeated. I look forward to an exciting week 4.

If you have any pictures or guest comments that you would like featured on the blog, please let me know. I'll be happy to use them. Good luck to everyone.

Week 2: Revenge of the Injury Bug

Week 2 was not for the faint of heart. If you happened to make it through the week unscathed, consider yourself fortunate. Not only did a lot of names go down, a lot of big names went down. Ray Rice, Larry Fitzgerald, Maurice Jones-Drew, Steven Jackson, Eddie Lacy, Andre Johnson and Reggie Bush to name a few. Basically the fantasy football stars of 2008. Live in the now! If you had a number of these guys, your team probably wasn't going anywhere anyway.

A special congratulations is in order to our own Chris Fusco. He and his wife/backer Jenna welcomed their first child into the world. Eli Manning Fusco was born this past Wednesday and weighed in at 8 pounds even. Eli was spotted just four days later with a Yankee pacifier and a Giant "Fusco 25" custom infant jersey. Congrats to Chris and Jenna.

Beef of the Week: Fred Jackson

How is this guy still in the league? He's going on 33 years old, averages less than 4 yards a carry, and is stealing over 10 touches a game from the best player in the world CJ Spiller. What kind of voodoo does this guy possess? He had Chan Gailey mind-whipped, and the new coaching regime was supposed to change that. Offensive Coordinator Nathaniel Hackett infamously said this summer "We're gonna feed Spiller til he throws up". Are you? Are you, Nathaniel? CJ must have a weak stomach because it's inexcusable to have Fred Jackson with 16 touches.

I know what you're thinking... No past or present Bills... Rule #1 of fantasy football. And maybe this is true. Bu, it's just ridiculous at this point. Give your best player the ball. Please. PLEASE!

The below conversation actually happened at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Bumblefuck, PA.

Me: Find Julius!!!

White Trash Guy: Are you a Broncos fan?

Me: No, but I'll take any excuse to root against the Giants.

WTG: Cool, I'm a Chargers fan.

Me: OK...

(5 minutes later)

Me: JULIUS!!! MORE JULIUS!!!

WTG: Do you play fantasy football or something?

Me: No, I'm just a Julius Thomas fan. Been following him since Portland St.

WTG: ........

Me: Yes, I play fantasy football.


League 1

Before we get into the power rankings, I just wanted to quickly highlight the woes of both Darryl and myself. Each of us got rammed to the tune of 194 points in Week 1. Naturally, we faced off in week 2, and naturally, we put up the two highest point totals across both leagues. I ended up the victor by a single point, winning 162-161. Darryl's 161 is the highest score by a losing team in EFFL History. Welcome to League 1.

1. The King's Crusaders (1-1) - Last week: 1 - This still looks like the best team to me. You know, they say Danny Amendola is the new Wes Welker, but I think Tavon Austin may be the new Danny Amendola. A short, white guy with little to no skill who catches all of Sam Bradford's 6 yard passes. Most weeks, this team should feel very confident that they'll be in the game. One thing to monitor may be the depth at RB. If Doug Martin goes down, this team may need to make a big move.

2. Dueling Pylons (1-1) - Last week: 4 - The Pylons currently have the #1 RB, #1 WR, #2 TE, and #1 DEF. None of this includes Dez Bryant, CJ Spiller or Tommy Brady. If Brady can get his act together, this team can threaten the top spot in the Power Rankings. The Pylons always seem to have a down Week 1, but things seem to be turning around quickly. This team has by far the toughest 3 week schedule out of the gate.

3. Team Toliver (2-0) - Last week: 2 - Team Toliver really didn't go down in my book in Week 2. More of a lateral movement. Sproles, Steve Smith, Tony G, Anquan, and VJax combined for 41 points, and this team still put up 120. The Peyton Manning / Julio Jones combo may be the best 1-2 punch across both leagues. Naturally after a down week and with the Pylons coming to town, this team is primed for 150+ yet again.

4. RGIII For President (0-2) - Last week: 7 - For whatever reasons unknown to the league, Marshawn Lynch was benched in favor of DeMarco Murray. If not for that gigantic coaching mistake, this team would be 1-1 with the Pylons left winless. This team was the victim of intoxicated drafting, as while it is very solid on the surface, the depth is not there. With some waiver wire pickups, this team should be in decent shape. Losing to Sam Woody and falling to 0-3 is not an option.

