The Dreaded Injury Bug – Super Blog

First I just wanted to apologize for not having a recap last week and for this being so late this week. Been really busy at work lately, but I want you all to know that my commitment to the EFFL and defeating league clowns Fusco and Gambino is 100% there. I am always taking applications for guest bloggers. But to make up for it, this will be a longer than usual blog with lots of excitement. I truly cannot remember a year where there has been such animosity between teams. To quote TPG, my phone is literally smoldering each Sunday with hatred and smack talk. One day we will have the technology to convert these text messages into message board format, but until then trust me it has been outstanding.

Some highlights from week 5 include the first time I’ve ever heard Woody curse in my life. Following a 2^nd Percy Harvin TD to defeat Jimish on Monday night, I received a text saying “that’s how you get shit done”. While disgusted, I could not agree more. Also, classic hubris from Fusco as he indicated to me that he likes when I pick against TITTY because he always wins. Sadly, a meaningless Favre pick and Jets defensive TD with a minute to go on Monday night won the game for Nick. Here’s how things played out in week 6:

Tequila Party Gnomes 111 – Maybe This Time 101:

This has to have been one of the most uneventful fantasy games in recent memory. Although viewing the Sunday games with TPG for the first time in a long time, he seemed distant and disinterested in anything related to fantasy. Focus was simply on gambling and trying to out-boss everyone in the place with his Lions ballcap. I must say this: if you ever get the chance you should go to Delaware Park to watch the gambling degenerate fools. The bigger the hit, the better. Legal, illegal, doesn’t matter. If players are injured, dancing or blazed on the field, this crowd loves it. One player combined on these two teams put up over 18 points. Total snooze fest, but TPG definitely needed the win to get back into contention.

Here is my annual rant on Sam, and this is entirely on the shoulders of the schedule maker. In the past 20 regular season games, opposing teams have scored more than 115 against Sam a total of 3 times. THREE! The Pylons and TITTY have allowed more than 115 4 times each already this season! This luck is unheard of in fantasy football. Or at least I’ve never heard of it. This is not a knock on her team, but damn what did she do to deserve this? She’s played one of the top 4 scoring teams of the week only 4 times. Wow. I’ll let that sink in while Fusco cries about how he’s allowed 140 4 times this season. Poor guy hasn’t even played the Pylons yet.

The King’s Crusaders 139 – Tweeting In The Trenches 105:

Said TITTY took it hard on the chin this week. Any time your opponent has 100 points by 3 PM you know you’re in trouble. This was a week where the Schaub-Andre Johnson combo just wreaked havoc. Also, finally a Greggy Jennings sighting after going missing through the first 5 weeks of the season. The King has been pretty hit or miss this season so far. When Andre Johnson has a big week, so does this team. Also having your opponents score an average of 94 per game the past 3 weeks is the cure for everything. I think Fusco is in some trouble here, now losers in 4 of 5. I’m just staring at his roster and this team doesn’t scare me at all. But I don’t think it’s all his fault. Teams have either put up 140+ on him (0-4) or scored less than 95 (2-0). This is indicates to me that he looks like a middle of the pack team at best and losing Addai and Dallas Clark certainly doesn’t help matters whatsoever. Woody is now 5-0 against the 2 2009 expansion teams. Guys, he’s really not that intimidating.

Animals With Eyepatches 158 – Dueling Pylons 114:

Sure the Pylons are 2^nd in points scored and 2^nd in the breakdown. Sure they have as of today the #1 QB, RB, WR, TE and #3 RB. And sure, Jimish is just the latest to unleash fury on the Pylons with a ridiculous league high this season of 158 points. Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Marshall were absolutely relentless during the 1 o clock games. There is a pending league investigation into Bowe’s illegal use of stick um after a TD celebration went horribly wrong. What was initially intended to be a spike of the ball clearly showed Bowe with the ball stuck to his gloves ala Orlando Jones in The Replacements. Bottom line, if 3 of your players are forced to leave the game due to injury, you’re not going to win regardless. Week 6 was an absolute mess for the Pylons as this team will now be forced to use many reserves for the next couple weeks. Jimish’s team is absolutely on fire, and I know that I’m scared of him. Most points scored and fewest points allowed is the ultimate recipe for success, and the Eyepatches look very good thus far.

Stanky Monkeys 116 – The Stone Masons 100:

PLEASE USE DERRICK MASON. PLEASE. The entire league has been Jonesing for him since August 27^th and we’ve yet to see him make an appearance. Also, starting a kicker on a bye is the ultimate statement, especially when that kicker is Mike Nugent. I know it is difficult to remove him from your lineup, but this cannot be the optimal strategy. These teams have now faced each other a total of 11 times, and one or more teams has scored 100 or less in each of those 11 meetings. I find that absolutely remarkable. Lou is dead last in scoring yet sits at a somewhat respectable 2-3-1. This 116 was his high for the season. Every other team’s high is 134+. That is unbelievably bad. To make matters worse, in between weeks I have to listen to offers of “oh I’ll give you an injured guy and Wes Welker for Manning, and while I’m at it, throw in the #1 RB for Wayne also”. Get out of here. If this team makes the playoffs… just wow. With the Pylons or TITTY’s schedule, the Monkeys would be 1-5 and a bottom feeder in this league. In the Monkeys past 10 games dating back to last year and including the playoffs, they have averaged barely over 96 points per game. If by some off chance I were to be considered a hater, this is the team I would hate on the most.

Johnson’s Farm 100 – Coach Janky Spanky 99:

Obviously for good reason this game was saved until the end. This was about as disgusting as it gets in fantasy football, and I know if I was EEB I would be sick about it. To make matters even worse, Nick won in exactly the same fashion he won the prior week with a meaningless garbage TD at the end of the Monday night game that should have never happened. If not for greed, this team would be near the bottom of the standings as well. The Farm’s past 4 games have been decided by a combined 7 points, which is absolutely absurd. In addition, all 4 of these games came down to the final seconds of the Monday night game. Behind the scenes, Gambino’s favorite people at ESPN were orchestrating something that would crush hearts around the world.

With a little over two minutes remaining in the game, ESPN approached both Jeff Fisher and Jack Del Rio to notify them that they were hoping for some more TV timeouts. While Fisher scoffed at calling unnecessary timeouts, Del Rio jumped at this opportunity to suck at the teet that is the worst sports network in the world. Fisher wanted to take a knee to end the game, but Del Rio was having none of it. So instead of the game ending peacefully the Titans were given more opportunities to run the ball, and wouldn’t you know it on a 4^th down play Chris Johnson rips off a 35 yard TD run and giving the Farm a 1 point victory.

EEB was sent into an absolute frenzy as he started to shake violently and curse out his fiancée. While she reminded him that he was doing better in his 14 other leagues with random internet phenoms, nothing could console him in his EFFL misery. This has to be one of the absolute most painful defeats I have ever seen in my life. To make matters worse, the next day I received a phone call that was nothing but a 10 minute rant on how fantasy football ruins lives and how he will never be the same or as innocent as he was before that sexual abuse. I’m sorry man. I know Nick wishes it was me or Lou that it happened to, but sometimes you just gotta take it and move on. You may get revenge when you guys meet up again in the final week of the season.

**** Week 7 Preview ****

The Stone Masons (2-4) v. Dueling Pylons (3-3):

Although these are my two favorite teams in the league, they do not win the game of the week award simply because there is just not enough beef between them. Heading into their last meeting, the Pylons had owned the Masons and defeated them in an EFFL record 8 straight games. Now these two teams sit at a crossroads. Each sits right in the thick of the wild card realm, yet each is dealing with their own problems. The bye weeks have caused all kinds of problems for each, and now each must show that they can use their reserves to get a win. This is such an important game, and a Masons win would really open things up for the rest of the league. This very well may come down to Felix Jones on Monday night against the Giants, but I think the Broncos passing game goes off this week against a Raiders secondary who was abused two weeks ago by the Pylons receivers. I’m looking for the Masons to take this one and get back into league contention after a slow start.

The King’s Crusaders (5-1) v. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-4):

After an impressive showing last week, the King has moved well ahead in the Odds division. I don’t know how he does it every year. 3 of his 5 wins have come when he scored fewer than 105 points. Any time I score less than 105 I get blown the fuck out. The last 7 times these teams have met, the King has averaged 140 points. Matt must be excited to see Andre Johnson on the bye this week. I really don’t know how I feel about this King squad. I think reputation alone is making a huge impact, but I’m really not all that impressed with the roster. Personally I think trading McFadden was a bad move. After all the love over the years for him, to let him go for a backup QB and Giants Steve Smith seems foolish to me. Nicks clearly is the guy in New York now, and Smith is nothing that special. These teams combined have 5 players going Sunday and Monday night so this will certainly be one to watch towards the end of the week. I think the Flacco-Boldin combo explodes this week and TPG takes this one. Represent the evens division well. After this week the King only has one out of division game left, so this is critical to create some distance if the divisional matchups go poorly.

Animals With Eyepatches (5-1) v. Maybe This Time (4-2):

These teams met 3 weeks ago when each was 3-0 and Jimish came out ahead in a battle that didn’t appear to be of 2 unbeatens. Sam is the only team that has scored 100+ in every single week thus far, so congratulations. I think this again will be a tight game, but the Eyepatches just look so strong right now. This game very well may come down to Monday night with Bradshaw and Witten going against Romo. 4 of the past 5 games between these two have been decided for 5 points or less and I expect nothing different this time around. The Eyepatches could be hurt, however, if the EFFL commissioner does decide to suspend Bowe for his illegal action last week. Maybe Brandon Marshall again this week can get every pass thrown his way and have 25 points before halftime. Maybe all of your players shouldn’t play at 1 o clock torturing the other team mercilessly for hours. Maybe Ryan Torain shouldn’t look like a coked out version of Ricky Williams in his picture. None of these things are going to happen this week, and the Eyepatches are going to continue to mow through this league at a record pace. And by mow I mean scoring 107 points since you’re playing Sam. PS Happy Birthday Jimish.

Stanky Monkeys (2-3-1) v. Johnson’s Farm (3-2-1):

I know this game may have appeared to be the game of the week, but it’s not. Nothing either team has done deserves any sort of special mention whatsoever. Both of these teams suck, and have been given far too many chances thus far. They met 4 weeks ago when a controversial scoring change left the first meeting in a tie. There is a lot of bad blood and this is a matchup where each team wants to win desperately. But, it may only take 90 points to win this one. This is actually a very important game for both teams, because if they end up tied in the standings, the winner of this game will have the tiebreaker over the other. And since the likelihood of there being another tie in the league is pretty small, we really could be talking about the last team in and last team out of the playoffs. Nick once again has a player going Monday night in Miles Austin. If this comes down to the end again I think we may lose an EFFL member due to stress. I’m picking the Monkeys just cause. Why not?