5. Tavon in 60 Seconds (2-0) - Last week: 9 - I can't believe this team is 2-0. The steal of the draft may turn out to be Mike Vick if he can stay somewhat healthy. Recently completed a Frank Gore and Miles Austin for Alfred Morris trade with the Stanky Monkeys. Asked my thoughts, I told Nick "2 is more than 1". That's how it goes with scrubs. I can see this team backing into the playoffs and getting his usual #5 or #6 seed only to be immediately eliminated. The Seahawks defense also is a huge asset.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-2) - Last week: 3 - The Gnomes are already wondering why things have happened the way they have. Trent Richardson has done nothing, Roddy White has been injured, and Mike Wallace and Adrian Peterson have traded weeks of inconsistency. This team is ranked here strictly on potential. It's rare that guys don't put it all together in the first couple weeks. But has a very difficult matchup with the King in week 3 and is in real danger of falling to 0-3.

7. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-0) - Last week: 8 - I'm still not a believer. Usually it's the other way around where I like this team, but the record doesn't support it. Taking the Sam Woody reverse approach is never a good thing. Through two weeks has allowed 197 points. Wouldn't that be nice. The worst part is that Chris faces Nick in week 3, so one of those teams will be 3-0. Barf. Haven't you learned anything from Nick? Trying to fill your holes with Johnsons is always a losing battle.

8. Lady Luck (2-0) - Last week: 5 - I'm actually surprised that drafting Bears with your first two picks can work out, but that seems to be the case thus far. I don't think this team is anything special at this point, but you never know. History has shown that luck is on this team's side. This team's bench is also absolutely terrible, so if someone goes down, it could spell trouble.

9. Threeing the Hogs (0-2) - Last week: 6 - It appears that the rest of the league has found the chink in Mike Y's armor: Open Bar. Not sure what happened to this team, but it is getting ugly quick. Lost Ray Rice and Larry Fitz to injuries in week 2. A possible starting lineup for week 3 includes Russell Wilson, Stevan Ridley, Julian Edelman, Dwayne Bowe at best. Faces Lou in week 3 to determine who truly has the worst team in the EFFL. It might not be too soon to start preparing for the relegation battle.

10. Stanky Monkeys (0-2) - Last week: 10 - When your top 3 running backs are Frank Gore, Maurice Jones-Drew, and Knowshon Moreno, you're in trouble. You figure this team must have gone WR heavy, right? Started a Cardinals #3 receiver in week 2. This team is a DISASTER. Actually made a smart move in trading one guy to pick up two. It's shaping up to be a real struggle for the Stanky Monkeys to make the playoffs this year.


League 2

This side of the EFFL appears to be much more balanced than League 1. Coming up with these rankings was pretty challenging, and this can certainly change on a week-to-week basis.

1. Bo$$town Beasts (2-0) - Last week: 5 - This may be the first time ever that Cutter has topped the rankings, but the Boss has finally done it. While MJD and Hakeem Nicks don't appear to be helping, the rest of this team is real solid. Manning, Welker, Jordy Nelson, and Jimmy Graham are all top options, and there's no reason to believe this team won't be a contender and a top candidate for promotion.

2. The Darkest Norseman (0-2) - Last week: 1 - I'm still a complete believer in this squad. Despite being 0-2, is still the 3rd highest scoring team in League 2. This is a classic example of why depth is so important. You can throw Peterson, Dez and Brandon Marshall out there, but if you're also forced to start Kenbrell Thompkins and Miles Austin, things aren't as rosy as they should be. Already with a huge matchup in week 3 as Dosh faces the Tatz's winless squad. There will only be one winless team left.

3. Game On Dick Bag (1-1) - Last week: 2 - Had a poor week 2, but I'm still a fan. Currently has the top 2 RBs in the league, and potential breakout candidates Jason Witten and Matt Stafford. The Larry Fitzgerald injury hurts in the short run, but this team should be OK. Picked the wrong time to have an injury as the top ranked Cutter sits on the horizon.

4. EEB Ventura (1-1) - Last week: 3 - Came back to earth this week in a total beatdown. This team is an interesting case. Seems to have a lot of solid players, but no real superstars other than AJ Green. DeSean could end up saving him, however.  EEB has put himself in a bind as he will constantly be facing difficult lineup decisions. His track record has shown this is not a good thing. Odds are, he pulls a Gambino, gets a #5 or #6 seed, and shits himself round 1.

5. Jersey Leshoure (1-1) - Last week: 8 - Out of the basement and feasting on a helpless EEB, Ben is headed in the right direction. I bet he's looking back at that Cam Newton pick and wondering why he didn't go with a better receiver. Started both Brian Hartline and Tavon Austin in week 2. That's a bad sign of things to come. Reggie Bush seems to be OK so dodged a bullet there. Will be interesting to see which direction this team heads.

6. Super Eskimo Brothers (2-0) - Last week: 6 - How is the undefeated, highest scoring team 6th in the rankings? I'm not a believer. Brees, Marshawn Lynch, Julio Jones and Victor Cruz looks great right now. But outside of that, this team has nothing. If any of these guys get injured, it's bad news all around. Will have an interesting test against Ben in Week 3. I need to see something from somebody else.

7. Street Pige (1-1) - Last week: 4 - I'm not really that down on this team, but the Andre Johnson concussion is a huge blow. This is yet another team that is very strong at the top, but has not much outside of a couple big players. That should keep you in the hunt for most of the season, but it becomes very difficult to win it all. This team needs to make some smart lineup decisions, which has been a problem in the past.

8. Team Meat Collage (0-2) - Last week: 7 - Winless and dead last in points. But this team certainly has the potential to move up quick. Has probably the most disappointing QB and RB thus far in Brady and Trent Richardson. There is nothing that could have been done last week, and it appears this team will either sink or swim with the guys they're rolling with. Beating Dosh this weekend will be a step in the right direction.


Hope you enjoyed this week's blog. I'm hoping to have more hilarious bar experiences to share with the blog. It's only week 3, but it's already going to be a big one.

The Biggest First Week Ever

"I Fucking HATE Fantasy Football".  It took me all of 2 hours to curse 9 months of anticipation. I think it was around the time Reg Bush decided to rip off a 77 yard catch and run that I knew it was over. I woke up Monday morning DOWN 138 POINTS. This has to be some sort of record. The only person that knows what I'm feeling is Darryl. Each of us got 194 points dropped on us. The only consolation is that Woody had to split the $10 high score prize. How does this happen? Everyone is so pumped up for fantasy, and it all comes crashing down so quickly. The Darkest Norseman dropped 155 and it still wasn't enough.

My Sunday was filled with an all-day attempt to meet Ryan Seacrest and win a couple million dollars on NBC's Million Dollar Quiz. While I passed the first barrier to the live show, the second was insurmountable. My chance at TV fame and millions was gone. As a consolation prize, NBC hooked me up with The Real World San Diego's Ashley. And I'm not making that up.

While you're trying to figure out if my Sunday ended in happy tissues or sad tissues, let's get into the Beef of the Week.

Beef of the Week: "Fantasy Experts"

I had my beef at about 4 P.M. Sunday, and the more I have thought about it in anticipation of the blog, the more the beef has grown. What makes someone a fantasy expert? Do you win a tournament of leagues? Is it witty writing? I just don't understand what makes specific people "experts". If the Talented Mr. Homo Matthew Berry played in the EFFL there's no way he wins more than Woody.

The worst part is this "Fantasy Experts Draft" I saw about 2 weeks before the EFFL draft. All of the "experts" insisted on drafting running backs until there were none left. Some guy was bragging in the comments that he was able to snag Daryl Richardson while one of his competitive clowns lost his season by popping the QB cherry and drafting Aaron Rodgers. Legitimately, these guys were praising the guy for taking D-Rich over Rodgers. It's what the "experts" do.

So where's the beef? Entering Monday, only 2 players had run for 100 yards: a Raiders QB and a Patriots backup RB. Meanwhile, in the EFFL, Yashar drafted Julio Jones first and Woody drafted A.J. Green first. Each broke the 190 point barrier. Eat D "experts". I get the position scarcity, but come on. On the other side of the coin, an "expert" may look at the Stanky Monkeys with the best WR and arguably the best QB in the league and point and laugh at how awful his team is.

Go head Cousin Terio:

Let's move on to the power rankings, which are back for the 2013 season. FYI, the top of the blog has links to both league pages so you can see what's going on with the other league. I'll also post links on the ESPN site for quick access.