**** Game of the Week ****

Coach Janky Spanky (1-5) v. Tweeting In The Trenches (2-4):

Although this matchup features two teams at the bottom of the standings, this game is here for one reason and one reason only. Both of these teams suffered heartbreaking Monday night defeats at the hands of the Philly Moron. Each team is reeling right now, and neither can afford to slip any further than they already have. If EEB falls to 1-6 he will almost certainly be out of the playoffs. Likewise, Fusco can ill afford to have anyone below him pass him in the standings. Over the past 2 weeks these teams have scored the exact same number of points. Over the past 4 weeks these teams also have scored the exact same number of points. Even worse, a Fusco loss could put him below Sam for worst all time EFFL winning percentage. Other than playing each other, the only win either has gotten was by beating Lou. Precisely why I am a huge hater. I really think this will be the best game of the week and I guarantee the loser ends up in tears. Yet again EEB will have to wait to see what happens Monday night, and I think it’s going to be another week of misery, leaving EEB questioning his purpose in life yet again. I like TITTY to win this one and put some heat on the other playoff contenders.

Well that finally wraps up this massive document. I’ve hit the middle of page 5 in Word and this has set the record for longest blog ever. Hope you enjoyed it. Good luck this week.

Business As Usual

We are roughly a third of the way through the 2010 EFFL season, and the league is totally wide open. An interesting fact: In week 4, teams combined to score 1058 points, or an average of 105.8. This is the lowest total scored in the league since we expanded to 10 teams. 5 teams are currently within a game of each other for the final two spots. Every game is so critical. As indicated in last week’s recap, Week 4 brings about a great opportunity in the league. It’s a virtual “knockdown” week with 1^st place playing 2^nd, 3^rdth, 5^th playing 6^th. playing 4 All this is going to do is jumble the middle of the standings even more. Teams that have started off well are not safe, and teams that have started off poorly aren’t out of it by any means. Let’s get into what down in Week 4 before I go on a rant with wild week 5 predictions. I must say it is not nearly as fun writing these not hungover.

**** Week 4 Recap ****

Tequila Party Gnomes 121 – Coach Janky Spanky 108:

One of these teams finally has their first win, and I am much happier it is TPG than EEB. The Gnomes really caught their stride in the 4 o clock games with huge efforts from MJD and EEB prodigy Zach Miller. The dynamic backfield duo of John Kuhn and Justin Forsett was not enough to get Janky Spanky out of the hole. The running back situation is a total mess, and with Cutler putting up negative points, this team really had no shot to claim the win. FACT: No team that has started 0-4 has ever made the playoffs in the EFFL. It’s an enormous hole to climb out of. Kudos to TPG for stepping on a team when they are down and doing what is necessary to win. Matt is the 2^nd highest scoring team over the last two weeks so this definitely looks to me to be a team on the rise. It appears this team will be on the shoulders of Joe Flacco for the long haul.

The King’s Crusaders 81 – Johnson’s Farm 77:

Barf. The last time a team won in the EFFL with 81 points or fewer was all the way back in the 2007 playoffs when again the King took down Lou in the semifinals 78-75. Far too many teams this season have had strong showings and come up empty for this to happen. If you remove your kicker and defense and you score only 55 points you should be absolutely embarrassed and be part of a public league shaming. Maybe something like this. I knew Nick was a lightweight, but it has become clear who the league needs to keep feeding alcohol at subsequent drafts. It has given everyone a leg up. This team has gone from bad to worse. The King? One impressive week, one terrible week, and two decent weeks. If this team can get healthy, they could be dangerous down the stretch.

Dueling Pylons 120 – Stanky Monkeys 112:

After 4 years of waiting, the Pylons have finally taken down the Stanky Monkeys. This ends the league’s longest winning streak by one team over another. If not for a Vick injury the result may have been different, however DeSean Jackson was mostly ineffective the entire game. For the second straight week, a Manning to Collie 4^th quarter TD was the difference between a win and a loss for the Pylons. The Pylons have been cruising the past 3 weeks, however only one win has come easily. Over the past 2 weeks the Pylons have allowed the 2^nd most points in the league. These teams have had a huge reversal of fortunes. It was just a week ago that Lou had 2 of the top 3 QBs in the league. One trade and one injury later and you’re left starting David Garrard. Tough break. After this game the Monkeys declared that the Pylons are the best team he has ever seen at any point in the EFFL. Shocking to hear, but surely this will inflate the Pylons ego.

The Stone Masons 144 – Tweeting in the Trenches 90:

The Masons still have not scored between 79 and 144 in a game. This team is completely like night and day. It does appear that the Broncos receivers could be here to stay, and it was just 2 seasons ago that Eddie Royal was a vital part of the team’s success. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to see this team rip off a couple wins in a row and get right back into the hunt. TITTY has so many boom or bust players that this team is a constant threat, but at this point they look like a borderline playoff team at best. Fusco is holding onto his players like grim death, and refuses to admit players that are busts. If he had the same team 2-3 years ago his team would be amazing, but this is not the past. Classic moves of an old timer. He may be balding quicker than we all had believed.

Animals With Eyepatches 105 – Maybe This Time 100:

This game did not live up to its billing as game of the week, but after 4 weeks Jimish has the only undefeated team remaining. Likewise, no team that has started 4-0 has ever missed the playoffs. This is a great sign for Jimish who has already matched his entire win total from last season. Sam could be in some trouble despite sitting at 3-1. Losing Steve Smith to injury and having to face the bye weeks may be difficult, but I think this is a talented team that can get some wins when needed. I definitely think this is a better team than last year. The Eyepatches are going to be a threat all season long and should be in for very few down weeks. Congratulations on still being undefeated Jimbo.