League 1

1. The King's Crusaders (1-0) - FUCK!!!! It's only 1 week. It's only 1 week. Woody has absolutely no bench, but as long as his team is healthy it should be solid. Seriously though, what happened at the draft? I didn't think you drank that much, but after round 6 your draft took a nosedive. In the meantime, this is the team to beat. I'm sure after this blow up, he'll put up 87 points against Lady Luck.

2. Team Toliver (1-0) - New year, same story. As I stared at this team inebriated, I thought "prime candidate for relegation". Shows me what I know. Employing the same strategy of Tony G, Sproles, Manning, and a plethora of receivers, Yashar would probably clown the "experts" league. I really thought he'd be the first to break the 200 point barrier. Let's see if he can knock off his arch nemesis Mike Y in week 2.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-1) - No, I haven't lost it. The fact is I'm honestly not that impressed with any of the other teams in the league. It's real close. In a tie, I defer to Peterson. If Trent Richardson, Roddy White, and Mike Wallace combine for 14 points in a week again, I'll shotgun a Natty Ice for old time's sake. Anyone want to take that bet? If everyone takes it, 17 people will shotgun a Natty Ice if it doesn't happen. If it does happen, well then I'll be shotgunning 17 Natty Ices and puking blood for 3 days as my body tries to fight kidney damage.

4. Dueling Pylons (0-1) - Maybe I'm just intoxicated and in denial, but let's do this. Every team has weaknesses, but if Chip Kelly ain't nothin to fuck with, this team is a serious contender. If you're gonna throw up a total dud, it's best to plan it for when your opponent drops 194. I need to stop betting on the Patriots and thinking Tommy Brady is good. Fucking Cutter.

5. Lady Luck (1-0) - Unreal, man. At 1:15 AM Eastern time, convicted juicer Brian Cushing picks off a Philip Rivers pass (who hasn't) and brings it back to the house to give Sam a 1 point victory. Lady Luck indeed. It's always a risky proposition to hitch your wagons to a Jay Cutler led team, but for once I actually think this team is decent. Trying to dispel the notion that you can never have enough white boys, Lady Luck is truly setting a precedent in the EFFL. Could conceivably start Eli, Danny Woodhead, Amendola, Welker, Jordan Cameron, Greg Olsen, and light skinned Lance Moore to form Sexual Vanilla. Should be a solid team.

6. Threeing the Hogs (0-1) - Real tough break for Mike Y. Looked to be in solid shape with just 10 minutes to play in the never ending Monday night idea that nobody can watch when another Woody struck yet again with a defensive TD on Monday night. Gambino knows all about this. Still not sure what to make of this team. I really think it's gonna be hard to be consistently good week in and week out. But the pieces are there. Ray Rice, Fitz, Jimmy Graham is a good start, but we'll see. Appropriately placed in the middle for now. If some of the complementary pieces can break out, there's definitely potential for improvement.

7. RGIII for President (0-1) - Lesson learned. Don't go to Africa and expect a drunk commissioner to draft you the best team. Marshawn Lynch should be better and help this team, and Aaron Rodgers is one of the most consistent players in Fantasy Football. A meeting of the minds with the Pylons in week 2 is going to send one of these teams to 0-2. Let's see what happens.

8. Tweeting In the Trenches (1-0) - AYYYY!!!! LOOKADISGUY!!!! HIYADONNNNN!!!!

I have nothing to say about this clown, other than the below:

As I noted in my post-draft blog, Fusco showed up at the draft with no cash as if the night came as a surprise. About a week later, I received this in the mail. What are you looking at, you ask?

1. Chris Fusco cannot get his own name on the family checks.

2. Jenna may or may not have paid his league fees, but she wrote out the entire check and signed her own name so Chris could send to the commissioner.

Let's try to imagine how this conversation played out.

Chris: Jenna, I need to pay league fees.

Jenna: I thought you won last year.

Chris: I did, but you have to pay every year and I put the winnings in our account.

Jenna: My account.

Chris: Right, so can you make me out a check?

Jenna: I don't like this one bit, Chris. Where's my fucking trophy?

Chris: Uhhhh, I forgot to take it with me.

Jenna: Shocker. Well I'm not paying again without a trophy.

Chris: Jenna, come ahn! Brandon's gonna be so pissed at me if I don't pay.