**** Week 5 Preview ****

Coach Janky Spanky (0-4) v. Stanky Monkeys (1-2-1):

These are the two lowest scoring teams in the league. Last week each team set season highs for points scored, but neither team has broken 112 points in any week this season. Pathetic. Lou has to have the least intimidating team I’ve seen in awhile. EEB’s is not much better but at least he has some breakout potential. Last year these teams met twice and in both of them neither team broke the 100 point mark. This includes a 95-78 Stanky Monkeys playoff victory. Yes, dating back to last year Janky Spanky has scored 461 points in his last 5 games (92 per game). First to 100 wins? EEB also traded away his highest scoring player this week, so I think that does not bode well for his chances. I’m picking the Monkeys.

Dueling Pylons (3-1) v. Maybe This Time (3-1):

How do you get out of an 0-4 hole? Trade aforementioned highest scoring player to league juggernaut. The Pylons now have the #1 scoring QB, RB, WR, and TE as well as the #2 scoring RB. That means absolutely nothing for this week’s game. Maybe This Time is certainly no slouch either as both of these teams have been in the top 3 in scoring virtually all season. The last time these teams met was quite the battle. After facing weak opponents all season and being ripped in the blog for it, Sam needed a victory in the final week to secure a bye. The playing for nothing Pylons dropped 150 and prevented that from happening and certainly cost Sam some money. I look for her players to exact some revenge this time out, and despite being projected for almost 180 points this week, I think the Pylons come up short in this one. Having to root against Adrian Peterson on a Monday night game is like torture.

Tweeting in the Trenches (2-2) v. Johnson’s Farm (1-2-1):

Ugh. And before we go any further, yes every Johnson’s Farm review must begin with a one word sentence expressing my disdain for this team. And that new poll on the league homepage? I’m the one who voted for you. Yes, I said it. Lifetime the Farm is under .500, yet this team has never missed the playoffs. It absolutely baffles me. TITTY meanwhile sits at 2-2, and this is an absolutely critical game to have early in the season. A loss will have Fusco right in the huge mix of teams in the middle, but a victory here could solidify this team as a legit contender. I just don’t see it happening. I think after a monster week from TO and Nicks last week they fall short, as well as Moss on Revis Island. Nothing about either roster really impresses me or strikes me as dangerous, as these are two of the bottom three scoring teams in the last 3 weeks. I’m picking the Farm. It pains me.

The King’s Crusaders (3-1) v. Animals With Eyepatches (4-0):

This is a game that I’m very interested to see. After looking very strong through 3 weeks, each of these teams fell a little short last week in the points scored column. Luckily it didn’t matter for either team. This week I think things could get a little rough for the Eyepatches. Having Delicious Mendenhall and BMarsh on a bye is definitely going to hurt, as well as a still injured Moreno. All but 4 players combined are playing at 1 o clock on Sunday, so this will most certainly be a tense 3 hours of football. These teams always have high scoring games and despite the handicaps each team is facing, I expect more of the same. I think CJ Spiller absolutely explodes this week and shows why he was a top 10 draft pick. If I know one thing about football, it’s that you must put your faith in the Bills. They never steer you wrong. I couldn’t have possibly imagined Jimish being 5-0 to start the season, but I’m picking him here. I don’t see any of Chris’ players putting up a monster week, and I think that’s what it’s going to take to win this one.

**** GAME OF THE WEEK ****

Tequila Party Gnomes (1-3) v. The Stone Masons (1-3):

Interesting fact. 5 of 10 teams have broken the 120 point mark twice this season. Those 5 teams are all members of the evens division, and that includes these two teams. Over the past two weeks the top 5 scoring teams also are all members of the evens division. This game earns game of the week status because neither of these teams can really afford to fall any further in the standings than they are. Each got a critical win last week to get out of an 0-3 hole, but there is still work to be done. There is not much history between these teams as they have only met a total of 7 times in 5 previous EFFL seasons. These meetings however have been extremely, extremely close. Here are the margins of victory in the history of this series: 6, 25, 4, 3, 6, 11, 4. This game could come down to Monday night, and I’m sure TPG will be on edge for the entire excruciating performance from Jon Gruden. I think the Gnomes running backs will be too much in this game against 2 lousy run defenses.

Well that wraps up another 2,000 word essay. I think after this week we will see a lot of teams grouped together right at the edge of the playoffs. It’s certainly going to be exciting and good luck to everyone.

G Status

Week 3 in the Books

We’ve made it through our third week of the 2010 EFFL season, and I must say the results thus far have been quite interesting. The only two remaining unbeatens are two teams who usually do not make much noise around the league. Hats off to Sam and Jimish for putting together impressive showings thus far. There were a few extremely painful losses this week, and it will be interesting to see how the teams rebound. The good news for the teams near the bottom of the standings is that in the next 2 weeks the teams at the top will most likely beat each other up. These are critical games for teams looking to avoid being in the cellar all season as well as teams looking to really make a statement in the league. Here’s what went down in Week 3.

Tweeting In The Trenches 112 – Coach Janky Spanky 94:

This EEB team is sputtering and I can only attribute it at this point to one thing. Classic hubris. Always ready with his picks at the draft and scoffing at how this or that guy could still be available, things have come full circle on Janky Spanky. This team is just not scoring at all. Last in points scored, last in the breakdown, and last in wins. Oh and just in case nobody was enjoying this enough, EEB is also 0-3 in his other semi-competitive league. Antonio Gates is the lone bright spot on this dismal team. Just wait until the Cutler turnovers. I can’t tell what’s going on with TITTY at this point. I think this team has a lot of potential and could be very dangerous down the line. He has the right kind of players for a hot streak. A 2-1 start certainly doesn’t hurt.

Animals With Eyepatches 150 – The Stone Masons 79:

For teams struggling and frustrated (see TPG below) with other teams scoring I offer the same advice as always. If you score the most points nobody can beat you. It also goes in reverse. If you score the least amount of points you’re not going to beat anybody. 2 of 3 weeks the Masons have been the lowest scoring team and in the other one they deserved to win. Talk about feast or famine, the Masons have not scored between 79 and 144 through 3 weeks. At the same time allowing 150 in back to back weeks makes that pretty irrelevant. The Eyepatches, I must say, have been very very impressive thus far. It has been awhile since it has been said that they were a feared team in the EFFL but that time has returned yet again. This is the first time since 2005 that Jimish has started off 3-0, and this team is clearly a contender and a favorite at this point.

Maybe This Time 146 – The King’s Crusaders 114:

I was very pleased to see this score. The King had not lost since Week 12 of last year and it was nice to see him come up a little short. Currently 3^rd in both points scored and the breakdown, Chris looks to be a pretty solid team thus far. The receiving corps looks a little sketchy but hitting on Matt Forte and McFadden has proved to be huge. If those guys can continue to play well, this will certainly be a playoff team. Each week Sam has gotten better and put up more points. I knew Peterson was going to have a monster day. I’m thinking about giving him an additional 2 points for each death stare he gives Brad Childress during the game. To be 3-0 with virtually no production from her receivers is pretty good.

Johnson’s Farm 106 – Stanky Monkeys 106:

Let’s just start with the obvious. The Stanky Monkeys left 148 points on the bench. That’s right… 148!!! This was quite a controversial game with the Monkeys getting a scoring adjustment to get the tie. This was purely managerial failure at its finest. In both Farm non-losses, the opposing team has left 125+ points on the bench. This team could also very easily be 0-3. The Farm fell again into its standard 106-116 scoring week. A tie certainly will shake up the standings, and there always seems to be 1 every year. I would not be surprised to see both of these teams battling to make the playoffs all season.

Dueling Pylons 143 – Tequila Party Gnomes 134:

While this game was not as close as the one above, this game earns the final review for being one of the biggest comeback victories in EFFL history. After the 1 PM games were completed the score in this game was TPG 91 – Pylons 48. At about 4:30 PM Steven Jackson and Zach Miller had both scored TDs and the Pylons were begging for mercy. I don’t know at exactly what point it happened, or what it was, but somehow the Gnomes angered the fantasy gods in ways I have never seen before. It was a nonstop assault of Vick to Jackson, Manning to Collie, and when the dust had settled the 3 remaining Pylons players had put up a whopping 95 points. No lead is ever safe, especially around white guys. I felt sick over this for a day, but after seeing Jay Cutler almost ruin my lead against the Packers D I’ve gotten over it. It’s fantasy. Shit happens. It’s good to be back.

**** Week 4 Preview ****

Coach Janky Spanky (0-3) v. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-3):

We know that at least one of these teams will still not have an EFFL win through Week 4. We also know that after this week EEB will still be in last place in the odds division. Last year these teams split their two meetings, but the fact that this is the only time they play this year makes this game that much more important. If fighting for a playoff spot at the end of the regular season, it would be very advantageous to have a tiebreaker over the other team. Thus far TPG has shown flashes of being a solid squad and easily could have had a victory last week. EEB meanwhile has shown pretty much nothing through 3 weeks, and looking at the projected starters this week I don’t expect that to change much. I think the Gnomes get their first win and avoid the league cellar.

Tweeting in the Trenches (2-1) v. The Stone Masons (0-3):

The Masons need a win, and they need it bad. These teams have been complete opposites each of the three weeks, but I think this is a game that is gonna come down to the wire. TITTY will most likely have a couple players still going Sunday and Monday night so it will be vital for the Masons to establish a big lead early. BG took both meetings between these two last year, but I think Fusco takes this one. This will definitely be one of the best matchups in the league in Week 4.

Dueling Pylons (2-1) v. Stanky Monkeys (1-1-1):

The Pylons have not beaten the Stanky Monkeys in 7 consecutive tries dating back to 2006. This is the longest such streak between any 2 teams in the league. This disgusts me. The Pylons have also outscored the Monkeys in each of the 3 weeks, and overall have scored almost 100 more points on the season. Before lineup adjustments ESPN also currently projects the Pylons as 61 point favorites. Something is not right here. The Monkeys bench exploded last week, and in the past 6 meetings between the 2, Lou has averaged 135 points. It really may take 150 to win. Having to fend off Welker as he catches 2 yard passes on Monday night may be tough, but I think the Pylons are just too strong and are rolling right now. Look for another monster game and the 7 game streak to end.

Johnson’s Farm (1-1-1) v. The King’s Crusaders (2-1):

This is most certainly one of my favorite all time rivalries in the EFFL. While it tends to fly a little under the radar, there is so much bad blood built up between these two teams. Four years ago it was 3 Bears defensive TDs on Monday night. Last year it was a missed Nate Kaeding field goal with a minute to go on Monday night. These teams have had some great games over the past couple years and I expect nothing less this week. And of course what would this matchup be without a little Monday night flare. I don’t think any team has been involved in as much Monday night drama as the Farm, and this week it will be Tom Brady looking to salvage a victory for Nick. I think Chris Johnson goes off this week and steals this win for the Farm.