Jenna: Fine, I'll write you a check because I like Brandon, but if you lose money this year, you're cut off.

Chris: Thank you so much! I love you!

9. Tavon In 60 Seconds (1-0) - Ugh. I'm sad I had to put this team this high. An imitation TITTY, here we have TISSY, who has his team named for a player not even on his own team. This has to be a first. This just isn't a good team. As usual, had his best week in week 1 and will only go down from here. Makes fun of Vince Young, yet thinks Tony Romo-Frank Gore is the new dream team. Occupation: Intramural Basketball coach doesn't inspire much confidence. Prime candidate for relegation.

10. Stanky Monkeys (0-1) - Yikes. It's amazing to think that a team with Tron and Drew Brees is clearly the worst in the league, but that's the case here. Lone bright spot was Shane Verreen, and he's obviously immediately injured. This team might have a couple big weeks, but I can't see it happening on a consistent basis. The only silver lining here is that the other teams aren't all that great, so there's a chance. Already lost to the #9 team in the rankings. With a loss to #8, things may be dire.

League 2

1. The Darkest Norseman (0-1) - Despite losing his first game, dropped 155 points in his first getgo. While it is certainly a disappointing result, it is still very early. If Jordan Cameron turns out to be a big time player, this team will be stacked at pretty much every position. I liked this team the best coming out of the draft, and I still feel the same way now. Probably would have won if didn't get shitfaced and cancel on Sunday football due to hangover. Your complaining about the Redskins use of Roy Helu (2 touches) is just hilarious.

2. Game On Dick Bag (1-0) - Who knows if this name is here to stay, but it's intense. Sam is certainly the Bro-Lo El Cuñado of the League, and he's built a solid team. Perhaps if he decides to trade Shorts for Boxers and Wife Beater he'll end up the favorite. Still one of my favorite one-liners. Definitely the top contender to take down Dosh. Also, Sam puked on draft night bringing our success rate to 33% (4 of 12).

3. EEB Ventura (1-0) - Got a huge win against a tough opponent. Probably due to the incredible team name. We all know that EEB is going to end up stuck in League 2 again next year (or demoted to League 3), but it's fun while it lasts. The most ironic thing here is the connection to Woody's team. Each employs Colin Kaepernick and A.J. Green, so their success is largely tied to the other. How does EEB feel knowing that to root for himself is also to root for Woody? Don't be surprised to see A.J. on the waiver wire come Wednesday.

4. Street Pige (0-1) - Came up just short in his bid to chase down the Eskimo Brothers. A heartbreaking loss for Young Meech. I need to be skeptical of overrating this team like last year. Looked good on paper, but just couldn't get the job done. Week 1 was more of the same. But with the path cleared for Stevan Ridley, this team could get dangerous in a hurry. In-season management here is key. Consistently made poor lineup decisions last year. Let's see if older and wiser pays off.

5. Bo$$town Beasts (1-0) - Cutty and Ben hung out post draft drinking beers and playing a game of Tit with each other. They bonded. First game of the season Cutty laughs in Ben's face as Manning drops 7 TDs in his grill. Spiller and MJD did nothing, Jordy was left on the bench, and he still put up 140+. This team has potential, and maybe at #5 is a little underrated.

6. Super Eskimo Brothers (1-0) - Held on Monday night and got his first EFFL win. Yet another team with Drew Brees that ends up pretty low in the power rankings. But with a decent stable of running backs, Julio Jones and Victor Cruz, you can expect some big weeks. Got a solid week 1 win, but definitely has some holes. Overall I think pretty decent job.

7. Catfood and Lavender (0-1) - It's never a good idea to create a team name to torment your opponent. I've done it before and it never works out  I'm on the fence. On one hand, put up a very solid week despite some poor performances from some big players. On the other, can you expect some of these guys to do the same thing week in and week out? I think your week was officially doomed when you canceled on Sunday football for bed delivery.

At least you got Manning Face

8. Jersey Leshoure (0-1) - Odd man out at this point. Tons of rookies but who knows if they'll contribute. I can't endorse a team that starts James Jones and Fred Davis in week 1. I don't think it's a coincidence that the only guy who didn't make it to Bar 2 after the draft also has the worst team. We're also renaming League rule 2.G "The Lobitz Rule". It reads:

"In the event that a League Member cannot complete a draft due to massive alcohol consumption, the previously made picks will stand. The rest of the member's draft will be selected by the rest of the league".