**** Game of the Week ****

Animals With Eyepatches (3-0) v. Maybe This Time (3-0):

As much as it pains me to put this game in this section, this is definitely the premier matchup in the EFFL this week. Barring another tie, one of Sam or Jimish will be 4-0 to start the season. I find this incredible. There is not much history between these two as in five seasons they have only met a total of 6 times. Only once has either team broken 120 points. However, in 3 of their last 4 meetings the game has been decided by 5 points or less. Having Peterson on a bye is certainly going to hurt here, and against a team that has been as dominant as the Eyepatches, you need your full roster. I can’t pick against Jimish until there is any indication that his team is going to let up. Brandon Marshall Monday night should just be icing on the cake.

Week 4 is definitely going to set some teams up for a strong run as well as put some teams in a bigger hole. The middle of the standings are gonna get a lot closer, and I’m looking forward to this week. Hopefully there is less drama this week, but let’s make it a good one.

Surprises at the Top

The 2010 season has gotten off to a pretty wild start thus far. Through the first two weeks, 3 of the top 4 scoring teams did not make the playoffs last year. There is an incredible amount of parity in this league. It was only a matter of time before the Pylons were bitten by the injury bug, and of course it had to be on a punt return. Even better, the Cowboys stabbed the gambling enterprise in the back. Need a week off after that stress. Oh well. On to the Week 2 recap.


Animals With Eyepatches 143 – Tweeting In The Trenches 98:

Look out for the Eyepatches. This team through the first 2 weeks of the season is the highest scoring team in the league. Back to back 125+ point efforts are pretty impressive. No other team has even put up 110 in both weeks. This team has talent top to bottom, and the decision to release Joseph Addai proved to be a smart one. Sad but true fact of week 2: The Eyepatches have the top scoring kicker in the league in Neil Rackers. The #2 guy in scoring is the Masons’ Mike Nugent. I gave both of these kickers to Jimish and Brandon after they left Game On. Ugh. After winning only 4 games last year, this is exactly the start the Eyepatches needed. TITTY couldn’t find the magic his team had in Week 1. Leaving Jahvid Best and his 49 points on the bench hurt, but at least it would not have affected the outcome of this game. Just one of those weeks where you write it off and move on.

Maybe This Time 122 – Johnson’s Farm 109:

Regardless of anything else that happens, if Chris Johnson scores less than 10 points in a game, odds are the Farm is going to lose. A nice effort from a couple players. A poor showing from some others. Overall the mediocre effort we’ve all come to expect from the Farm. Last year the Farm put up between 106 and 116 a total of 8 times in the regular season, and they’re right back at it. While my prediction was a little off that Nick would be the lowest scoring team of Week 2, after 2 weeks Sam’s opponents have scored the least of all teams. Shocker. While I do think that she actually has a decent team this year, it is a little early to start singing this team’s praises. Jimish and Sam are both 2-0. What has the EFFL come to???? In all seriousness though, it’s good to see every team being competitive. This league has a ton of parity.

Stanky Monkeys 101 – Tequila Party Gnomes 73:

Uh TPG??? Hello?? I’m gonna chalk up the first two weeks to just poor luck. This team seems to have the potential to be a very strong team, but when the starting QB, #1 RB and #1 WR combine for 14 points, you’re not gonna win. This team needs to right the ship quickly. The Stanky Monkeys continued their dominance over TPG. All time Lou is 7-1 against Matt. I was told (as everyone already knew) that this is not a nasty team this year. Honestly as an Eagles fan I don’t even know how you root for that team. Giants Steve Smith and Manningham? Welker? Titans and Rams receivers? The league must keep the Monkeys out of the playoffs this year, and TPG did not hold serve. I’m expecting bigger things in the future. Just not week 3.

The King’s Crusaders 157 – The Stone Masons 144:

I’m sorry. If you score 144 points you should not lose a game. If it’s any consolation, had you been playing the Pylons you would have lost on Hartley’s game winning field goal with 0 time left on the clock on Monday night. The Masons deserve better than their 0-2 start. 7 Titans turnovers and the Redskins inability to finish a game were bullshit. Did you see that Polamalu forced fumble?!?!? Clear cheating! I think this team has untapped potential and a 144 point effort has to be at least a little bit encouraging. I’m not exactly sure what to make of the King’s squad yet. You can’t expect 39 points again from kicker and defense. The Texans combo putting up 67 points is also a rarity. I definitely think they have enough depth to be there all season though. Again.

Dueling Pylons 146 – Coach Janky Spanky 81:

I hope you enjoyed that 65 point beatdown EEB. With 4 guys going Monday night I said to myself “If I’m within 50 I think I’ll be good”. Never did I expect to already be winning the game heading into Monday night. Nothing like cracking a few Chad tall boys and yelling at Mike Singletary with the game already locked up. This feels like 2006 all over again where the Pylons lost week 1 and then ripped off 9 straight victories. Poor managerial decisions were made in the first week, but this team looks great right now. Janky Spanky seems to be reeling. Constant lineup questions boil down to one thing: this team has far too many hit or miss players to be a serious contender. An 0-2 start looks bleak as Janky Spanky has not scored more than 100 points in either week. This was supposed to be the game of the week and instead turned into the Pylons embarrassing Janky Spanky yet again.


**** Week 3 Preview ****

Week 3 is our rivalry week. This is going to be for bragging rights across the board. Some very intriguing matchups this week that could go a long way towards making things tight down the line.

Stanky Monkeys (1-1) v. Johnson’s Farm (1-1):

The Stanky Monkeys do not look like a threat at all to me. The best thing going in this matchup is the Brees v. Brady battle at quarterback. The Giants defense looks pathetic as does the Eagles through 2 weeks. That makes me believe that the Farm is going to have their way with the Monkeys. The last time these two teams met the Farm dropped 175 points on the Monkeys in a classic romping. I think this projects as the lowest scoring game of the week. The benches of these two teams are just pitiful, yet one of these teams will be 2-1. I think it will be the Farm. I’m not liking this.

Coach Janky Spanky (0-2) v. Tweeting In the Trenches (1-1):

Neither of these two teams put up 100 points in Week 2, but I think things turn up a little for both teams here. This is going to be exciting as Cutler and Rodgers will do battle for these teams on Monday night. Randy Moss against the Bills is scary but it looks to me like Janky Spanky is due for a nice bounce back. Ray Rice against the Browns should be a nightmare for Fusco. I think Janky Spanky puts up 120+ and takes the game.

Dueling Pylons (1-1) v. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-2):

Usually this is a celebrated game surrounding the Lions-Vikings annual matchup. This time around however, this is a critical battle. The Pylons had an impressive showing in Week 2 while the Gnomes had the exact opposite. TPG has never started a season 0-3, and this is going to be a desperate team. Poor Ravens performances again are the culprit, and a home matchup against the Browns is exactly what they needed. I think this game is going to be another high scoring affair, but I think this Pylons team looks far too dangerous at this juncture. The Pylons have not been above .500 since the end of the 2008 season and I fully expect that to change.

Maybe This Time (2-0) v. The King’s Crusaders (2-0):

This is gross. Woody v Woody and neither team has lost a game yet. While Chris has dominated the overall record between the two, Sam has been much better as of late. Chris is going all in on the Texans against Dallas this week, and I don’t think that will prove to be a wise decision. Peterson at home against the Lions is the scariest matchup in the NFL hands down. ESPN is projecting him for a modest 27. If he doesn’t break 40 I’ll be shocked. The King has looked strong so far but I think the stars have aligned for Sam to keep this winning streak going. I can’t believe I’m picking this but I like Maybe This Time to get the win.

**** GAME OF THE WEEK ****

Animals With Eyepatches (2-0) v. The Stone Masons (0-2):

I love the Brandon-Jimish matchups. 8 of their past 9 meetings, the margin of victory has been 21 points or less. These are always close games and always constant battles. Each of these teams sits at the opposite end of the standings. The Eyepatches have performed admirably the first two weeks while the Masons have run into a bit of bad luck. This earns the nod of game of the week; however, because despite it only being week 3, a 2-0 team vs. an 0-2 team becomes a critical matchup for the Masons to win. In addition each of these teams cracked 140 points last week, so we know that they both will come to play. 2 years ago both teams were in the exact same position. The 2-0 Eyepatches faced the 0-2 Jackson Five and the Five came out on top. This time around I think the Eyepatches look too strong. I like Jimish to move to 3-0.


I honestly feel like this league is completely wide open this year. I don’t see a single team that could be dominant all year or a single team that will be terrible all year. We’ll see how this plays out but I know I am looking forward to this week. Good luck to everyone.

The 2010 Season Is Underway

Well it’s good to finally be back in the swing of things in the Fantasy season. Opponents are talking all kinds of smack and we need a new champion in the league. No Woodys. No Sarcones. No Gambino or EEB or Fusco. No Jimish. No TPG. Just me or BG. I can live with that. After what I believe was the best draft to date (please send me $10), the anticipation for this season was at a fever pitch. We have 9 legitimate contenders this year, which I will expand upon as we get further into this article.

Another exciting aspect to look forward to this season is the premier of Commish teaser picks. Coupled with the Party Gnomes, we are trying to make a mockery of legal sports gambling in Delaware with 3+ team teaser parlays. Last week proved to be successful as we are now ahead $320 for the season. This week’s action will be on Dallas -3.5, Atlanta -1.5, and San Diego -1.5. We will be looking to double profits. On to the fantasy results from week 1:

Tweeting In The Trenches 147 – Stanky Monkeys 77:

Well I certainly did not see this sort of outburst coming from tweety. I received a drunken phone call after the giants game and from the sound of it it seems that Fusco may have given Hakeem Nicks fellatio. This has to be encouraging for titty as one who fell short of the playoffs last season. Meanwhile I believe the stanky monkeys forgot he was not playing me. I was taunted with Wes Welker nonsense but unfortunately the rest of his team did absolutely nothing. To add insult to injury Ryan Grant was lost for the season. This was a beatdown at its finest, and I was very pleased to see this result. Only way to describe this game is nasty.

Johnson’s Farm 127 – Dueling Pylons 92:

For the first time since the Laveraneus Coles era the farm has knocked off the pylons. What was supposed to be a great start to a championship pylons season turned into a disaster. Chris Johnson did his usual second half outburst, but this game was close heading into the Sunday night game. Then Miles Austin struck for 30 points and that was that. This is the only time these teams meet this season but I have a feeling that they could easily meet again in the playoffs. The banter was nonstop and these are always great matchups.

Maybe This Time 107 – The Stone Masons 75:

Here's one. Here's one. If you had to guess who faced the leagues low score who would you guess? Sam would be like -300 to face the low score in any given week. Maybe this time is a joke. This is by far the luckiest team in the league and she's asking for more? Ridiculousness. You can't really blame the stone masons here. Losing a qb and having a starting running back benched would most likely seal anyones fate. To make matters worse I have to get constant Facebook feeds about how great Sams team is and her upcoming "class x2". Please. I still think the masons could come alive. A great receiving core and healthy beanie wells could be dangerous.