I truly cannot wait to forget Week 1 and move on to Week 2. There's a lot at stake in League 1 already. Remember, that if you do not reach the playoffs, you will enter the relegation ladder, which is a 4 team elimination tournament. Only the winner will stay in League 1 while the other 3 will drop to League 2.

I apologize for declining humor throughout the blog as my buzz has faded and it's almost 1 A.M. I hope you enjoyed the return of the blog and hope to provide some more humor soon. If you've spent more time reading than enjoying the link at the beginning of the blog, I applaud you.

See you in Week 2.

B

EFFL Draft - The 9th Season

Dosh, try to look creepier. Today is a bittersweet day. I'm excited for the season and have tons of work to do on my team, but it means that another highly anticipated draft is in the books. Everyone I've spoken to had a great time, and I think the draft was very successful. We can definitely have some discussions about future draft locations and dates, as despite trying to plan months in advance, we were still only able to get 12 of 18 members together.

Before we get into the hilarious details of the draft itself, it's time to get into the Beef of the Week. You may be thinking to yourself, "The season didn't even start yet. How can he already have beef?" This beef is personal. I'm calling out Chris Fusco.

Apparently the draft came as a surprise to Mr. Fusco as he showed up to the draft with no cash in his pocket. Additionally, his trophy was left behind in my apartment, which I fully expected. But it wasn't until Sunday morning, that the beef became real.

Chris stayed over in Tatz Manhattan Friday night. I spoke with Tatz yesterday about the condition of his place upon departure, and more specifically if Fusco left his place in shambles. In prior events, there was trash strewn across my apartment, pizza crust in boxes left on my table, and various other missteps. To my surprise, Fusco did not leave any trash behind and generally left his place in good condition. Flashback to this morning. I am emptying the box I carried around all night with the draft boards and what do I find? Every single paper Chris Fusco brought to the draft was left with me. He didn't even stay with me, and I still ended up with his trash. Asshole! Get me that money!!

Here's a picture of Mr. Beef guest bartending as Connor Barth:

Here's something I made which is just hilarious, except for the fact that someone was drinking Bud Heavy:

UPDATE: Apparently it was my Bud Heavy. I'm an asshole.

I wouldn't be surprised if Tatz and I got tackled to the ground in the shots that follow and I was just simply too blacked out to remember it.


The Lottery

Despite traffic, bars and other distractions, the time for the lottery finally arrived. We took to the rooftop of my apartment building and tried to stop the inevitable from happening. EEB got all tough and started shouting at Sam Resta "Hey New Guy!" If Sam responded with "Hey Demoted Guy" he would've been given instant credibility. I started pulling names out of envelopes, and with each one that passed, the anticipation built.

Name after name, and yet none was the picture of Matt Atallian. He looks smug in the above photo, knowing what was bound to happen. We were down to the final two, and still nothing. It would be either Nick or Matt for the first pick. I pulled open the envelope, removed the piece of paper...

"The 2nd pick in the draft belongs to... Nick Gambino!!" I think every other person on the rooftop yelled "NOOOO" except for the man in green. He had done it again. 8 out of 10 years, this guy has pulled the #1 pick in the EFFL Draft. Every year the legend continues to grow. Immediately, Matt texts Lou knowing that the response would be legendary. Lou is furious. When he called me he sounded like he was crying a little bit, and who can blame him.

I was on the verge of tears myself. Immediately my profession was being attacked. "HE CAN'T BELIEVE IT. AS AN ACTUARY, THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN". Matt was laughing in my face. I hate the lottery. Dude talked so much shit before the lottery too. I'd ask him where he hoped he'd end up picking, and I'd get responses like "I know I have the first pick. I'll let you guys sort the rest out." Just absolutely stunning.

For those not in attendance, I made funny pictures and renamed every team (which you can feel free to keep) for the draft lottery envelopes. Here is the list.