Animals With Eyepatches 128 – Tequila Party Gnomes 105:

What a showing from the eyepatches. Having jimish at the draft is always scary for other owners. I really like his squad this year. He shocked many by selecting roddy white so early but thus far it has paid dividends. Meanwhile the gnomes have to be a little disappointed with this effort. A huge game from ochocinco couldn't salvage a win. Ecstatic on draft day that Steven Jackson slipped to the second round, that could end up being the pick that makes or breaks the gnomes season. These teams as usual will meet again week 13 in a pivotal divisional matchup. There is sure to be some hostility after this game.

The King’s Crusaders 104 – Coach Janky Spanky 100:

This actually turned out to be the best game of week 1. The classic battle between tutor and pupil turned out to be heartbreak for Coach Janky Spanky. Heading into Monday night, Janky Spanky needed only 35 points from 3 of his top 4 picks: Ray Rice, Ryan Mathews, and Antonio Gates. Surely this seemed like a lock as ESPN had them projected for well over 60 points. But this is what happens when you rely on a guy who has never played a down in the NFL before. Mathews, as he did all preseason, looked pedestrian. Even still, with a strong first half showing from Gates, Janky Spanky still looked to be in control. But on this night it was not meant to be. There were no meaningless 8 yard Greg Olsen catches. There was nothing that could save EEB from the humiliation faced in week 1. The King escaped with another win, but in time this team will need to be better if they want to prove they are a contender in this league.

Week 2 Preview

Maybe This Time (1-0) vs. Johnson’s Farm (1-0):

I say this frequently, but I think if I had to rank lists this would be #1 on the “Why can’t both teams lose?” list. Somehow according to ESPN, Sam is a 64 point favorite. Absolutely ridiculous. Nick has virtually the same team as last year except with Miles Austin instead of Andre Johnson, and a slight improvement at QB with Brady. While he was not a championship caliber squad, week in and week out was always a tough matchup. Sam meanwhile as usual has a team of clowns. A bunch of below average weeks and then one explosion; most likely on BG. I predict a low scoring game this week, and am expecting something like a 96-87 win for Maybe This Time. We all know she will be facing the low score of the week.

Animals With Eyepatches (1-0) vs. Tweeting In The Trenches (1-0):

This is an interesting matchup here. The two highest scoring teams from Week 1 square off for right to be named the early favorite of the league. I would not have believed it would be these two teams fighting for that title, however. While I am a little skeptical on the Fusco side, I think Jimish’s squad could be for real. With solid depth and a great 1-2 combo at WR, it could finally be the year that the Eyepatches make some noise in the EFFL. With Randy Moss on Revis Island this week, it could be a tough go of it for TITTY. I think the Eyepatches come out firing from the getgo with huge games from Romo and Roddy White (no gambling bias). The Steve McNair division gets represented well and the Eyepatches get the win to move to 2-0.

Tequila Party Gnomes (0-1) vs. Stanky Monkeys (0-1):

Wow. That’s the first word that comes to my mind when I see these team names and 0 wins among them. Taking a deeper look reveals that the Stanky Monkeys team is truly one of the worst fantasy squads I have ever seen in a 10 team league. You truly have to be either that good at fantasy, or drunk in AC to pick a squad like that. I’m not sure which it was that happened this year. To add insult to injury, the Monkeys lost Ryan Grant for the season to an ankle injury. The Stanky Monkeys hit the waiver wire this week with a fury. This team is in total shambles right now. Meanwhile, TPG will be looking to bounce back after a crushing defeat with #1 arch rival Jimish. I look for a big game this week from the Ravens passing duo, and I would be honestly shocked if TPG didn’t come out ahead here. The Stanky Monkeys have time to right the ship, but right now things do not look good.

The King’s Crusaders (1-0) vs. The Stone Masons (0-1):

This is always an intriguing matchup to me. Based on league history the King has outperformed the Masons with the exception of one season. This game is going to be a shootout, bottom line. Both teams have fantastic matchups and I could easily see the loser of this game putting up 130 points. Something just gives me a bad feeling that it’s going to be the Stone Masons on the wrong side of the coin. I think things would be much improved if the Masons were to insert Derrick Mason into his lineup. I know I personally have been jonesing for him for almost a month now. I think this game is going to come down to the Masons running backs, which may be the case in most weeks. This is one of those weeks where I think they come through for him. I like the McNair division yet again to pull this one out.

**** GAME OF THE WEEK ****

Coach Janky Spanky (0-1) vs. Dueling Pylons (0-1):

This has always been a classic tie despite these teams only meeting once in EFFL history. Last year’s game featured the Pylons sporting 5 Rams while defeating Janky Spanky. Nightmares of Frank Gore haunted Janky Spanky for much of the season. Famous quotes such as “He’s garbage. If it weren’t for his long runs his stats would be no good.” Sadly for EEB, long runs count too. To make matters worse this year, we will have to wait for a Frank Gore repeat until Monday night when the 49ers face the Saints. The Pylons have a remarkable 4 players going night, so surely they will be down heading into the final game. The wildcard here is Arian Foster. Tennessee Vol against the Redskins. This has massacre written all over it. The Pylons left over 120 points on the bench last week and I think that this week the starters are the ones who do the damage. Threats of Fitz doo doo in my face and a bh spackled with Vaseline to ease penetration will not cause enough damage to make me concerned. The Pylons will finally get off the schnide here and will leave EEB and Lou as the only two winless teams after 2 weeks.

Well, sorry for the late posting of the blog. For whatever reason, I like all 5 McNair division teams to claim victories this week. I think the league is extremely balanced this year and am really looking forward to it. Light up the message board at will.