League 2
8. Sam Resta - Under the Influence
7. Adam Cutter - The Blackout Bandits
6. Adam Tatz - Team Meat Collage
5. Eric Brooking - EEB Ventura: When League 2 Calls
4. Ben Lobitz - Flex Positions
3. Mike Atallian - Street Pigeons
2. Elliott Miller - Overpopulated Quails
1. Whye Dosh - The Darkest Norseman

League 1
10. Brandon Riff - Crack Attack
9. Sam Woody - Sloppy Kissers
8. Mike Young - Shattered Dreams
7. Chris Woody - Ribs 'N' What Not
6. Darryl Hazelwood - The Fake G's
5. Yashar Toliver - Bathhouse Brawlers
4. Lou Sarcone - The Penis Helmets
3. Chris Fusco - Daddy Combover
2. Nick Gambino - Country Grammar Police
1. Matt Atallian - Snuggle Buddies


The Draft

Before we headed to the bar, TPG demanded Delaware little league baseball be put on the TV. Being from Delaware is a cult. Everything else about the state is the greatest thing ever. We're close to major cities! We're close to the beach! Chain Restaurants! One area code fore the entire state! As we moved to the bar for the draft, I was still in shambles over the lottery. The night could only go up from there. And up it did.

By the time the open bar began, the entire league had already been drinking for a good 3 hours. It's amazing a draft was even able to be had. And the worst part is that despite being far more sober than the rest of the league, Gambino still made the worst picks. He was flat out laughed at when Tony Romo went off the board in the 5th round. He followed it up with Miles Austin, Jermichael Finley and BenJarvus Green-Ellis. Clearly a prime candidate for relegation. Lou didn't have one of his famous collapses early in the draft. But Sidney Rice in the 7th round has to be up there. Rice wasn't even selected in the League 2 draft.

One of my favorite moments of the draft was when a nice young lady entered the back room of the bar and Dosh immediately demanded to know who planted her there. Apparently easily distracted, this could not be had. Predictable, his draft went downhill immediately after this interruption.

Also heavily intoxicated, Matt Atallian was angered when he was told Mike Wallace had gone down for the year. Belligerent, he finally cooled down when he realized he was being messed with. Then round 8 came along. Matt grabs the pink stickers and puts Dennis Pitta on the board. Everyone starts laughing at him and tells him Pitta is out for the year. But he's not falling for this one again. After about 5 minutes, he finally concedes that Pitta is actually injured. He grabs the pink stickers again and just puts Owen Daniels over top like nothing ever happened, which I allowed. He then goes on a two minute rant about how he's possibly supposed to keep up with injury news while picking for his brother like they're related (COME TO A DRAFT MEECH).

Matt also ended up with a combined 16th and 17th round pick of Mark Sanchez. He looked like this after the selection:

Also this:

Despite being doused with green stickers, Matt notified everyone that he didn't care, as he was "wearing running back green". Matt was also convinced that Ryan Swope was a nice sleeper for this year, who Matt drafted in Round 15. Ryan Swope has retired from football. As you can tell by the final few round picks being nowhere near straight, things had gone downhill:

Here's the League 2 Board:

The open bar had taken its toll on everyone, and things started to get out of hand. Stickers were being used as weapons as all hell broke loose. People and items were being plastered with stickers. There were stickers on the bar, on the floor, and on people. The bartender seemed to be upset, and then decided it wasn't worth it. She joined in and hit people with stickers as well. Here are some photos of the carnage:

The After-Party

While open bar got cut off around 12:30, the EFFL After Party raged long into the night. In addition to the partying, a possible budding romance between Sam Woody and Mike Y was building. Mike Y also puked late in the night in a possibly unrelated incident. Beer Pong was played and dominated by Dosh. Adam Cutter puked. Adam Tatz puked.

But the real winner the next morning was Ben. Despite being too drunk to even make it to the after party, Ben woke up the next morning and blew a .07 at 11 AM the next day!!! So impressive.

If anyone has more pictures from the night that they'd like to share, please let me know. The ones I've received so far are beyond funny. If I'm also missing any important details from the night, blame it on the fact that I blew a pathetic .03 at 11 AM the next day.

So, another year of EFFL Draft is in the books, and there is work to be done. The blog is back. Football is back. I think it's safe to say that this year's draft would rank #1 on pretty much everyone's list. Each year we keep raising the bar, and there's no telling what could happen next year at the special EFFL 10th anniversary draft. I'm glad everyone that was able to come out had a great time. For the guys that didn't, you were surely missed.

I'm looking forward to future blogs, banter, and everything else in between.

Yours in EFFL,
Cro